Chapter Text
I once had a dream,
A dream so foreign to me that perhaps it was my own wishful thinking that birthed it.
The dream, a beautiful escape from the life I called my reality.
It was a different world , one in which everything that had gone wrong in this one was somehow righted.
In the beginning, it served as a sense of comfort that maybe, somehow, somewhere,
in another life,
I could have had a home.
…it was that naïveté of mine that made it infinitely more painful when I realized that that person, loved by all that hated me, who succeeded where I had failed,
Who wore my face,
Was not me.
That in reality, I was destined to rot in this prison of my own creation.
He was kind,
Kind to the peak lords, kind to Yue Qingyuan, kind to the beast.
It disgusts me, even now.
How dare that child use my body in such a miserable act.
That is the difference between our two worlds. Shen Yuan cared, he empathized, he loved.
But not me.
I regret nothing , I would do it all again. I would make it worse.
This alone was my fate, mine.
Just as it was that stranger’s to obtain everything.
The dreams were torture then, a constant reminder of the life that remained eternally out of my reach.
Jealousy was not a foreign feeling to me , perhaps it had been my only companion through life. Had it been that, that created the foundation of my miserable fate?
It would have been better to have suffered ignorantly than to lie here with the knowledge that another with my face, did not.
Could it be that, that explained why I felt nothing when the shards of that man’s sword were thrown in front of me by the beast .
I felt no fear in the face of consequence.
I never had.
I just wanted it to end. This pathetic display of tragedy, this constant sear of bitter hatred.
I wanted it all to end, so that maybe in death, I could finally be free from it all.
——
Opening his eyes once more had not been something Shen Qingqiu considered after he had basically committed suicide. The jarring sensation of having all his limbs intact and being able to see with two eyes again would have felt better if he had not been caked in grime and sweat.
It was filthy, he was filthy. Filthy in a way he refused to be since he had become a peak lord.
It was not blood though, he could at least appreciate that much.
He had no idea what was going on and it took an embarrassing amount of time for him to find the strength to stand, stumbling forward with no grace whatsoever. It had been years since the last time he had been able to walk, not to mention the malnutrition that this body that did not belong to him, (having limbs and all) had clearly been suffering from.
Somehow, with the tiny body betraying him at every step, he was able to gain some composure and make a few steps worth of progress. The soft squelch of his feet touching the muddy ground was enough to make Shen Qingqiu physically cringe.
He could tell, by the run-down structures, the stench of sickness, and the complete absence of any form of order, that he was in a sort of slum. His body was covered in thin brown fabrics, drenched in rainwater. Truly , what a wonderful return to the land of the living.
He stopped in front of a puddle, glancing at his reflection. The young, untampered eyes of Xiao-Jiu stared back, he had blinked once, then twice, watching the young orphan’s face contort in horror. Of all the sick fucking jokes… he couldn’t help the choked laugh he let out, a cynical grin breaking out on his face.
Was it possible that he had returned to the past? But why? What could have caused something like this?
The beast?
No. If that thing had any semblance of intelligence, he would not have given Shen Qingqiu an opportunity like this.
Did his body still have its talent for cultivation, just as it had in the past, before it had been marked with the touch of cruel men?
It did.
He checked. Once, then twice, then thrice, and then a few more times just to make sure he was not going crazy.
Shen Qingqiu did not know what to think,
an opportunity like this didn’t suit a person like him. Second chances are for weak-willed fools.
But…
This was before all of his suffering.
Before everything.
Then…
If this was before the Qiu’s. Surely, Yue Qingyuan, Qi-ge was still…
He got up, taking in the dilapidated buildings he stood in front of, trying to catch a glimpse of a street child he recognized. Children in worn, bloody robes scurried around, others sat, backs against the wall and slumped over themselves. There were many faces, expressions of hopelessness and anger he knew all too well. but Yue Qingyuan wasn’t there…
He detested the sinking feeling that set into his stomach with every second he searched. No matter where he looked, he could not find what he was looking for. A small part of his mind told him that he never would.
He could not shake the feeling that something was wrong.
