Chapter Text
“And it's one for the times when I let them win
One for the light that I let him dim
And it's one for a kiss that should never have been
The doodles I'd undo”
Doodles, by Rose Betts
Bucky stumbled down the hall of his aunt’s house trying to remember which of many doors in that long hallway was the bathroom. Her old mansion was too damn big, which was why the family chose to have their annual reunion/New Year’s party there every year, but somehow, there was still never enough bathrooms.
He opened the first door he came to- it was a closet filled with a vacuum cleaner and enough toilet paper to last a lifetime. Bucky hiccuped and closed it, then meandered to the next- dusty stairs leading to the attic.
The next door opened to the laundry room. It wasn’t empty.
His scrawny cousin Steve sat on top of the washing machine, dangling his feet, and scowling at nothing in particular. He seemed to scowl a lot these days. He’d never been a super friendly guy, but he’d always had a smile for Bucky. At least, he used to. Bucky hiccuped and swayed in the doorway, leaning on the knob for support. It moved though, and he stumbled sideways into the frame. Steve turned his scowl on Bucky.
“You’re drunk.”
His tone was angry and accusatory. Bucky shrugged his shoulders and smiled his most disarming smile.
“Just a little,” he said, pinching his fingers almost together and trying to play it cool, but then he hiccuped again and ruined the effect.
“What are you doing in here?” he asked to distract from how deeply uncool he actually felt. He’d only drank half of the cup that he’d found unattended, but it’d been really strong and now he felt sweaty and strange and more than a little dizzy.
Steve’s scowl deepened, “Trying to get away from everyone. There’s too many damn people in this house.”
Bucky nodded in solidarity. Steve had never been one for crowds. When they were little, they’d have snuck off together to play in the back yard, making mudpies that inevitably turned into mud fights which ended with both of them getting their backsides tanned for ruining their ‘good’ clothes, or hide and seek, or astronauts and aliens. Playing with cousin Steve was the best part of family reunions. He’d always wished they could see each other more, but their families lived too far apart. They only saw each other at reunions, weddings and sometimes funerals. One year they went to the same summer camp and that had been the best summer of Bucky’s life.
Biceps flexing, he hoisted himself up on the dryer, next to Steve. It was warm and felt good on his butt. He smiled happily over at Steve. Steve stared blankly back.
“What are YOU doing in here?” Steve asked suspiciously.
“I was looking for the bathroom and got lost.”
Steve raised a skeptic eyebrow, “After 15 years of coming to the same house?”
Bucky shrugged again, “Well, I wasn’t really looking for the bathroom. I kinda wanted to be alone too. But we can be alone together right? I missed you. You were always the best part of these things.”
The alcohol was making his tongue loose. The small blond blushed at his frankness and looked away. He didn’t say anything after that. They continued to sit quietly in the small laundry room. Bucky’s foot twitched and it thumped against the metal appliance with a loud thud. The silence started to get awkward.
“Soo, how’s school?” Bucky drawled out, then winced at how much he sounded like his mother.
Steve snorted, but he didn’t respond.
“You know you can talk to me right? We used to be friends. We still are friends, I think.”
Bucky hated how insecure he sounded, but it was Steve. And Steve had been acting weird around him, almost avoiding him all night. He wouldn’t have cared if it was any of the other cousins, but Steve was important. He’d always been the only one that mattered to Bucky.
Steve looked over at him in surprise, his pretty cornflower blue eyes wide. “We’re friends?”
It was Bucky’s turn to scowl, “Yea, stupid. Best friends.”
They’d decided that long ago. And it never mattered how much time went by between visits, they’d always picked up right where they left off, like no time had passed at all. That was how you could tell the difference between regular friends and best friends.
Whatever bug was up Steve’s butt seemed to fly away and he smiled for the first time. Bucky stopped breathing for a second, cause Steve’s smiles were always the prettiest. As a little kid, Bucky had been willing to play the clown and do any manner of foolish things, just to wipe away that sour frown and make Steve smile like he was smiling now. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same.
Suddenly, Steve began to pour his heart out, “I hate school now. I HATE it.”
Bucky was shocked, “But you always loved school!”
“Well, I hate it now. I liked it when everybody was the same, and it was all about recess and actually learning cool stuff. Now, it's all about people’s bodies and who’s dating who and social hierarchies. It’s all ‘Guess who presented as Alpha or Omega or Beta or whatever’ like it's sooooo important and the only thing that matters about a person. And if you don’t care about that stuff, and still want to learn stuff and do cool things like Mathletes, they call you a nerd.”
“Man, I totally get it,” Bucky said emphatically. They were both late bloomers, unpresented while everyone around them had already gotten their designations.
Steve looked at his sideways, “You do?”
“Well, not about the nerd stuff. You know I’m not as smart as you. But I feel like that about football, and nobody cares about playing football for the fun of it anymore. They just want to talk about designations and college and going pro and I hate it. I just want to play ball. I don’t think what’s between your legs is all that important. It doesn’t change who you are, ya know?”
“Yea, but I really don’t want to be an Omega.”
Bucky was shocked that one of the most progressive people he knew would say something so misogynistic. He expected that kinda crap to fall out of the mouths of the dumb jocks on the football team, but not Steve.
Steve backpedaled quickly. He held up his hands, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being an Omega, I just don’t feel like one. Omegas are supposed to be polite and sweet and agreeable and shit.”
Bucky laughed out loud then. Steve might be tiny, but he was the most cantankerous son-of-a-bitch he knew. He spent their childhood picking fights with the other cousins that Bucky had to get him out of- sometimes with smooth talking but more often than not with his fists.
