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"I will never allow you to die without my permission, understand, Dazai?"
Chuuya’s hands tightened around Dazai's neck, that beautiful face of his flushed with excitement, emotions out of control transforming his usual appearance into an almost ferocious expression, his voice hoarse with extreme agitation.
Dazai, seemingly calm, gently touched Chuuya's face, hissing in pain with a wry smile, and in a faint, playful voice said, "Chuuya, you're hurting me."
Clearly enraged just a moment ago, Chuuya's heart softened halfway at these words, and he relaxed his grip.
He watched as Dazai's face drew closer, landing a kiss on his lips like a dragonfly skimming the water.
“Wanna do it?" he asked. "I want you."
"Tsk, I really can't do anything about you."
And so, the bandages came undone and spread across the bed. Chuuya returned the kiss, sinking into the moonlit bed filled with the warmth named Dazai.
Truly, he's got me wrapped around his finger, Chuuya thought, sooner or later, he will be the end of me.
Chuuya felt that he had truly spoiled Dazai, indulging him without any limits, which led to Dazai's current facade of obedience while secretly being insincere with all his suicide attempts.
Despite being someone so afraid of pain, Dazai would use his own bandages to tie a noose hanging from the ceiling, only to fall halfway through because he hadn’t tied it securely. Sitting on the ground, Dazai rubbed his bruised knee and looked pitifully at Chuuya, who had rushed in after hearing the noise.
"Chuuya, it hurts..."
Seeing the anxious look on Chuuya's face, Dazai enjoyed being pulled into his embrace, feeling the warmth of Chuuya’s hands on his neck. Chuuya’s eyes were full of concern as he gently rubbed the bruise left by the rope. After the initial heartache, Chuuya’s gentle eyes turned almost pathologically possessive.
"You really make me want to lock you up in a cellar," he said, as if squeezing the words through gritted teeth.
Dazai showed no sign of fear. He looked back at Chuuya with those clear eyes and said sincerely, "If it's you, Chuuya, I don't mind."
No handcuffs could truly restrain him, but if it was for Chuuya, he would willingly keep his hands in them.
Chuuya's gaze softened at these words. "You know I can't bear to," he said, pulling Dazai into a hug and soothingly rubbing his back. He felt Dazai rest his chin on his collarbone, a bitter helplessness welling up inside him.
"Do you really have to go?"
Dazai didn't answer, instead lifting his head to kiss him again.
Chuuya knew this was Dazai's way of avoiding the question, and as usual, he silently allowed it, closing his eyes to focus on the softness of their lips.
Dazai gently bit his lip with his teeth and used his tongue to pry open Chuuya's mouth. As their tongues entwined, he tasted a slight bitterness. Surprised, Dazai looked up at Chuuya, seeing tears spilling from his tightly closed eyes, trailing down his cheeks into their mouths.
It was the taste of sadness.
Feeling the slight tremble of Chuuya's body in his arms, Dazai silently wrapped him in a hug.
Does it make you this sad when I leave?
Then I'll behave.
I won't leave, Chuuya.
Please don't cry, okay?
"Double suicide sounds quite romantic, having company on the road to the underworld.”
Dazai, who was on a mission, thought, since Chuuya didn't agree to let him die, it would be fine for them to die together.
He thought this way until he was submerged in water. The once silent river surface stirred up waves, the water pressure pounded his eardrums, the icy river water invaded his mouth and nose, intruding on the last bit of oxygen.
Blood flowed from the wound on his chest, forming a bloody flower that floated away with the current, scorching hot and tinged with a tragic beauty.
Yet he did not resist. The desire for death that had controlled his body day after day overcame his instinct to survive. This was the perfect opportunity for death that he had longed for, to quietly sink to the bottom of the water and bid farewell to this world.
Being set up on a mission was an accident, not suicide. Chuuya should be able to understand. He thought, letting out a satisfied smile, embracing the water that swallows him in, peacefully closed his eyes.
He felt his body sinking downward, the increasing water pressure indicating that death was drawing closer. The countless ways of dying that he had imagined presented themselves before him, but at this moment, he felt no joy or relief as he had imagined.
