Chapter Text
Grey.
Lying on her back on top of the forest floor, Brian could see the grey sky peeking from between the leaves. Soon enough, the sun's light would be gone. Small, gentle drift of snowflakes falling from between the canopy of the evergreen pine trees. They fell on her. Some immediately melted away, while some remained.
Everything was still.
They said the gods would enshrine themselves on the tips of pine trees. That is why they cut the branches of pine trees off the top before the New Year and displayed them on each side of their door. Because the New Year is special. It was the time when the God, Toshigami-sama, came to every house. So everyone cut the pine trees and displayed them as a beacon. To welcome the god, Toshigami-sama, they said. So Toshigami-sama will come and grant them one year of their lives. Brian learned that from her parents, and so she taught it all to her foals as well.
They also went to bring the pine branches together this year. They also took some bamboo and made the New Year decoration kadomatsu together. Theirs were not as grand as those displayed in front of big enterprises and wealthy family homes, but they made them themselves. They spent the New Year Eve eating the end-of-year soba, then eating mochi soup the next day. Ama-san was so good at cooking that, despite none of those being her culture, Ama-san could make flawless Japanese meals and even replicate the taste from Brian’s mother Pacificus. From the moment Brian brought Ama-san home that one day, or even way before that day, Ama-san was part of the family, a daughter who chose their family.
The person who soothed Brian’s thirst and hunger emotionally, physically.
Brian thought her thirst would never be satisfied, ever, but she was wrong. It was not the first time Ama-san proved her wrong. And she always did it in a way only both of them understood. Brian wondered, however, if there would be another chance for Ama-san to prove Brian wrong. Brian did not dislike it. Every time, it only made Brian fall even deeper in love with her wife.
Only now does Brian understand enough for her to make them into words. It was probably way too late, however. Brian knew that she probably could not go home.
The weight of the dead black bear that attacked them slowly but surely pressed on her stomach and lower body. She had no strength left to move, let alone lift it away. Brian knew she was injured, terribly, yet she could not know the real extent of her injury. It did not matter then. It was not as if she could move at all.
Wet dog tongue licked Brian’s face, brushing away the blood that smeared Brian’s face. Brian could not focus her eyes to tell which of her four dogs licked her. From her fuzzy memory, she remembered that one of her Akita dogs, Chomp, had taken a blow to his side. The others were probably injured as well, but at least this one was strong enough to lick her and whimper.
From the black fur, Brian now knew it was Silk, her Labrador.
“... Good Boy, Silk.”
The dog whimpered, nipping Brian’s shoulder, then continued to push his wet, warm nose on Brian’s neck. Another one of her dogs came shuffling beside her. Two were okay, at least. Brian tried to move her right hand… which was surprisingly still usable. Her left, which she used to shield herself from the bear, was surely completely out of commission. Using the last of her strength, Brian grabbed Silk’s dog collar to give him a command.
They came out no more than a whisper, but hopefully Silk would understand.
“Ama-san. Find Ama-san.”
Silk barked, protested.
“No, Boy. Leave us. Go home. Home.”
The dog whimpered, but finally Brian could feel Silk drawing his body away. Good Boy, Silk. Yes. Home. Go home.
Brian let her hand drop to the snow. Silk barked twice, and then Brian could hear him running. The other one followed after Silk. Brian could not see which one it was, but that was fine. Two of her dogs were alive. They were going home. That was more than enough.
Brian could feel another living being near her. It snuggled up to her and rested its head on her shoulder. From the fur by the corner of her eyes, Brian knew it was Chomp. The dog’s body heat warmed her, and Brian could feel a chuckle in her chest. Chomp’s condition surely was no better than hers. She saw the blow herself. It was a miracle Chomp could even go to her at all.
Maybe that was simply what living beings did when they felt their life slipping through their fingertips.
Brian used to love solitude. However, now, she had to admit that a presence could feel reassuring. Chomp, too, was breathing heavier. Breathing somehow turned into a conscious effort, a labor they probably would soon be too tired to continue. At least they were not alone in this labor.
