Chapter Text
The contract was coming to an end. To be honest, it had expired a few months ago, but for Yejun it had passed without a blink of an eye. Every day he went to the university he had planned, in the evenings he studied driving with his uncle /on the car he had given him beforehand/, and on weekends he returned home.
Except now they had to alternate not twice, but three times - Youngmin had done his best to get Yejun into his company. He had done so well that Yejun wondered how he had lived without all these people around.
Then, having made sure that Yejun was completely comfortable, he disappeared. I mean, not for good, but from their time together. He was perfectly fine, just didn't want to go anywhere he was offered. As Seungyeop says, “he was afraid of ruining everyone's mood.” With what, the story was silent, but Oh guessed.
Yet Yejun did not worry about it. It wasn't a fateful meeting that would intertwine their lives for the rest of them. It wasn't romantic, making their hearts beat in unison. It wasn't even one that bound traumatized souls together and healed them.
It was just a meeting, at that moment, necessary for both of them. Or maybe only Yejun.
“Which one of you is the noisiest?” Oh asked his passengers one day. He drove the car by common decision, and no one else could do it anyway. Eventually there was nothing to talk about, and the guy decided to ask about something strange but curious. He always took moments like this to get to know his friends better.
“He's not among us right now,” Seungyeop answered readily. Yejun arched an eyebrow incredulously, remembering all their previous trips. “Youngmin, no doubt.”
"He used to be. And to put it in the context of the past, another friend of ours that you haven't met," Choi In added, whereupon he and Seungyeop silently glanced at each other.
“...Yes. They were the only ones who had driver's licenses and always entertained each other during their trips.”
“And when Yongseop drove us once in a while and they were both passengers, there was a cackling noise all over Korea.”
“They were impossible to tame, really.”
“I want to take up butterfly breeding.” brown eyes examining his reflection in the side mirror, stopping at the tattoo under right collarbone.
"Another hobby? How many do you plan on changing?" long fingers tap the steering wheel to the beat of muffled music.
The answer is pondered for quite some time. Only to give it at the end:
“As much as it takes to drive you crazy.”
“But I'm already crazy about you, what's the point?”
“Hahaha!”
“Ew, you guys are so cute.”
“Thanks!”
Yejun doubted it, but not that he didn't believe it at all. His opinion of Youngmin was limited to the first meeting and some moments afterward, and all of them were aimed at "saving" him, so it's not surprising that only words like kind, patient, and calm came to mind. And it makes sense that people reveal themselves differently depending on the environment around them, and Youngmin's reckless fun-loving personality could easily coexist with the image of a hero built up in Yejun's mind.
In any case, Yejun didn't have to guess for long, because soon Youngmin agreed to go with them for the first time. He didn't ask where, but it didn't matter. Nature, a picnic, a vacation. That was all that mattered.
Youngmin took the seat next to him, since it was the one that always remained empty. He asked if Yejun wanted to take a break from the burden of driving, to which the younger man shook his head negatively.
“When I'm driving, I rest.”
"Okay. But if you change your mind, just say so."
“I will.”
“Shall we put on some music?” slamming the door loudly and not at all softly landing in his seat, In asked. He was incredibly enthusiastic about the long-awaited reunion of the old company. Yejun and Youngmin smiled, infectious with the older one's spirit. “So, who has the best playlists on their phone?”
“Dibs on mine,” Youngmin said. In looked at him indignantly. “I don't have enough charge.”
“Don't worry, I've got almost a full one,” Seungyeop held out his smartphone to the front seats and Oh took it away to plug it into the player.
“I've always wanted to ride under the trot*.”
“Choi Youngmin, you should have shown some respect in front of your elders!” In stood up for his friend. “Pponchak** is more correct.”
Yejun laughed unrestrainedly, immediately smacking his lips and looking guiltily back at Seungyeop.
The laughter had now taken over the entire cabin.
They had about two hours to drive, and Yejun was grateful that his leisure time wasn't limited to watching the white streaks disappearing under the car one by one.
Seungyeop 's playlist was too good, and it was simply impossible not to sing along. Certainly not for Youngmin.
