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Arthur was feeling a bit weird. Maybe he had a bit too much wine at the banquet. They'd been at a knighting ceremony and everyone had been in such high spirits, he may have had a few more glasses of wine than he normally did. It was probably just that.
At 11pm, he excused himself to his chambers, taking Merlin with him.
He let Merlin help undress him even though Merlin looked tired and stiff; there were bags under his eyes. Arthur had been working him too much recently, he knew that. But working him hard was a great excuse to having Merlin around all the time, as terrible as that sounded. Arthur shook his head and bit his lip.
"It was a good ceremony," Merlin was babbling on. "I think the knights are going to be feeling it tomorrow. I wouldn't start training early." He looked at Arthur amused. "Though, you look like you'll need a lie-in too."
Arthur just stood there watching him. He really did feel very odd indeed. Merlin began tidying up Arthur's clothes.
"Don't do that, Merlin," Arthur said, tiredly. Merlin looked at him. "Honestly, you do enough around here, you should go rest. I work you far too hard."
Merlin was really looking at him now, eyebrows threading together. Arthur hadn't meant to say that. It just came out. And now there was a witty excuse on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't make himself say it. What was going on?
"Sire, are you alright?"
"I... don't know," he said. "And please don't call me, Sire, Merlin. It's so formal, it makes me feel like we're not friends at all."
Merlin shifted where he stood.
"I didn't mean to say that," Arthur said quietly.
"Should I get Gaius?"
"Yes. Maybe that would be best."
Merlin left the room and it felt more empty than it ever had before. And Arthur had the almost uncontrollable urge to yell Merlin to come back. To stay with him, to hold him, to, god well, love him.
Arthur sat down on his bed. These weren't new emotions, he knew these feelings but he was usually much better at suppressing them. It had to be the wine, surely.
Merlin came back with Gaius and lingered in the doorway, whilst Gaius did his usual checks. Opening his mouth and peering in, looking at his eyes, checking his temperature. Gaius was always gentle and efficient but Arthur couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if it were Merlin's hands on him instead.
"When are you going to train Merlin up to do all this? He is your trainee physician, isn't he?" He asked. Gaius blinked back at him. Arthur had definitely not meant to ask that. Merlin stood still in the doorway. Was that a really weird thing to say?
"Sire," Gaius said softly, the way he always did when he was about to give him bad news. "I fear someone may have slipped something into your drink tonight."
"What do you mean by 'something'?"
"A truth serum, Sire."
"A truth serum?" No, that couldn't be.
"I'm afraid so. From what I can tell it's an intensifier spell so it will get more and more powerful."
Arthur stared at him, horrified.
"Well, what can we do?"
"I can make an antidote, Sire. But it will take me an hour or so."
"Okay," Arthur said, rubbing his hands over his face.
"In the mean time," Gaius said, "you should stay in your chambers. Merlin can keep an eye on you. I will be back as quickly as I can, Sire."
And Gaius quickly left, hopefully sensing the urgency of the situation.
Arthur watched Merlin stand awkwardly to the side of the room, barely moving from the doorway. This was awful. What if Arthur said something awful? Something like, I love you, I love you, I love you so fucking much, Merlin. Because that's what he wanted to say, it was almost spilling out of his lips but he sat tight. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Stop lingering in the corner like that, Merlin, you make me feel like you don't want to be near me," Arthur snapped and then cringed.
"I'm sorry," Merlin said, kindly, coming farther into the room.
"Me too," Arthur said, without knowing why he had.
Merlin frowned at him again.
"Why?" He asked. Which wasn't fair, that was cheating, making Arthur tell him the truth.
"Because I can't treat you the way I'd like to," Arthur said, grimacing as they came out of his mouth, not knowing what they'd be. It was hardly the whole truth.
"Um," Merlin replied so articulately.
"Look," Arthur said quickly, "I think you should get Leon to stay with me."
"Leon?"
"Yes. It would be much better if Leon were here with me than you."
"Oh." Merlin looked hurt.
"It's not that I don't want you to be here, Merlin, I really do. I just think it would be better for everyone if Leon were here instead."
His throat and chest were starting to hurt, ache like he might sob. The urge to tell Merlin how he truly felt was pressing against him.
"Please," he ground out.
"Of course," Merlin submitted, and swept out the room, still seeming putting out.
Arthur sunk his head into his hands. Fuck. This felt terrible. He ground his teeth and breathed hard. He just needed to get through another forty or so minutes.
There was a knock at the door, even though it was open and Leon came in, shutting it behind him. Merlin was nowhere in sight.
