Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Combat is more than just using and relying on your vital instrument. Especially with the increase of Raider encounters, it is important to be well rounded when it comes to being able to defend yourself.” 

Zanka stood before him, his Assistaff leaning carefully on the wall next to him. They were in the outside training courtyard, the sun just creeping over the dusty horizon. 

“And that is why in addition to learning how to use those gloves of yours, we will also be focusing on hand-to-hand.” 

Rudo nodded along. Although he was not really interested in lessons regarding hand-to-hand, he knew it would be helpful in the long run. Yes, he knew how to fight already- atleast, he knew how to swing wildly damming the consequences in attempts to release his unending exigent anger. But, he knew he needed to ameliorate his combat if he was going to get revenge on the Sphere. 

“We’ll spend the morning working on the basics, and then work more on vital instrument techniques.” 

“Gotcha.” Rudo affirmed. 

Rudo watched as Zanka studied his frame, eyes trailing on his gloves. “You should take those off.” 

Rudo scowled, “No.”

Zanka rolled his eyes, already agitated with the teen. “You want to get better at hand-to-hand don’t you? Well, then no vital instruments.” He pointed at Rudo’s pristine gloves- he had spent the night before scrubbing them clean. 

“No.” Rudo gritted out, not yielding. “I never take these off, so it won’t matter if I don’t now- I’ll need to learn how to fight with these on.” 

Regto sat before him, holding out a wooden box containing thick gray gloves in the center. 

The pain in his hands was relentless, ebbing and flowing with a newfound fervor- as if they were begging to be acknowledged. Begging to let the pain consume him fully. A fire that was desperately eating up all the oxygen in the room, flames growing bigger and bigger until everything in its surroundings was dust and ash. 

His head still ached from the night before when he had tried picking a fight with a stone wall with his forehead in a mindless attempt to get rid of the pain. In the end, it did nothing and left him with another aching extremity. 

“I don’t know how much these will help, but they should lessen some of the pain.” Regto spoke.

Zanka sighed, “Whatever, little shit.” He muttered the last part, but Rudo still heard it.

“Asshole.” He retorted.

After an incredulous stare, Zanka conceded. “Let’s start with defense.” 

___

Rudo sat in the cafeteria, body sore from his earlier training. A pile of food he wouldn’t have imagined eating on the Sphere sat on his plate in front of him- a savory sandwich and some greens- grown with the help of Givers specializing in food growth- as well as a side of sweets. 

“Hey, Rudo!” Rudo glanced up to see Follo slide in the seat across from him. Upon seeing his face, his eyebrows shot up, “Rough day?” 

Rudo grimaced, “Combat training with Zanka.”

Follo laughed, “That’ll do it…he sure knows how to train, Hell Guard and all.” 

Rudo’s eyebrows furrowed, “Hell….Guard?” 

“Oh, of course you wouldn’t know.” Follo put down his fork, “It’s an agency that makes sure any criminals are put in line…like enforcers of the law. I mean, there’s not really a universal law, but more like morality, you know? We deal with trash beasts, they deal with people.” 

“Apostles.” Rudo whispered, unable to expel the laced hatred from their name. 

The white uniforms. Tall hats. Stern, unforgiving faces. People who lacked empathy, people who didn’t care for waste, people who had accused him of murder without listening to his pleas.

People who allowed Regto to die. 

“Huh,” Follo looked up, curious eyes searching Rudo’s own. When Rudo didn’t say anything, he continued, “Yeah, um…Zanka trained in the Academy. His whole family is in the Hell Guard, I’m pretty sure. Anyways, he was supposed to be one, trained to be one, but now he’s here.”

Rudo’s eyes shot up.  Zanka was supposed to be in the Hell Guard? He was going to be like the Apostles? 

Yes, Rudo was making an assumption that Hell Guard was exactly like the Apostles, and maybe that was untrue; but he knew one thing that was not false- with power comes the abuse of it. People who swear to protect always find a way to disappoint you, to use their power for bad. 

“Why?” His voice was soft, searching for an answer.  

“Why’d he quit?” Rudo nodded. Follo scratched at the back of his neck, “I don’t know all the details, it’s not really any of my business. All that matters is he is a great Giver and puts his all into the Cleaners. We’re lucky to have him.” Follo smiled, returning to shoveling his food into his mouth. 

Zanka walked into the cafeteria, and Rudo’s eyes found him. Zanka’s eyes found him in return, and Rudo looked away.

___

Pain. 

That is all Rudo could feel. 

Pain, radiating from his hands- a searing pain starting at his fingertips, reverberating up to his shoulders. 

His shoulders weren't burned, weren’t cracking and bloody and raw like his hands, but the pain was a disease- spreading and infecting anything it touched. Pain did not discriminate. There were no invisible borders telling the wave of agony to stop. It was a tidal wave that drowned everything in its wake. 

He lay on his bed, unmoving. Not because he did not want to, no- because he couldn't. The pain overode all his other senses, made any slight movement he made send nausea to the pit of his stomach. He had no thoughts, just pain, pain, pain. 

