Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Despite the fact that it was Halloween, the mandatory quarantine over all of Hawkins made it difficult to trick or treat. The same had been true last year, and many kids lamented that if they had known 1985 would be the last year they could trick or treat, they would have enjoyed it more. Still, most residents of Hawkins managed to find some way to enjoy themselves despite the limitations, and enough children's parties were able to be thrown that the youngsters weren't as bothered by the change in tradition as they may have been otherwise. 

El, however, was unable to be pacified, as she sat on the radio station roof to watch the sun set behind the tree line. Granted, she was in hiding again, and to be fair, she was training every day for a fight that she was beginning to worry would never come, but ultimately, both were possible for her to deal with, in the end. She had been since March of '86. At least it wasn't like the last time she had been locked up in that cabin - she got to leave it, through the tunnels of course, but she got to breathe the fresh air and run around and get out her energy during training. Instead of never seeing her friends, she saw them frequently - not only at the WSQK radio station, but in the cabin, too. Hopper wasn't the only adult, Joyce would come by and they evened each other out - instead of a hardass and a flake, they became a decent parenting team. And Mike was in good spirits, well, as good as they could be, given everything, rather than a depressed shell of himself. 

At least, for now. 

But, as El stared at her trembling fingers, she knew that wouldn't last long. 

She had to tell him. She had to tell everyone, but she had to tell him first. 

"We are not stupid," Hopper continued to insist, even today. 

Most of her actions - even leaving the cabin, all those years ago, in a desperate bid for freedom - she would defend as being "not stupid". Even this, at least, until now, she would insist wasn't stupid - even more, she would insist it was one of the best things she ever did. 

And maybe she would be able to think that again some day. 

But for now, all El could feel was stupid. 

At least it was fitting to be this level of terrified on Halloween. 

Twelve Weeks Before Halloween

El's training wasn't just in her psychic abilities, or even in her physical strength. 

"If we make it out of this, you're going to need to be able to do things other than fight and hide," Hopper had insisted over a year before, "So you have to keep up with your studies, at least, try to. School was hard with the other kids, but one on one we were making real progress." 

Thus, El would spend every other day studying with Hopper or Joyce, while the other parent would work on crawl-related business with the rest of the party. Sometimes Mike, or Will, or Dustin, or even Lucas would come to help, happy to join in and assist either adult with the educational process. Nancy and Jonathan would help sometimes too, but Steve and Robin bowed out, insisting they would end up doing more harm than good. 

Today was one of those rare occasions with Nancy, who was helping her with science. Joyce needed to assist Hopper and Murray with the supply drop, and Nancy had sprained her ankle the last crawl, so she was trying to take it easy. 

"The pictures help," El murmured as she stared at her biology book, flipping through it and looking at the different diagrams. 

"I'm glad," Nancy agreed, "I know it's hard, but you really are bright, you know. If you hadn't... well, if all those awful things hadn't happened to you, you'd be a star student." 

El looked at her skeptically, but Nancy nodded emphatically. 

"I mean it. Think about how much brain power your abilities take - how much trauma you're carrying - and then you had a stroke on top of it, I mean, of course you would be. We just have to keep working at it, and you'll get there," Nancy reassured. 

"I don't know," El mumbled, kicking at the nearest leg of the table in irritation. 

"Why?" Nancy asked kindly, shutting the book in front of her. 

"I'm not normal," El muttered, "I never can be normal. I'm... a freak." 

It had taken her recent adventures in the bunker for her to stop saying "monster", but she couldn't bring herself to stop identifying with "freak". Besides everything else, it was just an inescapable fact. 

"Do you want to be normal?" Nancy asked, "I mean, no one in the party is normal." 

"There's not normal and then there's... me," El admitted, "I... never feel like I belong, anywhere." 

"Not even with us?"

"Most of the time I feel I belong with the party," El agreed, "But... not all the time. I'm... always aware, of how much less I know about... everything, than anyone else." 

"Everyone has things they don't know that other people do," Nancy reassured, "I mean, look, you're only sixteen. When I was sixteen, I was making out with Steve and trying to memorize chemistry equations and I didn't know anything at all about the Upside Down or any of the rest of it. There are plenty of things I'll never learn because I'll never need to know them - I'm never going to be a physicist or a psychologist, so I won't know the deep details of those things. You spent the first twelve years of your life specializing in being a psychic - you didn't learn anything else because you weren't allowed to, but that doesn't mean you can't learn things in the future, or that this version of yourself is all you'll ever be." 

"We don't know we have a future," El sighed, accidentally ripping a corner of a page in her notebook as she fidgeted. 

"If we don't act like we do, then we'll lose," Nancy pointed out. 

"Yeah..." El looked up and frowned again, "I have so many things I want to do, but..." 

"We're stuck here," Nancy said. El nodded rapidly. 

"Well, is there anything you want to experience that you can do here? Or, at least, something Murray could bring in?" Nancy asked. 

El shrugged, looking down at her hands, her eyes flicking briefly to the biology book that lay closed on the table. 

“I’m not sure.” 

“I didn’t really know what I wanted when I was your age either,” Nancy agreed, “Long before Barb died. I mean…” 

Nancy took a deep breath before murmuring, “I basically killed her… it’s all my fault.” 

“How?” El asked in confusion before she could stop herself, “I opened the -“ 

“On accident,” Nancy insisted, “But… I abandoned her by choice.” 

“Why?” El asked, averting her gaze the slightest amount, fiddling with the corner of the book cover. 

Nancy sighed, took a deep breath, and unclenched herself. El was the same age she had been. She was learning biology and had a long term steady boyfriend. She also watched a very large amount of television, including soap operas, which were often graphically sexual. El wasn’t an idiot, she surely knew about or had thought about sex. Besides, with her psychic abilities, she might just have known what happened that night all those years ago anyway. 

“I was having sex with Steve,” Nancy admitted, looking anywhere but at El’s face. 

“How long had you been his girlfriend?” El asked, utterly nonjudgmental. 

“Not long at all,” Nancy said, shrugging, “I wasn’t really… lust is a powerful thing, I guess.” 

“Did you love him?” El asked seriously. 

“Not at the time,” Nancy admitted, “I thought I did, later… but not when we first had sex.” 

El frowned, contemplating this, continuing to fidget with the corner of her book. 

“Was that your first time?” El finally murmured, looking up to meet Nancy’s eyes. 

“Yes,” Nancy answered, “I… regret it. Not having sex, exactly, but… the fact that I was so focused on it that I… left behind Barb.” 

El nodded, looking down at her lap. 

“Mike and I haven’t… anything,” El said, picking at her nail beds nervously. 

“That’s alright,” Nancy interjected hurriedly, “It’s a big step, and it can be overwhelming, and -“ 

“I think I want to, though,” El suddenly said, cutting off her ramble, “I don’t… I don’t want to wonder… I don’t want either of us to live with… I don’t want to die and never have…” 

“Have you talked about this with him?” Nancy asked. 

“Not yet,” El acknowledged, “I don’t want to scare him.” 

“I doubt you’d scare him,” Nancy laughed, “He is a teenage boy.” 

El giggled uncontrollably, "I do notice his... well, I notice when we're kissing, or sometimes when I'm getting in and out of the bath... the sensory bath!" 

"I figured," Nancy snorted, "And maybe he doesn't think he's ready, but, you really do need to talk to him about this, I think. As uncomfortable as it makes me to think of my little brother having sex." 

