Archive of Our Own

Realistically, Jeonghan should have known something was up when Joshua insisted he needed to make an appearance at their next friends gathering.

It's not like he's a core part of the group anyway, his relevance started to fizzle out the less he started showing up. But it was difficult to come around when the possibility of seeing Seungcheol was high—he'd never make his friends choose between them, so he made it easier for everyone involved, staying back home when he'd get word that Seungcheol would be there, too.

Even now, a year and a half after their split and Jeonghan can still feel the gaping emptiness left behind. The last memory he has of Seungcheol isn't even from Seungcheol himself, but of his new girlfriend. The harsh lights of a grocery store, the calling of his name from an unfamiliar voice. It had pulled him back from the little progress he'd made, staying etched in his mind even months after with no way to move past it.

Anyway—realistically, Jeonghan should have known something was up when Joshua kept insisting that he make an appearance. He's never cared to push Jeonghan, knowing that the wound of his previous relationship was still dripping, still aching. So Jeonghan says yes because he's been working on him self, trying to be more positive and less cynical. Trying to be a better person and friend.

When he arrives at Joshua and Junhui's shared apartment, the first thing he notices is that he's not the first one. Not that he had expected to be, he's never been known for his punctuality, but it's a surprise to see someone excited to see him. Or maybe he's convinced himself that he's the one everyone has decided to point fingers at. The insecurity is plucked from him as soon as the door swings open and he's met with the precious face of his dongsaeng, Chan.

"Hyung!" he gasps with something nearing disbelief, his mouth dropping with the corners tilted up into a smile. Before Jeonghan can say hello back, he's pulled into a bone crushing hug. He doesn't remember the last time he's been hugged and for a moment he lets himself melt like a snowflake traveled too close to a flame, hugging Chan back with a sigh. "Ah, it's been so long! You were at Wonwoo hyung's birthday party, right? That was the last time we talked?"

Jeonghan is nodding as they part, a guilty smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. That was in July—five months ago. He had made a brief appearance, just enough to let them know he was still alive and drink a few beers while making conversation with Jihoon as he grilled. Seungcheol's name had been mentioned in passing, something about him being too busy to come around, and through the blurred edges of panic, Jeonghan had made an half-assed excuse, leaving within the hour. Pathetic, yes, but Jeonghan has always been a bit fragile when it comes to Choi Seungcheol. He's had Jeonghan's bleeding heart in his palms more times than he can even count, and over a year without his touch has dried it of all its courage and affection.

"Yeah," Jeonghan says after a beat too long. "I think so—July sounds right."

Chan hums, hands on Jeonghan's shoulders as his gaze wanders around Jeonghan's face, a close mouthed smile sweetly placed. "Come on," he encourages, cocking his head toward the inside, stepping aside to allow Jeonghan to step over the threshold. "It's good to see you—ah, Wonwoo hyung! Seokmin hyung! Everyone, Jeonghan is here!"

Jeonghan is met with more than one person's attention. Soon, he's crowded by his friends, all of their voices overlapping as they fill Jeonghan in on what he's missed. Seungkwan has joined a volleyball team and coaches a middle school girl's soccer team on the side. Jihoon and Mingyu arrive together in the midst of his story, fingers intertwined bearing food as gifts, guided into the kitchen by Junhui. Minghao arrives a little after, settling into the conversation after regarding Jeonghan with a pat on the back. Seokmin mentions he's started looking into local theaters shows to pass some free time. Soonyoung moved apartments, he's closer to the city now, farther from Jeonghan. But he's close to Wonwoo and Chan's apartment, only a ten minute walk.

"He keeps showing up," Chan whines from where he's leaning into Wonwoo's side. "We had to change the pass-code!"

"No, we had to change it because you forgot it," Wonwoo reminds him, earning a cackling laugh from Soonyoung and a pout from Chan.

Jeonghan is laughing at the exchange, looking down for a moment and enjoying the clattered chatter as it comes in. Guilt nips at his nose—maybe stepping back and disappearing from his friends wasn't the best choice. But they hold no resentment. They say nothing about his absence, only his presence which makes him feel better about his poor handling of it all. He'll do better. He's doing better right now.

His thoughts are startled by a careful touch to his shoulder. Joshua is standing there, a gentle curve to his eyes as he smiles. "You made it."

"I said I would," Jeonghan says, knowing what Joshua is implying. It would have been easy to make an excuse, to slip back into the shadows and get away with it once again. He showed up, and that's effort within itself.

Instead of answering, Joshua tilt his head toward the kitchen, beckoning Jeonghan to follow him just as Hansol arrives, the attention shifted toward him. It's quieter in the kitchen, the muted sound of conversation giving Jeonghan a chance to let some air in his lungs. Joshua raises an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," Jeonghan answers honestly. He sort of feels like a ghost, a spectacle. But he's trying, so that's got to mean something. No one has scolded him yet, he isn't being chased off with pitchforks like he's spent nights awake imagining. "Was—is it necessary for me to be here?"

"Don't do that," Joshua answers quickly, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms. "No one is angry at you, Jeonghan. I don't know where you got that thought from."

It wasn't a difficult thought to conjure up in the slightest. Even if he wasn't the one to cut the red string tying him and Seungcheol together, he was the one to start yanking. He frayed all the edges, was the one to start chipping at Seungcheol's melted heart until it shattered. The reality of it is that he only made things worse until the very end. Always the first to fuck up a good thing—he always told Seungcheol that he deserved better. It only makes sense that Seungcheol finally listened to him. "What are we celebrating?" he asks eventually. Jihoon's birthday passed, so did Minghao's. As much as Joshua loves to throw a good get together, it seems a bit random even for him.

"We're having Christmas together this year," Joshua says with a proud grin.

Jeonghan's eyebrows knit together, the corners of his mouth turned down. "We've barely ever celebrated—"

"I know that," Joshua huffs with the roll of his eyes. "But it's been a while since all of us have been together and I thought maybe we could celebrate together. End off the year with some good memories, you know? How it used to be."

The carefully chosen words are not missed on Jeonghan's part. He pauses, stepping back and tilting his head slightly, barely. Pieces of a fractured jigsaw start to click and… "Joshua—"

Three consecutive knocks sound and Jeonghan's head snaps back toward the sound for a moment before slowly looking at Joshua. Joshua puts a hand out, like trying to tame a startled animal into submission out of fear. "Don't freak out," he says just as the front door opens.

Seokmin is the first to yell out: "Seungcheol hyung!”

Jeonghan doesn't look back, refuses to. He stares straight at Joshua with a tremor in his chest that sends aftershocks through his limbs. "Joshua," he whispers just barely, afraid that being any louder may draw attention and remind everyone that he's here, too.

"You're gonna be okay," Joshua says quickly. "It's fine. I'm gonna go say hi—"

"No," Jeonghan hisses through gritted teeth, curling his fingers into Joshua's arm. "Don't leave me alone—"

Unfortunately, Joshua's strength is unmatched. He's gone before Jeonghan can play dirty and kick his ankle and he is left exhaling through his nose, shutting his eyes and pressing a palm into the space between his eyebrows to keep himself from collapsing. Eventually, someone is bound to find him like this. It's better if he slip through the crowd of friends, if he tucks himself into an unnoticed space until he can run out the door and forget any of this happened.

He turns the corner, takes the few steps into the open area. It shouldn't come as a surprise when his eyes fall onto Seungcheol like a habit.

He looks good, bright. Same long lashes that snowflakes love to stick to, same cranberry blush, same rosy lips. He's got a sweater on that hugs his broad shoulders and chest—he's gotten thicker, his mass nearly doubling. He was already so strong before, would leave bruises on Jeonghan's hips when fucking into him, would apologize after even though Jeonghan loved the marks in all their cool toned hues, painted with Seungcheol's devotion and desperation to love, to be loved.

His eyes find Jeonghan's as he finishes laughing at something Seokmin had said, his pushed up cheeks faltering for a moment, the edges of his smile wavering. Jeonghan is the first to blink, mouth parting in an attempt to say something from across the room, anything, but failing to as he forces himself to look away, undeserving.

Bee-lining for the bathroom is instinct, the desperate need to find confined walls to keep himself grounded. There's a window just above the toilet, maybe he can crawl out and break a few limbs and have a good excuse to go home. Then again, the crashing thud may go unnoticed, so that's not a risk he's willing to take.

The faucet creaks as he turns it, cold water running over his hands until he's splashing his face, hoping it'll do something only to find that he's only managed to make himself damp and nervous. Joshua is probably right—it's fine, it's all going to be fine. Seungcheol being here shouldn't matter in the way that it does. He exists, will continue to exist in the furthest corner of the earth. Perhaps Jeonghan should learn to deal with this.

By the time he finally wills himself out of the bathroom, he finds Seungcheol already pulled into a conversation with Jihoon and Wonwoo. He's animated as he speaks, hands gesturing and waving in the way they do when he's recounting something worth telling. Judging by the way even Jihoon tosses his head back in laughter, it's a good story. One that Seungcheol would probably burst through the door with after a long day at work, excited to tell Jeonghan first.

On second thought, Jeonghan should probably just leave. Save himself and the rest of them the trouble—there's bound to be conversation leading to Seungcheol and his relationship. Jeonghan can already feel the quick glances, the silent observing of his every feature as he wills himself not to crumble. They'd understand if he left early and explained himself at a later date.

But of course Joshua Hong has other plans for Jeonghan, like grabbing him by the arm just as he's made his escape path toward the front door. "Jeonghan-ah," he says in the way someone would gently scold a child for doing something they know better than to do. Taking a bite out of one of Santa's cookies; licking an iced over pole; unwrapping their sibling's gift. Or, in terms of Jeonghan, running away from his problems. "You should go talk to him. Really."

"I can't do this," Jeonghan tells him, whispered but blunt. There's already a tremor in his chest, threatening to spill over into the rest of his body. He can feel the same ache from over a year and a half ago—so long ago, yet not long at all. Not long enough for him to have moved on. "I really can't do this, Shua—"

"Jeonghan," Joshua says over him firmly before the corner of his mouth tilts up into a smile, eyes widening slightly. "He's single, Jeonghan."

Jeonghan blinks, looking over his own shoulder, barely catching the tail end of Seungcheol looking away and back toward where Seungkwan is speaking to him. He's single. "Since when?"

"A while, I don't know," Joshua explains. "He hasn't talked about it a lot—Seungkwan's the one that told me and you know him."

