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Jaekwan wasn’t sure why, but he found himself… attached, for lack of a better word.
It wasn’t like there were labels to describe the way that Choi just popped up one day in his Sophomore year sociology class and decided that he was going to become a permanent fixture in his life, apparently. Maybe Jaekwan should have realized his sunbae’s intentions when Choi popped a kiss on him which somehow spiraled into an ongoing and persistent intimate relationship. Though Jaekwan didn’t remember formally agreeing to any of this, he found himself sharing dates and beds with his sunbae several times a week. Even more often, Choi would be babbling away about plans for the upcoming break or weekend plans together.
That being said, Jaekwan didn’t exactly… mind. Choi didn’t get in the way of his studies as a law major, and they were pretty compatible socially and physically. He didn’t have a strong reason to object to it.
All things considered, Jaekwan was now confronted with the issue of his uncompleted military service. Even before enrolling in university, Jaekwan had always intended to serve right after graduation—which was now a mere month away—but he hadn’t factored in his relationship with Choi when he’d made those plans.
Chewing the tip of his pen, Jaekwan stared unseeingly at his notebook as his professor’s lecture flowed in through one ear and out the other. Though Jaekwan should be busy wrapping up his affairs before leaving for the military, he was busy worrying about how Choi was going to take it. Usually, that guy was pretty even-keeled and hard to fluster, but he was also unpredictable—especially when it came to Jaekwan. For some reason, he became surprisingly childish which honestly shattered his initial impression of Choi as a dependable senior.
In the end, Jaekwan was debating between two possibilities: either Choi makes a huge fuss over Jaekwan leaving, or he would just grin and cleanly cut things off between them in that easygoing way of his. Jaekwan wondered if it was a bad thing that he legitimately couldn’t decide which was more likely.
He readjusted his cap in a habitual, restless motion that he’d been doing all class over this single question. Sure, they’d gone out for food and rolled around in the sheets more times than Jaekwan could count, but there was no evidence to suggest it wasn’t just a college fling. Choi was pretty affectionate, but it wasn’t like they’d ever discussed their post-college plans in depth. There was a vague understanding that they’d still be in touch, but it wasn’t like Choi ever came out and asked him if they should start dating or move in together. If they’d gone this long without clarifying something like that, wasn’t it obvious it wasn’t anything serious…?
Jaekwan rubbed his brow. Putting aside the fact of their unclear relationship status, Jaekwan had no idea whether their relationship was strong enough to survive two years of military service. Since he knew Choi had a string of long and short-term partners in the past, Jaekwan didn’t know if Choi would want to wait for him. Though his sunbae loved to spout his usual nonsense about Jaekwan’s good qualities, waiting two years for Jaekwan required an entirely different level of commitment.
All Jaekwan knew was that he was leaving for the military in a month, and he still had to break it to his situationship. He’d been thinking it over for weeks now and still had no idea how to go about it. If he told Choi, and his sunbae made a big deal about why Jaekwan would keep it from him for so long, then he’d be dealing with that on top of his hectic post-graduation and pre-military service schedule.
But if he told Choi, and their relationship terminated right then and there….
Jaekwan held his forehead in his hands. Damn it. Why did he have to stress so much about such a carefree, silly guy? Choi landed a secure position as a government bureaucrat, but he’d practically been coasting the whole time—just as he had all the way through college. In fact, that guy was probably thinking of how to rope Jaekwan into having pork belly and soju with him tonight instead of stressing about his new job responsibilities.
In contrast, Jaekwan had been like this for weeks. It got to the point where Choi noticed how preoccupied he’d become, and now Jaekwan had to dodge Choi’s invitations to hang out until he figured out this situation. He glanced at his phone, where another text message from Choi plinked through, no doubt propositioning him to go out today.
Seriously, this guy.
In the middle of Jaekwan’s agonizing, his classmates rose from their seats, packing up and filing out at the end of their class which Jaekwan had missed in all his useless worrying. He was so sick of this that he was approaching the point where he was debating dropping the news by text and blocking Choi until he felt ready to hear his response. It was childish, but Jaekwan hadn’t had a relationship before—if this could be labeled as such—and least of all with someone like Choi who was several times more experienced than him. Even so, Jaekwan didn’t want to do something so immature even if he was quite at a loss for this whole situation. He wanted to deal with this properly… as soon as he figured out how.
His phone kept buzzing with more texts, characteristic of Choi’s usual habit of bombarding him with messages, but Jaekwan just silenced and pocketed it as he left class to head back to his apartment. Choi had been getting crafty lately in his bids to treat Jaekwan to this or that using his new corporate salary, but a ruthless line of questioning about what was on Jaekwan’s mind was no doubt in order if he went.
