Chapter Text
I’ve heard the phenomenon is called skin starvation
and it’s the reason infants are laid naked
on their mother’s breast the moment after birth.
Because touch is how we greet one
another in almost every language and say: you are here
and I am with you and we are not alone.
Joy Sullivan, “State of Emergency,” Instructions for Travelling West
This isn’t something they had done before.
Naruto’s neck feels unbearably warm against Sasuke’s cheek as he’s pulled forcibly into an embrace, his irritated protests going largely ignored. It’s almost not really a hug so much as it is a cling, Naruto’s heels hitting Sasuke’s lower back, arm wrapping around Sasuke’s shoulders tightly. The shock of Naruto scrambling over onto his hospital bed isn’t enough to make the tears stop slipping down his cheeks, and he doesn’t have enough energy to truly resist – not that he truly wants to.
“I’m so happy you’re here…” Naruto’s voice is strained and gruff, his breath tickling the back of Sasuke’s shoulder as he hugs him. Sasuke’s body shakes with a small sob in response, burying his face against Naruto’s shoulder. Sasuke wraps his arm and what he can of his stump around Naruto’s middle; the action causes a new wave of pain to wrack his body. He grips the back of Naruto’s gown tightly, gasping through it, because the only thing worse right now would be letting go.
It’s late, barely a sound in the makeshift hospital the two have been allocated to. It makes Sasuke’s quiet crying feel so much larger and louder, seeming to echo off the walls of their small shared room. Naruto continues to hold Sasuke tightly against his chest, as if he could somehow slip through his arms and disappear entirely. He rubs his thumb up and down against Sasuke’s back, in a motion he hopes is comforting somehow.
The gentle action makes Sasuke feel nauseous, in truth, as if he hadn’t eaten in a week and was suddenly fed a huge meal; his body isn’t equipped to handle gentle touch anymore, yet there’s nothing it wants more. Sasuke is acutely aware of his torso pressed flush against Naruto’s, and he presses himself even tighter. He wants Naruto’s warmth and intensity to swallow him completely, like the sun swallowing a meteor.
Sasuke’s body shakes and heaves as he sobs, and he feels there is probably nothing left inside him but grief. He flexes the shoulder of his missing arm hard; the pain is white hot and makes him shake, but it’s something familiar and physical to focus on, something to pull him out of himself.
Naruto hasn’t budged, even as Sasuke begins to slowly calm in his arms, still trembling but now from pain. Sasuke breathes ragged and slowly, face pressed into Naruto’s skin even still.
“Naruto, you… stink…” The insult is weak, but unexpected enough to make Naruto laugh – his chest pushing harder against Sasuke for a moment.
“You smell really bad, too,” Naruto replies, but makes no move to let go even with his nose buried against Sasuke’s neck. Sasuke finds himself smiling a little, in spite of everything.
Sasuke has to be the one to gently push away, moving to wipe his face with his hand. Naruto leans back a little, but doesn’t move to get out of Sasuke’s lap – instead, he helps wipe his face with the palm of his hand. Once again, the gentle action makes Sasuke’s jolt in rejection while wanting desperately to lean into Naruto’s rough hand.
“You’re bleeding, shit,” Naruto suddenly seems to notice, looking at Sasuke’s stump of an arm.
Sasuke moves his arm to look and a shockwave of pain goes straight up his shoulder, so intense that he feels like he really might be sick. Naruto shifts back, glancing at the door to their room before he makes a decision, shifting himself back towards Sasuke again.
“Can I try something?” he asks, blue eyes wide and concerned. Sasuke would prefer literally anything Naruto might try to another doctor touching him, so he nods and raises his arm a little for Naruto.
Naruto hesitates a little, furrowing his brow for a moment as he closes his eyes, hand hovering close to Sasuke’s stump. Sasuke watches with interest, trying to steady his shaky breathing by focusing on Naruto’s serious expression. It isn’t often that Naruto looks serious; his eyebrow seems to twitch and Sasuke thinks it’s kind of cute. A very soft orange light flickers onto Naruto’s palm, channeling chakra to it evidently but not his own – not the bright yellow that Sasuke is intimately familiar with.
Naruto, with extreme care, touches his hand to the end of Sasuke’s severed limb; it feels very warm and strange, Sasuke winces a bit from the sensation. Naruto runs his hand over the entire bandaged area slowly, lingering again at the end and Sasuke is surprised to feel the pain easing. Naruto removes his hand and sighs, wiping at his brow. Even his chakra must be a little low still.
“Was that Kurama?” Sasuke asks, lowering his stump down again. He’s pleasantly surprised to find that the pain is much more akin to discomfort now.
Naruto nods, “Yeah, had to ask him… see, mine is already pretty much all closed so I thought maybe he could help me with your’s.”
“Like in your head?” Sasuke asks.