Shen Qingqiu could not focus. He knew there was something he was missing, but it just wasn’t clicking. He was disoriented, dehydrated, starved too. That and the mental strain from quite literally dying… it was not helping.
He ran, frantic, searching for the face of the man… boy, who betrayed him. Others eyed him with confusion and wariness, though he paid them no attention.
He needed to know that at least right now, he had not been abandoned yet. If he could just find something that clicked with his memory…
Something familiar…
Wait. That was it, though.
It wasn’t familiar.
in fact…
he could not recognize anything.
The buildings were all off.
He turned, matted hair swinging frantically along, as his eyes searched for something, anything…
…
No… this was not what he thought it was.
A dullness overtook Shen Qingqiu as he realized,
this wasn’t where he grew up. He recognized none of these buildings , none of these streets, not the children.
Nothing.
How had he not realized earlier?
He had spent a long time there as a street child, and even as a slave to the Qius, these memories, even after decades of time, had never truly gone away. He could recite the location of each shop, each child’s number, each crack in each wall.
He had never been here before.
Numb, he walked around, taking in his situation. Shop owners called out to passersby, making a point to ignore any beggars while waving around street food and fruits, trinkets, and toys that Shen Qingqiu had never even seen before.
Slipping into the shadows, Shen Qingqiu stealthily made his way to the richer part of the city. Rotting wood and dull grays began to turn to luxurious buildings and vibrant lights, the atmosphere completely different from just a few steps back. The structures were reminiscent of the wealthy cities he had visited for missions before.
Loud screaming from a far distance caught his attention. Some sort of fight, he thought, going off the tone of the crowd’s whispers. Annoying. He has no interest in petty dramatics.
He slipped into the crowd, weaving through the onlookers and making his way to the commotion, making a point to draw no attention.
“This filth attacked me!” a shrill voice shouted, coming from an expensively dressed woman, face contorted in disgust at the trembling man kneeling before her.
Some things never change. Nobles, no matter where, or when, will always be disgusting. He has seen the type quite often, many, his tormentors in the beast’s harem, many, his own martial siblings.
The man continued begging the woman, softly enough that Shen Qingqiu could not hear it over the screaming. He watched the scene play out just as he had many times over in his past, purely apathetic.
Still, he hated the way the woman acted,
idiotic.
And yet, others conformed and cowered at her feet purely because of her status. The life of that man could be taken from him with just one word of hers. All because she was born more fortunate than him, more fortunate than Shen Qingqiu. Detestable.
But then, looking back, had Shen Qingqiu not also been the same? He had enjoyed seeing others crumble before him, it made him feel powerful. He enjoyed the fear that crept into their eyes when they believed they had done something wrong in his eyes. He would lash out at the smallest slight so that none could ever doubt his authority.
He had also been the one cowering in a corner, fear in every inch of his body, with nothing but blood-stained robes and mud-matted hair. Collecting scars from whips and bruises from slaps. Bowing to the words of another.
He had liked feeling untouchable, so that he could pretend he was never once touched in the past.
Foolish Shen Jiu,
Foolish Shen Qingqiu.
What difference did all of that make in the end?
…
Shen Qingqiu had no reason to continue watching this spectacle. He could just walk away, no one would even realize if he did. Why should he care, why would he interfere when he never had before?
But… he wasn’t Xiao-Jiu with no strength to call his own, without the freedom to do so, and the name Shen Qingqiu no longer belonged to him, he refused to share it and he would much rather not have it at all.
This was a second chance, no? He didn’t need to have a reason. He never needed justification for his actions, he was a free man who could do whatever he wanted without having to, not even to himself.
Sighing he kneeled on the ground, fingers grasping a stone, small and smooth in nature, but just what he needed. He rotated it around with his fingers for a moment, aiming for its best position. Sweat trickled down his chin as he stepped forward, close enough to remain hidden but still have a perfect view of the woman’s face, red from the yelling.
She, with a fan in hand, raised her arm, clearly intending to strike the man. Just as her arm reached above her head, she was struck in the face with a harsh force, sending her directly into the mud.