Since his time on the ground, his arms haven’t been this bad, yet. Normally, he can go months without these spells. Maybe not cleaning his arms made it come on sooner. Maybe it was how active he has been, how often he is using his hands. Or, maybe it was the amount of trash in the air. 

His arms feel worse at night, when there is nothing to distract his mind from the dull thrum of pain. Typically, however, it is a manageable ache, but now it was excruciating. Nothing he hadn’t dealt with before, but still a pain he will never get used to.

A moan escaped his lips, and he bit down to stop it. He tasted blood, felt his teeth break skin, but he only bit down harder. 

Focus on that pain, not your arms. 

He groaned again, and somehow managed to stand up. He trudged to the wall, and rested his head against it. 

There were no thoughts behind his movements, just a desperate need for the pain to stop. 

Thump. 

His head exploded in pain. His hands still hurt. 

Thump.

A flash of white clouded his vision. His hands still hurt.

Thump.

He felt something wet trail down his forehead, dripping past his eyebrow and onto his cheek. His hands still hurt. 

Thump. 

This time he didn’t move his head back from the wall. He kept it leaning against the cool stone in a useless manner. 

“Rudo, why did you do that to yourself? Why do you cause yourself pain?” 

Regto’s big eyes peered down at him. His eyebrows were creased in worry, in an unfounded concern. Rudo didn’t want the pity, but he also did not understand it. Did not understand why Regto was so insistent that he cared for him. That he wasn’t trash. 

Rudo couldn’t find the words. 

“Please, Rudo.” Regto’s eyes were still on his. His big, soft hands were combing through his messy hair, now stuck together with slick blood. 

Rudo’s throat was dry. No tears came. “I don’t know.”

All he knew was nothing. There was a big void in his heart. Whenever he saw other kids his age play, he looked along lazily. There was no joy, no happiness, no sadness. 

Only anger. 

And pain.

He didn’t know what to do with it. 

Rudo didn’t know how long he stood in the pitch black room with his head against the wall. He allowed the pain in his head to drown out the one in his arms. Although it still wasn’t enough to completely distract him from it, he managed to snap out of his robotic attempts of bashing his skull open.  

Regto told him to stop. Regto told him he shouldn't hurt himself. 

Regto would be disappointed if he saw Rudo now. 

And so he stopped. 

When he eventually heard floorboards creaking outside his room and birds beginning to chirp outside, he knew it was time to move. 

He made his way to the bathroom and cleaned the blood off his forehead in a detached fashion. He glanced at himself in the mirror. There were deepening eyebags under his eyes. 

Rudo knew he would see no change, but he still tried to smile at himself in the reflection. It was wrong. Ugly. Unsettling. 

He gave up trying. 

Rudo made sure his white hair fell far enough over his forehead to cover the new cut before making his way out the door. 

___

“SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!” Gris shouted, gripping on for life to the handle in the passenger seat. 

“WHAT?” Enjin screamed over the loud music, a mischievous smile on his face- proving he clearly heard the man. 

Rudo felt like a zombie. Exhaustion seeped into his bones, and a headache pounded both from the injury and noise around him. Currently, he was being crushed between Follo and Zanka in the backseat. Riyo was behind him, thankfully bothering Zanka today and not messing with his own hair. 

His hands still hurt, but they thankfully settled down a bit and were now at a tolerable throbbing. 

Rudo knew the incident last night meant he had to change his bandages soon lest he made it even worse, but he would put it off for as long as he was able to. He hasn’t changed them since…

Regto was the last one to change them for him. 

He knew how to do it himself, but it always took longer and ended up more sloppy. 

A voice in the back of his head told him that if he changed them, he would lose one of the last connections he had to Regto. It didn’t make sense, it was unreasonable. He had his gloves, he had his memories. But still, the voice persisted.

Follo eyed him from the corner of his vision. “You okay?”

Rudo sent a bothered glare his way, “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

“No reason.” He put his arms up.

“It’s because you look like shit.” Zanka joined in the conversation, unhelpfully. 

Rudo stuck his middle finger up at the boy, “Says the one who has been covered in shit.”

Zanka fumed, “Oh you little-”

“Hey, hey, hey, let’s not kill the newbie.” Riyo held Zanka’s shoulders steady, preventing him from attacking Rudo. “You can work out your shit in training- no pun intended.” Riyo smiled, “Rudo, what the bozo meant to say is you just look a little tired…more than usual.”

There was an emotion behind her eyes that Rudo couldn’t place. 

“Just couldn’t sleep much last night,” He revealed, “Thanks for the concern.” 

The last part came out more angry than he intended, holding a sharp bite to the words. 

Even when he wasn’t trying, he apparently was only capable of anger. Violence seemingly the only thing capable of filling up the dark void in his heart. 

He was still unsure if their questions were out of genuine concern, or if they were rooted in a selfish curiosity. People were drawn to gossip. Too many were unempathetic to someone’s actual pain, only caring for stories they can spread from one ear to the next, passing the time by demeaning a person made from others tongues. Gossip creates a character out of an individual. Someone who is too far to touch, someone who is not rooted in reality. 

There was a look of understanding from Riyo, her eyes softening at Rudo’s outburst. But, if she noticed anything, she kept it to herself, returning back to poking at Zanka’s earrings. 

