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Izuku grumbled over a stack of horrifically sugary pancakes at the dining table as his dad went back and forth around the space, preparing to leave the house and head over to UA at the unholy hour that teachers were expected to arrive.
He ruffled his grumpy kid’s hair absentmindedly as he passed behind him to grab his portable cup of coffee from the kitchen bench.
“You can’t make me do it.” Izuku muttered petulantly.
He received a deep sigh in return as his dad wrapped his capture weapon around his neck. “No, I can’t make you. What I can do is give you a failing grade and restrict your unholy amounts of sugary foods.”
Izuku let out a dramatic gasp of betrayal. He wouldn’t dare touch his sugar stash.
“I’m gonna put gummy bears in your coffee.” He declared as he materialised a packet of gummy bears and poured them over his pancakes. His dad’s returning stink-eye was glorious.
“I’d like to see you fucking try.” He hissed, and took a long sip of his current cup of coffee for good measure. “You’re doing the Hell Test.”
Izuku whined in complaint. The Hell Test™ was dad’s sadistic rite of passage for first year hero students, after he experienced it himself with Nezu as his homeroom teacher.
It used to be a wonderful medium for family bonding. They would snuggle together on the couch, notepads over fluffy blankets, and put the day’s footage on the TV where they would then proceed to absolutely destroy all of his students with feral glee.
Someone screeched when they reached the dark room with bats? As a hero, you had to expect the unexpected. Always be ready for hundreds of glowing eyes to watch your every move.
Someone tripped on the flower trap? Their fault for not expecting that the flowers were out to get them. The flowers are always out to get you.
Someone went crazy from the continued evil laughter that got louder and louder the more they progressed into the assessment? Their fault for not considering that the voices in their head would silence in the Hell Arena. They certainly won’t stop when you’re on active hero duty.
It’s just preparing them for the future.
But this year, it was Izuku’s turn. And his friends. Well, nothing stopped him from finding feral glee in their… mishaps, and he couldn’t wait to see how some of the more vocal of his classmates reacted to whatever the Hell Test would feature this year, but the family tradition would be ruined as his dad would show no mercy and mark Izuku himself on the spot. Anything he’s said about past students could come back to bite him today, and he was not looking forward to it.
Not to mention, his dad held the record for highest mark ever. But he was also one of the best heroes ever so-
Izuku grumbled again, before eyeing the half-eaten pile of pancakes with ungodly amounts of syrup and gummy bears.
“Okay, but what if on my way to school a white van pulls up and some guy goes ‘hey kid, ya want some candy’ and you know I can sniff sugar from the next country over so I can verify that they’re telling the truth so I know it’s safe to get in the van and-”
Izuku was interrupted as his dad picked up his keys in a way that would make the most noise to stop his tirade.
“Kid.” He said, so very tiredly. Whoops. Perhaps Izuku was being just a tad too irritating for ungodly-o’clock-AM. “That doesn’t actually happen. Just don’t drag your feet on your way to UA and be on time for homeroom.” He narrowed his eyes at his son for effect. “You won’t like what happens to your sugar stash otherwise.”
And with that, the front door closed behind his dad, and Izuku was left alone in the apartment for a bit.
He let out a morose sigh. Welp. Time to get ready for school.
Izuku did indeed drag his feet with every step he took, approaching UA at an absolute snail’s pace.
“Taking away my sugar stash.” Izuku grumbled. “This is child abuse. The Hell Test is child abuse. I’ll show him dad abuse when I hide his favourite pair of fluffy socks, he better watch out-”
Izuku was suddenly pulled out of his grumpy state as an obnoxious screech of tires sounded right next to him.
No… no way. This was too good to be true
The sun highlighted the most beautiful sight to have ever graced Izuku’s eyes.
It was a slightly dusty, but pristine in Izuku’s (clearly unbiased) eyes, white van.
There was only one thing that would make it truly worthy of the angelic aura it was emitting. Izuku sniffed the air. A faint whiff of something distinctly sugary. Excellent.
A guy opened the side door. “Hey kid, wanna come in? We’ve got-”
Izuku didn’t even let him finish. He was already in the van behind the door guy, who did a double take and stumbled on the spot. “Wha- um… huh?”
“Where is it.” Izuku demanded instead of asked.
“Where’s… what? Kid this is obviously a kidnapping-” Door guy said.
