Work Text:
Eunseok informed Sungchan of the breakup in the library during a “study” session, two weeks after it actually happened. Sungchan had been really calm about it, meaning Shotaro had probably already told him, which was kind of embarrassing, because then it looked like Eunseok was more affected about it than Shotaro. Which could very well have been the truth. Eunseok has no clue.
Sungchan had then asked, “Do you want me to stop talking to him?”
And Eunseok had said, “What? No?”
Sungchan had half-closed his Macbook, all serious in a way that had made Eunseok want to die a little bit, and then said, “I'm your best friend, dude,” which had made Eunseok want to die a lot. “And I know you. For you to tell me this late, shit happened.”
“Uhm.” Eunseok had told him. “It wasn't bad or anything.”
Sungchan had raised an eyebrow. “Okay.”
“And I'm not going to force you to stop talking to the only other Asian guy in your tutorial group, man. I gotta think about the big picture and Japan-Korea relations here,” Eunseok had said, trying too hard to be funny, which had worked, because Sungchan had laughed.
“So it’s all good?”
“It’s fine.”
“So why'd you guys…?”
So Shotaro hadn't said why. Or maybe Sungchan had been trying to talk about feelings or whatever. Eunseok still doesn't know, because he doesn't actually want to. He’d fiddled with the fraying edge of the beanbag he'd been sitting on. “Oh. Well. It wasn't that serious, so.”
“Didn't work out?”
“Yeah.”
And that had been it.
Eunseok isn't really a subscriber of the whole You Can't Be Friends With Your Ex thing. It's hard enough making friends in uni. It's not high school, where being in the same class all day forced you to make friends with your classmates, with all those sports day events and class competitions. Uni is a lot more individual. And then Eunseok is like, something something pandemic teenager, yadda yadda has niche internet humour, something something is a giant fucking weeb. Which makes him a bit socially inept. He’s been called overly direct or distant sometimes. Whatever.
It's not even like he's totally friendless. He's got Sungchan, which is probably cheating, since he got Sungchan from high school; and he has Seunghan, he thinks. He hopes. And Shohei, who he met at a faculty mixer and oddly hit off with, but Shohei is a masters student and due to go home to Japan in less than a year's time so he's not going to have Shohei for much longer. Two and a half friends is something.
It's not like he really cares. To be honest. About being popular and knowing things like who's going out with who or who's having a giant birthday blowout or who went to Amsterdam and got super high last week. He doesn’t exactly feel left out. Uni is a short three years and right after that it's the corporate rat race so none of this will matter by the time graduation rolls around. His parents’ friends are all from work and not college. He’ll live being boring.
That being said, Eunseok still clings to Osaki Shotaro as a kind of last bastion of the uni experience. Shotaro dresses cool even when all he has that day is a single hour-long 9am lecture, gets invited everywhere, is in everyone's Instagram stories and throwback posts. The pack of people he hangs out with are all gorgeous and cool and have bright hair and he has all of that too. Shotaro gives him street cred. Or whatever.
It's not like Eunseok uses him. Not more than Shotaro uses him, at least. They actually do talk, both on iMessage and Instagram DMs and very very occasionally Snapchat, which is already much more than Eunseok usually talks to his acquaintances, which is never. Anyways, they're real friends, and it's always worth treasuring real friends and holding onto them. That's his excuse for clinging to Shotaro.
The real reason is something a little more shameful.
A lot more shameful, actually. If he’s honest to himself about it.
Eunseok has been hesitating bringing it up for a while, drawing it out before the great big guilty reveal, because while maybe he isn't the best at this whole social life, uni culture thing, he does have some kind of awareness. Enough awareness, at least, to know that being friends with benefits with your ex is incredibly, exceptionally pathetic.
It really wasn't that serious when they dated. They met last January during Seollal Friday, in Seunghan's fancy parent-sponsored penthouse apartment like usual, with at least five other people Eunseok hadn't known the name of, like usual.
Sungchan had dragged Shotaro along because they'd gotten close in class and because Shotaro had wanted to experience how Korean people celebrate Seollal, though he hadn't really gotten to do that since the only Korean thing on the table that night had been soju. Dinner had been packet-made Haidilao hotpot from the Chinese supermarket, and no one had coordinated what ingredients to bring, so there'd been way too many boxes of meat rolls and a single head of cabbage.
Everyone had been drinking, Eunseok included. At some point some guy had called for a smoke break and pretty much the entire place had left to lean over the balcony and keep talking between puffs, leaving Eunseok and Shotaro alone on the living room sofa in front of the TV, with a playlist of K-pop music videos on as music.
Eunseok himself isn't really sure how it'd happened, the whole thing between him and Shotaro. Shotaro had started it. Eunseok had been in one of his more expensive t-shirts, the plain black STUSSY one Sungchan had got him for his last birthday, paired with the same plain, comfortable jeans that he’d been wearing all day. Shotaro on the other hand had been wearing the same thing but better. Graphic tee, ripped jeans, accessorised. Rings all over his fingers and layered bracelets around his wrists, gems in his ears. His hair had been longer and blonde then, while Eunseok had been growing out the last of the dark brown from high school graduation.