After driving for a bit on a bumpy and winding road (was it the road, or was it the driver, Rudo mused. Definitely the driver.), Enjin pulled the car up to a warehouse-looking building. It appeared run down, the walls peeling at the edges. 

“This isn’t the polluted zone…” Rudo trailed off, unsure of why they were stopped here. 

“Quick pit stop.” Enjin turned around in his seat, sending a blinding smile towards Rudo. “Come on.” 

Enjin jumped out of the car, and Rudo hesitantly followed behind. He could hear the others get out of the car as well, their car doors slamming shut behind him and the sound of feet on gravel.

Enjin approached the looming doors and threw them open without any effort. “Tada!” He boomed. 

Before him was a heap of trash. 

Not just any trash like the endless miscellaneous piles on the ground that coated the earth, but seemingly a more organized assortment. Who would sort out trash in a world full of it? He didn’t know, but didn’t care enough to find out.

“Feel free to check out these bad boys and take anything you want-”

Before Enjin could even finish his sentence, Rudo was rummaging through the garbage with an excited ardor, tiredness forgotten. 

A tire. A keyboard. A cup. A broken lantern. 

The possibilities were endless, and he couldn’t restrain himself. 

He heard someone laughing behind him. 

“Boy, he really loves trash.” Follo.

“Fucking weirdo.” Zanka. 

“I think it’s adorable.” Riyo.

He blocked out their chattering, picking out what he wanted to take with him. They were supposed to go clean out a trash beast that was sighting terrorizing a small town on the outskirts of a polluted zone, so he just assumed he would have to make due with whatever was in his surroundings while fighting.

But the Cleaners had other plans, apparently. 

He was about to call it a day, when something caught his eye in the corner of his vision. He stumbled through the pile, making his way to the grey and brown fabric peeking out of its metal surroundings. 

Rudo slowly crouched down, gloved hands slowly wrapping around the edge of a piece of fabric. Rudo gripped the fabric tight and pulled, shaking loose trash down around him.

In his hands was something that made his blood boil. Something that made him see red, something that reminded him of everything about that day. 

He couldn’t do anything but stare at it, his grip tightening around it as if he could choke the life out of the inanimate thing. 

“Look at how cute!” Chiwa laughed as she petted the stuffed animal. 

“I don’t think you’re weird, Rudo. Ignore those idiots.”

White fabric slipping between loosened fingers, the animal falling to the dirt without making any sound. Betrayal, distrust. Both quiet actions that weighed so heavy.

“Um…Rudo, you good?” Enjin was next to him, his tall frame enveloping Rudo’s own in shadow. A strong hand grabbed his shoulder, shaking him from his haze. “You’ve been staring at that piece of garbage for a few minutes now.” He let out a small chuckle. There was a hint of nervousness and confusion stitched into the sound, but Enjin was still more lighthearted than not. 

A white rabbit stuffed animal was gripped between his fingers. It was nowhere near identical to the one he had given Chiwa in what now seems like a lifetime ago, but it still stung Rudo’s heart looking at it. 

Its cotton insides were spilling out between holes in the stitching, and it was missing its left eye. Someone had deemed this trash. Someone had once loved it- loved it to a point where it broke, unable to maintain the full weight of its importance, the weight of one's heart too heavy to carry; but, instead of continuing that love, they had thrown it away. So quick to love something brand new, and so ready to label it meaningless when it becomes anything less than perfect. 

Then they never truly loved it in the first place, if it only took one mistake to throw it away. 

Rudo saw her bright yellow eyes in the back of his mind. 

“We love you.” She had once said. 

But it only took one mistake to strip her love away. One baseless accusation closed her ears on any reason, of any understanding. Things were always black and white and never gray. 

She never loved to begin with.

“Earth to Rudoooooo.” Riyo was now next to him. 

Enjin ruffled his hair, and he quickly snapped out of his trance, combing his hair back over his bruised forehead. They didn’t seem to notice, thankfully. 

“Sorry.” He said monotonously. He turned to rejoin the rest of the group. 

___

“Watch your backs!”

A giant bear made of trash loomed over the group. Its claws- made up of sharpened poles and metal- came down heavy on the ground, just missing Gris. 

Dust and debris shot up around them in its wake. 

“You motherfucker.” Zanka roared.

There were smaller cubs around them attacking in a frenzied manner. Clearly, the cleaners exterminating the babies upset Mama Bear.

The beast wailed, the scraping of metal grinding in their ears. 

Rudo had already used smaller pieces of trash to get rid of the smaller, more peskier beasts. He reached into his back pouch, but only one thing remained. He glanced at the car 50 yards away. Should he risk going back to grab more from his stash in the trunk?

Another loud bang vibrated through his eardrums as the beast took another swing at the ground. 

Rudo looked around him. 

Enjin was preoccupied fighting 10 smaller ones, his umbrella slashing through trash at record speed. 

Gris threw a stunned cub into Riyo’s scissors, slicing it clean down the middle.

Follo was nowhere to be found, and Zanka was charging the beast head on. 

