Chapter Text
Caleb would NEVER make the first move since he doesn't want to risk ruining the relationship he has with you. Even if it means he has to hide his true feelings away from you for the rest of his life. He would rather that than make a mistake and have you push him away. He'll give blaring hints of his feelings, things that sound innocent but have a second meaning if you think about it longer. He'd try and say it so casually and sometimes you'd catch on but just brush it off as his teasing personality.
You weren't dumb though. You caught onto his lingering gaze at your lips whenever you looked up at him. His breath would always shake whenever he saw your disheveled state after running track at school. Specifically how you'd wipe the sweat off your forehead with a towel and smile once you noticed him. But something big like kissing/touching etc would be something he could only DREAM of doing. He would never be the one to cross that line unless you do it first.
His confidence only grew once he noticed you doing the same thing. You weren't completely innocent either. He noticed how your mood spoiled every time a girl would sent him a love letter or buy him lunch. Of course he would never entertain them, he saw how possessive you got over him. Suspiciously, you would have a project due the next day that would require all of his time, taking him away for yourself. A messed up part of him loved it, seeing you hide him away from other people and making sure he never gets a girlfriend. The stunt you pulled at his graduation made his brain malfunction. He still touches his cheek and reminisces when you reached for him and pressed your lips against it in front of everyone.
The both of you had unspoken possession on the other. Sometimes it was obvious and other times is was barely there. It was the little reminders that you belonged to each other that fueled the both of you.
Once you started talking to each other consistently after your reunion, it's been getting harder and harder for him to hold back. The first instance where he had to physically restrain himself was the night after you reunited.
His eyes widened once he heard you pick his bedroom as the one you wanted to sleep in. You were right, all of the other rooms lack any warmth. They were adorned with all of the furniture and pictures that originally came with the living space. He'd never bother to change anything about the rooms. The only difference his room had was the haphazardly made bed, pictures of you, and lastly, his scent. He still used that apple and cinnamon scented body wash you once said smelled nice. It was also accompanied by a candle that smelled like a freshly baked dessert. They were remnants of the past you shared and the Caleb you missed oh so badly.
He laughed. "The bedroom you picked, that's my room."
You formed a 'o' shape with your mouth once his words hit your ears. You insisted on taking another room and assured him it was fine but, it was too late. He already arranged all of his things and went into one of the empty rooms once he got ready for bed.
You hated yourself for feeling like this. Even though you were only separated by a wall, you felt like he disappeared again. Ever since you met him in that interrogation room, your body couldn't hold back anymore. Your eyes would tear up just looking at him. No matter how many times he'd assure you he'll never leave you again, you couldn't help but cry. It was the only way you could express just how much he meant to you. Everything he did to cheer you up only made you cry even more. You felt guilty like you were burdening him, he wasn't a kid anymore and he wasn't yours to keep. He was now the Colonel of the Farspace fleet, not the friend you loved dearly.
You would have to face the fact the both of you had completely different schedules, meeting like this would be an extremely rare occasion. While in his bed, you thought about how you'd work around your busy life to accommodate for his. You're willing to give up sick days, vacations, holidays, if it meant you could see him in person and see that familiar face.
You weren't the only one affected by this. He had to lay in the cold and desolate room, imagining you curled up in his bed, wrapping his blanket around your body, as you try to keep in your heat. He tossed and turned while he pictured you nuzzling your head into his pillow and taking in his scent. Little did he know you were doing exactly that, and wished the limp pillow was him instead.
As kids you'd always share the bed to keep each other company when ever there was a storm. He'd wake up to you, hovering over his bed, with tears in your eyes as you spoke to him in your broken voice, asking to sleep next to him. He would obviously never decline and made space for you on his bed. The habit died down as you got older, seeing as it would be weird for your age, so your plushies would accompany you instead. There were some instances where you couldn't sleep at all so he'd hold you close while he counted down from 100. Usually, once he'd reach 47 airplanes you'd be knocked out.
You'd kill for the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around you one last time while he'd assure you of your safety. He made it easy to be so possessive of him when he let you indulge in anything you wanted. Whatever he could give, he gave it all to you. You were mad at him for this, you wished he'd refuse once, set a boundary, do anything to push you away so you could stop taking advantage of his kindness.
You gritted your teeth as your selfishness took over. You got up from his bed and opened the lock to the door. Your footsteps were quiet as you strode past the other rooms until you finally reached the one you knew he was in. You checked the door handle to see if it was locked.
'Oh right, he always kept his door unlocked. Probably because of me.'
