Chapter Text
When Ricky first got accepted into Yuehua as a trainee, he'd already anticipated the dream he came to cultivate wouldn't be without sacrifice. If it wasn't warnings of love from his family, it'd been from carefully watching the idol industry from the corner of his eye over the last few years. He understood just how much harder he'd need to try just to get his foot through the front door. Despite how many obstacles he knew he’d face, he never wavered in his choice to leave home to become another one of thousands chasing their dream.
There are barely a few other trainees when he enters, and he had been so headstrong at the time he isn’t sure if he remembers most of their names. A lot of people came and went, until some of them stayed and faces got easier to remember. One by one he learns their name and realizes there are other people like him, foreigners who left home to follow their dreams.
Though, he keeps to himself mostly. There are small places where could fit in if he tried, but he used his energy to focus on training instead.
In the heart of spring, Gyuvin arrives and seems to shift the entire dynamic of his life until that point.
When Ricky meets Gyuvin he doesn’t think they're going to be friends.
Gyuvin speaks fast and moves faster. He's always fidgeting and smiling and laughing around everyone else, it's a little intimidating. He has the kind of vitality that only comes with youth, something Ricky hasn't seen in his peers for a while. He surely didn't expect a trainee to be as boisterous as Gyuvin had been after their first introduction. Everyone else up to that point had seemed focused and intense.
Though, what caught his eye at first was just how tall Gyuvin was. His legs must have made up eight-percent of his body, the kind of proportions that secure you a modeling career.
He couldn’t help but feel awkward around him for a few weeks at first.
Ricky will never forget the first conversation they ever had. Gyuvin was somewhere behind him in the practice room watching him dance. As he finished the routine, Gyuvin said something too fast and Ricky didn't have enough time to translate it. Instead, he repeats the simple greeting he'd become accustomed to. Gyuvin says something about headphones and Ricky doesn’t think he wants to understand. Yet, he nods as it starts to make sense.
All Gyuvin does is stare at his eyes like there’s something hidden behind them. He stares at him like no one else is watching. Sometimes, it feels like they’re the only ones in the practice room and Ricky finds he loses his coherence. Ricky mostly keeps to himself mostly after that. He doesn’t know if Gyuvin’s weird behavior is indicative of his own personality, or rather some weird quirk Gyuvin has.
The first time Ricky realizes they’re starting to become friends is after he orders a pizza for himself after practice.
Gyuvin’s staring at him like he always is, and Ricky decides to ask him why. He’s always kept to himself but the way Gyuvin stares at him is sort of irritating. At first he didn’t care either way but the longer it went on the more Ricky noticed it.
“Do you need something?” He asks.
Gyuvin shakes his head, seemingly confused. They’re packing up and Gyuvin’s way too close. “Uh, no.”
“You’re staring at me.” Ricky slings his bag over his shoulder.
“I was just curious what you got, I saw you ordering on your phone.” Gyuvin pats over his own stomach. “I’m starving.”
Ricky raises an eyebrow. Gyuvin’s tone insists he’s being friendly and it’s obvious he’s trying to make conversation but he still can’t get over all the way Gyuvin seems to watch him sometimes.
“I got pizza.” He says simply.
Gyuvin lights up a bit, sheepishly smiling. “I love pizza. What kind?”
“Hawaiian.” Ricky says.
Gyuvin’s expression shifts to disgust. “Hawaiian? Are you joking?”
He realizes they’ve started walking down the halls and Gyuvin’s still by his side. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Like, everything. It’s the worst pizza combo ever invented.”
Ricky rolls his eyes, hearing opinions like these from people before. “What do you like, then?”
Gyuvin smiles again. “I’m a casual pepperoni kinda guy.”
Ricky nods, silent as he’s unsure how to continue the conversation.
Gyuvin doesn’t seem to accept that though, nudging his shoulder. “You like pineapple on pizza? Really?”
He actually chuckles, finding the actual surprise in his voice a little endearing. “It’s not that bad.”
Gyuvin shakes his head as they walk out of the company building, met with the late afternoon sky. “It is that bad. I’d only eat that if I was dying of starvation.” At the comment, Gyuvin’s stomach grumbles once more.
“Looks like you’ll have to.” Ricky says.