The water was so cold, and he missed Chuuya's embrace.
His chest hurt, and he remembered the kiss from Chuuya that he would always receive after being injured. There would be no more of those kisses. Maybe he should have died with Chuuya after all. He felt a tinge of regret. He opened his mouth, feeling the rushing river water, the salty taste reminding him of Chuuya's tears.
If he couldn't return, Chuuya would cry.
He didn't want to make Chuuya sad anymore.
With this thought, he waved his hand to create ripples in the water, trying to reach the sunlight through the water, just like Chuuya's gaze watching him. However, he despaired as he realized that he was too weak from lack of oxygen, and the light on the water's surface gradually faded. The water flooding his nostrils made it impossible for him to breathe. It was then, belatedly, that he felt fear. He had missed the best opportunity to save himself, and a chilling fear spread throughout his body.
He realized that he had someone he cared about in his heart.
He could no longer die peacefully.
"I'm sorry, Chuuya," he thought.
I'm sorry.
In the last few seconds of his consciousness, he silently mouthed.
“I love you, Chuuya.”
"Chuuya, Dazai is dead."
Dead? Surprisingly enough, his first reaction was to laugh. After all, his wish had been fulfilled. He should be happy for the person. The scenes that had been simulated countless times in his mind had now become reality. Chuuya smiled, feeling strangely relieved.
How did he die? Hanging, wrist-slitting, drowning, or overdose. It didn't matter. What mattered was that Dazai was dead. After countless attempts, he had finally achieved his desired death.
With a heart filled with relief for another, Chuuya finished his work and returned home, pushing open the door.
“Bastard Dazai," he shouted, hanging his coat on the wall as usual, waiting for the person inside to come out and embrace him, whispering softly in his ear, "Chuuya, I miss you so much."
But the room remained silent. Without the familiar response, Chuuya furrowed his brow and walked towards Dazai's bedroom, hastily pushing open the door, wondering how Dazai would seek death this time.
The room was empty. The bandages stained with blood from the last time still hung on the wall, swaying faintly in the wind. No one was here, but Chuuya seemed to see Dazai's pale smile from the noose.
It was then that he seemed to suddenly realize that this was not a simulation in his mind. The thing he feared most had happened. Looking at the empty living room, Chuuya felt like a hole had been torn in his heart. His emotions overwhelmed him, and memories spilled out onto the floor, shattered memories reflecting Dazai's image everywhere.
His feigned calm cracked, escalating into a complete breakdown in Dazai's absence. He hurriedly bent down, reaching for the fragments on the floor, trying to piece them together to form Dazai's image. But as he lifted his hand, realising that his hand was covered in blood. Slowly coming back to his senses, he saw the ceramic shards that had fallen to the ground at some point.
There was no trace of Dazai, not even a final illusion to comfort him. "Stupid Dazai," he said. "Damned Dazai." Tears welled up and mixed with the blood on the floor.
"I love you, Chuuya," he seemed to hear Dazai say.
If you love me, then stay with me. What's the point of escaping at the last moment?
"I used to believe in you so much," he said.
"You big liar."
"The person I hate most in my life is Dazai."
Sitting in the empty living room, he grabbed onto the bandage that he pulled off from the ceiling, trying to feel the last remaining warmth belonging to Dazai.
I miss you already.
The lake surface was calm under the sunlight, with a slight ripple. Chuuya lowered his eyes, watching as a familiar head emerged from the water, smiling at him as if nothing mattered.
"You've come, Chuuya." He said.
"Yeah," Chuuya calmly replied, watching Dazai in the water, and said in a warm voice as usual, "come to find you."
Dazai's eyes smiled, and he mouthed silently to Chuuya, "I love you, Chuuya." Then, as he had done countless times before, he reached out his arms to hug him.
"You're impossible," Chuuya thought.
And in that instant, ripples spread across the calm lake surface. Amidst the splashing waves, Chuuya heard his own voice.
"I love you too, Dazai."