Your breath paused once you saw his sleeping figure. He slept on his side, facing away from the door. In actuality, he wasn't asleep, though you couldn't know that from his position. His eyes almost bulged from his head once he heard the door open. As if he wasn't thinking about you doing this exact thing.
You looked away from him. Your nervousness would prevent you from speaking directly at him. 'Ugh he's probably so annoyed by me. Why am I like this?' You cringed, but decided to get over it since you're already here.
"Um Caleb… are you awake?" Your voice was shaky.
His breath shook once he heard your voice. It was now official to him that it wasn't just his imagination. He wasn't dreaming that you were standing over his bed just now. This was real. The next move he makes would be a very important one. He could just play pretend. Act like he wasn't fantasizing about you and ignore that tugging feeling in his chest. Or maybe he'll indulge. He'll call out both of your bullshit and end this sick game the both of you have been playing for over a decade.
He groaned, now sitting up on the bed. Pretending to have just woken up, he rubbed his eyes.
"Pipsqueak?" He said through a yawn.
He wanted to punch himself.
"Hey. Sorry to wake you up but, could you help me sleep?" You picked at skin of your fingers. His purple eyes met yours through the darkness.
He gave you a familiar smile, one that tried to cover up disappointment. He was disappointed in himself. This charade didn't seem to have an ending, but he would never refuse any opportunity he was given. He gave you one last chuckle before saying,
"Of course."
You sighed with relief, but you also felt a similar disappointment. As you climbed onto the bed you swore you could see him frown. He seemed tense. Should you really have came here? You felt regret in your actions but you already dug yourself into a deep hole.
His cheerful personality quickly took over once you settled right next to him. "Still need me help you sleep? How did you manage to live without me?" He teased. He always said phrases that hinted at his possessiveness, it was a way to unconsciously remind you how badly you needed him.
You knew he was only joking but you couldn't ignore the way your chest tightened after he spoke. He was right. How did you manage? The truth was you didn't. You could recall all of the sleepless nights without him. Pain struck your heart every single night he was gone. You stopped taking care of yourself. Before, you made cute meals for yourself, taking extra time out of your day to shape the sushi rolls into cute cat shaped figures. Or how you'd always journal and use pretty washi tape and gel pens that fit the theme of your room. You always made sure to write in your best handwriting so it was always perfectly spaced. Often, you would write about all of the good things that happened throughout the week, make plans, write reminders.
The most recent time you wrote in your journal, you picked up the stray pen that fell under your desk, no fancy pens, notes, or anything. Overtime, you stopped making those cute lunches, only shoving what ever could fit into your lunch box. Your journal that had pastel highlighters, cute stickers and glittery pens slowly descended into rough scribbles, which detailed your anger, frustrations, sadness. Eventually, you would stop writing all together. You couldn't even be bothered to write out your frustrations. You knew Caleb's heart would instantly break if he ever knew how much you were struggling.
You tried to apply bright under eye makeup in order to cover up the dark circles that appeared from the lack of sleep you were getting. It went as far as changing your wardrobe to hide how your weight fluctuated while he was gone.
Of course he noticed, and it did in fact break him.
After you brought the blanket over your legs, he turned over to you, both of you were sitting up and your back resting against the headboard. His eyes stared at you with pleading eyes. You always loved how desperate his eyes always looked whenever you got close to him. Like he was silently begging you to do something. His eyebrows furrowed and eyes were glistening. They gazed at you, staring at your soft lips then moving lower, down to your neck, then to the flimsy strap of your night gown.
It was hard to ignore how amazing you looked under the moonlight that escaped from the window. He would be forever grateful to be able to witness the scene right in front of his eyes. He swallowed, the light showed his Adams apple bob up and down. He was visibly tense. You couldn't see it but, his hand was shaking. He wanted to hold you in his arms, have you easily in his grasp, unable to run away from him. One hand would be on your waist so you couldn't escape and another would be rubbing soothing circles onto your back, to remind you of how well he'll take care of you.
When you tilted your head then stared up at him through your eyelashes, he had to use his evol just to pin his hands down. He scared of himself. It was frightening how he was mentally slipping. You weren't aware the extent the chip had on his brain, how it had changed him. There were times you noticed him slipping away, only for him come back, flashing that same goofy grin. It scared the both of you. You could see through his bullshit. He wasn't ok, and it made you feel like a horrible person. You felt personally responsible for it. He always took care of you, gave you his everything, protected you in ways you weren't even aware of. But when he was struggling, you couldn't help him. It wasn't your fault. Realistically, there isn't anything you could do to help him, it was out of your control. But, you still felt guilty. You flinched every time you saw him push away his pain so he could focus on how you were doing.