“I know.” Izuku poked around the van ignoring the five black-clad people staring at him in shock. “Dad can’t hide my sugar stash for not doing the test if it’s not my sugar stash. I get sugar and no test. Win win.” His eyes flashed toxic green as he glowered at the guy still standing dumbly at the van’s door. “Where is my sugar.”
While they cowered silently, Izuku glanced out the windscreen of the van and grimaced. It was too close to UA. His dad would hunt him down in no time. He wouldn’t even be able to eat half of the candy stash somewhere in the van.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Izuku snapped. “This is a kidnapping right? Close the door and go, go, go! You don’t want the heroes to catch you before you’ve even taken me to your primary location do you?”
The two at the front shared a panicked look, and the one at the driver’s seat slammed the accelerator.
The other three people all in the back with him fell over from the force (where were the back seats?) but Izuku remained standing perfectly still, arms folded like a scolding mother. He slammed the side door himself as the rest of his kidnappers rendered themselves a useless pile on the floor.
Izuku glanced out the back window again. UA was getting smaller by the second. Perfect.
With how uncoordinated these guys were, he basically had to orchestrate his own kidnapping, but honestly, that suited him. If they listened to him, then he could find a way to make sure he was gone for the whole day.
Honestly, he felt kind of bad for them. He should teach them how to kidnap people properly so that when he has another test they can take him again! It’s not endangering other people, it’s investing so that he has an out in the future. A perfectly flawless plan.
“Alright.” Izuku wandered over to stand in front of the three who were now sitting on the floor on the back of the van, holding their heads like they’d been hit. Amateurs, the lot of them.
Izuku procured a large whiteboard, and a glittery rainbow stick. The white board already had “Kidnapping 101” in bold letters written on it. “It’s time for school.” He grinned deviously at the three on the ground.
They could only gape at him. He whipped around to glare at the two in the front seats as he felt their eyes on him too. “Hey, eyes on the road!”
The one driving did indeed turn their eyes back to the road, but the person in the passenger seat seemed to find their voice. They narrowed their very bright eyes at him, he wondered if they had a night vision aspect to their quirk- “Hey kid, we’re the one kidnapping you, so you better-”
Izuku jabbed the end of the pointer stick into a pressure point and they flopped, unconscious, where they sat.
He then turned back to his three students at the back of the van now all quaking in their boots, and tapped the words on the board. “Welcome to kidnapping 101, the ultimate crash course, hosted by yours truly.” His grin was tinged with madness.
“Did he just knock Leader out with a rainbow pointer stick-” A voice quivered.
What kind of shitty name was Leader? Izuku steamrolled over them because he didn’t have time to think about kidnapping politics when they couldn’t even kidnap right.
“Today we’re going to cover what kind of sweets you need stored in your van to lure in the most discerning citizens, as the ones who have this knowledge have the most value to society and can subsequently be ransomed for the most money. Any questions before we begin?”
The three shared horrified glances at each other, then looked back at him.
The only person Izuku hadn’t heard say anything yet out of the three in the back meekly put his hand up. Izuku nodded at him, permitting him to speak.
“Where the fuck did that whiteboard come from?”
Izuku grinned, all teeth. The kidnappers were already scared, but if they had been a bit deeper in the criminal underground, they would have recognised the smile of a certain underground hero, and known that there was absolutely no way they were getting out of this.
Unfortunately for them, they didn’t know whose child, exactly, they’d kidnapped. All they knew was that maybe they could convince the kid in front of them to spare their souls if they disclosed where the candy stash in the van was.
Izuku cackled. They paled.
Their own Hell Test was just beginning.
Shota had finished the preparations for this year’s Hell Test right on schedule, and sluggishly entered his class, ready to begin homeroom for the day, and put the fear of god into his students.
“Alright hellions, today we’re going to-”
“Um… Sensei?”
Shota’s eyes snapped into a terrifying glare at Mineta, who let out a shriek at his gaze. Why was Mineta still in his class again?
Mineta stuttered horribly, and the rest of the class winced at the dangerous attention he held.
“M-Mi-Midoriya isn’t here yet.”
A dark aura surrounded their teacher, and bright red eyes pierced through his deathly visage.
“What.”
The class paled dramatically.
“Oh shit.” Kaminari whispered. “He mad.”
Mineta started sobbing.
Their teacher actually growled. “I warned him.”
Then he stormed out of the room, phone in hand, furiously dialing a number.
The class remained still, frozen in fear.
