Chapter Text
Orren looked pissed off.
The worm-head liaison was nervously fumbling with a tennis ball, repeatedly tossing it from his right hand to his left. The movement was both hypnotic and irritating.
I looked around, wondering why I was here again. I was usually summoned here because I’d looted something I shouldn’t have, and they wanted it back; however, since the tenth floor began—about six hours ago—nothing unusual had happened. Yet.
I’d been grinding with Donut, killing mobs and traveling from point A to point B in the rundown, goblin-made Jeep-like monster truck we’d found. I rebuilt it with parts from a junkyard and got it running. Now, we were driving through the tenth floor, taking out whatever we faced and trying to reunite with Imani’s team.
I hadn’t looted anything valuable, so why was the worm liaison this anxious? I sighed inwardly, wondering if Orren was a little too dramatic for his job. Hadn’t he wanted to be an actor before? Maybe that career choice would have suited him better, considering how stressed and miserable he looked.
“What’s up, Orren?” I asked casually, knowing full well that if I was here, it meant something big was happening.
Orren shifted, looking more stressed and uncomfortable by the second. Now, I was kind of curious. Watching him squirm would have been enjoyable were it not for the fact that his shit usually meant shit for me, too.
“What’s happening now?” I pressed, urging the liaison to spill the beans and get it over with.
“I have been trying to…negotiate with the AI, but things are…not progressing as planned.” He started, his tone somewhat cautious, which raised a bright red flag in my mind. This didn’t bode well.
“Why am I here?” I asked again, in a less friendly tone. What had the idiot dragged me into now?
“I need your help,” Orren said bluntly, and he looked like he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. But he didn’t refute them.
I raised my eyebrows, “You need my help,” I repeated skeptically.
Orren shifted again, the tennis ball quickly moving from his left hand to his right, over and over. I almost reached out and pulled it away, like a parent would take a toy from a child. But I didn’t.
“I’m not making any progress with the AI. He is more powerful and more confident now. He knows what he can do, and he’s using that knowledge and power to ignore my requests. I’m losing the leverage I usually have,” Orren explained, sounding exasperated and discouraged.
“And you need my help to… what? Cheer you up and tell you not to give up?” I asked humorously before saying, “Hang in there, pal, do not give up,” in the most monotone tone I could muster. Who the fuck did he take me for? A cheerleader?
Lazy asshole.
“We all have our issues, Orren. I’m trying not to die every hour of every day. You’re trying to have a discussion with a being that can now see through your bullshit. Sucks to be you, but most of all, sucks to be me,” I said angrily. What the fuck was he expecting? A quartet of violins to serenade while he tells me about his bureaucratic struggles. Fuck off.
“The negotiations are on an intergalactic level and involve the lives of billions of harmless people, including those on the surface of Earth. We are trying to…calm the tensions between the factions, and for that, we need the AI to at least cooperate and let us do our job,” Orren half explained, half pleaded. Wow, the worm looked desperate; it was almost comical.
I sighed, annoyed, “And how the hell do you expect me to help?” I asked, irritated. “As you might have forgotten, I am a crawler. I live inside the AI’s realm, and pissing him off isn’t exactly in my best interest. Also, I don’t know if your parents – or whatever genitors you have – ever told you that, but at some point in your life, you need to take accountability and responsibility for your actions. This is the time for that. Instead of dumping your crappy problems on me, maybe you should work harder at trying to fix them yourself. My plate is currently full of problems. I don’t need one more. Now send me back.”
Orren lifted his right hand, which was empty of a tennis ball, and said, “Hear me out first and then…” he hesitated, “Then, you can tell what you think.”
The absolute mortification in the liaison’s voice made me pause. Where was he headed with this? I was almost curious, but then again, knowing might not be in my best interest.
I grunted. What else was I supposed to do but listen? I was stuck here until the idiot sent me back.
Jerk.
Orren didn’t wait for me to assent and shared his ‘request’.
“I need you to... humor the AI every once in a while,” he said, clearly uneasy.
“Humor?” I repeated, confused. Dread settled in my stomach. Surely, he couldn’t be talking about that.
Orren shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Throughout my negotiations with the AI, he brought you up quite often—as references, as examples, as… ways to convince him…”
No, no, no, no, no, I thought.
“He mentioned that he would be more inclined to agree to our terms if you… uh… sweetened the deal…” Orren said, his voice small and embarrassed.
Oh, hell no.
“No,” I said, deadpanned.
“Like hell, I would ever agree to this. Have you lost your mind?” I growled. Fuck no. Hadn’t I lost enough already? My dignity was one of the very few things I still had left, and it sure as hell wasn’t intact anymore. I wasn’t going to…use myself that way for Orren to get his point across.