He was quick to disappear once more. The woman began to wail, cursing in a way unbecoming of a noblewoman, rage all too evident. In her fury demanding her attacker be found, she failed to notice her previous victim scurrying away into an alley, where he would no longer be found by her accusing eyes.
He smirked,
No, he was not a good person. He did not even act out of goodwill, he simply enjoyed toying with people that he disliked.
…
He didn’t do it to be kind.
——
The dreams continued, few and far between as he had not noticed in his previous life. He had long lost track of time in his imprisonment where days became weeks and then years and then even more.
He was free of that now, and was able to look at the sky once again. He was not free of those cursed dreams though, seemingly, they had followed him to his second life.
It is worse now.
Before, he had looked through the impostor’s eyes, saving him the dread that came from seeing the stranger act with his body.
Now though, he was a proper entity in these dreams. He could roam around freely, not exactly tied down to his body, but clearly not on the same plane as everything else.
He kept seeing Shen Qingqiu, smiling a smile so unlike his own, speaking in words so different from his. He watched him do things he would never do, that he would rather die than do. He watched as the beast all but melted at that stranger’s every glance.
Abhorrable.
He watched the way Liu Qingge treated him with gentle affections, face soft in a way that had never been for him. The way he would grin and tease at the traitor Shang Qinghua. The way he seemed to ignore any duty he held as a peak lord and be excused for it by all the others.
The man was a fool and he hated him.
He hated everyone else too. Fools, all of them. He wished them nothing but the worst, truly.
It was that hatred that pushed Shen Jiu. He would become far better in this life, live, and gain everything he wanted without relying on a demon to do his dirty work.
Shen Jiu threw himself into cultivation. With his memories as the Qing Jing peak lord, it was much easier, much faster than it ever had been before. It angered him too, that he could have had this from the start, had he never met the Qius or Wu Yanzi. Still, he was a child, around seven or eight, if he could guess, so even then it was not all that great.
It was far too early for him to practice inedia, but he had made it his goal to remain as inconspicuous as possible, to avoid slavers, sadistic nobles, and whatever else. He just could not care for the hassle that would bring. It made it much more difficult to find food, but he refused to degrade himself in any way.
His disinterest in begging or stealing quickly isolated him from the other children and he found himself alone most of the time, refraining from existing in populated areas. His only source of food was animals he personally hunted or plants he scavenged, if he could find any. Often though, he was left to end the day without filling his stomach, the region’s weather sabotaging him at every turn.
He absolutely detested its unbearable heat. The only salvation was the semi-regular occurrence of rain, even that, though, was annoying. Either he was burning alive or drenched to hell. The constant back and forth between two extremes would not have been so bad, had his cultivation been good enough. It would not have been an issue , but as it stood right now, incredible progress aside, he was still too weak.
Not succumbing to the region’s death trap of an environment, still, was something Shen Jiu could pull off with little effort, if he was not actively looking for it.
Unfortunately, he found himself walking, eyes scanning with purpose. Any stray child or animal who looked his way quickly backed off with a single glance to his face. Sweat dripped down his chin, a steak of dried mud covering half of his face, which did nothing to hide the murderous expression he wore. Fiery jade eyes stared ahead, never once wavering.
The air was dry, the grass was drier, stabbing at the soles of his feet as he continued. He sighed with annoyance, cursing his misfortune… The one time he had decided to go to town and this was what he got.
He had been meaning to scout the general area and maybe gain some additional insight about wherever the hell he was. The scholar was distracted by two men talking about a sort of creature picking off the street children; they had spoken about it in such a casual tone that sparked a wave of sharp anger in Shen Jiu.
Nobles treating the tragedy of their lowers as casual gossip, Typical.
In his distraction, he had been careless and let himself be seen. One of the men, taking one look at Shen Jiu, decided he felt like tormenting the random kid. He was ugly in a way not even a mother could love, and had Shen Jiu been given more time to react, he would have made sure he knew it.
The creature that could barely even be called a man kicked mud in his direction, all while spitting insults at him and turning to walk away.