"Sire," Leon said cautiously, "Merlin told me of your er situation and I came to assist you."
"Come on, Leon, we've been friends since we were children, do you have to be so formal with me?"
Leon smiled.
"Arthur then," he said.
Arthur smiled. Arthur patted the bed and Leon came and sat down next to him.
"Merlin said it was going to get worse, it might be uncomfortable for you not to tell the truth," Leon said. Arthur nodded.
"You didn't want him here with you?"
Arthur shook his head.
"You were worried you'd tell him about how you feel for him?"
"Yes," Arthur said and Leon smiled softly at him.
"I can understand that, Arthur."
"It hurts," Arthur ground out. It did hurt, it was becoming deafening. A voice in his head screaming, tell Merlin you love him, tell him, tell him, tell him. Tell him he means everything to you. Tell him losing him would break you.
"Why don't you tell me about it? It might help."
Arthur breathed out hard, this could be embarrassing but at least it was just Leon. Maybe it could help.
"I love him," Arthur almost shouted, like it burst out of him. "Fuck, Leon, I love him so much. I love his stupid goofy smile and sticky out ears and clumsiness. I love his cheekbones and his eyes and I think he's beautiful, honestly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
He looked up at Leon, expecting something, something judgemental, something awkward, but he was just smiling softly like he was thinking of someone he loved too.
It worked for a while, the intense pressure on his chest had eased slightly but then it stopped working. It started to increase again, consuming him. The lump in his throat formed again and tears swallowed his eyes, threatening to fall.
"Leon, I don't know if I can do it," he said miserably. He was meant to be stronger than this. He wasn't supposed to be defeated by a spell. "I need to tell him I love him. I need to. I know I shouldn't and it'll ruin everything and he might quit if I do but I need to."
Tears were spilling now and Arthur felt god awful, he'd never felt so vulnerable in all his life. Crying like a girl to his toughest knight.
"Pretend I'm him," Leon suggested. "Pretend I'm him, close your eyes and tell me, Merlin, how much you love me."
Leon never ceased to amaze Arthur.
"You're truly a good man, Leon," he said. "It might be awkward."
Leon shrugged. "I'm willing to do anything that might help you, Arthur. Besides, we're friends aren't we?"
"Of course."
"Then, it's fine."
Arthur nodded. This had to better than confessing his love to actual Merlin and paying the consequences for that. He closed his eyes.
"Imagine Merlin, Arthur. Otherwise it won't work."
Arthur imagined Merlin. His gawky stance and messy black hair. His bright blue eyes and even brighter smile.
Tears were running down his cheeks but he kept his eyes closed and grabbed one fist in Leon's shirt, pretending it was Merlin's.
"I love you," he began, truly trying to see Merlin in front of him. "I've loved you since the first day I met you, when you stood up to me in front of all the knights. I thought you must have been the bravest person I'd ever meet and I wasn't wrong."
Arthur took a deep breath. It was helping.
"I love you. I love you more than anything, more than Camelot. Sometimes when I think I might lose you, it breaks me, I get so scared something will happen to you. And it breaks me even more that we can't be together. Because I love you, so much, you've got no idea, I-"
There was a cough. A scuff of shoes. Wait, had the door opened? Arthur had been so wrapped up, so relieved by the squeeze in his chest relenting that he hadn't noticed.
He opened his eyes, his fist was still holding onto Leon's shirt and his cheeks were tear stained and sticky. Leon was smiling at him but looked shocked, still.
"I'm sorry I didn't knock," said Merlin quietly from the doorway. Arthur couldn't bear to look. "I thought it was urgent."
Leon, slowly and gently, pulled Arthur's hand off of his shirt and stood. Walking over and collecting the antidote from Merlin.
"Gaius thought I'd run over faster than he could," Merlin explained.
Arthur sat still, completely unable to look around. Leon came back and passed Arthur the small glass bottle which Arthur stared at like he'd never seen one before in his whole damn life.
"Um, let me know if it doesn't work," Merlin said, and quickly left.
Arthur breathed harshly. Fuck. What Merlin had just walked in on looked very much like Arthur confessing his love for Leon...
"Drink it, Arthur," Leon said, rubbing his shoulder.
Arthur downed it in one and passed the bottle back to Leon.
The harsh pressure in his chest immediately disappeared, the lump in his throat stayed but for different reasons.
"Do you feel better?"
"Yes," Arthur said weakly, it had definitely worked because that was a lie. Arthur sighed.
"Thank you, Leon. You've been a true friend tonight. You won't er, tell anyone about tonight?"
"Of course not, Arthur."
Reassured, Arthur nodded. Of course Leon wouldn't.
