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“It will not result in an explosion.”
“This is the radical for power and size. It will indeed result in an explosion.”
“I’m telling you it won’t, because I’ve combined it with the symbols for longevity and stability, which means it will result in a brighter torch which will last longer!”
“Incorrect, boy. There is still much you have to learn about the world.”
“Pah! We can try it on Biling Lake tomorrow night. I’ll prove you wrong or I’ll copy the disciplines.”
“You’re banned from the library after what I caught you doing to my nephew.”
“It’s more like what he was doing to me, but whatever you say, old man.”
Lan Qiren glares at his nephew-in-law, who grins back. To the surprise of everyone and also somehow no one at all, Lan Qiren and Wei Wuxian have become a very specific and circumstantial kind of close friends. They hold a reluctant but mutual respect for one another and love to argue about the various minutia of talismanry and metallurgy. They also love to argue about the Disciplines and Daoism versus Confucianism, but are forbidden to do that at family dinner after the last argument ended with shouting (forbidden) and clumps of cold rice being tossed around like tiny grenades (surprisingly not forbidden [at the time], but still taken in bad faith).
It is well after curfew by now, and the family are still enjoying each other’s company within the confines of the Jingshi, Lan Wangji sitting close to his still-too-thin brother, who is talking quietly but with reasonable cheer about the novel he’s currently reading. It’s a raunchy number that Lan Jingyi no doubt got off of Nie Huaisang or Ouyang Zizhen- those two must do big numbers in Gusu, really. The number of confiscated spring books have skyrocketed since little Zizhen wormed his way into the quiet sect’s social circle.
Lan Wangji had been originally disapproving of his brother’s new pastime, but Wei Wuxian managed to fix it by reading a few with his husband. His only motivation was proving that even a dirty little romance can have depth, value, and artistic merit, obviously. Definitely no other reason. The brothers have even read a few together now, and debate character development and plot structure like women gossiping over the loom.
Wei Wuxian is not allowed to join in, because he always seems to know the ending by the end of the first chapter, and has won way too many illicit but harmless bets against the Jades. As it turns out, both brothers are sore losers when it comes to harmless competition. Which may or may not have contributed to the Library Incident. Instead, Wei Wuxian listens to his husband and brother-in-law bicker about character development in their affectionate way, and heals something inside himself as the brothers heal beside him.
“What’s going on in that wicked little mind of yours?” Lan Qiren asks, narrowing his eyes.
“Ah-haha! Nothing at all! Don’t worry about it. You know my brain, either too full or completely empty-”
He’s interrupted from his obfuscating by a shriek of terror, and turns to see his husband and brother climbing on top of the desk as-
As a frog hops across the floor.
“Um. You guys okay? Xichen-ge? Lan Zhan? Sweetheart?”
“There is a frog.” Lan Zhan’s face is deadly serious, his shoulders up by his ears.
“Yes, there is. It’s very cute. Look at his little buttcrack!”
“Wei Ying, please remove the frog.”
Lan Wangji’s golden eyes plead with his husband as Lan Xichen tries to climb into his younger brother’s arms, whimpering.
“Boys, you are way too old to be acting like this over a frog.”
“A frog never hunted you across your home and back for weeks, Shufu!” Lan Xichen squeals as the frog hops closer, winking first one eye, then the other. “Ew, ew, ew. A-Xian, please get rid of it! It’s looking at me with its creepy little eyeballs!”
Wei Wuxian, currently too confused at what he’s seeing to laugh, quietly gets up and catches the little frog, which promptly pees in his hand and tries to escape.
“Hm. Seems very normal-” The frog bites his skinny finger, all the way past the first joint. “Okay, maybe not quite normal. I’ll just- um. Put it outside, shall I?”
“Yes, yes, far away! Far away outside!” Lan Xichen uses his brother as a human shield, hiding his weakened frame behind the normally stoic man. For his part, Lan Wangji leans away from Wei Wuxian and the offending amphibian, eyeing the critter the same way he eyes a suspicious new talisman left unattended in his home or Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui when he catches them acting suspiciously close in the library.
Wei Wuxian blinks at the Jades, clinging to each other like small children, eyeing the small, unassuming amphibian as if it’s going to eat them. He’s quite suddenly tempted, dearly tempted, to release the frog and let it jump at them, but his poor husband looks like he might cry or just turn off if it comes any closer, so Wei Ying gives in to his better judgement (don’t tell anyone) and takes the frog to the creek well behind the Jingshi.
“Wash your hands!” Lan Wangji calls after him.
