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No. She cant say it out loud. She cant even allow herself to think about it.
Doing so would mean its real.
It isn't.
Killjoys doesn't have feelings for her. She just finds her to be attractive. Yes, thats it, she didnt have a crush or anything, Raze was just… cute.
Aesthetically. And just from an objective standpoint.
That didnt mean anything else would stem from it. Absolutely not. Killjoy wouldnt allow that.
Raze was too pretty. Way too pretty to even consider seeing Killjoy in that way. Its best to just not even think of Raze in that way either, lest she just lets her hopes up and set herself for disappointment.
But much to Killjoys fear, she finds herself in a situation like right now. Clutching her pillows, rolling around her bed, and desperately convincing herself she doesn't have a crush.
Its been a constant back and forth fight in Killjoys head since the brazilian mechanic joined the protocol a few months ago. And yet even with how much she pushed the thought down, she couldn't help but admire the girl.
Surely she could distract herself in her workshop. Yeah, that would help. She wouldnt think of Raze if she was occupied with her gadgets.
Spoiler: It did in fact, not help.
Killjoy sat there with tools in her hands, dazed and still as a corpse from all the thoughts running through her head. All of them featuring the beautiful girl she was trying to get her mind away from.
She suddenly shook her head and lightly slapped her face a bit in a feeble attempt to try to focus. It didnt help. Nothing did. But if there was one thing Killjoy was it was stubborn. This meant nothing, these were just intrusive thoughts she didnt want.
In all of this internal turmoil, Killjoy didn't notice someone silently sneaking up behind her, slowly tip-toeing until she was right behind her.
“Boo~!”
“Ah! Sheisse! What the fuck!” She swiveled her chair to face the intruder and her voice faltered as soon as she saw who it was.
The culprit laughed gleefully, being none other than the very girl that plagued Killjoys thoughts. “Sorry Kj, you just looked so focused! I couldnt help myself!” She pat Killjoy firmly on the shoulder as some sort of consolation.
“Youre horrible. Never do that again. Or else im locking you out my lab.”
“Awe, dont be like that,” Raze giggled. “Here, I’ll help you out here to make up for it, what are you working on right now?” Raze leans over Killjoy to look at her desk, she cant help but mutter something about how clean it is.
Killjoy flushes at the closeness. Razes touch was so warm. It felt so nice, even if it was damped by the thick fabric of Killjoys hoodie. It was all too much, Killjoy felt too warm, she needed to get Raze to move.
“Hey, ever heard of personal space?” The words came out much harsher than Killjoy was intending. She winced internally.
Raze retracts and immediately apologizes. “Oh, sorry about that! Geez, I thought we were comfortable enough to do that, ah well, just tell me next time youre uncomfy with me.”
“No its fine, im just a little… strung up today. Youre free to stay here and help though.” Killjoy felt like she was digging her own grave by letting Raze stay, and yet she didnt find herself regretting anything when she saw Raze with her wide grin that never failed to light up her face.
“Sweet! But actually… you mind if I mess around with my own stuff instead?” Raze was already pulling another chair next to the other agent before she was able to respond. Killjoy rolled her eyes at the sudden change of plans, so typical of the duelist.
“Sure, but if anything explodes again, you are telling Brim. And paying for any of my parts you explode”
“Pshh nah, I know what im doing, its gonna be finee!” Raze was digging around her pile of scrap metal in search of her current project. The sounds of all the metal clashing together made Killjoy cringe.
“Mhm, you are known for your expert precision when it comes to machinery” Killjoy quips sarcastically with an amused smirk.
“Exactly! Now, what are you working on?” Raze takes a closer look at Killjoys work again, but this time taking care not to get too close.
“Ah nothing much, just trying to see if I can get sentry bot to be more efficient. Just general tinkering. Seeing what works and what doesn't.”
Killjoy relaxed slightly as she answered the question. The definite answers soothed her, not like having to think about why she felt this way around Raze when she was clearly not in love.
Momentarily, Killjoys loud thoughts about her not crush was forgotten about, in favor of spending and enjoying time with her best friend.
Before Raze, Killjoy exclusively worked alone. She kicked out anyone who wanted to go inside her lab while she was working and just refused to get work done when people were watching.
Raze was the only one allowed to be this close and spend this much time with Killjoy while she was working. Her presence was just different. Killjoy could relax and just be herself around her. Not that she didnt trust the other agents or anything, Raze was… unique in a way she couldnt explain.