"His gossip is unethically sourced," Jeonghan points out, though he wants to believe this. He wants to believe it so badly. The last time he checked up on Seungcheol was around the new year. After that, Jeonghan stopped keeping up on social media when it started getting too sad and too consuming. He didn't want to know what Seungcheol was up to anymore, didn't want to see his life passing while Jeonghan's was at a standstill. "So, if he's the one that told you, then it doesn't mean anything—"

Joshua's words are rushed in one breath, nearly falling deaf on Jeonghan's ears: "He's heading over here."

Jeonghan's eyes widen, refusing to look back and confirm Joshua's warning. Though, he doesn't need to look for the confirmation. Behind him, Seungcheol's voice sounds, like the chime of a bell on a frostbitten morning. "Jeonghan—"

Seungkwan's booming voice interrupts him before he can get closer. "Alright! Junhui is telling me to get your attention, so everyone come here!"

"Fucking Junhui," Joshua mumbles, some guilt on his face present as soon as it leaves his mouth. "I love him but his timing—"

"Is a saving grace," Jeonghan finishes, finally able to breathe.

As requested, they gather in the living room. Jeonghan takes refuge in the corner of the sofa, mushed between the armrest and Wonwoo who offers him an apologetic smile, crossing his legs to give Jeonghan some more room as Joshua stands before them like some sort of presenter.

"I'm sure you're wondering why Junhui and I were so adamant on all of you showing up," he starts, making sure to look right at Jeonghan who rolls his eyes. He gestures to Junhui who is holding a Santa hat in each hand, stepping over where Soonyoung is sprawled on the carpet to hand one hat to Seokmin and the other to Hansol. "In these hats are all of our names—Seokmin and Hansol will randomly pull two names, and if your name gets pulled then you are in charge of planning our first Christmas party of, hopefully, many to come!"

Jihoon makes a noise. "What if we don't want to?"

Joshua stares at him. "That's not very jolly of you, Jihoon-ah."

"I think it'll be fun!" Mingyu says, leaning his head on Jihoon's shoulder to soften the scowl on his face.

"Wait," Soonyoung says, sitting up with his black hair tousled. "Are we gonna have to pay for everything if we get picked? Because it's gonna be a sad Christmas if I get chosen—I'm just being honest."

Joshua blinks slowly, his smile wavering. "We'll all be contributing to the funds and there will be a budget so it's fair. Any more questions?"

Hansol opens his mouth to speak, quickly cut off by Joshua clapping his hands together and urging the names to be chosen. Hansol's hand dives into the hat, pulling out a folded paper that he opens with his finger easily. "Umm—oh! Seungcheol."

Seokmin is right behind him, tilting his head and turning the paper right side up, glancing up at Jeonghan first and then Joshua. He turns it for everyone to make out the small letters. "Jeonghan."

The silence that falls over the room is enough for Jeonghan to create an entirely different escape plan. Run into the bathroom, jump out the window, and limp home with every ounce of broken bones and agony. That would surely be better than being a spectacle like this, than the way Seungcheol looks down at his clasped hands like he's saying a silent prayer, hoping that one of their names was misread.

"Okay!" Joshua says loudly, doing his best to come to the rescue. "Well, we can go ahead and get the budget sorted before you guys start planning."

After that' everything is muted, a distant blur as Jeonghan stares at a stain on the rug beneath his socked feet. He comes to just in time to add a wad of bills on the coffee table where the rest of the notes are piling up. Joshua takes it upon himself to organize them better, giving everyone the chance to get back to mingling. Jeonghan takes the opportunity to come up behind Joshua, pinching his arm until his mouth is gaping in pain.

"You set this up didn't you?" Jeonghan hisses into his ear, stepping back when Joshua whips around.

"It was all random!" he insists even though Jeonghan knows he's a liar, a lying liar. "You know what that means—"

"Don't say 'fate'—"

"Well," Joshua grins smugly. "Looks like you were already thinking it."

Every colorful curse word is loaded on the tip of Jeonghan's tongue, ready to fire just as he hears his name called out from behind him. Familiar, the same bells he swore he heard the first time they met.

Joshua smiles, amused expression dancing between the two of them as Seungcheol comes to stand beside Jeonghan. "I'll just go put these bills away… In a bag or something."

"Joshua," Jeonghan tries one more desperate time, sighing when Joshua pays him no mind and goes into the kitchen.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," Seungcheol apologizes, finally forcing Jeonghan to regard him.

And regard him he does. He's close, closer than he was even on the night they broke up. From this close, Jeonghan can make out his long lashes, the way they fan against his skin as he blinks. The chapped edges of his lips—he forgot his chap-stick at home, probably. That cherry flavored one that would often linger on Jeonghan's mouth, too, especially during the colder months. "You weren't," Jeonghan finally says, mouth dry. "Interrupting, I mean. You didn't interrupt anything."

Seungcheol smiles at him, close mouthed and more forced than anything. His hands are in the pockets of his jeans and he rocks on his heels. "So, do you have any idea how to plan a Christmas party?"

Jeonghan laughs just barely, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head as he looks over at where their friends are most definitely trying to act occupied with other things instead of eavesdropping. Chan is observing a picture frame of Joshua and his mom. Seungkwan is picking lint off Hansol's already clean shirt. Soonyoung is straight up staring at the ceiling. "No not at all." Silence stretches, vast between them, wedging them apart even further, but Jeonghan has always been so selfish when it comes to Seungcheol. He wants hear his voice again, has gone so long without it already. "Joshua said it's gonna be a tradition now. So we can all get together every year without excuses."

"That's nice," Seungcheol nods. "It's good to start traditions now—we're thirty, you know."

"Oh. don't remind me," Jeonghan laughs, looking down at the floor, at the scuffs on Seungcheol's otherwise clean sneakers. "We're getting old—Cheollie—ah. Seungcheol. We're getting old now." He doesn't know if he's allowed to call him Cheollie anymore, if he still holds that space.

Seungcheol doesn't seem to notice as he shrugs. "I guess responsibility comes with that."

"I guess so," Jeonghan hums, gaze flickering up to meet Seungcheol's. He's given another smile, this one more timid. Like an olive branch being offered. "It's… It's good to see you."

"Yeah," Seungcheol nods, his dimple prominent as he smiles again, this time wider. It sparks a flame in Jeonghan's chest, one that burns him from his core out, replacing all the tremors stored before. It's so familiar, so Seungcheol it nearly makes him cry. But he doesn't. Instead, he smiles back just as warmly. "You too. You cut your hair, right?"

Jeonghan's hand instinctively comes up to touch the natural brown. He hasn't dyed it, hasn't touched it much since they were together. The only thing he's done is cut it—Seungcheol always liked it long, and the more he stared in the mirror, the more it became a reminder of what he had lost. "Yeah—it was getting annoying. Thought I'd give it a break from all the color, too."

"Any color looks nice on you," Seungcheol says with a small laugh. "You could go neon orange and it'd still be cool."

"Didn't Mingyu do that once?" Jeonghan remembers suddenly, tilting his head at the memory.

Seungcheol stifles a laugh behind his hand. "Don't say it out loud, he's still trying to make us forget."

The laugh that leaves Jeonghan is sudden and genuine. He dampens his smile by tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. "Should we whisper, then?"

"Ah, they'll think we're sabotaging the party," Seungcheol points out. "But um… We should probably meet up after this, right? Get some things sorted. I'm sure expectations are low, but we can try our best to make it a memorable first Christmas together."

"No, yeah. I agree—"

"Your number," Seungcheol starts, hesitating slightly, "is it… is it the same one?"

"Yeah, I can write it down—"

"I still have it."

Jeonghan pauses, mouth parting as a breath leaves it. "Oh. Me too," he admits, accepting the olive branch, offering one of his own in return.

"Cool," Seungcheol nods politely with another one of his closed mouth smiles. "Actually, do—"

"Seungcheol hyung!" Chan calls from the kitchen, a champagne bottle in his hand, face pink from what looks like exasperation. "Can you come open this, hyung?"

"Ah, the kids," Seungcheol says with a small sigh, playful. "We'll plan more soon, yeah?"

"Yeah," Jeonghan nods, the blunt nail of his thumb digging into the skin of his palm, willing him to wake up if this is some sort of dream, some sort of daydream he's fallen into. But it's real. It's real and him and Seungcheol are talking about making plans in the near future. "Sounds good."

Just as quickly as he stepped back into Jeonghan's world, he's gone, saving the day as the champagne bottle opens beneath his touch.

That night, Jeonghan stays for a little longer.

❅

Part of Jeonghan expects no text, no call. There's always a chance that Seungcheol was doing nothing more than being cordial, trying to soften the flesh of his fist before making the blow.

In the meanwhile, Jeonghan does as he's been doing in this year and a half without Seungcheol. Work is uneventful but passes time quickly. He eats lunch with Seungkwan at a cafe across the street, and when he returns to work he spends the rest of the time finding ways to look busy while doing nothing. When he gets home, he calls his mom, talks to her for nearly two hours and after, showers and gets into a matching set of pajamas, heating up a rice packet and some leftovers and eating on his sofa while a Christmas film plays.

He already knows once the movie is over, he'll lay in bed, scrolling through apps on his phone until he's too tired to keep his eyes open. Though, that part of the night never comes. Instead, his phone vibrates beneath his thigh.

CHEOLLIE <3

Hey, it's Seungcheol.

Are you busy?

Jeonghan stares at the message, the edges of his sight smudged in somewhat disbelief. It feels like the start again—wondering if he should reply right away, if he shouldn't be so eager to speak. The more he stares, the more ridiculous it feels. There is no new start, no clean slate. They have a past, one so vivid that Jeonghan can still picture it the moment his eyes shut. The chime of Seungcheol's laughter, every note still hums in Jeonghan's ears. He knows the heat of Seungcheol's body, the way he runs warm even in the coldest of months. If he were, he'd have his legs tucked beneath himself, the hood of his jacket would hide his dark hair, and he'd be trying his best to not fall asleep. Jeonghan would tell him to get some sleep and Seungcheol would drape himself over him, tucking his face into the crook of Jeonghan's neck until they were both snoring and left to complain about the neck pain the next morning.

It takes several minutes before Jeonghan replies, mind blank.

JEONGHAN
i was getting ready for bed, sorry

what's up?

SEUNGCHEOL

I just got off work and wanted to see when you were free to start brainstorming

But if you're already settled, don't worry about it! We can figure something out.