“Sometimes out loud, but that looks weirder,” Naruto shifts. “Is it okay if I help replace your bandage? I just want to make sure it worked,” Naruto lifts his legs up and swings them past Sasuke to get to the edge of the bed. Sasuke nods, again, he would much rather Naruto than a doctor. Or anyone else, for that matter. Naruto goes to the small cabinet near the door and rummages until he finds clean bandages and a disinfectant. Sasuke watches him, feeling oddly calm. He tries not to think too much about the warmth in his chest.
Naruto climbs back on the bed and, to Sasuke’s surprise, resumes his position in Sasuke’s lap. “You have to sit like this?” Sasuke asks, scowling involuntarily.
“It’s easier, I think,” Naruto says. “I only have one arm now too, y’know.”
Sasuke grumbles and lets Naruto start carefully unwrapping his arm. Sasuke does feel relieved by how much the pain has seemingly ebbed away; it’s still quite sore, and if he tries to ‘move’ his fingers that are no longer there it feels very close to pain, sharp and stinging in a way he can’t describe. Exposed, Naruto tilts his entire body over to inspect his stump; it makes Sasuke feel weirdly vulnerable and he’s glad the room is dim so Naruto can’t see how flush his face is.
“Almost healed!” he declares, happy with his work. “I haven’t tried that before, but it looks pretty good. You’ll still have to be careful but it’s mostly closed now. Does it feel better?” Naruto asks, sitting back up as he reaches for the disinfectant. Before Sasuke can reply that it does feel better, Naruto wipes the disinfectant across the end of his stump.
Sasuke yelps, “Fuck! Naruto, god damn it…” he grits his teeth, trembling a little again.
“Shit, sorry,” Naruto says meekly, putting the cloth down. He grabs the bandage to begin rewrapping it. Sasuke grumbles again and helps by holding the end against his arm so that Naruto can start to wrap it. “It does look a lot better, though.”
Sasuke grunts in reply, focusing on the way Naruto is gently wrapping his arm with extreme care now. Sasuke helps him cut the bandage and Naruto tucks the end neatly away.
“Is it better now?” he asks again.
Sasuke leans on his available arm, to keep a little distance from Naruto’s face. “Yes… thank you…” his voice is quiet.
Naruto sighs with relief. “Good. I’m sure there’s like, a doctor on duty somewhere but…” he looks carefully at Sasuke’s face, their eyes meeting. Naruto didn’t really love watching the doctor wrap Sasuke earlier, he wasn’t being gentle enough with him. Naruto offers Sasuke a small smile, studying him in the dim moonlight of their room.
Sasuke slowly starts to feel his head begin to swirl again, the weight of everything easing back into his chest. He looks away, eyes flicking down to his lap instead. The uncertainty of what happens next is almost too much for him to bear. Somehow, the weight of Naruto’s legs still sprawled on top of his own thighs makes him feel a little better; as if he’s only tethered down by that alone.
“Sasuke…” Naruto’s gentle voice makes Sasuke glance up for a moment, but just a moment. The flicker is enough to allow Naruto to continue, “I am happy you’re here… I could barely believe it when I woke up and you were sleeping there. However you feel about everything, I’m just really glad…” His voice strains with emotion, staring at Sasuke’s soft features, bruised and swollen still.
Sasuke is quiet for a moment before he speaks: “I still don’t understand… and… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do… what am I supposed to do now…?” He meets Naruto’s eyes again, dark and pleading. There would likely be tears in his eyes again if he hadn’t already cried so much.
Naruto’s lips tighten, he isn’t sure. “I don’t think I can tell you that…”
“Can you at least tell me why? Why do all of this? Why is it that I always survive…?” Sasuke flexes his fist in his lap, the weight in his chest feeling cold and dark again.
Naruto wishes he could take away more of his pain. “You know why… you’re my fr–”
“God, shut up,” Sasuke glares at him. “You still can’t tell me what that even means to you, when you’d go so far for me…”
Naruto’s chest tightens as he stares at Sasuke. He could say it. “You’re right… I’m sorry…” Naruto replies, “Honestly, I still had to think about it a lot, myself, y’know? Because you were right, it’s not the right word. Brother doesn’t fit either. It’s something else, bigger. Because you were also right when you said that we know each other’s hearts. You remember?” Naruto’s heart is beating rapidly. He could say it.
Sasuke looks up again to meet Naruto’s eyes, searching them; drowning, burning, endless. He remembers.
“I…” Naruto feels so caught up in Sasuke’s expression, demanding and angry and desperate for something solid. Naruto feels his courage shrivel up inside his chest; he can’t say it. Not now. “I just mean that you mean a lot to me, more than anyone… you’re my closest friend, the only one who understands every part of me and isn’t scared of the parts that are… sharper. And you don’t scare me either.” He swallows hard, watching Sasuke’s face carefully. If all Sasuke has right now is that truth, Naruto can’t take that away or make it into another weight. Not now. Maybe never.