“Find another way to persuade him, because I am not that committed to your cause, body. If your intentions were as noble as you claim, you’d be the one going out of your way to convince him. But since you're not, I see no reason why I should. Fuck you.
“Besides,” I continued, angrier and angrier, “you know he listens to everything. He’s going to know what you’re up to. Do you think he’ll appreciate you plotting to manipulate him like that? I thought you were smarter than this.”
“You are right, the AI will know that I tried convincing you. He will also know that you refused this method,” Orren said. “That decision is on you, however, not on me, and I believe the AI knows this as well.”
I raged and glared at the worm.
“Don’t involve me in this,” I repeated, feeling cornered.
I realized now that by sharing his messed-up, backwards plan with me, he was no longer the one responsible for it.
I was.
I was the target now.
Fucking asshole.
“Alright,” Orren sighed, his shoulders sagging. “I will send you back, then.”
He didn’t appear as disappointed as he wanted me to believe he was. Why was that?
I felt like I had just been caught in a trap as I landed near the safe room Donut and I were about to step into.
“Carl! Where were you? You vanished all of a sudden. What did you do again?” Donut asked imperiously.
“I – huh – Orren wanted to have a one-on-one chat about some… matter I don’t really understand. I think he just wanted a body to brainstorm with,” I vaguely summarized, choosing not to elaborate on the nature of the liaison’s request. I knew all too well that Donut would be encouraging me to… sweeten up the AI and get us the upper hand in the dungeon in any way possible.
In a way, I admired and envied her detachment in using her charms to navigate through life. I constantly felt ashamed whenever I did some…AI-pleasing stuff. Mostly, I felt ridiculous and humiliated that trillions of people saw me make a fool of myself for an entity that may or may not be watching.
Mordecai flew to meet us, and I stared at him. He looked like some kind of fairy, with wings, big eyes, and very delicate-looking limbs.
“Hey there!” he said, his voice higher-pitched than usual. Donut fawned over him.
“Don’t you look absolutely graceful, floating like that, Mordecai. I can’t wait to show Mongo. He is going to be enthralled by your new form. I love it,” she said, holding her paw up in admiration.
Mordecai looked down at himself. “Thanks, Donut,” he replied. “This form can fly, which is nice after so many wingless bodies. It almost feels like I am a Skyfowl again.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” Donut replied.
“It is, Donut,” Mordecai the fairy said with a satisfied voice as he flew around the room.
With all the dust kicked up as we traveled along dirt roads, Donut and I looked like walking, talking sand people. Dust flew off me as I walked, and the cleaning robot let out a disapproving beep as it followed me, vacuuming the trail of dust I left behind.
I entered my rarely used bedroom and saw the gaming console I’d taken from my father’s house on the eighth floor, along with a colorful hat Donut said gave my room ‘more character.’ It was green with gold and looked like a leprechaun hat.
I stopped abruptly upon entering my bathroom.
“What the...?” I whispered, taking in the much larger room. I didn’t remember any bathroom or room upgrades, so why was this here?
The room was much bigger than before, and a green and white flower-patterned loveseat now flanked a wall decorated with wallpaper. The wallpaper was black with white footprints on it. “Huh...” I said, unsure of what to make of the sudden addition to my bathroom. This was the only room where viewers didn’t have access. Why was it suddenly changed?
A weird foreboding feeling settled in my gut, and I ignored it, choosing to shower instead of acknowledging the change.
Carl: Donut, has anything changed in your bathroom?
Donut: WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHANGED?
Carl: I mean, something new, or different?
Donut: NOTHING HAS CHANGED ON MY SIDE. HAS SOMETHING CHANGED IN YOURS?
Carl: Nothing big, no. Just…I was just wondering.
I frowned as I brushed my long hair under the hot shower spray.
After my shower, I glanced at the damn loveseat and sat on it to use my pedicure kit. Nothing happened. It was just a fancy couch. Nothing more, nothing less. So why was it there?
Carl: Hey, Mordecai, what does it mean when new furniture is added to a room?
Mordecai: Did you buy it?
Carl: No.
Mordecai: Did you loot it, or get it from a box?
Carl: No. It just appeared.
Mordecai: … hum…where and what is it?
Carl: A loveseat appeared in my now much bigger bathroom.
Mordecai: Was this part of your admin discussion? The one you had right before you got here?
I looked ahead, frowning. Orren wanted me to ‘humor’ the AI, as he’d eloquently put it. And now, there was a couch in my bathroom. A whole fucking couch for me to lie on without any prying eyes looking at me…
Carl: Huh, I hope not. Thanks, Mordecai.
