Archive of Our Own

The tapping of a pen could be heard as the students all waited patiently for their next class to begin. Being a top student usually meant all of He Yu’s other classmates were well behaved students who didn’t usually make a fuss when waiting in between classes and teachers. As he sat waiting like the rest, He Yu could feel the sun lightly hitting against his back, the little bit of warmth was welcomed as the seasons have slowly begun to become cooler.

On a typical day He Yu would be using any free time he had from the prying eyes of his teachers to either go on his phone, talk and mess around with his fellow classmates, or to write stories in his books. But today was not a typical day, at least not for He Yu, he had something special planned, for someone special to He Yu.

For once he sat prim and proper in his seat, tapping his pen on his desk, almost in a nervous tick. Any one of He Yu’s classmates would say that it was out of character and almost impossible for He Yu, the son of the owner of He Pharmaceuticals, to be nervous. The child who acted calm and almost indifferent in every situation could never experience an emotion close to nervousness. It was more likely for their science teacher, Xie-laoshi, to give everyone a 100% grade result on an assignment than for He Yu to feel nervous. Oh how wrong those students would be.

He Yu was very nervous and it was all because of that cold but beautiful teacher, Xie-laoshi.

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Heavy rain fell all beside and on the lonely child standing in the park. If one was to see this child’s face, the words that would come to mind are, ‘pity’, ‘miserable’, ‘ tragic’, and ‘lonely’. Such heartbreaking, devastating loneliness filled that little boy’s eyes. He was a child who was used to being disappointed over and over again by his parents, by adults, by the world. At the age of ten, this child had already experienced loneliness that would consume someone whole.

He stood in the middle of the park, all alone, with no parents, no family, no friends, not even other people were around. The rain wouldn’t stop pouring down and making its existence known, the sound was deafening. The lonely boy’s head was titled down, shoulders hunched, and his arms wrapped around himself to give himself any sort of comfort or warmth. He should have been used to this loneliness, of being abandoned by his parents, but no matter how often it happened, it never got easier.

His clothes were drenched from the rain and even after his attempt to warm himself up, it couldn’t cover up the tremors and shivers that persisted. He tried to drown the feelings of loneliness, abandonment, anger, hatred, and fear thrumming throughout him. His nails dug deep into his upper arm, even though the child was indifferent to pain, it still gave him that tiny bit of relief from all the pain hammering in his heart.

He wanted to cry, to scream, to shout, to let anyone know and understand the suffering he was experiencing. So that maybe someone could say to him that everything would be okay, that he won’t always be lonely, and one day someone will love him always. But regardless of what he wanted, his voice and body wouldn’t listen, so he ended up just standing there in the pouring rain lifeless and alone.

His legs begun to wobble slightly, he was scared they were going to give out, making him fall to the wet concrete. The little boy tried steeling his legs to ensure that wouldn’t happen, he couldn’t take the embarrassment and humiliation even if not a single soul was around to witness it.

He took a deep breath in and forced all of his concentration into his legs, he would not fall down. He dug his nails in deeper, trying to grasp onto anything that would distract his mind from this entire situation, from the abandonment, to the rain, the cold, his weakness, everything.

Puddles begun forming on the concrete beneath him, soaking his shoes and even his socks. He didn’t know what to do anymore, he just wanted someone, anyone to protect him, guide him, love him despite everything. The lonely boy just wanted to have a home.

Remembering the events from earlier that day, before he was abandoned, before the storm, before he felt so heartbroken, his legs gave out. He braced himself for impact, for his knees to come into contact with the hard sturdy but soaking wet concrete. The stinging pain from his knees and legs getting scraped to vibrate through his body. He waited for it and accepted the humiliation.

He waited.

But nothing happened.

For the first time in this boy’s life he felt genuine warmth.

Noticing the lack of pain, he soon realised that a hand was gripping onto his arm, keeping him stabilised. It was a man, a beautiful man. The child took in the features of this stranger, and his breath hitched as he felt the warmth of another human. Without him even noticing, the lonely child cried.

The stranger startled took in the appearance of a presumably lost boy, the soaked clothes, messed up hair, the nail dent markings on his arms, the tears streaming relentlessly down his face, and the look of salvation. He didn’t know how to react in this situation, he was just on his way home from the shops getting snacks and food for him and his younger sister when he spotted a small child standing alone in the rain.

His instincts as an older brother kicked in, he wanted to help this little child. By the time he reached the child- a little boy, he was about to collapse onto the ground. Still stirred by instincts, he dropped the bags of groceries and rushed to ensure the small boy didn’t fall. He fiercely gripped onto his arm, pulling him back upwards, whilst also holding his umbrella directly over the lonely boy so he wouldn’t get wet anymore.

He wasn’t sure why this child was crying, but regardless he still held onto his arm and held the umbrella over him. He would wait, wait until he calmed down and could speak. He slowly shifted his hand from the child’s arm to his hand, squeezing onto his hand so he knew he wasn’t alone. He would help the boy find his parents.

After what felt like hours, and his clothes thoroughly soaked from the rain, the small boy finally spoke up.

“Thank you gege,” a small raspy voice was the sound that made its way into his ears. The man squeezed harder, “let’s go find your parents hm?”

The little boy vehemently shook his head, “no! I don’t wanna go home! I can’t!” Tears fell down faster and the look of salvation turned to one of agony. Caught by the whirlwind of instinct and intense emotions stemming from the child, the man dropped his umbrella as he kneeled down on the ground to embrace this sad little boy.

The tears came out harder as he felt the stranger hug him, the little boy wasn’t sure when the last time he got hugged was. He wrapped his arms around the man’s neck fiercely, and the man hugged him just as tightly around his waist. He has never felt so much warmth from another human before. He never realised how beautiful touch could feel.

The lonely boy wanted to feel the embrace of this man forever, because for once the lonely boy wasn’t so lonely anymore.

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When He Yu started lower secondary school his life changed, because somehow, by some miracle he saw that man again. The man who gave him warmth, the man who made him less lonely, and he was his teacher.

The man- which He Yu found out his name was Xie QingCheng, was just as breathtaking as he was on that evening that changed He Yu’s life. His warm peach blossom eyes didn’t match the cold, stoic expression on his face, but that juxtaposition made him even more alluring. The instant He Yu’s eyes laid on Xie QingCheng, his heart begun to race and his palms were shaking.

However an even bigger surprise than He Yu somehow finding Xie QingCheng, was that Xie QingCheng remembered him. After their first day of school Xie QingCheng sought He Yu out and asked if he was that little boy in the park. He of course confirmed his teacher’s suspicions, Xie QingCheng gave a small warm smile to He Yu asking him if he was okay now in response, which caused his heart to race once more and the feeling of flutters in his stomach to erupt.

He Yu knew in that moment, after hearing that Xie QingCheng still remembered him, asked if he was okay, and explicitly stated that if he ever needed anything he could always ask him, that no matter what he would have Xie QingCheng, because he belonged to He Yu.

Which was why today was a very special day to He Yu, because he wanted to give Xie QingCheng a letter, a love letter. He was planning to confess and hope that Xie QingCheng returned his feelings. He Yu had been working hard on his letter, writing numerous drafts, ensuring his Xie-laoshi got the best possible letter that fully conveyed his genuine and pure feelings.

The tapping on his desk persisted until he finally entered the classroom, his Xie QingCheng. He always wore minimalistic clothes, usually clothes with white and black, and today was no different. A plain white button up shirt paired with black dress pants made his smooth silky skin appear even more attractive.

Xie-laoshi addressed the class, his voice was stern, but it wasn’t demanding, and at times there was even a hint of sincerity. He Yu could listen to that voice all day, every day, especially if He Yu got to hear it in bed-

Okay no. He Yu does not need a boner in class thinking about Xie QingCheng’s voice all breathy, moaning for He Yu. Instead he tried distracting his mind, to ensure he didn’t get a boner in class, and focused on the fact that he would be confessing to his teacher.

In an instant, that feeling of nerves, butterflies, and doubt all started to rush through his body, almost like a tornado. But instead of a thunderstorm causing this tornado inside of him, it was all because he was scared.

He Yu doesn’t think he has ever been more terrified than today. Even after all the shit his parents had put him through, the mere thought of a rejection from his Xie-laoshi was more petrifying for He Yu than anything he had ever experienced.

No amount of words could ever fully capture just how huge of a role Xie QingCheng played on He Yu’s life (and trust, He Yu had tried many times to fully convey it). It was the first time in a long, long time that he had felt any love, care, kindness, compassion, and warmth from another human. If He Yu was being completely honest, ever since that evening with Xie QingCheng, he hasn’t been hugged or even touched again once by anyone, but especially his parents. 

So yeah, Xie QingCheng meant a lot to him, because even after all those years, Xie QingCheng was still the only person to have tried to heal his little broken lonely heart.

He really did try to concentrate on Xie-laoshi teaching his class about electromagnetic waves, but the anxiety was getting to be too much for He Yu. Subconsciously his hands went back to the nervous tick of tapping his pen continuously over the pages of his book, running his free hand through his hair and tightly gripping onto it to calm himself down.

He wasn’t worried about the action of givivg Xie QingCheng the letter, he knew Xie-laoshi would easily accept a letter from him. It was just the afterwards part that brought bile up his throat and threatened to escape his mouth. The fact that He Yu would know that Xie QingCheng would read his letter that bared his most naked and vulnerable self, the fact that Xie QingCheng would have to respond eventually, and the fact that there was a high chance he would be rejected.

Rejection was something He Yu had never feared before, but after having something to lose and to fear, he understood why people were so frightened by the prospect of being rejected. He also knew very well the type of person he fell in love with, Xie QingCheng would treat him and his feelings as childish. There was no way Xie QingCheng would take him seriously, and would probably just brush his letter aside.

But hopefully his Xie QingCheng would read his letter and see how sincere he was, and wouldn’t doubt He Yu’s feelings for him. Maybe his Xie-laoshi had some sort of feelings for He Yu as well and they actually could be together. His letter would spark the feelings inside of Xie QingCheng once he read the pure and sincere words of He Yu. Well at least that was what he hoped for.

“He Yu, what are the seven types of electromagnetic waves?”

Startled from hearing his Xie-laoshi calling for him, he was snapped out of his thoughts. It took him a moment to even register what was going on. He looked around the classroom and saw all of his classmates staring at him, almost waiting for him. But the only pair of eyes he cared about staring at him was those soft and beautiful peach blossom eyes standing at the front of the classroom.

Realising that Xie-laoshi most probably asked him a question, he spoke up, “sorry Xie-laoshi, could you repeat the question again?”

“I asked what are the seven types of electromagnetic waves?”

“Oh um, radio waves, infrared light, microwaves, um visible light, ultraviolet light, X-rays, and gamma rays.”

“Good, next time pay more attention.”

“Yes Xie-laoshi,” he slightly bowed his head in apology and Xie QingCheng continued on with his lesson as normal.

He Yu sighed a breath of relief, his heart rate picked up quickly when those intense but gentle eyes focused entirely onto him, it was hard to think of anything other than Xie QingCheng.

The rest of the period went mostly normal, the only difference was that He Yu did a lot more staring, giving heart eyes at his Xie-laoshi than normal, and a lot less paying attention to the actual discussion and lesson at hand. But well could you really blame him? Xie QingCheng was sexy, a literal walking wet dream for He Yu.

It wasn’t until the bell went off that He Yu remembered what he planned to do today. Confess to Xie QingCheng. Which again reminded him why he was so terrified.

Locking his eyes to Xie QingCheng, he saw him meticulously packing away his laptop and sheets of papers from the teacher desk out the front. Realising he was losing time, and quickly, he scoured through his bag trying to find the perfectly sealed envelope that contained his love, his heart, his truth, his loneliness, his everything.

Panicking, he frantically pulled out books, papers, pens etc from his bag just so he could quickly find his letter. He didn’t even care that he made a mess on and around his desk, or that his classmates could be judging him. He Yu’s priority was that damn letter that seemed to be hiding in a bag that he was certain was not a black hole.

His hand came into contact with the envelope, He Yu’s entire face lit up, but the same feelings of anxiety rose up. He didn’t have time to dwell or to waste, he needed to give this letter to Xie QingCheng right now. After grabbing the letter, he quickly got up from his chair and rushed to the front when he saw that Xie-laoshi was about to leave the door.

“Xie-laoshi wait!” The words came out of his mouth before he could think, but thankfully Xie QingCheng stopped right before the doorway and turned to wait for He Yu.

“He Yu, is everything alright?”

“Yes, here I want to give you this,” he shoved the letter from his hands into Xie QingCheng’s (carefully obviously). Once he saw the letter securely in Xie QingCheng’s possession, he no longer felt so much anxiety about the whole situation, he felt a huge weight lifted off his shoulder.

Xie QingCheng’s eyes scrunched when he felt the envelope in his hands, he moved his focus from the letter to the little boy standing in front of him, wearing a huge smile. Even more confused by the whole thing, he started to open the envelope.