"But I love him, and I want... I want to..." El took a deep breath and swallowed, before continuing, "I want to be as close to him as I can, to love him every way that I can, I want to feel him, I -" 

"Hoooo-kay, let's stop there, he is my brother," Nancy said, "But, given how long you've been together, and how much you've gotten through together, I'm not really surprised. And it's a better reason than I had."

"What was your reason?" El asked seriously. 

"Steve was cute, and I was horny," Nancy admitted. They both then started laughing uncontrollably, the tension in the room over the topic of conversation finally breaking completely. 

"Well Mike is cute, and I am horny," El finally gasped out, sending both of them into even more fits of laughter. 

"I think those are also good reasons, honestly," Nancy said, "I was just reckless. But you're not, you've been with him for years!"

"I'm not being reckless?" El asked in confusion, "I'm only... I'm only really rushing this because..." she gestured around herself, not pointing to any specific strange feature around her in particular. 

"If the world wasn't ending, if you and Mike weren't placed into an impossible position for two sixteen year olds... I think it would have come up before now," Nancy pointed out, raising an eyebrow, "Maybe not much before now, but... before now." 

"You're probably right," El agreed, "I'm worried... with my speaking, and everything... I worry Mike thinks he'd be taking advantage of me." 

"Oh please," Nancy rolled her eyes, "If he took advantage of you you'd throw him off with your powers. There'd be a Mike-shaped hole in the wall."

El giggled uncontrollably, "That's what I think! No one can make me do anything, 'cept government creeps." 

"And that's just because you were a child and they had control over you," Nancy agreed, "Mike is a skinny sixteen year old twerp."

They both burst into more laughter, unable to stop themselves at the mere thought of Mike trying to overpower El. 

"I don't think he thinks he'd be doing that, though," Nancy finally managed to gasp out as her laughs petered out, "Some people underestimate you, but not him. He knows you're an intelligent, thoughtful young woman, talking just doesn't come easily to you. It doesn't come easily to other people, too, and they haven't even been raised in a lab hellhole or gotten a stroke before they were eighteen. That doesn't mean you don't know what you'd be doing, or what you want. And Mike knows that."

El nodded thoughtfully, "Then why hasn't he brought it up? I said earlier I... have seen the evidence he's thought about it..."

"It would be weirder if you hadn't," Nancy agreed, "But maybe he doesn't want to scare you. Or maybe he thinks you don't want to worry about it when you're training. I place a high probability on him trying to take care of you, though, because that's what he always does." 

El smiled despite herself, a blush creeping into her cheeks. 

"So, yeah. I think you need to discuss all this with him," Nancy emphasized, feeling good about how she handled this awkward conversation. 

El nodded, frowning a little. 

"What... is it like?" 

Nancy swore internally, unable to stop herself. She thought she had gotten out of this somehow, but nope. Of course Joyce had never told her about sex, why would she have.

"It's... fun. Kinda gross, but fun," Nancy said, looking anywhere but at El, "Um... it gets sweaty, and you can kind of lose yourself in it if you want, in a good way. It can be a little overwhelming having someone on top of you, but you get used to it, especially if you trust the person - and if you don't, well, there are ways to position yourselves that aren't working against gravity. And it can hurt, the first time, because your vagina isn't used to it, but it adjusts itself eventually if you're enjoying it."

"Why is it... gross?" El asked. 

"Fluids, El. Fluids. They get everywhere," Nancy laughed, "Though, fewer of them do if you use a condom." 

"I don't have anything for that," El admitted, "Hopper or Joyce would never put me on birth control, and where would I get a condom?" 

Nancy nodded, digging into her purse and pulling out a box of them, "Then here. Just in case. They're not that hard to get, I don't think the military wants many births during this quarantine any more than us civvies do. I am on the pill, anyway." 

"Then why do you have both things?" El asked in confusion. 

"Pill doesn't always work, condoms don't always work," Nancy explained, "I want to be safe. I don't even know if I want kids yet." 

El frowned and nodded, taking the box and sticking it in her nightstand drawer before returning to the living room. 

"I think I do," El murmured, "Not any time soon, but... if I can, I think I want to." 

"I'm not surprised," Nancy admitted, "You didn't grow up with a family, so you want to make one of your own." 

"With Mike," El said firmly, "That's part of it. I want... I want to have a family with him." 

"I think he wants to with you, too," Nancy said softly, "He hasn't said as much, but... I just get a feeling. If nothing else, the outfit he chose when he went out to see you in California before... everything... screamed 'awkward vacation dad'." 

They both burst into laughter again, holding on to each other as they almost fell out of their own chairs. 

"It wasn't you fault, though," El said after a while, looking at Nancy seriously. 

"It wasn't - what?" Nancy asked in confusion. 

"Barb. She was bleeding," El explained, "The demogorgon would have just gotten you, too." 

Nancy was speechless, unable to respond. 

"I remember her calling for help, but even if you had heard her, or gone to her, it wouldn't have been enough. You didn't even know about the monster then," El finished, reaching over to hold Nancy's hand in hers. 

Nancy started crying, unable to stop herself. 

"But I - I ignored her, I forced her to come to the party, I pushed her, I -" 

"You were a dumb teenager," El pointed out softly, "Being a dumb teenager doesn't usually result in death. Sometimes, but not usually. And you encouraged her to go home." 

Nancy nodded, closing her eyes tightly. 

"Vecna... said that I -" 

"Henry wants to make you scared," El said firmly, "Henry wants to make you upset. The more upset you are, the easier time he has trying to control you. It's what he does. It doesn't mean he's right." 

Nancy couldn't respond to that, and just continued sobbing, but El threw her arms around her and hugged her as tightly as she could. 

She knew what it was like to feel like a monster, and the last thing El wanted was for Nancy to think it had been her. 

It had always been Henry. 

Ten Weeks Before Halloween

"I should probably go home," Mike admitted, looking outside as the sun descended rapidly towards the horizon, "Don't want to get caught after curfew." 

El frowned, her head resting on his chest as they cuddled on the cabin's couch, fiddling with his fingers interlaced with her own. 

"You'd get caught anyway, it's too late," El said, "You should just call your parents, tell them you're staying with Dustin or something. Your dad won't complain about one less person using the bathroom." 

Mike laughed, playing with a strand of El's hair with his free hand, "It's not too late, you just want me to stay." 

"Hopper is running tunnel recon all night with Joyce, I don't like being alone," El protested, smiling at him, "But if you want to go home, I understand -"

"No, no," Mike protested immediately, sitting up with wide eyes, "If you need me here, I'll stay here. I'll go call my parents." 

El ignored her own sense of loss the minute Mike got up and ran to his walkie, unable to call as the cabin needed to stay somewhat off-grid. Dustin received the message and then went to relay it to his parents, giving the ruse an extra layer of authenticity. They had done this before, after all - it was the usual protocol for Mike staying at the cabin, not that it happened frequently. Still, they had been together for so long at this point, Hopper was beginning to accept Mike's presence, even if he still insisted on the door being open three inches. 

All that aside, El was much happier when Mike returned to the couch, enjoying the feeling of him wrapping his arms all the way around her. She reached up and held his face tightly in her hand, letting him interlace his fingers with the those of the other hand. El took a long, deep breath, enjoying the feeling of love and safety having him wrapped around her like this.

El hadn’t broached the topic of sex with Mike yet, still feeling far too nervous and awkward about it. As she nestled her head in the crook of his neck, she thought back to everything Nancy had told her. Both her and Mike were older than she had been - by a few months, anyway - and in a higher school grade, not that El was attending. They had been together so much longer, and were in love - and had been, possibly the entire time. 

