Chapter Text
It was a normal Thursday night at the Marvin-Braxton house, and Marvin was hard at work, contributing nothing to his family and making house payments through the sheer luck of God. And speaking of God, he was hoping to get one more miracle for today…
“God, it’s been so quiet since the kids left for school…hopefully it can stay this way for the rest of-”
“HEY DADDY!”
Sigh. Guess God couldn’t perform every miracle, much to Marvin’s annoyance.
“What do you want, Jeffy?” Marvin asked his son, knowing he’s about to say the most insane thing he’s ever heard since…this morning.
“All right, peep game real quick,” Jeffy started, throwing his backpack to the side. “ My 22nd birthday’s 10 months from now, and I wanted to get an early head start on it! So we need to grab the gang and head to Miami ASAP!”
Marvin was clearly flabbergasted. “W-What?! Jeffy, we already took you to Vegas for your birthday, you got revenge against your dad, you even won 2.5 million dollars! What more could you possibly want?!”
The answer was simple.
“Boats N’ Hoes, Boats N’ Hoes, I gotta have me my Boats N’ Hoes! Boats N’ Hoe-”
“All right, shut up, shut up, shut up!” Marvin said, lightly shoving his son. “How about this; we’ll take a trip to Miami sometime in February or March depending on the weather, but you better not ask for anything crazy when your actual birthday comes, deal?”
“Not gonna lie Daddy, my peepee’s flaccid as fuck right now. OL’ FLACCID DICK!” Jeffy suddenly shouted. “COMES WITH A SET OF BLUE BALLS N’ SHIT! But I guess I’ll take these blue balls for now if it means a trip to Miami later. Deal!” As father and son shake hands, Jeffy grabs his backpack, getting ready for his nightly terrorizing of his family. “And now, I head to my room. See you at dinner, Daddy!”
“Uh-huh…”
“I take it Jeffy just got home?” Marvin’s wife Rose popped out from the bathroom, adjusting her hair.
“Yeah…unfortunatly…” Marvin muttered the last word under his breath, but Rose still heard it, offended on Jeffy’s behalf.
“Marvin!” Rose said in a scolding tone. “You can’t say that, he’s your son!”
“He’s 21 years old honey! He can’t be babied his entire life! I’m shocked he’s even allowed to still be in school! Speaking of which, I wonder how he’s doing? I have the strangest feeling that something bad happened today…”
Almost on cue, Marvin’s phone started to ring, with Jeffy’s teacher, Jackie Chu being the one calling.
“Oh God…I guess we’re about to find out…”
Meanwhile in his room, Jeffy was humming a certain song about boats and hoes to himself while looking up yachts online, slapping his crotch rhythmically to the song. It was gonna be another relaxing day for-
“JEFFFYYYYYYYY!”
Never mind.
“What?” Jeffy asked, seeing a pissed off Marvin staring at him.
“Did you go to school today?!” Marvin yelled at his son.
“Actually Daddy, there’s a very funny story behind that, you see ya boy had to get another Jeffymobile after the previous one had a violent makeout session with the ground!
“And you ditched school to get another stupid car?!”
“Ditched is a funny word, because I never showed up.”
Not even a second later, Marvin ran over to Jeffy, hitting him with everything he had in his rage.
“OW! OW! HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!” Jeffy screamed before Rose ran in to break the two of them up.
“Marvin, get off of him! You know he can’t fight back!” Rose cried, to Marvin’s annoyance.
“Stop defending him, Rose! He’s 21 years old! He’s a grown ass man! He’s using money that we could be using to pay off the house, but he’s using it on pointless bullshit!
“He’s just having fun, Marvin! And it was his money, anyway!”
“I don’t care! As far as I’m concerned, that money is also mine since I’m his father, and until he gets those grades up, that money, along with that damn Jeffymobile, his laptop, his video games, and his TV are mine!” While Marvin was busy crashing out over the sudden trouble Jeffy found himself in, Jeffy was busy crashing out over his Dad’s crash out.
“What the fuck?! This is total bullshit, Daddy! You know Mr Ping over there is lying to your face, right?!”
“You LITERALLY told me you didn’t even show up!”
“Well answer me this Daddy, you weren’t there, so how can you prove that I wasn’t at school?
“BECAUSE YOU TOLD MEEEEEEE.” Marvin angrily said through gritted teeth.
“Mmmm, fake news.”
Marvin ran up to hit Jeffy again, causing Rose to grab Marvin as the two argued over what they should do with a grown (physically) Jeffy as he kept rapping about boats and hoes…
“SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BOATS, JEFFY!”