Sasuke sighs, letting go of the breath he didn’t realize he was holding in anticipation. He was ready to be annoyed, but there’s something deeply comforting to him about Naruto’s reassurance that he isn’t scared of him. Even after everything. He almost killed Naruto, more than once, because of how much he loves him; to be loved by Sasuke is terrifying, he’s sure. He’s sure Naruto knows that much, he isn’t as dumb as he acts.
“Are you planning to sit in my lap all night?” Sasuke finally breaks the silence, jostling Naruto a little.
“Might be,” Naruto challenges him. “Your bed is softer than mine.”
Sasuke glances over at the bed in question. Even in their small room, it seems so far away from him. Naruto spots the subtle flicker in Sasuke’s eyes, face scrunching a little as he tries to figure out how to go about this. Sasuke won’t let him sleep in his bed, but he’s scared. Understandably. Naruto is scared for him. “Oh, wait,” Naruto swings his legs past Sasuke again and jumps to his feet.
Sasuke watches Naruto scramble across the top of his own bed, then begin to push his bed over towards Sasuke’s. “You dumbass,” Sasuke groans inwardly, blushing at the somehow obscene noise the bed makes as it scrapes against the floor. Naruto ignores him and gets the bed so it’s almost touching – less than a foot of space is between them. He climbs onto his own bed and flops down on his side, smiling at Sasuke.
Sasuke is blushing, he looks away from Naruto because it really feels like too much right now. “I can sleep if we’re like this,” Naruto says, “I keep having trouble closing my eyes because I’m scared you won’t be there when I wake up.”
Something about the excuse of Naruto getting some sleep, and letting Sasuke sleep, entices him into accepting this flimsy excuse. Sasuke slides down his bed and settles on his back, sighing and tilting his head to the side to see Naruto. Naruto is smiling at him. It’s too much. Sasuke can’t look at him, so he stares back at the ceiling, deciding to try and rest.
“Hey, Sasuke…?” Naruto says, almost as soon as sleep becomes a possibility for Sasuke. He opens his eyes again and looks over. Naruto is on his back now, hand reaching out to him, fingers at the edge of his bed. Sasuke stares at the hand for a moment.
“Just for tonight,” Sasuke replies, placing his hand in Naruto’s.
Naruto laces their fingers. Sasuke’s hand feels a bit cold in his, but quickly warms up against his touch. Sasuke closes his eyes again, hand in Naruto’s, and finds that it is actually much easier to sleep with a tether. Naruto lays awake a while longer, staring across the gap at Sasuke. He’s really there, the weight of his hand on Naruto’s makes it real.
Naruto knows the next few days, next month, next year even, will be difficult. Sasuke will be put on trial for crimes lesser to those of the men that will judge him. He’ll be hated and pushed away by people who don’t understand, who can’t understand. But he won’t be alone. Not this time, never again. Naruto won’t let anyone hurt him again.
***
In spite of Sasuke’s insistence that it was ‘just for tonight,’ Naruto finds his hand in Sasuke’s once again the morning of the trial. Sasuke isn’t asleep, but his eyes are closed. Naruto is trying to find a way to pull Sasuke’s emotions out through his hand, though he knows he can’t. He just squeezes Sasuke’s hand, and is comforted when Sasuke squeezes back.
The moment the door clicks open, Sasuke’s hand slides out of Naruto’s grasp and Sasuke sits up before Naruto can even reconcile how empty his hand feels now. “Good morning,” Sakura steps in, smiling but clearly tense. “How are you feeling, Sasuke?”
“Impatient,” he replies, moving to the edge of his bed. “But fine.” He isn’t upset with her, she’s actually been more considerate than any of the other medical nin. Sasuke isn’t sure why she isn’t more scared of him, even if it is a bit irritating to feel like he’s been taken on as a personal project.
“Okay,” Sakura nods, placing her clipboard down on the table by the door. “Would you mind if I did some pain relief on your arm?”
“You don’t need to, it’s fine,” Sasuke says, unfazed by the jostling he faces when Naruto crawls across their beds to perch cross-legged next to him.
“Have you heard anything, Sakura?” Naruto asks.
“Only a little,” she says, wrapping her arms across her chest tightly. She only does that when she’s upset, which doesn’t bode well for Naruto’s rising anxiety. “That’s why, um… Sasuke, please let me. When they come to get you in a little, they want to bind you so that you can’t… attack anyone. I told Tsunade that was ridiculous, but it’s… standard, I guess. But I don’t want it to hurt you.”
“Bind him!?” Naruto immediately puffs up.
Sasuke, again, is unfazed. “It’s fine, Sakura, that won’t be necessary,” he says.
Sakura nods, pursing her lips. “Alright, just relax when they do it then. I wouldn’t want any of the stitches you still have to open.”
“This is crazy,” Naruto huffs. “They’re acting like he’s a wild animal or something.”
“It’s fine,” Sasuke says again, “I just want it to be over.”