“Okay, okay!” Wei Wuxian releases the frog and rinses the slime and frog pee off his hands. When he gets back to the Jingshi, the brothers are still standing on the table, looking around.
“Lan Zhan, the frog is gone.”
“There may be more.”
“Come down, husband. Your wife will keep you safe.”
Lan Wangji hops down from the table without hesitation, into Wei Wuxian’s arms. If he catches me, I’ll- Wei Wuxian smiles, hugs his husband tight. He loves this man so much.
“I do have to ask though, What the hell?” He presses his pointy chin into Lan Wangji's sternum to pester him a little bit.
“I’m not surprised they never told you,” Lan Qiren sniffs. “It was not their brightest moment, and clearly they have not recovered.”
Wei Wuxian shifts to the side so he can tuck himself into Lan Wangji’s embrace and rest his head on that broad, warm chest. He looks up at his husband, his still too fast heartbeat under his thin palm.
“Lan Zhan?”
“It is… embarrassing,” the stoic man admits, glancing sideways as he offers his brother a hand down from the low table. Lan Xichen wobbles a little bit on the small step down, something nobody mentions. Lan Wangji’s large hand between his shoulders is all the kindness that’s needed.
“The incident itself is very much a common learning moment for young children,” Lan Qiren argues. “The fact that you both still climb up tables, each other, and husbands this much later, however… That is embarrassing.”
“What happened?”
Lan Qiren’s face goes a little wistful as he blows on a fresh cup of tea.
“It was thirty-seven years ago. Wangji was three, Xichen was five. They were so curious at that age…”
~~~
“Didi! Look! It’s a frog!”
Lan Huan takes his little brother by the hand. The solemn toddler trots at his side, loyal like a young puppy. They’re playing in the shallow creek behind the Jingshi, Lan Qiren supervising from the porch. Right now, he’s being boring, talking to Elder Lan Taocang about a letter from Wen Sect Leader, which also sounds boring.
Lan Huan, eager to entertain his little brother until Shufu is no longer busy, prods the frog’s little butt, chasing it further away from the water. Lan Zhan’s lips quirk up into a tiny smile, and he toddles after the frog on his chubby little legs, golden eyes fixated on the way it hops away from him.
Lan Huan follows Lan Zhan dutifully, and Lan Zhan follows the frog, chasing it all over the garden and yard. Its little hops get shorter and shorter as it hops away from each encouraging little poke Lan Huan provides each time the frog stops jumping. The boys giggle, watching its shiny, slippery little body glisten in the sun as it rolls through a puddle.
“Gege, I want to catch it.”
“Yes! Let's catch it! We can show it to Shufu!”
By this point, the poor frog can barely hop, utterly exhausted from its torment at the hands of the two well-meaning but ignorant children. Seeing Lan Zhan's fat little palm descending, it makes one last valiant effort, one final tremendous leap for safety. Lan Zhan, tiny but determined, is still very little, and slips on the rock trying to lean forward to catch the desperate animal-
Smack! Lan Zhan goes down, losing his balance on the slippery stone. His robes are covered in dirt and clumps of moss, his knees skinned from the impact, and beneath his scraped up hand, throbbing at the wrist, is one very dead, squashed frog, tiny body mangled.
Realizing what he's done, Lan Zhan turns to his brother, bottom lip trembling with the threat of very rare tears.
“Didi, it's okay. We'll -”
“A-Zhan! A-Zhan, are you alright?!” Shufu is quite suddenly beside both of the boys, picking his youngest nephew up by the waist and holding him steady on his feet. “Are you hurt?”
The adult inspects the bits of blood seeping up from beneath his robes at the knees, the dirty, bloody scrapes on his pudgy little baby hands. Elder Taocang inspects his awkwardly held wrist.
“I think he's fine, Qiren. Just needs some cleaning up and maybe some rest.” The elder pats Lan Zhan’s head, brushes away a tear from round, chubby baby cheeks. “You must be careful, Zhan-er. These rocks are slippery when it's wet out. Remember to inspect your surroundings before your adventures, yes?”
“Mn.” The little boy, not really understanding the dense wordage, blinks tearfully. Lan Huan nods. He should be more careful with his Didi, who is still so small.
“Aiyah, he’s quite shaken,” Elder Taocang sighs. “Poor little thing fell quite hard, didn’t he?”
“Let's clean you up, baobei,” Shufu says. “Huan-er, you come too. I don't want you boys by the creek without someone watching you.”
“Yes, Shufu.”
