Chapter Text
“NICOLE!”
The girl in question jolted with enough force to cause a couple ant species to go extinct. “Holy shit, you’ve been staring at my tits for at least, like, 5 minutes. What’s going on!?” Jecka semi-yelled, somehow looking like she both wanted to murder her AND give her head at the same time.
“Chill the fuck out, I’m trying to think about how to brutally kill myself.” she replied, only half-joking. “Also, they are really pretty.” Jecka got a bit red at that, but she quickly noticed Nicole staring blankly at her tiddies again.
“NICOLE! You did it again, what the fuck’s happening?” That got Nicole to actually snap out of it.
“Of course I’m tripping on shit, what else would I be doing? It’s just… I’ve been thinking about some things recently, “ she said with a sigh. “I’m just worried about the Tuareg rebellion.”
“The twa-what now? What the fuck’s Twarreg?” Jecka questioned. “Is it some, like, poor-ass Asian country?”
“No, bitch, the Tuareg people of the Sahara, who are finally fighting for their freedom after centuries of oppression.” Nicole said, in a deadpan voice.
“Why the fuck do you sound like one of those crazy Jesus people? Are you on crack right now - is that what this is?” Jecka interrogated. She had a look on her face in between bewilderment and worry.
“Nah - I was up all night making this plan to get us both out of here. Wanna hear it?” Nicole was right up in Jecka’s face.
“Hell no, bitch, you’re clearly on, like, I dunno. Why the hell do you sound so serious about this? You look like one of those tinfoil hat people.” Jecka leaned back a bit, trying to squirm out of this conversation. Oh well, she’d just wake up the next day and everything would be-
“How the fuck did you get that thing?” Jecka screamed in terror as Nicole pulled a shotgun out of her bag and started pointing it at her.
“Not important, get in the car and drive or I’ll blow my head off.” she said, completely serious.
“Uh, aren’t you supposed to, like, threaten the other person?” Jecka responded, still slightly terrified.
Nicole’s eyes narrowed. “Oh shit you’re right. Whatever, get in the car.” Jecka obliged, after all she didn’t want her future wi- best friend to die, even less right in front of her.
4 HOURS LATER
“Uh, how the fuck-” Jecka was cut off by Nicole yanking her into the door. “I got the most corrupt Liberian sailors you can imagine to ship us to Monrovia. I’ll tell you the whole story once we’re out of port,” she responded, almost as if she had rehearsed the whole thing.
She opened her eyes to see a spartan cabin. Not as if she’d been on any actual boats before, but the thing was pretty nondescript. Barring the machine guns on the deck. How the fuck did she get this thing??? she thought. Kinda hot, I want her to fuck me with that thing.
“So, Nicole, are you gonna keep groping me or are you gonna explain what’s going on here?” she asked.
“Oh, right.” Nicole gave her ass one last smack before she put her hands behind her back. “So, do you want the long story or the short one?” Jecka put up a finger. “Not like I’m in a hurry or anything.”
“So…”
2 WEEKS EARLIER
“...and so that’s why I’m planning on staging a coup.” the man ended his monologue. Somehow Nicole had listened to the whole thing, maybe she could get into the diplomatic service with how much she retained.
“Got it, your people are being oppressed and shit. Real sorry about that. Anyway, can I have those cigs?” Nicole responded. Shit, that was interesting!
“Yes, yes. But I would like to offer you something worth more than lung cancer. Here is my friend’s number, he’s the leader of a militia. If you’d like to help us out… give him a call. We need all the help we can get.” He handed her a card, with a number and something in weird ass Arabi-whatever-gobbledegook writing under it. “Thank you for listening to the plight of my people.” he ended, getting back in his beat-up Saab and driving off, hitting a squirrel as he did.
Nicole stared at the card for a while. There’s no way I’m ever gonna call this, right? That’s some heartthrob donate-to-charity shit.
She dialed the number.
5 DAYS LATER
“That is what we are currently planning right now, as for attacks on government forces. In Timbuktu we have already…” She could almost hear her own hormones flowing into her dead brain to tell her how boring this shit was.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s cool and all, but how can I get drugs outta this? Also, wasn’t this for some like donation-bake sale shit? Why’re you telling some high-school girl your whole battleplan?” The man hid a frown. “Well, if you’d like that kind of reimbursement, I’m afraid you’ll have to go there yourse-”
Well, not like she was gonna stay in this shithole anyway. “I’m down. How can I get there, and can I take hot babes with me?” she responded, cutting off the man while he was speaking. He raised an eyebrow at that, but he responded after a few seconds.
“Well, miss, I can’t guarantee her safety, but nobody will stop you. Just pay enough and you can get away with anything.” he said, not sure whether to be proud or sad that people were that corrupt.
“Right, I’ll do it then. When did you say the pickup was going to be?” she replied.
“I never said that, but…”
1 WEEK LATER
“So, you asshats finally got everything together?” Nicole asked. The Liberian nodded. “The boat is traveling over from St. Lucia as we are speaking. There will be an armed escort for you and your friend as we approach any coast.” the man said, a slight change in tone on the word “friend.”
“Good, good. How about when we get to Monrovia? What happens then?” she asked.
“The AFL will have another armed escort for you when you reach the city. There you will meet up with…” Nicole cut him off.
“What the fuck does Liberia want to do with me? What, is the AFL gonna make me their new commander? I mean, I know they’re short on competent people after the civil wars but come on. ” she stated, a scoff escaping her throat after.
“Well… I was pretty vague when I was informing them about everything… I just said an American was coming to help our Tuareg patrons and they basically freaked out and put a lot of their resources into this thing. So… don’t make me look like a dumbass, alright?”
Nicole couldn’t help but laugh.
PRESENT
“...and so that’s how I got this boat.” Nicole ended, leaning back in her chair.
There was only one thing on Jecka’s mind at that point.
What the fuck.