“Okay, they’ll be here soon…” Sakura nods, going for her clipboard again. “Naruto, you have to come with me.”
“Huh? No, I’m gonna stay here with Sasuke,” he frowns.
“They don’t want us there for the trial,” she says, voice very insisting. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”
Naruto growls, feeling completely helpless. He would rather blow the hospital up than leave Sasuke completely alone for something like this. “Sakura, I can’t…” Naruto insists back.
Sasuke is quiet, looking at the ground. He wants to tell Naruto it’s fine, again, and make him leave, but he wants him to stay. Naruto is the only person who’s consistently defended him. Even if they decide that death is what Sasuke deserves, Naruto’s presence is comforting.
“Naruto, it’s okay,” Kakashi enters the room, one hand in his pocket. “I’m going to stay with him the whole time.”
Sasuke’s gaze snaps up to Kakashi’s face; he had briefly visited the other day, just to tell Sasuke what to expect. It was less than informative.
Naruto isn’t entirely swayed by this, “You have to protect him.” Naruto says.
Sasuke glances at Naruto, a little annoyed – as if he can’t defend himself at all. There is a reason why they want him totally bound in spite of his injury.
“That’s why I’m going,” Kakashi nods. “You and Sakura have to stay in her office, though. I’ll come get you when the trial is over.”
“You better, or I’ll–” Naruto starts to raise his fist to make some loud violent declaration, but Sakura catches his fist in her hand and shoves it back down.
“Can it, that’s literally why we aren’t allowed to go. I’m babysitting you.” She scowls at Naruto.
“Me?!” Naruto turns to her quickly.
“Yes, you! They think you’ll go full Nine Tails the second someone accuses Sasuke of something,” she places her fists on her hips.
“Well, if they’re not being fair–!” Naruto starts.
“Yeah, my point exactly!” Sakura replies.
Kakashi sighs, leaning against the table, “Ah, just like old times… or something…”
Sasuke feels the corner of his mouth twitch just a little; almost a smile. Kakashi is right though, there’s something nostalgic about this moment. Sasuke musters himself up, knowing he has to step in, “Naruto, go with Sakura,” his voice is much more confident than he feels. A skill he’s practiced a lot. “I’ve surrendered myself to their judgement. This is how it has to be, whatever their decision is.”
Naruto’s mouth tightens again, trying to think of something to change Sasuke’s mind. “Okay…” he gives in. “But Kakashi, you’ll bring Sasuke back with you, right?”
“I can’t make that promise,” Kakashi says, then after a moment of thought he adds, “I’m sorry.”
Naruto feels sick with anxiety, looking back at Sasuke again. Sasuke is sitting still, stoic, but Naruto knows he’s scared. Neither can do anything. Naruto feels faint when he thinks of the possibility that this is the last time he could see Sasuke. “Kakashi…” Naruto looks to his old teacher, feeling his eyes well with tears that he won’t let fall – not yet. “Please… please do everything you can to bring Sasuke back with you… promise that you’ll do everything…”
Kakashi stares at Naruto for a few moments, “That… I will promise.”
“Thank you…” Naruto sighs, a small amount of tension lifting from his chest.
Sakura nods in agreement, “Thank you, Kakashi… please take care of him and make sure they’re careful with his arm.”
Kakashi nods and Sakura takes Naruto’s arm in hers to guide him out of the room. Naruto looks back at Sasuke and flexes his hand. Sasuke meets his gaze, surprising both of them, “See you.” Naruto smiles a little at the confident farewell and nods, though it does nothing to alleviate the lump forming in his throat.
Kakashi says nothing after they leave, and neither does Sasuke. It only takes a few minutes for two jounin to arrive with a large mess of belted wrappings to bind Sasuke in. Kakashi stands upright. “Just relax,” he tells Sasuke as they stand him up and begin to confine him. Sasuke feels like his heart might beat out of his chest. “There’s a lot to discuss,” Kakashi says, watching carefully to ensure that they don’t hurt Sasuke as they tie him.
Sasuke keeps his eyes closed, focusing on his breathing, squeezing his hand so tightly he’s sure that his nails are drawing blood from his palm. The jounin help Sasuke onto a wheelchair, which he’s then attached to as a further measure. This is how scared he expected Naruto and Sakura to be of him.
“Are you okay?” Kakashi tilts himself down to look at Sasuke’s face. Sasuke glares at him. “Fair,” Kakashi nods. “Don’t do anything stupid, got it?” he stands upright again, “They just need to blindfold you now.” Sasuke tenses as one of the men places a cloth across his eyes; it makes sense, not only the sharingan but the rinnegan would be threatening to them. Sasuke feels completely helpless though, a feeling he does not enjoy. “Alright, we’re going now. Just stay calm.” Kakashi instructs as Sasuke feels himself being pushed forward.