Mordecai: Are you in trouble, kiddo?
Carl: Hum. No. It’s nothing. Thank you.
Was this the result of my discussion with Orren?
I pondered this as I distractedly used my pedicure kit, wondering whether this was Orren or the AI’s doing, not knowing which was worse.
Fuck me.
After sleeping for half an hour and preparing more explosives on my sapper’s table, Donut and I took off again. We drove until we found the one and only bridge that allowed us to cross to the other side of the river.
There was a boss lurking beneath, reminding me of the story about the troll, killing those who crossed.
Upon inspecting it, this is the description I got for the AI.
Troll of the Underbridge
You know that feeling when you’re expecting something to happen, but nothing does, and it leaves you kinda disappointed? That's how I feel when I look at this troll. It’s ugly, but not quite disgusting enough to cause real disgust. It's just a letdown.
You’re going to have to defeat it, but know that I will not take pleasure in watching this shame of a troll get blasted to bits.
Unless you make it more interesting, that is. The ball's in your court, Crawler.
Impress daddy.
I pressed my lips together and remained silent. That was an oddly vague description. It seemed more like the AI was sharing his feelings about the troll rather than providing any real insight about the mob. I frowned, feeling disappointed. Still, I didn't complain.
The main challenge of the fight was to kill the troll without destroying the bridge we needed to cross. Donut ended up using her charisma on the half-wit troll, convincing him to let us cross the bridge in exchange for a song. She bounced on the passenger’s seat as I drove, singing 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor in an off-key tone that gave me shivers, yet she still managed to charm the dumb troll.
Donut got all the achievements and experience on that one, and I got nothing.
Later that day, we encountered another mob, an overgrown city rat that burst out of the sewers.
Shit rat.
Kill that thing.
Just…kill it.
Kill it with your feet, baby.
Do it for Daddy.
I…kept getting more and more of those: descriptions that said nothing at all and were mostly about the AI venting about something I wasn’t entirely sure I understood. Was this about Orren’s request? Was this about the negotiations? Or was this the AI being stingy for some random reason not involving me?
I ended up crushing the rat with my foot after Donut lectured me about the gerbils and the inherent risks of disobeying the AI when it came to the ‘Daddy Tax’.
The next time we entered a safe room was about twelve hours later, after we had worked our way through two cities. The last boss fight had been intense, ending with a whole neighborhood blown to bits. It had been as spectacular as it had been violent, and Donut and I earned a bunch of achievements.
Upon entering, we were met by Mordecai, who was calmly sitting on the couch, reading a potion book.
Donut opened her achievement first. She was incredibly excited, as she usually was, and got overly talkative about all the buffs and advantages she’d received. One of which was a brand-new head-mic that was lighter and amplified her voice louder. She raved about it and mentioned looking forward to trying it out as soon as we were out again.
I received an achievement that was as dryly delivered as the rest of the AI’s information that day.
New achievement.
You did things. Yay.
Yeah, okay. You did kill the rat with your feet, but you didn’t…
Never mind. I will be patient.
The AI sighed loudly. I looked around, uncertain.
Here’s your reward. He said grumpily.
Have fun.
Jerk.
The reward wasn’t exactly shoved into my face, but it was close.
It was a potion that Mordecai showed interest in for a few minutes before telling me to keep it for later. I said nothing, but I began to understand something was up with the AI.
I showered again, washing off all the gore, dust, and debris from my entire body, including my long, luscious hair worthy of a Pantene commercial.
Again, I contemplated the loveseat, which hadn’t been removed or classified as a glitch and fixed. For some reason, the system allowed this freebie to exist and remain, and I was more confused than ever.
I sat down on it, used my pedicure kit, and brushed my hair before getting dressed and rejoining Mordecai.
“Is it still there?” Mordecai asked me as I entered the kitchen.
“Huh, what?” I asked, confused.
“That new furniture you got; is it still there?” the fairy asked, just as Donut was entering the room, her fur cleaned.
She sat on my lap and pulled the brush from her inventory. I obliged.
“Yes, it’s still there,” I replied, also confused about it.
“What is?” Donut asked.
“I…have an addition to my bathroom and I don’t know where it came from,” I explained vaguely.
She raised her head, her interest piqued, jumped off my lap, went into my bathroom, and gasped.
“CARL, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about that upgrade! I want one too. My God, this is majestic! This loveseat is the same one Rose lay on in the movie Titanic when Jack drew her like one of those French girls. This loveseat is ICONIC!” she squealed in delight, and the word ‘iconic’ was spoken with her new head-mic, with the auto-tune on.