He doesn’t know what he’s offering or if he’s even implying anything, but when Gyuvin seems to perk up like he just invited him out to a five-star restaurant Ricky can’t help himself from smiling. He realizes Gyuvin’s been offering his friendship silently for the last few weeks. He wonders if Gyuvin is somehow shyer than him and doesn’t know how to make friends. Ricky isn’t the poster child for perfect social skills by any means, but he supposes every now and then friendship can’t take anything away from his trainee life.
He decides that being friends with Gyuvin might be something good. He hopes so, at least.
“I’m only gonna eat the crust, and pineapple juice better not be on it.” Gyuvin nudges his shoulder again and Ricky’s smiling as they walk down the street.
There’s a fifteen minute break between dance lessons and Gyuvin’s taking a knee to tie his shoe. Ricky’s thirsty and rests against the wall, gesturing down to Gyuvin.
“Qubing, can you pass me my water?”
Gyuvin looks up with a shit-eating grin. “What’d you say?”
“Can you pass me my water..?” Ricky asks again, a little slower.
Gyuvin shakes his head and stands up, grabbing Ricky’s water bottle but holding onto it tight. “No, you said my name.”
Ricky blinks a few times. “Qubing.”
Gyuvin’s smile grows wider. “Gyuvin.”
“That’s what I said?”
Gyuvin actually giggles and Ricky’s a little embarrassed. He can feel the tips of his ears heating up and Gyuvin playfully shoves his shoulder.
“Ah, Ricky you are so cute.” Gyuvin hands him his water bottle without saying anything else. The compliment goes straight to his cheeks and Ricky tries to play it off as exhaustion from dancing.
That night, he can’t stop replaying their conversation in his head.
The more they start to practice together and hang out, Gyuvin slowly wedges his way into every facet of his life. One time after a particularly grueling dance class, Gyuvin slings an arm around him and drags him into a tight side hug. He's grinning wide, like he'd just won the lottery and Ricky is his golden ticket. The cynical side of him wonders if Gyuvin's making fun of him sometimes but the rational side knows Gyuvin’s like that with all his friends. He’s come to find out he has many which makes his behavior when they first met even weirder, but he doesn’t think about it much anymore.
The closer they got, the more Ricky notices about Gyuvin. He's always smiling and the other trainees are looking at them like Gyuvin's trying to impress somebody. They don't know a lot about each other yet, but Gyuvin doesn't seem to care. He parades him around like they've been friends for decades. Back then, he didn't realize someone could be so kind without expectation. Meanwhile, Gyuvin seemed to move through life without having any expectations at all. Something about Gyuvin felt like memories of home.
What resonates and stays with Ricky more than anything is his attitude. He has a sort of realistic optimism that intrigues Ricky the more he gets to know him. He’s honest and blunt, but charismatic and funny. He doesn’t take himself too seriously but has the kind of passion that inspires Ricky to try harder. He should be an enigma, but Gyuvin’s too open and honest for that. He wears his heart on his sleeve and doesn’t waver when shaken. When he falls, he jumps back up and tries even harder.
He starts to wonder how someone could be born like that.
Eventually, Ricky comes out of his shell. Whether it’s on his own or perhaps Gyuvin ripped him out of it doesn’t really matter. He gets pulled into a large friend group of trainees and adapts to the everchanging day-to-day lifestyle. It could never compare to home, but he found himself allowing space in his heart for the friends he'd made. The relationships feel just as special, anyway.
As the days pass and seasons change he doesn’t feel as homesick anymore.
However, the feeling never truly goes away.
He misses his parents and his sister and his family and if he could he’d book a plane ticket to see them as fast as possible. Yet, it’s not realistic and he knows he can’t leave.
He’s moping a lot today, staying to himself and only speaking when spoken to. Vocal lessons are always the easiest and feel like second nature to him, so it’s nice to relax when his mind keeps racing.
If Gyuvin’s staring at him, Ricky ignores it. He has too many thoughts to care about how weird he’s being.
After practice, Ricky’s hiding by himself near a vending machine and scrolling through his iPad. He’s looking through all the pictures he has from his childhood, all the memories he’s saved over the last sixteen-or-so years. He runs his hand over the screen, wishing he could reach out and hug them all one by one.
He says something to himself in Chinese, a silent promise to see his family again soon and to make their sacrifices worth it.
