Archive of Our Own

Sollux hates sand.

It’s not necessarily a surprising fact for you. The guy who’s a colossal shut in, doesn’t leave unless he has to, and hates things getting between his clothing and his skin, of course he hates sand.

He took you to the beach anyway.

Your hive still needed everything set up; internet, a husktop, actual proper furniture. Everything still needed to be set up and you hadn’t the foggiest about how to actually get to the beach, never mind the whole situation about how you technically weren’t allowed.

Sollux got through your thick skull eventually.

They never checked on you, hadn’t for a while now, they weren’t keeping tabs on how well you were doing.

The well is subjective here, it must be said. You’re alive. You’re functioning. You’ve got a garden that’s growing and you hoard plants because they’re alive. Sollux pushed you into getting new furniture, into proper food, into trying to find a hobby so you could live instead of just exist.

Your friends, your gamemates, they’ve all but forgotten you now. And it’s better that way, truly. You’re not bothering them, you’re not causing problems, everyone’s free to live and grow and be without the past clinging to them, without you being a constant reminder. The rules were there to make sure you stayed in line.

The rules were bullshit, and you found out from Sollux that you were the only one, in the end. Each had one in charge of them, of their finances, of their actions, but the others, Vris and Makara, theirs decided leading with redemption meant easing up on the rules quicker.

Perhaps Kar thought he deserved revenge as well. Or maybe he just thought you wouldn’t learn. Or maybe he just forgot about you.

Sollux pushed you into telling him the truth about what you had been told, and then pushed you into letting him wipe everything out from under his best friend’s control. He kept pushing and pushing until you gave in because he was there and he was angry on your behalf and he kept coming back even after everything and… well.

You couldn’t say no to him, not in this. You’re selfish, selfish and rude and desperate, and Sollux still came back.

He pushed you to the beach.

He found one, drove you there, and toted along the bag with stuff in it as well so all you could do was hold his hand and follow along. It was a nice beach, the sand white and the dunes grass-topped, but the sea.

Oh the sea.

You missed the sea.

The smell hit you like a freight train, that first time, and every other time after it’s felt like it’s calling to whatever remains of your blackened soul. Sollux sat and waited for you (three hours, three hours he waited, you only feel a little bit guilty about it still) while you swam in the dark amidst gentle currents and fish you didn’t recognise. He sat and waited despite the fact that he hates the beach and it was probably cold and he was probably bored out of his mind.

The whole drive back to yours, he complained about sand. How useless it is as a thing, how uncomfortable, how bothersome, how it got absolutely everywhere, and he couldn’t understand how in any hell could anyone enjoy sand.

You let him whinge, of course. It was something innocuous, entirely harmless, because it didn’t involve you. Sure, you were the reason he was at the beach this time, the reason that he waited alone, but you told him he didn’t have to stay. You appreciated the fact that he did, your whole being aches with the knowledge that even though he hated it, he came and waited and stayed for you.

Him getting sand in his crocs was a small price to pay. When you told him (again) that he didn’t have to join you, he told you with much the same disgruntled disdain to shut up.

A disaster of a troll, truly.

You didn’t want him to join you any other time, if only because there was nothing for him to do. He couldn’t join you in the sea, he’d fry himself to bits, plus he can’t swim. Both of you refused to go during the day when it was warmer because then there would be others around. You didn’t trust yourself enough, and he didn’t want the attention. So, night it was.

He didn’t want to leave you alone, though. This weird dance of yours, never too far apart to not be us but still orbiting as individuals. Two halves of the whole. He’s your whole, but you don’t say that out loud too often because he gets all flustered and you feel like a fool. Sollux would drag himself to the beach if you wanted to go, despite you telling him that he didn’t have to, that he could go and do other things, that you were fine now. You knew the way, you knew what to do, and you knew where to escape to if something stressed you out.

Sollux is rather direct when he reminds you that everything stresses you out, that you’re so constantly wound up that the only times lately you’ve been truly calm is when you’re wrapped up with him, pailed docile, or fresh out of the sea, all windswept and salt washed.