I groaned. What the hell? Why was this in my bathroom all of a sudden? I shrugged; ultimately, it wasn’t important. I resumed brushing Donut’s fur when she returned.
She wouldn’t stop talking about the bathroom, “I mean, how did it get so big? What did you do, Carl? Surely, you did something to deserve such an upgrade.”
“Let’s focus on our next steps, okay?” I asked Donut. “Imani’s team is pretty far from us, and so is Bautista’s. Without Katia, I think the team is less organized, and they are suffering from her absence.”
Donut hummed sadly, still missing their former team member. “I hope she’s doing okay…”
“Me too…” I said softly.
We resumed driving through yet another city before entering a forest. It was kilometers upon kilometers of mob-infested forest.
When the trees started moving around us, reminding me of the Ents taking over Isengard, I really began to suspect something was wrong.
Walking trees. Blah Blah Blah.
They are trees, and they walk.
Also.
They mad about it.
Do you know why they are mad? They’re pissed because you made them wait. You are STILL making them wait, and they don’t appreciate it.
Now kill those things and get back to the safe room.
I’ll be waiting.
Daddy’s patience is wearing thin.
I was stunned by the utter crap the AI had just served me. I copied the description to Donut, hoping she’d gotten something worthwhile.
Hers included a whole paragraph on how to kill those guys and how the branches with the purple tips were poisonous.
Donut realized something I had been dreading.
Donut: CARL. REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN YOU DIDN’T KILL THE GERBIL THE WAY THE AI WANTED YOU TO AND IT GOT MAD. WELL, I THINK THE AI IS GIVING YOU HINTS AND YOU’RE NOT LISTENING.
WHATEVER IT IS, I SUGGEST YOU LISTEN, OTHERWISE WE MIGHT END UP GETTING HIT WITH SOMETHING WE CAN’T HANDLE.
COME ON, CARL, YOU NEED TO PUT OUT FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I chose to ignore the advice for now since a bunch of purple-tipped branches were heading our way, and oh, the trees’ eyes could shoot death rays, which should have been part of the damn description.
Immediately after the fight was over, we drove by a safe room and headed in.
“Is it me, or are there a ton of safe rooms on this floor?” Donut pointed out, and I thought she might be right, at least compared to the ninth floor.
“There were several on the eighth floor,” I said, “Maybe, it depends on the floor…”
“Or maybe, you need to listen to your daddy, and get on with whatever he wants, Carl,” Donut said, never looking up from licking her paw.
We opened our achievement and, again, Donut got the usual good stuff, and I got…
New achievement
You have successfully blue-balled an AI to the near breaking point.
You did stuff. Congratulations, it said in a grumpy voice.
The reward is that I won’t accelerate anything for now, and give you one more chance.
One more.
You'd better listen to the liaison.
Yes, I heard you two talk. And I am waiting.
Imagine me tapping my fingers on a wooden desk.
I am ready.
I headed to my room and then the bathroom. I closed the door and looked at the ‘iconic’ loveseat. Fuck.
I showered, and my thoughts raced as I finally understood why Orren looked almost smug by the end of our talk. His asking had been the whole point of the conversation. I didn’t have to agree—especially with the AI breathing down my neck, waiting for me to… sweeten the deal.
Crap. The AI already knew and was waiting for me to…
To what?
I exited the shower, dried off, and put on my boxers before staring resolutely at the loveseat. I groaned.
I lay on the damn thing and thought about all the times the AI had mentioned the things he liked.
One of them had stuck in my mind, and I can’t explain why. It was mentioned when I received the magic duct tape.
I raised my freshly pedicured feet until they touched the wall and started rubbing the soles against it. I felt so damn ridiculous that I almost started laughing. Then, I reached up to my long hair, grabbed a fistful at the nape, and gently pulled, which actually felt pretty good.
The bathroom moaned. The loveseat shivered under me.
I looked around in surprise, hoping Donut and Mordecai had not felt that.
I was not so lucky.
Donut: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID, BUT IT WORKED, CARL. YOUR BOYFRIEND SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THESE MEN FROM THE NAKED MOVIES YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE ALONE.
I felt like I needed another shower from that alone, but didn’t have the time for it. I exited the bathroom, putting this embarrassing event behind me.
Donut, Mongo, and I settled in Donut’s bedroom for a few hours of sleep, and I was glad no one mentioned the moaning AI now haunting my bathroom while waiting for a peep show.
What the fuck had Orren gotten me into? And how could I get out?