“Mommy, I have finished arranging the fish at the hearth.”
“Thank you, Blaze, honey. Can you watch over the fire with Amacchi? Ask Amacchi to teach you how to keep it going.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
Last Blaze walked back to the irori, the hearth, in the other room. They would have salt-grilled fish and some nabe for tonight. Nabe is simple and delicious. Basically, you can just plunge anything, and it would taste great. Thus, Hishiama always ended up making nabe whenever she was not sure what Brian would bring home from her hunting. Brian probably would come back with a boar tonight. After all, it was what Brian had been tracking for the past few days, due to reports from the farmers around.
Hishiama went back to the hearth room, bringing the vegetables she had finished cleaning. Amazi, the filly of the twins, was feeding some wood into the hearth, Blaze beside her. Amazi’s nickname, Amacchi, was coined when young Blaze failed to call her and could only muster Amacchi. The whole family found that to be cute (much to Amazi’s chagrin). Amazi seemed to turn fond of the nickname, however, but Hishiama knew her filly would never admit to that.
While Blaze looked like a mini version of Brian with her bright golden eyes, Amazi was much closer to Hishiama with her ruby eyes. Amazi cut her hair short, saying to differentiate herself from Osumi Kaizen, her colt twin. She did not need to worry so much since Kai-kun’s eyes were different from hers, but Amazi did it anyway. She could have said she wanted short hair. Amazi was always quite the difficult one.
The sliding door slid open, and Osumi Kaizen, the colt of the twins, came in with her arm full of firewood. She was sitting on the wooden terrace outside the room, seemingly too lazy to take off her boots to get in. Brian and Hishiama’s family home had a spacious clay floor entrance room before it connected to the main house, a relic of the old clay hearth kitchen. Kai-kun just sat at the edge of the wooden terrace, opened the sliding door wider, and slid in the firewood one by one through the gap.
“More incoming!" She said with a smile.
“Where is Andes?”
“Still out there chopping. Do you want me to tell her to come in, Mom?”
“Yes. These will last the night, even for your father’s midnight snack.”
“Okay!”
Kai-kun slid the sliding door closed and went outside again. Brian loved to spend time by the hearth at night, just watching the fire while grilling some of her game meat with some sake as company. At first, Hishiama accompanied her just to make sure she did not drink or eat too much, but eventually that evolved into their own comfort hour. Only at night, after their children were asleep, did they have time for themselves. Even just sitting there together was enough for both of them to recharge. They loved their children, but Hishiama would be lying if she said she did not miss private time with Brian. As their children got older, they found more time to be alone, and it almost felt like renewing their marriage again.
Now that Warrior was already off to Tracen, and the twins would soon follow next year, the house would get even lonelier.
Brian’s family technically lived in the same place as they were, albeit on the other side of the compound. Brian’s parents seemed happy the moment Brian said she would take over the family business as Hayahide continued with URA work instead. They moved to the other compound to allow Brian to have her own family’, as they said. Even now, they instead took time to travel all over Japan, under the guise of “settling business deals”. Brian said it was a half-truth. At least her parents really did somehow, somewhat, settle some business deal as they traveled.
“Mommy, Andes’s here!”
The sliding door opened again, and there came Kai-kun with Andes behind her. The eldest still had her coat on. Snow had accumulated on her shoulder. The colt flicked her ears to shake off some frost at the tips. Her amber eyes looked almost black with how the sunlight had already dimmed, and the room was only lit by the fire of the hearth.
“Come in, Colts. Gather around, we will have dinner soon.”
“But Daddy isn’t here yet.”
Blaze furrowed her eyebrows. She disliked the idea of having dinner without Daddy.
The filly was clingy to Brian. When Brian was around, she would always follow Brian wherever she went. Brian also let her climb onto her body anytime, lifting Blaze onto her shoulder and carrying her around. When Blaze was smaller, Brian would run around the field while Blaze laughed. Blaze rarely laughed. With her being that happy, it was hard to say no to her. As Blaze got older, the filly appeared to really love running. She probably loved that speed. With her golden eyes and hunger to run, Blaze was certainly just like Brian. As if that was not enough, Blaze also disliked strangers and preferred to be alone or only with her parents, especially Brian. She already appeared to be quite possessive. Exactly like Daddy.
