Chapter Text
Regulus wants to die. He is actually going to kill himself. This is worse than when he first came out and started dressing more masculinely. Because at least he could prepare himself in advance for all the stares and hate he was going to receive. Now? He didn’t get so much as a look or warning before this happened.
This being James on top of the Gryffindor table shouting that he fancies Regulus as loud as he can to the entire Great Hall.
No. Not just fancy. Apparently, he loves Regulus.
“There’s no one else in the world for me, Reg,” his voice carries throughout the giant room. “So, what do you say? Hogsmeade this weekend?”
One of the many things about himself that Regulus hates, is how pale he is. He knows that it makes his skin more porcelain-like, which some people find attractive. But he also knows, that because he is as white as a sheet of fucking paper, when he blushes, he blushes hard. So hard that his friends have compared him to a ripe tomato.
So he knows that when James finishes his speech, and every head snaps to him to see his response, and his face heats up instantly, he could rival- well… something really red. He doesn’t know. It’s hard to think straight after what the fuck just happened. And he knows that his friends are biting back their laughter before he even looks at them.
He doesn’t have to look at Sirius to know he must be furious. But he’s got bigger things to worry about right now. Like how James just said that he loves him. Like how every single fucking eye in the school is on him right now. Oh, Merlin. Everyone’s watching him. He hates this. He hates attention. This is too much. He can’t breathe. He needs to get out of here now.
He doesn’t remember deciding to get up and leave. He doesn’t realize he’s nearly running out the doors until he hears James call “Reg! Wait!”
He sprints. He doesn’t even know where he’s going. He just needs to get away from there. Away from everyone. Away from James.
After running until he feels like he is about to collapse, he grabs the nearest door handle and throws it open. Luckily no one is in this classroom. He immediately slams the door and drops to his knees on the floor. It’s too bright in here. There are too many colors. The buzzing in his ears is getting louder. His skin doesn’t feel right. It’s too hot. His whole body itches. He can’t think straight. When the fuck did the classrooms get so small?
It feels like forever of just barely getting air in and out of his lungs before he feels someone place their hand on his arm. He immediately scrambles back into a nearby desk. He’s still finding it hard to breathe.
“Hey hey hey. It's okay. It’s just me.”
He can’t see Pandora through the blurriness of his vision, but he would recognize her voice anywhere. Wait. Why is vision blurry? When did he start crying?
“Reg?” he hears her ask.
After rubbing his eyes with his robes in an attempt to regain his sight, he sees her slowly start to reach for him again.
“Can I touch you?” she talks to him like you would talk to frightened animal. He hates it, but he doesn’t blame her. He probably looks like one.
He nods, finding it hard to speak through his still-ragged breathing. The second her hands find his arms, a new wave of tears washes over him. He falls into her, but she catches him immediately like she was expecting this.
“Reg, breathe. In and out. Here, follow my breathing.”
He doesn’t know how long it takes him to calm down. But when he does, he is immediately struck with the horror that he’s just had a panic attack right in front of Pandora. The last time he ever cried in front of someone was Sirius, and that was many years ago. Sirius was still living in their parent's house then. Sure, she’s seen him upset, but never crying. And most certainly never seen him freak out like this.
And yet, he was comforted enough by her presence that he was able to pull himself back together. That doesn’t shake the fear of having someone see you vulnerable when you’ve fought so hard not to be though.
“Dora, I-”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” she cuts him off firmly yet somehow still gently. That’s Pandora for you. “I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone, but I will not let you act as though you are fine. Nor will I let you apologize for being human Reg. You had a moment. Everyone does. No one is above them, not even you.”
“Doesn’t mean I want people to see them,” he mumbles back, wiping his face with his hand.
“As I said, no one has to know. And I have no intention of bringing this up again. But I am here if you want to talk about it. I always have been and always will be.”
And well, what else can he say to that besides: “Thank you, Dora.”
She smiles back at him warmly.