El remembered the Snowball, how Mike had asked her to dance, and how she didn’t know how. 

“I don’t either,” Mike had reassured, “Do you want to figure it out?” 

El gripped Mike’s hand tightly, smiling to herself. Every step of their relationship had just been figuring it out, together. Growing up as a team, rather than on their own. Wouldn’t this just be the next step? 

Weren’t they as grown up - no, even more so, given everything they had been through - as, than, Nancy? 

“Mike?” El asked quietly, turning in her spot to face him. He watched her in confusion, his eyes never leaving hers as she slowly pulled herself into his lap. 

“Uh - um - uh - y-yeah?” Mike stammered, his face flushing bright red as El wrapped her legs around his waist. 

“I’ve been… thinking about… everything,” El continued, pressing her forehead against Mike’s, “What is coming for us, how murky the future is, everything…” 

“Oh… okay?” Mike asked softly, pulling his head back to get a better look at El’s, “Are you alright? Is something wrong? Do-“ 

“Nothing is wrong,” El reassured, “I just… I don’t want to regret anything.” 

“Neither do I,” Mike agreed, nodding rapidly, “I’ve been thinking about that too, not wanting any regrets. I’m so scared. But I know you’ll defeat Vecna, I know it. And then we’ll get the future we want.” 

“What about the present?” El murmured, “What about what we want, now?” 

"What... we want... now?" Mike asked, his voice much higher in pitch than it had been even two seconds ago. 

El took a deep breath, knowing full well that he was too scared to bring it up himself. Or maybe he wasn't ready. But El didn't want to assume, so she knew she had to break the ice. 

"I've have... um... been talking to Nancy," El continued, "And I've... been thinking about... sex." 

Mike closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but when he opened them, he still didn't meet El's eyes, looking instead at the corner of the room. 

"Okay," Mike said again, closing his eyes as if bracing himself for something terrible. 

"Do you... not want to?" El asked, her heart beginning to shatter as though she were watching him and Max bicker in the gym all over again. 

"Oh El," Mike murmured, meeting her eyes and tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear, "It's not that... honestly... I'm terrified by how much I want to... and how scared I am that it could go wrong." 

El nodded, pressing her forehead into Mike's shoulder, "I'm scared of that, too." 

"Which one?" Mike asked, "I'm confused -" 

"I'm scared by how much I want to, and I'm scared it could go wrong," El clarified, "But I'm scared of... something happening... and never having..." 

"Yeah," Mike sighed, "I'm scared of that, too. But I trust you, El. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll end this. That we'll have plenty of time to figure this all out." 

El nodded, looking down and sliding out of Mike's lap, sitting back normally on the couch, "Okay."

"Okay?" Mike asked, reaching back out for her hand and holding it lightly, "Talk to me, my love." 

El blushed before she could stop herself, looking at him and smiling, before letting out a sigh. 

"I'm happy you trust me. But..." 

"But?"

"I've failed before," El murmured, "I could fail again. I don't... I don't want to regret anything... if I... if you..." 

Mike sighed, closing his eyes tightly as he held his face in his hands, "I... I know, I don't... I don't want to either. God. I wish I could just make this choice like a normal teenager. Not worry I want to rush into things because I'm scared or worry I'm not rushing because I'm scared and I..." 

He finally looked up and at El again, "I'm so scared of hurting you." 

"You won't hurt me," El soothed softly, scooting closer towards him and stroking his cheek, "I'm worried I'll hurt you!" 

"You hurt me?" Mike asked in confusion, "Really? How?" 

"My powers!" El answered in surprise, "We don't know how they'll react to... well, any of that!" 

"You haven't... practiced on your own?" Mike said, shocked. 

"A little," El admitted, "But I didn't... I haven't been able to figure out how to have an orgasm." 

Mike's face flushed bright red, but he didn't avert his eyes, biting his lip almost imperceptibly, "Well, look, I accept that risk. It's not like the thought never occurred to me before." 

"And I can't accept the risk that you could hurt me?" El asked, "I still don't know how you could, but..." 

"Pushing you into it, or hurting you when I touch you because I don't know what I'm doing, or not realizing that you're uncomfortable and hurting you that way, or just being clumsy, or -" 

"Mike," El interjected, reaching out and holding his arm, "Slow down. Breathe." 

Mike took a deep breath, smiling in embarrassment. 

"Sorry. I mean, you watch TV. Most of the time girls don't seem to like it, especially if they're teens and they're doing it for the first time. And I just love you so much, the last thing I ever want to do is make you uncomfortable or hurt you, and it just feels like that's inevitable," Mike explained, "I've been avoiding the subject because I just didn't want to add all this on top of everything else we're dealing with, and -"

"Mike," El said again, holding both of his hands tightly, "I understand. But TV isn't real life. I learn that every time something I learned from TV doesn't happen the way I thought." 

Mike laughed, pulling up El's hand to his mouth to kiss it. 

"Nancy was with a boy who knew what he was doing, who she wasn't in love with, and hadn't even been together for very long," El continued softly, "But she still... enjoyed it, even though she has mixed feelings now." 

"Ugh, do we have to talk about my sister?" Mike groaned, but he looked at El thoughtfully. 

"Not any more than that," El reassured, "I'm just saying. We've been together for ages, we're in love, and we don't want to hurt each other. I think it'll go okay, even if we have to figure it out together." 

Mike's eyes snapped to lock onto El's immediately, his face softening as memories of the Snowball came to his mind at her word choice. 

"And you're not pushing me into it. I brought it up, not you!" El laughed. 

"I was... trying to explain why I hadn't, I guess," Mike admitted, laughing along with her, "God. Like, I know I'm older than Nancy had been, and so many other people our age have done it - heck, even younger than us, I mean, I have stories from school - but I just... I'm so happy with you and how things are, I don't want to ruin it, I really really.. really don't." 

"I don't think it would ruin it," El murmured, stroking his cheek softly, "I think... it would be wonderful." 

"I hope it would be," Mike whispered. 

"Kissing is wonderful," El reminded, "Saying I love you is wonderful. Dancing is wonderful. Falling asleep next to each other is wonderful. Why wouldn't this be?" 

"I don't know," Mike admitted, "I just wish I could feel as confident as you do." 

"We could take it slow?" El asked, "Make sure we are ready, at each step? But... work towards it?" 

"Okay," Mike agreed, "Okay, yeah. I think we can do that. Might be hard with so many chaperones around, but... we can figure it out." 

"We've gotten around Hopper and Joyce before," El giggled. 

"We weren't actively trying to do the main thing they would rather we not do," Mike snorted, "But you're right, we can figure it out. Um... do I need to... before we get to that point, do I need to try and find protection or something?" 

"Nancy gave me some," El admitted, "They're in my nightstand." 

"Okay," Mike said, "That's good. I didn't want to have to ask someone." 

"You're welcome," El said, and they both burst into laughter, the tension breaking as they both grew comfortable with the novel status quo. Mike leaned in to kiss her, and El felt more sure of her decision than ever. 

How could anything with this wonderful boy be bad? 

Six weeks Before Halloween

"God, I love you," Mike whispered in El's ear, unable to stop himself as he kissed up and down her neckline and collar bone. El let out a sigh of pleasure as pleasant tingles danced under her skin with every kiss, her fingers entangling in his hair before she could stop herself. She wanted to pull him, grab him, cling to him - 

"Mike, Hopper could be back any minute," El managed to gasp out, clarity breaking through the haze fogging her brain, "He'd kill you, you gotta -" 

Mike groaned against her throat, wrapping his arms completely around her, as if he could merge them together and prevent them from ever separating again. 