JEONGHAN
im free tomorrow after 5

SEUNGCHEOL
That works :)

Goodnight, Jeonghan

JEONGHAN

goodnight seungcheol

❅

As much as Jeonghan desperate wants to think about something else, he finds himself stuck on the thought of Seungcheol, Seungcheol, Seungcheol. Of the reality that for the first time in a while, he'll be going home with the promise of seeing Seungcheol after. This, and the realization that they'll be alone together is enough to keep Jeonghan stuck on the nerves bundles in his stomach, sparking through his body suddenly at random moments throughout the day.

What if Seungcheol can see right through him, can see that he's still irrecoverably in love? That he hasn't had the luck of moving on, that he knows he'll never love someone as much as he loved Seungcheol. Even Seungcheol managed to get his life moving after their break up, even if it was short-lived. He made an effort to put the past behind him while Jeonghan looks forward to dreams of memories he wishes he could live in.

Staring at his reflection doesn't make the thoughts any less rampant. If anything, it feels worse staring at himself, dressed in a grey cardigan and black pants with his hands fixing the hair draped over his forehead. He drops his touch with a huff, insecure and embarrassed at the amount of effort he's putting into his appearance and switching over to a more simple sweater. He should get going soon, there's no point in dwelling on something as trivial as how he looks, especially if it won't do him any good.

They meet up at an in between point, one where there are Christmas lights decorating the streets, hot chocolate being sold at a nearby stand where people line up with visible breaths as they chat away while they wait.

Jeonghan spots Seungcheol first, nestled on the other side of the small crowd gathered. He has his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, every edge of him softened and comfortable. The ends of his hair is still damp, like he had just taken a shower before coming.

He notices Jeonghan in the midst of his admiration, his brown eyes widening until even his lips mimic the joy. He raises a hand, waving Jeonghan over even as he's making his way through.

They meet somewhere halfway, Jeonghan letting out a small laugh when they nearly crash into each other, stopping just as the tip of their shoes meet on the grey pavement.

They speak over one another in attempted greetings, pausing before laughing again until Seungcheol takes the lead. "It's busier than I thought."

"Yeah," Jeonghan agrees as he looks around, realizing that they're in the middle, being dodged by people trying to get through. "We should probably move."

Seungcheol is the first to start moving, Jeonghan falling into step with him seamlessly as they walk. "There's a holiday shop around here," Seungcheol says, pointing in the distance. "It's new but I've heard decent things. We could check that out, see if we get any ideas."

Jeonghan nods wordlessly, unsure if he would have any ideas even with inspiration. Right now, his mind is simultaneously blank and running through every thought he's ever had in his life. Their shoulder bump as they walk, every brush of their clothing makes Jeonghan question if he should step aside a bit, give some distance. Then again, Seungcheol could do the same, but he hasn't. Either that means something or Jeonghan is seeing things that are not there. Finding hope in all the places he burned it in the first place.

Nevertheless, Seungcheol is oblivious of Jeonghan's dilemma—that's a fact. He leads them to the shop he was speaking of, holds the door open for not only Jeonghan but to the two elderly women that come after them and earns enough cooing about his manners to paint a delicate and berry blush in his cheeks, ducking his head as Jeonghan raises an amused brow. Though, it's not much a surprise—people are drawn to Seungcheol, that's the way it's always been.

He follows Seungcheol's gaze up and over to the vast decorations around them. The only lighting is from Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling and the endless display of different bulbs, showcasing their inventory. There's paper stars hanging too, paper links in greens, reds, and pinks. Christmas cards on a rotating display, wreaths decorating the high spaces on the walls, packages of ornaments and trees occupying their respected sections. It's grand in a way only Christmas can be, foreign yet fascinating as they each take it in, weaving in and out the aisles in silence.

"What if we get a cabin," Seungcheol suggests, pulling Jeonghan's attention away from the incandescent lights flickering above.

"A cabin?" Jeonghan repeats, taken aback by the sudden suggestion.

"In the woods."

"Ha," Jeonghan deadpans through a huff. "Isn't that Soonyoung's nightmare?"

The corner of Seungcheol's mouth tilts up, his dimple staring back at Jeonghan. Familiar and sweet. "Exactly. It wouldn't hurt to have some fun with it."

Jeonghan blinks, mouth parting as Seungcheol continues looking around at the decorations. It was never in Seungcheol's nature to tease their friends like this, to have a bit of a laugh. That was Jeonghan's game, something he always thought Seungcheol found more annoying rather than endearing. Not that he ever said or implied it, but Jeonghan has always had the tendency to think of ways he wasn't good enough for Seungcheol. Too immature, too childish. Too unserious. "If you're serious, we can look at cabins tonight."

"I'm serious," Seungcheol answers with that mischievous smile still on his face.

The corner of Jeonghan's mouth flickers up, a breathy laugh fluttering out of his lungs like a snowflake determined to stick to Seungcheol's skin. "I'm gonna tell Soonyoung it was your idea, not mine."

"Like he'll believe you," Seungcheol teases, making Jeonghan laugh properly, hand coming out to swat at Seungcheol who dodges it with experience.

It's easy to relax, to settle in Seungcheol's presence like this. The aching splinter of love, of longing, only throbs dully when Jeonghan is in the presence of Seungcheol's voice and laughter. Soon, they're checking out with a good amount of lights they decide would be nice to hang up in the cabin if they're able to go through with it.

Outside, Jeonghan is reluctant to part ways, desperate for more conversations, for more laughter between the two. He's speaking before he can think it through. "There's this place that has great beef nearby if you're free. I haven't eaten since lunch, so." He waits, looking up toward a flickering streetlight, afraid to see if Seungcheol's expression shifts.

"Ah," Seungcheol says with a sharp inhale, one that gives Jeonghan an answer rather quickly. The splinter in his side twists as he forces himself to look, met with Seungcheol's creased brows and pressed lips. "I have an early morning tomorrow, so I can't. I'm sorry—"

"Yeah, no. That—you should get some sleep," Jeonghan nods, already taking a step back to keep himself from doing something stupid.

Seungcheol sighs, shaking his head as he steps forward, lessening the gap between them, trying to do damage control, to smooth out all the jagged edges of glass Jeonghan has left behind. "Jeonghan—"

"It's okay," Jeonghan says over him, smiling the best he can even with the shame pooling in his gut. "I should go."

"Let's meet up again, yeah?" Seungcheol tries, ducking his head down just enough to meet Jeonghan's stubborn and wavering gaze. "We can book the cabin."

Jeonghan nods but doesn't trust himself to say anything other than goodbye. He leaves without looking back.

❅

It's both a relief and the root of all his stress that he doesn't hear from Seungcheol in the following days.

There's room to breathe like this, enough space to let his lungs fill with air unlike the clumsy way they constrict beneath the softness Seungcheol's eyes always hold. But he misses the stutter of his inhales, the effect Seungcheol has on him even if he's always so blissfully unaware. At times, he would catch it, plush lips tilting into one of his sweet smiles with his dimple on display, all for Jeonghan's viewing. He would tilt his head, make sure he's meeting Jeonghan's eye as he would say: am I making you nervous, Hannie? And Jeonghan would blush with a laugh punched out of his stomach, would wait for the way Seungcheol would tilt his chin up with the tips of his fingers, lean in to warm him with a kiss like a fire nestled in his chest. It's all he can think about even now.

"Jeonghan-ah." Jeonghan blinks, turning his head to look at the source of the voice. Joshua is on the other end of Seungkwan's nice sofa, the rim of a wine glass pressed to his bottom lip as he raises a brow. "You there? We've been talking to you."

Jeonghan turns the other way to regard Seungkwan who is nodding as a testament to Joshua's statement. "Yeah," Jeonghan says after a moment, shaking his head slightly like that will get his brain back on track. "Sorry I was just—what was the question?"

"We were asking how planning was going," Seungkwan tells him, tossing back a handful of popcorn. "Any progress so far?"

"Oh, um…" Jeonghan presses his lips together in thought, going back to that night he and Seungcheol met up. If he's being completly honest, his prorities were not focused on the whole planning aspect. "We have… We have concepts?"

"Concepts," Joshua repeats blandly. "What kind of concepts?"

Jeonghan tries his best. "Like… ideas."

"Yes, we know what concepts are, hyung," Seungkwan huffs with an eyeroll. "But do you have anything planned yet? Like, genuinely."

"We're thinking a cabin," Jeonghan remembers after a few seconds. "It was Seungcheol's idea, actually."

"Oh, Soonyoung hyung is gonna kill you," Seungkwan points out giddily.

Jeonghan grins, even more amused knowing that if Seungcheol were here, he'd be the same. "Isn't that fun, though?"

Instead of praising the idea, Joshua asks: "What else? What are we gonna eat?"

"Oh, um. Food definitely." He knows that for sure.

Joshua doesn't let up. "Alright. Drinks?"

"Alcohol."

"Decorations—?"

"Christmas lights," Jeonghan says confidently with a nod as he leans back into the sofa. He knows that, too. They actually did buy lights.

"God," Seungkwan says this time, blinking at Jeonghan before huffing. "You hyungs are useless."

"Yeah, well it's a little hard to plan anything when im trying to act normal around Seungcheol," Jeonghan shoots back defensively, earning two less than impressed looks that he has been on the receiving end of too often. Though, they're less sympathetic this time around. When he and Seungcheol broke up, he thought he would never stop being on the end of the sadness in their eyes, the way they would talk to him like he was something fragile because in a way, he was. Could barely stomach meals, could barely look anyone in the eyes. Now, he sort of wishes they'd offer him even an inch of that sympathy instead of staring at him like he's an idiot.

"Oh, come on," Joshua groans after downing the rest of his wine. "You've never acted normal around him, why start now?"

Jeonghan clamps his mouth shut. "It's different now."

"It is," Joshua says. "It's different."

"Yeah?" Jeonghan says slowly, the word drawn out as Joshua. "It's different. So what?"

"So," Joshua shrugs. "What if it works this time around?"

Jeonghan's eyebrows furrow. "What if what works?"

"You and Seungcheol hyung," Seungkwan says gently. "What if you guys work out this time around?"

What if. Jeonghan doesn't want to put all his hope in what ifs, he's done that too much already, has broken his own heart more times than he can count. He says nothing, choosing to turn his attention back to the cheesy Hallmark film Seungkwan put on for some background noise, and hoping that his friends give him some of their past sympathy and drop it. Luckily, they do, but it doesn't keep the what if in Jeonghan's mind stop chiming like a carol.