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Regulus spends the next two days ignoring James as best as he can. This turns out to be difficult considering James is trying very hard to see him. He tries skipping meals by just having Pandora bring him food later, but James finds him in the corner of the library he has hidden himself in as he awaits the arrival of said food. He tries not to stay in one place for too long, but the second he takes a second to just breathe James is right behind begging just to talk to him. He may or may not have sent a stinging hex his way and bolted down the hall.
Doesn’t matter where he goes, James seems to find him. Does he have a tracking spell on Regulus? Surely not. Regulus would feel it, wouldn’t he?
Sirius has also tried to talk to him, but Regulus really doesn’t want to have to explain what happened considering he doesn’t even know where it came from. Just three weeks ago, James and Regulus had their first ever meaningful conversation, and now James is professing his love for Regulus to the entire school? There’s no way he’s fallen in love that fast. Not even Regulus fell in love with James that fast.
Alright, yes. Regulus loves him. He’ll admit that, but only inside his head. No one else knows, and they never will. Especially not James.
What could have possibly happened in those three weeks that made James decide to throw caution to the wind and scream his love from the rooftops? Or more accurately table tops. Surely he’s not actually in love with Regulus. This has to be some kind of joke. A prank that James and the “marauders”, as they call themselves, decided would be funny. Oh yes, because making fun of Regulus’ feelings and throwing them in his face is so fucking funny. Hilarious even. Except they don’t know of his feelings. So what is it?
Well, now he needs to know. The only problem with that is that it means talking to James. Which he does not want to do. He knows James isn’t the type of person to purposefully make Regulus uncomfortable. He doesn’t know Regulus had a panic attack after bolting from the Great Hall two days ago. But he’s still upset that James decided to tell him in front of everyone when he knows Regulus is a very private person. And to say exactly the words Regulus has been waiting to hear since he was 11 years old but not mean them? That just feels unnecessarily cruel.
It’s the beginning of the third day of ignoring James, and Regulus decides to brave the Great Hall again. He can’t avoid it forever. There isn’t as much staring as he thought there would be. Sure there are some small looks from most, but no one outright has their eyes trained on him.
Well, no one except for James. And Sirius. But it’s not Sirius’ glare that sends shivers up his spine. It’s the overwhelming love that he sees in James’ gaze. Which doesn’t make any sense. James has never looked at him this way before. He can’t help but hold eye contact with him, hoping no one sees that love reflected in his own eyes.
Suddenly, James goes to stand, as if to come to Regulus. He is yanked back down by his arm by Remus, the latter clearly exhausted as if he has had to do this before.
The movement startles Regulus out of his trance, and he sharply returns his gaze to his breakfast. He can hear Barty and Evan arguing over something. It’s probably insignificant knowing them. Dorcas is very obviously watching him. They’ve all already asked him about James’ little “display of affection” as they called it. He told them everything he knew, which was nothing. They didn’t believe him, which he supposes is fair. They did, however, agree to drop it as long as he promised to do their potions homework for the next week.
Avoiding Dorcas’ stare, Regulus quickly finishes his breakfast and gets up to head to class early. Normally he’d stay longer to remind Barty of how ridiculous he is. He’ll never understand how Barty can be so effortlessly smart when it comes to spells and wand work, but so incredibly stupid everywhere else. He’d also take Evan’s side on whatever their argument is about just to piss Barty off. They’ll make it up to each other later, as he has been so painfully made aware of by their lack of use of silencing charms. He’s threatened to strangle them the next time they forget, but of course that just encouraged them to never use them. He’s had to start casting them himself.
He would then chat with Dorcas about the upcoming quidditch match and how she feels about rivaling her girlfriend on the Gryffindor team. He’s never seen a couple be so angry and aggressive on the pitch and then sweet and loving immediately after as if they didn’t just yell insults that most people wouldn’t say to their enemies only moments before. But Marlene seems to make her happy, so he is happy for her.