They've always been that kind of different. Eunseok remembers that after they'd made it official he'd told Shohei about it, and Shohei had said surprised but inoffensively, “You don’t look like the type who would go for Shotaro's type. Or vice versa. But I'm happy for you, Eunseok, really.”
Anyways, Eunseok had been sitting there, drunk. He gets happier when he's drunk, and a lot less reserved or introverted or quiet, whatever his dad says about him, slash derogatory. And so when Shotaro had scooted up the sofa into his side and said, “Isn't it weird how this is the first time we've met when Sungchan is both of our best friends?” he'd been drunk enough to not immediately run for the hills at the sight of a well-dressed attractive guy who was way out of his league.
Eunseok remembers Shotaro being really cute. Really hot. He also remembers his hand on his knee, which had been cold because of the iced drink he'd been holding and all of his metal rings, but it’d sent warmth curling into the pit of his stomach. He remembers the body heat.
Eunseok, however, honest to god, does not remember what he said back to him. But what matters is that whatever Drunk!Eunseok said it must have been funny enough to charm scam Shotaro into texting him over Instagram to hang out the next day. Just the two of them, on Saturday night. No Sungchan, even though Shotaro had used their tall mutual friend as a convenient conversation opener, and even though Eunseok had fully considered asking Sungchan to come anyway as emotional support because Eunseok sucks at talking to people outside of trios.
But it’d only been late January, and Eunseok had foolishly made a new year’s resolution to put more effort into friendships, and high off Hey, Socialising Isn’t That Bad Socialising Is Fun Actually fumes from last night, he’d gone.
That resolution had inevitably gone to shit, though Eunseok argues that him going to Shotaro’s place that night had nothing to do with the resolution in the first place, because what had transpired there had been the furthest possible thing away from friendship.
Multiple choice question.
1. Osaki Shotaro is Song Eunseok’s ___?
① first kiss
② first handjob
③ first blowjob
④ first time
⑤ all of the above
The answer is ⑤, by the way.
Before he’d gotten an apartment, Shotaro’s fancy rich international student private accommodation room had been a deluxe studio, twice the size of Eunseok’s uni flat room, with a sofa, tv and a real proper kitchen, complete with an oven installed instead of just a sad little microwave. Between rounds two and three around 11pm at night he’d rolled off the bed and pulled on a tshirt and clean pair of boxer briefs, tight around his ass and very nice dancer's thighs, and started making pre-prepared okonomiyaki.
Eunseok in the meantime had been pantless underneath Shotaro’s warm blankets, feeling a bit as though he’d fallen into a weird parallel dimension. Not that his parents were or are ever going to find out, but Eunseok had imagined sticking it to them over dinner, like, I do have an active uni life, dad. I even hooked up with a guy less than 24 hours after we first spoke, mom. I am doing so unbelievably fine. Though in fairness he’d never imagined himself the type to, either. Hence why he’d said, very belatedly, “It’s my first time doing this,” startling Shotaro enough he’d dropped one of his chopsticks. “Um. Is that a problem?”
Shotaro had leaned over to pick the chopstick back up, more flustered than he had been during, you know, actual sex. “No. It’s not. First time hooking up with someone, or like.”
“First time for uh. Having sex.”
“Wow. Hey, I wasn’t your first kiss, right?”
“No,” Eunseok had lied so he wouldn’t look lame. Technically Shotaro wasn't his first kiss if he counted kindergarten shenanigans, or the one time he'd played the pocky game with Sungchan and a female classmate of theirs had pushed him, which Eunseok doesn’t, but. “Is that a… problem?”
“No it isn't,” Shotaro had said, voice pitching.
“Is it really?”
“We all have to start somewhere. I just. Erm. Give me a second.” And then he’d turned around for a bit to stare out of the sliver of window between his curtains.
Eunseok had remembered then, the cliché virgin falls in love with the first guy she fucks trope, and hurried to say, lest Shotaro kick him out, “It doesn’t have to mean anything. Uh. It’s not that deep?”
“No, I just,” Shotaro had said, turning back around and running a hand through his hair in mild panic. Eunseok had swallowed, nervous, but also a little bit turned on. “If I had known I would have taken you out for dinner first. I just- I’m sorry, Eunseok. I’m not a fuckboy, I swear. I just wanted you really bad, hah.”
“Oh.” Eunseok had said intelligently, not knowing what else he could say. “So, uh. Is this. Um.”
“If it was just a hookup I wouldn’t be making you food right now, Eunseok.” Shotaro had said, voice kind. “If that’s okay with you, of course.”
And Eunseok hadn’t wanted to look like a miserable needy loser desperate for love fun after an incredibly boring high school career of being single, so he’d replied, coolly, “It’s okay with me.” And then a few bites of okonomiyaki later Shotaro had him bent over the back of the sofa, and that was history.
