Chapter Text
No, Satoru will not tidy up! Not yet.
He and Suguru are still building a castle for the ants they found under the logs scattered around the schoolyard. What will happen to the poor ants if they leave it unfinished? They need shelter from the cold October air and light showers.
Satoru and Suguru just finished gathering sticks and fallen leaves for the castle. The ground is carpeted with a thousand shades of scarlet and orange maple leaves, accented by sunlight-yellow ones from the slowly shedding zelkova trees.
It’s Halloween month, Satoru was visibly vibrating with excitement when he broke the news to Suguru. It’s his favourite time of the year because he gets to dress up as his favourite Digimon creatures and eat lots of sweets (more than usual).
While some of their friends jump into the leaf piles and shower themselves with fallen leaves, Satoru and Suguru splish-splash in the puddles created by the heavy rain last night.
Satoru stomps cheerfully. He and Suguru now have matching penguin rainboots! He demanded his nanny Rina buy him the exact same pair of boots Suguru wore to school the other day. He insisted that he must absolutely match with Suguru when they jump in the puddles together because that’s what best friends do.
Another whistle. The final call.
Yoshitaka-sensei and the other teachers are herding Satoru’s classmates into the classroom.
Suguru just finished helping their teachers put away the chalk, balls, and hula hoops they played with in the yard. He walks towards Satoru, his yellow hat bright against the autumn-grey sky.
Dig, dig, dig. Just keep digging.
In the corner of his eye, Satoru sees Yoshitaka-sensei’s floral skirt swishing in the breeze. “Satoru, it’s time to go back to the classroom.”
“No!”
He flinches, surprising himself with how forceful the word came out. How embarrassing.
Changes and transitions are hard for him. Sometimes his little body fills up with big emotions he doesn’t know how to deal with and BOOM he goes like a volcano. He yells, shoves, hits, bites, and throws toys in the classroom and at home.
His parents sigh and tell him to stop making a scene. It’s not a big deal, Satoru. There’s no reason for you to freak out over the smallest things.
Rina calls him her “little hurricane”. She has no qualms about telling Satoru what he does that frustrates her. She hugs him afterwards because she knows he’s upset and confused and needs someone to comfort him.
At school, his teachers give him five-minute warnings and let him know ahead of time what to expect because he freaks out when he goes into the unknown. Sometimes they work, other times they don’t. It’s a “work in progress”, his teachers say.
Yoshitaka-sensei gently repeats that it’s time to go back.
Satoru protests and stomps his feet. His eyes are getting blurry and wet with tears. His heart thunders in his chest and roars loudly in his ears, making it difficult to hear.
“Satoru.” Suguru’s soft voice cuts through the overwhelming noises. “Why don’t we build a castle for the classroom dinosaurs?”
“That’s a brilliant idea, Suguru!” Yoshitaka-sensei chimes in. “You can build your castle with the colourful magnetic tiles on the light table. Doesn’t that sound amazing?”
Satoru pouts as he considers it for a moment. He wipes his tears with the back of his hand and lets out a deep breath. “Okay.”
He and Suguru march back into the classroom hand in hand. Satoru watches Suguru with adoration. He remembers his warm smile and his long, dark hair swaying with cherry blossom petals in the breeze when they first met in the spring, at the beginning of the school year.
Satoru barely had any friends before he started attending kindergarten. He mostly played with his cousins, who were mean and ugly. The only cousin he likes is Yuta, who’s cute and listens to him yap about outer space, gross cadaver facts, and Digimon (which usually bore or horrify people). But he’s only one year old.
When the boy with bangs and long hair tied up in a ponytail sat on the carpet and listened to his weird but cool science facts in earnest, he knew he had found his best friend.
Satoru tries to be better to impress Suguru. He also acts like Suguru because the other children and the grown-ups love him. Their classmates play with Satoru when he shares toys and waits for his turn— something Suguru excels at with ease. He also noticed his mother and father smiling when he uses polite words, eats his vegetables, and tidies after himself like Suguru so he keeps working hard.
Satoru sits in the cosy corner when they return to the classroom. He needs time to shake the unpleasant feelings off of his body before he can play again.
“Do you want to read this book together?” Suguru joins him and holds up a picture book that Yoshitaka-sensei read to them yesterday. It’s about a baby T-Rex who wants to comfort their friend but their arms are too short for hugs.