They tinkered and laughed at each others dumb jokes, fully enjoying each others presence. They were in the workshop for hours before either of them noticed any sign of needing to get up to do anything else.
When the two eventually had to eat, they did it together as well. Raze always thought of some corny pun about whatever meal they currently had and it never failed to make Killjoy snort a little and claim she didnt find it funny at all.
But the day has to end at some point, and that it did, having Killjoy retreat back alone to her room and collapse on the bed.
Everything that Raze did was flooding back into her head and it just drove her up the walls. How the simplest and smallest things Raze did somehow was the cutest thing in the world. Her brain would not let her sleep because the moment he closed her eyes she would imagine a new little mannerism she noticed about Raze and she'd have to sit up and mentally scream at herself to let her go to sleep.
This went on for more than an hour before she finally got tired enough to shut her eyes for good. She needed to do something about this, it was one thing for her thoughts to bother her while doing menial tasks but it was another for them to disrupt her sleep.
Something had to be done. And it would start with her talking about what she felt to a certain girl.
~~~~~~
“–I try my best to not think about it when i'm with her, but whenever she gets too close I feel like screaming, I just want to stop these thoughts!” Killjoy held her face in her hands, finally done with her rant.
She was currently in Neon's room, the two becoming fast friends ever since the blue ball of energy joined the protocol a few months ago.
The filipino winced upon hearing everything that her friend had to say about her little predicament. “Killjoy, Ill be real with you here, you're like…”
Neon squints and vaguely motions something at Killjoy with her hands. “Hopelessly in love.”
“Ugh, that is not what I needed to hear. Love is a strong word, and its not one I feel towards her, at least not romantically.” Killjoy groaned.
“Hey, im just being honest with you here. Im just saying, If you really dont like her in the way youre saying then I dont think you would be talking to me here like this.” Neon shrugged.
“Whatever. Just… if you see me and her together can you ehh… I dont know, say hi? Give me a reason to include you, I dont want to be alone with her too much. I probably look like a fool around her. I need you there to maybe think of something else.”
“... Youre self aware that you look dumb when youre alone when alone with her because of what you feel about her, yet not aware enough to know and admit that you have a huge crush on her? Ibang klase ka na beh.” You are something else, girl.
“Hey. Watch your words.” Killjoy narrowed her eyes at the other girl.
“You dont even know what I said.” Neon raised her brow.
“Its very easy to infer from your tone that the last part is some sort of insult.”
Neon pinched the bridge of her nose as she sighed. “Oo na, ang tali-talino mo pero sarili mong crush di mo mapansin.” Yeah, yeah. You're so smart but you can't even notice your own crush.
“I swear-”
“Killjoy, just get outta my room.” Neon grimaced and pointed at the door.
Killjoy huffed and left. But not before quietly thanking her for listening.
Neon could almost laugh at how blind Killjoy was to her own feelings. Maybe she should do something about it, actions speak louder than words after all. Maybe all Killjoy needs is a little push in the right direction. Or probably a few rough shoves, considering her track record thus far.
~~~~~
Killjoy found Raze relaxing in the common room, and she invited Killjoy to come sit with her. Raze was watching a documentary about some sort of bird, and she was just almost too engrossed in it to even see Killjoy passing by.
Killjoy found no real reason to object, so she took a seat next to the girl on the couch. Viper had surprisingly good tastes in furniture, as Killjoy found herself practically melting onto the cushion.
“What are you watching?”
“Ah, something about this bird–forgot its name, dont ask me how–but its really interesting! They cant fly and they lay these magical looking eggs and they look like they would peck my eyes out, theyre really cool!”
“Oh, I think ive see those those before–ahh… cassowaries, right?”
“Oh yeah! Thats what theyre called! Youre always so smart Killjoy” Raze smiles as she pat Killjoys shoulder.
“Wait, I can do that right? Dont wanna make you uncomfy again.” Raze turned to Killjoy and asked.
Killjoy wanted to cry from how much Raze cared to remember that moment a few days ago when she couldnt even remember the name of the subject her documentary was about. It made Killjoys heart squeeze painfully in her chest.
“No, its okay now, just dont get too close, ja?”
“Got it” Raze smiled as she leaned back into the impossibly soft couch. Seriously, where did Viper find a couch that felt like it was stuffed with freshly harvested clouds? Killjoy had to ask about this later.
The two watched the rest of the documentary. With only minimal tiny freak outs from Killjoy about being in such close proximity with Raze even though they probably had enough space in between them for a whole other person to take a seat.