Shufu picks Lan Zhan up, rubbing his back. The toddler lets out a sniffle, both at the gentle comfort and at the final glimpse of the dead frog. He hides in his uncle's neck all the way home.
Shufu cleans up the little boys and tucks them into bed for a nap. All the books he's read say that young children need naps to stay healthy and get enough rest. A-Zhan has been insisting on co-sleeping with either him or with A-Huan since their mother died, and Shufu is too worried about them both to try and separate them.
Lan Zhan stirs from his nap hours later, scrapes scabbed over and hurt feelings soothed. He has already mostly forgotten about the frog. Instead he joins Shufu at their little table, accepts some sliced fruit and rice cakes for an afternoon snack, and acquiesces to Shufu’s strictly structured playtime and learning schedule.
The trouble comes in the middle of the night some days later, after the frog incident has been all but forgotten by both boys. He and Lan Huan are snuggled up in bed, sleepy and a little sweaty with the summer heat. At one point, Lan Zhan gets up to get some water, rubbing his eyes and stumbling.
“Didi?”
Watching his little brother struggle with the ceramic jug, Lan Huan hurries over to help pour the water-
Only for the jug to empty out with globs of frog spawn and a pair of frogs.
“Eek!” Lan Huan yelps, dropping the ceramic jug, which clatters loudly on the table. “SHUFU!”
“Huan-er. There is no shouting in- What in the world? Where did these eggs come from?”
“They came out of the pitcher when we poured it.” The two frogs, content with their escapades, hop away into the night. Lan Huan pulls Lan Zhan out of their path. “Ewww, Shufu! That’s so gross!”
“It’s just life, Huan-er. It’s not gross." Shufu cleans up the spawn with a rag, scooping the clumped eggs back into the pitcher. "How bizarre. Wait here with your brother. I will get you fresh water.”
Shufu returns with fresh, clean water and new cups, helps the boys drink and pee before getting back to bed, and returns to bed himself. The frogs in the pitcher are brushed off as a strange but otherwise uninteresting phenomenon, and the remaining eggs are dropped into the pond, either to become tadpoles or be eaten- whatever nature decides.
The next morning, Lan Zhan finds a toad in one of his shoes and Lan Huan finds a salamander crawling over his forehead ribbon.
“Where did this toad come from?” Shufu asks, tossing the creature outside. “Boys, are you bringing these little beasts into the house? Animals belong outside. Pets are not allowed. Understood?”
Unsure of what else to do, the boys nod. Or rather, Lan Huan nods and Lan Zhan does not get that stubborn look on his face.
On their way to class, they find another frog, a bigger one, glaring at them from a rock on the side of the path. Shufu does not notice, or ignores it. Lan Huan sits for his lessons without issue before joining the younger children at the creche for the rest of the day. Lan Huan loves the creche, playing games and learning with other children. Lan Zhan dutifully learns whatever their caretakers are teaching them and then sits quietly in the corner of the yard beneath a tree until it's time to go home. He has never been particularly interested in playing with the other children, content to sit quietly until he can latch back onto his elder brother.
“He's so eerily quiet,” an adult murmurs. “There must be something strange about him. Maybe he's simple.”
“Hm. He doesn't seem to be. He learns well. He’s definitely asocial, though. His disposition is most unfortunate. And Huan-er is so sweet too! Imagine having a child like that for a younger brother-!”
“You two! That's one of our heirs you're whispering about!” The third person hesitates. “At least he hasn't bitten anyone today.”
“It's still early,” another mutters.
Lan Huan heads over to join his brother, now determined to make sure nobody gets bitten. He doesn’t like the way some of the adults talk about his didi.
“Didi, the teachers are talking again. No biting today.”
Lan Zhan doesn't answer, instead poking a leaf with a stick. He looks bored. Lan Huan sighs, sits quietly next to his brother, and pulls a puzzle toy out of his sleeve. He offers it to Lan Zhan first, but when the smaller boy shows no interest, starts playing with it himself. Lan Zhan flips over his leaf with the stick, and tugs silently on his brother's sleeve, staring with his narrowed baby gaze.
Underneath the leaf was another frog, staring at him intensely. It winks first one eye, then the other. Otherwise it does not move.
Lan Zhan, not one to be easily frightened, glares at the frog, bottom lip stuck out and eyes sharp. He pokes it with the stick.
“Go away,” Lan Zhan says. The frog licks its eyeball, but otherwise does not move. Lan Zhan pokes it again, flipping it onto its back. The frog rolls back over and stares at him some more.
“Didi?”