Satoru nods.
They huddle close as they read the book together. Satoru gradually feels better in Suguru’s company, a glowing warmth replacing the brewing storm in his chest.
Suguru always knows how to make him feel better. Satoru loves how he lets him hold his hand when he’s upset and saves his spot so they can sit together at lunchtime. He’s so kind and thoughtful.
Suguru never gets mad. He also never cries— even when he trips and skins his knees or a classmate deliberately takes a toy from him. Yesterday, Suguru created this amazing rainbow dragon out of Duplo blocks that he flew around the schoolyard. For no reason at all, that little stinker Naoya knocked the rainbow dragon out of his hands and scattered the blocks on the grass.
Suguru just walked away. He caught Satoru’s gaze as he passed by and smiled.
Satoru, who watched it all happen, felt anger bubbling in his gut. He didn’t understand how Suguru could still smile after Naoya destroyed the rainbow dragon that he worked so hard to build.
What he did know was he had to do something. So he went after Naoya and bit his cheek. Hard. He needed ice for the bruising and was sent home early.
You can be mad, you know. Satoru rambled on about how frustrating it was when somebody destroyed something he put a lot of effort into the way Rina would explain to him why it was not okay to track mud on the carpet because he was not allowed to have another doughnut.
Wordlessly, Suguru just smiled— the kind that turned his eyes into half-crescent moons— and took Satoru to the kitchen area to play house with their friends, Yu and Kento.
A question from Suguru pulls Satoru back to the present. “Do you want to finish the ant castle after school?”
“Yeah.” Satoru curls up against Suguru who smells like strawberries and springtime. “Can I have a hug?”
Suguru nods. He used to appear stiff and uncomfortable when Satoru hugged him. Satoru doesn’t know why and Suguru doesn’t tell him, but Suguru now welcomes his hugs after Satoru asks if it’s okay with him.
After building their dinosaur castle on the light table, they sit by the floor-to-ceiling windows to admire the autumn foliage until it’s time to pack their bags and go home.
Satoru is happy and safe with Suguru and he’s the only friend he needs.
Satoru and Suguru scurry to the yard to finish their ant castle as soon as school ends. They spend a long time watching the ants enter it in a single file.
A few minutes later, Suguru’s face lights up when a beautiful woman with short, caramel-coloured hair enters the school gate. She’s in a wide-collared blouse, a high-waisted skirt, and tall stiletto heels. “Mommy!”
Suguru bounces towards her, his ponytail loosening and bangs spilling out of his Kuromi hair clip. Suguru’s Mommy mirrors his smile and bends down to give him a hug. “Hi, baby. How was your day?”
Satoru rushes to join them. “Auntie! Sugu-chan and I made a castle for the ants and we splashed in the puddles, that’s why our rainboots got muddy!”
Suguru’s mom looks at their rainboots and their smiling faces fondly. “Well it’s when you kids go home all muddy that I know you had a fun day. Right, Suguru?”
Suguru beams and nods.
Last spring, Satoru noticed two women dropping off and picking Suguru up at school.
I have two mommies, Suguru answered when curiosity got the better of Satoru.
The woman who drops him off in the mornings is a tall, willowy woman with long black hair, wears large, round glasses and looks very much like Suguru. He calls her “Mama” and she makes Suguru’s yummy bento lunches with different cartoon characters every day.
Suguru’s other mother is the caramel-haired woman who picks him up in the afternoons and is always dressed for her very serious job in an “office” (Suguru mentioned that his Mommy studies children’s brains and helps sad children to not be sad anymore).
Suguru is the only person Satoru knows who has two moms, not a mom and a dad. But Suguru is special in every way.
Suguru’s Mommy chats with Yoshitaka-sensei as she does at every pickup. She likes knowing how Suguru’s day went and Yoshitaka-sensei is more than happy to share how well Suguru did literacy and maths activities and how advanced he is for his age.
“Suguru also helped Satoru calm down when he had a rough morning,” informs Yoshitaka-sensei.
Suguru’s Mommy strokes his hair affectionately. “That’s very kind, Suguru.”
“He takes such good care of his friends. He’s an angel, really. I wish I had 20 of him.” Yoshitaka-sense giggles and turns to talk to another parent.
