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Sue's "office" here is an annex to the cabin, a makeshift addition Sue built with her bare hands out of twigs and moss. It is a disgusting place. She has Jackie Taylor clean it with her hairbrush every other day, because Jackie would eat tree bark if someone patted her on the head afterwards.
She tried to make Shauna do it, but Shauna was in one of her moods and just snarled incoherently until Sue left her alone.
Shauna isn't hopeless, despite the teenage pregnancy. She is practically a younger mirror of Sue herself, doe-eyed and unblemished by life's various hardships, such as the IRS and kidney stones. She's a fine butcher, too. Not a single case of E. coli in this entire camp.
If only she were a little less pathetic.
"-and she barely spends any time with me, anymore, Coach! It's like her and Nat are embroiled in this- this weird struggle over Travis, and honestly, what does she even see in him? So what if I fucked Jeff? What the fuck does that have to do with Travis?" Shauna slams her butcher knife into Sue's 'desk,' which collapses because it is held together with tree resin and spit.
Sue blows her whistle. "Misty!"
Misty comes sprinting in and snaps to attention, saluting. "Yes, coach!"
"My desk has been annihilated by Shauna's latest homosexual tirade. Build me a new one, stat."
Misty gets on the ground and begins to gather up the collapsed bundles of sticks. "Yes, coach! But- if she destroyed it, shouldn't she be the one to-?"
"Shauna is in no shape for woodworking right now. She's a lesbian, Misty. Do you have any idea how much she goes through on a daily basis? Have some shame."
"Yes, coach!"
Sue couldn't care less about discrimination toward the lesbian community. Her plan is to establish herself as Shauna's mentor, hone her ruthless personality to as sharp an edge as possible, and eventually hire Shauna as her personal hitman. Together, they will murder William Schuester, and take over the United States.
"I haven't gone through anything," Shauna says sulkily. "I'm not gay."
"You may not be... but," Misty takes a deep, obviously choreographed breath. "I am."
"Wasn't a secret, Quigley," Sue sighs. "You mope after every girl on this team like a sociopathic, bespectacled chihuahua. God, does anyone on this team like men?"
"Me," says Coach Ben, hobbling in.
"Get out, Benjamin," Sue says. Ben starts to leave. "No, are you crazy? Come back, you big baby, I was kidding." Ben comes back. "I don't want to see your face in here ever again." Ben turns to go. "I DID NOT DISMISS YOU. YOU DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON ME." Ben turns back around. "Bring me Jackie Taylor."
After he and Misty leave, Jackie scurries in. "Coach?"
"Morning, sugarplum. Take Shauna on a date. Now."
"I'm sorry?" says Jackie, pageant smile flickering. Shauna opens and closes her mouth like a fish, or more accurately, like an idiot.
"I won't have you distracting my protege with your girl-next-door wiles," Sue says. "It's disgusting. Take her to the woods, slaughter wild animals together, do whatever you desocialized teenage freaks consider romance. Got it?"
Shauna opens her mouth.
"GO!" Sue blows her whistle. Jackie backs out the door, sending Shauna a panicked glance. "And don't come back until you're engaged!"
Since her desk is gone, Sue is forced to spend the remainder of the day prowling around the camp, making sure everything is running at 100% efficiency. Some girls she's never seen in her life are attempting to build an indoor plumbing system out of plane insulation, a desperate bid at appeasing her rage. Taissa and Van are scouting, or possibly engaging in lesbian sex. Natalie and her insipid boyfriend are off hunting various small game. Javi is crying.
Lottie is- where is Lottie?
Sue storms up just as Laura Lee lifts Lottie, dripping, from the lake. "What the hell are you kids doing?"
"She's blessing me," Lottie says placidly, right before Laura Lee dunks her again.
"Looks more like amateur waterboarding to me," Sue says with grudging respect. "Impressive technique, Bible camp."
"Thanks, coach," says Laura Lee. "Oh, by the way, we did find a small plane. Maybe I could-"
"Say no more, missy," Sue says, jabbing a finger at her. "I know exactly how this story ends. You either crash and burn in these very woods, or become a smoking wreck in the parking lot of some maple-bacon-serving Canadian McDonald's. Now - you've no doubt flattened some shmuck's car with your fuselage, and now people are calling the cops to raise a stink, and when the investigators find out who you are, they make some calls. They send your poor parents to identify your charred remains. And do you know what conclusion Mr. and Mrs. Lee draw?"