When he goes home, he walks in the coldness of the early December air. There's Christmas lights decorating some shops, couples bundled in scarves walking together, a wreath hanging crookedly on the door of a dermatologist office.

The main floor of his apartment complex is empty when he arrives. There's a Christmas song playing low on the speakers, accompanying him as he grabs his mail and heads to the elevator. He's distracted walking down the hallway toward his door, skimming through his mail until something stops him in his tracks.

"Cheol—Seungcheol?"

Seungcheol whips his head around, like he hadn't expected to see Jeonghan at all despite being here. From the looks of it, he had been lingering, here for who knows how long. Barely coming off of work—a sweater beneath his coat, slacks on, tennis shoes that definitely are more casual than anything but he's always been able to get away with things because of his charm. Hair flattened by the stale office air and dust, lips slightly cracked on the inner seam, like he hasn't had a chance to put on the chap-stick he always carries around in his front pocket.

"Oh, Jeonghan," he says, mouth still opened in the silence that comes after, words trying to find him as Jeonghan regards him with carefully raised brows, waiting for him to continue. "I, um. I thought you were inside. I knocked but…"

"I was at Seungkwan's and Hansol's," Jeonghan explains, still shocked to see Seungcheol standing there, searching for him. Finding him.

"I can just go," Seungcheol says quickly. "I know you're probably tired—"

"No, come in," Jeonghan says over him, shuffling past to punch in the code to his door, uncaring if Seungcheol sees because it hasn't changed. It's still Seungcheol's birthday, he could never bring himself to change it, found comfort in the muscle memory.

Seungcheol complies with a jerky nod, following Jeonghan inside and hovering as the door is locked again. He doesn't move, not until Jeonghan begins to kick his own shoes off, leaving him to do the same. Jeonghan opens the small closet in the entryway where he keeps spare slippers stored. He doesn't have to tell Seungcheol that his pair is still tucked into the furthest corner. Seungcheol reaches for them like a habit.

"Make yourself comfortable," Jeonghan tells him with the flippant wave of his hand just before going into the kitchen to stuff his mail in the already cluttered space of his junk drawer. "I'll grab us some drinks."

All that is available is some water bottles and a diet soda Jeonghan was meant to have with his dinner a few nights ago but forgot. He grabs it too, hurrying back into the living room where Seungcheol is looking at the photos Jeonghan has on the wall of him and Seungkwan from a few months ago—a gag photoshoot they did after Seungkwan got a four-for-one deal in some raffle at work. The other two large frames are hung up in Hansol and Seungkwan's apartment, Seungcheol has surely seen them, too.

"Did you eat?" Seungcheol asks suddenly, turning away from the photos, hands in the pockets of his trousers, coat abandoned and draped over the sofa, the sleeves of his shirt pushed up his forearms. Jeonghan looks away, placing the drinks on the coffee table.

"Not much," Jeonghan admits. The truth is he had been too busy defending himself from Joshua and Seungkwan's pestering to snack on the treats Seungkwan had out for them. "Did you?"

"No, I—um. I came straight here from work," Seungcheol says with a small laugh. "I'm starving—I can order in for us if you want?"

Because Jeonghan is selfish, wants Seungcheol to stay as long as possible, he agrees easily. "Yeah, that works. Thanks."

Seungcheol is already taking his phone out of his pocket, sitting on the sofa, leaning back and raising the device in the air, high enough for him to tilt his head against the back of the sofa, hair fanned beneath the crown of his head. Comfortable, familiar. "The usual?" he asks, a thick brow raises as he turns his head to regard Jeonghan.

Jeonghan pauses, chest aching, a plethora of memories rushing forward at the sight, the words. If he closes his eyes, he can pretend nothing has changed. He settles for a nod, not trusting his voice. In the silence of Seungcheol ordering, Jeonghan takes the opportunity to grab his laptop from his bedroom, setting it on the coffee table so the opened screen is visible. "We should probably try being productive," he says, filling a bit stupid right after the words stumble past his tongue. What else would Seungcheol be doing here if not to be productive?

Seungcheol gracefully slides off the sofa, sitting beside Jeonghan, knees knocking together as he takes over, fingers quickly pressing the keys. "I've been looking at some cabins that aren't too far—let me put them in different tabs."

When Seungcheol's done, he sits back, watching Jeonghan carefully as he locks in on the prices first and foremost. "Whoa—this isn't in our budget."

Seungcheol's eyebrows shoot up. "Ah. I didn't think you'd notice."

Jeonghan knows what he means. He used to be so carefree, even if recklessness often accompanied him. Never thinking of the consequence, only of the reward. Always the first one to say yes to a bad decision if it meant having some fun—both a great and terrible thing when it came to planning trips. Between him and Seungcheol, thins tended to go to shit rather quickly, but they were happy with the story that would come out of it. Recently, Jeonghan has been listening to his subconscious more, making sure to think things through because he's only ever fucked things up for himself. He's determined not to do that anymore. "I've gotten better at noticing, I think," Jeonghan says with what he hopes is a playful smile.

"I'll be paying for it," Seungcheol says easily after a moment of scanning Jeonghan's features carefully. When Jeonghan opens his mouth to protest, he keeps going. "I have a lot saved up—I haven't really been spending much lately but this will be fun, It'll be worth it."

Jeonghan presses his lips together, knowing he shouldn't push. "If you're sure."

"Aish, I'm sure," Seungcheol scolds teasingly, leaning over to bump their shoulders together. "We want the kids to have fun, right?"

Jeonghan looks away, not trusting himself to hold Seungcheol's gaze like this without kissing him. It's too familiar. "What other cabins did you look at?" Seungcheol doesn't try to backtrack. Instead, he continues showing Jeonghan the rest of the options. Eventually, one sticks out. He likes the look of a smaller one, simple, not overly compensating. There are a lot of trees in the area, and if they're lucky, it'll snow in the days leading up to the trip. It's not too far to ask everyone to drive to—he can already imagine the uproar a long trip would cause. "This one is nice."

"Five rooms," Seungcheol points out. "We could split up by age—"

Jeonghan shakes his head, the future arguments already playing out in his mind as well. "Shua will kill us if he's not roomed with Junhui. Seungkwan will skin us if he's not with Hansol but might be okay if he's at least with Mingyu— but I think only Mingyu and Jihoon, and Chan and Wonwoo would be fine with being split up."

"We could draw names," Seungcheol suggests, head tilted. "That way it's fair."

Jeonghan hums, propping his chin on his hand. "I'm sure we can make it work."

Seungcheol is already shifting to get his wallet from his back pocket. "I'll go ahead and book it."

Luckily, the chime of Seungcheol's phone tells them that the food has arrived. Jeonghan is up before Seungcheol can offer to grab it, brushing him off when he asks Jeonghan is he's sure. By the time he returns, Seungcheol has booked the cabin, shutting the laptop as Jeonghan gets everything set out on the coffee table like they used to do. In realization, he pauses, unsure if maybe they should eat at the table instead, but Seungcheol is moving the laptop aside, taking the containers out without question. Jeonghan chooses not to think of it too much as he folds his legs beneath him to take the space beside Seungcheol.

The silence stretches for several minutes, far from the comfortable one Jeonghan is used to when it comes to Seungcheol. Though, it makes sense in a way. The silence used to be comforting for more reasons than one; they talked about everything and anything, nothing left unsaid between the two, no questions lingering in the back of either of their minds. Right now, that's far from the truth. There are too many things left unsaid, too many things that Jeonghan wants to bring up.

"I, um. I booked the cabin for three night, by the way."

Jeonghan turns to look at him, confusion etched on his features. "We only needed it for two, though."

"I thought we could get there a day early and decorate," Seungcheol explains. "That way we're not scrambling the day before, like we normally would when we'd have them come over."

Jeonghan can't help but admit that it's a good idea. Even being the eldest in their friend group, they never quite the whole concept of responsibility down, even as they got older. "That's a good idea," he says eventually. Then, with the corner of his mouth tilted up in amusement. "You know, Seungkwan and Joshua have no faith in us."

Seungcheol barks out a laugh, chin tilted down as he shakes his head." "I wanna be offended but I don't blame them."

"Did you think of what we'd do for food?" Jeonghan asks, remembering the interrogation he went through only a few hours ago.

"We can grill and stuff. Have some ramyun, like when we were younger. Make a big pot and some side dishes—that should be enough."

"Decorations," Jeonghan lists. "Any ideas?"

"Well," Seungcheol says, exhaling with the puff of his cheeks. "We got lights, right?"

Jeonghan's mouth twitches up into an amused smile. They really are useless. "Yeah but what else? I feel like we should put some more effort."

"Oh!" Seungcheol gasps after a second, eyes widening in delight. "Minghao got me into crafting at the beginning of the year, I know how to make paper lanterns, stars, and chain links. I could make some and bring them so we can hang them from the ceiling."

"That'd work," Jeonghan agrees, already picturing how it'll look when it's all put together.

"Well. What are you contributing, Jeonghan?" Seungcheol asks, leaning back against the sofa with a playful smile. His dimple is staring back at Jeonghan and if he stares long enough, it's like he can see their past unfolding in front of him.

"I will bring my jolly presence," Jeonghan says as proudly as he can muster, ignoring the twinge in his chest.

It makes Seungcheol laugh which is worth the blush that sparks on Jeonghan's cheeks. His laughter dies, a smile still on his face as he looks at Jeonghan softly. "Have you taken up any hobbies?"

It's a random question, one that almost trips him up, but Jeonghan rolls with it. "No, not really. Ah, actually—Seungkwan got me into pilates. And I've been going running with Seokmin sometimes too."

Seungcheol's eyebrows shoot up. "Pilates? You?"

"Right?" Jeonghan says back with a breathy laugh, picking at the cold noodles on the tray. "I really didn't think I was cut out for it, but it's not so bad once you get over the whole shaking like a baby deer thing. It's nice, I don't have that shoulder pain anymore."

"That's good," Seungcheol says, voice quieter than before. He's looking down at the food, glancing at Jeonghan for a brief moment, his close mouthed smile fleeting before he continues. "It always bothered you."

"It was annoying," Jeonghan nods. There were so many times he'd want to do something fun—try a new sport, join Seungcheol at the gym, crochet—only for the nearly debilitating ache in his shoulder to stump him. "But I've, um… I've been taking care of myself more."