The blond guy didn't look weird in any way. I mean, Oh absolutely certainly didn't find any reason to be worried about him. He just sat there, quietly sharing in the general merriment, looking out the window and bobbing his head to the beat of the music.
And then they drove out to a field of sunflowers.
It happened so abruptly and unexpectedly - the solid trees suddenly disappeared - that there was no way to hedge and prepare. And it was very beautiful. Extremely.
The sun was shining on the left side of the road, and the field was on the right. So all the sunflowers - every single one of them - were turned toward them. Yellow, bright, big, beautiful. Like a thousand - and that's how many, if not more, were sticking out of the ground - little lights.
“Wow,” exhaled someone behind him, probably nestled against the window and absorbing the picture with his retinas. Yejun wished he could, too. But he could only afford the briefest periods of admiration, during which he invariably clung to Youngmin.
Nothing. Just as he had all the way up to this point. From the outside, it might even seem as if he were enjoying. As if his gaze was directed not through, but at each of the flowers, not neglecting a single one.
But unfortunately, Seungyeop and Choi In had told him that Youngmin was actually a company soul who couldn't keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately, Youngmin tells him that he no longer finds nature attractive.
Still, Yejun wasn't worried because it's normal for people to grow up and change.
It wasn't long before they reached their destination. Yejun politely asked Choi In to be the cameraman and take the most beautiful views, to which he cheerfully announced that he'd been doing it for the past thirty minutes.
Oh smiled relaxedly. Not that he was going to revisit all this material, but preserving his memories was now of great importance to him.
“You forgot to press the record button,” Seungyeop informed him bluntly and cruelly, shattering the idyll that had formed.
“No way,” startled In, checking the phone's gallery. “No, well at least I should have shot something,” Yejun could hear the furious tapping of fingers against the screen and quiet pleading. The older man seemed to go through all five stages of acceptance before he relented and reached out. “Damn, really nothing...”
“Come on, don't feel bad, we'll make up for it on the next trip,” amused as Seungyeop, who was the cause of the spoiled mood, was now trying to make up for it.
"But it's not about us! At least we saw everything with our own eyes, and Yejun was left with nothing," Choi In said disappointedly.
Just as Oh opened his mouth to reassure his friends that he'd had enough of those moments when he could take his eyes off the road, something black and shiny appeared ahead.
Sprawled across the right lane was a long and woolly .... snake?
Yejun slammed on the brakes. His nose almost touched the steering wheel, and there were surprised gasps from behind, but everyone seemed to be all right, for the Yejun had made them fasten their seatbelts at the start of the trip.
Oh looked closely at the monstrosity that had caused his friends discomfort, and found a narrow piece of tire unfortunate enough to be seen from a distance.
Yejun pressed his lips together and started to turn toward the others, but Youngmin was ahead of him, also devoting a few moments to scrutinizing the object on the road.
“Aisch,” he exhaled irritably. “Well you're on as usual, Sunwoo.”
Silence engulfed the cabin at the snap of the fingers. Oppressive, anxious, awkward.
Their gazes met, and it was then that Youngmin realized what he had said. A hurricane of emotions swept across his face: fear, confusion, regret.
“I'm sorry,” he blurted out, immediately giving In and Seungyeop a quick glance. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just... God, I... I'm sorry."
“It's okay,” Yejun hastened to assure, touching Youngmin's shoulder. “Really, you don't need to apologize.”
He wanted to say something else, but he didn't know what. What words would a person need in a situation like this? How was it even possible to be in a situation like this, where the one who was hurt the most was apologizing as if he wasn't the victim? The younger man hesitated, pulling away from the blond, and just watched him sit back down, unable to look away.
Seungyeop said instead. Calmly, without reproach, but so disarming and poignant.
“It's been a long time since you've traveled with us, Youngmin-ah.”
Youngmin didn't answer.
“They were dating?”
One day, Yejun couldn't take it anymore. He told his friends that he knew the history of their company and that there was no reason for them to act so awkwardly when discussing the old days. And then they allowed him to ask questions. And Yejun asked, even though it was a past that absolutely did not concern him.
