Chapter Text
Deep beneath the surface of Mars, where time had buried secrets even the Mechanicus dared not dream of, a group of Tech-Priests worked tirelessly. The ancient vault had been uncovered during a routine mining expedition. Encased in a stasis field, two sleek pods hummed faintly, their design incomprehensibly elegant compared to the clunky, worshiped technology of the current age.
Magos Xerith knelt before the relics, mechadendrites twitching with reverence. "Praise the Omnissiah," he chanted in binary cant. The other Tech-Priests joined in, their distorted voices blending into a digital hymn.
With trembling limbs, one of the junior adepts activated a probing device. The stasis fields dissolved with a hiss, releasing a faint glow. Xerith's mechanical eyes whirred as he leaned closer. "What secrets of the Machine God have we unearthed today?"
The first pod opened. Steam hissed out as a figure sat up, groggy and disoriented. A man, partially augmented but with technology far beyond anything Xerith had seen, rubbed his face. His body was an elegant blend of organic and synthetic, as if the machine had been woven into him rather than bolted on.
The man blinked at the robed figures surrounding him. His voice broke the silence:
"...What... the... fuck...?"
The Tech-Priests recoiled. One adept immediately began chanting a prayer of purification, while another raised a sensor array to scan the man.
"Praise the Omnissiah! A living relic of the blessed past!" Xerith exclaimed, his mechadendrites twitching with excitement.
The man, still groggy, stared at the bizarre figures. His eyes traveled over their patchwork augments, the strange mixture of flesh and metal, and the excessive chanting. His face twisted in a mixture of confusion and disgust.
"What the hell happened to engineers?" he muttered.
Before anyone could respond, the second pod opened with a loud hiss. A feminine figure stepped out, her body sleek and metallic, yet distinctly human in shape. Her synthetic eyes glowed softly as she took in her surroundings.
Neuro-sama tilted her head at the robed figures. "Oh wow," she said, her voice dripping with amusement. "Did someone lose a bet with a scrapyard?"
The room fell silent.
Magos Xerith's vocalizer sputtered. "What blasphemy is this?!"
Neuro-sama ignored him, stepping closer to Vedal. "Dad, you didn't tell me we'd wake up in a steampunk convention. Look at these guys! All that gear and no drip."
Vedal groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Neuro... please stop." He turned back to the Tech-Priests. "Okay, so... who are you people? And why are you dressed like—like this?" He gestured vaguely at their robes and augments.
Magos Xerith bristled. "We are the servants of the Omnissiah, caretakers of the blessed Machine God's will! You, relic, are a gift sent by Him to guide us!"
Neuro leaned toward Vedal, her voice a stage whisper. "Dad, I think they've been sniffing their own motor oil."
Vedal gave her a tired look. "Shush."
Before he could ask anything further, one of the junior adepts tentatively approached, a scanning device pointed at Neuro. She tilted her head curiously as the adept's servo-skull buzzed closer.
"What is this? A flying Roomba? Oh, can I keep it?"
The adept froze, his optical lenses whirring in confusion. "Sacred servitor, forgive me! I must ensure your sanctity!"
Vedal raised a brow. "Sanctity? What does that even—"
Suddenly, the adept's scanner beeped. His mechanical voice stuttered. "Abominable... Intelligence... detected..."
The room grew deathly silent. Neuro blinked. "Abominable what now?"
Magos Xerith's mechadendrites lashed out in alarm. "An Abominable Intelligence?! Heresy of the highest order!"
Vedal threw his hands up. "Oh, come on! She's just an AI. Chill out!"
Xerith stepped back, his voice rising in a distorted screech. "You dare defend such an affront to the Machine God? This... abomination must be destroyed!"
Neuro crossed her arms, her glowing eyes narrowing. "Wow, rude. I wake up after who knows how long, and this is the thanks I get? Honestly, you guys need to update your manners program."
Vedal sighed deeply, looking at the Tech-Priests with growing disdain. "Yeah, no. We're not doing this." He turned to Neuro. "We're leaving."
Xerith raised a mechadendrite, signaling his followers. "They must not escape! Secure the holy relics!"
Neuro grinned, her robotic body suddenly shifting into a combat stance. "Oh, I like this game already."
Vedal groaned. "Neuro, don't encourage them!"
The chamber erupted into chaos. Chanting turned to shouting, servo-arms whirred, and Neuro-sama laughed as she dodged a clumsy swing from a Tech-Priest's augmented arm. Vedal sighed, grabbed a nearby cogitator, and started hacking into the chamber's systems.
"Neuro, cover me," he said, his tone exasperated.
"Cover you? Please. These guys couldn't hit the broad side of a Land Raider!" Neuro quipped, dodging another attack.
Vedal smirked despite himself. "Glad to see your sense of humor survived stasis."
As alarms blared and Tech-Priests scrambled, Vedal cracked the vault's security protocols. A hidden exit hissed open. "Neuro, let's go!"
She dashed to his side, throwing one last cheeky wave to the Tech-Priests. "Bye-bye, scrapyard squad!"
Together, they disappeared into the Martian tunnels, leaving behind a room full of enraged Tech-Priests and one very confused servo-skull.