A sour expression was back on Steve’s face, and he could tell Steve thought he was laughing at him, so now it was Bucky's turn to backpedal, “You’re right, but you’re wrong. Like I just said, what’s between your legs doesn’t make you who you are. Sure, society expects Omegas to act a certain way, but it's not like it's mandated anymore. You wouldn’t have to play Susie homemaker or even have kids if you don’t want to. Omegas can do pretty much whatever they want now.”
“So, you’re saying you would be ok with it if you turned out to be an Omega?”
“Oh God No,” Bucky blurted without thinking.
Steve crossed his arms and pinned him with a penetrating state, “Hypocrite.”
“It's not the same! My whole life I’ve only wanted two things- to play football and join the Army Special Forces. Those are literally the only things Omegas can’t do”
“Well, I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. You’ve got Alpha written all over you. Fuck man, you got swole. What have you been eating?”
Steve poked at his upper arm. Bucky grinned and flexed his bicep. Over the last year, he had a massive growth spurt. He was 5’9” which was tall for 16, with squared shoulders, tight muscles and a jawline that could cut glass. Unpresented or not, the handsome quarterback made all the pretty Omegas swoon. Everyone, himself included, fully expected Bucky to present as an Alpha any day now.
“I feel like I’m in the wrong body,” Steve confessed, “Like, my body doesn’t match who I am inside.”
Everyone thought he was going to be an Omega. He was 16 too, but still looked like a pre-teen, only a few inches past 5 feet with arms and legs like long string beans. Despite the foul-mouth, he was really cute though. He had the longest lashes, and prettiest eyes. His lips were always pink. He had the smoothest, creamiest skin. Bucky realized he was staring and looked away.
“I’m really sorry Steve,” he said sincerely, throwing a long arm around his best friend’s skinny shoulders.
“Thanks,” Steve said miserably, but he leaned into the bigger teen for comfort and they knocked their feet together like old times. Bucky rubbed his shoulder. He smelled really good. Like sunshine and summer and sweet things.
“For what it's worth Steve, I think you’d make a good Omega,” Bucky said softly.
“Yea?”
“You’re- you’re really pretty, and you’re really nice, when it's someone you care about,” Bucky confessed. His cheeks were burning. He wasn’t normally this open.
“I think you’re really pretty too,” Steve said blushing bright red.
“You can’t say that to an Alpha!” Bucky protested.
“Well, you aren’t an Alpha yet.”
“And you aren’t an Omega yet.”
“When we are, do you think things will have to change between us? Everybody says Alphas and Omegas can’t be friends,” Bucky said, worrying his lower lip with his teeth.
“Stop that,” Steve said, poking at Bucky’s lip to make him stop biting it, “And nothing has to change if we don’t want it to. You said so yourself, what’s between your legs doesn’t make you who you are.”
“But what if- What if we did want things to change?” Bucky said, braver than he could ever have been without half a pint of hard liquor in his blood stream.
He’d had a crush on Steve for years and the thought of Steve as an Omega, as his Omega, made him feel flushed and hot in his pants. And the heat wasn’t coming up from the dryer anymore. Steve hesitated, with his hand in the air. Their faces were close together now, Bucky’s tilted down, Steve’s tilted up, as if waiting for a kiss. His hand finally settled on Bucky’s cheek.
“I think… that might be okay. If we both wanted it,” Steve said confidently.
“Do we?” Bucky swallowed hard because his heart was beating in his throat now.
“Yea, I think so.”
They moved forward at the same time, but startled apart when they heard their family begin yelling loudly in the family room. They were counting down to the New Year. “Nine- eight- seven- six!”
Bucky decided he wasn’t above begging. He slapped on his best suave smile, “Kiss me for luck, pretty Omega?”
“You’ll need all the help you can get, stupid Alpha,” Steve said deprecatingly, but Bucky could tell he didn’t mean it.
Steve leaned up, and Bucky leaned down and just as the clock struck midnight, their lips met. Steve kissed just like he fought, chin forward, teeth first, but his lips were soft and sweet. Neither of them knew what they were doing, and the kiss was clumsy and wet, but Bucky felt like the fireworks were exploding inside his head. It felt bright and warm, sparking behind his eyelids. Steve tasted like everything good and wonderful, like summer and s’mores over a campfire and nights spent telling secrets under blankets, and watergun fights, and inside jokes that made you laugh until your sides hurt. He tasted like childhood and he tasted like a bright future and Bucky never wanted to stop kissing him.
When they finally parted, both boys gasped for breath. Bucky didn’t have to ask if the kiss was any good, because it was written on Steve's face. He looked just as dazed as the time cousin Brock had accidentally hit him over the head with an oar at camp, and Bucky had pushed Brock into the pond for it. His pupils were dark and his cheeks were pink and his lips were swollen. Bucky knew his own face looked the same.
“Is this why they call it kissing cousins?” Bucky joked hoarsely.
“You’re an idiot,” Steve said but his smile was radiant and his pretty blue eyes shined like diamonds, so Bucky kissed his curved, parted lips again, and then again.
They didn’t get much more time, because right after midnight, the party disbursed and their parents came looking for them, drunk and grumpy and ready to go home the way grown-ups always were when they’d missed their bedtime.
“Write me,” Steve whispered when Bucky hugged him goodbye, squeezing him a little tighter and holding his slender body just a hair longer than was appropriate.
“I will,” he promised fervently.
But he didn’t. Because only a few short days later, Bucky presented as an Omega, and that changed everything.