Rudo watched as smaller trash beasts intercepted his path, Zanka halting in annoyance to deal with the never ending flow of them. 

The large beast was relentless, and the crew had to be mindful of where they were fighting the wave of smaller ones due to the overarching swings from Mama Bear. Rudo watched the chaos unfold around him, and the beast turned to him. 

Rudo looked down at his gloves, and made a decision. 

He pulled out the stuffed animal from his back pouch. He had planned on keeping it. To do what with it, he wasn’t quite sure, yet. To fix it? Keep it on his nightstand as a reminder for why he needed to get revenge?

Well, now he had no choice, the beast deciding it’s trashed fate

He gripped the rabbit in his gloves and pictured the potential of the trash, pictured the life it could’ve had, what it can become now.

He saw Chiwa. Saw the stuffed animal between her hands, her soft smile and forgiving eyes. Both fake. Both conditional. 

He imagined what would have happened if it hadn’t played out this way. Imagined her taking it home with her and thinking of him every time she looked at it. Imagined Regto making fun of his youthful innocence and embarrassment over a crush. 

The stuffed animal glowed red as it manifested into a large, menacing rabbit. It wasn’t nearly as tall as the trash beast, but he hoped it would do the job. 

Rudo pushed forward, the rabbit mimicking his actions and attacking the beast. 

The large bear slashed and whined, pushing the rabbit back. It swiped its metal claw and sent the rabbit flying behind him.

Anger coursed through Rudo. 

He needed to be better. 

He pushed the rabbit forward with his gloves, forcing the rabbit to march on the beast. 

He needed to prove himself. Prove his worth. 

He wasn’t some piece of trash that can be thrown away. 

He thought of Chiwa. Of the Spherites.

A rage filled scream escaped his lips as he channeled more power into the stuffed animal. The rabbit shifted and glowed before growing bigger.

It grew twice the size, looming over the beast, and with one quick hit the beast collapsed and disintegrated into dust. 

I’ve never done that before. 

Rudo stared at his own hands as blood dripped from his nose. A sudden tiredness washed over his body, and he collapsed to his knees. 

The rabbit followed suit to the beast, slowly disintegrating into ash.

Fighting was still happening around him.

Gris ran up to him. “Damn, kid.”

His hands clenched into fists, pain pulsing up his arms at the action. 

Eventually, the fighting ceased and the group collected themselves. Follo reappeared, having been lost to the dust of the fighting. 

“Damn Rudo, didn’t know you had that in ya.” Enjin smiled. “Good job.”

“What even was that?” He questioned, unsure of his own strength. Unsure where he pulled that from. 

“Well, it makes sense.” Zanka chimed in. “We assumed your limit was three objects, but never really considered what would happen if you took all the energy you usually divide between three separate ones and channeled it into one singular one.” 

Gris whistled in awe, “Well, now we know.” 

Rudo’s eyes began to droop. 

“Looks like someone needs a nap on the way back.” Riyo laughed. 

___

Rudo sat outside on a wooden bench staring at the artwork strewn about the walls. It was a cool evening, a chilly wind sending goosebumps down Rudo’s arms. He observed the colorful graffiti, the way the colors popped and screamed LOOK AT ME. The strokes of paint were thick and confident, yet carefree. 

He pulled absentmindedly at the loosened string on his pants. 

“Gob really is one of a kind.”

Rudo startled in his seat, turning around to come face to face with Enjin. He didn’t look at Rudo, just observed the artwork himself. 

“He really has a way of expressing himself, of doing whatever the fuck he wants to without caring what other people have to say about it.” Enjin glanced down at him, his eyes calculated. Enjin hopped over the back, taking a seat next to him. He pulled out a cigarette, lighting it quickly and taking a deep drag. 

Rudo scowled at him. “Those aren’t good for you.” 

Enjin raised his eyebrows. “Neither is air filled with trash, yet here we are.”

They sat in silence for a moment, observing the artwork. 

“Look,” Enjin spoke, somewhat unsure. Rudo doesn’t think he has ever heard the man unsure about something in his time knowing him. “I wanted to make sure you were okay, you seemed pretty shaken up earlier about the…rabbit.”

His eyes glanced at him, but returned to the wall.

“I don’t see why you would care.”

Enjin sighed, “So there is something wrong.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you didn’t deny it.”

Another silence filled the air, the unintended admission leaving Rudo speechless. 

“The Cleaners are family.” Enjin spoke after a minute. “We have each other’s backs…look out for one another. You’re one of us now, of course I would care.”

“Only temporarily, though. You have my back for now, until I go back to the Sphere."

Enjin took another drag. “My care isn’t conditional. Once a cleaner, forever a cleaner. That’s what friends are for.”

Rudo pulled at his fingers through the thick gloves. 

“Look, I don’t give a shit what you do when you find a way back up there.” He spoke again when Rudo made no effort to fill the silence. “But, you don’t need to do it alone.” 

Rudo glanced at the older boy. His face was relaxed, his shoulders slumped. His tattooed skin poked out from beneath his jacket. Rudo wondered if Gob tattooed him, too. 

“You made amazing progress earlier…even if reckless. Putting so much energy like that into one object leaves you vulnerable to other threats.” 