Seungcheol is fully staring at him now, eyes dancing across Jeonghan's face in a way that's unreadable. "You seem happier."

Jeonghan blinks, mouth parting and closing for a moment before he nods. "I am, yeah."

Whatever Seungcheol is going to say is cut off by a yawn that punches out of his mouth. From this close, Jeonghan can see the darkness under his eyes, the redness at the edges when he opens them, the exhaustion bleeding into his features. "Go home, Seungcheol-ah," Jeonghan whispers, nudging his shoulder barely.

Seungcheol gives him a small smile. "I should help you clean—"

"Don't worry about it. Really," Jeonghan assures him. "Go get some sleep."

Seungcheol is grateful, gathering his stuff languidly. He turns just before he disappears into the entryway as Jeonghan is placing all the trash into the plastic takeout bag. "I'll get started on those crafts—I promise."

"I trust you," Jeonghan chuckles, getting one last glimpse of Seungcheol's smile before he leaves.

❅
SANTA'S 13 ELVES!

SEUNGCHEOL

Welcome to our official Christmas group chat! Jeonghan and I are happy to be in charge of running the first of many Christmas parties in our future. I will be linking the address to the cabin we will be hosting it at where we'll be serving food, drinks, and a lot of fun. Five rooms, first come first serve. We will all be sharing with someone, don't be dicks about it. If you have any questions please feel free to contact Jeonghan or myself! We're excited for the holiday to come :)

JEONGHAN

u forgot the date lol

next saturday, please show up. if u don't u have to reimburse us

HANSOL

[Reply to SEUNGCHEOL] lol corporate ass message

[Reply to JEONGHAN] thx hyung

SEUNGCHEOL

no thank you to ME?

WONWOO

We'll be there!

MINGHAO
sounds good! can't wait!

SEUNGKWAN

??? the room thing ???

JOSHUA

junhui and i are rooming together. we're not open to thirds

JUNHUI

₍^. .^₎⟆

SOONYOUNG
awwwww i wanna be a thirdddd :(

CHAN

this is christmas hell i hate this family

MINGYU

How fun! Thank you hyungs for planning <3

SEOKMIN

what if i have to sleep outside… what if no one wants me…

JEONGHAN

no seokmin don't worry! we'll make chan sleep oustide <3

CHAN

[Reply to JEONGHAN] ???

wonwoo defend my honor what the fuck

JIHOON

we'll be there. thanks.

SOONYOUNG

wait… cabin??

like a real cabin or pretend hahahaha

guys answer me

please answer me

❅

The date creeps closer and their conversations fizzle out as they dive into their tasks.

As much as Jeonghan wants to know if Seungcheol is tackling his tasks accordingly, it doesn't feel right if he's continuously asking how it's going. For every text he thinks of sending, he pours the energy into making sure he's focusing on himself and his own never ending to-do list. So, he gives Seungcheol space, goes shopping for the groceries a couple of nights before, has bags of tinsel, wreaths, lights in his living room with no place to put them, and contemplates the clutter in the days leading up to the night before they're set to leave.

He doesn't expect a call at all, let alone from Seungcheol, forcing him to stop staring at the mess in distaste.

Seungcheol is speaking before Jeonghan can even question why he's calling. "Are you driving or am I driving?"

"Ah, Jeonghan sighs, having forgotten that transportation was something he would have to think about as well. Truly, driving has never been his favorite thing to do. He's better in the passenger seat, staring out the window, cranking the AC or heater up to the max and knocking out the best he can even though he gets car sick quite easily. But he can't ask Seungcheol to take the burden, at least not so bluntly. "Well—"

Seungcheol laughs as if reading his mind. "I get it, I'll drive. I'll pick you up at eight?"

"That works," Jeonghan says, hiding his smile even though he's alone. "Thank you."

"Of course. See you soon."

With that, the line cuts. Jeonghan sighs, tossing his phone on the sofa and forced to regard the disaster before him.

❅

Morning comes after a fitful sleep with nerves nestled in the pit of Jeonghan's stomach. The only bright side is Jeonghan is packed early for the first time in a while, having done it at midnight when he couldn't will himself to get into bed. At the very least, he isn't scrambling. However it leaves him with more time than he knows what to do with, so he's forced to wait and wait and wait for Seungcheol's text that he's on his way.

When he arrives, he's at Jeonghan's front door instead of waiting in the car like Jeonghan half expected him to. Though, it's a bit silly to think that he would have done that in the first place—Seungcheol is nothing if not well-mannered.

The door swings open, revealing Seungcheol in his tired state. Still soft at all the edges, but with an added puffiness beneath his eyes and a dusty blush on his nose and cheeks, warning Jeonghan of the coldness waiting for him outside. His brown hair is hidden beneath a black and white beanie, covering the tips of his ears that are most likely pink, too. "Oh, you're ready."

Jeonghan makes a face. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing!" Seungcheol says quickly, hands out in front of himself like that'll do something. "I just came early because I thought you'd still be packing—"

"I've been ready to go for almost an hour," Jeonghan tells him somewhat proudly. He's gotten better at time management, that's for sure. "I made a checklist and everything. All we need to do is get everything into the car, I think."

With that, Seungcheol kicks into action, already picking the bags and boxes of decorations up and starting the trip back down to the car. Jeonghan follows with full arms, and after several back and forth trips, Seungcheol is shutting the trunk with a proud hum.

"We actually planned decently," he says.

Jeonghan leans against the car, raising an eyebrow at him. "Why are you so surprised?"

Seungcheol's shrug is clumsy, lips pouted as he talks. "Because we've always been shit at this kind of stuff."

Jeonghan can't help but laugh, knowing there's definitely truth to that. "Well, people change.

Seungcheol smiles at him. "Yeah, that's true."

There's a heavy pause before Jeonghan nods slowly, gesturing over his shoulder toward the passenger door. "We should get going. Get a head start on everything, you know?"

Seungcheol agrees with a nod of his own, unlocking the doors with the click of his key-fob.

Admittedly, the drive starts awkward, a subtle tension hanging in the air between them. Jeonghan does his best to stare out the window, but finds his eyes drifting toward Seungcheol's side profile, only pulled away from his trance when Seungcheol catches him. Eventually, Seungcheol pulls his phone out at a stop sign, using the opportunity of no cars behind them to connect his phone to the speakers and begin playing music.

It's a holiday playlist, one that Jeonghan knows was created by some stranger on a streaming up and saved for convenience. But Seungcheol enjoys it enough to hum along to a song here and there. Above all, it's amusing to watch as he tries to sing along loudly, only to trail off because he doesn't know the lyrics too well. Jeonghan only laughs when Seungcheol does, letting himself slot this moment into his head for nights when his loneliness is amplified and he needs something to reminisce on.

The further they drive, the colder it gets. The heater is turned on to the max setting, but even then Jeonghan's fingers are frigid, tucked beneath his thighs until he falls asleep with his head leaning against the window.

He wakes up some time later as the car rolls over the uneven terrain, coated in snow. Jeonghan's eyes flutter open, met with the sight of snow blanketing everything in sight. He straightens up, a long breath entering his lungs until it slips into a yawn as Seungcheol parks in front of the cabin. They're both stepping out of the car simultaneously. The snow crunches as they meet in front of the hood, staring up into the grey sky and the snow fluttering down.

Jeonghan turns for a moment and finds Seungcheol doing the same, the snowflakes settling on his eyelashes, making themselves at home. When Seungcheol looks at him it breaks the ice coating Jeonghan's heart and he finds himself smiling, mimicked by Seungcheol soon after.

Seungcheol's smile softens, blinking as he reaches over, now closer to Jeonghan. "Oh, you have something…" his thumb brushes across Jeonghan's cheek. "Snowflakes," he says like that explains it. Maybe it does—maybe Jeonghan is seeing things that aren't there.

"Thanks," he manages to say through the prickle in his throat, the word seemingly lost in the flurry as Seungcheol busies himself with getting things out of the trunk.

Jeonghan follows wordlessly, blending into the background as Seungcheol leads them towards the cabin, punches in the code with one hand, and opens the door revealing the interior.

It's a nice cabin, the pictures barely doing it justice compared to the sight of it in real life. It's small but spacious in all the right placed, especially in the kitchen and main area. Jeonghan's head is tilted back, taking in the vaulted ceilings, the walls made from what looks like wooden logs. There's a lot of space to fill with their decorations, and he already knows they'll be busy for most of the day.

They work in tandem to complete their first and most important task: putting the groceries away. It's easy to let the silence settle like this, both of them focused on making use of the limited space in the fridge and freezer. By some miracle, everything fits, even if it's just barely. As much as Jeonghan wants to take a break, he knows it's better if they dive head first into everything so they have nothing to worry about tomorrow when their friends are set to arrive.

There isn't much conversation until Seungcheol is pulling all of the things he crafted out of a large tote bag, the colorful papers, chain links, starts, and snowflakes taking up the space of the dining table.

"Wah, you're good at this," Jeonghan says, fingers brushing over the creases in the stars. "Why'd you start crafting? I never expected you to get into something like this."

Seungcheol hesitates, for a moment, eyes refusing to meet Jeonghan's. He clears his throat, opens his mouth around empty words for a few seconds before eventually speaking. "I was going through a hard time and Minghao said it'd be a good outlet. I ended up liking it a lot, so, yeah. It's pretty therapeutic."

"Ah," Jeonghan says but doesn't push it anymore. It's not his place to be prying, not anymore.

The silence envelops them once again, this time with added tension as they take turns standing on chairs and taping things to the ceiling. It starts to come together slowly but surely, the reds and greens and whites touching nearly empty space above along with the warm Christmas lights draped from wall to wall.

The small details matter, at least that's what Jeonghan has told himself, bringing him on his toes, trying to fix some tape above the window to be even with the other side. It's a surprise when Seungcheol comes up behind him, holds his hip with one hand and slots himself against Jeonghan, helping him fix it with the other hand. It's so sudden, so unnecessary that Jeonghan freezes as snowflakes flutter in his stomach, a blizzard threatening to come out of his mouth as his breath stutters. He takes the chance to look over his shoulder, eyes flickering from Seungcheol's mouth up to his eyes, their noses brushing at the proximity.

The moment is broken by Jeonghan's phone noisily vibrating on the island, forcing him to tear himself away from Seungcheol. It's Seungkwan calling, his name taking up the screen as Jeonghan forces air back into his lungs. "Um—Seungkwan is—he's calling—"

"I'll take care of the rest," Seungcheol says casually, completely unbothered and unaffected. Jeonghan envies him a bit in this moment. That must be what moving on looks like.