Judgement has arrived. It’s only been a little more than a week, but obviously they wanted to sort out the Uchiha problem permanently. The most likely sentence being execution for his crimes, a fate that Sasuke has long since accepted – at no point has he ever considered the idea of having a long life; the only thing that bothers him now is leaving Naruto, hurting him again in yet another way he can’t take back. The second option would be exile, which in the wake of a war may be preferred as enough death has usually occurred to put everyone off the idea – though, judging by the bindings, Sasuke would guess that no one trusts him enough to just turn him out. The third choice, suggested the other day by Sakura, could be jail; there’s a shinobi jail in Kusagakure that would be suitable to hold someone like Sasuke, but definitely not desirable. The fourth, and final option that they could come up with was, naturally, Naruto’s suggestion – ‘what if they just forgive you?’
They wouldn’t, of course. They couldn’t. Sasuke had to be punished for everything he did, for the hurt he caused in the name of revenge for so many years. Something like that isn’t just forgiven. It can’t be. Sasuke couldn’t even entertain the idea, it hurt too much to even consider. No, he had to be punished. Hated. Nothing else makes sense.
No one could forgive Sasuke for what he’s done.
***
Naruto groans loudly, pacing back and forth in Sakura’s office. “It’s been so long !” he says, much louder than necessary for the small room.
Sakura sits at her desk, cheek in her hand, anxiously fiddling with her pen. “It’s a trial, Naruto, and there’s… a lot… they have to go over everything…”
“At this rate, I’m going to have to sleep on your floor,” he says, continuing to pace. “How many hours now?”
“It’s been ten hours, nineteen minutes…” Sakura’s voice is flat, irritated.
Naruto loudly groans again, coming to a stop by his chair and sitting down once again, head down between his knees. “I’m going insane in here…”
“Just… read something… freaking out isn’t helping,” Sakura pushes a couple of magazines towards him, again.
“I’m supposed to just sit here and read… what is this, Kunoichi Health ? While my– while Sasuke is…?”
“Yes,” Sakura scowls at him. “I keep telling you, we can’t do anything about it. Sasuke surrendered and this is just how it works. If you went and busted him out, he’d just be a rogue ninja again. I don’t like it either, but it’s… how it is…” she sighs. “I don’t… think they’ll kill Sasuke though, do you?”
“Like jail would be better?” Naruto snaps back.
“At least we could see him…” she says softly. “At least he would be alive.”
“Sasuke wouldn’t be alive in a prison,” Naruto replies, his tone somber. “Or exiled alone… he can’t… I can’t…” Sakura watches Naruto, curled over, face in his hands. He seems so small to her, not unlike the little boy he used to be. “They have to find a way to forgive him… they just have to… everything he did, it was… it was because of them, what they did to his family… I know he’s a criminal but I… I can’t say I would have been different…”
Sakura feels tears prick her eyes, quickly blinking them away. In spite of everything, she loves both of them so much and she can’t stand seeing them both so… helpless. The most stubborn boys she knows and both just have to resign. She knows what she’s asking. She’s scared of what Naruto may do if the worst comes to pass, and more than that, she’s scared of the fact that she isn’t sure if she would move an inch to stop him.
“Kakashi told me… that they were going to consider his past, all of it,” Sakura admits softly. “He wouldn’t elaborate, but there’s a jutsu… I think maybe the one Ino’s family uses to read minds. They could maybe look directly at his memories and… maybe there’s hope for some pity, at least…”
“They’re going to read his mind?” Naruto looks up at her finally, brow furrowed with concern. “That’s so…”
“I know… but I can’t think of another way they’d be sure… and Kakashi seemed sure that they’d be able to fairly judge his history and all of his actions.”
Naruto clenches his fist and growls to himself again, “Assholes… I can’t believe they’d judge him after…”
“I just hope Sasuke is okay. I don’t know a lot about the technique, so I’m worried about what it could do… Sasuke has everything so carefully boxed away, I can’t imagine what he’d feel if they ripped everything out… if that’s how it works…”
Naruto makes another noise, leaning back in the chair now and rubbing hard at his face with his one hand. “This is torture ! Fuck! We should be there!” Naruto huffs.
Sakura stands, feeling restless and moves to the other side of her desk, leaning back on it. She takes a deep, slow breath. “I just hope if they do, they see all the good and how much Sasuke means to us…” she blinks back her tears again.
Naruto is quiet, and her statement hangs in the air, heavy on both of them.
The door of Sakura’s office opens and both of them bolt upright as Kakashi comes into view. “What happened!?” Naruto yells before Kakashi opens the door even halfway.
“Well… a lot…” Kakashi says, folding his arms over his chest.
“Is Sasuke…?” Sakura feels the tears welling with much more force.