At the same time, Jr and his friends, Cody and Joseph, came in a few seconds later, seemingly talking about something that’s happening tonight.
“Dude,” Jr started. “There’s no way your new trailer is going to hold all three of us, that thing looks small as hell!”
“Trust me dude, it looks much bigger on the inside than it does on the out!” Joseph reassured Jr.
“Re-hehehehe-eally now?” Cody snickered to himself, enjoying his little innuendo, much to Jr and Joseph’s annoyance.
“Cody come on, stop that.”
“Yeah dude, that’s making us uncomfortable.”
Cody snickered again. “Don’t worry guys, it’ll only be like that for a few more seconds~”
Cody laughed white his friends thought deep and hard about clobbering him.
Just then, Chef Peepee would come from the kitchen to greet the three boys.
“Jr, I’d wish you’d let me know before bringing your friends over, you’re lucky I made extra servings for you guys! Go to the restroom and clean yourselves up!” Chef Peepee said, sighing as he lamented over his job, potentially being worse than hard labor.
“What do you say guys? Want a quick dinner before we head out?” Jr asked, to which the two surprisingly jumped at the chance to.
Cody and Joseph were equally excited.“Yeah sure, I could use some food, I haven’t eaten since lunch!”
“Ooh, free food?! And I’m not fighting racoons, bears and mean homeless people for it? Awesome!”
“All right, let’s go!” Jr exclaimed.
For the first time in a long time, all the main occupants of the household were at the dinner table; Jr, Braxton, Jeffy, Marvin, Rose and Chef Peepee, with Cody and Joseph joining them as well.
“This better be worth it Chef Peepee, I’m missing my Charleyyy and Friends marathon for this!” Braxton yelled at the chef, who was a lot more confident than usual tonight.
“Trust me Braxton, this meal is gonna knock your socks off! It’ll make you forget all about Charleyyy for… the next half hour at least! Presenting a Chef Peepee classic…MEATLOAF!”
Peepee yelled, showing off everyone’s plates.
“WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!” The whole table exclaimed. Their plates were full of a big chunk of meatloaf, mashed potatoes with gravy, white rice, and various vegetables, all with a buttery roll to top it off.
“Holy crap Chef Peepee, this looks like edible food!” Jr exclaimed.
“Yeah I can’t wait to eat this, thanks Peepee!” Cody said, getting ready to feast.
“Not gonna lie Chef, I’m impressed. For once.” Braxton said that last part under his breath, mouth obviously watering. “So what’s the special occasion?”
Chef Peepee was beaming with pride hearing everyone’s reactions. “Oh you know Chef Peepee had to represent, gotta let you know I’m not that washed!”
Joseph smirked. “Guess we don’t have to play that “Outstanding” song after all…”
“Oh we still can, the night’s still young.” Jr said to him, snickering.
“Finally, something good happened in this house, it’s about time…” Marvin muttered to himself, with Rose visibly annoyed by his snide comment.
“Um, Chef Peepee? Do you have any vegan options? I can’t eat meatloaf.” Rose asked, with Chef Peepee trying to hold in a small laugh.
“Oh yeah, no problem, just give your piece to me and I can save it for Braxton or Marvin.”
“OOOOOORRRRR, you can give it to me so I can eat it later tonight!” Jr said with a smug smile, but Joseph jumped in.
“No way dude, you’re gonna come back home on Sunday night and enjoy another awesome meal, let me have it!” Joseph yelled, with him and Jr arguing as Cody just ignored it, continuing to eat his meatloaf. As Braxton threatened to give his son belt to ass for arguing at the dinner table while he was eating, someone else started to yell…
“HEY! Who put extra boogers on my plate?” Jeffy exclaimed, noticing that he got more green beans than anyone else on the table. Marvin looked at him with an angry expression.
“You better eat every last goddamn green bean on that plate mister.”
“I don’t haf too…”
“Do it, NOW.”
“Marvin, please! Just let him eat something else for a change!” Rose pleaded, but Marvin was not having it.
“As long as Jeffy stays in this house, he will do whatever I say, and eat whatever is on his plate! SO EAT THE FUCKING GREEN BEANS JEFFY!”
“Wow, father of the year award right there.” Braxton teased, only for Marvin to clap back.
“I know you aren’t talking when you’ve been stuck to that bed watching Charlyyy and Friends forever, unaware that your son is about to be in an RV in the middle of nowhere with his friends!”
“Wait…is that why he was so excited this morning?”
“Yeah Dad, being in an RV with my friends is very… hey Jeffy, how would you describe that?” Jr asked.