Jeonghan presses his lips together, breathing out his nose before taking the call, walking away from where Seungcheol is and toward the nearest room. He shuts the door carefully, phone to his ear. "Seungkwan-ah. Everything okay?"

"Hyung—are you home? I wanted to drop off some lights I found at the store that are pretty," Seungkwan says quickly. From the sounds coming from the background, he's on his way home from work, probably wedged between several people on the subway.

"Ah, I'm at the cabin right now," Jeonghan informs him. "But you can just bring them—"

"Eh? You're at the cabin? I thought you said Saturday?" Seungkwan says over him, words coming out rushed.

"We came early to decorate, it's still on Saturday don't worry."

There's a pause, a rustle of some sort, and then Seungkwan's voice slow and careful. "So you're alone with Seungcheol hyung? Is that what you're saying?'

"Oh, don't start—"

"What are you guys doing?" Seungkwan asks in a hushed tone, somewhat scandalized by the sound of it.

"We're just decorating," Jeonghan groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's it. Really. Nothing's happening!"

"The way your voice keeps getting high tells me that that's not the case."

"It unfortunately is," Jeonghan says a little exasperated at the situation he's found himself in. Desperately in love with his ex who has long moved on, forced into proximity with him for the sake of a stupid Christmas tradition Joshua wants to start. Reminded of everything he had but lost. "Listen, I don't know, okay? I don't know what's going on, but it's… I can't let myself be hopeful. He broke up with me, Seungkwan. I fucked it all up—he doesn't want me. Not anymore."

Seungkwan's sigh is heavy through the phone, his tone gentle and slightly sympathetic. "Hyung, it's been over a year—"

"And that's nothing compared to how long we were together," Jeonghan tells him bluntly. "That's not enough time for him to think that I'm any better than I used to be."

"What if he does?"

"And how would you know?

"I don't," Seungkwan says truthfully, "but you could ask him. Talk to him."

This time it's Jeonghan sighing. "Seungkwan—"

"Jeonghan, come on," Seungkwan pushes. "You're both so stubborn."

"I have to go," Jeonghan says before Seungkwan can continue. It's best if he's not in his head, especially when it's only him and Seungcheol here. "See you tomorrow, Seungkwannie. Bring the lights."

He hangs up before Seungkwan can chastise him for cutting the conversation short. When he gets back Seungcheol is messing with one of the chain links still draped over the table. He doesn't look up, so Jeonghan chooses to keep to himself and continue decorating, unwilling to open up whatever is waiting to arise.

By the time the sun is kissing the edge of the horizon, they've got everything set up. It looks like something out of a movie; the glowing lights seem to twinkle against the walls, above them like stars if they tilt their heads back. The crafts are placed between and the chain links overlapping the lights at some points, allowing the yellowness to glow from within. Part of Jeonghan is ready to turn in for the night, turning to let Seungcheol know only for the words to die on his tongue when he finds Seungcheol already looking at him.

"I brought some hot chocolate packs," Seungcheol says suddenly, skin practically glowing beneath the lighting. "If you're up for it, the company would be nice."

Jeonghan finds himself nodding before the offer is even made. "Yeah, I'd like that."

He stands in the kitchen with Seungcheol as Seungcheol boils a pot of milk, setting two mugs out beside the stove as he keeps a careful eye on the liquid to make sure it doesn't froth and spill over. From there, Seungcheol is quick to start spit-firing old stories, past memories that make them laugh just as much as it did back then. "Do you remember when Soonyoung tried making a boiled egg in Mingyu's microwave?"

"Oh my god," Jeonghan manages to wheeze through his laughter, burying his face in his hands to keep himself from laughing until his ribs ache. When he gets some composure, he reemerges, cheeks tinted pink just like Seungcheol's. "The thing is, he didn't try—he actually did it! Poking it with a fork, that was his mistake. God, I can still smell it…"

"That thing exploded," Seungcheol giggles, careful as he pours the hot milk into the bugs already equipped with the hot chocolate mix and marshmallows. "Mingyu was cleaning egg off the ceiling for days. I'm pretty sure Soonyoung got second degree burns, right?"

"He milked that for months," Jeonghan reminds him. Seungcheol hands him one of the mugs, moving to stand beside Jeonghan, both of them leaning against the counter, taking careful sips so as to not burn themselves. It's good—creamy, not too chocolatey. He hums, taking another drink and appreciating the way it slightly singes his throat, enough to warm him from the inside out. "This is good, thank you."

"I'm surprised I didn't fuck it up," Seungcheol says with a bashful chuckle. "Could've been another story to tell in a year. Seungcheol burned the cabin down."

"We still have two days," Jeonghan teases, earning a bump to his shoulder that makes him laugh again.

The silence settles as Seungcheol pauses, looking over at Jeonghan. He places his mug down, turns his body until his chest is againt Jeonghan's shoulder, reaching out a hand and using his thumb to wipe at the corner of Jeonghan's mouth. The remains of melted marshmallow stick onto the pad of his thumb, suddenly gone as Seungcheol licks it off.

Naturally, Jeonghan's eyes crack the movements, fall onto Seungcheol's plush mouth before looking away, placing his cup down, ready to make an excuse about heading to bed, but finding his words lost as Seungcheol shifts, a hand coming to rest on the counter right behind Jeonghan's lower back.

"Am I making you nervous, Hannie?" he asks, so familiar that Jeonghan's knees nearly buckle.

"You—ah," Jeonghan says with a small laugh, looking down. "You always make me nervous. You know that."

"But do I still make you nervous?" Seungcheol asks, voice quieter than before.

He's closer now, the two of them having naturally gravitated toward each other. It's muscle memory, leaning into Seungcheol's warmth, falling into his side. Their noses brush as Jeonghan's chest rises and falls, eyes flickering from Seungcheol's down to his mouth, watching as his tongue darts out for a fleeting moment to moisten his lips. The pull is slow, time stretched thin as they lean in closer and closer and closer until their lips are touching just barely. Seungcheol is the one to tilt his chin, pressing his lips to Jeonghan's firmly, his hand flat on Jeonghan's lower back to bring him in.

It both fills Jeonghan's lungs with air as well as sucks it all dry, leaving him nearly panicked but not enough to tear himself away. It’s been too long he’s dreamed of this moment—and the selfish seed in the pit of his stomach flourishes, breaks through all the cracks in his ribs and takes over the voice in his head telling him to turn his head, to save himself the pain.

But Seungcheol is skilled at many things and making Jeonghan fall apart has always been on the top of that list.

It’s easy to tilt his head back, to beckon Seungcheol for more, and Seungcheol knows exactly what it is that Jeonghan is asking for without any words exchanged. His lips are hot against the corner of Jeonghan's mouth, leaving wet kisses down his jaw, toward his neck, teeth grazing over the skin until the pressure grows. He's got Jeonghan's skin between his teeth, just enough pain for Jeonghan's knees to buckle, for his erection to start thickening inside of his sweatpants.

Maybe Seungcheol can sense Jeonghan's urgency, the distant thought trying to push forward: we shouldn't be doing this. He's quick to erase it, slotting his free hand between the waistband and Jeonghan's bare skin. There's a pause, one that gives Jeonghan enough time to let the words whip out of his mouth, to wrench himself from this situation.

The thing is, Jeonghan wouldn't rather be anywhere else. "Cheollie," he moans, hand on Seungcheol's wrist to urge him further, to pull him closer.

Seungcheol presses his forehead against Jeonghan's temple, a whimper leaving his pink mouth just before he complies. His hand is warm, wrapping around Jeonghan with skilled movements. Jeonghan melts beneath his touch, fingers gripping Seungcheol's muscled bicep with every breath and moan fluttering out of his mouth.

Another habit yet to die down—Seungcheol had memorized Jeonghan's body before Jeonghan could even do it himself. Every twist of his hand, every tug is calculated, getting Jeonghan off like his touch never wavered for even a second in their time apart.

His thumb presses just beneath the leaking head, rubbing at the sensitive skin as he jerks Jeonghan quicker, his mouth slotting against

Jeonghan's, licking into his mouth with heat and desperation. Jeonghan's free hand is curled at Seungcheol's nape, tugging the dark hair as he comes onto Seungcheol's fist and the fabric of his sweatpants.

Reality crashes into him quickly, and before he can think to do anything else, he turns his head, making Seungcheol's mouth fall against the corner of his lips instead.

'Sorry," Seungcheol says, his breath hot on Jeonghan's skin, cheats heaving. "I'm sorry."

Jeonghan pushes off the counter, chest rattling until he's bee lining for the nearest room, half wondering if Seungcheol will follow or not. He has his answer when he shuts the door and there's no one there to stop the loneliness that saturates him again.

❅

There's no snowfall throughout the night or into the morning.

Jeonghan watches the window through his waves of consciousness, refusing to step foot outside of the room until he knows the others have arrived.

Every though that rushes through his head is muddled, clumsy. He knows they shouldn't have kissed, shouldn't have let it get so far even if it's what he wanted. Seungcheol probably could read him, see what he was hoping for in the moment, and he's always been one to do his best to patch things even if they're past fixing. Jeonghan's patheticness probably made him feel cornered, the want in his eyes made him feel trapped, like he owed Jeonghan this at the very least. One last thing to hold onto—one last memory etched into every heated part of his skin.

Because the reality of it is this: there's no way he would want Jeonghan again, not when Jeonghan left their relationship tainted, stained with nothing but a mess he plucked out of thin air and his own insecurity and realization that Seungcheol deserved better, and he couldn't be that for him.

As much as he thinks, his thoughts get him nowhere productive. The group chat buzzed with texts—their friends are on their way and despite Jeonghan's need to spiral, he has things to do, to host. He pulls himself from the bed, sneaking into the bathroom after making sure Seungcheol is nowhere in sight and cranking the water up until it's steaming.

By the time he gets out and has a turtleneck hiding the cranberry toned mark just beneath his jaw, Jihoon and Mingyu are entering through the front door, backpacks on their shoulders and a shared duffle bag that Jihoon holds while Mingyu wields two paper bags. Seungcheol is holding onto the doorknob still, waiting for them to kick their shoes off before he closes it, choosing to lean against the wall with his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. Already showered, having been up for longer than Jeonghan if the alertness on his face and movements is any indication. Jeonghan still feels groggy, like he's dragging.

