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PRESENTING INFORMATION/ HISTORY/ CONTEXT
CLIENT: Armand
DATE/TIME: October 7– 7:50 pm
MATERIALS: Paper, watercolor
SETTING: individual session, session 1 (private practice)
BACKGROUND: Armand is South Asian man in his (presumed, no age given) late 20s. He currently works as a high end art dealer. Armand is recently separated from his long time partner, initiating his move to New York. He has indicated no mental health history, nor medical history. He states his reason for seeking treatment was a “condition set in the terms of moving on with our relationship”, but hasn’t disclosed beyond that.
OBSERVATION AND DESCRIPTION OF THE SESSION
Armand arrived to session early. He appeared impeccably groomed and was well dressed. Armand’s nails were carefully manicured and his hair well maintained. He wore tinted glasses, despite the late hour, and his clothes were noticeably designer. As I welcomed Armand into the space, he appeared to be at ease. He did not seem tense, nor did he look apprehensive. His shoulders were relaxed and his posture was upright, but not overly straight. There was no sign of tension on his face either, only a neutral yet attentive expression. He took a seat at the far end of the table, crossing one leg over the other and folding his hands in his lap. He took a moment to look around the room for several moments before making direct, unflinching eye contact with me.
Inclining his head slightly, Armand proceeded to ask what he might expect out of therapy. His eyes became more discerning. I asked if he had ever been to therapy before, to which he replied he had not, his voice flat yet soft. I returned to his initial question, explaining that my role is to provide him with a confidential and safe environment in which to explore relationships, past experiences, fears, anxieties, or whatever else he comes in with without judgment. His brow arched when I said the word “safe.” He appeared amused for a moment, a small smile tugging at his lips.
“Safe.” There was measured disbelief behind the word.
I stated that it seemed “safe” was a loaded word for him. Armand hummed, rubbing a neatly manicured thumb over his knuckles.
“I suppose it is,” was all he said.
I rephrased my answer, stating something to the effect that therapy was about creating a sense of safety within oneself. It is a process accompanied by a nonjudgmental other witnessing said creation. Armand’s expression changed slightly, this time he appeared curious. I continued, stating that therapy, the therapist, and in this case, the art he might make, act as containers for all the intense emotions that escape along the way. That these elements hold the pain so that it can be reprocessed, repercieved, and transformed into something bearable.
“Fascinating.” Armand leaned in slightly, looking at the art materials laid out on the table and the paintings of other clients gracing the walls.
“While I am trained in psychotherapy, it’s not a requirement that you talk. I’m an art therapist,” I replied. I disclosed that I don’t believe in forcing someone to open up, I don’t believe in forcing anything. My therapeutic stance and philosophy is to follow the client’s lead and act as a companion on their journey of self understanding. “In fact we could say nothing the entire time and just make art. You learn a lot about a person based on the art they create, based on what they see in their art, or what they intend for you to see. Is that what drew you to art dealing, Armand? The hidden histories attached to each piece?”
Armand appeared caught off guard, breaking his eye contact for the first time. His gaze met the ground as he leaned forward, lacing his hands together and rubbing his right thumb against his left.
“All art has a narrative,” he responded. “Though, I believe most don’t appreciate the actual intent, the history of the piece, the history of its maker. They merely see what they wish,” his gaze seemed distant.
“Is that how others see you, Armand?” I softened my tone, remaining open and curious. “Do they only see what they wish?”
He was silent for some time, appearing deep in thought, somewhere far away.
“In a sense I suppose… One can’t fully control the image others conjure. I am many things to many people,” his voice held a calm detachment, mirroring the distant expression he’d adopted.
“If you’re open to it, I’d like to invite you to share the version of you that showed up here today.” I gestured to the art table. “It doesn’t have to be a portrait, it can be anything–– an object, a concept, an animal, something abstract, just something that tells me who I’m meeting.” In return, I offered to draw what I saw.
Armand contemplated my invitation for some time. He seemed uncertain, though he continued to study the various media displayed before him. Eventually he agreed to the experiential, admitting he was curious to see what I would draw.
I observed as he trailed his fingertips along the various watercolor brushes. He carefully chose his implements and selected several tubes of watercolor. After making his selection he centered his attention on creating. He became fully immersed in the act. He held his brush gently, cradling it as if it were precious. His movements were fluid as he dragged the paint across the page. He spent a significant amount of time mixing colors, trying to get the shades precise. After minutes of focused painting, Armand sat back from his creation studying it as if it was completely foreign to him.