Shen Jiu seethed, he was ready to absolutely eradicate the bastard from the earth. What's one less abomination anyway?
Now he was out in the blistering heat with nothing but a sharpened rock in his right hand, hunting for some child stealing and potentially eating beast to quell his anger. Every sensible bone in his body was telling him to turn back and not give a shit, but he persisted.
For what reason? He didn’t know.
His life mattered far more to him than that of some random brats, in fact, they didn’t matter to him at all! Yet he still continued, endangering himself on a whim. Spurred by a one-sided hatred for humanity’s most fatal mistake of a person.
Shen Jiu knew he was behaving illogically, had this been his past life, he would never have bothered with something so insignificant… but, it had been a long time since he had been able to act as a cultivator and maybe he had missed the person he pretended to be.
Anyway, aside from his life, he had nothing to lose and all to gain from this experience. If he was lucky, the beast would have some decent meat for him to eat.
He stopped abruptly, thoughts halting momentarily as he noticed a strange indent in the ground. Had he been paying any less attention to his surroundings, he would have mistaken the marks for part of the natural ground. He knew better though.
It seemed like something had passed by the area, something much larger than Shen Jiu. An opponent that would give him a bit of trouble, at least.
Dangerous? Yes.
The only entertainment he’d get since he had been reborn? Also yes.
A twinge of excitement made its way into his chest.
Shen Jiu took his time following the beast’s trail, eyes sharp, scanning for any information that could be of use. The faint chirp of insects, the lazy flow of water, the wind teasing blades of grass, everything seemed completely ordinary. His hand clasped harder at the rock he held, restless, almost.
He finally stopped, reaching the end of the flatlands. Looking forward, he was met with a dark, gloomy-looking forest.
Seriously, how cliche.
The idiot demon should have picked a more creative hiding spot.
He had never visited this forest before, the terrain entirely new to the scholar. Though something as trivial as unfamiliarity had never once stopped him from getting things done.
He continued into the forest, and almost instantly, it was quiet. The only sound he could hear was that of his own breath. The creature’s doing, no doubt. Perhaps it enjoyed a bit of psychological warfare? A shame its opponent is Shen Jiu.
He smiled, malicious and gleeful.
He would turn this thing into minced meat.
Leaves and sticks crunched under his feet as he unflinchingly walked deeper into the forest. All sunlight that had been there when he entered had vanished, disappearing into the night.
He attempted to find trace of demonic qi and use it to track the demon. A futile endeavor, as he quickly realized.
…so he was left to manually search the entire forest.
Shen Jiu had lost track of how long he had been in the damn forest, searching mindlessly without any lead. He’d long lost any thrill he might have had in the beginning, his only hope now was that it would be over quickly.
He sighed in resignation, weaving his way through thin tree branches, gracefully batting away any that neared his face.
It was when he approached the same tree stump for what felt like the hundredth time, that he finally snapped. By the fourth time of encountering it he had slashed it with his rock to mark it- and to make sure he was not going insane. Now he was back in the same spot, with the same tree that had the same carvings.
He couldn’t restrain the aggravated scream he let out.
That’s it.
Fuck the demon. Fuck the children. Fuck whatever he was hoping to accomplish by coming here.
He was leaving. He didn’t care anymore.
Not his problem.
The abrupt sound of a twig breaking behind him made him jolt, he whipped his body around at inhuman speed, his eyes narrowing as he tried to locate the cause. He tensed his body in a defensive stance, hands clasped on his weapon in front of himself.
He looked to the left, nothing but trees and darkness. Right, the same thing. Up…? Still. Nothing. If he had any belief that he was hunting the creature, it was gone now.
Had It been following him the entire time? Had it known he was here? Was it toying with him?
He felt like a fool for not noticing before.
It probably didn’t help that he matched the characteristics of the type of victim the creature enjoyed hunting too well, a fact he had ignorantly overlooked.
He took a step backward, pressing himself to a tree. It would be foolish of him to remain standing with such an obvious blind spot, when he didn’t even know where the thing was, or what it was. He readied his rock, intent on striking at the first thing that moved.
Nothing did.