"Yes...? No..? I don't know," Seungyeop shrugged, trying to answer as honestly as he could. "No one has officially stated anything, but Youngmin treated him special. He was more precious to him than anyone else. More precious than any of us. It wasn't because we weren't good friends. We just weren't capable of reaching that level."
A year ago, standing on the bridge, Yejun thought the weather was at its peak, but he seemed to have completely underestimated it. Day after day, accompanying his struggles, deteriorating condition and depression, nature became more and more beautiful. And perhaps it was the realization that he could notice it, could admire it, that gave him hope that all was not yet lost. It gave him strength and energy, which the simplest things were taking away.
Yejun turned around, glancing around at their small company, which also wouldn't be there if he'd realized what he'd planned a year ago. Seungyeop was gathering branches for a fire while wandering between the trees, Choi In had set up the place they would spend the next couple hours, and Youngmin was lying on the grass, blissfully covering his eyes and listening to the sound of the leaves.
''It will be sad if my place starts to be empty one day. So I hope you..."
"Shut up, please."
He wondered what they were thinking, if they were thinking anything at all. And whether those thoughts had to do with the present, with the past, with the future. With problems or with pleasure. Are some of them, like Yejun himself, asking questions that either have no answers or are too heavy to bear? Do any of them regret the past? What could they possibly regret? People say so many different things to each other that it's impossible to know what coloring they'll end up with.
“I just wanted to say that I hope someone nice will take it over sooner or later.”
"That's enough. You're not gonna die, Sunwoo.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Yejun finished looking around in an attempt to memorize every detail and finally approached Choi In.
“Are you sure you want to waste a precious opportunity on me?”
In raised his head at Oh and smiled, noticing his confusion. Yejun threw a quick glance at his blond friend lying far away from their camp.
“I can help Seungyeop,” he offered. "What do you need to gather? Branches, dry grass, pinecones?"
“Yes, just that,” In nodded, but before Yejun could take a step to the side, he said: "Or you can do what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting to talk."
Yejun faded his gaze, not thinking it was so obvious, but he couldn't hold back his curiosity for long.
“Have you talked?”
“More like tried,” Choi grinned, finishing sorting through his food. "But we never could figure out which side to approach it from. Sometimes we said unnecessary things - I'm still terribly ashamed of myself for showing care in that way. I think it's because we've never really been in his shoes."
“Then what's the point?” asked Yejun disappointedly.
“To try,” In glanced at him, twitching his eyebrows encouragingly. "Our words have met resistance, but he's already spoken to you once. And saved you. Who knows, maybe that's why he'll let you save him."
He never felt uncomfortable around Youngmin. Firstly because he felt it with everyone, and secondly because Choi was the kind of passerby to whom it was easy to tell all your secrets and worries, and since then Yejun could never pretend in front of him.
However, now, slowly lowering himself to the ground beside him and leaning his back against the tree, Oh was more worried than ever.
Perhaps he still wouldn't have dared to start a conversation for fear of scaring off Youngmin's comfort if he hadn't started it himself.
“So, how are you doing?” the boy inquired without opening his eyes. Yejun flinched, not expecting to have to talk about himself.
“I'm fine,” he spat out on duty, but the revelations poured out of him again as if Youngmin always had a remote in his pocket. "You know, I'm seeing a therapist now. It'll be six months soon. He prescribed me antidepressants."
“Does it help?”
“As you can see, I'm still here even though our contract has expired,” Yejun smiled crookedly. "And seriously, I can see improvement. I finally have a desire for something. And now I love creating memories."
“I'm glad,” Youngmin's response was too quick and direct. Perhaps he noticed it too, from which he added: "Really glad, Yejun. Honestly, you're much stronger than I thought. Well done."
Oh lifted the corners of his lips gratefully. He took a deep breath and coughed awkwardly.
"What... about you?"
"Me? I've always been fine."
Yejun frowned in sudden irritation. Something in his head was rewiring again.
“Oh, surely?”