In the late springtime, the sun was unusually oppressive today, forcing Jaekwan’s eyes to the ground as he made his way off campus and onto the busy main street. As he approached the crosswalk, Jaekwan used that time to decide how he was going to get out of dinner tonight with Choi. Thankfully, he usually bought the excuse that Jaekwan was busy studying and packing, but that sort of thing would only work once or twice on a guy as needlessly perceptive as Choi. Surely, he was going to wise up soon and do something drastic—
“Jaekwan-ah!”
Frozen to the spot, Jaekwan hesitated to turn around and visually confirm that Choi had come all the way here—suit and lanyard and all—from his job fifteen minutes away. His blazer was draped over one arm, and the first two buttons of his shirt had been freed. Choi sported a grin menacingly bright smile that rivalled the sun directly overhead. All Jaekwan could manage was, “Sunbae.”
“Sunbae? I graduated already; I’m Choi-yah to you now. Hyung would also be nice.” He stopped right in front of Jaekwan, his cologne wafting right off of him along with the scent of fresh sweat as if he ran to track Jaekwan down. If Choi was this determined to trap him into lunch, no doubt a conversation Jaewkan wasn’t prepared for would follow quickly. “Come on. I got half an hour left for my lunch break.”
“Ah.” Jaekwan pulled his cap a few degrees lower, this tactic even less effective at shutting out the bright beams from Choi’s grin than from the actual sun. “I ate with some of my classmates just now. Sorry.”
“Oh? I didn’t know you had any close friends in your legal studies class.” Choi checked his watch. “Your class must’ve let out pretty early, too, if you were having lunch at this time.”
He could be so unnecessarily thorough. Jaekwan awkwardly responded, “Yes… so I can’t come out for lunch with you. I’ll walk with you to a convenience store if you like, but I can’t—”
“Can’t stay for long since you’re tied up studying?" Choi finished for him, crossing his arms and tilting his head.
Jaekwan paused, unsure how to gauge Choi’s mood or how to proceed from here. Clumsily, he affirmed, “That’s right. Maybe—”
“Maybe some other time?” Choi’s hollow gaze lifted to the skies, but he continued, “Can’t do dinner tonight—busy packing. Can’t come over—club meeting. Tomorrow’s not good—seeing my professor. Since when has it gotten so hard to see you?”
“I’m sorry.” It was the closest thing to the truth Jaekwan had said all week. He resolved to put an end to these games by tomorrow, but they couldn’t hash this out right in the middle of the street. “Listen, sunbae, why don’t we meet sometime later? I’ll be available—”
“Why not now?”
Jaekwan looked around at the busy street next to them, practically filled bumper-to-bumper with cars. “… you have to go back to work soon. There’s no time, so right now’s not good. Let’s just meet—”
“After work?”
Jaekwan hesitated. In a couple hours, he would have to face a relationship-defining conversation?
Choi bulldozed on, interpreting Jaekwan’s pause as a refusal. “How about tonight? Still no good?”
Without even waiting for a reply, Choi stepped forward and lowered his voice to a warning pitch. “Jaekwan-ah.”
The brim of Jaekwan’s cap had lowered in shame, unable to withstand the intensity of Choi’s expression.
“You won’t even look at me. Come on. Don’t you…” Choi’s voice lapsed curiously, like a candle flickering. “… still…”
Jaekwan looked up, wide-eyed.
“… love me?”
A fully grown man, tears pouring down his face in broad daylight, was standing right in front of Jaekwan, who was struck dumb by this sight. Pure, terrified instinct grabbed his sunbae and pulled his face into Jaekwan’s shoulder. As Choi’s tears started to seep through his shirt, Jaekwan frantically wondered, what the fuck is going on? Since when was it established between them that Jaekwan loved him? Sure, Choi said silly things now and then, but nothing that made Choi think something like this would happen. Regardless, Jaekwan fumbled for a suitable response. “That—that’s not it. I wasn’t avoiding you because of that—”
“I haven’t seen you for three weeks and two days. Isn’t that proof you don’t feel anything for me anymore?”
Why was he counting that far? Jaekwan cast a mortified glance at the bumper-to-bumper traffic going slow enough to witness all this. He gently pried Choi from his shoulder and coaxed, “Please, sunbae, can we go somewhere more private? Come to my place. Come home with me—”
He was wiping his eyes endlessly. “Are you going to promise to eat lunch with me?”
“Yes, after we talk, we can eat together.”
“And you’ll hug and kiss me as much as I want?”
Jaekwan flustered and lowered his voice, “Fine, but sunbae—”
“And you won’t get angry if I bend you over the kitchen table?”
“W-what? No, we eat there.”
Choi dropped his arms with a click of his tongue.
Jaekwan scowled at him. “Should you really be fake-crying at your age?”
“What else am I supposed to do!” Choi burst, and Jaekwan startled. “I’ve been badgering you all month, but I have to come here to cry and beg you to let me have lunch with you!”
Jaekwan didn’t know if it was an act or what, but more tears were dripping down Choi’s face as he kept complaining about the past few weeks, and Jaekwan’s heart didn’t know how to feel about the sight. “S-sunbae, please, let’s just talk at my place. You’re really misunderstanding things.”