They don’t date for very long, anyway. Eunseok’s once again emphasising that it really, really was not that serious. It lasts from the start of February until about the end of May, right before their exams and a month before the summer break that Eunseok had spent texting absolutely nobody. Barely three full months. One kids-sized nothingburger in the great marching passage of time. Not going to matter when he’s thirty. Not even twenty-five, if he gets his shit together.
But it’d been nice while it had lasted, truthfully.
Shotaro had been oddly supportive of his whole anime game nerd thing which could have maybe been because he’s Japanese, but Eunseok doesn’t want to generalise Shotaro like that. Eunseok’s favourite date spot of theirs had been the one and only gachapon in the entire city, a 50 minute bus ride away from campus and where either of them had been living at the time. Which had been fine, because Shotaro’s got actual gacha god blessings and is single-handedly responsible for the many plastic eggs and trinkets lining Eunseok’s room window, and also because the 50 minute bus ride back and forth meant that Eunseok got to be close to Shotaro without having to worry about Actively Doing Something, since the bus ride counted enough as Doing Something, especially if Shotaro brought one of his giant designer bags along so they could hold hands underneath without anyone giving them shit for it.
Shotaro, on the other hand, had taken it upon himself to broaden Eunseok’s horizons. First kiss, first time, first boyfriend, etcetera. He’d dragged him around the city to places that weren’t located on the straight line between city centre and faculty buildings, additions including Eunseok’s first European night market, first gay bar experience and first actual enjoyable clubbing experience, protectively hovering around him the whole time. Shotaro had a way of making Eunseok enjoy things he normally hated like that. Shotaro had made him happy. Essentially.
There were other things too, of course. Lots of things.
Post-breakup it'd been very easy to avoid Shotaro. The economics and computer science faculties are at different ends of campus, and besides Sungchan, they hadn’t operated within the same social circles. Once Shotaro had stopped going out of his way to look for Eunseok it’d been like Shotaro disappeared from his life entirely.
And now he’s back in it, except this time they're Just Friends. With benefits. Occasionally. Here's another question.
2. Which one of these things did Eunseok miss the most about Shotaro having a boyfriend?
① going new places
② the sex
③ having a default person for every inane thing ← this used to be Sungchan’s job actually, and then Eunseok had to painfully watch Sungchan start going to the gym and stop watching anime and turn into an international student stereotype normie
④ feeling somewhat important and wanted NO.
⑤ all of the above NO!
Point ⑤ is NO!!!
Point ③ is what eventually leads Eunseok back to Shotaro in the end.
It’d been mid November. It’d been freezing. Apparently going through the same thing last year hadn’t been enough for Eunseok to get used to it so Eunseok’s body clock had been all kinds of fucked up because the sun had started setting at 4pm which had made him want to go outside even less than usual so he’d been saying no to hanging out after class because it’d been fucking dark and it’s not like Sungchan had even really been asking anymore because Sungchan had gone off and gotten himself a first year boyfriend that he had gone public with immediately and they'd met at one of the KorSoc events at the beginning of the semester that Eunseok had skipped out on because he had been jetlagged and cranky and not in the mood for new people or being funny and it’s not like Seunghan had ever asked to hang out outside of the groupchat and Shohei had been busy with real actual work and maybe it had all been Eunseok’s fault because it wasn’t like he actually put any real effort into people and he hadn't been like this in high school he used to be normal and had real friends and didn't feel things like this and maybehe’dbeenlonely- Yeah.
It’d also been 2am at night. Eunseok, much to the detriment of himself, had forgotten one of the world's most important rules ever, the Super Sonic rule of never trust how you feel about your life after 9pm. Apologies to the great Super Sonic-sama.
And Eunseok had just finished making a gachapon bee figure instead of studying or sleeping, and he'd been very proud of it. Sleepy!Eunseok and Drunk!Eunseok are pretty similar, in the sense that once Eunseok gets to a certain point of sleep deprivation he starts losing all his self-preservation instincts. It'd made sense at the time. He associated gachapon with Shotaro. He wanted to show Shotaro his stupid fucking bee that was actually not stupid and very cool to him actually.
More normal people, Eunseok had thought to himself hysterically, send their ex dick pics. I send my ex bee pics.
If Eunseok scrolls up far enough in their iMessage chat history, he’ll see it, the stupid text he had sent Shotaro, after over five months of radio silence.
존경하는 은석사마
[img]
u likr jazz?
like*
将太郎
?
존경하는 은석사마
why are you awake
actually dont tell me
shooooootaro im bored,,
将太郎
are you drinking 🤨
존경하는 은석사마
no
将太郎
really…
…..?
존경하는 은석사마
could a drunk person make this
[img1]
im gonna name him song-bee
将太郎
www ur son is very cute
Two minute wait.
将太郎
do you by any chance 👉👈
have class tomorrow
존경하는 은석사마
no
,,
A very long five minute wait later.
将太郎
u know where i moved right
come over?