"That's not how it works," Lottie splutters from underwater. "Her first name is Laura Lee."
"That I was brave," Laura Lee says, smiling a dreamy smile. "They'd be sad, of course, but they'd know I tried to save us - that even if it was hopeless, I had the heart to try."
"No," Sue says. "That whoever let you in that cockpit was an imbecile. Get back to camp, ladies."
Neither the canon nor semi-canon gay couple are back yet, but Travis is, and Javi is still crying.
"Would someone give him a pacifier or something?" Sue asks. "I can't stand the sound of children's unsolicited tears. No one makes you cry but Sue Sylvester."
"What's wrong with you?" Travis asks. "He's not throwing a fucking tantrum, he's grieving. We just lost our fucking father, you monster. Do you know how hard that is?"
Sue makes a series of complicated clicking noises with her mouth, and Misty materializes out of nowhere to hand her a mushroom-and-dead-grass smoothie. She chugs the whole thing and throws the empty cup past Travis' head. He flinches. "Hard? You think losing a father is HARD?"
"YES," Travis shouts angrily.
"Well, you're damn right, tiger," Sue snaps. "Whatever that bleached crackhead brings back tonight, you and your sniveling little brother are getting a double portion. I sincerely hope that makes it easier on both of you."
"You shouldn't call Nat that," Travis says, still angry but mostly confused. "Thanks, Coach Sylvester."
Taissa bursts through the treeline, closely followed by Van. "There was- Coach, there was a man with no eyes- please- he wants to hurt us-"
"I don't know what she's talking about," Van says.
"He was there, you saw him," Tai says.
"I mean, yes, but he clearly had eyes," Van argues. "They were just hidden by his stupid fedora."
"It is a profoundly stupid fedora," Sue agrees. "That was the Spanish teacher, Will Schuester."
"What is he doing here?" Javi asks, sniffling.
"He follows me everywhere," Sue explains. "He has this... deranged obsession with using my kids to start a Glee cult."
"Glee club, Sue," Will says, stepping out of the shadows. "Who wants to be a star?"
Crystal and Misty raise their hands, look at each other, and start jumping up and down with joy. Not on Sue's watch.
"Quigley, you move another muscle and I will put you on outhouse duty for the rest of your life," Sue barks.
"But coach, this could be my calling..." Misty says longingly.
"What the fuck is going on?" says Van, just as Jackie and Shauna emerge from the treeline.
"We're getting married," Jackie gushes, and Shauna lifts her hand to reveal a small dandelion stem tied around her ring finger. "When we get back, obviously."
"Hate to rain on your gay pride parade, but that's illegal," Tai says. Jackie's face falls. "For now." Jackie smiles.
"Rain on my parade..." Will says. "Don't Rain on my Parade... Streisand... of course. That's what we'll sing at nationals." Crystal squeals.
Sue rubs at the beginnings of a headche in her temple. "William, no matter what your delusions have told you, this team is going to nationals for soccer, not your midlife crisis."
"Actually... we might not be going anywhere," says Lottie, slinking from Sue's periphery into the center of her sightline. "Winter is on its way. Soon. I can sense it."
"You guys realize you don't have to step out of the trees at weirdly opportune moments, right?" Van asks. "Like, you could just walk in normally."
"Enough," Sue says, and points at Lottie. "You. What did you say?"
"Winter is coming," Lottie repeats forlornly. "Doom. The wilderness is angered."
"Great," Sue says. "Now, I don't know why, but I believe your psychotic ramblings. Someone get Natalie, and the rest of you, start packing. We're moving south with the birds."
Will and Crystal die on their trek south. Sue had Shauna eat Will because Shauna for some godforsaken reason wants to keep the baby now, and everyone knows babies need protein. She has no earthly idea how Crystal died, but she suspects Misty had something to do with it. It's none of Sue's business.
However, they do make it to a city, and as luck would have it, nationals have been postponed. The 1996 Yellowjackets girls' soccer team, even malnourished and sans a few players, wins handily under her coaching. Taissa goes on to become a successful state senator, Shauna marries Jackie and assassinates several politicians, Lottie starts a cult with Laura Lee, Natalie falls in love with Lottie, and Sue Sylvester wins two presidential elections in a row.
the end