“No! Wait! Don’t open that now, open it when you’re alone after school, okay?” His heart nearly dropped when He Yu thought Xie QingCheng would read his letter right now, right in front of him. There was no way he could handle that!

Xie QingCheng looked up, he could see the anxiety brimming in He Yu’s eyes and nodded lightly. “Okay, but He Yu could we talk later today?”

“No! I mean, I’m sorry Xie-laoshi but I can’t tonight. I have um family plans, I’m sorry!” He fiddled with his fingers, there was absolutely no way he could face Xie QingCheng later today when he most probably had already read his letter. “We can talk tomorrow if you are free Xie-laoshi, okay?”

“Sure.” He Yu watched him carefully place his letter in Xie QingCheng’s bag, “I’ll see you around He Yu.”

“Bye Xie-laoshi!” Xie QingCheng gave a slight nod and left He Yu’s classroom.

He Yu had never felt so happy and free, he wasn’t even sure what he was so nervous about earlier. Hopefully Xie QingCheng would feel the fire ignite inside of him when he read He Yu’s letter and they could be together. Giddiness, He Yu wasn’t sure when was the last time he had ever felt giddiness.

He walked back to his desk, an exasperating sigh left his mouth when he saw the mess he made whilst searching for his letter. Well none of that mattered, not if him and Xie QingCheng could be together.

Maybe the world was on his side for once.

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Xie QingCheng sat at his desk in the staff office, the room was entirely void of anyone else. The letter He Yu had given him was in his hand. He wasn’t sure what this student of his wanted to tell him, but he assumed it was something important to He Yu.

Ever since Xie QingCheng found out He Yu was that lonely, sad child that one evening, he vowed that he would do everything in his power to help him. So if that meant reading a letter from He Yu when he was all alone, well how could he refuse him?

Xie QingCheng believed that as long as he lived he would never forget the tears He Yu shed that day, or the way he clung onto Xie QingCheng for dear life. Clung onto him like he was his only source of light left.

He would also never forget the way He Yu stiffened when his mother found him, after god knows how long, and apologised saying she had a work call and somehow completely forgot about her own son. The little boy looked so sad, and frightened when the embrace between them was over and he had to go back to his mother.

Trying to forget about that evening, and all the feelings it brought up in him, he carefully ripped back the paper on the envelope and suddenly a quite lengthy weight was held in his hands. Whatever He Yu wanted to tell him, it was surprisingly more than Xie QingCheng thought.

His eyes thoroughly read through the content of He Yu’s letter, his expression became more grim the further he read.

When he finally got to the end, Xie QingCheng tossed the letter on his desk and sunk back against his chair dragging his hands from the top to the bottom of his face. He couldn’t believe He Yu loved him supposedly.

His feelings about the letter were conflicting, reading the vulnerable and lonely words of He Yu broke his heart, he really wanted to protect this child as best as he could. But once He Yu started confessing his feelings, confessing all the things he wanted with Xie QingCheng, he really couldn’t believe it all.

As a straight man, he couldn’t understand how a man could like another man, it just didn’t make sense for him. Especially if it was a thirteen year old child, there was no way he was so sure about his feelings. He didn’t know anything, there was no way he could be so certain about this.

Conflicted, he picked up He Yu’s letter and read it once more. No it definitely said that he was in love with Xie QingCheng, there was no denying or misunderstanding that. He tossed the letter again, and sighed heavily. There was no way He Yu knew what he was talking about, he was a child!

Since He Yu was so young, Xie QingCheng was willing to let this go. He was a young child who didn’t know any better, so obviously he was just confused. But he needed to shut this down quickly and not lead He Yu on, he needed to know that there was no way he could ever like a guy, or someone so much younger than him.

Searching on his desk, he found a blank piece of paper as well as a pen and begun to write a small note for He Yu. He didn’t want to hurt this child, but regardless he would be hurting him either way. Xie QingCheng just hoped He Yu could forgive him one day.

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Dear Xie-laoshi,

I have been writing this letter for days trying to express my feelings in a way where you would take them seriously, but it’s incredibly difficult because I know what type of man you are.

So I will just start from the beginning of our story, the day in the park. I never told you what happened before that moment, the moment where you found me alone in the rain, but I want to tell you and maybe that way you can understand my feelings better.

When I was five, my younger brother He Li was born, I will probably never be able to understand why and to be honest I don’t think I want to understand, but my parents hate me and dote on my brother. It has been that way since the day he took his first breath, but honestly it might have been way before that.

I was always the second priority in my parents eyes, He Li came first and I just had to accept that at a mere five years old. It’s not easy being the least favourite child, and no one ever talks about how lonely it is. I live in a big house with maids, butlers, servants, the whole rich child life, and yet this loneliness eats at me.

That day my family and I were out for the day, honestly I can’t even remember what for anymore, probably something mundane or something pretentious. What I do remember however was when my mother gave me 200¥ and told me that I can buy myself whatever I wanted in one of the shops nearby. She told me to take my time and that they will be right outside waiting for me.

I was a fool that day, I listened to her words, her reassurance and yet when I came out no one was there waiting for me. They all just left me there. I ran as much as I could searching for my parents, I couldn’t even tell you how much I ran that afternoon hoping to see even just a glimpse of them.

Eventually I gave up, I threw everything I brought in a bin, it all meant nothing to me. So I began my long and slow walk back home but at some point it started pouring down and I just froze. It was at that park where you found me where I stopped. It felt like I was being covered, almost devoured by the rain. If I just stayed there for long enough, let it rain on me long enough, then eventually I would disappear with the rain. It would be easier that way for everyone right?

All I wanted was to be loved by my parents, by anyone really, to not feel lonely and to have a home. I was ten years old and I yearned for human connection.

And then I met a stranger, a stranger who changed my life forever. You were the first person who gave me warmth, who made me feel less lonely for the first time since I was five. Although I originally desperately wanted to find and see my parents, after I felt the warmth of you I no longer wanted to go back to that cold and lonely house, not when I finally felt true warmth. You, Xie ge, gave me the strength to fight, to hope that there truly will be a day where I will feel loved and wanted every day.

When I saw you here as my teacher and you remembered me, I knew from that day onwards what I felt. Do you know what I felt Xie ge? I felt love. I truly love you Xie ge, I swear.

I want to love you Xie ge, and be loved by you. I want to live with you, and wake up with you every morning. I want to kiss you goodnight (and maybe some other things) and know that you will always stay with me no matter what. I want to experience all the ups and downs of life and relationships with you.

I want to be able to call you mine, and for you to call me yours. I want to get married to you. I want to raise pets and even children with you. I want to grow old with you. I want to tell you every day how beautiful you are. I want to express how much our one hour interaction impacted my life forever. I want everything with you Xie QingCheng.

I know our relationship would be unconventional, but I want it regardless. I want you. I also know that the chances of you reciprocating my feelings are slim to none, but if for whatever reason you do feel the same, even just a little, I want us to be together.

Please Xie ge whatever you do, don’t underestimate or undermine my feelings for you. Because what I am feeling is real, it’s so real because every time I see you my heart feels like it will combust and my body bursts into flames. I would do anything for you to see just how genuine and real my feelings for you are.

I love you because you were the first person to give me warmth, human connection, and filled the void of emptiness in my heart. You helped a random lonely child you never met before and stayed with them. I love your kindness, because your kindness saved me.

Please don’t undermine my feelings for you Xie ge, and just know that even if for some reason you aren’t convinced, I will never stop loving you. One day I will prove to you how genuine my feelings towards you are, even if that is five, ten, even twenty years into the future. Because to me, you are my future, my present, and my past.

Love always and forever, He Yu

“So yeah, one of my coworkers was so convinced that they administered the right medication, but when I went to go check not only was the medication completely wrong but the calculations as well. I obviously immediately had to inform the coworker, the patient, our supervisor, our NUM, the doctor and fill out an IMS form. It was an absolute mess and then she had the audacity to blame me for her fuck up-” 

He Yu nodded absently as he listened to his date ramble on about who knows what, he hasn’t been paying much attention. His parents had recently been setting him up on blind dates, they wanted him to settle down and start a family or whatever bullshit they said.

This was the fifth date he had been on in the last two weeks, he was getting tired of all the dates. But no matter how much he told his parents he didn’t want to date, they never listened and forced him on another one.

The woman sitting across from him in the nice restaurant they were at, was attractive to a degree. She was an extremely smart woman, had a stable career, and had a strong drive for success, however she also had the tendency to appease other men. The biggest indicator for this was the way she had been showing off her cleavage all afternoon. His date had long flowy black hair, with bright brown eyes paired with clear fair skin.

Honestly if things were different, He Yu might have been attracted to her. It was just unfortunate to everyone that he had only ever loved and still does love, one person only. But he didn’t want to think about him right now.

He Yu fake smiled as his date continued to talk, as she was preoccupied he slowly looked around the restaurant. They were on the top level of this establishment, only a handful of tables occupied this space. A large bar was to the left of He Yu, whilst him and his date were placed in the centre of the restaurant. The entire walls were made out of glass, there was even a glass door that led to an outside balcony.

Sweeping a glance to the balcony he noticed a single man outside smoking a cigarette. He Yu could just barely make out the man’s profile, however there was something achingly familiar about this man. He stared at him a little longer trying to desperately catch even a single glance of this man, and almost as if the man knew someone was watching, he turned his face slightly in a way where He Yu could see him more clearer and-

He Yu’s heart raced, his throat became dry, all thoughts stopped in his head. There was simply no way, absolutely no way he was here. He Yu didn’t even have the words to express how he felt in that moment. The person he has loved since he was thirteen, or maybe when he first met him when he was ten. The person who broke his heart, the person who left him, the person who occupied He Yu’s thoughts every waking minute, the person He Yu hadn’t seen in ten years was standing right on that balcony smoking.

Instinct was the only word He Yu could use to describe what he did next, without thinking He Yu pushed his chair back, a loud scraping sound was heard in the room. Not even glancing at his date, he stumbled towards the glass door that led to the balcony. The door automatically opened when he reached the censors, when he stepped out to the balcony, the warm summer night engulfed him.

The man still looked out towards the view and didn’t turn once even with the presence of a new person around. He Yu was confident the man was Xie QingCheng, but he needed to be certain.

“Xie… QingCheng?” He coughed after hearing how rough his voice was, his throat seemed to be drying than he thought. That was also the first time he had ever called Xie QingCheng by his name and not ‘Xie-laoshi’ aloud, so he was a little bit awkward.

Finally, the man turned towards the voice and He Yu’s breath hitched. It really was him. He would recognise this man anywhere. Xie QingCheng took the cigarette out of his mouth and held it between his fingers, He Yu traced the movements with his eyes, taking in the small but plump lips that didn’t curve up in a smile when he saw He Yu. The long but thin fingers that held the cigarette with such practiced ease.

And then his eyes lifted upwards, those eyes, He Yu could never forget those god damn eyes. They were just as soft and intense as they were in He Yu’s dreams. After examining the soft features of Xie QingCheng’s face and seeing that he truly was as beautiful as he last remembered, his eyes drifted towards the figure of his body. He was shorter than He Yu now, he still remembered when he had to look up at Xie QingCheng, but now he had to look down, the roles were completely reversed.

Long legs, tiny waist, all perfect for fucking, but also perfect for He Yu to wrap his hands around Xie QingCheng’s waist and hold onto him. He truly was the man of He Yu’s dreams, even after all these years.

“He Yu?” Xie QingCheng’s eyes squinted when he finally seemed to have noticed who was speaking to him, He Yu saw his eyes go from questioning, confusion, and then surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing, how have you been Xie QingCheng?” He Yu watched as he moved the cigarette from his fingers back to his mouth and took a hit. “Hm, I’ve been alright, and you?”

“The same.” The two awkwardly stood together without saying a word. He Yu fiddled with his fingers, he hadn’t felt this nervous since the day he gave Xie QingCheng his love letter ten years ago. There was still of course only one person who had this kind of effect on him.

“Um are you busy right now? Do you want to get a drink? My shout,” Xie QingCheng didn’t answer at first but gave a slight nod, “sure okay that sounds nice.”

“Okay, great! That’s great. Oh we probably shouldn’t have it here, I kinda ditched my date.” Xie QingCheng had a questioning look on his face, silently asking why the fuck he ditched his date, He Yu just shrugged and went to leave the balcony without looking back to see if Xie QingCheng was following him.

The aircon hit He Yu’s face as he walked back into the restaurant, the cool air was refreshing after standing out in the summer heat. He quickly glanced over to where his date was and noticed she left, well that took care of one problem of his. He Yu stopped in the middle of the restaurant and turned around to see Xie QingCheng not far behind, “actually my date kinda left,” he pointed towards where they were sitting, “did you just want to stay here and join me instead?”