“What am I misunderstanding?” Choi straightened to look at him. “If you still love me, then kiss me right now!”
Right on the street in front of one of Seoul’s largest universities, Jaekwan gaped. “What? Here?”
“Kiss me right now! If I could barely get ahold of you for three weeks, then you could at least—”
“Really, sunbae,” Jaekwan grumbled, cheeks on fire as he snatched Choi’s blazer to drape over their heads to at least pretend at modesty.
They met in one quick, soft press of lips, kept to one chaste peck, but Choi grabbed his shirt and forced Jaekwan to accept him even more intimately. Jaekwan inhaled sharply and tried to twist his face away. “Choi-yah!”
He wasn’t listening to anything. Really, Jaekwan wouldn’t have thought he was just bawling his eyes out a mere minute ago with how aggressively Choi was seizing this kiss. It was only when Jaekwan gave in did Choi relent and release his shirt.
Though Jaekwan was relieved to escape, he stayed under the coat with Choi, who also seemed disinclined to leave it. “Really. What are you doing in broad daylight?”
Choi pressed a kiss to his lips again. “The more you complain, the more I’ll harass you. Don’t you think neglecting me for three weeks is too cruel? I thought I was seriously going to die.”
Jaekwan would have told him not to be dramatic, but the words were too insincere to say. Without this bothersome guy clinging to him all the time, the hole in Jaekwan’s life that he left behind was painfully apparent. “It’s just that I was working up the nerve to tell you something important. I’m sorry. Let’s go home to discuss properly.”
“What, that you’re going to the military?” Choi pulled him into another kiss as if he was intent on collecting all the debt accumulated over three weeks of low-contact right here. “It’s not like you’re going to war, Jaekwan-ah; we should’ve been banging like crazy right up until your enlistment.”
Speechless for a moment, Jaekwan fumbled out, “So, you knew!”
“Anyone could figure that much out,” Choi grumbled, pouting like the fully employed, tax-paying, adult man that he evidently was not. “But who could figure out why my boyfriend would treat me like this!”
“S-since…” Jaekwan started, face starting to flush. “… since when was I your boyfriend?”
“Since we started fucking the daylights out of each other in your second year? Come on, I cooked you dinner every night for the first three weeks we were going out.”
Jaekwan stepped back and yanked the blazer off just to hide his blush. “You just made instant ramen most of the time.”
“Oi, I got better at cooking, didn’t I?”
He did. Braised beef rib stew, Jaekwan’s favorite food, was one of the specialties Choi developed. Jaekwan sighed. “And what is this you’re saying about whether I still love you?”
“You did say it. When you came over for Spring break in our third year, and I pushed you down—”
Jaekwan kicked his side with a furious blush. “What are you talking about in public!”
The cars visibly slowing down near them were making this whole argument even more unbearably comical. Choi didn’t appear to give one crap about it. “I’m not going to let you deny that you never said that you loved me several times! Are you going to say that you never promised to be mine or that you’d never sleep with anyone else?”
Jaekwan flushed because all of these apparently binding verbal agreements happened in the middle of sex. “Ah, would you stop putting our relationship milestones at such weird times? How am I supposed to know you were being serious and not just rambling in the heat of the moment?”
“I bought a queen-sized mattress for you to move in with me!”
“Can you blame me for thinking you had more crude intentions for buying it?” Choi’s immediate motives for the purchase were very clear, considering the first thing he thought to do was have it christened that night.
“Yes! I can blame you!”
Jaekwan rolled his eyes and grabbed Choi’s wrist to start dragging him back home before they could make any bigger fools of themselves in public. “Fine, but just come with me already. Let’s talk properly with our clothes on, so nothing like this happens again.”
At least Choi was obediently following along, but he leaned over to ask, “So, there’s going to be an again?”
“I’m hoping there won’t be, but we fight all the time because of dumb things like this.” In the first week of their hookup, Choi was getting upset with him for using the same throw blanket one of his ex-hookups had gifted him… which now made more sense after this fight. Jaekwan sighed. “Even if we talk properly in the future, we’re probably going to end up in a fight about something or other if we’re actually dating—”
Choi’s arms wrapped around his neck, pressing Jaekwan against his chest. “Let’s fight lots, Jaekwan-ah.”
He stood there, trying to process that declaration. “Oi. Aren’t your goals skewed? Shouldn’t you say something like ‘let’s never fight again—’”
“When you get back from service, let’s fight about how embarrassing I am when I come to meet you with flowers.” Choi kissed the side of his neck.
Jaekwan blushed at the idea of Choi standing there with a huge bouquet of flowers in two years, the size of it only matched by his grin. It was embarrassing as hell. That’s why his ears were red. “Choi-yah—”
“Let’s also fight about me pouncing on you the moment you get into my car—”
“If you know it’ll piss me off, then don’t announce it beforehand!”