"We should both get some rest. They'll be afternoon training," Arthur said, eager to be alone, to process what the fuck had happened tonight.
"Of course," Leon said, patting him on the shoulder and then leaving.
It could have gone worse, Arthur repeated to himself as he laid in bed. Surely it could have gone worse. But a small part of him kept saying it couldn't, that he should have just told Merlin the truth.
Merlin arrived the next morning, chipper as ever, which Arthur had realised a long time ago didn't mean a damn thing about how Merlin really felt. If anything he was acting too chipper, too happy, smiling too much. Arthur could sense an awkwardness behind his façade.
A week and they didn't speak about it. Merlin lingered in the doorway more, like there was something he wanted to say, like he wanted to bring it up. Arthur sent him away more, earlier, unable to face him. Terrified for when Merlin would confront him. It would be the same conversation Merlin had with him about Gwen. Merlin would tell him to go for it, that being with Leon was possible, he knew he would. Merlin was a romantic, after all, a dreamer. But Arthur couldn't stand it, to have Merlin tell him to be with someone else, to insist it. It was the nail on the coffin for him, the definer; Merlin didn't feel the same way back.
Uther called Arthur into a council meeting the following Friday and told him he needed Arthur to take some strategy plans to Northern Border for him.
"Just you, and you can take Merlin with you," Uther told him.
"Why can't one of the other knights do this task?"
"It's imperative we have Leon here to train the younger knights, and the other knights are escorting Princess Mynore to her home town. I didn't realise the urgency of the plans but no matter because you're more than capable of delivering them yourself."
This was a three day journey, just him and Merlin but he couldn't say no.
"Very well," he said and bowed out.
They left that afternoon. Merlin was being quiet, suspiciously so. Giving Arthur long looks as they mounted their horses and rode off north. It wasn't until the evening that Merlin finally said it. Arthur knew he would. He always bloody did. They were sat around a warming fire, eating rabbit Arthur (not Merlin because he's useless) had caught and it was so peacefully quiet, he knew Merlin was just about to ruin it.
"Being in love is a tricky thing," Merlin said, picking at his rabbit. This sounded rehearsed, thought-out. Arthur grimaced behind his hand. "Especially with someone you shouldn't be."
"Merlin," Arthur warned.
"But you can't help who you love."
"Merlin."
"And Leon truly is a wonderful guy."
Arthur ground his teeth. His cheeks were heating up, it was both embarrassing and devastating.
"I know it's not... ideal but being in love with Leon, I mean, I just want you to know that it's alright, it's okay."
Was this really happening?
"You two could be together, Arthur, maybe not now, but in the future. Or even in secret, I know that's a horrible thought but people don't need to know everything little thing about you-"
Arthur couldn't stand to hear this, it was exactly what he thought Merlin would say to him.
- "Merlin. I am not in love with Leon."
"Come on, Arthur, you don't need to deny it."
"I'm not denying it. I am just telling you the truth, I am not in love with Leon."
"But I heard you, Arthur." Merlin put down his rabbit and looked at him straight in the eye, as if imploring him to admit to it. "You were under the influence of a truth spell, you couldn't lie."
Arthur sighed. What could he say?
"It- it wasn't exactly what it sounded like," Arthur said carefully. "He was- he was helping me."
Merlin frowned.
"I was pretending he was someone else," Arthur said slowly and closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Merlin's reaction.
"Oh," Merlin replied. He could hear Merlin shifting where he sat, processing that thought. And then nothing.
Arthur opened his eyes. Merlin was just sitting, staring off into the distance. They sat in silence.
"Gwen?" He suddenly asked.
"Oh for god sake, Merlin, not Gwen either!"
"I'm sorry, I'm prying," Merlin said quietly, picking his half-eaten rabbit back up but not eating any of it. Just looking at it.
"It's a delicate subject," Arthur finally replied. It was an awful reply, it didn't mean anything. Just empty words.
Merlin seemed to shake himself off and then smiled at him.
"Well, whoever they are, they must be pretty special to mean more to you than Camelot," Merlin said, standing up and dusting himself off. Hearing his own words like that stung in a way Arthur couldn't quite understand.
"Here have the rest of that," Merlin said, passing Arthur his rabbit. "I'm going to get some kip."
And he trudged off and laid down on a grassy mound near by, using his jacket as a pillow.
Merlin seemed fine but normally he'd offer Arthur to sleep first, he wouldn't just go off. Arthur watched after him. Why could he never work out what was going on behind those big blue eyes?