“Mn.” Lan Zhan takes his brother's hand, pulling him away from the tree and the frog. Lan Huan is starting to get scared with all the new amphibians running around. He feels like something is wrong. Lan Zhan, not liking that his brother is upset, sticks closer to him for the rest of the day.
On the way home, the big frog is on another rock beside the walking path. Shufu doesn't notice, so the boys say nothing.
Over the next few days, the boys begin finding frogs, salamanders, and toads everywhere. In their shoes, their toy box, their clothes, under their cups, in the pitcher.
The floor starts to move in the night, amphibians crawling around while they sleep. A frog climbs into their bed and starts singing loudly, resulting in Lan Huan startling and getting the sticky animal stuck in his hair. Shufu comes running when he cries out, but by the time he arrives, the stuck frog is the only one left. The others have disappeared through the floorboards or dissolved into the shadows.
“Huan-er, calm down. I will remove the frog.”
Lan Huan sobs, trying his best. Lan Zhan settles his head in his brother's lap, sucking his thumb. After a few moments, Lan Huan calms, removing his fingers from his own hair and stroking his brother's instead.
“Thank you, A-Zhan. Huan-er, sit still for a moment. Where are all of these frogs coming from?”
The boys pinch their lips shut. They can't tell Shufu what happened. They fear they'll be whipped for killing in Cloud Recesses.
“Let's make sure we keep the doors closed. They must be having a successful summer. And no bringing any of them inside.” The frog comes loose and Shufu leaves to bring it outside and rinse his hands. When he returns, Lan Zhan is still comforting his older brother.
Shufu has heard all about how stubborn and occasionally bitey his youngest is, but he doesn't care. He has watched Lan Zhan deliberate whether an action was worth the punishment and make the decision to do it anyway. If his teachers don't wish to be bitten, they should stop trying to touch him.
Some adults do not respect the boundaries of children, and it shows.
In the same way, he suspects the sudden amphibious invasion is not a natural phenomenon, but will give the boys time to decide if they will ask for help or if he will need to demonstrate that making a mistake does not mean he will not still help them.
They're little, but very smart. Just like their mother.
Days turn on, and the invasion continues. Shufu chides them about bringing creatures into the house, and the boys look at him with guilty tears but continue to say nothing. They’ll be beaten or locked away forever, and worse, Shufu will be so angry and disappointed in them.
There are amphibians in their shoes, in their clothes, under their teacups, all over the floor if they get up in the night. Everywhere they turn they see small, slimy, crawling, hopping creatures.
They start showing up in Lan Huan’s classroom, and the caretakers at the creche have mentioned it too, absolutely baffled. Lan Zhan gets in trouble for throwing a toad at a caretaker who tries to pick him up. Shufu scolds him and makes him sit quietly on the porch steps until dinner is ready, ignoring every sulky toddler glare thrown his way. He won't tell his contrary littlest nephew, but the caretaker has punishment of his own for touching people without permission.
One night, the boys hear a loud thump, thumps one after the other, like a heavy round thing is hopping around in the garden. A shadow appears, dark against the paper doors stained with moonlight. Lan Zhan ducks his head under the blankets, holding his brother tight. Lan Huan pets his brother's hair, clenches his teeth together, and does not move or make a sound. The shadow hops away.
Every night for a week, the shadow hops to the door, waiting. It gets closer and closer, bigger and bigger, until Lan Huan realizes it is almost big enough to swallow his poor Didi. He needs to tell Shufu, but how does he do that without getting his Didi in trouble? It was an accident! A-Zhan should not be punished for an accident!
It reaches a head a few nights later, A-Zhan and A-Huan cuddled together, clinging to each other like baby monkeys. The round thumping thing is back again, larger than ever. A huge, fat frog larger than a street dog bursts into the house, breaking through the paper doors!
Its large, bulbous eyes roll, every hop ending in a sticky thud against the floorboards. It stares at them with those angry red eyes, fat, globulous tongue darting out to catch one of its own, much smaller kin and blinking it deep down its wide mouth, swallowing it whole and alive.
“Ge~” A-Zhan sniffles, clinging to his older brother. “Will we be eaten?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, A-Zhan. Nobody is getting eaten.”
There, looming over them and the demon, is Shufu. He scowls, beard twitching as he towers over the gigantic frog monster. The frog monster opens its undead mouth as wide as it can go, wide enough to swallow little boys who torment frogs when their elders aren’t looking.
Shufu sniffs, unimpressed, and dispatches the frog with a single twang from his nephew’s tiny guqin. The frog bursts into thick, fat globs of red jelly and pus but even then the beast doesn’t dare try to dirty Shufu’s robes. The man raises an eyebrow at his weeping nephews, who are staring at their uncle in awe and adoration at the tremendous display of power.