"How can I think about that old man when I have a goddess to worship in front of me," Mike murmured, returning to his kisses, El giggling uncontrollably at the audacity of his determination. If she wasn't immediately worried about the imminent arrival of her adopted father, El would have already taken off her shirt - and probably his, too. Her bra was the actual question, but honestly, she knew she'd be in the process of taking it off by this point. 

Damn Hopper. 

"I know, I know," El gasped between kisses as Mike returned his mouth to hers, eagerly kissing her and holding her face in his hands, gripping her for dear life. She honestly forgot what she was saying, kissing him back and curling into his arms, gripping onto his shirt, "Mike -" 

"El," Mike whispered between kisses, before looking at her seriously and leaning in to her ear, "Jane." 

El shivered, unable to stop herself. She loved 'El', it was the name Mike had given her, the name she associated with feeling like a person for the first time... ever. But Jane was like a special secret, the possibility that she could be normal, a present given to her by her mother. When Mike said it, it was a reminder of how well he knew her, how close they were, how much of her heart she had given him and how much of his he had given her in return. 

Overcome with emotion, El pulled Mike towards her for another kiss, holding his face tightly in her hands and moving her lips against his intensely. He groaned into her mouth, unable to stop himself, and she pushed him down on the couch, straddling him before she could overthink it. She could feel his erection, straining against his pants, pressing into her as she sat on him, and she couldn't stop herself from grinding against him. Both moaned together at the action, Mike leaning up to kiss her, their hands unable to stop wandering all over each other's chests. Mike's hands finally settled on El's hips, and he gripped her tightly as she ground against him again, whimpering helplessly into her mouth as she couldn't stop kissing him. 

"I love you," El gasped, pulling away and trying desperately to breathe normally, but her hips were still moving - seemingly of their own volition - and Mike's face was the picture of awe, as if he still couldn't believe that she was with him. 

"I love you," Mike said again, leaning up a little to kiss all over her arms, "I love you so much it hurts, El -" 

"Oh, I love you so much it hurts, Mike, I wouldn't trade it, not for anything," El decreed, and they fell into kissing again, Mike's hands starting to crawl underneath her shirt and run along her bare back, making her shiver once again. She wanted him, she needed him, she couldn't think straight, she - 

The two teens jumped apart from one another as rapidly as possible, finding themselves shocked and confused on the floor of the cabin as the alarming screech of walkie static filled the air. 

"El, it's Hopper, do you copy, over?" 

El jumped for the walkie and pulled it up, pressing the button to respond, "Yes, I'm here, I copy, over." 

"Gonna be stuck at the Squawk for longer than I thought, Murray is running late," Hopper said, "Not sure why, so I don't know when I'll be back, over." 

"Okay," El said, swallowing and avoiding looking at Mike, "Do you want me to come there or should I stay put? Over." 

"Stay put, there are more soldiers out today than usual which might be an explanation for Murray," Hopper answered, "Is Mike still with you? Over." 

"Yes, and I don't think he should go back if there are a lot of soldiers, over," El said, hoping her actual reasoning didn't bleed through in her voice. 

"I agree. I'll call again when I am on my way back. Behave, keep the door open three inches. Over and out." 

El put down the walkie, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. He didn’t know when he’d be back. It could be ages. Mike was to stay there, with his permission. He’d give them a heads up when he was coming back. 

They would never have an opportunity like this again, at least, they couldn’t count on it. But was Mike ready? Was she? 

Her body certainly thought she was ready, even if she wasn’t sure in her mind. Hesitantly, El looked over at Mike, who seemed to decide to do the same thing at the same time. Their eyes met, and wordlessly, they both stood up, rapidly walking towards each other. Mike grabbed El’s face in his hands and kissed her passionately, wordlessly, hungrily. El melted in his arms, her brain swirling with thoughts, but mostly she was overwhelmed by her own hunger - not the hunger she had gotten used to in the lab, on the run, but a different, somehow more urgent hunger. As if, though she couldn’t fathom how, not being with Mike now would strike her dead. 

El wrapped her arms as tightly around Mike as she could, kissing him rapidly, clawing at his back as though to graft them together. Before she knew what was happening, Mike lifted her up in his arms, carrying her so she automatically wrapped her legs around his waist. A fleeting question of what the opposite of a piggyback was entered her mind, but it was hardly the time to giggle at such things, as the last thing El wanted in the universe was for Mike to drop her now. She also had a hunch that Mike was proud to be lifting her himself, and didn’t use her powers to help him.

They kept kissing passionately, their mouths now fully open and tongues pressing and rubbing along each other, when El felt Mike start to walk towards her room. Too overwhelmed with lust to think of it quickly enough, by the time they reached the doorway the necessity of a brief pause finally escaped to the front of her brain. 

“The walkie,” El gasped, “We need it-“ 

Mike groaned against her lips, and El let herself use her powers, summoning the device to her hand as Mike rapidly carried her to the bed. El set the walkie down on the nightstand and pulled Mike on top of her, the two of them continuing their passionate kisses on the edge of the bed. El was quick to pull off Mike’s shirt, knowing just because they had no idea when Hopper would come back doesn’t mean they had all the time in the world. Mike lifted up her shirt in response. El was glad they had gotten the topless part of this journey done a couple weeks ago, so time spent in awe of such a discovery had already happened. That said, Mike was so enamored with El’s breasts, as he unhooked and pulled off her bra, he remained a bit distracted. Mike immediately buried his face between them, breathing deeply, as if he could imprint her essence in his nostrils. 

“Jesus, El,” Mike whispered, nuzzling his face against the side of one of her breasts, “How are you so sexy?” 

Sexy. El knew that word, but never would have imagined anyone applying it to her. Sexy was those gorgeous women on the television or the fit men on the cover of sports magazines. Sexy was lace-trimmed underwear and adults dancing in clubs and low lighting and the infamous “happy screams”.

As El struggled to form a thought to respond - Mike was far too busy sucking on one of her nipples, sending shocks of excitement and pleasure down her spine - she realized that sexy was just as up to each individual as pretty or beautiful was. And Mike, who had long been pretty and beautiful to her, was sexier than any person on the television.

(It helped, of course, that they had both started to leave their awkward phases - she was curvier, so no single curvy location drew one's attention more than the others; and Mike was a little less lanky, a little more filled out, so he didn’t look like he would snap with a too hard hug. When El was honest with herself, though, she had to admit that the twig look had been sexy, too.)

So, as Mike switched to the other nipple, seemingly unperturbed by her lack of response, El managed to gasp out, “How… are… you… so… sexy?” 

Mike groaned loudly, pulling himself back up to capture her mouth in a furious kiss. El matched his groan, reveling in the feeling of his skin against hers, wrapping her arms tightly around him and clawing at his back. He gently scooted her further into the bed, pulling them both onto it fully, but his weight on top of her felt almost like she was being crushed. 

“Wait - wait -“ El mumbled, and Mike drew back from her as quickly as a shot, looking shocked and scared down at her. 

“Shit, did I hurt you? Fuck, I’m sorry -“ 

“No, Mike, no - it’s okay - you’re just a little heavier than I thought -“ 

"Oh, um - I - then how -" 

El sat up, pushing him up with her, smiling at him cheekily. Mike grinned back sheepishly, letting El guide him on the bed. She helped him scoot back until he was sitting against the headboard, looking at her as though the only thing in his universe was her. Swallowing heavily, El wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling herself into his lap. 