I set down my felt-tip pen, keeping my own sketch close. I asked Armand, who still stared at his piece: “What was the process like for you?”
It appeared he had no words to describe the experience. He sat before me, seemingly speechless as he looked between me and his art. He parted his lips to speak, but no sound came out. His brows knit together as his posture relaxed.
I encouraged him to take his time, offering potential means of explanation. Perhaps he felt something in his body, perhaps it was meditative, perhaps it was confusing, perhaps it was disturbing, perhaps it was freeing.
“I––” He paused, a sort of sadness colored his voice. “I haven’t painted in many years.” He had set down the brush he had been tightly clutching, his hand shaking slightly.
“I see,” I responded. “It must have felt strange to dive back in.”
Again he said nothing, though this time he pushed his painting towards me, allowing me to view his work.
He had painted a pair of orange amber eyes, intense with something ancient behind them. They stood out among the dark background, a stroke of deep crimson running through the painting.
I remarked on the intensity, stating that there was power there, but also pain. Armand merely hummed in response. I asked him about the red, what associations he held with the color. He studied his work before responding, “Pleasure. Pain. Love… Hunger.”
“Hunger,” I repeated. “What sort of hunger?”
“Longing, loss. Emptiness. Desire.”
“Desire for what?” I questioned.
“Anything. Everything.” I didn’t see his lips move, but I heard it. I heard it clearly.
I offered my interpretation of his words, of the content. I expressed that in many cultures red is associated with passion, lust, anger. While in others it represents union, fortune, belonging. I sense both meanings here.
“Perhaps,” he made eye contact again for the first time since before painting. “Or maybe you simply see what you wish.”
I nodded, validating his perception. I admitted that I too have biases and preconceptions. I also restated his own words, albeit paraphrased.
“I would like to see what you have drawn,” he requested. There was presence and authority in his tone.
I obliged him, showing him the small portrait I drew in pen.
Armand’s face fell. He appeared slightly sad, taken aback–– though there also appeared to be something fond. His fingers traced the image.
“This is how you perceive me…” his voice was quiet. “I have not seen this person for quite some time. Lifetimes ago.”
I was silent as he viewed my image. Holding space for him to process.
“I thought he had gone away, but perhaps he is within me still.”
“Perhaps he is,” I responded, wondering if it was a disquieting or uncomfortable notion.
“I am uncertain,” Armand answered. “I suppose this will be the place to discover such a thing.”
As we wrapped up the session, I offered Armand the portrait as a take away. He politely declined, but thanked me for an “enlightening session” and asked when we could meet next. We set up an appointment for next week. He bid me a good night, he appeared to bow slightly before stopping himself, simply nodding instead and leaving without another word.
REFLECTION
This being our first session, I am only just getting to know Armand. Much of therapy revolves around the relationship between therapist and client… I have a feeling he is going to be a more difficult case–– not a difficult client, I just get the sense that getting him to open up will be quite the challenge. He seemed to be very suspicious of me and of therapy, which is not surprising seeing as he barely filled out any information on the intake forms beyond what was necessary for billing. I am trying not to let my biases cloud my judgment, but I have found that people from certain cultures and backgrounds tend to be more wary of therapy. This has been true in the past of other South Asian clients, as well as immigrants and religious individuals. I can’t help in my own countertransference, to think of my own second generation American relatives who disbelieve in mental healthcare and frame faith as the cure to what they consider to be personal weakness. I am making many assumptions here which may be totally unfounded, but only time will tell what truths lie beneath the surface of Armand.
I don’t feel this way often with new clients, but something about Armand put me on edge. I felt a strange uneasiness in his presence that I find difficult to articulate. There is more beneath the surface, beneath the carefully curated persona. In this way he is perhaps not solely an art dealer, but a dealer in the art of selling himself. He carefully controls his image, the way others perceive him–– this is why I had him create the version of himself that sat with me in session. I wanted to see the difference in our perception, to uncover what it is he thought he was revealing and what it is I saw in that careful revelation. Before me, based on his body language, the more conceptual and detached nature of his painting, was someone intentionally closed off. He sent the message that he is avoidant of closeness, of vulnerability. At times there appeared to be genuine shock that I was able to read him. It seems he perceives himself as a master of defending his truest self from anyone apart from him. Part of me wonders, despite this being our first meeting, if Armand even knows who he truly is.