Hishiama smiled, gently patting Blaze to calm her down. She looked outside, at the falling snow, then sighed.
“But you are right, it is very late for her. I will remind her.”
Sometimes hunting did take more time. This was not the first time Brian had been late due to hunting. However, usually Brian would inform her with a whistle or two from a distance. Maybe Brian was simply too preoccupied this time.
Hishiama stepped inside her warm working boots and went outside. The snow was falling quite hard today. Without the wind, it was actually quite a warm day in late January. Snow can be a hassle, but times like this, it makes the air feel warmer than usual.
Facing the mountains, Hishiama put her fingers into her mouth and whistled.
The whistle, strong and steady, echoed to the mountain. It’s their come-home whistle. They had three variations: Home, Help, and Later. They could just repeat the same whistle if it was an affirmation. They had an agreement that they would stop whatever they were doing and answer, even if it meant sacrificing a hunt (which Brian was a bit annoyed about). Hunting was rather straightforward, however. So it was rarely an issue, and Brian always answered back.
However, this time, no one answered. One minute turned to two minutes, then to three.
Hishiama cocked her head to the side, wondering, and she whistled again.
Yet again, after her whistle echoed far, no one answered her.
Brian was not sure if the boar she had hunted was the one terrorizing the nearby farmers, but she would have it either way. Her two labradors, Silk and Letter, and her two Akita, Chomp and Seven, circled and barked around her excitedly. They did well today as well. But the barking soon turned into snarls, and Brian also heard something unusual among the bushes. They were on a slope, amidst tall ferns and bushes. The darn boar decided to drop dead here, of all places. At the moment, even for her dogs, Brian could only locate them by their barks and the movement of the plants around her. The visibility was too low. This was not a good place to get ambushed. She needed to sling her shotgun over her shoulder to climb up the slope to a better vantage… But her ears picked up something that made her immediately aim her shotgun again.
She shot into the air. Just as a warning.
If it were any bear, the sound would scare them enough. Just in case, Brian decided to reload her double load shotgun. She would take care of the brass casing later, as for now… Just as her shotgun clicked closed after the reload, a large shadow moved from her front.
Snow slowly began to pile. The winter forest remained still, as if time did not move at all. The snow fell even more heavily.
Soon, almost everywhere was covered in white, even herself.
Ama looked beautiful in white. Her figure in the shiromuku, the Japanese wedding dress, made Brian stare a tad bit too long. Hayahide actually cleared her throat to snap her back to her senses. It seemed several of the audience chuckled at her but Brian did not care.
Her soon-to-be wife is a goddess. Anyone could laugh at her all they want, but that fact would not change: she would marry her goddess.
Their wedding was held twice, three months apart. Once in Japan, then once in Ama-san’s hometown in the US. Brian was welcomed, so generously, by Ama-san’s family, who immediately challenged her to a very competitive turf race. Ama-san's father gave Brian a big pat on the back. Probably that meant she, too, was part of the family.
They made the best BBQ. No wonder Taiki Shuttle was always so noisy about the grill at Tracen not doing BBQ justice.
Brian had to learn the whole wedding procession again, this time in Ama's style. Everything was unfamiliar to her, and Brian usually disliked unfamiliarity. This time, however, it was quite fine.
Why, she now had the chance to see Ama in her western bridal dress.
If she were a goddess before, now she was a queen.
Brian would remember every vow there is in the world for her queen.
There were times Brian thought Hayahide was a worrywart, but Hishiama was just as much. Even back at their Tracen days, Hishiama and Hayahide were noisy about what she had for lunch. It went as far as Hishiama knowing the changes of the cafeteria menu, predicting the time when Brian would resort to simply munching on her yakisoba dogs for days. Air Groove was their accomplice. She provided them with the full chart of the menu. At first, it was more of an annoyance since Brian felt bad for having Hishiama cook for her all the time, and for her, it was unsolicited help. Yet that was what Hishiama wanted to do, and who was she to decide what was better for Hishiama? So she let her. And with time, Brian realized she craved her cooking time and time again. Back then, Hayahide’s curry was the most delicious dish to Brian, and that remained so for so long… now Brian probably would need a long time deciding. Both of them fulfilled the hunger and craving far deeper than the one her stomach was suffering from.