He Yu saw as Xie QingCheng contemplated his offer, his nose scrunched up lightly in thought. He Yu felt like five years passed before he heard a steady, “sure why not, it’s the same either way.” He Yu felt giddy as he directed the two of them to the table where He Yu was just having a date. It was almost like He Yu was having a date with Xie QingCheng instead! Oh He Yu loved his life right now.

But not to come across as ‘desperate’ he composed his face, not allowing any expression to appear other than indifferent. That was his default resting face and expression anyways, he could totally pull it off with his Xie QingCheng around.

When they reached their table, they both sat down across from each other. In the bright lit restaurant He Yu could notice how beautifully fair Xie QingCheng’s skin was, he just wanted to lightly drag his hands all over his body, bite into his skin, lick any blood caused by his bites, and claim Xie QingCheng as his.

“Would you like to order anything sir?” Caught off guard by the waiter, He Yu startled slightly out of pure reflex. He grabbed the drinks menu and quickly scanned through the numerous drink options, “I’ll just grab the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon 1995, and you?” He Yu looked up from his menu, Xie QingCheng stared back at him with a raised brow. “What?”

“Nothing, I’m fine with whatever you ordered.” Xie QingCheng closed his menu with a snap and placed it back down on the table. “The wine is a bit excessive is it not?”

“No? I have the money, it’s fine.” He Yu waved his hand in dismissal of Xie QingCheng’s worry. “So, anything new been happening with you?” He Yu tapped his fingers against the table wanting to know everything about what Xie QingCheng had been up to in the past ten years.

“Hm, I was recently divorced about six months ago.”

He Yu stilled his fingers when those words escaped Xie QingCheng’s mouth. “Divorced? Like marriage? As in you were married?”

Xie QingCheng scoffed, “that is the number one leading cause of divorce He Yu.”

Xie QingCheng was married? With a woman? He fell in love? Had sex? Maybe even had children? Oh He Yu hated his life right now.

“When? How long were you married for?” He Yu needed to know everything about the marriage, the woman, their relationship, every little detail. “We got married when I was twenty-nine, and then divorced at thirty-five,” he brushed off He Yu’s question like it wasn’t important, but oh it was very important to He Yu.

“Why did you get divorced?” He knew he was pushing his luck, Xie QingCheng, at least if he was still the same person he was ten years ago, didn’t like to talk about his personal life or problems. But he needed to know, He Yu felt like he would go insane not knowing anything about Xie QingCheng’s supposed marriage.

Xie QingCheng leaned back against his chair whilst crossing his arms, “why are you being so nosy? I don’t have to tell you shit.”

“Right, yeah you are right,” disappointed but not surprised by Xie QingCheng’s response, He Yu picked up his chopsticks and begun to fiddle around with them. If one was to describe his attitude, it was almost like a child sulking. His eyes deflated, he had a clear pout on his lips, he was distracted by the chopsticks. Definitely like a child sulking.

The waiter finally came with a bucket filled with ice and the wine He Yu ordered. Following protocol, the waiter filled both of He Yu and Xie QingCheng’s glasses with the wine. Once he left, He Yu picked up his glass and sighed before taking a sip. He really just wanted to know what his competition was like, and now he probably pissed Xie QingCheng off.

Fed up with He Yu’s shit, Xie QingCheng groaned, “it just wasn’t working out, we wanted two separate things from our marriage.” Like a puppy, He Yu perked up when he heard Xie QingCheng actually indulged him and told him the truth.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he wasn’t but that was the appropriate thing to say right? He took another sip, but a longer one this time since he didn’t want Xie QingCheng to call him out on his insincerity.

Xie QingCheng slightly shrugged one of his shoulders and with a calm voice said some of the best words He Yu had heard tonight. “It’s fine, I’m over it. How are you He Yu? What have you been up to?”

He was over it? Maybe he did have a chance. This was probably the best day of He Yu’s life! Well he might as well take this opportunity to brag just a tiny bit about his job to impress him. “Not too much, I’m working at my dad’s business as the CTO. Other than that, my parents have been forcing me on a lot of blind dates, something dumb about settling down.”

He Yu’s demeanour darkened as he thought about all the dates he had been forced on lately. It was pissing him off, he knew what he wanted in life and marrying a woman, especially one his parents chose out, was not one of them.

“You are what? Twenty-three now? I don’t blame them for wanting you to find a wife,” Xie QingCheng reasoned.

Annoyed, He Yu filled up his glass with more wine before sculling the entire glass. He rolled his eyes, and huffed an air of annoyance, “yeah right, I don’t want to be with any of these women my parents set me up with. It’s pointless, my parents are wasting their efforts. I won’t marry any of them.”

Xie QingCheng sat forward in his seat, he leaned his elbows against the table, supporting his head in his hands and stared at He Yu straight in his eyes. “Not even if they found your perfect partner?” He challenged.

“They couldn’t, I have a pretty high standard and a set type. They will never find a person like that that they approve of.” Once again He Yu filled his glass, but instead he only swished the wine around without taking a sip. He knew Xie QingCheng was still looking at him with that challenging look, but he couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes as well.

Finally Xie QingCheng took his intense glance away from He Yu and took his first sip of wine, “your parents wouldn’t like your choice of partner?”

The glass banged against the table, which led to some wine to spill out. Thankfully the glass didn’t break, but He Yu wouldn’t have cared anyways. “Of course not, they wouldn’t be happy knowing their eldest son and heir to He Pharmaceuticals was gay.” There was a trace of anger laced in He Yu’s words.

He knew his parents wouldn’t approve of his sexuality, that was why he never wanted or planned to tell them. Well not until he married Xie QingCheng and made him his wife, then his parents couldn’t do shit about him and his relationships. Having to constantly hear about how he will find the perfect wife from his mother got on his nerves a lot, it brought up feelings of anger, frustration, and rage. Pure white rage.

Over the years he has learnt to calm himself down from the rage, but it wasn’t always easy. He just wished he could be his true self around others and didn’t have to wear this fake mask all the time.

Both hesitant and weary, Xie QingCheng sighed, “He Yu… about ten years ago-“

“Don’t, I don’t want to talk about that tonight okay? And don’t worry I’m over you now.” A massive fucking lie, but Xie QingCheng didn’t need to know that.

Honestly He Yu didn’t think it was possible for him to love anyone, at least not with the same intensity as he feels with Xie QingCheng. It’s a burning, strong desire to own, to claim, to devour. He wanted to keep Xie QingCheng close with him at all times, keep him captive to ensure that he never left him ever again.

Ten years was how long it had been since He Yu last laid eyes with Xie QingCheng. For ten years he only had himself to rely on. For ten years he tried to heal his own broken heart with the absence of Xie QingCheng. For ten years he had to satisfy himself with only his hand. For ten years he desperately wanted to find Xie QingCheng but knew that he would only end up resenting He Yu. For ten years he prayed he would see Xie QingCheng again.

There was really no one else for He Yu besides this man, the man who wanted to help a sad lonely child, the man who was his teacher, and the man who abandoned him after knowing how much he had been abandoned.

He Yu had ten years to come to terms with what Xie QingCheng did. No words could ever describe the state of pure anger he was in, the way he continuously hurt himself and others, the way he he didn’t care about anything, not school, not his brother, not his parents, not the authorities, none of them. He didn’t give a shit about any of that, he just wanted the pain and rage to consume him whole.

But well, eventually he slowly begun to forgive Xie QingCheng. He really couldn’t stop loving him no matter how hard he tried, or how much he hated him, nothing stopped the burning desire to want him. Nothing stopped the increased heart rate, the butterflies in his stomach at the thought of Xie QingCheng. However, that didn’t mean he was completely over what happened ten years ago. He loved Xie QingCheng, and always would. He forgave him. But he never forgot.

“You’re right, I’m sorry it was insensitive of me to bring it up. But when you are ready, I want to explain and clarify some things.”

“Sure.”

The two sat in silence, He Yu picked up his glass from the table and drunk some more wine. Xie QingCheng followed his moves, taking a sip at the exact same time. They both placed their drinks with a clink in sync. Xie QingCheng just stared at him, not saying a word, not making a move to leave, just staring.

Giving in, He Yu sighed, “Xie ge?”

“Hm?”

He didn’t want to say any of this to Xie QingCheng’s face, he hated how vulnerable he made He Yu felt, almost like a little child. He slightly turned his face away to stare at some other couple at a table to his right. “I don’t want to ruin our reunion by talking about that, it brings up a lot of intense emotions in me and I don’t want to ruin tonight. But I’m okay to talk about it, so tomorrow I will be ready. Whenever you are free tomorrow onwards, I would like to talk about all of that. Is that okay?”

Xie QingCheng’s lip slightly curved up, was that a smile? Did Xie QingCheng just smiled at him?

“Okay He Yu, I would like that. I’m free tomorrow night,” he said with a soft voice.

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He Yu hardly slept that night, he was too anxious seeing Xie-laoshi after giving him his love letter. What if they started dating today? Maybe his Xie-laoshi accepted his confession. Well a man could only hope.

Science was fourth period, meaning He Yu somehow had to wait for way too long to even see his Xie QingCheng, to see him smile at He Yu (he had never smiled at him, at least never at school, He Yu was just hoping Xie QingCheng would), for Xie QingCheng to accept He Yu’s feelings, for He Yu to kiss his Xie ge. Life was really on He Yu’s side lately.

As He Yu walked into his classroom, he noticed the room was entirely empty beside him. Which was unusual, by this time a few people would be talking to their friends or setting up their desk. He shrugged and thought nothing of it and approached closer to his own assigned desk towards the back next to the window.

A hum filled the classroom, He Yu sat at his chair and noticed a neatly folded piece of paper. Dazed from the thoughts of being with his Xie ge, He Yu opened the paper without thought. His heart stopped as he read the two simples sentences occupying the note.

I do not like men, I am straight. I am also homophobic and this is extremely inappropriate.

Over and over again, he read the note. The sentences and letters never changed no matter how much he glared at the paper, and begged for it to be different. He really couldn’t believe it, he thought Xie QingCheng might have felt the same somehow, but maybe he was just being foolish after all.

He Yu sat on his chair disoriented, he noticed, somehow, the rest of his classmates streaming through the room. None of them knew that his heart just fucking broke. None of them knew that he was so in love with their teacher that he would rather sacrifice his happiness over and over again, a million times, just for one chance to see Xie QingCheng look at him the same way he looked at Xie QingCheng for even one second.

Confused and numbed, He Yu leaped up from his seat and ignored all the questioning glances from his classmates, he rushed out of the room and headed straight towards the staff office. He needed to see Xie QingCheng now, he needed to demand if he truly meant the words in his note, he needed to know if He Yu’s letter meant nothing to him.

The only thing on his mind was Xie QingCheng, reaching Xie QingCheng, seeing Xie QingCheng, talking to Xie QingCheng. Xie QingCheng. Xie QingCheng. Xie QingCheng-

“He Yu? Is everything alright?” Snapped completely out of his downward spiral of Xie QingCheng, He Yu noticed his Chinese teacher standing closely in front of him. Trying to catch his breath and to have a clear mind, He Yu took a deep breath in and exhaled out.

“Shen-laoshi, I’m sorry have you seen Xie-laoshi? I need to speak to him about something private.”

“Oh! I’m guessing he never told you guys? Xie-laoshi transferred to another school, yesterday was his last day. It was quite sudden, such a misfortune that we lost a teacher as adequate as him-“

All words, sounds, stopped being comprehended. The only words repeated over and over and over and over and over was ‘he transferred to another school.’

His Xie ge left him? He abandoned him? After everything He Yu had been through, and everything Xie QingCheng knew, he still abandoned him. Was He Yu really that unlovable?

Was he really being abandoned, left alone without a home again? Did he just ruin the best thing to have ever happened to him because he was in love and dared to be loved back?

Well now He Yu could safely say he truly knew what rejection felt like and he now knew why everyone feared it.

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He Yu paced outside of Xie QingCheng’s house, he had arrived roughly about five minutes ago, but when he went to knock on his door he froze. He knew that they would be discussing about Xie QingCheng’s response to He Yu’s love letter, and most likely Xie QingCheng leaving suddenly.

He wasn’t nervous, of course not, just, well, he wasn’t sure. The last time he was vulnerable before someone else it was when he wrote that letter, and before that, it was that one evening thirteen years ago. So yeah He Yu was apprehensive about his conversation tonight.

Pacing helped calm He Yu down slightly, and gave him more time to plan out the things he wanted to say. The way he wanted to go about all of this. He paced back and forwards, over and over again, caught up in his own world thinking all of this over. He Yu was so distracted that he didn’t even hear the front door slam open.

“How long are you going to stand there pacing around like an idiot? You are giving me a headache,” a calm but unsympathetic voice spoke up suddenly behind He Yu, the voice startled him so much his body worked on reflex and flinched. “Xie QingCheng? How long have you known I was here?”