Kakashi takes a moment, then steps to the side, revealing Sasuke standing behind him. His gaze is fixed on the ground, exhausted and emptied, numb. “Sasuke!” Sakura gasps, unable to help herself as she leaps past Kakashi to hug him. Sasuke staggers back a step with the force of her hitting him. Before he recovers, Naruto is also pouncing on both of them, wrapping the two of them in his arms in a very tight hug. Sakura makes a noise as she gets squeezed between the two of them, but doesn’t tell him to stop. Naruto’s cheek hits Sasuke’s as he tries to be closer to him. Sasuke grunts from the force of two incredibly strong people squeezing the life out of him simultaneously.
“Did you have to make that so dramatic, Kakashi? Jeeze,” Naruto says, his cheek not leaving Sasuke’s.
“You guys might want to let him go before I have to explain to the council that he died anyway,” Kakashi heads into Sakura’s office, leaning against the desk. “Get him a seat,” Kakashi instructs.
Naruto and Sakura release Sasuke, who sighs. Sakura pulls him into the office while Naruto grabs the chair he had been using and moves it out for Sasuke to sit in. Sasuke hates being fussed over like this, scowling as he gets sat down in the chair. Kakashi puts his hand on the back of the chair while Sakura and Naruto wait in tense anticipation.
“So? What happened?! Come on!” Naruto can’t handle any more of this.
“They’re… forgiving me…” Sasuke’s voice is soft, tired.
“They are?” Naruto’s heart pounds. “Kakashi, really?”
“Well, with some conditions, but… he will be forgiven,” Kakashi nods.
Sasuke is despondent, staring blankly at nothing. The weight of all his sins resting squarely on his shoulders. No true punishment. Why? How can that be? Another thing he doesn’t understand.
“What are the conditions?” Sakura asks.
“Until he’s eighteen, he will be on probation and heavily monitored. He will have to live with a jounin mentor that will report Sasuke’s movements and behaviour to the Hokage every week. During this time, he won’t be allowed to leave the village, and he must at all times have a seal on him that allows us to track his location, and additionally will prevent him from using any of his chakra. He will be required to assist to the best of his abilities with the rebuilding effort of Konoha during this time. If, by his eighteenth birthday, he has satisfied these conditions, he will be allowed to go freely. However, he will never be allowed to work as a shinobi again and from today is officially denounced.” Kakashi recites the decision carefully.
Naruto and Sakura both blink at him for a moment. “Well, that’s… not so bad…” Sakura says gently, “You’re already seventeen, so it’s really only a few months.”
“What do you mean he’s living with a jounin?” Naruto asks. He had hoped that he could persuade Sasuke to come live with him, at least for a little while. “And he’s, what, banned from ninja work?”
“I mean me,” Kakashi said. “I’ll be held responsible for him. And yes, officially.”
“He’s gonna live with you?” Sakura makes a face.
“I don’t like it,” Naruto decides. “Any of it.”
Kakashi frowns at both of them, “Well, too bad, that’s what’s happening.”
Naruto scowls at him, but is happy overall. It’s not quite forgiveness, it’s forgiveness with a lot of strings attached but it’s something. He looks down to Sasuke, who is still staring at the floor, eyes half closed. “Is he okay?” Naruto’s tone shifts as he kneels down in front of Sasuke. “What did they do?”
“It was a long trial,” Kakashi answers with a non-answer. “I think it would be best if he stays here tonight so he can be checked on. We can worry about moving him once he’s cleared.”
“I should stay tonight too,” Naruto says, glancing at Kakashi.
“Naruto, you’ve been clear to go home for like, four days now,” Sakura sighs. “But it’s fine. I’m just… going to ask Kakashi a few things so I can look Sasuke over before he sleeps. Can you get him back to your room, Naruto?”
“Yeah, no problem,” he nods and stands, then considers Sasuke’s condition before he turns and kneels again. “I can carry you, come on.”
Sasuke sits up and frowns. His head is absolutely splitting apart. “I can walk,” he uses Naruto’s shoulder to stand upright and starts towards the door. Naruto follows closely, and quickly catches him by the waist when Sasuke’s step falters. Sakura watches them leave before turning to Kakashi, eyes hard and serious.
“I’m Sasuke’s doctor right now. You have to tell me. What did they do to him?” She demands.
Kakashi searches her face for a moment. “He’ll be okay, I promise. They used the eye-mind reading technique.”
“I knew it,” she grits her teeth. “And?”
“It… took a lot. There was a lot they needed from him to understand, and many of his memories were blocked. We didn’t want to hurt him, of course, so they had to take their time. We had to stop a few times… to let him calm down. It’s not a perfect technique, but we didn’t have many options if we wanted to be fair to him…”
Sakura’s brow is furrowed, she nods, wrapping her arms around herself again. “Yeah… that’s what I was afraid of…” she glances at the ceiling to blink back her tears, anxiety balling itself in her chest. “So he had to experience them?”
“I don’t think everything, but it does bring a lot to the surface… and with Sasuke, there was a lot.”
Sakura bites her lip and closes her eyes, squeezing her arms. “It’s really not fair how much they’ve had to go through… all of us, but them the most… Sasuke… how can they bring everything up like that and then wave him away?”