Pushing thoughts of what he should be doing away, he makes his way down the hall as he heads to his potions class. They are receiving their grades for the amortentia they were assigned to brew on their own. He knows it was made perfectly, and he expects no less than a perfect grade, but he can’t help the nervous feeling he gets before he is given his grade on any assignment.
Before he can start to spiral about that, he hears James call out to him from behind.
Nope. Not today. He knows he has to face James eventually, but can’t that wait until tomorrow? Or the day after that? Or possibly never?
He starts to walk faster, just nearly making it to class, but James apparently already anticipated this, the bastard. He’s caught up to Regulus in seconds, and stops in front of him, blocking his way to the classroom.
“Regulus, wait. Please, just hear me out.”
“I’ve heard enough, Potter,” Reg replies surprisingly evenly. “You were quite loud with what you had to say.”
“Yeah, I know. I just can’t help it, baby. I-”
“Do not call me that,” Regulus cuts him off.
“What should I call you then? Sunshine? Sweetheart? Honey? Love of my life?” James' response is quick, like he knew Regulus would be upset by the nickname and chose to say it anyway.
“My name, Potter. Now move,” the Slytherin tries to push past him, but James is much stronger than he is and refuses to let Regulus through the door.
“That seems unfair considering you don’t call me by mine.”
“Potter is your name, is it not?” Regulus snaps, angrily resigning to not being able to enter the classroom.
“James. Call me James please,” the taller man nearly begs.
“I need to get to class, Potter. So, if you could so kindly remove yourself from the doorframe, I-”
“Regulus!” Slughorn interrupts the two of them. James, distracted, doesn’t notice Regulus take advantage of this small victory and hurry through into the classroom. He slams the door in James’ face, causing the Gryffindor to jump backward. He finally leaves, accepting that today is not the day Regulus will indulge in this stupid prank of his.
“I came here early to see about my results on the potions we brewed,” Regulus says, setting his things down at his desk.
“Ah, yes. I meant to speak with you about that.”
“What about it?”
“It seems you have turned in a sleeping potion.” Regulus freezes. “I’m sure it was a mistake, of course,” Slughorn continues as if he hasn’t noticed Regulus' internal panic. “If you still have the amortentia, I’ll gladly take-”
“You must be mistaken,” Reg interjects.
“I assure you, Mr. Black, I am not.”
“Are you sure?” Regulus asks as he begins frantically digging through his bag. He knows he has two more sleep potions, both for James. He had planned to brew more tonight. No one knows that he is making them for James, per James’ request. He usually gives him a week's worth at a time, so he should be good for another few days. After all, he just gave him the sleeping potions right before he turned in his assignment to Slughorn. He refuses to think about the fact that giving them to James means talking to James. That is a future Regulus problem.
If he gave Slughorn one of the sleeping potions, then he should have the amortentia and one more sleeping potion in his bag. Grabbing both out, he checks their color, only to notice both of them are dark purple.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fucking shit.
“I am quite sure. If you do not have it on you, you may go back to your dorm. I know you are not the type to simply refuse an assignment.” Slughorn’s voice sounds as though he is underwater.
He knows the amortentia isn’t in his dorm. He doesn’t keep his work anywhere except his bag so it is on him at all times. So if he doesn’t have it, there’s only one other person that could. The only person he has ever made anything for. The one person he has been avoiding for the past couple of days because he decided to jump on the Gryffindor table and-
Oh. Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no. No.
“Mr. Black! Regulus!” he hears Slughorn shout after him as he bolts out the door.
Fuck. This can’t be happening. This cannot be the explanation.
He makes it to his dorm in record time, tossing all of his belongings across the room. He turns everything upside down in an attempt to please, please say he left it here. He knows it didn’t, but please let it be some mishap of the potion falling out of his bag. Except that wouldn’t make sense, because there were still two potions in there. That means it has to be the one thing Regulus is begging it not to mean.
He gave James the amortentia.