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Hyunjin feels out of place. She stands in the living room, hands in the pocket of her hoodie from college, looking at the photos on the shelf next to the TV. Minhee, Seungmin and Yongbok. One happy family. Her heart aches when she looks at Yongbok’s face for too long in the same way that it does when she stares at her boys. She’s so sweet and still too young to understand what’s going on. Changbin is slowly catching up, she thinks. She’ll probably have to have a talk with him soon about some things. She’s not looking forward to it.
She feels silly, really. She knocked on the door fully expecting to catch them in the act somehow. All the kids are at their grandparents, having a sleepover. Jisung wasn’t home. Hyunjin’s heart was telling her this is where he is. She knows he’s with her, but it was always a question of where they meet up.
Instead, Seungmin was the one who opened the door. First he asked if something’s up with the kids and when Hyunjin wordlessly shook her head, realization set on his face. He just nodded and stepped aside to let her in. Hyunjin felt small and silly and out of place. She didn’t want to go home. She also didn’t want to be here.
“I have wine.” Seungmin said and she came inside.
Now, he walks out of the kitchen with a new bottle and a glass for her, looking at her in confusion. “Hyunjin-ah. Sit.”
Right. That would be more natural. She sort of feels like her body isn’t her own, like this is one of those lucid dreams she watched a show about, but never quite mastered herself. Walking through the haze, seemingly in control, at least in dreams because god knows she’s not in control of anything in her life anymore.
She sits on the couch and Seungmin follows, emptying the bottle he already had on the coffee table into his glass and opening the new one for her. Hyunjin watches him pour it, his hands and nose from this angle, the way his hair covers his forehead. It makes him look younger.
“Are you hungry?” Seungmin asks, setting the glass in front of her. “We have food. Or I can order something, if you like?”
Hyunjin feels a little like she might throw up. The thought of food brings her stomach up, almost all the way to her throat. She eyes the wine and thinks she should just go home. Not home, really, her house. It might be empty and cold and she might cry there more than smile, but it’s hers still, even if many things aren’t anymore. This is not her house.
“I’m not hungry.” She says and takes the glass with a shaky hand.
//
Might not be her house, but this couch is definitely more comfortable than the one she has. She likes it. Soft and spacious, enough for her to have her legs up and lean back and for Seungmin to sit without their bodies touching.
Seungmin doesn’t let her glass be empty. He also doesn’t let her pour for herself. He’s always been a gentleman, really. Hyunjin remembers, in their college days, how he’d bring flowers for Minhee and how she’d stand there, like a cat caught stealing meat for lunch instead of having flowers her boyfriend got her. But her ears would always betray her satisfaction. She was pleased.
When Seungmin brings the second bottle – for him the third it seems – she stretches her limbs, managing not to hit the glass coffee table with her legs. She doesn’t remember feeling this weightless in a while. All she does is think. Think when is Changbin’s next game and if his favorite jersey is washed and ironed. If she put the epi pen in Chan’s backpack and if today will be the day she gets that dreadful call.
Think about what to make for lunch and if there will be leftovers for dinner. If not, would it be bad to order something greasy and unhealthy because she’s too tired to cook again. The kids eat enough vegetables, they can treat themselves. Chan’s karate teacher said there is a stomach bug going around so she has to tell him every day he can’t go yet, not until she knows it’s safe enough to send him. She’s pretty sure Changbin has a crush, or it might even be a girlfriend, but he won’t tell her. And Hyunjin promised herself she will not be an overbearing mother, so she doesn’t pry, just waits patiently to see if he deems her worthy of his secrets.
She thinks about her husband, where is he and what he’s doing. If he’s at Minhee’s house while her daughter spent the night playing with Hyunjin’s sons. If he kisses her the same way he kissed Hyunjin. If he tells her the same things or nicer ones, softer. An awful thought – if Minhee knows about Changbin’s crush or girlfriend and Hyunjin doesn’t. She’s always been the fun aunt and as much as Hyunjin wants to hate her, her babies don’t. If she was worthy of Hyunjin’s husband, maybe she’s worthy of her son’s trust as well.
She thinks about Jisung’s job, even if it sickens her. If he will get that promotion and if they’ll pay off their car. If she paid all the bills this month or missed something.