Shen Jiu was not one to make such basic mistakes, the Shen Qingqiu of old never would have. He was much weaker as of now, he could not afford to miscalculate, to become complacent. He felt like a fool.
He cursed under his breath, shuddering. A cold, wet entity touched his shoulder from behind and he shot into action, launching himself forward, away from the assailant, turning around in the same breath.
“…”
“Oh, shit . ”
That was the biggest fucking thing he had ever seen, and it was also a creature Shen Jiu had never even heard of before. This amalgamation of liquid and miscellaneous garbage was definitely not a demon- it was no wonder that Shen Jiu did not detect it while searching for demonic qi.
A violent gurgling sound came from the creature, incomprehensible and loud.
What the hell even was this thing?!
The ground beneath him, in an instant, noticeably began to soften, as if it was dissolving. His eyes shot downward, an expanding puddle of water meeting his gaze.
Shen Jiu let out a strained smirk, cringing.
Unnoticeably sinking, his feet were halfway deep into the strange puddle, the unnatural liquid numbing the senses of what it touched.
So this is how this damn thing took its victims, wonderful .
Not wanting to be engulfed by it, he stepped back onto firm land pushing himself off the floor. He gracefully landed on a thick tree branch, shoddy robes flowing in the light breeze. Shen lost his balance the second he secured a position on the branch, sabotaged by the lack of sense in his feet.
He buried his nails deep into the side of the tree, straightening himself with its help. With the change of perspective, he was able to analyze the creature, looking through its clear layers.
Remains,
human, if he could guess, and most likely the conduit driving the creature.
The thing turned its head, facing him directly. He glared down at it as it raised one of its limbs. A shot of water sped at him, carving a hole straight through the tree he stood on, missing him by an inch.
His eyes widened in shock as he looked at it. It finally sunk in just how quickly he could die, should he make one wrong move.
He began weaving through the trees, dodging any projectile attacks from the creature. Any lapse in combat, he took to try and find the creature's weak spot. He sent a flurry of qi-enhanced leaves at it, speeding fast into their large target.
Shen Jiu barely had enough time to see the leaves get engulfed by the damn thing before a ray of water shot at him, grazing his side.
He kept moving, the pain muffled by the adrenaline. The creature was slower than he was, giving him time to land on another branch and check his injury.
Shen Jiu reached down his hand to the wound, touching it and then bringing his hand back out in front of himself. It stung.
Red covered his vision, he was bleeding.
A trembling began in his hands and a deep dread enveloped him. He hated it. Its metallic smell bringing back memories of cold chains and the slow drip of water.
Vicious crimson eyes peered down at him, anxiously waiting for a display of weakness that would never come.
Shen Qingqiu remained unresponsive, his singular eye glaring downward at the end of the demon’s luxurious robes. He refused to break at the hands of the beast, refused to show him the fear that festered inside.
He would not break for Luo Binghe.
But...
Luo Binghe?
There was no Luo Binghe.
There was no Shen Qingqiu.
He was not there anymore.
Then… where was he, now?
His body shoved itself forward instinctively, bringing Shen Jiu out of a daze, missing the water that aimed at his head.
Ah, the beginnings of a qi deviation?
He lost his footing, limply falling from the branch, his body shooting towards the ground at a rapid speed.
Shen Jiu’s body hit a lower branch with a thundering impact, knocking the air out of his chest. He sucked in a painful breath, eyes wide with panic. With his last remaining strength, he clung to the branch, letting out a series of choked gasps, trying to take in more air.
The creature was getting closer and Shen Jiu was currently incapacitated, physically and mentally. He turned his head to the side and watched, with blurred vision, as the abomination charged at him through the trees.
He let out another choked breath.
Is this truly how he would die?
What a fool he was, to think he could accomplish something in this life.
He began to lose strength in his arms and he felt his body begin to slide down. The creature had caught up to him too, it was seconds away from reaching him.
Shen Jiu knew he was falling, he knew he would die, be it from the impact of hitting the ground or being consumed by that thing.