“Peepeeeeeee~”
“Yeah, that! That's the one. Peepeeeeeee~”
“Peepeeeeeee~”
“Peepeeeeee~”
“Peepeeeeee~”
“...I think I’m in hell…” Marvin buried his hands in his arms, praying that a meteor could come down and wipe out everyone.
“Oh Marvin, I think you’re just feeling grumpy tonight…” Rose tried to comfort her husband. “Do you need to lay down?”
“Oh joy, laying down will DEFINITELY fix my money problems, my bald spot problems, and maybe, God willing, my Jeffy problem, thanks Rose!” Marvin said sarcastically, something Rose didn’t catch up on.
“Aw, you’re welcome, Marvin-”
[CRASH!]
Without warning, Jeffy tossed his plate across the kitchen, getting food everywhere and making Chef Peepee go into hysterics.
“JEEEEEEFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
“What’s going on Daddy?”
“Pick up that plate you dropped and apologize to Chef Peepee. NOW.”
“JESUS H CHRIST, DADDY, ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?! Why should I have to apologize for shit that you keep doing, knowing I don’t like it?”
“Jeffy, we’ve been over this a million times, green beans are good for you.”
“Bull fuckin’ shit! Name ONE positive, that isn’t already in a billion other vegetables!”
“They help your vision.”
“That’s carrots, Daddy!”
“Trust me, that doesn’t work as well as you’d think it does.” Cody said from his side of the table.
“I don’t care what was on that plate Jeffy, you go over there and apologize!”
Jeffy sighed. “Fine…Chef Peepee, I’m sorry my daddy ruined a wonderful meal by putting ass boogers on my plate and causing me to go into a retarded chimp session.”
“Uh…sure. It’s okay Jeffy.” Chef Peepee started, visibly confused.
“Now go to your room, and don’t even THINK about turning that game on either!” Marvin angrily pointed towards Jeffy’s bedroom.
“THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING PRISON!”
“GO!”
Jeffy angrily stomped off, leaving the rest of the table befuddled.
“Wow, talk about dinner and a show.” Joseph said, and the other boys agreed.
“Yeah no kidding…who knew being 21 was so rough…good thing we’re only 17!”
The three boys all agreed, knowing they wouldn’t have to deal with the horrors of being 21 years old for the next few years at least…
Rose and Marvin walked away, Rose being visibly upset.
“I can’t believe this…”
“I know, right? Who does Jeffy think he is, throwing a plate of food like he pays bills? I’m the one who’s responsible for everything in the-”
“I’m talking about you, Marvin!”
“GASP!” Marvin was offended, if the gasp written in all caps wasn’t clear enough. “M-Me?! What did I do?!”
“You know exactly what you’re doing, Marvin! You’re trying to kick Jeffy out so he doesn’t make our lives a living hell!”
“Yes! Yes, that’s exactly it!”
“Marvin, didn’t his 18th birthday mean anything to you?! It went so poorly, and we almost lost him forever!”
“I was happy he was back…back then. When he WASN’T 21.”
“You just want a child that you can bully and belittle all day, like some wild animal! You’re a BUM, Marvin! A BUM!
“DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNNNN!” The three kids and Chef Peepee exclaimed.
“Mrs Rose lit you up like a damn firecracker dude!” Joseph exclaimed in shock.
Marvin was confused. “...aren’t you kids still going on that RV trip?”
“We would if SOMEONE would just finish their damn meatloaf! Come on Cody, scarf it down!”
Cody lay at the table, completely laid out. “Ugggghhhh…I’m all meatloaf’d out guys. Sorry.”
“Cool, more for Braxton.” Chef Peepee snatched Cody’s plate and put it in the fridge to eat later.
“Anyway, a BUM??? A BUM???” Marvin yelled. “I have done nothing but appreciate you and support your dreams, and that’s what you wanna call me?!”
“When was the last time you had a job Marvin?”
“When was the last time you had a job period?!” Marvin shot back, immediately making Rose cry.
“Well, I hope you’re happy Marvin, because this jobless bum is going to bed, good night!” Rose pouted as she ran to the bedroom crying. Marvin sighed. Somehow he knew this night was going to annoy him, but there was no way it could possibly get worse…right?
[DING-DONG!]
“Oh God…now what?”
Marvin opened the door to find the homeowner, Mr Goodman, armed with a bottle of sparkling cider, ready to pop it.
“M-Mr Goodman?!”
“Oh hey Marvin, I heard about the stuff that happened in Vegas. Congrats on winning that jackpot, I can’t wait for you to give me all the money you owe me in one fell swoop. You know, since you won $2.5 million and never have to worry about anything ever again. So…give it here.