“Yeah.” Rudo spoke.

“But also, the breakthrough didn’t seem like it was an accident, or that it came out of nowhere.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Rudo scoffed. 

“What I mean, is that I get a feeling something was bothering you…something big enough to push you to do that.”

Rudo looked over at Enjin again, the Giver once again still looking at the wall. “What is the point of this conversation?” 

“First, to congratulate you. I do mean it when I say that your progress is amazing. But also, to say that I am here if you ever wanted to talk about what’s going on in that angry head of yours.”

“Fuck you, I’m not angry.”

Enjin laughed, “Even you know that that’s a lie.”

Rudo felt the pain in his forehead. Felt the ache of his hands. Saw Chiwa’s smile, and subsequently her dropping the stuffed animal. 

“I’m not claiming to have the answers to all your problems, I’m probably a shit at giving advice. But you know what I’m not bad at…listening.”

It was Rudo’s turn to laugh. “Now you know that that’s a lie.”

“Hey!” Enjin said in fake offense. “Okay, even if that is a lie, I can still try.”

Something washed over Rudo- a feeling he couldn’t place. It sat heavy on his heart. He doesn’t know exactly why he said what he was about to say, but the words slipped out faster than he could shut his mouth. “I’m not worth the effort.”

Enjin startled at that, eyes finally landing on the smaller boy. He opened his mouth to say something, before it closed again. When he finally seemingly landed on something right to say, he spoke quietly, “Everybody is worth the effort.”

“Even raiders?”

“You know what I mean, Rudo.”

“But I’m not.” Now that the words hung heavy in the air, he felt the need to defend himself. Defend his thought process. The courtyard was slowly growing dark, the sun making its descent under the horizon. “I’m not worth the effort.”

“Then me and you disagree.” Enjin said. “You being here is just proof of you being wrong, too.”

Rudo was lost. “I don’t know what that means.”

“You cared enough for those gloves, put all the effort into taking care of them, that they became what they are today. Without you caring in the first place, you decided that they were worth your time and effort, then you wouldn’t have that power in the first place.”

“That’s different-”

“Really? Tell me what’s different between caring for those gloves, and caring for another person.”

Anger welled up within Rudo. Enjin’s inability to understand what he was trying to say caused his wrath to bubble at the surface. “They don’t have the ability to disappoint you.” He bit out. 

Enjin sat with his words for a moment, studying Rudo. He took another drag, and looked back at the wall. “There was a girl who I was really in love with.” Rudo stiffened at the subject change, but Enjin continued on. “I really loved that girl. I was 19, still young and hopeful. I loved everything about her- her hair, her eyes, her humor, her curves-”

“Enjin.” Rudo groaned.

“What I’m saying is that she was everything to me. She was worth all my time, all my effort, every second of my day.”

“Okay, and?”

“She ended up cheating on me with another man. An older man who was stronger than me, kinder, had his shit together. I was furious. Ashamed.” He took another drag of his cigarette. “I will always be mad, I think. But…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I also don’t regret the time and effort I put into that relationship. I will not regret loving someone. I will not allow someone to strip me of my heart. I will not make them make me regret putting my heart on the line.” Rudo watched as Enjin thought over his life. “What I’m trying to say, I guess…even if someone hurts you in the end, the effort and time spent with them…the time and kindness you give out…is never worthless. You deem what is and isn’t worthless. Everyone is worth the effort- until maybe they prove otherwise- but even if they do, you should never regret loving. Caring.”

Rudo didn’t know what to say. He thought of Chiwa. He did regret putting his faith in her, putting faith that people were anything but cruel. But…he looked over at Enjin. Enjin wasn’t cruel. He knew what he was- a Spherite- and didn’t use it against him. 

“The stuffed animal reminded me of one I gave Chiwa.” He admitted, his voice quiet. 

Enjin smiled at that. “Oh? Chiwa.” He wiggled his eyebrows at him. “You had a girlfriend back on the Sphere.” 

“No,” He bit back in defense. “No. She wasn’t…anything.” Enjin seemed to catch the somber mood and stopped his teasing. “I liked her. She was the only one…the only one who wasn’t an asshole.” 

Enjin’s full attention was on him.

“I gave her a stuffed animal I fixed up…because she had liked it…but when she found out…when she saw what had happened, she took their side.”

“What happened?” Enjin questioned. 

Rudo bit his lip. “It’s what got me sent down here.”

Enjin seemingly understood that was the most he would get from him on the matter- at least at the moment- and didn’t ask for any further details. 

“But I guess that rabbit reminded me of that. Reminded me of that day, of her cruelty.” He spoke again, unsure of what he was even saying, why he was even telling Enjin these truths. “I was so angry with her. I still am. During the fight with the trash beast, that anger took over.”

Enjin observed Rudo for a moment. “I am still angry with my ex. She’s a class A bitch, but…just because she hurt me in that way, doesn’t mean I deserved it. And it doesn’t mean that that is all I deserve for my future. Are you catching my drift here, kid?”

Rudo shook his head and Enjin let out a tired sigh.