"We brought breakfast!" Mingyu announces, looking around before dropping his arms. "Where's everyone?"

"First ones," Jeonghan tells them. "You didn't have to bring breakfast—we got the food. Your job is to enjoy yourselves."

"We wanted to reward you guys!" Mingyu says brightly. "Because you worked so hard—”

"And because we had no faith in you two," Jihoon says bluntly, a grin playing at the corner of his mouth when Jeonghan gapes at him.

Seungcheol's voice comes from behind Jihoon with a chuckle. "Yeah, I don't blame you guys."

Jeonghan tries not to look, instead putting all his attention on helping Mingyu set things the food at the long dining table. Luckily, the others begin to arrive shortly after that, taking the First-Come-First-Serve room situation seriously. Junhui and Joshua barrel through the doors and into the nearest room, staking their claim even though it's where Seungcheol had been sleeping the night before.

Mingyu and Jihoon are nice enough to let him room with them in the next room. Seungkwan rushes in only minutes later, his we call this room! and stealing Jeonghan's room, barely audible as Hansol walks in after holding all of their things. Wonwoo and Chan are calmer, excited that they actually get a room to themselves until Minghao arrives and unknowingly deposits his stuff in that same room. Seokmin and Soonyoung arrive together, taking the last room and kindly accepting Jeonghan into their duo.

As much as he knows it's all in his head, it's like every glance from his friends lingers. Staring into the deepest part of him until they can see the memory burning Jeonghan's mind, unfolding right in front of their eyes. Seungcheol sucking at his skin, breaching the waistband of his sweatpants with a wandering hand. The way Jeonghan spilled onto the skin with a gasping moan, head tossed back toward the vaulted ceilings and every Christmas light shining down on them.

He shifts uncomfortably when Joshua narrows his eyes, following Jeonghan into the kitchen as he gets a glass of water. He says nothing as his finger hooks into the turtleneck, pulling it down. Jeonghan has the nerve to at least be bashful.

"Wah," Joshua grins, eyebrows raising. "Ho, ho, ho."

Jeonghan slaps his hand away, eyes darting toward the dining table to make sure no one is paying attention. "Enough," he hisses. "I don't need any one else seeing."

"I'm assuming you two patched things up, then." When Jeonghan says nothing, turns his head toward the half-empty cup of water, Joshua gasps. "What? How did you not work things out? How did you get that without fixing things?"

"Because I'm still a fucking idiot," Jeonghan nearly snaps, having to take a breath to remind himself that the main person at fault here is himself. "He had a lapse in judgment, I think. Probably felt bad having to pretend he didn't notice me looking at him all the time, I don't know."

"There's no way you think that," Joshua says quietly, eyebrows furrowed as he looks at Jeonghan, blinking when he realizing that Jeonghan absolutely does think that. "Jeonghan-ah—Seungcheol is an adult. He doesn't have to do things just because he thinks someone wants him to."

"Drop it," Jeonghan tries desperately, wanting to forget about it for now. There's nowhere for him to go, nowhere to run even if he wanted to. He's tired of running anyway. All he can do now is move forward. "Please. I want to have a good time here."

Joshua drops it, but not before tightening his mouth distastefully to let Jeonghan know that while he'll stop pushing, he won't let it go so easily. It's better than nothing, Jeonghan thinks as he goes back to the dining table to join the rest.

"It's really a cabin, isn't it?" Soonyoung laughs slowly as he scratches his head, body turning every which way as he joins them at the table to eat. "Wow. We're like alone. Like that movie—”

"Cabin in the Woods," Hansol nods with a hum, mouth full of food.

Soonyoung drops his arm and swallows. For a moment, it looks like he might start crying. "Why would you say that?"

From there, it's loud as they all try to get settled after eating, many arguments breaking out in nearly every corner of the cabin. Jeonghan does his best to steer clear, but finds himself watching the chaos plays out as Minghao points out that Chan obviously doesn't want him in the same room.

Chan's mouth is wide open, eyes nearly bulging out of his head. "It's fine! I don't even care!"

Seungkwan snorts loudly, looking at Chan up and down with every ounce of judgment his body can muster. "You sound like you care."

"Yah!" Chan yells, swinging at Seungkwan from across the room. "You just want me to sleep outside!"

Jeonghan watches in amusement when Seungkwan pretends like Chan actually got a hit in, prompting a mime-like fight that makes everyone start cackling. He looks up in time to find Seungcheol smiling at him instead of the scene in front of them. Jeonghan returns it, the memory of the night before hitting him like a freight train. Seungcheol's mouth on his is still fresh in his mind, the warmth of his hand wrapped around Jeonghan still lingering, tearing open the somewhat mended wound. He doesn't have to search his memory for what it felt like—he remembers it all too well.

The day passes quickly and when everyone is settled down with their rooms, it's unanimously agreed to enjoy the snow blanketing every inch of outside. Jeonghan bundles in his layers, pulls on a beanie and gloves and the snow boots he bought years ago and forgot about until planning for the trip. He's one of the last ones to make his way outside, already finding Mingyu and Seokmin building snowmen while Chan and Soonyoung search for pebbles and twigs for details. Jeonghan plants himself on the ground, building a mound that doesn't look like much of anything other than clumps of snow mashed together. Once it has eyes, a nose made from a wet leaf, and a mouth, it's sort of cute in a sad way.

As he's tilting his head to the side to see if maybe the angle will make it look better, Junhui is calling from afar: "Guys! There's a huge hill over here!"

With that, they're all scrambling to rush over, delighted to find that Junhui brought a couple of cheap, plastic sleds in hopes of finding a decent area to use them in. The thirteen of them are lined up, taking turns in pairs of two per sled to rush down the hill that gets better traction the more they abuse it. It isn't until Jeonghan is at the front of the line when he realizes there's an empty space in front of Seungcheol, waiting to be occupied.

Before he can talk himself out of it, Joshua is shoving him from behind, giving him a stern look. "Just get on the sled," he hisses quiet enough to not draw attention.

Jeonghan presses his lips together, trying to find a way to weasel himself out of this only to come up short. He can do a small sled ride with Seungcheol. It's not the end of the world.

As Jeonghan approaches the sled, Seungcheol straightens up. "Front or back?"

"Front is fine," Jeonghan says quickly, ignoring the innuendo that may lie there and plopping himself down in position, holding onto the sides. He can feel the weight of Seungcheol on his back, can feel his warmth even through all the layers. If he leans back just to savor it for a few more seconds, no one has to know.

The bliss is short lived, fleeting. Somehow, their sled topples over in the midst of its rush downhill. Jeonghan squawks as he rolls down the hill, crashing into Seungcheol's cackling body right as they come to an abrupt stop. Jeonghan catches his breath through his laughter, the air barely filling his lungs as he opens his eyes and finds Seungcheol halfway on top of him.

Snowflakes are stuck to his lashes as his eyes flutter open, meeting Jeonghan's instantly. There's a pause, silence that stretches as his eyes dance between Jeonghan's, his pink mouth smelling of cherries like the chap stick he seemingly applied right before this. Jeonghan swallows, mouth opening to say something unknown.

"Hello." Soonyoung's shadow covers them, his face staring down from above, the blueish, grey sky draped behind him as he does so. "You weren't about to kiss, right? Because if you were, I'm gonna feel like shit.

Jeonghan is quick to sit up, knocking Seungcheol off as well as the snow coating their bodies. "Nope," Jeonghan says simply, standing to brush the rest of the snow off his his pants and coat. "We should have a snowball fight. Losing team has to clean up dinner."

He doesn't spare a look at Seungcheol as the excitement begins to swell, too terrified of what he may find.

From there, it's a blur of snowballs flying, of sabotage and alliances and friendships tested. There are forts built in several spaces, Jeonghan hiding behind the biggest one in hopes of catching his breath. He can hear Seungcheol in the distance taunting Seungkwan and tackling him if the yelp from Seungkwan is any indication. If Jeonghan were braver, he'd coax Seungcheol into their own alliance. They've always worked better together, as a team.

The thought is forgotten just as quickly as it plants itself in his mind. Eventually, he's too tired to do anything, insisting that he is genuinely forfeiting for the sake of going inside to start cooking ramyun for dinner. The sun is already setting, painting the sky in all its cool and warm tones. Jeonghan watches it from the window of the kitchen, boiling water and opening packet after packet of noodles until the amount of food he's making seems excessive.

What he doesn't expect if for the front door to swing open, for Seungcheol to toe his boots off, hang up his coat and layers, and join him in the kitchen. He doesn't say a word, doesn't regard Jeonghan with a look or smile or anything of the sort. Instead, the takes the thawed meat out of the fridge, cuts it into thin slices and cooks it over the stove.

Jeonghan can't help but steal glances, wondering if Seungcheol is going to be the first one to bite the bullet, the first one to bring the kiss and other thing up. Would he apologize again? Would he call it a mistake, say that it was a lapse in judgment? Maybe it felt like the right thing to do, like something Jeonghan seemed like he was waiting for. Maybe it was easy to fall into each other because habits never die so easily. Muscle memory, the brain trying to fall back into routine. Even if it meant something to Jeonghan, it could have meant nothing to Seungcheol. Maybe he expected something in return—ah, no. Even if Jeonghan wants to pretend like that's the case, he knows better. Seungcheol had never asked that of him. But, the facts are still splayed out in front of Jeonghan—Seungcheol moved on at one point. Jeonghan hasn't held a space in his heart for a long time.

Soon, the rest of them come in with dragging feet and exhausted features, shedding their layers by the front door and perking up when they smell the food being made.

Of course, Soonyoung is the one to blurt: "Is it me or are the vibes weird in there?" He's silenced only a second later when Jihoon elbows him in the rib, earning a thankful look from Jeonghan.

It's Hansol that suggests turning on a Christmas movie while they eat, and eventually they take their bowls into the living room area, crammed on the sectional as well as spaces on the floor while they eat enough food and snacks to feed a small village. When the alcohol makes an appearance, it only takes another hour before they start to trickle away into the comfort of their respected rooms.

Somehow, Jeonghan and Seungcheol are the last ones to clean up. While Jeonghan could argue that he didn't lose the snowball battle and technically Jihoon, Mingyu, Hansol, Wonwoo, and Chan should be the ones cleaning up, he uses the opportunity to stay in Seungcheol's orbit, to try and at least say something.