He is heavily defended, intellectualizing and repressing his experiences and emotions. Perhaps they are too painful to truly feel. The appearance of composure and control seem central. I admit I am very curious to know the root of this. I suspect he has some identity based trauma, or perhaps developmental/ relational trauma. There are certainly deep attachment wounds. He displays an insecure attachment style. He appears detached , though I don’t think he is wholly avoidant. There is something in the way he reacted to my sketch and curiosity that evoked a yearning to be witnessed and understood. My initial reading of Armand is that he has an anxious-ambivalent attachment style, but is avoidant of closeness initially. Again, this is just a preliminary guess, but again based on the reaction to my art and the content in his own, this is where I’m leaning. I think he was taken aback by my gesture of trust and vulnerability in terms of offering to draw him. I feel that perhaps I subverted many of his expectations and that was disconcerting to him.
I feel there is great significance and symbolism in the eyes he painted. Many art therapists have noted a thematic occurrence of eyes as a metaphor for feeling surveilled. There are many potentials behind this, but I get the sense that Armand has an uncomfortable history with being watched or perceived. It can connote judgment or scrutiny, fear of evaluation or judgment. Eyes also evoke witnessing and being witnessed, part of him likely also yearns to be truly seen. In some cases though, at least anecdotally and in my own experience, the presence of eyes may indicate a history of grooming or sexual abuse. But it is far too early to make such assumptions and would be irresponsible to assign meaning without first exploring Armand’s history. It may be totally benign. It is something to keep in mind. Nonetheless I find it significant that the eyes are so prominent and central, not to mention the red streak, which he stated (most interestingly) was evocative of hunger.
I found his choice of media very telling. It was interesting to me that someone who appeared as controlled and precise as Armand would use such a fluid medium as watercolor. It is one of the least controlled materials, offering very little precision. People who seek control tend to gravitate towards controlled/ resistive media such as pencils, pens, markers, etc. But this is not always the case of course. It seems significant though. Perhaps because he frequently seeks control, in this instance, he needed to surrender to letting go of it. Maybe it was freeing for him to use something so fluid. He did appear to enter a flow state while creating, so it seems this experience was at least somewhat positive. It seems like art making unlocked something within him that he has been trying to disavow. I think perhaps he should be encouraged to embrace it.
INTERPRETATION
This being our first session, I find it difficult to make in depth interpretations of the events, the art, and Armand. I do feel that despite his initial skepticism, Armand is open to the possibility of therapy helping him uncover and process whatever he has suppressed. Despite his restricted expression, there were moments of vulnerability, or lapses in the mask so to speak. It is my interpretation that offering Armand the experience to share how he “showed up” to session gave him a sense of control in the level of vulnerability he displayed. I also believe that in offering to draw him, I gave a gesture of trust and empathy. I suspect that the portrait I drew of Armand both eased tension and created discomfort in the knowledge that my perception of him was not the one he tried to project.
I feel that these reactions are likely due to attachment wounds and identity based trauma. I believe that Armand’s refusal to take my portrait with him further displayed his discomfort with vulnerability and showed that he isn’t ready to confront that version of himself yet. This feels like an area to focus on throughout the duration of the therapy. I believe that continuing to encourage Armand to explore these deeper parts of himself could be validating and freeing for him. Based on this session, I feel that continuing to experiment with portraiture or other identity-based art experientials will be affirming for Armand. I also believe that exploring relationships and relationship history will be an important part of his experience. This includes his relationship to himself and establishing a sense of safety.
SUMMARY AND GOALS
Armand was able to engage with me and the art making process despite his initial trepidation. With encouragement and parallel making, Armand tapped into his own creativity and began to explore his identity and how he is perceived. Moving forward, Armand will work on expanding his understanding of himself by engaging in art making centered on identity and personal narrative. We will incorporate narrative therapy techniques as well as sensory based and mindfulness based art making to strengthen his internal connection to himself, as he seems detached from his internal experiences. He will work on naming emotions and sensations, tying them to earlier experiences in order to create a more holistic and congruent sense of self, potentially leading to positive change in his relationships and emotional processing. Perhaps some internal family systems work would be beneficial as well.