"Is this... okay?" El asked, "That way, neither of us is too heavy." 

"Y-yeah," Mike stammered, "Fuck, yes, this is okay." 

El giggled before she could stop herself, amused at the combination of his nervousness and eagerness, leaning into kiss him while overwhelmed with love. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, pushing her as close to him as he could with their pants still on, his hands running all over her back and sending sparks up and down her spine. Before she really knew where her hands were going, she reached for the snap on his jeans, her fingers trembling as she tried to undo the button herself. Mike groaned into her mouth at the contact, gripping her shoulders so tightly it did actually start to hurt a little, but she really did not mind at all. If anything, she wanted him to grip harder, so much harder, but her head was in too much of a haze to bring the emotion to verbal expression. Finally, she managed to unhook the button, pulling down the zipper and trying to shimmy the jeans off of his hips. 

"Here, wait," Mike murmured, lifting her a little by her hips so he could pull the jeans off and throw them on the floor. El guided his hands back to her own pants, her heart fluttering in anticipation as he fumbled with her sweatpants and managed to pull them off of her. For her part, El was distracted by his erection, now pressing upward and straining against his boxers. As she shimmied her pants off of her hips she traced it lightly, in sheer fascination at the feeling of it as Mike moaned at her touch. 

"God, the effect you have on me," he moaned, pressing his face into the crook of her neck as she continued to stroke him lightly over his underwear. El laughed lightly into his ear, pulling his right hand off of her hip and guiding it into her panties. El noticed Mike stopped breathing as she placed her hand on her, letting him feel how wet she already was. 

"The effect you have on me," El whispered, their eyes locking on each other as they hesitantly explored this newfound territory. El found it harder and harder to talk, as he rubbed her clitoris and outside her vagina, and she found herself lightly stroking the head of his penis that she had unearthed from behind his boxers. She still was hovering over him, not fully sitting in his lap, resting her weight on her knees; Mike was helping to hold her up now with his left hand, lifting her by her right ass cheek, breathing heavily with her as he fell into a similar state of wordless awe. He whimpered as she started to move her hand back and forth along his length, and she made similar sounds as he started to press fingers into the shallow end of her entrance. 

"Is... this okay?" Mike asked, suddenly coming back to his senses, looking at her in concern and clearly trying to focus on that and not the way she kept touching him. 

"Yes," El gasped, nodding eagerly, "Is... what I'm doing okay?" 

"Absolutely," Mike reassured, pulling her in to another kiss as he started moving his finger around inside of her. El groaned into his mouth and rubbed him harder, matching the speed of his finger as close as she could. Moaning together as they kept kissing furiously, Mike braved a second finger inside of her, causing her hips to gyrate against his hand of their own volition. El noticed that he bucked his own hips just a little harder when she did so, and seemed to react like lightening when she rubbed along the head more than the shaft. Mike, for his part, figured out quickly what angle inside of her made her moan the loudest, and started pressing against her rapidly, sliding in a third finger as she grew increasingly wet around him. 

"Oh, Mike, oh, oh -" El whimpered out before she could stop herself. When Mike started rubbing his thumb against her clit, she cried out wordlessly, unable to even focus on her own task as she pressed herself into his chest. 

"Does that feel good, Jane?" Mike asked softly, "Should I keep going?"

"Yes - Mike - please - yes-" El cried out, and the lights around them began to flicker rapidly. El didn't really care, though, as she was far too overwhelmed with how fantastic she currently felt. Mike rested his head on top of hers as he continued fingering her, growing more and more confident with every moment as she ground against him and moaned so loudly she could barely breathe. She would have to ask him where he learned to do this - she had, awkwardly and uncomfortably, asked Nancy for a few pieces of advice, but she was too focused on her own pleasure to come up with a possibility for his knowledge (maybe Steve? Jonathan felt too awkward). 

When a fourth finger went inside, and his thumb started rubbing faster and faster, El gave in to the pleasure-haze. She was lightly aware that her moans had probably turned into "happy screams", and she couldn't stop kissing his chest in between them, and he was going even faster, and drumming his fingers in waves that made her practically feel blind, and she felt like she was flying. Was she flying? No, she was still on top of him, but the lights had stopped flickering and started surging, and she suddenly was so overcome she could only moan against him, and, and, and - 

As El reached what she was pretty sure was the first orgasm of her life, the lights around them reached their limits and blew out - not only in their room, but in the living room, and possibly in the bathroom. The explosion matched her screams and her internal state, which went on much longer than she actually anticipated. Did she break the walkie? She hoped not as she fell on top of him, shaking and trembling with residual pleasure. 

"Holy shit, Jane," Mike whispered, kissing the top of her head, "That was..." 

"Something we're going to have to try and explain to Hopper?" El gasped out, making both of them burst into giggles. 

"I vote we try to replace as many light bulbs as we can, myself," Mike suggested, and El nodded, grinning weakly at him. 

"I love you," she declared, leaning in to kiss him. He held her face in his hands and kissed her passionately, turning her legs - already the consistency of jelly - into liquid. 

"I love you," he responded, "God, I love you. If you want to stop there, that's okay, I -" 

"Do you?" El asked in surprise, knowing he had not yet climaxed, never mind them actually going further. 

"No!" Mike said quickly, "No, I... It's taking all my self control to not keep going, but I wanted to check with you -" 

"I want to keep going," El said firmly, leaning in to kiss him, "I want to make you feel that good, too." 

Mike groaned, kissing her again, looking at her with more love than even that day they had reunited all those years ago. 

"I just - don't want t-to- do we want to - go the whole way? Or -" 

"I would like to," El said, "But if you're not ready -" 

"I'm ready," Mike said firmly, and she could tell he really meant it, "But if we're going to, then you shouldn't - try to get me there with your hand. I mean, it felt amazing, but -" 

"But?" 

"Um, I learned that girls can have more than one... orgasm," he managed to say, his face flushing bright red as though El had not just had one at his hand moments earlier, "And that it helps with... well... getting me inside, so to speak. But if I orgasm, it might be harder for me to go again." 

"Oh, okay," El said, "Then we shouldn't risk it." 

"I just don't want to... come too fast," Mike admitted. 

El knew this term for climaxing from television, but it still felt awkward to her - it was just the reverse of go, it wasn't really a sexy word, was it? But she nodded in understanding. 

"How can I help with that?" El asked. 

"I think the way we're positioned will help," Mike suggested, "I'll be... working against gravity, I think." 

"Okay, well, just keep telling me what I need to do, okay?" El urged, "I want to know, I want you to feel good." 

"Oh El," Mike said, "I already feel amazing, but yes, I will. Um, you said you have condoms in your nightstand?" 

El nodded, and Mike leaned over and fumbled around for the box in the dark, pulling it out and opening it up. El took the moment to pull down her panties as he pulled off his boxers, the two of them staring at each other fully nude in the low evening light. 

"I wish I could see you better," El admitted as Mike slid the condom over his penis, looking up at her lovingly. 

"I do too," Mike agreed, "But you're so beautiful in the moonlight, it's almost as good." 

El beamed at him, leaning in to kiss him as he pulled her hips back to hover over him. 

"Are you ready?" Mike asked, stroking her face with the tips of his fingers. 

"Yes," El responded, kissing him again, "Yes, please, Mike, please." 