“The whole time,” well wasn’t that just great, end him now. “Get in before you get heat stroke,” feeling like a dejected puppy, He Yu followed Xie QingCheng’s orders stepping into his house. The first thing He Yu noticed was how minimalistic and clean the house was.

It had the bare necessities, a kitchen, a lounge room, a table to eat at, a bathroom, a master bedroom, and a guest room. It was entirely different from the houses He Yu had grown up with, but there was something so undoubtedly Xie QingCheng about this house. The picture frames of Xie Xue placed all throughout the walls and shelving’s were the biggest signs of Xie QingCheng’s personal touch to his house.

Wanting to soak up anything Xie QingCheng related, He Yu walked slowly throughout the main area that had the open kitchen and lounge room, and took notice of anything that could give insight to Xie QingCheng’s life in the past ten years.

“Here,” caught off guard, again, He Yu turned to see Xie QingCheng holding out a cup. Taking the offered drink with a thanks, he sipped on the warm tea and instantly felt a sense of calm engulf him. Xie QingCheng walked away from He Yu to take a seat down on his lounge instead. He turned his body inwards and crossed his legs, taking a drink as he did. He Yu followed suit and sat next to Xie QingCheng, he turned his body to the right and now sat practically face to face with Xie QingCheng.

Sat in silence and taking small mouthfuls of tea at a time, He Yu became impatient, he was the first to speak. “Look, can we just get this over and done with?” He said with a groan.

“Well what do you want to say?” Xie QingCheng raised an eyebrow in question.

He took another gulp of tea before He Yu placed it down on the coffee table in front of the lounge they were occupying. He closed his eyes for a second, took a breath, and then opened them back up. He Yu looked Xie QingCheng directly in the eye.

“I will just come right out and say it, Xie QingCheng, that day, you did more than just break me, you destroyed me. I bared my whole soul to you in those words I wrote, and you threw it back in my face. You knew how I was with abandonment and yet you still did it to me.” Every memory of that fateful day ten years ago hurt He Yu more and more, no matter how much he loved Xie QingCheng and forgave him, he could never fully heal or let go of his grudge.

Xie QingCheng tapped a finger of his against the porcelain cup and sighed with exasperation. “I don’t know what you want me to say, I didn’t have an obligation to you He Yu. I didn’t like men, and I still don’t, I’m straight, so I could have never been with you. And you were fucking thirteen, was I supposed to date a literal child?”

“Yes! No, I don’t know okay? It made sense to me. You made sense to me. You were the first constant I had in my life in the longest time and then you upped and left me like I meant nothing to you. To everyone else I already meant nothing to them, but I stupidly and foolishly thought you were different, that you cared about me.”

Caught up on the whirlwind of emotions and old wounds opening back up, He Yu jumped up from the lounge. He paced around the lounge that Xie QingCheng still sat on sipping his tea.

“I did care about you, I cared about you so much because you were a lonely broken child who needed protecting and care. But you having feelings for me? Loving me? There was no way I could have accepted that or still accept that.”

He Yu’s feet paused when he heard the patronising tone from Xie QingCheng. Coincidentally his movements stopped in front of the lounge, he faced him straight onwards.

“So you left because I loved you? Because I wanted to be loved back?”

“You are not the reason why I left He Yu, I don’t know where you got that idea from.” Xie QingCheng turned his body to face back outwards, his eyes came into contact with He Yu who was still standing. He Yu could see this conversation already taking a toll on Xie QingCheng, but he said he wanted to clarify things, so now he had to keep his promise.

Pissed off by the situation, He Yu went back to walking around the lounge, frustration laced in all his words. “Oh I don’t know! Maybe from the fact that you just so happened to left the day after I confessed to you without any warning?”

Becoming engrossed by the intensity of emotions flying around the room, Xie QingCheng stood up and pointed a finger at He Yu with his left hand, as he continued to hold his tea in his right.

“No, that is not what happened. Look, I was going to tell you, that day actually, but you said you had family plans, which I know was bullshit by the way. It just so happened that the day I left coincide with the day you confessed-“

“So you are saying it’s my fault for not knowing? Because I said I was busy that night? Because I lied?”

“When the fuck did I ever say it was your fault? I was going to tell you, I should have told you earlier but honestly I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well you ended up doing that anyways.” He Yu walked off towards the direction of the kitchen, leaving some space between the two of them. He faced the stove, leaving Xie QingCheng with the view of his back.

“Do you want to know the truth or not? Stop being a brat and just listen.” Irritated, he stared at He Yu’s back and waited for a response.

He didn’t respond.

Drained from the conversation, but understanding the importance, Xie QingCheng spoke in a tired voice. “If you just shut up in the first place and not interrupted me, I would have explained what happened. Only a week prior I got a job opportunity somewhere else, somewhere that paid better than that school. I was my younger sister’s only family and provider, I had to think of her first before anyone else, and that included you. I did want to tell you earlier He Yu, and I did think of you, but honestly I was being weak. I was too afraid of seeing that same broken hurt look in your eyes as I did that one day and know I was the reason for that. I did the cowardly thing of leaving it to last minute, but you said you were busy, and then I read your letter and knew this couldn’t keep going. So yes I wrote that note and left the next day which probably hurt you a lot-“

He Yu suddenly turned around and interrupted Xie QingCheng.

“-Probably? You have no idea how fucking awful I felt for years. I hurt myself more times than I could count. I hurt others too. I hated you more than I ever hated anyone. But more than I hated you, I hated myself, I gave you that power over me, and I ended up reaping the consequences of it. You have no idea how devastated I was. Did you ever think about me even once in those ten years? Because I thought of you, every single day Xie QingCheng.” He slowly walked his way back towards Xie QingCheng with a step getting closer with each word he spoke until he was standing in front of him.

That was truly the first time He Yu had fully noticed and took in their new height difference. Xie QingCheng’s eyes were brimmed with red around them from anger, the peach blossom eyes He Yu loved to look at so much held too much contempt aimed at him.

Xie QingCheng took a step back but kept eye contact with him, “of course I did He Yu, but I had other priorities, my sister for starters, but also my wife and marriage-“

“Right, that marriage. And how did that go for you again? If that was me, I would have never had letten you go. If we wanted two different things, I would have changed myself so we were on the same page. I would have loved you endlessly and fought tooth and nail to keep you. If you married me instead, you never would have had a divorce-“

“I thought you were over me?”

Alarmed, He Yu paused for a minor second, and stumbled on his words. “I- I am, I’m just saying back then. If we married back ten years ago, then your life and marriage would have been different-“

“We would have never of married ten years ago He Yu, you were fucking thirteen and I’m your teacher-“

“Ex teacher, you haven’t been my teacher for ten years so don’t use that as an excuse.”

Fed up with He Yu’s bullshit, Xie QingCheng broke the heated eye contact and moved to sit back on the lounge. He sat straight and took a long mouthful of tea. “What about my sexuality? I can’t change that I’m not attracted to men, or I can’t change my age. I could be your father or uncle He Yu-“

“Who cares, even if you were my father or uncle, I still would have been in love with you regardless.” Calmed down slightly, he made his way towards the lounge, but instead sat on the coffee table so they were both across from each other and eye to eye.

“That’s incest He Yu.”

“I don’t care about that.”

And he really didn’t. As long as someone wanted him, loved him, accepted him for who he was, gave him a home, and never left him. He didn’t care who it was. It could have been a random person the streets, a best friend, a personal tutor, or even his own father. It just so happened that He Yu loved and felt all of those emotions for his ex teacher.

Given up trying to figure He Yu out, Xie QingCheng sighed. “Fine whatever, is there anything else you want to say or ask me?”

He Yu had a million more things to say, to ask, ‘were you ever miserable when you thought about me?’ ‘Did you regret ever meeting me?’ ‘Am I still just a child in your eyes?’ ‘Did you keep my letter?’ ‘I hate you so much that I had vivid dreams of slashing your throat open and watching you bleed to death.’ ‘I love you so much that I cried mourning the life we could have had.’ ‘I love you so much that you were my first thoughts when I woke up, and always my last.’ ‘I love you so catastrophically much that I would be willing to kill myself in front of you just so you would never forget me for as long as you lived.’

But the words that came out of his mouth was a simple, “what was your wife like?”

“Seriously? That’s what you want to ask me?” Xie QingCheng was stunned. He didn’t know He Yu was so invested in his ex wife.

“Yes.”

“She was good, she was understanding and respectful. She never forced me to change, even when my smoking habit became worse. She knew how to cook well, but she also didn’t cook all the time which I liked, since I do enjoy cooking. Overall she was a good person, and maybe even a perfect wife. Are you happy now?”

Ever since He Yu had found out the existence of Xie QingCheng’s wife, he had been desperate to attain every piece of information of her that he could find out. But he was worried. Worried that if he found out more about her, that he couldn’t live or measure up to her. He wanted Xie QingCheng to be his so badly, his body felt like it couldn’t function without the thought of Xie QingCheng occupying his every waking thoughts.

The day Xie QingCheng left a huge gaping hole opened up inside his heart, that became worse and worse the longer he went without staring at Xie QingCheng, talking with him, smelling his scent. He loved him so much he was terrified that he wasn’t enough for Xie QingCheng. He was terrified that this wife of his was so good, was so perfect, that it was impossible for He Yu to even compare.

If Xie QingCheng couldn’t make it work with a woman who was so much better than He Yu in every way. Someone who knew how to look after themselves, someone who knew how to cook, someone who was respectful and understanding, someone who was a woman. Then how did He Yu even stand a chance being with Xie QingCheng for the rest of his life?

“Why did you end things then? If she seemed so perfect, why didn’t it work?”

“Seriously He Yu, why are you asking me this shit?”

“Just answer the question.” Was he even capable of being in a relationship, of being in love if he had never felt love before? Was he capable of loving someone forever and being loved forever?

“Fine, she wanted romance, to feel loved unconditionally, and I didn’t do love and romance. She also wanted children, but I wasn’t ready. We just wanted two different things out of our marriage, we didn’t see eye to eye.”

“So you are saying that even a seemingly perfect couple can’t work?” He kept pushing, he wasn’t sure what he was prying for, what answer he wanted to hear from Xie QingCheng.

Maybe he needed to hear the truth once and for all, that He Yu wasn’t adequate enough for a long lasting healthy relationship. Maybe if he heard the words from Xie QingCheng, he might have been able to let go of him as much as he could and no longer pursue him.

“I didn’t say that, I’m saying we didn’t work. Heaps of couples make it work, we just weren’t one of them. Seriously, what is this all about?”

“It’s nothing, just me asking questions.”

Xie QingCheng studied He Yu’s eyes for a minute, he felt like he was being dissected and cut up to view his inner most thoughts and secrets. Once Xie QingCheng seemed to have found whatever he was looking for searching in He Yu’s eyes, he sat forward with determination coating his own intoxicating peach blossom eyes.

“I think if you love someone strong enough, and if you have the drive to fight for your relationship. Then no matter what troubles you encounter you will get through them and last forever. My ex wife and I, we didn’t have that love or drive, do you understand what I am saying He Yu? It has nothing to do with how ‘perfect’ or ‘good’ you are. A relationship will only work if you are willing to fight for it, if you love someone enough, if you accept that hard times will come and you will have to work through them. It’s all about effort, not the qualities or characteristics of a person.”

He Yu looked down at his fingers and didn’t speak for a long while, but eventually in a soft and croaky voice an, “okay,” could be heard circulating the room.

He understood what he meant. Xie QingCheng thought he was capable of love.

Xie QingCheng had a warm and gentle smile on his face as he watched He Yu slowly understand his words. Not wanting to be caught, Xie QingCheng stilled his facial expression before he spoke in a neutral tone.

“Ever since my ex wife and I got a divorce, I have been stuck. Not progressing, not moving, just staying the same. I will be turning forty in four years, I’m not afraid of growing older, of losing my looks, or even of death. However, I do want to experience life, I’ve been wanting to do something exciting, something new, something daring-“

Hearing those words, He Yu perked up, “something exciting? I have the perfect idea Xie ge, you’re going to love it. Can you take a few days off this weekend?” He smiled mischievously, he was going to make sure his Xie QingCheng experienced something exciting and new aright.

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If He Yu had to say so himself, he was impressed with the yacht he brought, especially if he managed to make Xie QingCheng speechless.

“He Yu what the fuck is this? When you said we should do something for a few days I didn’t expect for you to hire a fucking yacht.”

“Hire? You think so little of me Xie ge, I brought it obviously.” He Yu couldn’t believe that Xie QingCheng really thought he would have hired something, it was honestly a bit disheartening. Was the fact that his dad owned a business and He Yu was the CTO of said company meant nothing to Xie QingCheng?

“Brought? Isn’t that irresponsible-“

“Don’t worry, here I’ll show you around,” He Yu moved from the dock towards the ramp leading to He Yu’s brand new yacht. When his feet touched the ground on the yacht he turned around and saw Xie QingCheng standing on the dock still, his nose scrunched, his beautiful lips slightly opened. “You can’t be serious about this? Alone on a yacht together for three days?”