“Uh-”
“Nonono wait, I’ll just hold my hand out, close my eyes, and let the money come to me, so come on, I’m waiting, Marvin.”
“Uhhhhhhh-”
Goodman was starting to get impatient.
“Marvin I swear to FUCK, if I find out you spent the entire jackpot on liquor and bitches…that would actually be pretty based of you, I’m not gonna lie, but that move is reserved for people like me! Not a bum who sits around all day and bitches about how much his life sucks but can’t contribute anything to society!
“Hey, I’ve done some good stuff! I cleaned up trash at the park…once…when Rose told me to…”
“Oh wow, stop the fucking presses! Here comes Marvin with the bare fucking minimum! Hey, maybe we’ll get that retard and that cow in on this action too!
“Look look look Mr Goodman, the thing is, I don’t have a house payment for you now, b-but if you give me more time-”
“Marvin, everytime I give you an extension, I get fucked over the table like I'm an American taxpayer! Why should I keep doing it?!”
“I…I…I don’t know…
“Well, since we're such good friends, how about this Marvin? ONE extension. Due tomorrow. 8 am, on the dot. And I’d prefer if I got paid in full, but if I got at least $3,000, I’d be a happy boy. No money? No more house. No more bedrooms, no more indoor plumbing, no more electricity bill, no more unprobed asshole because I'm gonna shove this bottle so far up it you'll be pissing cider for the next few days, AND-AND!”
Goodman stopped a stammering Marvin from speaking.
“I get to keep your wife as my pet cow. I’m sure my baby Goodman Jr would love to see how his favorite meal is made! Anyway, thanks Marvin!”
Mr Goodman left and sped off in his Lambo, leaving Marvin dumbfounded. All of a sudden, their hopes relied solely on Jeffy, who probably spent all of the money in the stupidest way possible.
As Braxton took off like a rocket back to his room and Chef Peepee was busy cleaning up Jeffy’s mess, the kids got ready to go, armed with enough groceries to last for the entire weekend, along with a ton of electronics, clothes and bedding. They noticed Marvin sitting there on the couch with a thousand year stare after Goodman’s words to him.
“Sorry you got put in the doghouse, Marvin.” Jr said to him.
“Yeah dude, that must suck.” Joseph continued, the two feeling genuine sympathy. “You think if you guys divorce she’s going to keep the house?”
“Joseph, I don’t think her name is even on the deed of the house, there’s no way she’s going to be able to live here if they do divorce.”
“Wait, the house can do chores now?”
Cody sighed. Why was he best friends with a bunch of idiots?
“Cody, Joseph was asking you a question.” Jr said, the two getting ready to annoy Cody for the entire walk to the RV.
Marvin sighed. They were doomed, plain and simple. After tonight, there was no way Jeffy was going to help him, he might even buy the house outright out of spite to him!
Living in a Jeffy House…Marvin couldn’t even imagine a worse hell.
“Hey Marvin, need anything from the kitchen before I close it for the night?” Chef Peepee asked.
“No Chef Peepee. Go ahead and close it.” Marvin said, verbally defeated.
“...suit yourself. See you in the morning.” Chef Peepee then flips a switch, turning off all major lights in the house.
Pulling out an SML blanket, Marvin decided to sleep on the couch, hopefully dreaming about better places and better than this life…
____________________________________________________________________________
Rose woke up the next morning with a feeling in her heart that something was wrong.
Not just the fact that her husband wasn’t next to her, but she had a feeling something crazy was going to happen today…
…and when she walked into the living room and tried to wake Marvin up, she realized her feeling was going to become reality..
“Marvin…Marvin! Marvin, wake up!” Rose whispered, trying to get her husband’s attention, but to no avail.
“Honestly Marvin! After all that fussing last night, I’d think you would have enough sense to wake up and be productive for once! Now come on Marvin, wake up!”
Rose took the sheets off and gasped. There’s no way she was seeing what she thought she was seeing. Instead of a middle aged Marvin under the sheets, there was a man half his age under there, with a bigger nose, a better mustache, and even a full head of hair, softly sleeping in a pair of overalls, possibly dreaming about Italian food.
On that Friday morning, at 7am, Rose awoke to find someone sleeping on her couch. But it wasn’t Marvin. For once in her life, that would’ve actually been normal. But nothing could just be normal about their lives.
No, it couldn’t have been Marvin.
It was someone much more recognizable, someone who felt familiar, despite never appearing at all.
It was Mario.
[END OF CHAPTER 1]