“We are not defined by the things other people do to us.” Then, after a pause, “You are worth the effort, and I’m sorry she- or anyone else- made you feel like that wasn’t the case.”

Rudo was having trouble believing his words, but he couldn’t ignore how earnest he was. Enjin was a genuine guy, and he didn’t say anything he didn’t mean. 

Rudo looked up to him, “I’m sorry she cheated on you.”

Enjin offered him a wide smile, “Don’t worry, I’ve been with plenty of other women since then.”

Aaannnnd, he had to ruin it. 

“Gross.” Rudo scowled.

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“No I won’t. You’re a pig.” 

Enjin gasped dramatically. “Rude.”

He reached over and ruffled Rudo’s messy hair. “I’m glad we had this talk. Now let’s go back in and get something to eat before those fatasses take it all.”

Rudo knew he still had a long way to go before he believed everything Enjin had said. And he might never truly feel comfortable to share what had happened on the Spere and how he ended up on the ground. 

But for now, he could try.

Try to believe it was possible. 

Try to believe that these people did care for him.

Chapter Text

“Fuck!” Rudo exhaled as Zanka punched him in the stomach. It wasn’t hard enough to do any real damage, but it still hurt.

Whatever the Hell Guard crap was that Follo mentioned, they sure did train their recruits to the highest echelon. Because Zanka was ruthless. Unstoppable. 

“C’mon, Rudo. Where is any of the defense we worked on?” He took a step back to catch a breather. 

“I am defending.” 

“You’re not trying hard enough. Again.”

Zanka gave Rudo no time to catch his bearings. He took a step forward, and Rudo watched his shoulders as he swung his right fist at Rudo’s face. Rudo whipped his left arm up, blocking the punch and taking the brunt of the force in his wrist.

Pain reverberated up his arm. 

It wasn’t excruciating like it had been nights ago, but it still hurt more than normal. Rather than focus on the discomfort, he used it to fuel his movements, used it to channel his anger at Zanka. 

Rudo pivoted backwards. He turned on his heel and sent a spinning kick Zanka’s way. Even Rudo could feel that it was mediocre. Predictable. But, it was too late to change his course.

Zanka easily ducked under the kick. He dropped to the floor and sent a sweeping kick that connected with Rudo’s leg still planted on the ground. 

Rudo fell to the floor with a groan.

Before he could do anything else, Zanka was on top of him. He held up a fist, but didn’t move to actually throw it. “If I had a knife, you would be dead.”

“Well, lucky for me, you don’t.” Rudo bit back, half in agitation and half in pain. 

Zanka sighed and stood up. He wiped dust off his hands before offering a hand to Rudo. 

Rudo slapped his hand away and sat up, not having any urgency to stand just yet.

Zanka observed him as he took a few deep breaths. “Your technique is shit.”

Rudo glared at him angrily. “I just fucking started, asshole.”

“With someone with so much anger, I would’ve expected you to be slightly better at fighting.” 

Rudo groaned. “Whatever.”

Zanka sighed, “Are you good?”

“Yes.” 

Awkward silence filled the courtyard, neither boy making an attempt to speak first. 

Something nagged at the back of Rudo’s mind, however, and he couldn’t silence it. His curiosity outweighed his anger, so he peeked a glance at the older boy. 

Zanka was in shape. He was lean, with quite a bit of muscle. He was light on his feet, and in fighting with him, Rudo could see he was fast. “Are you so good at this because of the Hell Guard?” Rudo asked.

Zanka stiffened, his eyes shooting to Rudo still on the ground. “Who told you that?” 

“Follo.”

Zanka pinched his nose, “Of course he would.”

“Is it supposed to be a secret?” 

“Well…no.”

“Then why do you care?” Rudo pushed. 

“It’s not that I want it to be a secret, I’d rather just not talk about it. Especially with you, you little turd.”

Rudo grit his teeth. Zanka was apparently incapable of not throwing an insult at him every other sentence. He bit lip, trying to suppress his rising anger. “What was it like?” 

Zanka studied Rudo now. Searching for something in Rudo’s eyes. For what, Rudo didn’t know, but he felt the weight behind the stare.  

“Hard.” He confessed. “Much harder than what we are doing now.” Rudo watched as Zanka’s eyes roamed the courtyard. “Non-stop studying. Non-stop physical training.”

“Did you like it?” Rudo wasn’t a fan of the boy in front of him, but he was trying to get a better picture of him. Understand why he was the way he was. 

Zanka sat with that question for a minute. Such a simple question. Did you like it? 

But simple didn’t always mean easy. 

“No.” 

Rudo hung his head down and scratched an itch on his scalp. “What were the other Givers like?”

Zanka laughed, “There weren't any.”

Rudo’s head shot up. There were no other givers? “Why not, I’m sure if there could be Givers on the Sphere the Apostles would be full of them.”

Zanka’s eyebrows furrowed at Rudo’s apparent confusion. “I don’t know. The Academy focused more on physical combat…natural strength. And then choosing a weapon to specialize in.” Zanka glanced at his Assistaff placed on the wall. “Apostles?” Zanka was trying to make sense of the word, but could not seem to figure out what exactly Rudo meant. 