“There are staff it’s not just us, now come on. Didn’t you say you wanted to do something exciting?” His lips curved into a challenging smirk to egg Xie QingCheng on. He was going to get Xie QingCheng on this damn yacht, even if that meant forcing him.

Xie QingCheng rolled his eyes, “fine,” he picked up his bags from the dock in a way that reminded He Yu of an adult placating a child having a tantrum, and made his way towards the yacht. Well looked like He Yu didn’t need to force Xie QingCheng after all. He smiled in victory.

He Yu shuffled Xie QingCheng inside the yacht, and took him on a tour, “okay so there are three levels, we are on the middle level this is where our bedrooms are- don’t worry we have seperate rooms, which each room has an ensuite as well. Our lounge room, dining room, and a massive bar is on this level as well. The top level is the outside entertainment, hot tub, outside bar, another table, and lounges to sit on. The bottom level is all the staff accommodation and utilities, don’t worry you won’t need to go down there.”

The yacht was incredibly clean, sleek, and expensive. The wooden architect inside gave the feeling of a more homey environment rather than yacht that cost millions. However the outside entertainment was a more modern white design, the juxtaposition between wooden and modern was appealing to the eye. Xie QingCheng stood in the middle of the second level and looked around his surroundings, disbelief written all over his face.

“When I said I wanted to do something exciting I meant something more like skydiving, not staying on a fancy yacht.” He Yu watched as Xie QingCheng ran his fingers against the fabric of the beige lounge, “I know, but well this still counts as something exciting doesn’t it?”

He Yu stood with his hand held out between him and Xie QingCheng wanting to see if he could push his luck slightly, he already managed to convince Xie QingCheng to be on a yacht with him, surely he could convince him to hold his hand. The other however, ended up staring at He Yu’s hand with astonishment, not making a move to move forward or to take his hand. Realising Xie QingCheng wasn’t planning on indulging him, He Yu dropped his hand with a sigh, “follow me, I’ll show you to your room.”

Down a hallway was two bedrooms both with a  queen sized bed, tv, windows to view the water, and an ensuite. It was nice, spacious but also gave them privacy. He Yu wasn’t stupid enough to do anything to Xie QingCheng, he didn’t want to risk losing him a second time, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about it.

“You can choose your own room, I don’t mind which one, settle in first and then we will depart soon okay?” Xie QingCheng examined the two rooms thoroughly before choosing the room that looked less like a master bedroom and more like a guest room, leaving He Yu with the better room. “Thanks,” Xie QingCheng said with hesitation in his voice.

Before He Yu could utter a simple ‘you’re welcome,’ Xie QingCheng closed his door in He Yu’s face. Okay so maybe trapping Xie QingCheng on a yacht with him for the next three days wasn’t his best idea.

The yacht departed two hours ago and not once in those hours had He Yu seen Xie QingCheng. He was lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling reflecting on everything that had happened between them in just a week. A reunion, a conversation about their past, and now they were on a fucking yacht together.

Seeing Xie QingCheng again coincidentally after ten years, realising that he was just as gorgeous as he was ten years ago, if not more. Being able to vocalise all the pent up emotions and thoughts that he had held suppressed for ten years was one of the most therapeutic experiences of He Yu’s life. It was exhausting, but relaxing as well.

He wasn’t sure what outcome he wanted out of this trip, Xie QingCheng had made it very clear from the beginning that he didn’t like men and wasn’t interested. Besides, He Yu had also stated that he was over him, so it’s not like he could just take it all back now. But knowing Xie QingCheng was just around the corner, that he could just go over to him, press him against the wall and kiss his lips. Well it made it difficult to keep his word that he wouldn’t do anything to Xie QingCheng.

Overwhelmed with pent up energy, He Yu leapt up from his bed, he needed to get some fresh air, and a fucking drink. And food, the sun was beginning to set.

He slowly made his way through the hallway where the two rooms were and up to the outside entertainment area. As he stepped outside one of staff stopped him, “would you like anything to eat or drink sir?”

“Sure, give me one of your best bottles of wine, and I’ll have some omelette.” The staff bowed and left him alone, as he walked further outside he saw Xie QingCheng smoking. He was standing behind the hot tub, leaning against the glass fencing. “You’re here?”

“Where else would I have been?” He turned around and stared at He Yu who had a dumbfounded expression. “In your room?”

“I’m not wasting this experience cooped up inside, and I said I wanted to do something exciting didn’t I?” Xie QingCheng took another puff from his cigarette and exhaled it out.

“Yeah that is true, I just haven’t seen you for hours.”

“Not everything is about you He Yu,” he turned back to face the ocean. He Yu felt like a puppy who had been abandoned by his owner. He slowly shuffled to stand beside Xie QingCheng, “you’re right, I just thought- never mind, it doesn’t matter.”

The two stood in silence, He Yu stared out to the ocean whilst Xie QingCheng begun to light another cigarette.

“You never used to smoke this much back then did you?”

“No, some things happened and I began to smoke more than I used to. Does the smell bother you?”

“Slightly,” He Yu had always disliked the smell of cigarettes, he found it repulsive and hard to be around. But if he had to endure the smell to be around Xie QingCheng, then he would do it.

After confessing that he wasn’t a fan of smokes, Xie QingCheng put the cigarette out and sighed. He turned back around to face the yacht with his back leaned up against the glass paneling.

“The hot tub,” Xie QingCheng suddenly said.

“Hm?” He Yu was in his own world, thoughts circulating around his mind.

“We should go in the hot tub tonight, or now, the sun is setting after all.”

“Now?” He was not ready to be in a hot tub with Xie QingCheng, he did not need a boner.

“Why not?” Xie QingCheng pushed away from the glass and removed his shirt. The tub was already pre-filled ready to go, courtesy of the staff.

He Yu’s line of sight instantly went to Xie QingCheng’s exposed naked chest. There was no way he could survive this experience without getting a boner.

Xie QingCheng submerged half his body in the water, and leaned his back against the tub, “are you coming or not?”

“Here are the food and wine you wanted sir, I’ll grab a table to place near the hot tub for you.” The staff who asked He Yu earlier if he wanted anything, had a little trolley containing two plates of omelettes, two empty wine glasses, and a bucket filled with ice that had wine in it.

“See, even the food and drinks you ordered will be here. Now hurry up and join me.”

Backed into a corner, He Yu groaned as he pulled his shirt over his head and chucked it on the ground. If he ended up getting a boner, he will be claiming it was Xie QingCheng’s fault.

His feet touched the warm water, it was pleasantly nice, not too hot, or too cold. He settled in relatively close to Xie QingCheng, but not too close. If his eyes drifted to his nipples, He Yu was done for.

The staff came back with a table and placed it within reaching distance from the hot tub. Soon the food and wine were dished out, “enjoy your meals.”

They sat inside the hot tub in silence eating the delicious food. The atmosphere around them was awkward. He Yu just couldn’t figure Xie QingCheng out. He acted like he didn’t want anything to do with He Yu, acted like he didn’t care, but then pulled this shit? Practically seducing He Yu to join the hot tub with him. He loved Xie QingCheng, but he wasn’t always easy to understand.

Still in silence, the two finished their dinners within ten minutes. They both put aside their plates back on the table provided to them.

Xie QingCheng drifted in the hot tub to sit across from He Yu. Xie QingCheng was now in the middle of the hot tub, whilst He Yu was up against the wall. “What’s on your mind?” Xie QingCheng asked with subtle concern.

“Nothing,” he answered suspiciously quickly, Xie QingCheng raised an eyebrow in doubt.

“I might not be able to be there for you like you want me to, but I can still care about yo-“

The yacht suddenly jerked a bit too much, forcing the water in the hot tub to sway, He Yu was pushed from the current and force, and fell on top of Xie QingCheng.

Pushing himself away instantly to minimise the risk of a boner happening, he moved back to where he was before. However he noticed that during the commotion, Xie QingCheng hair became a mess.

He swam until he was up close to Xie QingCheng, he softly moved a piece of his hair out of Xie QingCheng’s face, and tenderly asked. “Xie ge, why can’t you give us a chance?”

Xie QingCheng didn’t shrink back from the physical contact between them, and instead stared into He Yu’s eyes. “I thought you moved on.”

“I lied. I never stopped thinking about you. Not once. For over ten years you have been my one motivation and desire in life. I still love you, but you must know that already.”

He Yu’s hand moved from behind Xie QingCheng’s ear and he cupped his cheek, rubbing it with his thumb with care.

With a sigh, once again, Xie QingCheng answered his first question, “you know why-“

“Yes, yes, you are straight, you don’t like men, and also because you were my teacher. Yes I know why, but it’s fucking stupid. I have a friend, a few years older than me and he is dating his uni teacher. This teacher of his has known him since he was fifteen as well. It can work for them, so it can work for us too”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I’m straight He Yu”

Ignoring Xie QingCheng’s response, he leaned his forehead against Xie QingCheng’s, and said in a voice so quietly, that one wouldn’t have heard it unless they were in a close proximity to He Yu.

“I love you and want to be with you, pretending that I was over you teared me up from the inside. Every cell in my body exists for you, pretending for even one second that you didn’t mean everything to me, that you didn’t save my life, that you didn’t make me feel less lonely, that you didn’t give me those sensations of warmth, went against everything my biology lives for. I wanted so badly to be able to change your mind on me, on us. To show you that I could be just as good as any woman out there. To prove to you that I am serious about you and have been since I was thirteen. But I’m starting to understand now how impossible that task is-“

“He Yu-“

“No let me finish,” He Yu didn’t remove his forehead, he closed his eyes and once more bared his entire soul to Xie QingCheng. He would clumsily break apart his body and give Xie QingCheng every piece of it. He would tear open his chest and show Xie QingCheng his heart so he knew that it only beat for one person, and one person only. He would stitch Xie QingCheng body onto his own, so the two of them never had to separate ever again.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. For as long as I live, I vow to dedicate my entire existence to you.”

With his eyes still closed, his body shook slightly when he felt Xie QingCheng’s hand suddenly come into contact with his cheek, mirroring He Yu’s own hand position. Cautious, He Yu opened up his eyes and gasped when he saw the mixed emotions swirling through Xie QingCheng’s eyes.

He Yu didn’t know what to make out of it all. He tried labelling the emotions he saw, but they changed and fluctuated too often for He Yu to even name and recognise one.

The two stayed like that for a long time, their foreheads connected, a hand each on the other’s cheek, staring at each other in silence.

It was almost perfect, until Xie QingCheng broke away. “I’m sorry, I’m tired. I’ll be heading off to bed now.” He Yu’s world crumbled as he watched Xie QingCheng move away from him, and slowly hop out of the hot tub, returning to his room without even sparing a glance back at He Yu.

Half the day had already gone by and He Yu was irritated. His day started with eating breakfast with Xie QingCheng inside, in complete and utter fucking silence. Xie QingCheng seemed quite content to just eat in silence and not speak a single word to him.

After enduring breakfast, barely, He Yu went to sulk in his room. Well not entirely. He went to freshen up in the shower, and sulk whilst doing so. If Xie QingCheng wanted to pretend that nothing happened that night then fine, two could play it that game.

He was currently on the deck reading a book whilst lying on one of the two white lounges placed there. He had a refreshing drink on the small table beside him. It was calm, quiet, and had no Xie QingCheng around so he couldn’t get pissed off. He became quite engrossed with his book that the sound of footsteps fell to deaths ears.

When the sound of fabric sinking in, taking the weight of a human filtered through his ears, that was when he tore his eyes away from his novel about an ex patient and doctor, and saw Xie QingCheng was also lying on the lounge reading a book.

Pissed off for no reason, he left the deck and locked himself in his room.

He became too influenced by his emotions that He Yu even had dinner in his room. He made the staff bring him his dinner just so he didn’t have to potentially bump into Xie QingCheng. He wasn’t even sure why he was so pissed off, maybe because once again he told Xie QingCheng how he felt and he run away. Maybe because Xie QingCheng was so frustrating to deal with sometimes. Maybe because He Yu once again let Xie QingCheng have that power over him. He wasn’t sure.

A notification from his phone shook him out of his thoughts, He Yu might have been on a little get away, but unfortunately work stopped for nothing and no one. He was sitting on the eggs of his bed tapping on his phone, sending emails to both subordinates and superiors alike. The sudden sound of shuffling feet caught He Yu’s attention, but he ignored it thinking Xie QingCheng was retiring for the night. Thank god.

A knock hit against the wooden door of his bedroom, He Yu was in the middle of writing an  important email, he was too busy trying to make sure no one fucked anything up while he was away. “He Yu can we talk?” Xie QingCheng’s voice was too close to be outside his door, so he assumed he let himself in.