It was as if that single orgasm had awakened a starving monster inside of her. She needed him, somehow even more than before, as though she was dying of thirst and he was a flowing oasis. Mike pulled her into a kiss as he helped her slide down on top of him, the pair groaning in mutual ecstasy at the feeling as she settled back into his lap. 

Yes, El was uncomfortable, but only a little - the earlier climax must have helped like Mike thought. As she shifted her weight on top of him and settled more into position, the mild discomfort gave way only to pleasure, even more overwhelming than before, not that El was complaining. Mike groaned and started thrusting into her, and as much as she wanted to see him and look at him, she was far too busy seeing stars. When she started grinding her hips again, she was amazed at how easily all of this was for her, as if each step was more natural than breathing. 

"Oh God, Jane," Mike whimpered, unable to stop himself, "I love you, oh, God -" 

"I love you," El responded, holding onto him as tightly as she could as each movement sent her into further ecstasy, "I love you, Mike, oh -" 

As they continued grinding into each other, El wrapped her legs fully around his waist and he enveloped her completely in his arms, pressing his face into her shoulder. She pressed hers into his hair, using one hand to hold tightly to it as she used the other to hold onto his back. Coherent words had given way to formless moaning, with only the occasional whispered name managing to break through the fog of pleasure. 

El couldn't stop herself as she moved faster against him, pushing her hips as hard into his as she could, willing them to somehow get even closer. Mike cried out and held onto her for dear life, his hands shaking madly against her back. His hip thrusts turned erratic, as though he were a horse trying to buck her off, but he had the exact opposite goal in mind. She pressed her hips into him as hard as she could to stay on, only able to think of what would feel good, what to do next, how much she wished to worship him with her body - 

"Fuck, El, shit, I'm -" Mike gasped out, but he didn't need to panic. The hardness of him as he climaxed, the force of it, sent her into her second orgasm, which briefly brought the lights back to life as they both, well, screamed, in unison. They road out the waves together, still moving their hips in unison, as both young lovers managed to return to a state of calm. 

El was reluctant, however, to get off. Everything in that moment felt so right she didn't want it to end. 

"Sorry," Mike whispered, and El burst into laughter at the absurdity of it. 

"Sorry? Why are you sorry, when I've never been happier in my life?" El asked, pulling back from his chest to look at him. 

"I - I'm sorry because that went too fast, I guess," Mike admitted, but he started to smile back at her, pulling her in for another kiss. 

"Wasn't too fast for me," El giggled, "You saw the lights." 

"I did," Mike agreed, looking at her lovingly, "Well, I'm glad. That was..." 

"Amazing," El whispered, and Mike nodded in agreement, leaning up to kiss her again. They kept kissing, slowly and softly, El holding Mike's face in between her hands. He wrapped his arms around her again, rubbing his fingers up and along her spine, kissing her lovingly and sweetly. After a few minutes, though, El thought - no, she knew - he was growing hard inside of her again, making Mike's earlier worries about ending things prematurely instantaneously hilarious. 

"Fuck, Mike," El said, dropping the swear for the first time in her life. Mike groaned loudly in response, pulling her into a passionate kiss as his hips started up again, the two of them returning to their humping as though they had become instant experts in the practice. Still sitting in his lap, unwilling to leave, El ground against him as hard as she could, hungry for more of him and eager to show him how much. Mike moved his hands down to her hips to hold him tightly to him, using her as an anchor as he thrust upwards harder and deeper than before. 

Now El was repeating Mike's name like a mantra, unable to stop herself as she moaned and screamed it over and over and over again. The stars behind her eyes were back, and she felt herself giggle in amazement at how wonderful, purely wonderful, everything felt. Could they do this all the time? Surely they'd get tired eventually, right? 

"God, Jane, I can't stop, I can't," Mike whimpered when she found herself unable to say his name, too overwhelmed with pleasure, "I need you, fuck, shit, you feel so amazing, I'm - I love you, I love you -" 

"I love you," El gasped back, "I can't - I can't stop, either - you feel s-so amazing - I -" 

They both fell into passionate moans again, grinding faster and harder against each other, waves of pleasure washing over them as they did so. El already wondered how it would feel in different positions, though she was already a mega-fan of this one, loving how close she felt to Mike and how comfortable she was sitting on top of him. 

How had they not been doing this before now?

Her third orgasm ever crept up on her, washing over her comfortably and almost lazily, sending her into deep and guttural moans as she clenched around him. This time, it was her turn to bring him there, the force of her explosion sending him over the edge a second time. He pulled her into a kiss, the two kissing passionately as they road out the waves, finally collapsing onto the bed in a haze of extreme pleasure. El rolled off of Mike, reluctantly, to rest her whole body over his, on the verge of falling asleep in his arms. 

When El returned to some semblance of lucidity, she looked up to see Mike holding back laughter, as though he would burst with it. 

“What? What’s so funny?” El asked before she could stop herself, reaching up to trace her fingertips along his lips. 

Mike nodded in the darkness towards the wide open bedroom door, managing to compose himself enough to say, “Well, we might not have behaved, but we definitely kept the door open three inches.” 

El and Mike looked at each other for one long second before both burst into laughter, giggling and leaning into each other with the force of the hilarity. It was as if all the tension El had been carrying her whole life was gone. She couldn't stop thinking it - it was the only thought she could possibly have - How had they not been doing this before now? 

"That was... wonderful," El murmured, "I love you." 

"I love you," Mike agreed, "The most wonderful thing we've ever done." 

El saw the light of the moon dancing across Mike's eyes, and knew that his primary question was the same as hers. When she wordlessly pulled him on top of her to kiss her again, she hoped Hopper would take his time. 

They had a lot of time to make up. 

Halloween Morning

The two teens had managed to grab “quality alone time” here and there in the intervening weeks, but nothing close to regularity. Hopper, thankfully, showed no sign whatsoever that he was aware of the change in status quo. She could tell that Nancy probably knew, and it wasn’t like she expected Mike to keep it completely to himself, so some of their fellow sixteen-year-olds possibly knew. Lucas had one of his biggest smug grins about a week after their first time, so El could only assume Mike had hinted things and Lucas was being polite about his usual "I-told-you-so" aura around their relationship. At least, though, the stress of parental knowledge had been avoided, as neither the Wheelers nor Joyce and Hopper showed any inkling of knowledge about the shift. 

Today he was supposed to stop by, but El just hadn’t been feeling well, at all. She contemplated letting him come over anyway, just to take care of her as he loved to do. But vomiting wasn’t really the most romantic activity ever, and he always got so anxious over getting the stomach flu himself. She understood, of course - vomiting sucks, and diarrhea is almost as bad - but she still wished she could rest in his arms instead of on the couch. Ah well. 

So, El decided to stay home without him, lying in bed and wondering who could possibly have given her a stomach bug. One of the other teens, no doubt, who still went to school with its Petri dish of mixed germs. 

“That’s fair, El, but I don’t know anyone who’s had the stomach flu,” Dustin said, coming over to help Hopper fix the isolation-tank-tub, which had sprung a leak the day before. 

“El hasn’t been around other people much, it’s possible -“ grunt “that one of you carried it and she got -“ grunt “Sick,” Hopper interjected, speaking between each crank of his wrench. 

“I just don’t want it to be something else,” El muttered, “Like Henry trying to make me sick.” 

“I doubt it, we don’t have evidence he can do something like that,” Dustin responded, “Do you want me to go back to the Squawk and get you some medicine?” 