Hyunjin is too busy being a wife and a mother that she’s no longer Hyunjin. Last time she picked up a paintbrush, she ended up breaking the canvas in half and threw all of her art supplies in the trash.
Here, now, Hyunjin gets to just exist. Just sit and stretch and have Seungmin bring her wine. Her kids are fed and asleep, taken care of. Her husband is happy too, probably, wherever he is. Seungmin doesn’t ask any difficult questions. He talks about his work, when Hyunjin asks. About kids in Yongbok’s kindergarten. His eyes sparkle when he talks about his baby and Hyunjin’s chest aches.
Yongbok told him a about a boy she really likes, they hold hands after lunch when they’re supposed to go down for a nap, she says. Yongbok trusts and likes him enough to tell him that. And why wouldn’t she? Seungmin is such a wonderful father. Hyunjin can’t help but feel like he shows up the three of them combined, somehow. She can’t help but wonder what would happen if things were different. How would their lives look like if she went on a date with him instead? If Seungmin brought her flowers after class? If Jisung worried about Minhee rejecting him instead of her for their first date.
Would Hyunjin be a better mother, just to keep up with him? Better wife? Still Hyunjin?
She could love Seungmin in a different lifetime, she thinks. He’s painfully handsome. Even like this, in his plaid pajama pants and a simple, baggy T-shirt. It stretches over his wide shoulders – Jisung’s always been jealous of those, always whined he has to work hard in the gym to get on his hyung’s level when they were younger and Seungmin was just given those naturally. Maybe that’s why he fucked his brother’s wife.
The thought is so ridiculous it makes her snort. Some of the wine spills back into her glass and some of it on her hoodie. Does Seungmin thinks she’s gross?
“What’s funny?” he asks, that gentle smile on his soft face.
Hyunjin shakes her head. “Your shoulders.”
She didn’t mean to say that. She should put the wine down.
“My shoulders?” Seungmin laughs too, in disbelief. “What’s wrong with my shoulders?”
“There’s nothing wrong. You’re not listening. They’re funny, not wrong.” She angles her body towards him, sitting on her legs. “Your shoulders are fine.”
Seungmin tilts his head. When they were younger, they’d all call him a puppy, because he resembled one so much. They don’t do it now, you can’t really call a man in his 30s a puppy, but Hyunjin sees it.
“Fine?”
“Just fine.” She gives him a wide smile. Too wide to be natural. She’s drunk.
“Wow. I think my shoulders are spectacular, thank you very much.” Seungmin says.
Hyunjin looks at him. She should put the wine down and she should go home. Her couch is not as soft as this one, but it’s her couch. This is not her couch and not her house. Not her husband. She downs the rest of the wine and plays with the glass rim.
“That stomach bug still going around?” Seungmin asks.
“Mhm. How do you know about that?”
“Yongbokkie. Channie complained to her so she got curious. Appa, what’s karate? Appa, can I do karate? Appa, do you think I can win Channie oppa? Appa, do you think I can win Changbin oppa?”
Hyunjin laughs. She feels a little like crying too, but she can swallow that down, her throat is wet enough for it. “She’s adorable. Yeah, still no karate for Channie oppa. Maybe you can get her in when it settles down. They have a junior class too, for her age group.”
“Maybe.” he hums. “I’d like her to find her own thing, you know? She looks at boys and thinks if they do it, she has to do it. I guess she’s at that age, she really likes her cousins. But if she doesn’t forget about it in like a week, I’ll consider it.”
Hyunjin looks at him. Her head on the couch rest, neck bent a little uncomfortably. She’s so warm, but all she has under her hoodie is a tank top with no bra. And that would be indecent. She looks at Seungmin. His neck is pretty. Long. His Adam’s apple bobs with the next swallow of wine before he leans over to place both of their empty glasses on the kitchen table and fix it. Maybe she did kick it when she stretched? There’s a 5 o’clock shadow on his face. Hyunjin wonders if it would scratch her. She should go.
Seungmin leans back and looks at her. His hands on his thighs. Long fingers. No wedding ring. He stopped wearing that a while ago. So did Hyunjin. How fitting. She thinks Jisung still parades his around. How ironic.