It's almost as if your arm had raised up by itself. Your finger carefully traced his jaw. He instantly leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and exhaling. Your hand moved to fully cup his cheek while your thumb rubbed smooth circles onto his face. His hand went to grab your wrist. Not to pull you away, but it was soft and encouraging. he smiled as you held him.
"Missed you too." He spoke.
It came out more intimate than he planned. You didn't respond however. His words only made your lip quiver. You felt like crying again, but you only held back because you didn't want to ruin the moment. He could tell the effect this was having on you. You weren't alone on this.
He sighed. His hand that was once on your wrist, moved to your shoulder, squeezing it softly. "C'mon Pipsqueak, lets go to sleep." He hoped you didn't notice his hand staying on your shoulder a little longer than it should. Caleb was always the one to quickly push away any unfiltered feelings. Whenever the moment became uncomfortable to deal with, he quickly changed the topic. He'd bring up random things like how you didn't finish your chores or how he'll make you his famous braised chicken in hopes to make you forget about moments like this. The both of you willingly ignored just how badly you wanted the other. It's not like you actually forgot, you just chose to move on.
This time however, you didn't listen to him. Your thumb brushed over his bottom lip and you swore you heard a small gasp escape him. He immediately turned his flushed face away from you.
"We shouldn't stay up any longer, I still remember how cranky you can get in the morning." Still trying to act ignorant. He grabbed your hand wrist again, this time it was more aggressive, pleading you to pull away. He wasn't sure how he'd control himself if you continued.
Stop. That was all you could think. 'Stop this, stop avoiding it.' Your face tensed. His fake act was starting to get on your nerves. You just grabbed his chin even harder, forcing him to face you, to look into the sin he desperately tried to escape from. You got up on your knees then sat yourself right onto his lap. Your thighs caged his torso in, preventing him from leaving. He groaned as he tried to control himself. The feeling of your soft legs against his clothed ones made his throat dry. This way, he couldn't avoid you anymore. Your hands pressed against his chest, only for them to go lower and down to his abs.Thanks to moonlight, you could see the beautiful scene that was unfolding right below you. His pupils were blown wide, his hair was slightly messy, and his shirt made it so you could see his beautifully carved collarbones. His lips were parted and out of breath, watching you carelessly sit yourself onto his lap, unaware of the consequences.
He nervously licked his lips. The back of his head hit the headboard as he looked up at you. This time, you cupped his face with both of your hands, locking his focus to you. He wasn't the only one affected by this. Your face burned from your own actions. Internally, you were screaming. Was this really ok? You weren't sure where you were hoping to go from here.
Maybe you'll indulge, just this once.
You leaned in, hoping to completely close the distance between the two of you. His hands nervously played with the hem of your nightgown. Heat radiated from you through the thin fabric. Eventually, your forehead pressed against his. Out of instinct, he closed he eyes, expecting just another kiss on the temple. It's impossible to explain the shock he felt when your soft lips slowly press against his.
He froze. This couldn't be real. No way in hell. His hand balled into a fist and his whole body tensed. He looked up to see your reaction. Your face was now completely flushed and your lips shined with his saliva from the kiss. Whatever confidence you were drunk on quickly faded after the kiss. You were avoiding making eye contact, acting shy as if you weren't the one to kiss him.
No. This isn't real. This had to be another dream.
His hands let go from your night gown. "You…"
He was speechless. It made you worry since he never kissed back.
Was this a mistake? Maybe this boundary was never meant to be crossed. You felt weirdly free, now that you didn't have to dance over it anymore. All of the unspoken moments, the not-so secret glances at one another, they were all confronted in one kiss. The feeling of shame and regret started to creep in when he wouldn't say anything.
His arms hovered over your waist hesitantly. He wasn't even sure if it was ok for him to touch you. Eventually he gained the confidence once he saw the look of doubt on your face. They engulfed you into a tight embrace. His chest was pressed against yours as his arms caged you in. You were both a tangled up in each others limbs. He held you so protectively, like he cherished every single part of your body. You could feel him smile into your shoulder as his arms held you even closer.
Your head rested onto his shoulder. You could finally take in all of him, feeling him pressed so close against you. You tried to pry away from his grip to speak. Once he felt you tug at him, his grip only got tighter.
"Sleep." Was all he said.
Maybe he was right. You could confront each other in the morning. For now, you could enjoy each others company, no words to ruin your time together.
It was in this position that the both of you fell asleep in. For the first time in a long while, you both had an uninterrupted and peaceful night of sleep, free of all worries.