“So… Where did the frog monster come from?”
“We were just playing,” A-Huan sobs. “It was an accident. A-Zhan wanted to pick it up, but he tripped and squished it.”
A-Zhan, in a shocking display of emotion, starts soundlessly sobbing into his brother’s nightshirt.
“Boys.” Shufu clicks his tongue, shakes his head. He can’t be too angry. Little children are not exactly known for being gentle with small animals. “Ah! Huan-er, A-Zhan, look!”
Frogs, toads, salamanders, and newts start crawling out of every crack and crevice, nook and cranny of the Jingshi, herding toward the broken door like a miniature army. The children whimper, recoiling against the wall. Shufu spends hours getting the boys to settle, and ends up having to keep them home all the next day so they can get proper rest. He argues with at least one more cantankerous elder about it, but ultimately wins on merit of having actually been in direct contact with toddlers and young children in the last one-hundred-and-twenty years.
Time moved on, but sadly, the boys never recover. They refuse to go anywhere near standing water for a few years, and even then always with the understanding that they can retreat at the first sign of any amphibian.
-
“I never did punish them,” Lan Qiren shakes his head, ignoring Wei Wuxian's cackling. “Being tormented by an angry undead frog seemed a very fitting and natural punishment. They certainly learned their lessons.”
“We really thought we’d be beaten or locked up. And Shufu seemed so giant back then,” Lan Xichen sighs. “Now I’m almost embarrassed. I bet that frog monster was nothing at all to handle.”
“It would have been a great deal for a five- and three-year-old,” Lan Wangji argues, not quite ready to admit to being terrorized by a fat little zombie frog. Wei Wuxian giggles, smitten at his husband’s prissy attitude.
“Alas, the boys never quite got over their fear of the creatures. Hence the very undignified, rule-breaking screeching our poor ears were subjected to.”
“Yes, thank you, Xiongzhang. I’ve always felt my hearing was much too keen.”
“You-!” Lan Xichen laughs, though with a wince. “Yes, alright fine. My screams do have quite the pitch I suppose.”
“Aiyah, I was a little demon even at fifteen. I have no room to judge.”
“And all of Cloud Recesses has heard how you scream,” Lan Qiren quips, mostly under his breath and with deep weariness and disgust.
Wei Wuxian, unfortunately gifted with better and better hearing every day as he repairs his inherited golden core, sticks his tongue out at the older man- not for the first or last time. He smooths his hands over Lan Wangji’s lapels and brushes some loose hair away from his handsome face. He’s grown so much from the chubby little toddler that trotted through this very room all those years ago.
“Don’t worry, husband. This wife will keep you safe from all the creepy crawlies. I promise!”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji’s ears are a bright pink, but his eyes are more soft than dark. He kisses his husband’s temple, letting the other man’s usual antics soothe him. He can feel sticky little frog toes all over his body, and it makes him want a bath.
In a fit of parental instincts, Lan Qiren brews more tea, a rather low-shelf green mixed with toasted rice. Cheap, cozy, and comforting. Wei Wuxian leans against his husband, pokes Lan Xichen with his toe, and manages not to spill the tea all over himself in his occasional fits of giggles.
It feels like a little family, albeit still an awkward and even tense one much of the time.
Later, on their way back to the Jingshi, Lan Wangji pauses. “Wei Ying?”
“Mn?”
“Do you think me beastly?”
“We’re both a little beastly, Lan Zhan. But if you are worried I think you are bad, or violent, No I do not.”
“I am not good… at being gentle.”
“I disagree.” Wei Wuxian slides his hand up and down his husband’s arm. “You were so gentle with A-Yuan when he was little. You’re gentle with the bunnies. With me.”
“That is not true.”
“If I asked you, right now, to only ever kiss and hold and fuck me softly, like I was a silkworm’s cocoon, would you do it? Could you do it?”
“Of course ,” with that same earnestness his husband always applies to their life together.
“Then you are a gentle person. You’re my person.” Wei Wuxian pulls him down by his chin for a kiss, causing them to pause in their steps. “Husband.”
“Husband.”
They kiss again, sweet and spicy, gentle hands and the cut of teeth.
“You need a bath and a warm blanket, sweetheart. Let me take care of you.”
“Mn. Always.”
“Every day… Do you want me to check the tub for any stray critters?”
“Wei Ying!”
There is laughter in Cloud Recesses. He'll never admit it, but Lan Qiren sincerely hopes it lasts.