“What?”
She blinks. “What?”
“You’re looking at me.”
“Where else am I supposed to look?”
Did that sound flirty? No. Did she want it to sound flirty? Her brain dances around in her skull, in a lake of wine. Her eyes are a little dry.
Maybe it would scratch her. She used to hate it when Jisung didn’t shave and would kiss her. Maybe that’s why he’s fucking Minhee. She’ll probably never know the reason but it sure is fun to dig around for it. Maybe she wouldn’t hate it with Seungmin? Good father, considerate, gentleman Seungmin. Good husband too, no doubt.
His eyes fall to her lips for a second and that’s all Hyunjin needs. She moves without even registering it, hand on Seungmin’s pretty, long neck, lips on his own. He gasps into it. Surprised? Taken aback? Hyunjin doesn’t let it get further, doesn’t stick her tongue down his throat like she wants to. Shame washes over her and she pulls back, like she’s been burned.
“Sorry.” She shakes her head. Now it really feels like her brain is swimming. “Sorry, I—“
She doesn’t know what to say. An awful thought pops up from the wine lake. Is this why she came here? Was she hoping for this? Did her subconscious tell her to come to this house, under the pretense of checking if Jisung is here? With Minhee? It makes no sense. They don’t fuck in Jisung’s house, why would they do it in Minhee’s? Even if Yongbok is not there, did she think they’d just throw Seungmin out? Did she plan this?
“It’s okay.” Seungmin whispers, scooting closer to her. His voice is so soft, like this couch, like his face, like his hand coming to rest on Hyunjin’s cheek. “It’s okay, don’t apologize.”
Hyunjin refuses to open her eyes. She shakes her head again or is she nuzzling into his touch? Seeking it out. Their foreheads press together. “I’m a mess.” She confesses, embarrassed and stupid. She’s so stupid. She shouldn’t have come.
Seungmin takes a deep breath. He smells of wine. Hyunjin feels like she could get drunker just by inhaling the air out of his lungs. “That’s okay. Makes two of us.”
It’s hard to imagine Kim Seungmin being a mess of all people. But it must be true, with everything going on. He must reach a breaking point too. Everyone has it.
He kisses her, slow and gentle. So nice. Handled with so much care, like Hyunjin is a bird with a broken wing in his palm. She feels like it. Both wings down, wounded. Maybe she’ll never fly again. Maybe she’s done flying.
Seungmin kisses all the thoughts away. Good. She’s exhausted of thinking. She wants to go back to that weightless state from before. He presses small pecks over his lips until she opens up for him, lets him in. He’s a good kisser. It doesn’t come as a surprise. Just another thing on the list.
Hyunjin pushes his chest until he’s against the back rest again and she can shamelessly throw a leg over his thighs and sit in his lap. She doesn’t give herself time to shrink away and think about running. Just kisses him. Seungmin doesn’t seem to mind their new position. His hands feel as big as they are on her hips. Larger than life.
Hyunjin hasn’t done this in so long. It’s been years. She feels silly and uncoordinated, straddling a man, licking behind his teeth. Having him hold her like this. Hyunjin hasn’t been held in years.
She’s burning up. There’s too much of everything, but mainly clothes, too many clothes on her, even if it’s just two layers. But the wine makes her blood boil and she feels like she’s 10 degrees warmer than usual. So she tugs on her hoodie, only leaving Seungmin’s face to get it over her head and throw it on the floor. Then she’s back to chasing the alcohol on his tongue.
Seungmin has different plans. He goes from her lips, her jaw, cheek, down her throat. She’s sensitive there. Has she always been sensitive there? She can’t remember. It makes an awful sound escape her throat as he kisses over her collarbones, as he lets his teeth tease but not bite down. So considerate, always has been.
“Look at you.” His voice is heavy with desire. He sounds in awe. Hyunjin could cry right here in his arms. How pathetic. “Look at you, god.”
His palms spread over her ribcage. She feels so small. Her nipples are visible through her tank top. She’s so turned on already she can feel the wetness sticking the underwear to her skin. Seungmin’s lips trail lower, he noses along the skin, like he’s soaking up her scent. Pressing his head closer, like he wants to melt into her. Maybe she could get some of his goodness that way, who knows.