“What about?” Distracted by the email at hand, he replied expecting for Xie QingCheng to continue speaking about whatever he wanted. “He Yu.”

“Yes?” He wasn’t sure what Xie QingCheng was trying to get at, but he didn’t have any time for it, he still had at least five more emails left to write. He was already irritated and pissed from Xie QingCheng acting like nothing happened between them last night, and now this? He really didn’t have the time. He Yu continued to tap on his phone and hadn’t looked up once since Xie QingCheng entered his room.

“He Yu!”

“What?” Beginning to become pissed off from getting interrupted by Xie QingCheng, he finally looked up from his phone and stared at Xie QingCheng to show he wasn’t in the mood or had the time.

However when he finally actually looked at Xie QingCheng, his breath hitched. He Yu’s throat became as dry as sandpaper, his lips parted in clear shock and his tongue subconsciously licked them, his cock instantly became hard.

Standing at He Yu’s doorway was Xie QingCheng wearing a dark blue slim fitting silk nightgown with a matching dark blue silk dressing gown. The nightgown also had a slit coming up one of his sides. The dark blue complimented Xie QingCheng’s pale skin exceptionally well, it created the sense that his skin was paler than it actually was.

He Yu was fucked.

The phone was turned off and tossed to the side without a single fucking care in the world.

Thinking from his dick rather than his head, he sprung from the bed and stood just staring and taking in Xie QingCheng, wearing a fucking nightgown and showing him? Not one to let an opportunity slide, He Yu walked like a predator sizing down his pray, closing the distance between them with each step.

When he finally stood less than twenty centimetres away from Xie QingCheng, he gave one more glance up and down. The nightgown only went halfway down Xie QingCheng’s ridiculously long legs, it tugged at the right places, his chest, his waist, his hips. All places he had fantasied about for the past ten years, places where he wanted to kiss, mark, bite, cum on.

Sparks flew around them, well at least to He Yu it felt like it did, when he looked into Xie QingCheng’s eyes and saw that look of someone wanting, begging, to be devoured. No words were said, and no words were needed, not at this moment at least.

He Yu gripped the back of Xie QingCheng’s hair and smashed their lips together. Without hesitation they both kissed each other like they have never kissed anyone before (okay this might have been He Yu’s first kiss, but details, it didn’t matter), kissed like they would never kiss anybody ever again, kissed like this was their first time breathing.

It was desperate, and hard. Ten fucking years of yearning, of pain, of hatred, of love, of warmth went into that kiss.

He Yu inexperienced, tried experimenting to see what worked and felt best for them. He bit lightly on Xie QingCheng’s bottom lip, like a nibble, something he had dreamt of doing for years, and noticed he didn’t get a bad reaction. Wanting to push his luck further, and fulfil a fantasy, he bit down harder on Xie QingCheng’s lip, which drew a small moan out of him.

Having heard the moan, no matter how small or little, he bit down harder, waiting for Xie QingCheng’s mouth to part. He kissed him more intensely, to the point it almost hurt having their lips pressed against each other so tightly. Seeking the warmth of Xie QingCheng, He Yu pulled him in closer and tugged his hair harder. Xie QingCheng being able to tell what He Yu wanted, wrapped his arms around He Yu’s neck, which doing so created the action of both of their hard cocks rubbing against each other.

At the contact of friction, the two both parted their lips and moaned. Seizing this opportunity, He Yu went back to obtaining Xie QingCheng’s lips, and his mouth. He pushed his tongue through the slightly parted lips and swirled it around Xie QingCheng’s tongue.

The kiss became more frantic, He Yu’s hands lightened their grip of Xie QingCheng’s hair, they begun to wander around his back, mapping his body out. Xie QingCheng noticing He Yu was distracted, took over the control of their kiss. He slowed it down slightly, wanting to show He Yu the joys of a deep, slow, and steady kiss. He Yu slowed down the movements of his hands as he noticed the change of pace, his hands slowly relocated to Xie QingCheng’s waist. Finally being able to hold onto it, to use his waist as a piston to push their cocks closer together felt like heaven.

He held his hands on Xie QingCheng’s waist, the two continued their kiss in a slow and earnest manner. Needing to stop for air, their lips separated and two separate pants could be heard.

“He Yu?”

Dazed, He Yu hummed quietly as he gazed at Xie QingCheng’s chest. He wanted to lick, suck, and bite those nipples until they looked red and abused.

“Take off my dressing gown.”

“Hm?”

“Take it off.”

Definitely not one to ignore a request from his Xie ge, he took off his dressing gown without a second thought. When the material dropped to the floor, He Yu’s eyes travelled upwards. But when he caught sight of the upper part of Xie QingCheng’s nightgown, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Underneath the thin straps were thicker red straps. “What is this?” His fingers were about to lightly stroke the two different straps, however Xie QingCheng stepped backwards creating a distance between them.

Confused even more, he followed Xie QingCheng with his eyes as he walked with intention to He Yu’s bed. Once he reached his destination he crawled on his bed, lying down on his side in the middle with his elbow holding him up. Xie QingCheng stared He Yu down, “why don’t you come and find out?”

“Fuck.”

He climbed onto his bed faster than a dog could do a party trick. Xie QingCheng changed his position, he was no longer lying on a side but instead on his back. His two elbows dug into the mattress behind him to prop his upper body up, his head leaned against the bed rest, and his left foot placed flat against the bed causing his left knee to be raised.

He Yu stopped himself at the foot of Xie QingCheng, taking in the view. He was so fucking sexy, He Yu had no idea how he had resisted for so long. After having crawled over to Xie QingCheng like a dog, he slightly opened Xie QingCheng’s legs wider to allow himself to slot between them. He manoeuvred them into a new placement, He Yu sat down with his legs crossed, having one of Xie QingCheng’s long sexy legs thrown over each side.

The sight of Xie QingCheng lying in front of him, wearing a silk nightgown with something underneath for He Yu to discover, his legs lying on top of He Yu’s crossed ones, looking ready to be eaten and devoured. It was better than any wet dream or fantasy He Yu has ever had.

He slightly leaned forward so one of his arms could wrap around the back of Xie QingCheng, his other free hand gripped the back of his hair. With the arm around his back, He Yu pulled Xie QingCheng towards him, and manoeuvred Xie QingCheng to sit snug on his lap. Xie QingCheng’s legs wrapped around He Yu’s back once he was seated in his lap, his head was forcibly moved by the hand in his hair, leaning his face upwards and pressed against He Yu’s lips once more.

The two entangled in a long kiss once again, it was frantic, fast, desperate, and messy. They both fought over who had the control and dominance over the kiss, which made the kiss a heated battle. He Yu kept pulling Xie QingCheng in closer, as if in hopes to permanently sew the two bodies together. Xie QingCheng used one of his hands to grab hold of the arm wrapped around him and pushed it towards the rim of his nightgown, trying his best to focus He Yu’s attention back to the original task.

Having had his attention refocused, his lips parted from Xie QingCheng’s lips and he pressed a kiss on his neck. Both of He Yu’s hands drifted towards the nightgown whilst he pressed slow kisses trying to mark Xie QingCheng’s neck. His hands slowly begun to lift the nightgown off of Xie QingCheng’s body (one day He Yu had to fuck him with the nightgown on), when it got around the neck, He Yu left one final kiss before moving back to finally take the nightgown off and finding out what was waiting for him.

Red lingerie  covered all over Xie QingCheng’s body, the ones over his chest resembled something similar to a bra leaving his tits and nipples fully exposed. The straps around his groin area also left his hard leaking cock fully exposed. The red pressed against his pale skin looked more appealing and sexy than the dark blue was.

He Yu’s mind short circuited, this wasn’t something spontaneous. Xie QingCheng purposely chose these items of clothing knowing that they complimented him well, and he purposely sought He Yu out full well knowing the effect it would have on him. Xie QingCheng had to have planned this before their trip, he packed them after all.

Deciding not to focus too much on the details of it all at that moment, He Yu instead focused on a Xie QingCheng who was giving himself to He Yu. He was still sat on his lap with his legs wrapped around him, He Yu didn’t know what he wanted to taste first.

Remembering that they were in a hot tub last night, and He Yu had to see Xie QingCheng shirtless, he gave his revenge and pinched one of Xie QingCheng’s nipples. He instantly got a reaction out of him, a groan slipped out of his mouth, the pretty noise from his Xie QingCheng egged He Yu to see what else he could draw out.

He flicked his nipple with quite a bit of force, a breathy moan was what welcomed him. He Yu smiled, this was everything he has dreamt of.

“Does it feel good Xie ge?”

Xie QingCheng titled his head back as He Yu rubbed one of his nipples in his fingers, he panted lightly. “Xie ge?”

“Hm?”

“Am I good?” He Yu wasn’t sure why he wanted to hear Xie QingCheng praise him, it was just something He Yu wanted vehemently. He went back to kissing his neck and shoulder whilst his fingers nimbly played with Xie QingCheng’s nipple.

Whilst one of his hands was occupied with flicking, pinching, and rubbing Xie QingCheng’s nipples and chest, his other hand slowly travelled down, mapping his body in careful movements. His hand eventually cupped Xie QingCheng’s ass, finally being able to touch and hold it, He Yu’s heart burst with excitement. Was all of this really real? Could He Yu really believe that Xie QingCheng wanted him?

Getting swept up in everything, He Yu slapped Xie QingCheng’s ass, “fuck!” Xie QingCheng moaned from the slap, his body moved on instinct and he ground down on He Yu’s lap, their cocks coming into contact.

Feeling Xie QingCheng’s leaking, red, hard cock touched his through the material of his pants, desire washed over him. He wanted to suck Xie QingCheng’s cock. His mouth left the area of Xie QingCheng’s neck and went back to kissing his sweet plump lips. In between kisses he mumbled, “Xie ge, I want to suck you off.”

Xie QingCheng guided He Yu’s mouth away from his so they could properly talk, “have you ever done it before?”

Confused by his question, his nose scrunched up, “what are you talking about?”

“Have you ever given a blowjob before He Yu?” He rolled his eyes, he didn’t think it was a difficult question.

“No, I know what you meant, but I’ve never had sex? Why would I, if I only ever wanted to fuck you?” He Yu thought that was a stupid question, obviously He Yu wouldn’t touch anyone else that wasn’t Xie QingCheng.

“You’re a virgin?”

“Yes?”

Xie QingCheng’s mouth parted slightly, a million different thoughts rushed through his mind but he couldn’t voice a single one out. He Yu witnessing all of this, laughed at Xie QingCheng’s speechlessness.

When he finally spoke what came out was a frightened, “I’m not letting your inexperienced mouth near my dick.”

“I might not be inexperienced, but I know what I’m doing, so please can I?” Xie QingCheng couldn’t believe it, He Yu was giving him puppy dog eyes and he actually looked like a fucking dog.

“No way, at least not near my dick. I have a better idea,” he carefully untangled his legs from He Yu’s back and slid off his lap. He moved towards the pillows at the head of the bed, and indicated with his finger for He Yu to come closer. “You could use your mouth for something else, you don’t have any lube in here do you?”

His breath hitched, “no.”

“Then prepare me with your mouth.”

In a rush of anticipation, He Yu pounced on Xie QingCheng. He kissed his lips, his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his collarbones, his chest (and gave extra attention to his tits and nipples), he kissed everywhere his heart desired. As his body and lips went further down closer to Xie QingCheng’s waist, he stopped his kisses.

He Yu held onto his waist and with no warning flipped Xie QingCheng so he was now on his hands and knees. He Yu licked his lips when he saw Xie QingCheng’s ass just waiting to be eaten and fucked good and hard.

Not wasting a single second, He Yu pulled aside the strap in between Xie QingCheng’s ass and ate him out like a man starved. His tongue lapped inside his hole, devouring the scent and taste of one of Xie QingCheng’s most intimate places.

Although He Yu was thoroughly enjoying his time eating out Xie QingCheng’s ass, he didn’t expect for his jaw to ache this much, but he would endure any discomfort he had to in order to have the opportunity to ingest his sweet taste.

He pushed his tongue in further swirling around the canal of his ass, eliciting a moan from Xie QingCheng. He Yu removed his tongue and gave a light kiss on his ass cheek, “am I doing good Xie ge? Do you feel good?”

“Mm, it’s good, but it needs to be wetter.”

He gave another quick kiss on his ass before diving back in. Spurred on by the praise, he spat on his hole directly to help lubricate it further. His tongue pushed all the spit in his ass, trying his hardest to get it as wet as possible. He Yu moaned when Xie QingCheng begun to squirm from the constant pressure of his tongue inside his ass. He loved knowing he made Xie QingCheng feel good.

Becoming addicted with the taste of Xie QingCheng on his tongue, he didn’t notice at first when Xie QingCheng crawled forward slightly, it was only when He Yu’s tongue was no longer shoved up his ass that he realised. He looked over at Xie QingCheng, he was still on his hands and knees, he had his head thrown over his shoulder so he could stare at He Yu.