“Wait, are you Chinese?” Gyuvin’s voice startles him out of his thoughts and makes him jump back.
Ricky shoves his iPad deep into his bag, trying to keep his cool despite light embarrassment from being watched. A light pink coats his cheeks as his face heats up. “Yes!”
Gyuvin grins, scratching the back of his head like he’s the one who’s embarrassed. He learns against the vending machine, watching Ricky closely. “I guess that makes sense.”
“What does that mean?” Ricky runs a hand through his hair and lets out the breath he’d been holding.
“I thought you were American!” Gyuvin says, astonished.
Ricky clears his throat. “I did live in Los Angeles.”
Gyuvin seems to love that even more. “Ricky, I didn’t know you were so famous worldwide.”
Ricky chuckles, still feeling a little awkward. “I’m humble.”
“I went to an international kindergarten,” Gyuvin says. “That's why I’m so good at English, by the way.”
Ricky nods, unable to fight a smirk. “Of course.”
They walk back to the dorm together and though not a lot is said, Ricky feels lighter.
They start sneaking out a lot more often after that.
They can’t stop arguing over whose idea it was at first, but Ricky always makes fun of him when Gyuvin’s the one pulling him out of the dorms.
He learns about Gyuvin’s family. Gyuvin has three younger siblings and loves them more than himself. He’s surprised he never noticed, but once he does, it seems all Gyuvin talks about is his family. It makes him miss his own sometimes.
He learns that Gyuvin’s still in high school and still finds the time to balance studies and training. He gains a lot more respect for him. He wonders how Gyuvin’s so positive and kind, despite the pressures constantly pushing him down. He starts to wonder if Gyuvin doesn’t feel those sadder emotions, or rather if he just never shows them. He decides he wants to become someone who knows these things about Gyuvin.
Eventually, Ricky finds out where Gyuvin goes to school and waits outside for him. He looks a little stupid and out of place, concerned this might be a little too forward in expressing their friendship.
However, Ricky will never forget seeing Gyuvin’s face that day. All the worries that echoed around his head instantly disappeared when Gyuvin locked eyes with him. His face lit up, beaming like it’s Christmas Day and Ricky is the biggest present.
“Ricky Shen!” Gyuvin shouts above everyone else, pointing at him from across the crowd.
Ricky's face flushes from the attention, glancing around and trying to ignore it. Gyuvin waves a quick bye to his friends as he practically sprints over to him.
“What are you doing here?” Gyuvin’s pulling on the straps of his backpack, moving back and forth. He’s never able to hide his excitement. Ricky thinks it’s cute.
“Walking you to practice?” Ricky smiles softly.
He didn’t think it was possible, but Gyuvin smiles wider. He throws an arm around Ricky and pulls him close as they start to walk together.
He starts telling him about his day and everything he has to do for homework and how boring the whole thing is. Ricky listens silently, nodding and humming every few minutes. As they continue to walk together, Gyuvin never moves his arm. The touch leaves Ricky warm.
Ricky and Gyuvin end up so close that it feels like second nature to spend time together.
After practice, Gyuvin always made an effort to pull Ricky along to the convenience store. It was a twenty-or-so minute walk and all the other trainees were always exhausted by then. Spending time with Gyuvin was his only outlet for the stresses of trainee life and Ricky didn't mind sneaking some more late-night treats. Eventually, Ricky was the one pulling Gyuvin along with him, instead of the other way around. Gyuvin never said no despite how much he’d complain sometimes.
"Rick. Bad news." Gyuvin slumps against the coolers, sliding up next to Ricky.
"Mm?" Ricky ignores his presence as he’s looking down at a few packages of assorted gummies.
"They're all out of strawberry dango." Gyuvin says it like the words themselves might kill Ricky. He’s actually pouting.
Ricky turns to him, handing him a package of gummy mangoes. "And you didn't ask them if they had any more in the back?"
Gyuvin takes the pack of gummies and perks up immediately. "Oh, yeah. Be right back."
Ricky smirks, shaking his head as he continues to search for something else to take back to the dorm.
The little gestures that should be played off as jokes leave him floored everytime.
The closer they get, the more Ricky feels comfortable being himself. Gyuvin’s been teaching him Korean during their time off, expanding the vocabulary Ricky can use to tease him. It’s something Ricky’s realized he loves doing.