Kakashi sighs, “He’ll be staying with me… and I am hoping that you and Naruto will help him. The truth is that forgiving him is probably the harshest punishment for Sasuke they could have chosen. He has to bear the weight of his past alone.”
“Not alone,” Sakura corrects him. “We’ll take care of him. I honestly don’t think you could separate Naruto from him right now…”
Kakashi nods, “It’ll take time. Most wounds like this… they don’t really heal, anyway. You just learn how to live with them.”
***
“I told you I’m fine,” Sasuke grumbles into Naruto’s shoulder as he’s carried up the stairs on Naruto’s back. Naruto holds him up with one arm, jostling him higher when they reach the first landing.
“You couldn’t even open the door, I’m not waiting here while you climb the stairs. Ego,” Naruto replies, going up the next flight towards their room.
Sasuke blushes and holds on tightly across Naruto’s strong shoulders. He’s already pretty well back to normal, sans right arm. It’s irritating how fast he heals. Naruto kicks the door to their floor open, for lack of a better way to do it. “Could you do this in a more embarrassing way?!” Sasuke hisses, feeling the heat rise to his ears.
“Calm down, there’s almost no one here,” Naruto rolls his eyes.
Sasuke presses his burning face against Naruto’s shoulder, tensing as old memories broil to the front of his mind. Itachi used to carry him like this. His head pounds. It’s too much.
They finally arrive at their room and Naruto lowers Sasuke down onto his bed, then sits next to him with a sigh. Sasuke closes his eyes and rubs his forehead hard, chest tightening again. “Are you okay?” Naruto asks softly, turning on the bed to fully face Sasuke.
“No…” Sasuke replies, not moving. He stares half-lidded down at the floor. Every time he closes his eyes for some relief from his headache, another memory flashes across the back of his eyelids. Vivid. Not as vivid as when they were crawling through his memories; like he was living each one over again for a brief moment.
Naruto isn’t sure what to do, so he offers his hand to Sasuke. “I’ll be here with you tonight, and for as many nights as I need to. I can sleep on Kakashi’s floor.”
“It’s probably gross…” Sasuke softly jokes, placing his hand in Naruto’s. It feels natural.
Naruto squeezes his hand, “Eugh, yeah… but I’ll still do it. Okay? I’m here. You’re not alone, okay?”
Sasuke doesn’t reply. His chest is too tight and it’s already hard enough to breathe. Each thought just compounds on the last. The weight of everything he’s done, everything that was done to him and his family, and then nothing. You’ll be free to go. Nothing makes sense.
Naruto watches Sasuke’s face carefully, worry furrowing his brow. He could rip them apart for doing this to Sasuke. He could have gone instead. They could have looked at Naruto’s memories and seen what they needed to see. They didn’t need to do this to Sasuke, to leave him like this. Naruto shifts closer and puts his stump of an arm across Sasuke’s back and tries to hug him. He feels how tense Sasuke is; feels it in the way he’s squeezing Naruto’s hand. He still isn’t sure how to hug Sasuke best, it isn’t really something they’ve ever done before. He knows how to hit him, but not how to make him feel better right now.
The door clicks open and Sasuke’s hand immediately falls away from Naruto’s. Naruto straightens up as Sakura enters, holding her familiar clipboard. “Hey,” she says softly. “I won’t stay long. Sasuke, will you let me do something for the pain in your head?”
Sasuke considers for a moment, then nods. Sakura places her clipboard down on the table and steps over, exhaling to calm herself before she gently places her hands on Sasuke’s warm forehead. A soft green glow emits from her palms, slowly dragging them back across his head, then back to his face, over his temples and back to his forehead again. Sasuke relaxes in her hands, sighing as his headache ebbs away. She does a second run for good measure before removing her hands.
“Naruto, can I talk to you in the hall for a second?” she turns her attention, voice soft to not hurt Sasuke further.
“Oh, yeah, sure,” Naruto pushes himself up, glancing at Sasuke. “Be back,” he gives him a smile and follows Sakura out to the hall. She closes the door behind him. “What’s up?” Naruto asks, stepping aside with her, away from the door.
“Kakashi told me what they did…” her voice is strained, “I’m not very familiar with the technique they used. I’m going to look into it tonight, I have a few books and scrolls that might help and I’m going to go see Ino in the morning.”
“So you were right about the mind thing?” Naruto frowns, crossing his arms.
“Yeah…” she nods. “I think it was a lot for Sasuke… and since you’ll be with him tonight, just keep a close eye on him. He may have more panic attacks, or hurt himself, I’m just not sure yet. Hopefully I’ll know more by morning.”
Naruto nods, expression incredibly serious. “I’ll take care of him, I promise.”
“I know you will,” she offers a small smile. “Thank you, Naruto.”
“Make sure you get some sleep too, okay?” Naruto touches her arm gently.