A whistle pierced the cold air. Distant. Longing.
“Ama-san.”
Come home.
She felt like she heard a whistle to come home. In her brain, she felt like answering, but she was not even sure if the whistle was real. Maybe she was just imagining that call. Chomp did not even stir. It may be her imagination.
Or maybe Chomp had gone. Brian could not know which was which. Brian tried to move her hand, but she could not. Maybe she could whistle back without her finger.
White mist puffed from out of her mouth and disappeared into the winter air.
Chomp jumped, took a huge bear claw on his side for his master, while Brian ducked to the side. Winter soil and damp frozen leaves made Brian buckle to the ground and slide down the slope, while the huge black bear that jumped after her barreled down the slope before her. Her heart ached, but there was no time to check on Chomp. Brian kicked her boots to the ground and scrambled up, hearing very well the heavy huff and roar of the angry bear.
Bears that did not hibernate are dangerous and hungry. And hungry bears that were not deterred by the loud blast of a shotgun are the most dangerous of them all. Brian knew all of her dogs circled protectively around her. She had to at least reach the top of the slope, to a better clearing to defend herself. She could hear loud shuffling and loud whimpering of one of her dogs. The ground shook with every stomp of the bear.
It must be a male.
An aggressive female would have been understandable if there were a cub, but an aggressive male was just hungry. The simpler the reason, the more dangerous they were.
She was near the top of the slope. Brian grabbed the root of a tree on the top of the slope and pulled herself up, but a presence made her stop midway and instead aimed her gun downward. True enough, what greeted her gun barrel was a huge black mass coming at her.
Without a time for a proper aim, Brian pulled the trigger.
“That’s strange.”
Hishiama tilted her head. Now she felt worry start to creep into her heart. Brian would always answer her. There must be something terrible that she could not answer–either she could not hear, or she lost the ability to answer. Hishiama whistled once more, as loud as she could, yet there was no answer.
Brian always came home for dinner. She would not venture too far away that she could not hear the whistle.
“Dad isn’t answering.”
Andes appeared beside her. The colt looked worried. The twins peeked out behind her, probably also wondering why there were three loud whistles yet no answer came back. Andes looked at her mother.
“Do you think something—”
“Silk!”
Amazi suddenly shouted and ran out of the house. True enough, a Labrador and an Akita came out of the forest. The whole family went to the dogs. Seven yelped and barked, but something was wrong with their gait. They were injured, in one way or another. That could only mean something even more terrible had happened to the ones that did not come back.
Blood caked one side of Silk’s collar, and the dog whimpered and barked restlessly. Hishiama felt her entire body go cold.
“Andes, call 110 and Uncle Hayahide.”
“Mom–”
“But Daddy–”
“All of you, go inside the house.”
“Mommy–”
“NOW!”
Andes’s eyes read into her mother’s, and she nodded. She scooped the crying Blaze, who struggled in her arms and shouted, “Where is Daddy?!” and called for the twins to go into the house. Kai-kun grabbed Amazi’s shoulder to usher her inside, but Amazi instead went to their mother, who crouched over Silk.
“Mom, I’ll go with—”
“Inside, Amazi.”
“But Daddy—”
“Amacchi, Amacchi, enough.”
Kai-kun shook her twin sister. Their mother was off to grab a large scythe hanging from the side of their barn, Silk and Seven following behind her despite their limp.
“We’ll wait at home, Mom. We’ll tell Uncle Hayahide what happened.”
Their mother only glanced, but that was enough.
Hishiama crouched in front of Silk, cupping the Labrador’s face with both of her hands. She could feel the dry blood caking Silk’s collar, and every realization made her heart sink further.
