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Jamie knew he was making a mistake. His eyes looked forward at the car in front of him, stuck behind a red light, he’d had a lot of time to contemplate what he was doing. It had been a quick, spur of the moment decision but he’d forgotten that he’d have to sit in traffic, questioning if he actually had the guts to go through with it. He let out a sigh, about to lean his forehead on the steering wheel when the light turned green.
He didn’t need directions, he’d driven over to that godforsaken flat enough that he could get there with his eyes closed.
Julie was out of town; Jamie wouldn’t have the guts to turn up otherwise. She’d gone up to London with her friends, that’s what Clive told him anyway. It was surprising, to say the least, for her to leave so soon after they’d returned from their honeymoon. So that left Jim home alone.
Oh Jim, Jamie hadn’t texted him since the wedding. He’d practically sworn off using his phone all together, choosing to binge trash TV as opposed to responding to risky texts or, god forbid, seeing the wedding photos he’d been tagged in on social media. That would simply be too much for his heart to take.
Jamie knew this would only make it worse, he could hardly think about Jim without feeling like he was about to throw up - or die - but he was getting to his breaking point. The point where he actually felt like he needed to get it out because it was beginning to kill him from the inside. Bottling it up couldn’t be an option anymore, the feeling was impossible to contain.
It did take him a while to reach that conclusion, and shockingly the thing that did it was a stupid romcom. One dramatic love confession was enough for Jamie to get up, put his shoes on and start the car. He knew it wouldn’t end well, but in his defense, the character was talking about ‘seizing the moment’ and ‘taking the risk’. He was self aware enough to understand that he’d missed his chance, and that there was nothing to lose anymore. He had to get it out, for the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he could finally move on.
He turned onto Jim’s street, the block of flats looming over him. It was now or never. Jamie knew he could just turn pack, forget about it all, respond to Jim’s messages and go back to being a bystander, hiding behind a smile that won’t belong to him.
But he’d been doing that for far too long.
Of course it was raining. Anything to add to the dramatics. Jamie found himself running across the car park, yet somehow he was still drenched by the time he’d gotten inside. He took the time to stand there for a second, his hair dripping water onto the dirty tiles and his teeth chattering from the cold. He sighed, and started walking up the stairs, his shoes squeaking against the floor. Maybe he should’ve just stayed at home, curled up on his sofa with store-bought lasagna.
It didn’t take long until Jamie was standing outside Jim’s door.
His eyes were stinging already. This was going to be the end of it all, and he knew it. He was going to let it out in front of Jim, and leave him confused and feeling bad for him. He didn’t want to hurt Jim, to make him feel some kind of pity. Jamie knew he didn’t feel the same way, so why did he have to make it Jim’s problem?
That question was exactly the reason it had taken Jamie so long to get to this point.
From the moment he’d realised that his heart fluttering every time Jim looked at him wasn’t due to completely platonic feelings, he’d vowed to keep it a secret. The last thing he wanted to do was lose Jim, and make him guilty for not feeling the same way.
But the guilt that came with not telling him was even worse. Every time Jim tried to set him up with one of Julie’s friends, every time he’d ask if Jamie was okay, and during the entirety of the wedding, his heart was being taken apart by guilt. There was no chance he was going to move on if he kept it hidden.
So he brought his fist to the door and knocked.
The few seconds it took for it to open felt like a century, and Jamie was getting close to just running down the stairs.
But he just stood there and the door opened.
And there he was. Jim stood there, his beard beginning to grow out, and his white t-shirt creased with a ketchup stain on it.
Jamie hadn’t noticed how much he was shaking, whether that was from the cold or the nerves, he didn’t know.
“Jamie?” Jim seemed to be reasonably shocked, the way his best friend looked, the fact he’d turned up late at night and the fact he hadn’t texted him for a couple weeks made this visit a surprise.
Jamie’s mouth went dry, and his brain took a while to catch up with the whole situation.
“Hey, Jim,” He breathed out.
They were quiet for a bit; Jim was taking in the wet, messy sight of Jamie on his doorstep.