Youngmin finally opened his eyes, glancing skeptically at the younger man.
“Then can I ask you frank questions and you give frank answers?”
The reluctance read so clearly in him that it was as if Yejun heard a non-verbal “Fuck off.” But Youngmin had nowhere to hide, and that was Oh's advantage.
“Okay, I guess you can't think of a better place to do this,” he stretched out eventually. Yejun pressed his lips together, quickly constructing sentences in his head, because something told him he only had one shot at this.
"From what hyungs said, you were different before. Completely different. And those changes actually have nothing to do with age, right?"
“Age, Yejun,” Youngmin sighed sweetly. “It's just numbers changing too fast.”
“Then what's the reason?”
"Do I really have to say it? You already know," Choi lost all his energy on maintaining his mask, and Yejun realized that he was afraid for a reason. He'd never faced this kind of Youngmin before. But he wasn't going to back down.
“Today will be the right time to say even the most obvious things out loud.”
"Alright. The reason is Sunwoo's loss," the name of a man Yejun had never met sounded so reverent every time that his heart involuntarily sank.
"He was your friend?"
"He was, and that's all that matters."
Yejun swallowed, not understanding why it affected him so much every time. Someone else's fate, someone else's feelings, someone else's names. There was no point in pulling any longer. He whispered:
“What's it like?”
Youngmin had never looked so serious. So tired and detached. His eyes roamed the blue sky above their heads, but not a speck of daylight reflected in them. Yejun held his breath.
“Hmm, well...” Choi grinned completely inappropriately. "It's like cutting off a someone's ears and then turning on the most beautiful music in hopes that they'll appreciate it. It's like plucking out a someone's eyes and then showing him the best artworks. Like killing something most important in him that made him not just exist on this worthless planet, and then carrying on as if nothing ever happened."
Choi thought for a moment, trying to find a more succinct and easy-to-understand description.
“It's like I can't breathe properly.”
“How do you deal with it?”
“Dealing with it...” Youngmin repeated slowly, as if rolling the word around on his tongue, trying to understand its meaning and significance, and then fell silent without answering anything to the waiting Yejun.
"You... have you tried to seek help?"
“You mean a therapist?”
“Yes.”
"I went to one for a year. I realized it was useless, so I stopped the day before I met you. If I hadn't stopped, you wouldn't be here," Youngmin looked into his eyes. “Told you life is stupid, but it keeps the balance.”
"No, you said it's unfair."
"Same thing."
It doesn't seem so to Yejun, but he remains silent, immersed in the memory of their meeting. He was in a critical state then, on the edge of his powers, not wanting or seeing the point of anything. But the blond guy in the green sleeveless shirt had fallen off his bike to stop him, taking him to a café and feeding him, demanding nothing in return but conversation. About anything. And then shared about himself, simply because he noticed potential in Yejun. Simply because, unlike him, he saw a way out.
And now here they are, in the woods, with great company and grand plans. Except their story isn't finished. It seems it's not over yet. It seems that Oh still owes him a debt. And Yejun wants to pay it back.
“Hyung, do you want to reset the contract?”
Yejun watches as surprise appears on Youngmin's face and quickly dissolves.
“Only this time we'll perform it together,” Oh lights up with the hope that he may have found the key to the solution. He is so eager to take the first small step to the other, more welcoming side of existence. Walking hand in hand with his savior will be much easier and more pleasant. "The terms are the same - a year of life. But the meaning is a little different. We will promise to live as if fate's tripe were nothing to us. As if the past has made us stronger, and we can roll mountains, enjoying every moment. And, who knows, maybe that's what it will become in the end."
Youngmin listened to him intently. Like he's never listened to anyone before. He closes his eyes again, as if imagining all the possibilities before them.
And Youngmin feels like it. He wants to get out of bed, smiling at the new day, to travel around the world with his friends, wondering where the road will lead them. He wants to hang pictures of nature, friends and himself around the house like before. He wants to fill his calendar with colorful marks, so that not a single day is wasted. He wants to live, to burn, to love.
But Youngmin refuses.