Ricky will constantly tease him and Gyuvin will always match it. Yet, sometimes, Gyuvin would take what Ricky said seriously and go through with whatever the stupid idea was. Ricky thought that might have been Gyuvin pushing the joke further, showing how he didn't care what Ricky might say or tell him to do. The message was clear: he’d do it, even if he tried fighting him on it.
Regardless, he didn't take it for granted. He picks out more things he knows Gyuvin likes, carrying them with him to the register. He didn't choose anything more for himself, deciding he'll force Gyuvin to share.
Gyuvin slides up next to him with a container of strawberry dango with a proud smirk. "For you, honey."
Ricky shoves the items forward, allowing the cashier to ring them out. "Thank you, dear."
Sometimes, Gyuvin uses funny nicknames that are definitely a joke. He's sure of it, because he asked other trainees and they told him to never take it seriously. Yet, Ricky finds himself enjoying the nicknames Gyuvin doesn't seem to use with anyone else. After learning they're only used in relationships, Ricky understood why. He decides it's not worth the effort of asking Gyuvin why he calls him honey and baby. It's just a joke, so he doesn't want to rock the boat and instead decides to return his assumed teasing. He isn’t sure he’s mature enough to unpack all those feelings yet.
If he's being honest with himself, he likes it. He didn't expect to be unpopular, but he didn't anticipate making such a close friend, either. He'd been there to follow his dream and he didn't picture forming new bonds from that. Though he must admit he likes the attention and he likes being able to let his guard down around someone who really likes him.
Gyuvin's resting his head on his shoulder, chin pressing against his collarbone. "You're the bestest Ricky Shen."
"You're only saying that because you want me to pay." Ricky knows this game already.
Gyuvin looks up at him from the corner of his eye. "You're the one who always offers."
That's true, so Ricky bites back a smile and takes their things after he pays.
They're met with a starry city skyline as they leave the store. Gyuvin's glued to his side like he always is, hands in his pocket to fight the cold. Sometimes Ricky wonders if Gyuvin would ask to hold his hands and warm them up. He's sure it'd be a joke, and Ricky knows he'd tease him about it but say yes anyway. He doesn't know why he's thinking about this right now but Gyuvin's breath against his cheek distracts him from it.
"Thank you, by the way." Gyuvin says.
"For what?" Ricky asks, wondering what he might have done differently today.
Gyuvin pulled on his jacket. "You always pay. I say thank you, but I don't think you listen."
Ricky stops walking, sparing a glance at Gyuvin. "I listen."
"I really mean it, Ricky. Thank you." Gyuvin grins, a shy little expression.
Seeing him like this was rare. Gyuvin only gets shy and a little bashful around him but usually he stands proud. He’s never seen him get so sincere like this about anyone else. The closer they got, the more it seemed to happen. It almost felt like Gyuvin didn’t believe that their friendship was two-sided. Something about that made him sad.
They're in the middle of the sidewalk and the world is still moving. Ricky doesn't understand why this feels so important. He doesn't understand why it makes him stop in place and unable to move on. They're just staring at each other while the sounds of the city seem silent as Gyuvin's breathing and the sound of his own heartbeat ring throughout his ears.
Gyuvin doesn't have to say thank you. He never had to say thank you because Ricky would always do it without asking and would continue even if Gyuvin tried to fight him about it. At first, Gyuvin actually did. He tried and tried to get Ricky to budge, but Ricky remained unshakable. This is one of the only ways he knew how to show how much he cared about him. He doesn’t know how to put it into words yet. He isn’t sure if that’d be something that’s allowed between them, anyway.
Gyuvin places a hand on his shoulder as his smile falls, looking a little nervous. "Are you okay?"
Ricky shakes his head to escape his thoughts and clears his throat. He turns away and starts to walk. "Yeah, sorry. I am."
Gyuvin catches up next to him, sliding up next to his side. He doesn't say anything else as they continue walking and Ricky isn't sure he would be able to respond, anyway.
A few minutes later as they're reaching the dorm, Ricky offers Gyuvin a small, hidden smile while matching his inflection. "You're welcome, by the way."
Gyuvin grins.
What Ricky doesn’t realize, and something he’ll never find out, is that Gyuvin was well-versed in using his credit card. He knew the pin number better than Ricky did, honestly. If he found out back then, maybe he’d be angry. In reality, he wouldn’t have cared. Most of the things Gyuvin bought were for Ricky, anyway.