“Can I?” he whispers into her skin.
Hyunjin doesn’t know what he’s asking for. She’s out of her depth. She doesn’t feel sexy, but she feels desired, somehow. She’s never felt that dissonance before. Whatever it is, she can’t handle it. If Seungmin stops kissing her, she’ll go insane and she’ll go home and she doesn’t want to go home, no matter how much she should.
“I want you to fuck me.” She says, honest and direct. It feels humiliating, but she wants it. To be a body so hollow nothing fits inside anymore, nothing fills her out. Maybe it doesn’t matter if she’s blunt. Maybe Seungmin will not find it embarrassing.
He looks up at her. Her hair is in a bun, but some of it fell out, all over the place. His gaze carries so much weight it’s like a punch to her stomach.
Hyunjin rolls her hips. He’s hard. She does it again. It brings his eyelids down and a lovely sound to the surface. His hold tightening on her. She wants him inside.
“I want you to fuck me.” She repeats, as if she forgot she already said that.
Hyunjin she knows, from a lifetime ago, wouldn’t be caught dead saying it twice. Asking for it so openly. She’d have the man beg for her, not the other way around. She liked that about Jisung. Minhee probably does too. That Hyunjin is long gone and Jisung is not under her. It’s his brother. And they couldn’t be more different.
Seungmin nods. He kisses her again. Hyunjin keeps rolling her hips. It gets easier. She remembers how to do this. How to make someone want her. How to get his body reacting. Seungmin groans into her mouth and goes to pull away but Hyunjin is too hungry. It feels good to have evidence of his weakness, to know he’s just as easy as her. Just as human, Kim Seungmin. Who would have thought?
She keeps kissing him as she tries to get rid of her sweatpants at the same time. Seungmin helps. He got the message she doesn’t want to stop kissing, so they wrestle the clothes together, she gets off his lap to pull them down, along with her underwear.
Then she’s bare from waits down and tugging on his pajama pants. She can’t believe she finds them sexy. They’re red and black, don’t even match his grey shirt. She manages to get his cock out and he whimpers in her mouth when she strokes him. Too dry, but he doesn’t complain. Hyunjin feels good. Powerful, even though she’s anything but.
She doesn’t waste more time. She has to stop kissing him or she’ll lose all air, but she stays close as she scoots forward into his lap and starts sinking down on him. It’s a lot. She has a vibrator, but she hasn’t taken anything other than her fingers in forever. And she didn’t stretch herself now, just went for it. The burn almost brings tears to her eyes.
“Are you—“
“Shut up.” She cuts him off, pushing his head back and pressing their noses together. “I’m fine. Been a while.”
Seungmin just nods and strokes her thigh. He sneaks a hand between them and takes her by surprise when he starts rubbing her clit, slow and light. It makes her gasp and she takes the rest of his cock, digging her nails in his shoulders.
“Fuck.”
He hums and kisses under her ear. Tucks her hair behind it. Places both hands on her hips and lets her take her time, adjust. Hyunjin wants to kiss more but she doesn’t have the strength. She buries her face in Seungmin’s neck. It feels like he’s breaking her in half. Maybe after him there will be another hole inside her.
Slowly, she starts to move. Trying it out. It feels good. Seungmin’s hands remain on her hips and that feels good too. He helps her grind down on him and kisses her neck.
“Hyunjin-ah.” He moans her name and Hyunjin trembles on top of him. “You feel so good.”
His hands climb up, touching more, her stomach, skin to skin. She sits up. She’ll give him this too, she’s already given a lot. She gets rid of her tank top and blushes. He keeps touching, coming to her breasts, transfixed.
“Yeah.” She hears herself saying. “Look at me.”
It’s what he said before. She wants him to look. She wants to be looked at, even if it pains her. It’s like someone is repeatedly stabbing a knife in an old wound.
“You’re gorgeous.” Seungmin says, bucking his hips up at the same time she sinks down on him.
“Shut up.” Hyunjin rolls her eyes.
“You are.”
They kiss again. It’s been so long and her thighs are burning as she moves. She’s getting breathless. Her knees hurt. This would be a perfect time to make an age joke.