Suguru’s Mommy smiles. “Satoru, just one more sleep and you’re coming to our house!”
Satoru likes chatting with Suguru’s Mommy. She’s so friendly and always asks how his day was and appreciates Satoru’s goofiness.
“Yes!” He bounces with excitement. He’s been counting the days until he visits Suguru’s house.
He and Suguru have been best friends for a while now but it’s Suguru who always comes over to his place. Satoru was over the moon when he finally got to show Suguru his enormous Digimon figurine collection. Now it’s his turn to see Suguru’s house and play with his toys. It feels so special!
Suguru waves at him as he follows his mother to the car. “See you tomorrow, Satoru!”
Satoru waves back. “Bye Suguru! Bye Auntie!”
Not long after, Rina— Satoru’s second favourite person in the world after Suguru— picks him up to drop him off at gymnastics class.
“Remember what your mother and your father said: be on your best behaviour,” says Rina when Satoru reminds her about the visit.
She’s a little apprehensive because Satoru is not used to spending time in other peoples’ houses apart from family. He’s used to having his way and gets distraught when he doesn’t, which can get tricky when he’s in an unfamiliar environment.
But Rina has noticed subtle changes in Satoru’s behaviour since Suguru started coming over for play dates. He seems to mimic his friend’s gentle demeanour, especially in front of his parents upon observing how fond they are of Suguru.
Satoru used to have bouts of packing up his plush Cinnamoroll backpack and attempting to run away whenever he got mildly inconvenienced at home. He doesn’t do that anymore.
He also listens better now. Once, he went home with an envelope he made in school and gave to Rina. It’s a special gift! He announced animatedly and added that Suguru surprised his mommies with the same gift yesterday, which made them happy.
A scream erupted from her mouth and she threw the envelope across the room as soon as she found the crawling worms and bugs Satoru carefully collected in the schoolyard. Satoru stared at her unexpected reaction in wide-eyed horror and never ‘surprised’ her with ‘special gifts’ again.
“Did you hear me, Satoru?” She lightly tugs Satoru’s little hand, the one she’s holding as he skips merrily to avoid the cracks (aka lava) in the pavement. “You better be on your best behaviour or else—”
“Of course, I will be!” is Satoru’s snarky response. “It’s not like I was raised by wolves!”
Rina barks out a bewildered laugh. “Where did you learn that?”
“On Youtube, duh!” Bounce, and bounce, and bounce. “Hey, you just stepped on the lava!”
When Satoru goes home tonight, he’ll tell his mother and his father that he doesn’t want to live in their old, boring, black-tiled roof house anymore.
He’ll live in Suguru’s house instead— it has a sensory roller slide, a trampoline, a swing, and a lava floor mat— undoubtedly the superior choice. They can make pillow forts here! He’s never allowed to make pillow forts at home because they make the house look ‘messy and disorganised’— Mother and Father’s words.
Suguru’s house is like an indoor amusement park with fun toys and huge windows that let sunlight flood in. He doesn’t know why Suguru even liked going to his boring old house when his own place is way cooler.
In the morning, they were at the backyard sword-fighting with fallen sticks and skewered dried leaves. They ate omurice and the Cinnamoroll onigiri Suguru’s Mama prepared for lunch, then they baked cupcakes and helped put buttercream frosting and sprinkles on top.
Satoru might have too much fun chasing Suguru around the kitchen to smear leftover frosting on his cheek. Rina made sure to snap many photos to send his parents later, and he hopes she’ll put in a good word for him like, Look, Satoru is behaving well and is living his best life in Suguru’s house.
They’re zooming across the living room on brightly-coloured scooter boards when an unfamiliar man’s voice resounds in the hallway and Suguru skids to a stop.
Satoru follows the sound of the voice and finds a tall man with slicked-back hair, whose thin brows and prominent nose resemble Suguru’s. “—had a client meeting in the neighbourhood, so I thought we’d stop by for a bit. Hey, buddy!”
The man crouches down and extends his arms upon seeing Suguru slowly approaching. “Come give Papa a hug!”
Suguru only gives his father a guarded look.
The man’s handsome face falls. “Why do you look so unhappy when I come over? It’s breaking my heart.”