“I thought you hated me, to be honest.” Gyuvin lets out an over-the-top sign.
They’re out at some restaurant again and Ricky’s watching Gyuvin eat as they talk about their first few months knowing each other. It’s funny, hearing Gyuvin’s perspective. Back then, Ricky just thought Gyuvin was a little weird.
Gyuvin made a comment about how shy Ricky used to be. He mentions how awkward Ricky used to be around him that it made Gyuvin a little nervous.
Ricky snorts. “I didn’t even talk to you.”
“Exactly! Everyone else loved me, but you loved playing hard to get.” Gyuvin took a sip of his drink. “Every time I tried to talk to you, you looked scared.”
“Hard to get? ” Ricky chuckles. “You were hard to get rid of, maybe.”
Gyuvin rolls his eyes. “Just admit it, you were super shy. Everyone knows it! It was cute.”
Ricky glances down at his plate, ignoring the last comment. “I just didn’t know Korean that well yet.”
“You were lucky I’m such a god at speaking English.” Gyuvin crosses his arms in a proud motion. “I single-handedly made Shen Ricky popular. You’re welcome, by the way.”
Ricky rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t there to be popular. But, thanks baby.”
“All the other trainees were scared of you, you know. You had this killer expression when you wore a mask.” Gyuvin says, bringing his hand to mask his face and pretend to be Ricky. He narrowed his eyes and Ricky could tell he was grinning behind his hand.
“Is that why you were staring at me all the time? Were you scared, Qubing?” Ricky teases.
Gyuvin actually blushes, laughing nervously as he didn’t expect Ricky to ask that. “Scared? Not a chance. I didn’t think I was that obvious, though.”
Ricky nods, taking a mental picture of Gyuvin’s red face. “Trust me, you suck at pretending like you’re not looking at me. It was intimidating at first. I thought you didn’t like me.”
“What? I tried so hard to be your friend. It’s those eyes, Rick.” Gyuvin sighs, resting his head in his hand. “Those 500 won eyes. You could make anyone fall for you with those. You gotta be careful who you bat your eyelashes at.”
Gyuvin’s smiling again with a clear fondness in his expression. Ricky’s taken back by the compliment at first. He stares at Gyuvin and only blinks. Gyuvin clears his throat like he’d admitted too much. Ricky doesn’t think any harder, face warm from the attention.
As they walk back home together that night, Ricky realizes just how close they’d become. Gyuvin feels more like his second half rather than a best friend. He wonders what Gyuvin thinks.
They’re standing next to each other after a company meeting. A group of trainees had been chosen to promote themselves on an upcoming survival show. Ricky was one of the ones chosen. So was Gyuvin.
Gyuvin’s trying to pretend like he’s not looking at Ricky, but he’s always been bad at that. Ricky turns to him, gesturing to him to say what’s on his mind.
“Do you think this is a good thing?” He asks.
Ricky wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He notices a hint of insecurity in his tone.
He starts to think about it harder than he actually wants to.
This might be his only chance at debuting. It could also be the thing that destroys all his hopes and dreams once and for all.
“I don’t know.” He says honestly.
Gyuvin doesn’t seem satisfied. Ricky doesn’t know what he wants to hear, but they’re both pulled away before they can say anything else.
Boys Planet is grueling. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Agendas and storylines are forced and sometimes Ricky thinks he gets lost in the background. It’s so unlike everything he’s experienced in the last two years.
He has his own opinions about everything that’s happened, but he knows he doesn’t have the luxury to express them. He should be angry because it’s unfair. All the other trainees seem to be, too. He has a right to be upset but he instead uses those emotions to fuel his passion to succeed.
There are a lot of nice people, too. There are some bonds he's sure will last a lifetime. Yet, as people he'd grown to call friends leave one by one, Ricky's left wondering if they'll give up on their own dreams or not. He prays they don't.
Twelve weeks pass in a blur and Ricky’s tired. He wishes he could sneak off to a convenience store and meet with the only person who seems to know him better than anyone. There is so much he wants to say, but a part of him is scared any conversation could be their last.
"What if one of us doesn't make it?" Ricky can't stop himself from saying a few days before the finale.