Jackass.

It’s lead to this, is the thing.

He shoved something at you earlier, all pointy and defensive and blustering his way through whatever nonsense he was actually saying, and then shoved you out the door, telling you to ‘go fucking swim already you’re driving me up the wall with all this forlorn sighing and scented candle bullshit’.

You go, bemused.

----

It’s a new palmhusk. Yours was on its last legs anyway, the screen busted and the connection just absolutely atrocious, even with the new internet. You have an inkling as to what he’s done, and given that he did tell you to go swim, you figure you’re alright to bring it into the water with you.

The sea is wilder tonight. The waves chase the shore in an eternal hunt, and you can see flickers of something further out in the bay. The currents will carry you far, for sure.

You let him stew for a bit longer, knowing he’s just waiting for the chance to gloat, to be smug, to lord his technical prowess over anyone who would listen because in this at least Sollux Captor can agree he’s better than everyone else.

You wait, right up until you’re nestled comfortably between gentle divets in the sand bed, staring up at the waves rolling above you. The sound is soothing, it settles something in you that you refuse to acknowledge exists.

CA: thought you said it wwould take a lot longer to get this kina thing up and wworkin

He responds immediately, like you knew he would.

TA: giiven how you 2eem to be toddliing off to go 2wiim nearly every niight now II wa2nt too 2ure how long iid have

CA: “nearly evvery night” fuck off ive barely been this wweek

TA: yeah and youve been cliimbiing the wall2 the whole tiime

CA: the point here is that youvve finished wwaterproofin husktops

CA: is it fully functional?

TA: iit2 not that biig of a deal. Diirk had an iidea of how to me22 wiith the hardware anyway to make iit work fiine, mo2t annoyiing biit wa2 ju2t waiitiing for part2

TA: ii fiinii2hed like three project2 and half of your photo2 iin that tiime

CA: its swweet a you

TA: fuck off

CA: no it is. Theres no delay or anything wwith it, and theres no issues wwith the input for the screen or anything

CA: does audio wwork?

TA: why do you want audiio two work?

CA: don’t act like youre goin to just happily zone out in front of your computer and not wwant to talk to me wwhile im out in the ocean

TA: II couldn’t care le22 hone2tly

TA: II can finally get 2ome peace and quiiet wiithout lii2teniing to whatever caterwhauliing you 2tart up thii2 tiime

CA: you mean my wwantin you to eat something healthy and substantial

TA: 2ame thiing

CA: you totally added a call function huh

CA: theres speakers

TA: obviiou2ly there2 2peaker2? IIt2 2tiill a functiioniing palmhu2k

CA: you made it so I could call you wwhen im out in the ocean

CA: so wwe can keep in contact

CA: you made this because you lovve me huh, cant hide that fact now

TA: ab2olutely not, get that tra2h out of your thiick 2kull riight now. II made iit becau2e iit2 conveniient for me and now II no longer have to deal wiith touchiing 2and

CA: shore sol

TA: fuck you II hope you drown

CA: i am incapable of drowwnin. Drowwnin wwould be the last thing to kill me

TA: go fuckiin choke on 2eaweed or 2ome 2hiit then, II don’t know

TA: you can go get 2tuck iin coral and have to thiink about your liife choiice2

TA: makiing riidiiculou2 accu2atiion2 liike that

CA: you literally gave it a feature so I can call and talk to you wwhile im under the wwavves

TA: maybe iit2 actually fake and all iit doe2 ii2 record the 2iilly 2hiit you talk about 2o II can make fun of you later

CA: youre cute wwhen youre posturin

TA: 2hut UP

You can’t help it. He makes you feel so much, he makes you feel like you matter which is ridiculous and not at all for someone like you. You’ve made so many mistakes as a child in the name of fear or pain or anything else and you’re still learning. You’re still going to make mistakes.

This time, however, you think you might be allowed to learn from them all, alive.

When you call Sollux, he answers.