Chapter Text
Bobby was sick. He was on the other side of the glass, and he was sick.
“I love you, kid.”
But if he really loved him, then why was he not fighting? What happened to ‘ there is not a locked room anywhere that enough time and the right tools, you can’t break into ’? Was he just going to leave them? Leave him? Just like that? Buck thought he was doing better, maybe not. He knew that Athena was coming, would Bobby let her watch her husband die? Suddenly, Buck felt empty. If Bobby didn’t want to fight for himself, then Buck would.
“Fine,” he said with a calm tone that surprised Bobby and himself, too. “You don’t want to fight?”
Bobby looked at him, sadness and resolution in his eyes. “Buck, there’s no time.”
“BULLSHIT!” His scream made Bibby jump. “No time? You still have time, you’re not as advanced as Chim! So either you open this fucking door, or I’ll make you!” He ended his sentence, slamming his fist against the glass.
“Buck-”
“No! Don’t. You don’t have the right to use your captain's voice.” Buck took a shaky breath. “So what, you tell me to help them grieve, that you love me, and that’s it.” His voice was breaking, his breath shallow. “That’s fucking bullshit!”
“You can’t come into the room, Buck.” And Buck wanted to shake his captain. “Listen to my last order.”
Buck chuckled bitterly. “You know that I have a problem with authority.” He shook his head. “I know that I can’t come into the room. But, if the virus is airborne,” he paused, took his mask off, took a deep breath, and stared at his captain in the eyes. “Then I might have caught it now.”
Bobby took a step back, worry all over his face, and Buck could already see his captain forming a plan. “Kid-”
But he was cut by Athena as she came into the room. “Buck?” She stopped suddenly, and her voice shifted to her ‘Sergeant Grant’ voice. “What is happening here?”
Buck looked at Bobby, daring him to say anything, but it looked like Buck’s impulsiveness was winning once again. The youngest one sighed. “Hey, Thena. Nothing, just trying to save your husband.”
Athena walked toward him and put a hand on his cheek. “By risking your life?”
And Buck couldn’t look at her. It was easy to confront his captain, not as easy to confront Athena. Suddenly, he was aware of everything that could go wrong. So he turned away from Athena, steeled his face, and faced Bobby again.
“You know me, always putting myself in danger.” He paused, sending a prayer for his plan to work. “We have Moira, we have the lab rat, we have Chim, hell, we have your super blood cap.” He knew that he was crying now, shaking, but maybe it would work. “So please, let us try. Because if you die, if you let yourself die, then I’ll go with you.”
By the horrified look on Bobby’s face, Buck knew that his plan was working, at least the first part. “Buck, kid-”
“No. I just need an answer. But-” his voice was barely a whisper now, “But Bobby, please, I can’t lose you, not again. So please, Pops, fight.”
Bobby was crying, a horrible mix of tears and blood that will probably haunt Buck for the rest of his life. But the captaiçn closed his eyes and nodded, so Buck smiled lightly. “Well, one more visit on our hospital fidelity card.” He heard Athena’s wet chuckle. “I’ll give you a moment, I’ll call the team, and Maddie. She’s going to kill me.”
Athena stopped him when he passed her. She had her serious and worried mom look. The one that made Buck confess everything, even if he didn’t do it. It was not the same as his mother's serious and exasperated look. When Athena gave him this look, she knew he was going to be in trouble soon, but she would still be here for him.
“We’ll talk about this later, Buck.”
See, trouble. He nodded, gave them a semblance of privacy, and called for Ravi and the rest of their team. Then he switched to dispatch.
“Buckey for dispatch.”
“Buck? Is everything okay?”
Maddie’s voice always felt like an angel’s voice. And hearing it, he just remembered everything that he could lose because of his stupid decision.
“Look, Mads, you’re going to be so mad at me. But I did something stupid.”
“ What did you do? ” he could hear anxiety in her voice. God, he hated making his sister cry.
“Bobby was infected, but he didn’t tell us. He didn’t want to fight. So I gave him a reason.”
He heard his sister take a big, shaky breath. “ Evan. What. Did. You. Do? ”
Oh, he was going to be in so much trouble after this. “ Itookoffmymask .”
“ You did WHAT? ” He winced at her sister’s scream. “ What the hell, Buck? Why did you do -”
“Maddie! Mads!” He coughed, and that stopped his sister short. “Can we leave the lecture for after? I promise, if I survive, you can be mad at me as much as you want. But if I don’t…. Just later. Please .”