“Do you want to come in?”
That was a bad idea, going inside meant less opportunity to leave, and a lower chance that Jamie would actually say what he came here to say.
“No, it’s alright.” Jamie let out a sigh and looked up at Jim. “Look, Jim, I need to tell you something.”
“What’s wrong, man? You’ve been completely radio silent since the wedding, even Julie tried reaching out.”
Jamie swallowed, his heart was racing faster than it ever had before. Even faster than the times Jim had unknowingly flirted with him during a house party, even faster than every time Jim held him close, Jamie found it incredibly lucky he hadn’t had a heart attack before because of his best friend.
“Jim, I need to be honest with you, and I need to say it because it’s been killing me for years.”
Jamie could basically see the gears turning in Jim’s mind, his hand leaning against the door frame and his head tilted in a way that managed to make Jamie crazy.
“Mate.. this isn’t about Julie again, is it?”
“I- no, I would’ve told you earlier if it was. Just, Jim, you’ve been my best friend for ages and I know you’ll hate me for saying this but I need to get it out.”
It seemed to click for Jim, and his eyes widened. He’d put the pieces together and he started to shake his head.
“No, Jamie, if this is what I think it is..”
The other man felt his heart drop at the rejection, and he hadn’t even said anything yet. He still had time to deny it, to laugh it off or make up some elaborate lie. Why was Jim so quick to turn him down? What was he scared of? Maybe this was something they both needed to face.
“It’s no use, Jim,” He managed to get out, taking a step closer to the door. “We’ve got to have it out.”
“No, Jamie, don’t—“
Any attempts at stopping him were futile, everything was bubbling at the surface and nothing was going to stop it from spilling out.
“I have loved you ever since I’ve known you. I can’t help it! And- I tried, I tried so hard to show you and you didn’t get it which is fine.”
Jim was shaking his head, his eyes pleading in a way that Jamie had hardly ever seen them before. But he’d said the hard part out loud, after years, and it was going to be difficult to get him to stop now. Not even the sight of his best friend silently begging him to stop could do anything.
“But I must make you hear now, and give me an answer because I can’t go on like this any longer!”
“Jamie, please, please.. don’t.”
The constant rejections and interjections only curled Jamie’s emotions, the fire and pain in his heart only growing with each word. He comes to Jim, ready to bare his soul to him, to tell him everything he’s hiding for half a decade and he won’t even let him speak. With everything he’s done for Jim, for how much he’s stuck by him, he deserves to let it out. It’s unclear whether he’s more angry or hurt by Jim’s words, but whatever he’s feeling, it’s clear in his voice.
“I gave up the stag do, I gave up everything you didn’t like, did everything you wanted to do.” Jamie swallowed, his eyes stinging again. “I’m happy I did.. It's fine.”
He let out a shaky breath, and he saw Jim’s face twist in reaction to it.
“I waited, and I never complained because I-“
“Don’t..”
They made eye contact, glassy eyes meeting other glassy eyes. And for a brief second, they were just two best friends, who’d been through everything together. Every exam, every break up, every party, every weird stag do. They’d been together through everything, toeing the line between platonic and something they wouldn’t dare bring up. And now it was all being brought up, and Jim couldn’t bear to hear it, but Jamie needed him to.
“You know, I figured you’d love me, Jim.” Jamie couldn’t help the tear that fell down his face and the way his voice cracked pathetically. He’d be lying if he thought there wasn’t the smallest chance that Jim felt the same, even if it was a couple years ago.
He wanted to reach out, to grab onto him for one last time, and to never let go. He wanted to hold him, to keep him, but one single glance at his hand, his finger with that wedding ring, the one thing stopping Jamie.
The hallway was quiet, apart from the sound of their breathing.
Just the two of them, stuck in the vulnerability and painful truth of the moment.
Jim took his hand off the door frame, his eyes softening ever so slightly, yet still having that raw fear and pain in them. Jamie wanted to stab his heart for fluttering with hope at the sight.
“I’m sorry, mate.”
That was the last thing Jim said before he slammed the door in Jamie’s face.