“No,” El sighed, sitting up a little, “I’m feeling a bit better and I’d like some fresh air. I’ll go.” 

“Are you sure?” Hopper asked, looking up from his task, “You don’t want to make it worse, and who knows what in the tunnels -“ 

“I’m sure,” El reassured, standing up and nodding, “I want the fresh air. It’s too stuffy in here.” 

“Okay, just call in when you’re there so we know you got there safe,” Hopper grunted as he held a piece of the tub wall while Dustin hammered it back in. Clearly, they were both needed for the task, so El took off by herself and descended into the tunnels, taking the familiar route to the Squawk. 

Climbing into the hidden back room, El knocked the “code knock” on the shelf-door, waiting for someone to let her in. The door opened and Robin smiled at her, waving her on in. 

“Dustin called and said you were coming by for some medicine. The cabinet is back there, but let Hopper know you’re here first,” Robin explained rapidly, handing El a walkie. 

“At the Squawk, Over,” El said, following Robin towards a room off to the side of the radio station. 

“Okay, you might want to stay there a while, Joyce spotted some military in the woods two minutes ago. Over.” 

“Copy that, over and out,” El responded, placing the walkie down on a table as they reached the medicine cabinet. 

“I had a question for you about health supplies actually,” Robin said as El began digging for anti-nausea medicine. 

“Okay?” El asked, grabbing some calcium chews and a bottle of pink anti-nausea liquid. 

“I know your cycle can be ridiculously irregular with all your stress, but do you need more pads? You usually ask around the 18th of each month and you didn’t this time, and I didn’t want you to be caught in a period-related emergency,” Robin asked and explained rapidly. 

El almost dropped the medicine from her hands and was eternally grateful that Robin could not currently see her face. 

“Um, no, but I usually skip this time of year,” El answered, turning to face Robin with as normal of an expression as she could, “It being close to the anniversary of… everything.” 

“Right, right, I remember now from last year! Makes complete sense. Don’t you wish you could just turn it off, at least until we finish off Vecna?” Robin asked.

“I’ve never thought about it,” El admitted, “Since the only ways to really stop having periods are pregnancy and men-o-pause.”

“Ugh, pregnancy terrifies me, no thank you,” Robin declared, shuddering at the thought, “Anyways, I should get back to the booth, just make sure to close the cabinet when you’re done!” 

El nodded and put on a show of taking the chews and pouring the anti nausea liquid into a little cup, waiting until Robin was thoroughly out of sight before diving back towards the cabinet. El dug through it furiously, checking every box in the hope of finding - aha! 

Hiding the cabinet and her actions from the view of a security camera in the corner, mainly out of an abundance of caution, El pocketed the box and closed the cabinet door, making a beeline towards the station bathroom. Closing the door and locking it behind her, El pulled out the plastic stick, her hands shaking as she read the instructions on the box. 

Yes, she always skipped in late October or early November. El had always chalked it up to the trauma and moved on. 

But this year, two important things were different: 

She was sexually active 

and she was nauseous. 

As El waited for the time on her watch to move forward toward the designated finish point, El tried to remind herself that there were many other possible explanations. She was training so hard, it must have a toll on her body, one that would preclude what she feared and possibly cause her symptoms. It’s not like she had been nauseous for two weeks or anything - it started a day or two ago, and wouldn’t that be kind of late? And she and Mike always used a condom, they weren’t stupid, they didn’t want to risk anything. El just needed to check off this box to make sure it wasn’t- 

El stared at the two lines forming a plus on the pregnancy test, almost dropping it on the bathroom floor out of shock. 

No. 

No. 

Oh God, no. 

Not caring about the waste, El grabbed the second test and peed on it, hoping to everything in the universe that the first had been mistaken. She didn’t remember seeing other tests in the cabinet. People would realize they’d been used even if she tried to hide it in the trash. Did she have to replace them? No, she couldn’t worry about this now. Everyone would find out eventually anyway. 

The second wait period finished, and El was forced to stare at a second plus sign, her fears confirmed. 

El was pregnant. 

The panic in El’s mind was so blinding she thought she might take off like a gazelle. Some clarity remained, however, as she had the sense to hide the pregnancy tests and the empty box within piles of paper towels. Washing her hands and trying to not shake, El walked over to the radio station booth, closing her eyes tightly so she wouldn’t feel tempted to run away. Where would she even go? The military finding her wouldn't make any of this better. It would make it worse, because suddenly she'd be separated from Mike - 

Mike - 

El went to the walkie she had set down before and opened it, changing it to the frequency she and Mike would use for private communication. She hoped he was on it, since usually they just stuck to the main party frequency, but maybe he would have switched at some point because of her cancelling their date today? Maybe? His fear of the stomach flu, though... 

"Um, Mike, do you copy? I'm feeling a bit better and I'd like to see you, over," El said softly, trying very hard to not shake like a leaf. Robin wasn't looking at her, at least, focusing on running the radio station. She did see Steve see her, frowning a little, but she hoped it was just him being confused. 

"Hi El, I copy. Are you sure? You seemed pretty bad this morning, over," Mike responded. 

"Yeah but I haven't vomited in a few hours. It's up to you, over," El explained. 

"Maybe in a bit? I've been roped into cleaning at home, over," Mike said. 

"Yeah, that's okay. I'm at the Squawk, over," El said. 

"I'll let you know when I'm on my way. Over and out," Mike finished. 

"Over and out," El agreed, putting down the walkie and sighing to herself. A bit. How long would a bit be? How long would she have to live with this knowledge, with this fear, all by herself? 

Switching the radio frequency, El tried to steady her voice as she said, "Hopper, Dustin, it's El. Do you copy? Over." 

"Hi El, we copy, what's up? Over." 

"I'm going to stay at the Squawk for a while, I'm feeling a bit better and Robin needs help, over," El lied, hoping to everything in the universe that no one would poke holes in her story. 

"Alright, let us know when you're on the way back, over." 

"Copy that, over and out," El responded, putting down her walkie and trying to steady herself against a wall, leaning so hard into it she was surprised she hadn't slid down to the floor. Closing her eyes, El tried very hard to calm her mind, to figure out what she needed - what she wanted - to happen next, but the whirlwind would not be calmed. 

El had been treated like an animal for too much of her life - like a lab rat - but she had never this strong a sense of a need to escape, this strong of an animal instinct to run, until now. But she couldn't run from herself, or her body, or what was growing inside of her. Fighting the urge to vomit, El's mind unhelpfully produced images from her biology book - this early, it was only a ball of cells attached to her uterus, but it wouldn't stay that way for long. 

Standing in the middle of the lobby like she was trapped there, El tried to calm down her shaking by the time Steve was next to her. 

"Are you okay? El?" Steve asked softly, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

El swallowed thickly. She had to tell Mike first, she couldn't tell anyone else before him. He had to be first. She needed to know what he wanted, even if she couldn’t figure out what she wanted herself. 

“Um… no,” El answered honestly. Steve was closest to Dustin, but he had helped all of the younger teens over the years - she remembered the time Steve had driven her to Mike’s when Hopper was being irritating about it all in the spring of ‘85, and of course, since the quarantine the shelter at his house had been one of her go-to stopping places. For the boys, who had known Steve since before his “transformation”, this was weird; but to El - and, in the past, Max - it was the only version of Steve they had ever really known. 

“Do you want to talk about it? No pressure,” Steve reassured, frowning at her with that serious look he got whenever one of the kids was acting “moody”. 