They rode the next day in mostly silence. Arthur tried to ignore the claustrophobic squeeze of his throat. Merlin seemed upset, cold, distant. His wasn't babbling on about this and that. He was just staring off like he did so much recently.
"I'm not complaining," Arthur said when they stopped for lunch. "But you are awfully quiet."
"I don't think I can ever please you, Arthur. Either I'm too loud or I'm too quiet," he said it jokily but there was a snappish tone underneath, a bitterness.
"Well, maybe if you were a bit more of a competent manservant, then I'd be pleased," Arthur said, hoping for something light-hearted.
But Merlin didn't reply. He just sighed. And Arthur felt terrible.
Arthur took a sip of water, trying to think of something to say to salvage the mood.
"Arthur, if I'm truly that awful a manservant, why don't you just fire me?"
Arthur looked at him. He was standing, arms crossed, staring defiantly at Arthur.
Surely Merlin knew Arthur didn't really mean any of that.
"I think I liked you better when you couldn't lie," Merlin said before he could respond. Arthur swallowed.
"Merlin, what's wrong?"
"Why don't you tell me who it is that you were talking about?"
"What?"
"Who it is that you love?"
Arthur's heart hammered heavily in his chest.
"What's to you, Merlin, honestly?"
"I think I deserve to know. You said we were friends?"
"Yes."
"But you're better friends with Leon?"
"I've known Leon since I was a little boy."
"I could have helped you, you know," Merlin said. And here was the heart of the matter. "I could have done what Leon did. You didn't need to send me away. I would have kept the secret just like Leon did."
"I- I mean- It was a delicate subject."
"So you keep saying! But I never told a soul about Gwen. Don't you trust me?"
"It wasn't that I don't trust you, Merlin. I just felt more comfortable with Leon," he said.
Merlin sighed, looking unsatisfied.
"Look, you saw me, would you have felt comfortable with what I was doing to Leon, to you?" It was a weird question because really it would have been directed at Merlin the whole time anyway. There wouldn't have been any pretending with Merlin there but Merlin didn't know that.
Merlin's gaze snapped away, he looked deep in thought like he'd never considered actually doing it and was then for the first time.
"I would have done it for you, Arthur," he said. "I would do anything for you."
Arthur smiled softly to himself. And I'd do anything for you.
"I'll tell you what though, Merlin," Arthur said. And Merlin looked up at him brightly. "Being in love sucks."
Merlin laughed. It looked so good to see him finally smiling, laughing, happy for just a moment.
"I'll second that," he said, grinning.
And Arthur's heart sunk.
"Would you?" He said, suddenly serious again, unable to feel the twinge of betrayal.
"Yeah," Merlin said but then saw Arthur's serious, inquisitive expression and added, "not that I would know."
"Has anyone ever told you, you're a terrible liar?"
"Has anyone ever told you, you're a fantastic one?"
"What does that mean?" Arthur bristled.
"Sometimes it's so hard to see what you really mean, Arthur."
Arthur stood there, unsure what to say to that.
"Am I really your friend, Arthur?"
"Yes, Merlin. You're truly my greatest friend," he confessed, well it was almost the whole truth.
"Okay," Merlin finally said. And that was that. They finished lunch and continued riding.
The ride was less silent, they chatted about odd things, the weather, Camelot, this and that. Idyll chatter. But something still hung over their heads, Arthur could feel it. Arthur had turned to someone else in his time of need and it had hurt Merlin. But Merlin didn't know that it was him he'd wanted to turn to more than anyone else but couldn't. It was an awful mess.
They stopped at a Tavern for dinner and a room that night as they were passing one anyway. A night in a bed with a roof seemed appealing to Arthur. They had chicken and vegetables and several pint of meade. The meade was sweet and sticky but Arthur didn't mind; the result of the alcohol was much appreciated.
However, there was one thought the alcohol was intensifying. Merlin had said "I'll second that" which meant he had either been in or was in love. Arthur sipped his pint and thought bitterly that it was probably Gwaine, he knew that flirtatious charm and wit was too much. But if Merlin thought that "love sucked", did that mean that Gwaine didn't love Merlin back? Because that would be utterly ridiculous. The more Arthur drunk, the more he set this idea into stone in his mind. And by the end of the evening, he was sure Merlin fell for Gwaine who didn't return his feelings. What an absolute idiot, he thought Gwaine. To have Merlin love him and dismiss it.
Merlin helped Arthur up to their room after dinner (and more and more drinks), he didn't seem quite as drunk as Arthur.
"Yes, Merlin, good, thank you," he slurred, falling onto the bed immediately when they got into the room.
"Sleep now, Sire," he called from what seemed like far, far too far away.