He punctuates it with a chuckle to let everyone know he’s only teasing.
Hesitantly, Suguru steps forward and lets his father hug him.
“You could have let us know you were coming over,” says Suguru’s Mama, gazing at him worriedly.
Satoru doesn’t understand what’s going on, but he has a feeling that his fun visit is coming to an end.
“Hi, Sugu-chan!” A boy who looks identical to Suguru chimes in. He flings his arms around his twin and Suguru tenses up mutely like a mouse trapped in a boa constrictor’s body before getting eaten whole.
“Gentle, Ken-chan.” One of the grown-ups reminds him.
But the hug only seems to get more suffocating, seeing how Suguru grows more uneasy and rigid. He jumps away as Ken-chan releases him like his twin is made of hot iron.
Suguru once told Satoru he has a twin brother named Kenjaku who lives with their dad in a different house and goes to school on the other side of Tokyo (Wait, you have a dad too? You have three parents? asked Satoru, stunned. Not all families are the same, and that’s okay, replied Suguru). All Satoru knows is that Kenjaku comes over to play with Suguru sometimes.
Kenjaku resembles Suguru in almost every way— he too has shoulder-length hair and smiles with half-crescent moon eyes. However, Kenjaku’s eyes are a cool shade of purple and a long scar runs across his forehead, which he got from ‘playing too rough’, according to Suguru.
As Suguru’s mothers and father head to the kitchen to chat and make dinner together, Suguru takes Satoru and Kenjaku to the playroom upstairs. Rina comes along but has to step out onto the balcony to take a call from Satoru’s mother.
Suguru and Satoru dig into the big bin full of wooden and foam blocks and excitedly discuss what sorts of awesome structures they can create with them. Eventually, they agree to build a super cool antigravity space station for floating cars and laser-visioned aliens.
Satoru doesn’t miss the way Suguru chews on his lower lip— something he does when he’s worried. He glances at his twin, who’s sitting in the cloth hammock in the corner and flipping through a board book, like he’s waiting to be pushed down the staircase at any moment.
Seemingly minding his own business at first, Kenjaku slowly slips behind Suguru and stealthily locks the sliding balcony door.
This is when everything falls apart like an array of dominoes toppling over.
Kenjaku casually rams into their half-finished space station as if he’s strolling at the park, face impassive.
“No!” yells Suguru.
“Hey! That was not nice!” protests Satoru. Eyebrows scrunched together and heart hammering in his chest, he recalls what grown-ups tell him when he’s being unkind to his cousins and is determined to give Kenjaku a piece of his mind.
But Kenjaku isn’t done vexing his twin. He kicks the blocks to the other side of the room as Suguru hollers and stomps his feet in protest. “Stop! Ken-chan, stop! ”
Satoru thinks he can see Rina tapping agitatedly on the balcony door, but everything becomes a blur when frustrated, ear-piercing screams reach every corner of the house.
Curling up on the carpeted floor, Satoru covers his ears with his hands to protect them from the agonising screams. He’s frozen in place. Toys and books fly across the room, the bins upturned, the drawings on the walls ripped to pieces.
Suguru is having a full-blown meltdown and Satoru doesn’t know what to do. He’s so enraged that he throws himself onto the floor and slams his head repeatedly against a wooden block.
Satoru’s stomach churns at the sickening, banging sounds. “Sugu-chan!”
He stares desperately at the playroom door, and suddenly as if materialising them with his mind, the grown-ups storm into the room to stop the commotion.
Suguru’s Mommy unlocks the balcony door and lets Rina in.
Suguru’s Papa catches his wrists and restrains him in his arms, not too tightly, but just enough to keep Suguru from harming himself further. Suguru puts up a fight first: pushing, kicking his legs, and arching his back, demanding to be put down.
“I know you’re mad at me for picking you up—”
“—Let me go let me go let me go let me go let me go—! LET! ME! GO —! ” Suguru keeps thrashing and screaming. Angry and helpless, he fills the room with his pained and frustrated cries.
“—And you can be mad, but you have to stop hurting yourself.”
Suguru is too far gone to hear the people around him, much less perceive their attempts to calm him down.
Satoru’s chest tightens. He has never seen his best friend— or anyone— get distressed like that and it terrifies him.