Eunseok had walked. Not Ubered. For your information. He hadn't even changed out of his sleeping clothes. Just pulled on his socks and shoes and trusty North Face jacket, and walked to Shotaro's place. Giddily. Like a fool in love except he hadn't been and isn't in love.
What Eunseok thinks caused his ridiculous Shotaro attachment is, unfortunately, is an exact mirror to the virgin attachment cliché that he'd been trying so hard to avoid. And it goes like, Shotaro had been the first and only person Eunseok had ever been intimate with, and it'd been Shotaro who was there for all those first time dopamine highs, right, hence, Eunseok's brain associates Shotaro with good feelings. And also having sex spikes dopamine and now that they're talking again Eunseok is having sex with Shotaro regularly so what Eunseok is saying here is that he's classically conditioned, Pavlov'd, dog trained, himself into wanting to be around Shotaro all the time.
Shotaro might be his first everything but he is not his first love. Eunseok isn't old enough or experienced enough to even know what Love is yet and he's pretty sure everyone his age who goes around saying they do is lying right through their teeth.
Eunseok is also no stranger to lying through his teeth. For example when he'd shown up at Shotaro's door and Shotaro, hair now a shade of dark grey only he could pull off and look hip instead of like a grandpa in, had asked him if he'd seen anybody since they broke up, and Eunseok had said yes because he knew Shotaro had most definitely found other people while he'd been temporarily ridded of Eunseok. He'd seen the Instagram stories over summer break, and after. Lots of clubs and parties and dancing and travelling and lots of very pretty people that had been nothing like Eunseok hanging around him.
“Really?” Shotaro had asked, whispered against the column of his throat, keeping him pinned against the bed. Shotaro never tried to be the stereotypical sexy in bed, no low voices. He was always a bit more playful, a bit more foxy, teasing. “Were they as good to you as I was?”
Eunseok had been shaking all over. He'd missed it terribly, being touched. Before Shotaro he'd been fine with his right hand and then he'd learnt how it felt to have someone else and then he'd learnt how to miss it too. “Maybe,” he'd said, hoping he sounded mischievous, matching Shotaro, and not unsure.
“How many?” Shotaro had pressed, hands going lower, tugging his plaid pyjama trousers alongside his boxers down to his knees. “While I was gone?”
“A few,” Eunseok had lied, watching Shotaro's face. He'd looked a bit mad. And like Eunseok had said earlier, Shotaro was hot mad. He hadn't known what he'd been mad about, but he wanted to keep pushing his buttons.
“A few.” Shotaro had echoed, squinting at him. “I'm going to try something. Tell me if you don't like it, and I'll stop.” And then he'd put his hand around his throat, squeezing gently with his thumb, middle and ring fingers, looking at Eunseok's face so intently it had made him want to- not cry, because Eunseok doesn’t cry. Something worse. Like throw up or something. “Is this okay?”
Eunseok had nodded.
“Words.”
“Yes.”
“Kick me, push me off, whatever, if it gets too much. If anything gets too much, not just the choking,” Shotaro had told him, and then increased the pressure until Eunseok could feel his own pulse against Shotaro's fingers, head growing fuzzy and dick getting harder in the cold air of Shotaro's bedroom. Shotaro's other hand wraps around it, stroking the exact way Eunseok likes, in the way Shotaro taught him how to like.
“You like this?” Shotaro had laughed, Eunseok's toes curling in shame even though logically he'd known Shotaro couldn't have possibly been ridiculing him when he'd started it. “Should've been doing this so much earlier.”
Earlier — meaning when they'd still been together. Shotaro hadn't ever been this mean when they’d still been together. He'd been a very sweet boyfriend with Eunseok, especially his first time, holding his hands while he'd rocked into him from behind, whispering praises and telling him he'd been doing well. Not this. Eunseok hadn't even known he'd be into this, but maybe that's another Shotaro-dopamine complex thing.
Eunseok had whimpered when Shotaro had palmed over the sensitive head of his cock, hand coming away with a trail of precome. “You’re so wet,” Shotaro had pointed out, holding his hand up to Eunseok's face mockingly, “Who showed you how to like this?” he'd asked, the almost natural uptilt to his mouth dropping ever so slightly.
No one, Eunseok had wanted to admit. Instead his tongue had poked out, feeling too large for his mouth, gasping for air. Though really he'd been asking for a kiss. It'd been A Thing, back then. In the earlier stages when he'd still been too embarrassed to ask outright for one Shotaro would have noticed him biting or licking his lips and known exactly what he wanted, and given it to him.
And Shotaro had noticed, because of course he had. His fingers had loosened around Eunseok's neck, just enough for him to catch his breath while maintaining a titillating force.
But he hadn’t kissed him.
“Are you gonna come?” Shotaro had asked, hand back on his dick, fist moving faster. “Like this?”
Eunseok had nodded desperately, tears pricking in the corners of his eyes. Please, he'd tried to say, ending up making a sad wheezing noise that Shotaro had smiled at meanly.