Rudo still couldn’t wrap his mind around what Zanka was telling him, either. He couldn’t believe a group that enforced power would not utilize those who carried immeasurable amounts of it. “Enforcers. Upholders of the law.”

Rudo couldn’t keep the scowl off his face. He remembered his anger as they chased him away from the garbage repository. Their willingness to shoot him, to kill him without thought. 

Or on that day.

Their unforgiving eyes.

Their hard grip on his wrists as they cuffed him. The pain in his nose as they punched him. Their refusal to hearken to what they considered filth. 

Regto. 

Regto laying there bleeding out. His breaths shallow. Pained. He could've made it. All he needed was immediate first aid. He should’ve made it. 

And they did nothing.   

Rudo clenched his hands into fists. Zanka’s eyes caught this action, “Were they bad?” 

“The worst.” 

Zanka paused, thinking over his next words. When he eventually spoke again, it seemed as if saying it pained him- as if he would rather do anything else but offer Rudo this truth. “Hell Guard is filled with a lot of corrupt people. A lot of selfish, fake people. I’m glad…I’m not there anymore…even if it disappointed my family.”

“Family?” Rudo asked, his voice low.

“My brother and sister…and parents…Hell Guard was supposed to be my legacy. I was supposed to follow in their footsteps. But that all changed when…” Rudo didn’t say anything, giving space for the boy to think. “My lovely Assitaff over there- wasn’t always what it is now. When we were allowed to choose our own weapons we wanted to specialize in…I chose a stick.”

Rudo couldn’t help stutter, “A stick? Are you stupid?”

“Yes. It was on the table, and I chose it…wanting to be different from the rest…wanting to prove myself…prove to myself I was good…but, I don’t think I needed a stick to tell that to me, but it did give me a wake up call.”

“Wake up call to what?”

“That I needed to work twice as hard. That hard work can’t beat natural talent unless you put your all into it. That…I didn’t like anyone in the Hell Guard, and I didn’t want to end up like them either.”

Rudo thought about his words. “The Apostles…” He didn’t know if he could say it, but he felt like he owed Zanka a truth in return. “The Apostles…”

“Look, you don’t need to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” 

Rudo considered not saying anything, considered shutting his mouth and never speaking of this anger that resided in him and wrapped his heart in chains. But, something in him- a small flame in his gut- urged him to give voice to this hurt. “The Apostles didn’t like me.”

“It’s hard not to.” Zanka joked. Rudo gave him a seething glare, but continued on.

“I would always go through the deposits, and they didn’t like that.”

“Deposits?”

“Trash. Trash deposits. Before it gets dumped into the Pit, it would have to go through the Sphere’s underground system to make it to the drop off points.”

“And they didn’t like when you…sorted through trash? I admit, it’s a weird hobby, but why would they be mad about that?”

Rudo studied Zanka’s eyes. He could recognize the genuine concern. His confusion on why that would be a problem. “Up on the Sphere, they are obsessed with cleanliness.” Rudo picked at the dirt on the floor. “Those on the right side hated us Tribesfolk. Saw us as filth. As criminals.”

“Tribesfolk?” Zanka was growing more lost by the minute, the way of Speherites thinking going over his head. 

Rudo bit his lip, unsure if he could admit this truth. He didn’t think he would be judged, necessarily; however, knowing he is the son of a murder does change things. He couldn’t be certain Zanka wouldn’t look at him the way everyone else did. The way she did. “It’s complicated.”

Zanka nodded. “Okay.”

When Zanka made no effort to force him to talk about what he so blatantly avoided, he continued, “They didn’t like people messing up the balance.”

“The Apostles?”

“Yes. Them…and everyone else. Even some Tribesfolk. I rarely got caught…looking through the trash…but…”

Rudo felt the bullet graze his arm. 

His heart beat fast as he ran. There were 5 men on his heels, all shouting and pointing their guns. 

His legs were growing tired. 

Just a little bit farther. 

“There was one time when they caught me.”

Rudo pulled at his gloves. He pulled his fingers, feeling bones pop. 

“What do they do to people they catch?”

Rudo couldn’t find it in him to meet Zanka’s eyes. “They chased me. Shot at me.” He reflexively rubbed the side of his arm. “My arm got hit, just a graze…but still…It would've been worse if they actually caught me, you know. I would've ended up in the Pit…” Rudo let out a defeated laugh, “I guess that doesn’t matter now, does it.” 

Zanka let Rudo’s words sit heavy in the air. Rudo met his eyes, and Zanka smiled at him softly. That’s a first. 

“Luckily, no one will try to shoot you if you rummage through the trash down here.”

Rudo sighed, “Yeah, luckily.” 

After a beat, Zanka reached his hand down again, “C’mon, let’s work on that round house.”

This time, Rudo grabbed it.

___

“Cheers!”

Saccharine liquid splashed on the wooden table as glass met glass with a clink. Loud, rhythmic music droned on in the background. 

Enjin and Gris took gulping sips of their drinks, and Rudo thumbed the rim of his cup. 

The adults were drinking alcohol, but he was given something “age appropriate".