“Shit.” Jirou sounded. “Midoriya’s doomed.”
They shared horrified glances. Just what had Midoriya done to get that reaction out of their teacher?
Only one student looked relatively at peace. Midoriya (Aizawa) Izuku’s best friend in the whole entire world.
“...so to summarise, make sure your van is loaded with gummy bears, sherbert, assorted hard candy and three bags of raw sugar to begin a standard kidnapping.”
Izuku’s three students stared at him in a daze.
“Um, kid?”
Izuku turned to the kidnapper in the driver’s seat. “Yes?”
“Have… have I driven far enough?”
Izuku smiled patiently. The driver shivered. It was not a safe expression.
“We already went over this, do you think you can remember our lesson for us?” Izuku implored, like he would a three-year old.
“Um…” The driver’s grip on the steering wheel tightened minutely. “If you see signs of a hero, it’s time to go go?” He guessed hopefully.
Izuku hummed. “Not quite, but very close. You need to keep go go going until…”
The driver ahed in realisation. “Until it starts snow snow snowing.” He grinned proudly at himself.
Izuku beamed. “Very good! Do you remember why that is?”
The driver did a small happy wiggle at the approval. “Because it hides the sugar that spills from the kidnappee raiding the stash!”
Izuku clapped. “Excellent work! You graduate!”
“Yippee!” The driver whispered to themselves. They happily settled in to drive for the next two months straight, not seeing the fault in the logic at all. That’s because there was no fault. Obviously.
His other three students looked at him hopefully.
“Do we get to graduate too?” Door guy asked.
Izuku hummed. “You guys have one final test!”
“Oh. What is it?”
“Answering ransom calls!” He cheered.
As if waiting for a cue, Izuku’s phone rang.
“Oh look, it’s my dad.” He tossed his phone to door guy. “Time for your final assessment to begin!”
Door guy stared dumbfoundedly at Izuku’s vibrating phone, the other two leaning over his shoulder to see the screen.
“Um… sensei,” door guy furrowed his brows, “isn’t it too soon? We only just learned about ransom calls.”
Izuku smiled brightly. “I believe the best experience comes from learning on the job.”
“Oh. Okay.” And he answered the phone.
One of the other kidnappers gestured quickly for door guy to put it on speaker so they could all hear.
The phone made a demonic growling sound, and the three kidnappers looked up at Izuku worriedly. He gave them an encouraging smile.
“Aizawa Izuku.” The demon growled.
Izuku’s smile faltered slightly. Uh oh. Full name.
The three kidnappers who were looking to him for guidance panicked slightly at the shift in Izuku’s demeanour. Izuku quickly shook himself out of it and mouthed “Remember step one of ransom calls.”
Door guy’s panicked expression shifted into tentative determination.
“Uh, hello good sir, my name is Carl and I’m here to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.” Door guy- Carl- looked up at Izuku hopefully, and got a bright thumbs up in return.
There was a sound of static on the other side of the call. “...What?”
Izuku was only slightly panicked. “Step two.” He mouthed quickly.
“You need to pay a sum of fifty- uh,” He desperately looked up to Izuku for guidance, but Izuku shook his head. This was their test, not his.
“Fifty-hundred-thousand yen!” One of the other kidnappers quickly whispered to him.
Door guy nodded quickly. “Right- uh, pay a sum of fifty-hundred-thousand yen and we’ll send your son back in 24 hours with the fixed warranty and five bags of sugar.”
Izuku nodded proudly. They were doing so well!
The resulting sigh that got out of his dad was heavier than both of their eyebags combined. (It was very heavy.)
“I swear to fucking god, this cannot be happening.” The three kidnappers shared an uncertain look. The conversation wasn’t going exactly as planned. “Please don’t tell me you approached a feral green kid who carries a giant whiteboard and a sparkly rainbow pointer stick in a pocket dimension with a white van that has no back seats and a secret sugar stash under the front passenger seat.”
The three paled. “Um… is your dad psychic? Does he know where we are?” He breathed, only slightly (very) terrified of the demon dad.
But Izuku wasn’t paying attention. The location of the sugar had been revealed. Of course, with Izuku’s superior sugar senses, he could have located it in an instant, but he’d been a bit distracted.
He reached over the unconscious one in the front seat, who began to stir as Izuku searched the seat with no regard for their personal space.
They came to. They grappled a bit at Izuku who was leaning over them and blocking their face before snapping at his three students in the back. “You three! Why is he not tied up?!”