“Go on. Come.”
Eunseok comes with Shotaro's hand still around his throat. Moments later he'd found himself on his knees with Shotaro's cock in his mouth, thinking thank you thank you thank you.
The breakup hadn't been a bad one. Eunseok also feels like he's not allowed to call it a bad breakup because he'd been the initiating party, but it really hadn't been that bad. In the sense that the breakup had been in person, and that no one had cried or screamed or thrown something, and the friend groups had stayed intact, so. Good breakup, even.
So Eunseok had just been saving Shotaro's time, nipping it early in the bud. He has no idea how he even managed to pull Mega Shotaro EX in the first place, but after a too-long stint as his boyfriend, he'd figured that he'd monopolised Shotaro long enough and that it had been about time to release the fish back into the sea.
It goes like this.
Shotaro had been over in Eunseok’s flat, lying on his bed and scrolling through his phone while Eunseok simultaneously worked on code and played Honkai on auto. Every now and then Shotaro would giggle at something he’d seen or something a friend had sent him, little fake keyboard clicking sounds filling the silence.
On his smaller monitor, Acheron wiped out an entire wave of automatons with a single ult, and the combat round had ended. Eunseok too, had promptly given up on his assignments, and climbed into bed, Shotaro welcoming him with open arms, smelling of his then favourite cologne, like the sea if the sea was citrusy.
“What were you laughing at?” Eunseok had asked, eyes closed, ready to take a nap.
“Yudai’s telling me about what happened last night,” Shotaro had told him, hand wrapping around his head, stroking his hair.
“What happened?”
“Ah, context from Paris needed. So much context.”
Last night had referred to the big pre-exam event everyone in school had been talking about going to, and Paris had referred to the Paris trip Shotaro’s pretty people friend group had gone on over Easter break. Eunseok had naturally assumed Shotaro would be going, the way Shotaro had kept going on about it, yadda yadda Tora bought a new suitcase, Yoshi's stressing about the Airbnb, except when the day had rolled around Shotaro had asked Eunseok to come over and surprised him with a late birthday cake that he had made, and then they’d spent the day marathoning Doraemon movies with the subtitles off and hadn’t even fucked once. Not for the first time Eunseok had wondered if he had been holding Shotaro back, somehow. Like. More examples.
3. Which one of these is a negative effect of being Song Eunseok’s boyfriend?
① Shotaro missing out on going out with his gorgeous friend group of gorgeous people because he had to stay home and watch Eunseok like he was more of a pet than a boyfriend
② Shotaro not having a cool boyfriend to show off because Eunseok isn't really out yet
③ Shotaro having to loan Eunseok his clothes every time he wanted to go for a couple look
④ Shotaro getting bored of him, probably
⑤ all of the above
⑤? ⑤ seemed about right, Eunseok had thought, and then fallen asleep.
The actual breakup had been a few hours later, when the sun had long set in the sky.
Eunseok had woken up alone on his bed, but Shotaro had been nearby, perched in his desk chair with one leg up. Eunseok had taken a good long stare at him, at the natural curl to his lashes and his slightly upturned nose that made him look like a fairy, his small perfect mouth, and miserably wondered what the hell he was doing keeping Osaki Shotaro holed up in his room on a Saturday night.
“What do you want for dinner?” Shotaro had asked, the same time Eunseok had opened his mouth and said, “I think we should break up.”
Shotaro had laughed, first. See. That’s how good a breakup it’d been.
Then, “You’re being serious?”
Eunseok had nodded, oddly calm about the whole thing. It’d been a long time coming.
“What. Why. Huh?” Shotaro had sputtered, “Did I do something?”
“No,” Eunseok had said, feeling offended Shotaro would even suggest it. Neither of them had done anything, really, “I just don’t think this is working.”
Shotaro had gotten out of the chair to kneel at the side of Eunseok’s bed, so they’d been at eye level. Shotaro liked eye contact a lot. When they’d kissed, or when they'd fucked, or done anything really, Shotaro liked looking at him. It'd flustered him every single time. Eunseok knows he's good looking, his mom had gotten DMs over Facebook when he'd been in high school back in Korea, but surely not like that. Model-handsome and idol-handsome is different from being. Whatever the way Shotaro looked at him-handsome. There's a word starting with L that Eunseok doesn’t want to use here because it's 1) incorrect 2) straight up fucking delusional.
“Eunseokie,” Shotaro had said, painfully kind, gently tapping the bottom of Eunseok’s chin and making him face him, “What's not working? Let's try to fix it together, come on.”
“There's,” Eunseok hadn't known where to start. He'd really wanted to pull the covers up and hide but he obviously couldn't do that do that. “I-We haven’t had sex in a while.”
Shotaro had relaxed, uneasily starting to smile again, “Is that it? You could have said sooner-”
“And,” Eunseok had tried again. “It wasn't that serious right?” You’ve probably grown bored of me already, so I’m doing you a favour.