“ Yeah .” Maddie choked on her tears. “ When you wake up, I’ll probably kill you .”
Buck laughed weakly. “I’m sure you will.” He could hear his team coming, he needed to do something, to pass a message. “Mads, I know this is recorded, can you pass this to the others, just in case?”
He heard Maddie's sobs, pretty sure she tried to say something, so he took it as a yes. Just in case .
“Hen, I know you’re going to be mad at me. Hell, if it were possible, you’ll probably resuscitate me, just to kill me again for being so stupid. I’m sorry about that. You’re such a great big sister and a good mom, I love you so much. I’ll miss you, Denny, and Karen. You’ll be a great captain one day. I wish I were here to see it.”
He stopped to clear his throat.
“Chim, even before you started dating my sister, you were like a brother. Please don’t feel guilty, please don’t be mad. You’re the best husband Maddie could have had, and the best father to Jee and Buck Jr, just in case you’re still looking for a name.” He heard Maddie laugh, it was like light in all that darkness. “I love you, brother, take care of our beautiful family, but don’t drown in your feelings.”
He coughed. “Rav. I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend, I’m sorry I stopped you from quitting, but I really hope this won’t make you leave. You are an amazing firefighter and a great human being. You’ll be a great mentor one day, kid. Trust yourself. Thank you for having my back. I know it wasn’t easy. I really like you, Ravi, I admire you .”
“Thena. I’m sorry, I tried. I promised I did my best. If Bobby survived, but I didn’t, please look after him, because he’ll feel guilty as hell. I’ll probably feel guilty too. If he didn’t, I’m sorry, because it means that you lost two people, and that wasn’t my plan. Actually, until you came into the lab, dying wasn’t in my plan at all. Thank you for loving me . Thank you for being such a good mother figure. Say hi to the kids for me. It’s been a while since I saw them, guess this is what happens when they grow up. I love you, Athena. Thank you for everything. Please don't be too mad at us.”
The team was almost there, he motioned to Bobby. He just needed a little bit more time. “Maddie. I love you so much. You’re the best sister and mother a child could ask for. Thank you for being there for me, for jeeping my postal cards, for coming back into my life, for Jee too. Goosh, I love you so much, Mads, I’m so sorry if I make you lose another brother. Please, keep telling Jee and my adorable nephew cool stories about their cool Uncle Buck.”
He could hear Maddie, full-on sobbing now, then suddenly she seemed far away. Maybe she took her headset off, maybe someone else took the call.
“Bobby, if you survive this but I don’t.” He choked on tears, “I’m so sorry. Trust me, all I ever wanted was to save you. I really can’t lose you. Gosh, Bobby, I love you so much. I know we never spoke about it, but I love you like I should love a dad. I might have a father, but Bobby, you’re my dad. Please, if this happens, don’t drink. You have Athena, you have May, Harry, and the team. I’m sure they can survive without me, but without you? I don’t know, or maybe I’m just projecting. God, Ravi. Please check on him, too. He wanted to quit after the baby was in the car. I’m sure this will affect him. I love you, Pops. Thank you for everything. ”
And now it was time for the hardest part. Buck knew that they would be able to hear him cry, so he gave up on not crying.
“Hey, Superman. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise of never leaving you. I miss you so much, but I was never mad at you for leaving. I could never be mad at you. I was mad at her for coming to your house after your dad cut things off. I was mad at myself for not being able to fix this and make you stay. I might be mad at your grandparents, but that’s adult business. Please, try to communicate with your dad. I know he made a mistake, but he loves you so much. I love you too. If I had a kid, I wished for them to be you.”
He coughed some more, and made a sign saying ‘j ust two minutes, guys’ , and the others gave him some space.
“Hey Eds. So, if you’re listening to this… Look, I’m sorry. I am so sorry because I won’t be able to have your back in the future. But please, don’t feel guilty, don’t close yourself off. Please, come back to L.A. with Chris, be with your family, our family. Lean on each other. And please, don’t be angry, and don't go fighting. Also, maybe you should go to therapy. You deserve so much, Eddie. Let yourself be happy, let yourself feel joy. Don’t do what people expect of you.”
He took a long breath. “Look, maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but you know me, always making things about me, uh?” He chuckled sadly, “But if this is my last chance, then I should tell you this. I love you, Eddie Diaz . I know you’re straight, but you should know that you deserve love and that people love you. Okay, I have to go now. Buckley, over and out.”