At one point, the narrator made a completely unexpected suggestive joke and it led to the girls to slowly face each other and burst into uncontrollable giggles.
“Seriously, where did that come from?” Raze giggled into her hand.
“I dont know, but that was so funny!” Killjoy couldnt help but repeatedly smack Razes arm.
“Hey! That hurts!” Raze playfully complains and turn to face Killjoy.
Coincidentally, Killjoy turned to Raze to make another of her famously sarcastic retorts, but she finds herself freezing when faced directly with Razes rather beautiful eyes.
Had Killjoy really not looked Raze in the eyes before? Were they always that pretty? Killjoy never recalled her eyes to look this alluring. God she had to look away, but it was like was entranced.
Meanwhile Raze held a curious expression at the prolonged eye contact, she was staring into Killjoys eyes just as eagerly, although for different reasons. Raze tilted her head slightly to the side to feign some confusion, but she didnt outwardly ask, since she didn't want to ruin the moment, whatever it was.
The two continued to stare at each other for a good minute until Raze couldnt take it anymore and burst out in giggles.
“Im–im sorry Kj, Im just not use to eye contact this intense” Raze turned her face away and sputtered out more broken cackles.
“Uhh– No its fine, I dont know what we were doing either” Killjoy quickly retracted and tried her best to hide her flushed face while also seeming nonchalant about all that.
Unbeknownst to the two, Neon stood by the doorway, gawking and freaking out, thinking that the two finally developed their relationship. Only to be disappointed when they pulled away from each other.
Seriously, one would think that after that much tension-filled eye contact one of them would at least try to do something more.
In the following days, Killjoys next few interactions with Neon were interlaced with looks that she couldnt quite decipher(hehe cypher) and just served to confuse her.
After a few days, she relented and finally confronted Neon in her room.
“Okay, what is it this time?” Killjoy asked. She was fidgeting with some of the fabric on her glove while she waited for her to respond.
“You cannot be serious when you tell me you dont have a crush on Raze.” Neon pointed an accusatory finger at Killjoy.
She frowned. “I dont.”
“I am actually going to confess to Raze for you.”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“Because you are so dense its driving me mad! Im not sure how you two have been like this, considering I joined the protocol recently but watching you two interact already makes me want to rip my hair out.”
Neon continues before Killjoy is able to articulate a response.
“If you say that theres nothing between you two again I will actually go and strangle you.”
Killjoy stayed quiet for a moment before hesitantly replying. “...Okay, fine, I admit its a small crush, so what? Doesnt mean anything is going to happen.”
Neon could do nothing but stare at Killjoy in astonishment. Brows furrowed, eye twitching and mouth agape.
“I think Sages healing missed a few spots because im pretty sure youre still experiencing severe signs of major brain trauma.”
“Nanggigigil na talaga ako sayo” She scowled as she held the bridge of her nose. “Do you seriously not see how she treats you so much differently than everyone else? She drags you on private rendezvous to god knows where constantly.” You are seriously driving me mad.
“Yeah but thats just because we’re best friends, she–”
Neon cuts her off. “Ah, ah, im not done. She literally makes playlists for you. She creates special robots for you! She has gotten you flowers on m u l t i p l e occasions. I could keep going all day!”
“So that does happen, but what do you want me to do about it? Hey Raze, I might like you romantically, and you seem to be treating me–your best friend–a little special sometimes, surely that means you reciprocate, even though youve said nothing that even alludes to seeing me in a romantic light. Will you date me?” Killjoy waved her hands in the air sarcastically.
“Literally yes. Do that because I, and literally the whole protocol are so tired of you two.”
“And what if she rejects me? What do you suggest then? Our friendship would be gone!”
“Killjoy, you cant be serious here and tell me that youre content with being just friends with Raze. And I dont think shes content with being just friends with you either. Please just take a risk and go for it.”
“I dont… I dont know. Ill figure it out. Just let me be alright? I always work it out in the end.”
“You are the one coming into my room to rant and whine about how youre so affected by Raze. But I really cant force you into anything, so if youre really content with how everything is now, then I cant do shit about it. I just hope this talk made you realize some things.” Neon sighed in defeat. She opened her drawer and opened a bag of chips, offering some to a pondering Killjoy.
“Hey, I am not mad, seriously, you two are just super dense. But its okay, still love you both.” She takes back the bag and shrugs when Killjoy declines.
“...Thanks.
I do suppose my actions could be seen as frustrating…”
“You better.” Neon sighs and pats her friend on the back. Seriously, how could someone be so dense? She might just have to intervene soon.