"Um," Jeonghan starts, clearing his throat as he wipes the table down. "Thank you for helping me cook and stuff. You didn't have to."

"I have to make myself useful," Seungcheol says after a moment, tossing napkins and half-eaten food into the trash. He doesn't look up, not even as Jeonghan continues to stare at him.

"We're okay, right?" Jeonghan finds himself asking, shifting from foot to foot nervously. "The—the other night. We can put that behind us, yeah? It's… I don't want you feeling uncomfortable."

He watches Seungcheol pause, the way his mouth tightens for a moment, how his eyebrows crease. "I wasn't uncomfortable," he says so quietly Jeonghan barely hears him. "But, sure. If that's what you want, we can forget about it."

"Okay," Jeonghan nods. The blizzard in his head and chest isn't tamed at all. If anything, it feels the same. Why does it feel the same?

Not trusting himself to continue the conversation, Jeonghan sets his focus on cleaning and getting back to his room. He's walking away, nearly at his door when he hears Seungcheol speak, this time louder. "I didn't mean it."

Jeonghan turns, confusion coating his face. Seungcheol stands at the other end of the hall. "What?"

"When I said I was sorry," Seungcheol clarifies, taking a few steps back toward the room he's sharing. "I didn't mean it. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to touch you."

With that, he's turning the knob and disappearing into the opened door. It shuts quickly, leaving Jeonghan even more confused than before.

❅

Between Soonyoung's snoring and him waking up in a state of panic and paranoia every few hours, Seokmin's constant need to shift around whilst sleeping, and Seungcheol's words echoing in his head, Jeonghan gets no sleep.

The smell of food is what pulls him out of the room, willing him to shower and wash up before joining the others who are awake. Though, it's like he's floating through the day in a trance, barely in tune with any of the conversations fluttering around. He knows he's being spoken to, speaks back easily but without any real memory of what he said. All he can focus on is Seungcheol, which is ironic considering the fact that Jeonghan can't even look at him.

It's not a good idea, but it's the only idea Jeonghan has. So, he sticks to Joshua and Seungkwan, ignores their curious looks because the last thing he wants to do is explain himself and be filled with nothing but false hope. The day drags and Jeonghan keeps himself busy, only allowing himself a glance at Seungcheol when he's outside chopping wood for the fire.

When the sun finally sets, the flames lick at the logs piled together. There's enough seating for the thirteen of them to huddle around, marshmallows pierced to the end of sticks Junhui found in the surrounding areas and cleaned off. Joshua has his guitar, plucking the notes to Baby, It's Cold Outside which soon turns into Seokmin and Seungkwan duetting rather impressively, sparking something of a talent show. The more they drink, the more ridiculous it becomes as Soonyoung recites Macbeth from heart and, according to Wonwoo, miraculously getting it down word for word.

As if sensing Jeonghan's desperate need to not be alone, Jihoon pats Jeonghan's shoulder on his way inside. "We're gonna get the fire going inside. Maybe put on another movie."

Jeonghan nods, hurrying to join the rest of them inside before he can be the odd one out. Admittedly, it is a lot warmer, but his hands are still frigid, still unwilling to soak up any of the heat offered from the small fire place. He gets up, heading toward the kitchen to heat up some hot chocolate less for drinking and more for wrapping his hands around a warm mug. Though, his plan is forgotten when Seungcheol is standing beside the fridge, raising an eyebrow and flicking his eyes toward where Jeonghan is rubbing his hands together desperately.

"Cold?"

Jeonghan nods with a small chuckle, swallowing past his trembling chest. "Always."

"You've always ran cold," Seungcheol says in something of a whisper, taking the few steps to meet Jeonghan. He reaches down, grabbing Jeonghan's hands between his own. Then, he blows hot air on Jeonghan's cold skin, and like another habit yet to die out, places a kiss to his warming skin. As if realizing his mistake, his eyes widen. "Um—"

"I'm gonna go back outside," Jeonghan says quickly, throwing him a bone. Habits, stupid fucking habits. "The fire—it's probably warmer there than here." It's a poor excuse but no one follows him out as he rushes to put boots on. It starts to feel even more ridiculous when he finds that the fire is already dying out, forcing him to toss a couple more logs in before plopping himself down on one of the double seats surrounding it. On the bright side, this fire is a lot warmer.

He should have known Seungcheol would follow him out eventually. Still, the crunching of the snow nearing startles him for a fleeting moment. His gaze never wavers though, staring into the flames, shifting when Seungcheol occupies the empty space beside him.

"We should talk," Seungcheol says first.

Jeonghan doesn't argue. They should talk. Should address the elephant that's been haunting the room for weeks now. It's tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself. "I thought you moved on for the longest time."

Seungcheol lets out a breath, obviously not having expected that to kickstart this conversation. "It was complicated—"

"You had a girlfriend," Jeonghan continues, unwilling to look at Seungcheol yet. Not brave enough to see what expressions are etched on his features. "I was… I went through your social media. Saw the pictures of her and just… You loved her. You said it, I saw it. Even then, I couldn't let you go. I wondered if you still thought of me at all, but knew that it was stupid. You moved on without thinking. I should've done the same. That's what I kept thinking."

"I wanted to love her," Seungcheol tells him. "I did, but I knew that I couldn't—it wasn't the same. She broke up with me," he continues quietly, fidgeting with his hands. "Right after new years. She just… She was honest. Told me that my heart was somewhere else, still in someone's back pocket. I don't know how she knew, but she knew. It was never going to work out."

Jeonghan inhales sharply in realization. "I, um. I saw her at the store once, right after new years" he starts carefully, waiting for Seungcheol to stop him or walk away, to realize where this is going. He doesn't. Instead, he blinks, eyes drawn to Jeonghan. "I was getting eggs and she said, um… She said you talked about me."

"She did," Seungcheol says. It's not a question, not quite a statement either. It teeters between the two, like he simultaneously believes it and doesn't.

"I didn't know what that could mean," Jeonghan admits. The fire crackles, drenching them in its orange and yellow hues. "I knew what I wanted it to mean but—but there was no way for me to know for sure."

Seungcheol is quiet for a moment. When he does speak, his voice is quiet against the snow around. "It meant that I was still in love with you. That I'm still in love with you right now."

Jeonghan's chest burns, sparked by the ember of hope. "Seungcheol—"

"She broke up with me because she knew that. She was right—everything was always about you. I was selfish, I thought that maybe I could find what we had in someone else, find all the love I have for you in someone else but, it was only ever you, Jeonghan. It's always been you."

"You broke up with me," Jeonghan says shakily, voice cracking. "You had every right to. You had good reason—"

"I thought it was what you wanted," Seungcheol says over him, his hushed tone nearly failing him as his eyes flicker back to Jeonghan. "I was scared. I thought maybe I was too much, maybe you were too scared to do it yourself. I mean—Hannie, you… You were pulling away, I thought that I…"

"I told you it wasn't you. You did everything right, you always did. I was the one who fucked everything up. I'm—" Jeonghan pauses, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "I'm still scared of fucking it up again."

"You won't," Seungcheol says so surely that Jeonghan almost believes him.

"How do you know that?"

"Because… Because we're trying now, aren't we?" Seungcheol ducks his head, hands gentle as moves Jeonghan's hands away from his face. "That's the difference, Jeonghan. I'm here, I'm not giving up. You're here, you're not running away." It's true. This is already a new start in a way. Even terrified, Jeonghan is grounded, unwilling to tear the mending string between them. He wants this more than anything, wants to let himself have it again. Seungcheol reaches over, threading his fingers through Jeonghan's. His eyes are soft, honey coated. Filled with all the love Jeonghan has always been so lucky to be on the receiving end of. "Let's try again. Let's get it right this time."

"Seungcheol," Jeonghan tries despite himself, "I don't want you to regret this. I don't want to disappoint you again."

"I've never regretted a single moment with you," Seungcheol tells him so genuinely Jeonghan knows it's the truth, can see it, can hear it, can feel it. "And you've never disappointed me, Hannie. Never."

"I broke your heart—"

"And I broke yours," Seungcheol points out with something of a smile. "I'd say we're tied. Let's keep it that way. No one upping me this time, yeah?"

It makes Jeonghan let out a wet laugh, shaking his head as he stares at Seungcheol in disbelief and fondness. "You're so stubborn."

Seungcheol shrugs impishly. "Or maybe I know what I want. Do you?"

Jeonghan pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, tries to keep the smile from splitting on his face. He's never been so sure of anything. "I do. What now, then?" He needs Seungcheol to say it. Needs it to come true like a wish whispered toward the north star.

"Now, we get it right."

When Seungcheol kisses him, Jeonghan is already half way there. Muscle memory, every familiar motion, movement coming back to him like it had never left. He parts his lips the way he knows Seungcheol appreciates, allows him to lick between the seams to run his tongue over Jeonghan's, coaxing a sigh out of his mouth. It's easy to melt into Seungcheol, reminiscent of every snowflake that has stuck to his skin.

Jeonghan is the first to part from the kiss, his natural instincts kicking in and proven right when his eyes dart over Seungcheol's shoulder only to find everyone crammed together in front of the kitchen window, staring at them like they're some sort of spectacle. "Looks like we don't have to do any explaining."

Seungcheol's eyebrows knit together until Jeonghan tilts his chin toward the window, following his gaze with a huff of laughter when they all scramble to get out of frame. "Yah—they're so annoying."

"Maybe they'll let us room together," Jeonghan whispers, catching Seungcheol's full attention again and basking in it. "We'll need the space, won't we? Pick up where we left off?"

"Mm, probably," Seungcheol nods with a grin that ignites a spark in Jeonghan's spine. This time, he'll let himself bask in the beauty of Seungcheol's hands on him again. Seungcheol reaches up to hold Jeonghan's face tenderly, his thumb pressing against Jeonghan's lip, forcing his mouth open just barely for enough access to kiss him, teetering the edge of sloppy and private.

In the distance, the front door to the cabin opens with a creak and Chan's voice yells: "Aye! I don't see a mistletoe out there—cut it out!"

Seungcheol pulls away, craning his head to get a look before he's smiling, dimple and all. His mischievous grin is aimed at Jeonghan soon enough, already roping him into his bullshit, like things never wavered between them in the first place. "I'm pretty sure I saw a mistletoe or two inside. Should we make use of them?"

Jeonghan sees his past, his present, and his future—all drenched in the colors of Choi Seungcheol.

The answer is simple and evergreen. "I think we should."