“Shit.” She’s almost drooling over his chin. She wonders if there is a new way to embarrass herself. “I can’t—Seungminnie, I can’t—“
“I got you.” He says, because he’s good and perfect and so nice. “I got you, wait.”
They change positions. Hyunjin ends up on her back and Seungmin slides inside her again. She wraps her legs around him, pulling him close. Hands on his shirt, to take it off. She’ll take too. That’s what this is. Give and take. He’s gorgeous half naked with his broad shoulders and soft tummy. Hyunjin drools some more.
“Fuck me.” She pants, throwing her head back and clenching around him. “Fuck me, come on.”
He’s good at that too. He holds himself up and keeps looking at her face, making her burn more. He fucks her and it gets loud and wet and messy. Hyunjin loves it. She’s sweating. Maybe she’ll leave her scent here. Maybe Jisung and Minhee don’t fuck in their houses, but Hyunjin and Seungmin just did. Maybe Minhee will be able to smell her, if not on her couch, then on her husband.
She imagines her walking in and catching them in the act. Hyunjin doesn’t know if she’d cry in shame or laugh in her face. If she’d hide.
“Where’d you go?” Seungmin brings her back with a hand on her jaw. “Focus on me. Let me take care of you.”
Oh. Oh, that’s a cruel thing to say to her. She brings his head to her neck so he doesn’t see the tears threating to spill over. Maybe she’ll throw up later, when this is all over and maybe Minhee will be able to smell that too.
“Feels good.” She moans, because it does. She feels good. She doesn’t have to fake that. “Don’t stop.”
Seungmin moans with her. Maybe he likes being praised. Maybe it runs in the family.
His body envelops her and Hyunjin fantasies about being molded into one again. He’s inside her, he’s kissing all over his skin, wherever he can reach, he’s covering her whole. He’s so big and lovely and he smells so good and Hyunjin wants to smell good too. She wants to be half as good as him. If they fused together, would she stain him instead of sharing in all the lovely that he is? That would be devastating.
“I’m close.” She forces all the thoughts out and focuses on the drag of his cock in her cunt, the way she takes it, how he gives it to her. How physical all of it is, primal, so human. “You gonna—ah, gonna make me cum? Fuck me through it?”
Seungmin groans, speeding up. Hyunjin laughs in delight. “Yeah. Yeah, let me see you. Let me feel you.”
He brings his hand to Hyunjin’s clit and Hyunjin has to bite her fist. No one else is home but they do have neighbors. She still has some shame. Her voice climbs up as her orgasm approaches her, higher and higher until she’s sure only the dogs could hear her. Quite fitting, for the current situation, then.
Seungmin nods and pants with her as she cums, as if he’s the one feeling good. He goes to slow down, but Hyunjin shakes her head, too breathless to speak. Still, he understands her and keeps moving, keeps fucking her.
She feels like she’s floating. Nothing but a body, sweaty and flushed down to her tits, Seungmin’s hands on her and his wine in her belly. At the last second, he pulls out and paints her stomach white. Right. They didn’t use a condom. Smart.
Some diabolical part of her wonders what would happen if he didn’t do that. If he stayed in, filled her deep and wrong, but so right because it must be. It must be right, if it feels this good. Maybe that’s what Jisung and Minhee tell themselves too. Maybe they’re no better now. But she wonders what their child would be like – hers and Seungmin’s. How much of the good and how much of the awful?
“Stay here.” Seungmin kisses her forehead and it takes Hyunjin an embarrassing few moments to realize he didn’t mean for the night, but right now, on the couch. She laughs at the empty living room as he leaves.
He’s back with wet wipes and when she tries to sit up and grab them, he slaps her hand away lightly and cleans her stomach. She could cry. She could scream. She stays silent as he gets her panties and helps her into them, but not the rest of her clothes.
Seungmin smiles at her and pulls her down, where they just fucked, where they stained this couch and so much more. He wraps her in a hug. She stays frozen, until his hands melt her enough to fit in the embrace of his body.
He pulls the blanket from the edge of the couch and struggles with getting it over them. But when he succeeds, he kisses her forehead again and Hyunjin takes a deep breath. She fits her head under his chin, a broken wing in his palm and closes her eyes.