An idea popped into his head. He Yu rubbed his clothed hard cock a tiny bit to give him some relief before he focused his attention on making his Xie QingCheng feel good and cum.

He Yu realised he was still wearing far too many clothes for the occasion and needed to change that now. He lifted his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor in his room somewhere (it was the least of his worries right now). He crawled up behind Xie QingCheng on his knees, his cock was pressed right up against Xie QingCheng’s ass. He shoved the his fingers on his right hand in Xie QingCheng’s mouth and in a commanding tone said, “suck.”

In a trance Xie QingCheng sucked on them sloppily, he sucked on He Yu’s fingers and swirled his tongue, making sure they were all lathered up and wet enough. The feeling of Xie QingCheng’s tongue sucking and licking his fingers ignited the heat in his body to burn brighter and hotter. He needed his cock inside this man and breeding him now or he would die.

Impatient he ripped his fingers out of Xie QingCheng’s mouth, “can I finger you Xie ge?” His fingers covered in Xie QingCheng’s saliva, and his other hand pulling aside the lingerie, he circled around the rim of Xie QingCheng’s ass, he lightly pushed one finger in, but not enough for it to enter inside.

Xie QingCheng remained silent, but he push his ass back, allowing for He Hu’s finger to penetrate his tight hole. Having gotten silent permission, he pushed one of his finger inside Xie QingCheng’s ass. Although his fingers had saliva on them and he already ate his ass, it was still incredibly difficult to invade the tight small hole.

Determined, He Yu pushed with more force trying to get a full finger inside. Xie QingCheng was silent during the ordeal, it was more painful than pleasurable, but he didn’t want to discourage He Yu. He tried calming down and relaxing so it made it easier for He Yu to penetrate.

After a few slow attempts, He Yu finally got a finger inside. The feeling felt different around his fingers rather than his tongue, but it wasn’t less enjoyable. He slid the finger in and out, trying to get Xie QingCheng’s ass used to the feeling of penetration before he tried stretching it out to prepare for a single finger and something much bigger later on.

“You’re sucking me in so good Xie ge, I can’t wait to feel your tiny hole wrapped around my cock.”

Not being able to hold out longer, Xie QingCheng’s elbow gave out creating an arch in his back. He moaned softly from He Yu’s finger and the dirty talk. Once he felt Xie QingCheng was used to the feeling, he started to stretch him out in preparation. He Yu knew he was doing a good job when he drew more moans out of Xie QingCheng’s pretty mouth.

“I think you’re ready for a second finger, can I?” He gave a soft kiss on his temple, whilst stretching him, and waited to hear Xie QIngCheng’s answer.

A swift nod was his response, without waiting a second he pushed a second finger inside. Now having two fingers inside, he begun to scissor his hole, his brain to mouth filter disappeared in the process.

“Xie ge, your ass feels so good around my fingers.”

“You take me so well, imagine how you will look taking my cock.”

“I will fill you up with my cum until you look swollen like a pregnant woman.”

Little breathy moans and sighs escaped Xie QingCheng’s mouth, the pleasure became more noticeable and more apparent than the stingy burning pain was at the beginning.

He Yu slid in a third finger, and a bit afterwards a fourth. When four fingers were inside, Xie QingCheng was well and truly stretched wide.

“He Yu.”

“Yes?”

“If you don’t hurry up I will leave. So fuck me and fuck me hard.” Xie QingCheng said with frustration and command.

“Fuck,” frantically He Yu pulled all four fingers out, and quickly took his pants and underwear off in one go. His cock sprang out and He Yu hissed when the cool air hit his hot, and massive hard cock. He spat on his hand and lubricated his cock to the best of his abilities. He needed to feel that heat warmth around his aching leaking cock now.

Xie QingCheng’s eyes widen when he finally saw He Yu’s cock, it was way too big, especially for a guy this young.

“You like it Xie ge? Do you like my fat cock?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” He Yu beamed a victorious smile when he saw Xie QingCheng stared at He Yu’s cock with desire even after he declared it was ‘ridiculous’. He gave a show of his cock, he lightly held it in his hand so Xie QingCheng could compare the size of his big thick cock to his hand.

Xie QingCheng turned his head around to face the bedrest instead, He Yu was certain he saw a faint blush. He Yu aligned his cock to Xie QingCheng’s rim, he pushed just a tiny bit, “are you ready?”

“Just hurry the fuck up.” Well he wasn’t going to turn down a request from his Xie QingCheng now was he?

Resistance met He Yu’s cock as he tried pushing it, but of course his Xie ge’s tight hole couldn’t accept such a massive cock easily. He kept trying over and over to make his cock be swallowed whole by the wet heat, but each time his cock only moved a few centimetres deeper at a time.

He was beginning to get frustrated, he just wanted to fuck Xie QingCheng!

“Xie ge, try to relax. Your ass is so tight.”

“Or maybe you just have a stupidly long dick,” Xie QingCheng snapped.

He Yu knew when to fight his battles, and this wasn’t one of them. He concentrated on getting his cock inside Xie QingCheng. After multiple attempts, he was almost all the way in, the velvety heat inside was heavenly. He Yu almost came the moment his tip was seated inside.

Finally, finally, He Yu’s entire cock was inside Xie QingCheng. He stayed still for a moment, to give Xie QingCheng time to adjust but also because he was very close to cumming. He Yu could have cried just from the fact that he finally was able to have sex, this was something he had begged to happen since he was thirteen.

“Hard and fast He Yu.” Xie QingCheng spoke up, once those words were muttered He Yu lost complete control.

He pulled his cock out and slammed it back in as hard as he could, a gasp was heard instantly escaping Xie QingCheng’s mouth. He Yu set a brutal and fast pace, changing his aim inside Xie QingCheng after a few thrusts, trying to find his prostate.

“Fuck, you are so perfect, your tight ass sucks my cock in so well.” His hands tightened his grip on Xie QingCheng’s waist, using it to help him hit harder and harder inside each thrust. “You would look so fucking sexy pregnant with our children. I would fuck a child in you every single year, just to see you swollen because of me.”

Louder moans were panted from Xie QingCheng and He Yu, the both of them too disoriented from the pleasure flooding through both of their bodies.

“Xie ge, Xie ge, you are such a slut coming into my room wearing a nightgown and lingerie for me. I never pegged you as a cock slut.” He Yu felt Xie QingCheng become tighter from his words, shit, Xie QingCheng found the dirty talk and degradation hot.

Overwhelmed by emotions, pleasure, love, and lust, He Yu thrusted faster and sentences spilled out of his mouth like a waterfall.

“You look so beautiful taking my cock so well.”

“I want to fuck you for the rest of our lives. Every day I will fuck you to the point there is a cock shape imprint in your hole.”

“Can’t you feel how hard and heavy my cock is? It’s all filled with cum wanting to fill you up.”

“Don’t you wish you’ve been fucked by my cock since I was thirt-“

“Ah!” Too caught up in everything, He Yu hadn’t been paying attention to Xie QingCheng’s prostate, but the loud scream that ripped through the room could only mean one thing. He found it.

He focused his efforts on continuously hitting Xie QingCheng’s prostate dead on, making sure he felt good. Xie QingCheng stumbled slightly from the intensity of He Yu’s fucking, as he wrapped his hand around his cock and started jerking off.

“Mm, close.”

He Yu fired up by the intention to make Xie QingCheng cum first, a new surge of energy hit him and his thrusts became too much for Xie QingCheng to bear.

“Ah, ah!” Xie QingCheng’s hand moved faster alongside He Yu and soon he was cumming.

Trying to chase his own orgasm whilst also fucking Xie QingCheng through his, He Yu moved his cock slightly and fucked into that small hole with fervour.

“He Yu… mm, you were so good.”

Those words of praise was all He Yu needed to hear before he came. His cum emptied inside Xie QingCheng’s ass, getting him pregnant.

He Yu spooned Xie QingCheng from behind, the two were catching their breaths after fucking four more times, and basking in the serenity of it all. He Yu kissed lightly on Xie QingCheng’s shoulder, and admiring all the marks he created on his body. Xie QingCheng was absentmindedly playing with He Yu’s fingers. He Yu had never felt so much at peace.

When he felt Xie QingCheng still his movements, he spoke in a croaky voice, “everything okay?”

“What’s this on your wrist?” Xie QingCheng pointed to the fading black that occupied one of his wrists. “Oh this? It was a tattoo, but I’m allergic to the ink so now that’s all that remains of it.”

Xie QingCheng carefully traced around the old tattoo in quiet thought. “What was the tattoo?”

“It was a quote from a poem that wrapped around my wrist like a bracelet.”

Xie QingCheng paused in his movements again, “like mine?”

“Yep.”

Sounds of shuffling bedsheets was heard as Xie QingCheng changed his position so he was now facing He Yu. His eyes searched He Yu’s eyes intensely, analysing him, “you got a tattoo because of me?”

“Maybe.” He saw Xie QingCheng furrow his eyebrows, he wanted to laugh at how confused Xie QingCheng looked from just a simple tattoo.

“How old were you?”

“Hm, around fifteen maybe?”

“You got a tattoo at fifteen because of me?” The disbelief was laced all throughout Xie QingCheng’s tone.

“Potentially.”

Xie QingCheng softly smiled at He Yu, he leaned in and pressed a soft but heated kiss on his lips, “you’re insane.”

“Mmm, most likely.” He gave a cheeky smile before he kissed Xie QingCheng back.

He Yu brushed a few strands of hair out of Xie QingCheng’s face. “Hey? What does this all mean?” He asked in a small hushed voice, almost frightened to hear the answer.

“What do you mean? I wouldn’t do this with anyone He Yu.”

“Meaning?”

Another soft smile, Xie QingCheng also brushed aside some of He Yu’s hair from his face. He kissed his nose, and said in a quiet initiate voice. “Meaning He Yu, that I want to be with you, and I have for a long while.”

🪼 🪼 🪼

The thrumming sound of the refrigerator was the only sound that could be heard in Xie QingCheng’s now empty house. It vibrated all throughout the eerily bare house that it could even be heard in his bedroom. The last of Li Ruoqiu’s belongings had finally been moved out of their house and into her new home. It had been a long time since Xie QingCheng had lived on his own, he raised his younger sister until she married her husband, and by then he was already married.

This was the first time in his life that he only had himself to take care of and not anyone else. It was strange, weird even, Xie QingCheng didn’t know what to do with himself. Taking care of others was a lot easier than taking care of himself, he always put the needs of his younger sister’s first. She was always his first priority, but now himself was his first priority.

He stood dazed in his bedroom, the decor was now bare, there wasn’t any of the personal touch that was once there. He did love his ex wife, in his own way, just not even close to the way she wanted and deserved to be loved. She wanted him to take her out on dates, buy her flowers randomly, compliment her on a daily basis, all things she deserved but Xie QingCheng couldn’t provide.

As he looked around the soulless room, he noticed pieces of papers on the nightstand next to his bed. He was certain he did not place them there, they might have been something of Li Ruoqiu’s or something she wanted to give him. Curiosity over taking, he walked towards the nightstand and noticed a note from Li Ruoqiu lying on top of neatly folded pieces of paper.

I found this when I was sorting through my things, I thought you might wanted to know it was here.

- Li Ruoqiu

He stared at her note with his nose scrunched up and confusion swirling in his thoughts. He wasn’t sure what she found that Xie QingCheng wanted to know was still in his house.

Not wasting a second he picked up the folded papers that laid flat on his nightstand and noticed a quite lengthy weight in his hand. Perplexed he open up the papers with care and read the first sentence.

His heart stopped.

There was no way. He still had this letter?

It was He Yu’s love letter from all those years ago.

Slowly he reread He Yu’s letter, the young boy opening up to him about the negligence of his parents, the consuming feelings of loneliness, and his overwhelming desire to be loved. And then he reached He Yu’s confession, suddenly all at once Xie QingCheng felt intense, burning, devouring love bleed from the genuine words of He Yu and reached his own heart.

He understood it now, what He Yu meant when he said his heart felt like combusting, because Xie QingCheng felt it too. He felt a spark of fire ignited inside his heart due to He Yu’s love for him. His body burnt when he thought about how much love was poured into the letter, the love Xie QingCheng foolishly ignored and undermined nearly ten years ago, the love he had missed out on for close to ten years.

Xie QingCheng who had experienced what it felt like to be in a relationship where their love for each other wasn’t strong enough, reading the heartfelt confession, he now knew what true intense love felt like, because He Yu felt it for him, and he understood it all too clearly now.

Nauseous, Xie QingCheng sat down on his bed staring at He Yu’s letter. He wasn’t sure what this meant for himself. He didn’t like men, he didn’t. He was straight. He always liked women, it was what he was supposed to do and expected of him. He did not like men.

But he couldn’t deny the burning in his stomach, the flames prickling his skin, the desire and want surging in his heart. This letter, that a foolish thirteen year wrote him almost ten years ago, now opened up the gates of Xie QingCheng’s desire. What did this all mean?