“I am so sorry, Boy, I know you’re injured, but please, please, take me to Brian.”
Silk’s brown eyes answered hers, and he barked.
“As fast as you can, Boy. I will follow you.”
The roar meant she hit him, but unfortunately, she missed his head. That did not matter for now. The bear recoiled, a precious chance for an escape. Brian called for her boys and made for the nearest clearing she knew at the top of her head. Their priority now is to get away and survive. The bear might just give up and eat the boar by the slope. He would most likely have to be put down either way, but that time, there would be more people and better equipment.
“Come, Boys!”
At the clearing, Brian looked back to see if her dogs followed her. She saw two at the corner of her eyes, and her heart ached. Yet what made her stop was that the bear came charging still, barreling over ferns and bushes. The bear that attacked her was clearly a male bear, probably over 100 kg, and it was galloping at her. Brian immediately aimed again, and this time she waited until it was close enough for a sure hit.
She shot.
It hit the bear clearly on the right side of its face, but it still charged. With one half of its face blown, it still charged.
“… You monster.”
That was the last bullet on her barrel.
“Look at her eyes, just like you.”
“Why do you sound so happy?”
“Of course I am. She’s just like you.”
Andes was always the calm one. Always so gentle, so kind. Just like her mother. Just like Ama-san. Andes was everything good in the world.
“Warrior! Stop climbing on the roof!”
“Let her. She’ll learn that falling hurts.”
“No, Brian, she’ll fucking break her legs!”
Nobody knows why Warrior was so active and a troublemaker. Ama-san said that was Brian. Brian said that was Ama-san. Rudolf and Air Groove watched them both, and Air Groove said, “That’s both of you, can’t you see?”
Brian and Ama-san vehemently said no. Rudolf laughed at them both, saying the colt was probably ‘Ama-zingly Brian’. Brian refused to contact Rudolf for a month after that.
Flurries of claw ripped Brian’s flesh and knocked her empty gun out of her hand. The claw and fangs clearly aimed for her head, but Brian jammed her left arm into the bear’s mouth. They fell together onto the forest floor, wet and thinly covered with snow. The bear ripped her flesh with a flick of her jaw and opened his maw again, gnawing on Brian’s bloodied sleeve. Claws slammed to Brian’s sides as she somehow managed to get her pocket knife despite the immense pain.
Brian jammed her knife deep into the bear’s neck and sliced as strongly and as deeply as she could.
A burst of blood and a strange gurgling sound told her she reached something vital, but the bear swatted, clawing at the hand, and in his pain trashed on Brian. Brian plunged her knife deep into his already hollow eyesocket, watching him jerk his body in pain. The bear clawed at the forest floor, then slammed its body onto Brian, pulling the last of its life on Brian’s body.
The bear stretched, a final twitch of life.
Then everything went still.
“The doctor said it would be a difficult pregnancy, Ama-san. Twins are too dangerous.”
“I want to try, Brian. They are our foals.”
“I know, but…”
“We’ll give our best. I will be okay, trust me.”
“Ama-san…”
“I can do this. We can do this. Stay with me, Brian.”
“Just… just don’t push yourself. And I meant it when I said my priority is your life.”
“... I know. I understand. I love you too.”
“Brian!!”
All she could do that day was hold her wife’s hand. When the twins moved actively in her belly and caused her pain. When her hip failed her. When her old ankle injury inflamed again from her weight. When the labor was painful. Ama-san handled it all. Brian always wondered if she had done what Ama-san asked of her. If she had “stayed with her” back then.
“Brian, answer me!”
“Last Blaze. She will be our last foal.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. No more. I am sure.”
“I… I don’t know, Brian. It’s like you made the sacrifice.”
“I desire you, always, and that will not change. It’s not a sacrifice if I lose nothing.”
If Ama-san was her Queen, Last Blaze was her Princess. Brian used to not understand Rudolf when Rudolf called Aruve her Princess, but somehow Brian understood the moment she held Last Blaze in her hand. Her princess was born. The last in her line was a princess with golden eyes. Ama-san said they were even now. Andes’s amber eyes and Blaze’s golden eyes. The start and the end of their lines. All of her foals are perfect. And Ama-san was the one who made them so.