“It wasn't that serious?” Shotaro had parroted bitterly, brow furrowing. “Sungchan did tell me you were painfully straightforward but I didn’t know it was like that.”
But the relationship obviously hadn’t been serious. They'd been twenty and twenty-one and Korean and Japanese respectively and most men meet the person they marry at age 28 when they’re well out of foreign university towns that are 17 hours away from home by plane. They met at a drunken Seollal party, for fucks sake. Neither of them is introducing each other to their parents like that. Or at all. Eunseok's having a staring contest with the big rainbow elephant in the room.
“Yeah.” Eunseok had said, not knowing what to make of Shotaro’s reaction. What did he have to be angry about? “I think we’re better off not together.”
And Eunseok had been right, because now that they’re Just Friends and Shotaro has no obligation to be nice to him all the time, the sex has only gotten freakier, which just means Shotaro had been holding back the entire time they’d been together because Eunseok had been a boring vanilla loser nerd weeb virgin. Plus it’s not like Shotaro isn’t nice to him. He’s plenty nice to him under normal non-sex circumstances and everything is good and the system works well and all is fine.
Of course Eunseok is the one who fucks up first, accidentally cluing Sungchan in on the whole arrangement. The one time he’s not bothered to clean his room up is the one time Sungchan pops in uninvited and the one time Shotaro had left one of his many layers behind, a blazer too patterned and brightly coloured to realistically belong to Eunseok.
“Thought it didn’t work out,” Sungchan says, poking at the checkered collar.
“It didn’t.” Eunseok mumbles, with no other explanation. He lets Sungchan stitch the pieces together himself, watching a familiar look of exasperated disappointment take over his best friend’s face.
“Eunseok.” Sungchan starts.
“Don’t. Just. Do not.”
“Okay.” Sungchan says. Then he does anyway. Eunseok knows Sungchan does it because he cares, but it makes him want to throw a pillow at him anyway when he asks, “Are you happy?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Eunseok asks. Genuine question. He’s a lot better off than he had been in November, at least. He used to think seasonal depression was made up, until it’d kicked his ass two years in a row. This seasonal depression thing has hands.
“If he makes you cry let me know, right?” Sungchan jokes. “I don’t go to the gym for nothing.”
Eunseok chooses not to make a comment about how Shotaro’s buffer than Sungchan is and how Sungchan should know this without having to see Shotaro with his clothes off. And now Eunseok is thinking about Shotaro with his clothes off. Instead he says, “Stop projecting, man. I’m not a crybaby like you.”
Which is true. Eunseok isn’t the crying type. His eyes sting at sad movies and stuff, of course, because he does have feelings and human empathy even if Sungchan had gone through high school ribbing him for being an unfeeling stone man, slash questionable admiration. Eunseok hadn’t cried on his first day of kindergarten like all the other kids, he hadn’t cried when his parents had first dropped him off at the airport, and he hadn’t cried when he’d broken up with Shotaro last semester. Wow. That had felt like a whole year ago. Time isn't real. If anything he’s happier in their current situation. He tells Sungchan so.
“It’s just easy,” Eunseok explains. “You know. Since he already knows me well.”
“And accepts you for all the weeb shit.”
Eunseok throws the pillow this time. “I’m fine, Sungchan. You don’t have to worry about me. Really.”
If there’s a friend Sungchan should be worrying about in this equation it’s Shotaro, really. It’s like. Right. Friends with benefits works, because Eunseok now no longer feels all that crushing guilt of keeping Shotaro away from all kinds of Better Things by keeping him tied down because of some kind of sense of Good Boyfriend Responsibility or Duty or Honour or whatever it was that Shotaro had felt when they’d been together and now no longer feels. Shotaro goes out more with his pretty friends now, and Eunseok stays at home, with his games, alone, like it should be. This is what Eunseok had hoped to achieve. But Eunseok isn’t as good a person he’d thought he was because now that he doesn’t have invisible claim on Shotaro anymore all he’s gotten is more selfish. Something something you don’t know what you have until you lose it and then after you lose it you want it back a lot. If Eunseok hadn’t had Shotaro at some point he wouldn’t have wanted Shotaro afterwards.
Easier way to explain it is, like. One of their ground rules is no kissing. Which would probably have been fine, if Eunseok had never been kissed by Shotaro before, or known what kissing Shotaro was like. But he does. And now Shotaro won’t kiss him anymore. So that sucks. But Eunseok supposes it’s not like they’re dating, so he’ll take what he gets except he wants and wants and wants and he’s not supposed to because he needs to get it into his head that he’s lucky Shotaro has even given him a second chance when Shotaro probably has people lined up at the door for him. But it’s fine. Whatever. Could be worse. He’s talked too much now, so he’s going to reframe it.
What he has with Shotaro is a mutually beneficial friends with benefits relationship.
There. No more no less.
Eunseok is happy.