Ricky's not jaded, not yet at least, but he's tired. It feels like the last few weeks have taken everything he has out of him, now he's left with nothing to give. He hates how this feels.
He's not naive. Gyuvin's gained a lot of popularity, and Ricky has too, but not in ways that he can fully understand yet. Virality doesn't always translate to success, after all. He's been left worrying about what the future might look like if this doesn't work out. He isn't sure if he can handle being taken away from someone he's grown to care about more than he thought he could. However, more than that, he can't face giving up on his dream.
Gyuvin's face falls, flashes of disbelief dragging his face down into a scowl. Gyuvin looks at him with an expression he's never seen from him before. He looks angry and confused.
"Don't ever say things like that."
Ricky doesn't feel like fighting, especially not with Gyuvin this late at night, but he's tired of ignoring the horrifying possibilities on the horizon.
"What if you make it and I don't?" He hurriedly asks again.
Gyuvin's face contorts further, actually glaring at him with nothing but shock on his face. "Ricky, that's not possible."
"You don't know that. Anything can happen."
"I'm telling you, that's not going to happen." Gyuvin pulls Ricky's hand into his own, holding it with a type of desperation that makes him scared. "If you don't make it, then I don't make it."
Ricky can't believe Gyuvin has the audacity to say something like that. He doesn't know how to respond, how to fight the insane idea that Gyuvin might not debut in the final line-up.
Gyuvin pulls on his hand, pretending to be brave for the both of them. "We're going to debut together, and that's that."
He speaks with such finality that Ricky's left breathless.
Ricky isn't always as confident as he projects himself to be and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't deathly afraid that in a few days all his dreams might shatter.
Yet, something in Gyuvin's tone helps him hold onto that last sparkle of hope. He's already come so far, farther than he thought he could. They made it to the finals together and he doesn't want to make it to the other side without him.
Ricky looks down at their hands. Gyuvin's fidgeting against his palm and Ricky realizes just how nervous Gyuvin is and always has been. He wonders if he truly believes what he said, but he can't find it in him to ask. He wouldn't dare to question Gyuvin's convictions, which often stand stronger than his love for others.
"Don't talk like that. Don't think like that," Gyuvin whispers, face falling into something more sad and delicate. They're just teenagers, barely hitting the cusp of adulthood. In his mind, he still feels like a child sometimes. Like this, in the dim dormlight, Ricky realizes just how cruel everything is.
"I won't," he says. He needs to be strong. He needs to pull himself together and be strong like Gyuvin has been. If not for himself, then for Gyuvin. "I won't. I'm sorry."
Gyuvin shakes his head, resting his forehead against Ricky's. The kind of intimacy Gyuvin always offers him never ceases to make him nervous. He's never been someone interested in skinship, but Gyuvin's affections are declarations of how deeply he cherishes his relationships. He wonders how easy it would be to lose the kind of love Gyuvin wears on his sleeve, the kind of love he offers in every smile. He doesn’t like thinking about it.
They're just teenagers and Ricky's never had a friendship like this before. He's scared of losing it from forces beyond his control. They can’t promise anything to each other. They definitely shouldn’t when nothing is certain, but Gyuvin seems to anyway.
"Never say sorry." Gyuvin mumbles, meeting Ricky's gaze. They're staring into each other's eyes, finalizing their own desires to make their dreams come true. Ricky sees the fire that hasn’t left Gyuvin’s expression since the show began. He feels the flame flicker inside his own.
They stand there for a little while longer before exhaustion forces them apart. As Ricky's laying in his bed that night, he can't sleep. He thinks of everything that might happen. He lets himself imagine making it into the final lineup. He imagines his name being called, running to stand up next to the people he'd grown to call his friends. He imagines Gyuvin's face, never thinking for a second he's not standing there next to him.
He imagines a future where he stands on the stage underneath the spotlights. He dreams of a future where everything he’s given up has been worth it.
Please, let this be worth it.
When Gyuvin's name gets called, relief fills Ricky’s core. He can be happy for him while forgetting about himself for a second.
He's sobbing and Ricky will definitely tease him for this later. He's never seen Gyuvin cry before. He didn't think he could. He'd been a pillar of support that Ricky couldn't live without anymore. He thinks crying makes him strong, too.
Underneath the lights, he looks so delicate.