"Don't call me that, I told you."
"Alright, Arthur," Merlin's voice was floating, he was moving towards the other bed. "Good night."
"Merlin?"
"Yes Arthur."
"You're too good for him," he said.
"For who?"
"Gwaine."
There was a small chuckle from Merlin's side of the room. "Gwaine?"
"Yes. Merlin, you're too good for him, much too much."
"I really don't know what you're on about, Arthur. Go to sleep."
Arthur grunted.
"You should be with someone who loves you, loves you more than anything, loves you more than Camelot," he mumbled. And that was closer to the whole truth.
"Arthur, what?" He heard Merlin say but he was already drifting off into sleep.
They reached the Northern Border midday the next day and dropped off the plans. Then it was just the same journey back. They took a slightly different route though to make it more interesting.
Arthur thought they probably wouldn't speak about the drunken chat. Merlin wouldn't want to talk about Gwaine, surely. Unrequited love wasn't better not spoken about in Arthur's opinion.
But during camp that night in a wooded glen, Merlin cleared his throat and said, "Arthur, I am not in love with Gwaine."
Arthur looked at him. He was confident, palms flat on his thighs, giving Arthur a clear, 'I am telling the truth' look.
"You're not?"
"No."
Arthur couldn't help but feel relieved but then it quickly died. Just because it wasn't Gwaine didn't mean it wasn't someone.
"Who then?"
"Oh, so I'm supposed to answer that but you don't have to?" Merlin said, cocking an eyebrow at him.
Arthur blinked at him. Merlin was right.
Arthur sighed.
"I just don't know why you can't trust me," Merlin said quietly.
"That's not fair, Merlin, I already told you it's not that I don't trust you."
"Oh, right yeah, it's just that you wouldn't feel comfortable."
"You're not being very understanding here, Merlin."
"Because I don't understand. I'm the one you turned to when it was Gwen and yet you couldn't now, did I do something wrong?"
"Jesus, Merlin, it was never Gwen!"
Merlin stopped, mouth-open, obviously losing the retort he had.
"What?" He said.
... "It- it was never Gwen. I- I wasn't talking about Gwen that time," Arthur said, throwing down his arms. Admitting defeat.
"What?"
"I was lying, Merlin. There was someone, someone I loved but couldn't be with but it wasn't Gwen. That same someone who I love now and can't be with."
"That same someone you were pretending Leon was?"
"Yes."
"Oh." Merlin shifted around the wood. "So you never really did trust me with your secret?"
"Oh jesus, Merlin, that's what you're worrying about. I'm sobbing to Leon about my broken heart but poor little Merlin needs everyone to trust him with their secrets."
"You think unrequited love is the worse thing that's ever happened to anyone? Jesus Arthur. Try having your unrequited love yell at you all the time and tell you how awful you are!"
Arthur opened his mouth to yell something back but stopped. Wait. His heart felt wrenched.
"And what does that even mean, Arthur? Unrequited, you're the Prince of bloody Camelot, you haven't even told this person, have you? Because if you had, it probably wouldn't be unrequited, you clotpole. And another thing-"
- "It's you."
Merlin shut up immediately, mouth gaping like a fish. Arthur's heart was drumming so hard in his chest, he felt like he might be sick.
"What?" Merlin said, staring at him. Really staring at him, boring a hole into the side of his head.
"It- it was you, Merlin. I mean, it is you."
"Who- who you love?"
"Who I love."
"More than anything?"
"More than anything."
"More than Camelot?"
"More than Camelot."
And that was the whole truth.
They stood in silence, Merlin doing his best impression of a gormless chicken, just staring at Arthur. It was awful. Arthur really thought he might be sick.
"Say something, Merlin."
Merlin opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again.
"I mean, well I always knew you were an idiot but not this much of one," he finally said.
"Oh thanks, Merlin, I appreciate that. I confess my love undying love you and you call me an idiot."
His heart was still pounding but at least Merlin had said something, something that wasn't 'er thanks for that but I quit.'
"I guess I've been a bit of an idiot too, though," Merlin said. He scuffed the floor with his foot. "If we'd both just been a bit more honest with each other, than maybe...
..."maybe what?"
"Than maybe love wouldn't have sucked so much," he said, shrugging.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh jesus christ, you know for a Prince, you're incredibly thick!" Merlin said, walking over and grabbing Arthur's shit and pulling him in for a kiss.
It was chaste but also the longest second in Arthur's life.
They left their foreheads together, stood in the cold woodland, holding onto one another for the first time ever properly but it certainly wouldn't the last time.
END.