“Not… not yet,” El admitted, “I need to… talk to someone else first. About it.” 

“Gotcha,” Steve acknowledged, “Well, whatever it is, it’ll be okay, okay?” 

“You don’t know that,” El whispered before she could stop herself. 

“I guess I don’t, but think about all the shit you’ve dealt with before now,” Steve pointed out, “I mean, you’ve avoided death, how many times now?” 

El laughed weakly. She was able to survive, but that didn’t mean she could keep a fragile ball of cells alive in her abdomen during who knew what came next. 

“I can’t protect everyone,” El murmured, “I haven’t been able to, not really.” 

“But you can protect some of us,” Steve reassured, “Max would be the first to tell you.” 

Max. El wished, more than anything, that she could talk to Max. Mike might be overwhelmed by worry for her - and love for their potential child - but Max wouldn’t be. Max would be nothing but practical about the entire situation, and maybe could even help her cut through the fog in her brain. 

But Max wasn’t an option. 

“How… would you drop bad news on someone?” El asked softly, “On someone you care about?” 

Steve frowned thoughtfully, “Depends on the bad news.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, if it’s end-of-the-world level bad news, I’d just say it, rip the bandaid off. But if it’s more mundane, it might be easier to sooth the blow, making it so the person knows it’s going to be okay even if it’s bad news, reassuring that you’re not freaking out too much. Somewhere in between, I don’t know. Maybe a little of both?” Steve explained, “But it really depends on the news.” 

El nodded, swallowing heavily, “What if… you can’t say it? You’re too scared to?” 

“Does this person have to know?” Steve asked. 

“Yes,” El said simply, “H- they really, really do.” 

Steve’s face was inscrutable - had he guessed? - but he responded, in a completely normal voice, “Do they have to know now?” 

“Maybe not,” El acknowledged, “It… might solve itself.” 

She felt sick to her stomach at the thought, but losing the ball of cells mid-battle would solve the problem. 

So why did she feel terrified at the prospect? 

Steve looked even more concerned at that, but continued to not ask for specifics, answering, “Then maybe wait. But it’s really up to you, and how much you want to be alone with… whatever it is.” 

They looked at each other for a minute. El wouldn’t have thought Steve knew about the change in her and Mike’s relationship, but the idea Nancy told him wasn’t impossible. The idea one of the other kids told him wasn’t impossible either. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t, tell anyone before she told Mike, and she didn’t know she was ready to tell him yet. How could she even get the words out? 

“Whatever it is, though,” Steve repeated, “You’ll be okay. You have all of us to help you, I promise.” 

“Thank you,” El murmured, hugging him before she could stop herself. Steve hugged her in return, tightening his arms around her. 

Maybe she would be okay, no matter what the outcome was. Four years ago, she had a terrible papa, a braindead mom, a gaggle of dead abusive siblings, and a lost sister. Now she had a loving adopted dad, a caring adopted mom, two adopted brothers, and so many other people - including Steve and Robin, who were like the ridiculous older cousins she never had. She wasn’t alone, she wasn’t trapped. And, as always, she had Mike. 

“I’m going to go sit on the roof for a while, but I’m feeling a little better,” El mumbled, “Thank you, Steve.” 

“Any time, kiddo,” Steve responded, ruffling her hair a little, “I’m going to go help Robin, let me know if you need anything.” 

“Okay,” El answered, before climbing up the steps to the roof of the building. 

The present

So, now El was staring out in front of her, watching the sun set, hearing the sounds of kids having fun for the spookiest day of the year. Maybe she’d actually get to go trick-or-treating some day, if… 

No, no. El couldn’t count on anything. Not even herself surviving, never mind… the cell ball. 

Biting back a sob, El gripped the edge of her sweat pant leg in her hand, needing to hold onto something, anything, to stay grounded, to stay present, to stop herself from spiralling away. 

Nancy herself had admitted she uses two forms of protection. Why did El think she could get away with one? Was it the stress? Was it the pressure, the looming threat of doom? Or did El think she couldn’t possibly get pregnant, because of everything that had happened to her? Or did she not believe they’d be able to have sex with Hopper around, and when it happened, it was so wonderful she forgot about the possibilities? Did Mike put on the condom right? Did the condom break? 

Was it all of this? Something else? 

“Hey,” Mike murmured behind her, emerging on the roof and breaking her reverie. El’s heart pounded so fast she thought it would fly away, and she felt her voice catch in her throat. 

“Hey,” El whispered, watching him sit down next to her, “Thank you for coming out here.” 

“I missed you all day,” Mike said, reaching out and stroking her cheek, “Of course I came here. I’m sorry I’m scared of the flu.” 

“Oh, I get it,” El responded, “But I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” 

“Why?” Mike asked, “Is it not the flu?” 

Did the possibility not occur to Mike, either? Was it for the same reasons as El? Different ones? 

Should she tell him? 

Could she tell him? 

“I’m not sure, I’m feeling better now though,” El answered vaguely, hoping he wouldn’t see through her, “And I missed you all day, too.” 

“Hopper’s still monopolized the house?” Mike asked, sitting next to her and wrapping his arm around her. She nestled into his arms, fighting with herself internally, terrified of the outcome of either choice. 

“Hopper and Dustin, yes,” El said, “It’s okay. They looked after me and I’ve been feeling better here on the roof.” 

“Steve and Robin seemed worried about you but didn’t say anything,” Mike continued, “Is it just ‘cause you’re sick? Or -“ 

“Must be, don’t know what else it would be,” El said, her heart flying in her chest. Did they check the trash? Find her tests? Or just see that they were absent from the cabinet? 

Did they know? 

Did they know before Mike? 

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Mike murmured, kissing the side of her head softly, “I trust you.” 

Her heart nearly stopped, probably out of guilt, for longer than she was thrilled with. By the time she managed to come back to herself, Mike hadn’t even lifted his face from her hair, as though he were trying to lose himself in it. 

“Are you okay?” El asked softly, before she could stop herself. 

The best way to ignore an impossible problem is to help someone else, especially one of the people she loved most in the world. 

“Of course I am,” Mike murmured, “I’m just… scared. Like I always am.” 

“Me too,” El admitted, “Me too.” 

“You’re going to demolish Vecna,” Mike declared, “You’re going to. I just know it.” 

El laughed quietly and weakly. 

“I hope so,” El whispered. 

"I know so," Mike insisted. 

"I wish I could know so, too," El mumbled. Mike nodded, his face moving lightly against her hair. 

“I also just… worry about how many of us will make it through,” Mike sighed, “That’s all.” 

“Me, too,” El agreed, pressing her face into his chest. He held her tightly, not saying much, just letting each other be comforted by the closeness. 

The fact that El had a new… possibility… to worry about, left unsaid. 

It was so early, according to her textbook - she remembered - the odds of miscarriage, especially at her age, and her stress level, was high. The fact she caught it at all was just a fluke. 

Unfortunately, thinking this did not actually make her feel better at the prospect. 

"But I love you," Mike continued, kissing the top of her head multiple times in quick succession, "I love you, so much, I know we can get through this. We'll get through it together. I promise." 

"I love you, so much," El mumbled, looking up at him and giving him a watery smile, "Whatever comes next, we'll be together. I promise." 

Mike nodded, thankfully seeming to understand that El wasn't in the right place for certainty, and pulled her tighter into his arms. She rested her head in the crook of his neck, letting a moment of peace overtake her. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay. 

She wished she could be certain of that, or of anything at all.