So it turns out that Eunseok’s whole big rant about not being a crybaby ends up going straight to shit just like last new year's resolution, because when Eunseok walks out of Shotaro’s apartment bathroom, legs still a bit shaky after Shotaro’s just wrung out two consecutive orgasms from him, he accidentally sees the guy scrolling through Hinge, which makes him duck straight back into the bathroom, locking the door and leaning against it while his eyes water and his nose itches. It takes him two minutes to compose himself and open the door again.
Eunseok’s not sure why he’s using the word ‘accidentally’ here. Accidentally would imply by mistake, either Shotaro’s mistake for even having Hinge, or for having it open where Eunseok would see, neither of which are even mistakes because they’re not dating and just friends and this thing isn’t exclusive even though for Eunseok it is and he had known he had an unreasonable attachment to Shotaro but hadn’t realised just how much he wanted Shotaro all to himself until this very moment.
“I’m going.” Eunseok says, grabbing his jacket off the floor and fumbling with the zipper on the way out.
“So soon?” Shotaro asks. “Your hair’s still wet. You’ll get sick in the cold like that.”
It takes a lot out of Eunseok to not turn around. If he does he’ll start crying for real and then Shotaro would probably kick him out so he’s going to have to kick himself out first so he can come back next time or at least so he can keep coming back until Shotaro finds someone else who’s better who’s more like him who isn’t Eunseok.
“Yeah. Got a test to cram for,” he lies, praying to any god who’s out there listening that his voice doesn’t shake. Shotaro knows him too well. He’d be able to tell immediately and then it would all come crashing down horribly.
“Shaaa-me,” Shotaro says behind him, drawn out and casual and so unlike what Eunseok is feeling. “I made extra ramen while you were in the shower.”
Eunseok can’t fucking breathe. He needs to get out right now. He needs to get out two hours ago yesterday last month he should have gotten out last year before he even met Shotaro he shouldn’t even have been born.
He’s out of the door without even saying goodbye, and then he takes off running back home, lights blurring all around him.
4. Which one of these ends up happening to Song Eunseok in the following days?
① he gets sick and wants to die
② he spots Shotaro in the background of one of Aeri’s clubbing stories looking beautiful and wants to die
③ he falls for the trap of calling his mother for comfort but since he can’t actually tell her about anything that actually happened to him all it results in his her getting on his case about making more friends and working harder and how he's fortunate to even be studying overseas so it makes him feel worse and want to die
④ he figures he’s probably in love with Shotaro and it makes him want to die even more
⑤ all of the above
You know the drill by now. ⑤, of course.
The next time they hook up it’s the first day of winter break.
“Do you ever think about other people when you’re fucking me?” Eunseok asks out of nowhere. He hadn’t meant to. It’d just come spilling out his mouth as an unfortunate side effect of the terrible, emotional week he just had. Eunseok had experienced more of the human emotion spectrum in the past five days than he had through all five years of high school.
Shotaro's face does a weird thing on top of him, pausing in the process of grabbing a condom. Blinking slowly then quickly, mouth dropping opening then snapping shut and then opening again as he sputters, “Eunseok, what the fuck.”
“Forget I asked,” Eunseok falters. “I didn't mean to.”
“You didn't mean to- Jesus Christ,” Shotaro mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Song Eunseok, do you imagine I'm someone else when I'm fucking you?”
Eunseok's not sure if the better answer here is yes or no. He hesitates too long, because Shotaro looks actually angry now, not like the few times he's looked annoyed and Eunseok has mistaken it for actual rage. Shotaro sits back, away from Eunseok, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes for a bit, each exhale louder than it should be.
“We can keep going,” Eunseok had said, desperately trying to remedy the situation.
“Okay.” Shotaro had said, eyes still closed and not coming closer. “Okay. Sure. Fine. Whatever you want, Eunseok.”
I want you, Eunseok thinks, and blessedly the thought actually stays in his mouth this time. He rolls onto his front, getting onto his elbows. That’s one of their newer things too. Shotaro won’t kiss him, and he won’t properly look at him the way he used to either, so, like. Eunseok’s question really hadn’t been that unwarranted, he thinks. Except this time it’s different, or rather this time it’s back to normal? Eunseok doesn’t know what he should make of Shotaro grabbing him by the hips and manhandling him back onto his back, and oh-
Shotaro kisses him for the first time in almost half a year, half a lifetime. Their bodies are pressed close to each other, chest to chest, close enough Shotaro can definitely feel Eunseok’s heart beating, hammering against his ribcage and trying to jump out of his throat to get itself into Shotaro’s hands.
Eunseok doesn’t know what to do. He’s not sure if he’s allowed to touch Shotaro the way he used to, hold onto his shoulders and go over the constellation of moles at his nape. Shotaro answers for him, grabbing his hands and putting them onto himself forcefully, and Eunseok savours the opportunity gratefully, hands roaming all over Shotaro’s body and abs and arms and then his face, pulling him closer, wanting Shotaro to kiss him deeper, not wanting him to leave.
Shotaro, however, is human, so he does have to pull away eventually, leaving a trail of spit between them. He’s making a face that Eunseok hates, eyes watery, glaring at him all accusatory. His anger’s faded into something more like agitation, and maybe there’s a trace of something like hurt in there.