When his own name gets called, he wonders if this is some cruel dream. As he's walking up the stairs, falling into Gyuvin's arms, he hopes he can hold onto this feeling forever.
He’s the happiest he’s been in his entire life. Everything he sacrificed had been worth it. Almost three years away from home finally gave him something to show for it. As the crowd cheers and the confetti falls Ricky takes a snapshot of this moment in his mind, desperate to never forgive it. He makes a promise to himself, one that he had made so many years prior.
He will be the role model he'd always dreamed of being. Now, he had the platform.
They don't have forever, not with each other and not with this team, but he can learn to cherish the feeling they give him. He can create an eternity while anticipating the deadline. He won’t make the mistake of worrying about tomorrow and wasting the time he has today.
He’s done enough of that.
When they move in together, Gyuvin’s telling everyone how much he doesn’t want to room with Ricky. At first, they all think it’s a joke. Taerae even offers to switch, but Gyuvin refuses. He says ‘ I don’t want to force anyone else to deal with Ricky’ . He’s smirking at Ricky when he says that, like he’s the funniest man alive and trying to piss him off. When Hanbin pulls them both aside and asks if there’s something wrong, Gyuvin changes his attitude real fast. He learns to keep their jokes private after that.
They finished moving in and Ricky’s exhausted.
"Rick. Funny seeing you here." Gyuvin bows, feigning a proper accent.
Ricky rolls his eyes, sitting down on the edge of his bed. "We've seen each other daily for like the past two years."
Gyuvin breaks out into a toothy smile. "But now as idols."
"Relax, we haven't even debuted yet." Ricky says but can't help the excitement that flickers in his stomach.
Gyuvin shrugs, smile never fading. "We're basically already famous, so I'd say we're idols."
Gyuvin likes to pretend to be cocky around Ricky when he knows no one else is around. Sometimes, Ricky wonders why Gyuvin tries to impress him so much.
"Sure." Ricky shrugs, falling back into bed. It's not that comfortable but anything beats the Boys Planet dorms. He's already decided it's an upgrade just from the absence of a camera.
Gyuvin stands up from his own bed, walking over to Ricky's and plopping himself down next to him. "Rickyyyy."
Ricky closes his eyes, exhaling. He's tired and doesn't feel like entertaining Gyuvin anymore, no matter how much he’ll beg for it.
Gyuvin falls on top of Ricky, wrapping his arms around his torso. "Rick."
Ricky stretches, getting comfortable underneath Gyuvin’s weight pressing against his chest.
"RickyRickyRickyRickyRicky-" Gyuvin repeats his name in a loud, harsh tone, causing Ricky to wince.
"What?" He finally says, opening his eyes to meet Gyuvin's gaze with a curious glare.
Gyuvin's still beaming, face inches away from Ricky's. He has the kind of joy that Ricky hasn't seen in him in a while. It reminds him of when they first met, back when they both bore more innocence.
"I'm really happy, Ricky." He whispers like it's a secret. Like it's something only they share.
Ricky blinks a few times, taken back at the simple confession. Gyuvin's grinning, expecting a reply. He doesn't know what he should say. He doesn't even know how to unpack all of the emotions he'd been pushing down to the deepest parts of his heart since this entire thing began.
He decides he should be honest. "Me too."
Gyuvin then hugs him tight, dropping his head in the crook of Ricky's neck. He might be crying, Ricky can't tell, but he's laughing and making weird noises and he's pretty sure his shirt is getting wet. He wraps his arms around Gyuvin, staring at the ceiling.
They lay like that for what feels like hours, Gyuvin moving every so often to push his face closer into Ricky. The press of his lips makes Ricky shiver. The feeling tickles against his skin and friends shouldn't be this close to each other but Gyuvin's never been just a friend. Have they ever been just friends?
Gyuvin falls asleep in his arms and Ricky never stops staring at the ceiling, listening to Gyuvin breath in his sleep. He knows Giving better than anyone else, yet sometimes there are sides of him that still surprise Ricky.
He didn't sleep well that night.
In the morning, Gyuvin's laughing and smiling again and Ricky doesn't have to face the traces of anguish that come with realizations of love. Not yet.
He has so much more to worry about and so much more to look forward to. Everything finally feels worth it. He hopes he can hold onto this feeling or as long as he can.