Kenjaku quietly watches everything unfold as if he did not cause the devastation.
Fury blazes like wildfire within Satoru, but he smothers it. Instead, he curls his hands into tight fists until he digs bloody half-moon crescents into his palms.
Suguru’s Mama gently touches his cheek and cards the hair stuck to his forehead with tears and sweat. “Come here, sweetheart.”
She picks him up and kisses the top of his head. “Deep breaths.”
“Ken-chan— K-Ken-chan…” Suguru rasps out broken sentences when his mother asks him what happened. A blubbering mess, he buries his face into his mother’s shoulder. “...b-but he didn’t listen!”
The twins’ father pulls Kenjaku aside and in a grim voice, he says, “We need to talk.”
Once Suguru’s short and shallow breaths become steadier, Suguru’s Mama passes him onto her wife. She ushers Satoru and Rina out of the playroom and apologises for the sudden disruption of his visit.
“Suguru has sensory processing issues,” she explains. “Sometimes things happen and trigger feelings that are too big for his little body to contain. You don’t see it at school because Suguru does his best to hold it together all day, but once he’s in a safe and familiar environment— at home— those feelings spill over and he falls apart.”
She pushes her round glasses against the bridge of her nose and continues, “Some grown-ups may write them off as tantrums but they’re different. Sensory meltdowns can make you feel intense physical pain like your skin is on fire or someone is wringing you out like a wet sponge, and the pain won’t go away even when you finally get what you wanted.”
Satoru clings to Rina, still reeling from the last few minutes of chaos. He recalls how he also gets overwhelmed at home and in crowded places. The overhead lights are sometimes too bright, the people around him talk too loudly. Even the breeze touches his skin wrong at times and it makes him go mad.
His parents shoot him a pointed look and take him back to the car or his room. They say his behaviour is ‘unbecoming’ and he must think hard about his actions until he calms down. But he can’t calm himself down. He lashes out and doesn’t know why or how he can stop. He often finds himself desperately wishing there’s someone who can help take away all his frustration.
“Sensory meltdowns are a daily experience for Suguru, unfortunately. He’s been dealing with a lot of things at school lately— a new environment, routines, schoolwork, and how to play with new friends. Today was more intense than usual, though, because he… had unexpected visitors,” she says, “But it’s not his fault. He’s doing the best he can— he just needs extra support.”
Suguru’s bedroom door is cracked open. The curtains are drawn and the only light source is the iridescent bubble lamp on his bedside table. Covered in a weighted blanket, he snuggles against his mother. She’s standing by the bed, pressing an ice pack on his forehead and swaying him gently.
“Take a big breath just as we practised… That’s it.” His mother’s voice rings in the dark, soft and crystalline. “And breathe out… Let all the sadness out…”
Suguru takes in a shaky but deep breath and releases it. He presses his wet cheek into her caramel-coloured hair and sobs fretfully, “The sadness is still there…”
“It’s okay if the sadness stays a little longer. Sometimes it takes time to go away.” She gives him a squeeze and whispers in reassurance, “Mommy loves you very much.”
Satoru watches them from the hallway in silence. A hollow void twinges in his core— a deep, yawning ache of longing for a warmth he has never come across in his short life.
He searches for Rina’s hand and holds it tight. She squeezes his hand back in response. I’m here.
Suguru’s mother tucks him to bed and kisses his forehead. She leaves after inviting Satoru in.
He sits on the floor by the bed. “Hey…”
Suguru has stopped crying. An angry red patch mars his forehead, alarmingly resembling Kenjaku’s scar, but it is fading. The tear tracks on his cheeks are still visible under the iridescent glow of the bubble lamp. He looks like he’s a few seconds away from succumbing to exhaustion.
“I’m sorry, Satoru… I know you don’t want to be my friend anymore,” mutters Suguru, the corners of his lips downturned. He hides his face under the blanket.
Satoru’s heart shatters into a million pieces. “What are you talking about? Who else would listen to me talk about Digimon for hours?”
He crawls into bed, nestling closely against Suguru to prove to his silly friend that he won’t get rid of him anytime soon. He reaches for Suguru’s hand under the blanket and squeezes it as Rina did a few moments ago. It’s the only way he knows how to tell Suguru I’m here. I’ll always be here.
“You’ll always be my best friend.”