They then caught sight of their surroundings out the front window and screeched. “Aoi, why are you driving East? Our warehouse is in the West! Are you all fucking idiots or what?”
They continued to try and push Izuku off of them as he pulled out bag after bag of various lollies from under the seat.
“Um… Leader…” Door guy said, politely covering the speaker of the phone. “We’re on a ransom call right now. If you paid attention to Sensei you would know it’s very rude to talk over us.”
“Yeah!” the driver- Aoi- chimed in. “And I already graduated kidnapping school and you haven’t, so I think I know a bit better.” She added happily. “Sensei said that the base is wherever our heart says, but of course, we only reach it after we keep go go going until it starts snow snow snowing.”
Leader howled in fury and began to activate some sort of claw quirk, but before they could do anything, Izuku made a triumphant sound and knocked them out with his elbow as he finally dislodged the large bag of gummy snakes.
“Aizawa. Izuku.”
Izuku froze.
“I can smell the sugar stash in the van. I will be there in three. minutes. If I find a single piece of evidence that you ate any sugar at all during that time, you can say bye to more than just your personal stash.”
“Oh shit.” One of the kidnappers in the back whispered.
“He mad.” The other finished.
Door guy screamed.
The driver shook. “Do… do I keep driving?”
Izuku shook his head morosely.
“Final lesson. Knowing when a kidnappee’s parent’s sugar sense is stronger than their own.” He looked off into the distance with haunted eyes. “It’s too late for us.”
One of the students in the back let out a sorrowful wail. “We never got to graduate kidnapping school!”
Izuku just shook his head again sadly.
Two minutes, and fifty-nine-point-nine seconds after Izuku’s dad had said he’d be there in three minutes, the door to the van went flying.
“Um, sir, it’s a sliding door-” Door guy shrieked as he was promptly wrapped up in a capture weapon.
Izuku met his dad’s hard stare with a nervous smile. “School. Now.”
Izuku nyoomed out of the van. “Hah, yes, school. I’ll be there. In time for the hell test. Yaaaay.” He finished, weakly.
A shiver went up his spine, and he turned to face his dad who had his quirk activated and a dark aura around him.
“Drop it.” His dad demanded.
Izuku didn’t even fight it. He dropped the giant bag of snake gummies.
“School. Now. If you get there before homeroom ends, you can keep the snake gummies.”
…Izuku loves his dad so much.
“Yes sir! He saluted, and sped off to UA, leaving a cloud of dust behind him.”
One of the kidnappers who had been in the back whistled. “That’s an impressive speed quirk.”
They found themself tangled up with Door guy, and instantly regretted drawing attention to himself.
“Izuku with a quirk.” The demon dad muttered under his breath. “He wishes. He’d just use it to take over all the candy factories with no regard for the rest of us.” He grumbled.
Look, the man didn’t exactly want gummy bears in his coffee, but Izuku got his habits from somewhere. He was just better at hiding it.
The kidnappers deflated at the familiar toothy grin. “And as for you lot, police time.”
“I knew I should have been a party princess instead.”
Demon dad just gave them an odd look.
And so, Aizawa Izuku sat, perfectly in his seat, two minutes before homeroom was due to end, looking nothing less than a model UA student.
At the end of the day, he mused peacefully, maybe the Hell Test wouldn’t be so bad. Teaching others had taught him something very important. Something he’d overlooked with years of hell class marking tradition.
His logic was perfect.
Izuku was built to be the very best version of himself that he could be.
He’d studied for the Hell Test all his life, just by existing.
And most importantly- he grinned as he violently pulled the head off the gummy snake and chewed it loudly in the silent class room- he had fuel.
If only his classmates had the same sugar sense he did. Well, maybe one, his best friend in the whole world did.
He looked back, and shared a solemn nod with Sato. He too, had pockets full of sugary snacks.
His dad walked in with a feral grin, thirteen seconds before homeroom was about to end, ready to demolish any hope the majority of the hellions had, and to not answer any questions about where he, or Izuku had been.
As the class freaked out over the surprise test, Izuku suddenly remembered that his dad, too, always had some sugar (for coffee, and the occasional snack) in his pockets. Izuku had more. He was coming for that Hell Test record.
And tonight’s annual tradition would be met with feral grins as Izuku (and Sato) demolished the test, while the rest of his classmates cried.
Izuku and his dad would cackle for hours. He couldn’t wait.