After this, things passed in a blur for Buck. And maybe it was the crash of adrenaline, maybe it was because of the virus, or a mix of everything, but Buck felt like he just couldn’t move, couldn’t talk. A little part of his brain provided the useful information that he was in shock, but the other part was just blank. And quickly, darkness claimed him.
***
When Buck came back to consciousness he flet like shit. There was no other word. His body weighed as much as a fire truck, and he knew what he was talking about; he couldn’t move and was aching. He heard voices, but they felt so far, too far away. So he slipped back to the darkness. The second time he woke up, he felt a bit better. His body was still aching, but a bit less. He opened his eyes slowly and was met with hospital lights. The fact that he could recognize hospital light so easily was kind of disturbing. He blinked a few times, trying to remember what happened. The lab, the explosion, Chim, Hen, and Bobby. Bobby was infected. He felt panic rise in his chest, his heart monitor going crazy. Suddenly, two hands were on his shoulders.
“Deep breath, Buck. Deep breath.”
Athena. It was Athena. She was here, with him. Why was she not with Bobby?
“Buck, look at me, honey.” His gaze finally focused on her, she looked calm. “Come on, follow my lead. Breath in. Breath out. Good. Again, breathe in. Breath out.”
And he kept doing what she said until he felt calmer, and the beeping stopped. Athena sat back on the chair, a hand cradling his hair, and a soft smile on her face.
“How are you feeling?”
“Bobby?” His voice was hoarse, and the single thought of Bobby made him want to cry. He was already starting to tear up.
“He’s okay. Roz and other scientists were able to recreate the antiviral.” Athena started, all the while she served him a glass of water. “He’s doing some test right now because he was exposed longer, but if everything’s good, then you’ll have a roommate.”
“Oh.” He did it. His stupid, reckless plan worked. “Did I…”
Athena sighed, but she kept her hand in his hair. “Yes. But you passed out before the end of the incubation period from exhaustion and adrenaline crash.”
There was a pause. The silence was not uncomfortable, but heavy. Buck knew what was coming. Athena stopped cradling his hair instead, she held his hand.
“That was stupid.”
Buck looked down at his knees. “I know.”
“You could have died.”
“I know Athena. Trust me, I know.” He looked at the wall, bit his lower lip to stop the sob threatening to escape. “But the other solution was worse.”
He heard Athena sigh, “Buck, look at me.” Her voice was so soft, but he couldn’t face her; he was scared to see disappointment. He blinked rapidly to chase away the tears. Athena squeezed his hand, “Buck, please . Look at me.”
He slowly turned his attention toward Athena, who had tears in her eyes, and her hands were holding his tightly. Buck felt his tears falling. Seeing Athena vulnerable made him vulnerable. She put her other hand on his cheek, such a motherly movement.
“I can understand why you did it. But what if you had both died? It would have destroyed all of us. Thank you for doing this, but please, don’t do this ever again.”
Buck nodded. Athena wasn’t mad, and right now, he felt safe and good with her. “I won’t do this ever again. I don’t want to die, I was so scared.” And he broke down, ugly crying.
“Oh, baby.” She stood up and sat on his bed, holding him. “It’s okay. Everyone is safe. You are safe, Bobby is safe. Chim is safe. Hen is safe.”
And she held him during the entirety of his breakdown. When he calmed down, she kissed the top of his head. And normally, maybe he would feel awkward, but right now, he just needed it.
“Sorry.” He mumbled, lying back down on the bed, feeling exhausted once again.
Athena smiled, “It’s okay. It was a difficult day.”
Buck frowned. “Wait, how long was I out?”
“Almost a day. Maddie was here with you, but I had Josh dragging her to her home once we knew that you were going to be okay,” she smiled, a real smile. “It’s so rare to have someone standing up to me. Even my threat to cuff her to a bed didn’t work.”
Buck laughed. He felt good and light for the first time in a long time. “Yeah, she can be as scary as you.”
Athena hummed, and her face was serious once again. “You know, I listened to your message. I knew that you’d probably just act like you didn’t say anything when you thought you could die. I love you, too, Buck. You’re a great kid, who is so easy to love, but has a hard time expressing things, and believing that people can love him. But I do, and everyone in our family does.”
Buck smiled. He opened his mouth to speak, but just yawned.
“Just sleep, Buckaroo. You need to rest before Maddie barges in and fusses over you.”
“Thank you, Thena.”
And as he drifted to sleep, he felt Athena kissing the top of his head.