Enjin and his crew- which included Rudo now- had come to this place after successfully cleaning out a particularly difficult trash beast. Rudo had implied they were wasting their time, but his worries were immediately shut down. 

“This is how we build team morale.” Follo had said.

“Remember what I said, Rudo. F-A-M-I-L-Y.” Enjin had whispered under his breath. It only made Rudo want to punch him.

“You need to learn how to relax.” Riyo.

He eyed the amber elixir. Bubbles fizzed up to the top, small crackles and pops sounding as they reached the surface.

“What’s wrong, Rudo?” Riyo eyed him from across the table. 

“I just don’t think I’ve seen a drink like this before.”

“WHATTTTT!” Enjin yelled, mouth gaping wide. 

“You’ve never had soda before?” Riyo asked. 

Rudo shook his head, “No…but I don’t know if they had it beyond the fence.”

“Beyond what fence?” Gris asked, eyebrows furrowing. 

Zanka, who had just taken his seat next to Riyo, lit up, “Oh, are you telling them more about the Sphere? When we talked earlier, I’m not sure I understood everything…clearly.” 

Rudo’s spine straightened, snapping him out of his contemplation. “I just haven’t seen it before.” Real subtle. 

Enjin, eyeing him like he had just thrown the glass and spit on it, sighed at the quite obvious subject change.

“Well…” Riyo’s voice was light. Sweet. Kind. “Let’s change that, huh?”

Something lit up behind Zanka’s eyes, and he gave Rudo a mischievous smile. “There’s a correct way of drinking it, though.”

Riyo laughed, but Follo looked lost. “Zanka, what are you-”

“You have to take big gulps, no sipping. It’s tradition down here. If you want to be more like us groundlings, you should try out our way of doing things.”

“That’s…” Strange. Weird. Odd. But who was he to judge their culture? The Sphere had plenty of customs that definitely would come off as peculiar to the Cleaners. 

Rudo eyed the liquid one more time, then took three full gulps. And that’s when he felt it. 

It burned. 

He immediately went into a coughing fit, clutching at the internal bite.

It was a weird feeling. It didn’t hurt, per say, but it wasn't comfortable. 

Zanka and Riyo were laughing at him. Follo and Gris looked amused but concerned. But Enjin? 

Enjin was in tears. Being inebriated didn’t help in the matter, but he found Rudo’s surprise to be priceless. 

Still choking on the drink, Rudo put up a middle finger. 

“Zanka, that was mean.” Riyo said, although she was still laughing. “Rudo, take a sip…this time slower.”

He eyed her distrustfully, but after a moment took a careful sip. 

It was pure heaven.

It was sickly sweet and Rudo could feel it coat the inside of his mouth with sugar, the syrupy texture coating his teeth. The bubbles didn’t leave a stinging burn this time, clearly better in moderation. The sugar was enticing, and he had never tasted anything like it before.

The ground has the tastiest concoctions. 

Rudo took another sip. 

“Oh my, we’ve created a monster.” Riyo joked. 

Rudo couldn’t help himself from taking more small sips.

“Everyone has a vice, and Rudo clearly has chosen sugar for his.” 

Rudo felt an unsettling feeling churn in the pit of his gut. He put a hand to his stomach.

Follo caught this movement, “Uh oh, here comes-”

Rudo let out the loudest burp in his life. The excess amount of air and bubbles that were collected in his stomach expelled back out in the form of a lengthened belch.

Rudo didn’t feel guilty for doing it in Zanka’s direction. 

Everyone at the table was silent. All watching him with widened eyes at the crude action. Then, everyone’s eyes landed on Zanka- his face crunched together in a grossed out expression. He looked offended. Totally disgusted. Appalled. 

The table fell into chaos. 

Gris and Follo were laughing loudly now, Riyo curled in on herself in tears. Enjin grabbed onto Zanka’s shoulders, not hiding the fact that he was laughing at the boy’s pain. In fact, he was pointing his tattooed finger right into his face, “Oh my God- you totally- deserved that.” He managed to gasp out through his fit of laughter. 

Zanka sat still for a moment, spine straightened as if any tiny movement would make things worse. But, Rudo watched as he slowly relaxed, his face slowly untightening- unable to keep his own smile from his lips. 

Rudo felt something warm in his chest. 

Their laughter carried through the air, ringing a bright bell within his heart. Rudo can’t remember the last time he truly felt happy. He had forgotten he was capable of it. Forgotten what it felt like. Forgotten what the urge to smile and laugh was. He didn’t think he could. 

But now, watching the cleaners break down in an amused roar all around him…Not laughing at him, but laughing with him, he felt an urge to smile. To join in. 

His lips didn’t fully form a smile- Rudo doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to in his life. He’s long lost the ability to. But they curved upwards at the ends, even if so very slightly. 

It was the most miniscule of actions. It felt unnatural. It felt foreign. 

He knew he probably looked weird. Pained. Uncanny.

But even so, he couldn’t erase this feeling within him. It burst up to the surface, clawing and screaming against the dark void. Against the anger. Against his insistence on burying it.

Enjin caught his eye. His eyes found something within Rudo, and there was some type of understanding behind his gaze. 

He flashed Rudo a beaming smile.