“You’re so cruel to me, Song Eunseok,” Shotaro sighs, and Eunseok barely gets to wrap his head around the words before Shotaro’s leaning in again, kissing the corner of his mouth in a way that’s almost loving affectionate. “Who are you thinking of right now, hm?”
“You,” Eunseok says, before he can keep it in.
“Really?” Shotaro asks, thumb and index finger playing with the sleeper in Eunseok’s ear. “Who were you trying to impress when you got this? Who out of the few? Tell me about them.”
“I didn’t-” Eunseok gasps for air. He’s telling the truth for once. The piercings had been because Eunseok had gone as emotional support for Sungchan, who had been the one who was trying to impress someone, the younger boyfriend. Nothing to do with new romantic pursuits, because well, they didn’t fucking exist because who would actually believe that Song Eunseok of all people is going around doing multiple casual dates or hook ups?
For all of Eunseok’s wanting he sure has no fucking idea to do when he does actually have Shotaro in front of him, to touch, to taste. Shotaro pushes his legs open and settles between them, and Eunseok thinks he might cry, nose getting annoyingly itchy again. Shotaro reads him easily, of course, taking hold of his wrists before Eunseok can cover his face, getting all up close to him, forehead to forehead. His voice shakes when he asks, “Hey, hey, Eunseok, why are you crying too?”
Shotaro kisses him again, softly, and Eunseok feels like he’s drowning. Vaguely he registers the fact that they’ve both gone soft, and that this isn’t really sex anymore, and Eunseok doesn’t fucking know what to do about that. Their whole current arrangement is about the sex so if they’re not doing that anymore then why is he even here and why is Shotaro even letting him be here. Though Shotaro’s always been kind, good-natured. Unselfish in a way that made everyone fall in love him, in a way Eunseok could never hope to be even if he tried his best to fake it.
Shotaro’s thumbs swipe under his eyes and come away damp. “I really don’t understand you at all, Eunseok-”
Eunseok can’t even talk anymore. Everything he tries to say just gets trapped in his throat, sniffing pathetically, arms trapped in Shotaro’s hold. He hooks his foot behind Shotaro’s knee, locking them together, his best attempt at evening the playing field.
“You- were the one who broke my heart first-” Shotaro hiccups, rueful, “but then- you keep acting like I was the one who did it to you- and now we’re both here crying like idiots, isn’t this all so ridiculous, fuck.”
Shotaro’s not making any sense. Unless he’s just using literary language, being dramatic, then it makes slightly more sense. Whatever they’d had wasn’t supposed to have love heart involved in it. Eunseok would gladly hand his own heart to Shotaro to shatter, but the reverse is. It’s unimaginable.
“Eunseok-” there’s real tears falling from Shotaro’s eyes now, and Eunseok hates it, knowing that somehow he’s the reason for them, “I don’t know what this is to you. I can’t do this anymore-”
And there it is. Eunseok’s lost the privilege to keep coming back.
“Do you even know- how hard it is to have you around and not love you?”
Eunseok freezes.
Shotaro catches it, of course. And then he starts laughing, letting go of Eunseok’s wrists while Eunseok stays completely still out of fear that he’s just somehow walked into an illusion that he desperately doesn’t want to break.
“Why.” Eunseok manages to squeeze out, while Shotaro laces their hands together, rolling off Eunseok to collapse next to him in bed. It’s an awkward uncomfortable position, the way their hands are positioned, but the both of them refuse to let go even slightly.
“I think I’ve understood something,” Shotaro says, finally.
When Eunseok wakes up it’s dark outside Shotaro’s curtains.
They aren’t holding hands anymore, but it’s alright because they’re tucked into blankets that smell like Shotaro and Shotaro’s arm is underneath Eunseok’s pillow and his other hand is warm on Eunseok’s hip keeping him close.
“It’s Christmas in a week,” Shotaro says quietly. “we’re going to take that 50 minute bus ride together, and then we’re going to try our best to get matching keychains from the gachapon. And then I’m going to take you to dinner, properly. If it’s fine with you.”
Eunseok’s eyes had still been swollen from earlier, but that didn’t stop his tear ducts from itching again. He didn’t even know he had the capacity to cry this much, to be honest, and briefly wonders if today is his body forcing him to make up for the past twenty years of his life. “It is.”
“And I’m going to keep saying this, but I want you to listen anyway,” Shotaro continues, pulling Eunseok even closer, hugging him so tight Eunseok’s a bit scared everything he’s ever thought about Shotaro and them and the past year of his life is going to come spilling out of his guts and onto Shotaro’s sheets in one big mess. “I love you, Song Eunseok. It was serious to me the first time. It’s serious this time too, okay?”
“Okay,” Eunseok tells him.
A throwback to the start, now.
5. Osaki Shotaro is Song Eunseok’s first love.
Maybe. They’ve got time to figure it out.