It was strange,
Logically speaking, this life was less valuable than his first. This time, he was a person with nothing, and yet, the thought of parting with this life felt much more painful.
Why?
Why didn’t he want to die?
He was falling to his death and he could do nothing to prevent it, but he didn’t want this. Not this time.
He didn’t want to die.
An unnatural shrieking pierced the silence as a vein of pure lightning passed him by. A moment later, Shen Jiu was no longer falling, his vision captivated by a color of vibrant violet. It was soft and Shen Jiu couldn’t help but lean in closer as he faded in and out of consciousness.
He was jolted forward as the shrieking made its appearance again. He weakly lifted his head towards the noise.
The lightning whipped around, striking at the creature as it screeched in pain. The lightning seemed to dance, obeying its wielder. Its wielder, he looked up, a vicious, elegant-looking woman and… his savior.
She was able to cleanly fight, smoothly dodging and attacking in a beautiful dance, all with Shen Jiu carried in her arm. The creature was being pathetically batted around with ease. If in his right mind, perhaps he would have felt bitter about it. In the moment though, he could only appreciate the beauty of it all.
Then, when the beast revealed a weak spot, the woman used the lightning whip to wipe the creature’s head straight off with an incredible display of power. It let out one last gurgle before it flopped to the ground and the water lost its shape.
He heard the woman lay out a satisfied hum as she watched it fall.
The woman began to speak, a natural tone of authority in her voice.
“Why were you out in the forest on your own?”
“…”
She dropped him down against a tree, Shen Jiu winced at the abrupt drop.
“Brat, I know you are awake.”
He looked up at her, glaring defiantly. It had been a long time since Shen Jiu had been treated like he was nothing more than an unruly child… oh .
… Regardless of what his appearance was , he did not have to take this disrespect!
She sighed, annoyance in her voice as she continued, “Disrespectful. Then at least tell me what your name is.”
“She..” his voice cut out and he began to cough. After an awkward moment where the two remained still, listening to him as he forgot how to properly breathe, he was finally able to collect himself.
“My name is Shen Jiu.”
“Shen Jiu… you did well fending off the attacks on your own for this long, you must be quite talented then? Extend your wrist.”
What was this? Some sort of interrogation?
The woman took his wrist in her hand and scanned him. He attempted to pull his wrist away, but the woman had the grip of a man twice her size; he was not able to make it so much as budge from its position.
“Your cultivation is exceptional, it is no wonder you were able to survive this long,” she said in wonder, looking him directly in the eyes.
“Tell me, how old are you?”
He had stopped counting after forty.
“I am not entirely sure, but I believe I am around the age of eight,” he responded, matching her stare.
“You do not know your own age?” The woman seemed incredulous.
Ignorant.
“I have lived my entire life on the streets, how would I?” He snapped back defensively.
“Oh, have you? You seem entirely too well-read for that to be true.”
Shit.
Curiously, she kneeled down, matching his height, “have you had a teacher?”
“I have not. Everything I know, I have learned on my own.”
Not inherently untrue, he was self-taught for most of his life, aside from the bullshit Wu Yanzi taught him, and his shizun on Qing Jing peak rarely interfered with his studies.
“You realize the dangers that come with that, correct?”
“And what of it? Everything here is dangerous. Rather than be picked off by some low-level beast, I would much prefer the risk of doing things on my own,” he stood, defensive and guarded.
Why does this woman care so much?! Could she just leave him be?
The woman stood as well, “you are brave,” she smiled, “that, or you are idiotically arrogant.”
The air was filled with tension as the two remained in a standoff. Shen Jiu just wanted to leave the damn place!
“I am confident in my skills, I am sure that I Can back my claims well”
“Your wounds beg to differ, Shen Jiu.”
He flushed a bright red, furious. This was humiliating.
“That is not-!”
“Come with me,” she said, interrupting him abruptly.
“Huh?”
“I am giving you an offer to become my disciple.”
She scrutinized him, frowning, “On second thought, rest first, we will speak of this come morning.”
She passed by his side, quickly striking at the back of his neck before he was able to react.
Shen Jiu felt himself fall forward.