“Stay with me, Brian!”
Ama-san.
She wondered if she really did manage to stay with her. Not just for back then, but for all the time they were together.
“Marry me.”
“Hahaha, it’s that good, huh? Dummy, that isn’t what to say while eating a meat skewer.”
“But I am serious. Marry me, Ama-san.”
“... what?”
“Sooner or later will not make that much difference. I know my wish will never change. I want you with me forever. Marry me.”
“... That is honestly… not something to say while eating a skewer, Stupid.”
She found Brian in a clearing, with a huge dead male bear on top of her, and Chomp the Akita dead with his head on Brian’s shoulder. Chomp was still slightly warm, but it was no mistaking the lack of life in the poor dog. Hishiama knew not where their last Labrador was, but she could only hope for the best. She could barely think straight when she screamed for her husband’s name and got nothing in return. She did not know what came into her, but she managed to flip the dead bear away from her husband.
Her husband’s breathing was weak, and she was losing a lot of blood.
“Brian! Brian, answer me!”
“So this is where you grow up.”
“Yeah. Awesome, right?”
Brian went silent.
“What? You’re amazed?”
“Yes, and… you have a good family.”
Hishiama laughed. Brian could be quite funny sometimes, but she was glad Brian seemed to like her family. After all, they are now a family.
“I just now realized that… I may have taken you away from them.”
“What? Holy, you just realized that now?”
Brian looked genuinely sorry. When she did, her ears immediately lay low and her golden eyes looked glassy. Almost like a real puppy.
“What did you think marriage meant?”
“I mean…”
“That means my family is yours now too, you know?”
Miraculously, the golden eyes briefly opened, barely any consciousness reflected in them.
“Stay with me, Brian!”
“Not only, that, we’ll make our own good family.”
Hearing that, Brian’s ears perked up. She blinked and a while later smiled gently. Hishiama knew that this smile was probably hers only to see.
“Yes.”
She did not know if Brian could understand her, but all she could do was run down the mountain as fast as she could, with her husband on her back. She thought she could hear her husband answer. Or maybe she was simply hoping that that was the case.
“Don’t you fucking die on me, Brian!”
“Should I do this vow again?”
“You just repeat what was recited.”
“I wish I could just read it like we did at the shrine.”
“Oh, Brian, we’re just repeating things, it will be fine!”
Brian looked unusually nervous. Her tail flicked behind her.
“It is a vow to you. I don’t want to make any mistakes.”
Tears almost blinded her, but she did not need that at the moment. Not now, not when she had to save her husband. Trail running was never Hishiama’s forte, and her old ankle injury screamed with every step she took, as she had extra load on her back. Brian’s breathing turned shallow, and every pause felt like it might be the last.
“In sickness and in health…To love and to cherish…”
“Don’t you dare fucking die on me!”
“Until death do us part.”
“Awubu!”
“Arubu.”
“Abubu!”
Rudolf lowered her report to watch Aruve trying to teach Dura how to say her name. Nearby, Tsuyoshi was doing her rep that Cesario had taught her: a 2 kg barbell lift. High impact was too much for Tsuyoshi, so they had to do everything slowly. A while ago, it was Tsuyoshi who tried to teach Dura her name. For now, they had to stop at “Chu-yo” and even that seemed a bit too much of a push.
Outside, snow was falling. Hopefully, it would accumulate enough so they could take their children out to play in the snow.
Air Groove came with a plate full of winter oranges and then sat beside Rudolf. Rudolf automatically circled her arm around her wife’s waist, who just as naturally leaned to her and turned to face her for a kiss. Then Rudolf’s phone rang.
She looked at the caller, furrowing her eyebrows when she saw it was Brian’s home’s landline phone.
“Hello, this is Symboli Rudolf.”
“U-Uncle Rudolf? This is Andes…”
There was no mistaking the tremble in Andes’s voice and the tears that seemed to be barely being held back.
“Dad… went hunting… and she’s not coming home.”