In a trance Xie QingCheng searched He Yu on the internet, the first thing he saw was a headline explaining how he was now the CTO of He Pharmaceuticals. He clicked on the link, once it loaded a photo of He Yu was seen.

And holy shit.

Was this desire? Was this want?

He Yu had grown up nicely, his dark black hair companied a face that was definitely not of a young boy anymore, but that of a man’s. His dark eyes were soft and welcoming with a slight dangerous tint to it.

He was attractive, and really hot.

Xie QingCheng found him attractive, and really hot.

Heat bubbled inside his lower body, he recognised the signs of arousal. Whatever he felt, it was aroused.

Determined to search more into He Yu’s life, learn any and every detail, he did a whole deep dive looking up He Yu on the internet. There wasn’t much on his personal life, mostly things related to his family and the business. A few of He Yu’s social media’s did pop up, but they were all private so Xie QingCheng was at a stand still in that department.

But then he accidentally stumbled across a random girl’s social media account. One of her posts mostly featured her face, but in the background He Yu was sitting down at a table with food on a plate. Xie QingCheng read her caption that was below the post.

On a date with He Yu 💛💛

He Yu was on a date? He was dating someone?

Fired by something that definitely wasn’t jealousy, Xie QingCheng looked everywhere to see if He Yu featured on another one of this girl’s social media posts. The search was pointless as he came out empty handed.

Given up, Xie QingCheng sighed, this whole thing was ridiculous. Was he really into men after all? Did he really like He Yu? The little boy he accidentally met when he was ten?

Just as he was about to shut off his phone and call it a day, his eye noticed something on the screen. It was almost like an ad, asking for any wealthy and successful young women in their early twenties willing to gain the opportunity to go on a blind date with He Yu. To Xie QingCheng’s knowledge, it seemed that He Yu’s mother was the one to put the post up.

It was from Xie QingCheng accidentally finding that girl’s social media, which led to him searching all over the internet for a glimpse of He Yu, where he stumbled across the ad posted, that an idea formed in his mind.

He needed to know for certain if whatever the fuck he was feeling, was actually feelings for He Yu. If he somehow was attracted to men, and to He Yu of all people. If somehow even after all these years He Yu still loved him with that same intensity from nearly ten years ago. Because Xie QingCheng wanted that intoxicating love from He Yu, but he needed to be certain.

So the plan?

Go crash one of He Yu’s blind dates and pretend like it was an accident.

🐉 🐉 🐉

“Okay that should be the last box.”

He Yu panted slightly as he dropped what he hoped was the last box on the floor of his and Xie QingCheng’s home. It took much longer than He Yu wanted for them to buy a house together and move in, four months had passed since the yacht trip. He Yu had to wait four excruciatingly long four months before he could live with Xie QingCheng.

Well, he survived ten years without Xie QingCheng, he could wait another four months if he had to. He would wait another ten years for even one chance to be with Xie QingCheng.

“Hm, that’s good. What do you want for dinner?” He Yu perked up like a puppy at the word of dinner, he made his way to Xie QingCheng who was standing in the kitchen opening up boxes to see what was in each one. When he reached Xie QingCheng, he wrapped his arms around his tiny waist and rested his chin against Xie QingCheng’s shoulder. “Is my wife cooking something for me?” His lips trailed down with kisses against his neck.

“No, I can’t find anything in these boxes, we’ll just buy some take out.”

“Hmm okay, what do you want to eat?” He Yu lifted his chin and kissed his shoulder. Being able to kiss Xie QingCheng the way he had wanted and dream of doing for ten years was the most fulfilling feeling of He Yu’s life. He tightened his hold on Xie QingCheng’s waist and pulled him closer towards his chest. He loved the height difference between them because when Xie QingCheng was flushed against his chest his dick was in perfect alignment with his ass. “I don’t mind, but He Yu?”

“Yes?”

“Get your dick away from me.” Sighing, he gave one final kiss on his neck and had to reluctantly push away from the person his heart ached for. He knew not to push Xie QingCheng too far or he would retaliate back and refused and denied He Yu to even touch him. But He Yu knew his Xie ge very well, because just like He Yu, Xie QingCheng also couldn’t last too long without touching He Yu.

“I’ll order the food okay?”

“Sure that’s fine, I’m going to take a shower.”

“Let me join you-“

“No. You will sit on the lounge, order dinner, and wait for me like a good boy won’t you?” How the fuck was He Yu supposed to resist or disobey Xie QingCheng after that?

The only furniture set up in their home currently (besides their bed, He Yu made sure that was the first thing assembled) was a lounge, coffee table, and TV. He Yu dragged his feet to the lounge mourning his Xie ge, every second apart from Xie QingCheng was another dagger stabbed to his heart. He ordered food that he knew they both liked and enjoyed, and waited patiently for his wife to return.

Bored out of his mind, he looked through a locked folder on his phone that contained countless of photos and videos of Xie QingCheng. He Yu’s personal favourite to look at, was the one where Xie QingCheng was riding He Yu whilst wearing a doctor’s uniform. The videos helped soothed his aching soul, but only slightly. Nothing was better or could even compare than the real Xie QingCheng after all.

He Yu got so distracted starting at pictures and videos of his Xie QingCheng, that no one would ever be privy to, that he didn’t even notice their front door bell ringing. It wasn’t until he heard his Xie ge’s voice that he finally noticed.

“Are you going to get the door? And do you have to be watching our sex tapes right now?”

“I can’t help it if you are so sexy-“

“Stop, leave that type of talk for the bedroom. Go get some chopsticks, I’ll answer the door. You’re not… fit to see other people.” Xie QingCheng’s eyes drifted down towards He Yu’s crotch where a very obvious massive bulge was visible. He Yu shrugged, it’s not his fault Xie QingCheng was so hot and sexy that he got hard watching their sex tapes.

Xie QingCheng rolled his eyes, he opened the front door and grabbing their dinner. The aroma of food engulfed the room, He Yu was starving after a whole day of moving, he hoped they never had to move again, this was more exhausting than he expected.

Plastic containers were placed on the coffee table, He Yu grabbed one of them and dug straight. He needed to replenish his energy if tonight was going to go the way he wanted. He hummed in approval, “the food is good but Xie ge’s cooking is the best.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not, your cooking is the best, even ask Xie Xue. She would definitely agree with me.”

Xie QingCheng’s eyes squinted in suspicion before dishing He Yu more food, “you and my younger sister have gotten close lately.”

“Are you jealous Xie QingCheng?” He Yu smirked and watched the features of his face turned into one of disgust. “Of Xie Xue? No fucking way.”

He leaned over and gave Xie QingCheng a soft peck on his lips, “good, because I don’t want anyone else but you.”

The two maintained a light conversation as they ate the rest of the food, but not too long afterwards the food was all wafted down. “I’ll clean up, you choose a movie for us to watch Xie ge,” He Yu kissed his forehead before he could reply back.

All the plastic containers were gathered and dumbed into the bin, He Yu knew Xie QingCheng liked to recycle those containers but He Yu had more than enough money to just buy any containers when Xie QingCheng needed it. He Yu was in the process of grabbing the spray and wipe when he remembered everything was in boxes, and he had no idea where they were.

Not caring too much any more about cleaning, he hurried back to the lounge, cleaning could come later, He Yu wanted to spend some time with Xie QingCheng, and that was much more important.

His line of vision first went to Xie QingCheng before the TV, he wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned across the back of the lounge. He left a kiss on the top of his hair, “did you miss me? I missed you.”

“You were gone for not even five minutes.”

“So you’re saying you didn’t miss- why the fuck are we watching this?”

He Yu’s arms moved alongside Xie QingCheng’s movement of his shoulders shrugging, “why not. Now come sit down.”

He detangled his arms from his neck and climbed over the back of the lounge to sit next to his Xie ge. Once their bodies were next to each other, He Yu wrapped an arm over his shoulder and held Xie QingCheng close.

“This movie better be good,” He Yu huffed like a child being forced to watch a movie by their parents. “Stop sulking and watch the movie.” Xie QingCheng kissed He Yu’s hand that was thrown over his shoulder in a placating manner.

The two watched the movie in silence, absentmindedly He Yu moved his free hand that was beside him to Xie QingCheng’s thigh, lightly moving it up and down. He didn’t purposefully place his hand there, it was pure instinct. It wasn’t until he felt Xie QingCheng’s hand placed on top of his that he realised what he automatically did.

They never tore their eyes away from the movie, even when Xie QingCheng tightened his hold on He Yu’s hand and moved it slowly higher and higher up his thigh. He Yu’s breath hitched as he felt the hardness in Xie QingCheng’s pants. Oh he did not care about this movie or anything at that moment, the only thing on his mind was Xie QingCheng and fucking him.

In sync, they looked at each other in their eyes, searching the other’s eyes. Coming to the same conclusion, they held hands and spung from the lounge.

The last thing He Yu heard playing from the TV before he rushed his Xie QingCheng into bed planning to fuck him long and hard until he only thought about He Yu’s cock was, “there’s a Brokeback Mountain in every person’s heart.”

🪼 🪼 🪼

Dear He Yu,

I believe this is the first letter I have wrote to you besides that one ten years ago. I want to make it up to you, to write a letter you can cherish as much as I have come to cherish a letter written to me by a foolish thirteen year old.

The day I first saw you, you were a small ten year old boy drenched in the rain all alone. I will never forget the way my heart broke seeing such a small child so lonely. I knew if that was my sister in your place, I would want someone to stay and comfort her until I finally would be able to find her.

So I made a choice that day, although it was more my body and instinct that made the choice. I hugged and gave comfort to a little child, and I have never once regretted that choice.

I just never imagined that that decision would alter my life forever in ways I didn’t know was possible. That sad lonely boy fell in love with me, and he wanted me to know.

No words or apologies can take back the way I went about things ten years ago, but I do wish to make it up to you. I want to do better for you and for us. I want to be better and to reassure you every day for the rest of our lives that you are loved He Yu, and you deserved to be loved.

I know I was being selfish for seeking you out and playing hard to get, to make you believe I still disliked men or at least didn’t like you back when it wasn’t true. I apologise once again. I lead you on for so long believing I never would be with you. I hurt you with my cruel words and actions when we had that conversation at my house. but I did all of that because I was testing you. I was testing to see if those earnest and passionate feelings I read and felt when I reread your letter again after ten years was still true.

If I was planning on pursing a man, one thirteen years younger than me as well, then I needed to be sure that you still felt the same, and you did. You might have lied and told me you were over me, but I could see the truth, feel the truth in every step, every word, and every breath you took around me. I could tell I was still your whole world and I knew with certainty after our conversation in my house that I was willing to pursue and date you.

I know I still played hard to get on the yacht, and continued to lie over and over again. Even so, I couldn’t just drop the act so suddenly or otherwise you would have doubted my sincerity. It wasn’t until I was certain about you, about myself, that I finally made my move. When I heard your words that night in the hot tub, I was certain on how you felt, and how I felt. I gave up my act and gave myself to you. So just know that my feelings for you aren’t false. I have never felt this intensely about someone in my life and I never will again.

This love is all consuming, it’s confusing but it’s also euphoric. I want to feel this way about you forever. I want us to stay together. I want us to get married. I want us to raise pets and even have children with you. I want to experience everything life has to offer us. I want to take care of you. I want to provide for us. I want to give you a home. But more than anything, I want you to be happy.

Because no one deserves to be happier than you. I hope I bring you that joy and happiness you deserve in your life He Yu. I hope you know how much you are loved, because even if no one else loves you the way you should, I will love you until the day I die.

When I was younger I never pictured myself in love with a man thirteen years younger than me, but you really flipped my entire perspective of life upside down. You are a tornado that barged into my life and refused to leave, and for that I am thankful.

I am thankful you love me so devastatingly much because I now get to experience your love every day. I am thankful you have forgiven me. I am thankful that I even get the opportunity to love you back. I am thankful you never gave up. I am thankful for your existence.

You once told me to not undermine your feelings, and I did that ten years ago. But not any more. I know firsthand how real, genuine, pure, and intense your love for me is, and that can’t be faked. I will never undermine and ignore your feelings again, because you feel them on such a profound level that it’s hard to doubt.

I love you enough and I’m willing to put in the effort to make this a long lasting relationship. I am willing to fight tooth and nail for us. To overcome every challenge and the world throws our way. So I truly hope that one day you will come to fully accept my love. I know you don’t feel worthy enough to be loved by anyone, especially by me, but that’s not true. So please He Yu, trust in my love for you as I have trusted your love in me.

Please know that you are worthy enough of love, and if for whatever reason you aren’t convinced I will one day prove it to you. Even if that is five, ten, or even twenty years into the future. Because He Yu, just like I am to you, you are also my future, present, and past.

Love always and forever, your Xie QingCheng