“I haven’t really been sleeping lately…” she admits, hugging her clipboard to her chest.
“I’ve heard that’s been going around,” Naruto nods. “Try anyway.”
“You too,” she closes the distance between them and hugs Naruto tight for a few moments. Naruto hugs her back until she lets go; he never lets go first.
***
Naruto returns to the room, quietly closing the door behind himself. Sasuke hasn’t moved an inch, staring down at the ground. Naruto frowns to himself, he just promised Sakura he would take care of Sasuke but he doesn’t know where to even begin. He walks over and sits back beside Sasuke again, giving him his hand back. Sasuke takes it without a word.
“We can talk,” Naruto says, “But we don’t need to.”
Sasuke nods, squeezing his hand almost too tightly. Naruto doesn’t flinch. “I just… I wish I could understand…” Sasuke’s voice is soft, Naruto can barely hear him at first. “My whole life, I’ve just been trying to understand why… why did they have to die, why did he do it, why did I have to survive, why did this happen to me, just why, why, why… and I’ve ended up right back here. Why didn’t I die? Why can’t I just die?”
Naruto is careful to let Sasuke finish speaking, and careful to think through what he says before he speaks. “I don’t have an answer for you… sometimes it kills you, but sometimes it doesn’t… I don’t really know how I’m alive, or why so many people had to die… there isn’t any sense to it. You just have to carry it with you.”
Sasuke tenses, tears slipping silently down his face again; he’s surprised he has anything left. “Is that my punishment?”
“No,” Naruto shifts close again and hugs Sasuke, squeezing his hand back. “We all carry it. Everyone alive has to carry grief with them, that’s just… how being alive works. And you don’t have to carry it alone. That’s why it’s good to keep going if you can, you find places to put it down. You can put it down with me, Sasuke. All of it.”
Sasuke feels so tired, he finds himself leaning against Naruto. “Y’know,” Naruto continues, “I think someone told me one time that grief is what love turns into when it has nowhere to go anymore. So if you feel full of grief, you’re really just full of love that can’t get out yet… I don’t know if that helps…”
It doesn’t really. The weight inside Sasuke’s chest is the same. But somehow Naruto gluing himself to his side, Sakura spending so much time and care to help, Kakashi opening his home to Sasuke rather than letting a stranger watch over him… the weight feels a little less cold.
“You should try to sleep,” Naruto says gently, “I’ll get your favourite breakfast tomorrow morning. You like that tomato thing, right?”
Sasuke almost smiles at Naruto remembering something from so long ago. “Sure,” he nods, shifting back on his bed. A thought occurs to Naruto, something that could help; Naruto climbs up beside him and starts to tuck both of them into bed. Sasuke blushes, “What are you doing, idiot?” The insult comes involuntarily.
“Don’t be weird about it,” Naruto adjusts, laying down on his side and forcing Sasuke down. Sasuke grunts. Unfair that he isn’t strong again yet and Naruto is basically normal, and insanely strong.
“Me being weird?!” Sasuke scowls.
“Yeah,” Naruto ignores him and puts his good arm around Sasuke’s shoulders, yanking him in. Sasuke struggles, nudging Naruto’s chest.
“You don’t have to sleep with me, weirdo,” Sasuke’s face is hot just saying that out loud.
“Just relax,” Naruto insists, ignoring his protests. “We used to share a futon when we were kids like all the time.”
“Not that often,” Sasuke scowls.
“Well, when we did, I always slept better,” Naruto counters with complete sincerity.
An unfair and disarming tactic. Sasuke frowns, but stops arguing. He also slept pretty well whenever he slept next to Naruto. Sasuke decidedly gives up and shifts to be more comfortable, resting his forehead against Naruto’s chest. This is too much. He feels Naruto sigh and stares ahead for a minute, reluctant to admit to himself that the weight of Naruto’s arm and the warmth of his body is actually helping.
“You’re so stupid…” Sasuke mutters, mostly to himself, to save face.
“Yeah, yeah,” Naruto replies, unmoving.
Sasuke relaxes slowly, blushing every time Naruto’s legs touch his own. They’re fully clothed and barely under the blanket, this shouldn’t feel nearly so embarrassing. Naruto is right, they did share a futon many times when they were still Team 7; but not like this, not with Sasuke cradled against Naruto’s annoyingly impressive physique.
He wonders though, as he lays trapped against Naruto’s chest – though trapped is a strong word – if the ANBU they brought in to comb through his memories really saw everything.
Did he see the flashes of Sasuke’s very unfortunate first kiss? Does he know that was Sasuke’s only kiss? Did he tell the council about the way Sasuke’s heart ached every time he saw Naruto again? Did they see Naruto the way Sasuke does? Did they find out how much he missed Naruto? Did they have to discuss how often Sasuke has thought about kissing this idiot? Did they take into account how much Sasuke loves him?
Mercifully, sleep takes Sasuke before he has to think too much about it. He does sleep better.