Chapter Text
More tea was spat out all over the place, this time from Mu Qing.
“Excuse me?” he said, eyes twitching. “Maybe you misheard us. We’re literally offering you a chance at godhood. Immortality, fame, powers beyond your wildest dreams! And you’re turning it down?!”
It was incomprehensible - and incredibly aggravating. The group had spent the past 24 hours dealing with each other, even going so far as to share a tiny room in a stuffy inn, and now it was all going to be for naught?
Feng Xin nearly flipped the table in rage - the only thing holding him back was the sweet cookies that were carefully laid on top of it, barely coaxing his explosive temperament back down.
“I understand that,” Mo Tao said politely. “But still, I must decline. I belong here.”
There was fondness in his eyes as he spoke; it was easy to see how attached he was to his humble abode, a place that likely held a wealth of memories.
Even so, as the resident expert in ascensions, Xie Lian was stunned.
“Mo-gongzi, may I ask for your reasoning?” he said. “Being a god certainly has a fair share of perks. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who said no…”
Xie Lian’s voice trailed off. There was one person who had declined before, and he was sitting right next to him with a smug smirk on his face.
Mo Tao looked around his little home, his gaze landing on a quaint memorial shrine in the corner. Hanging above it was a hand-drawn portrait of a middle-aged woman with a kind smile.
Eyeing that portrait, Mo Tao said wistfully, “My passion is medicine. I want to do whatever I can to ensure that people don’t succumb to terrible diseases. If I can cure even one more person, then it’ll all be worth it. And… I just don’t think I’ll be able to do that if I’m in the Heavenly Realm.”
Xie Lian felt a few tears well up in his eyes - Mo Tao was truly a respectable individual! But that very beautiful moral supremacy put Xie Lian in a bit of a bind. If they didn’t sort out this mess, he and Wei Wuxian would likely pay the price.
While Xie Lian mentally fumbled around for a path forward, Hua Cheng restlessly tapped the table.
Hua Cheng had been very patient, all day long. And that patience had just snapped.
He shot up and towered over Mo Tao, who shrunk in his seat like a frightened rabbit, nearly quivering in his boots.
“Have it your way,” Hua Cheng said, scoffing. “Enjoy fighting Binu for the rest of your life - which will be quite short, by the way.”
Mo Tao was visibly taken aback by the blunt, callous words from the man exuding malice. “What do you mean by that?”
“Exactly what I said,” Hua Cheng replied coldly. “The reason your little hamlet here is overrun with monsters is because of this mess. Like it or not, your fate is in the Heavenly Realm. By refusing to acknowledge that, you’re inviting in a whole slew of trouble. It won’t stop until you drag your pathetic self up there.”
“But, my research…” Mo Tao said gravely.
Hua Cheng laughed. “Ah yes, research. I imagine you’ll find a wealth of valuable knowledge when you’re six feet under.”
“San Lang!”
Xie Lian pinched the angry man in the thigh, then pulled him back down onto a cushion. “Mo-gongzi, please forgive him. He can be a little harsh. But he’s not lying, unfortunately… As things stand, your life really is in danger.”
Mo Tao looked quite troubled; he awkwardly picked at his bandages, and his eyes trained on the floor. Xie Lian even felt a little bad for him - not only had his life been threatened constantly for the past 24 hours, but their group had randomly barged into his home, forcing this strange fate into his lap.
Thankfully, Wei Wuxian stepped in to give their acquaintance a little extra push. “Let me give you a little piece of advice as a newly-ascended god: take the damn deal.”
Mo Tao slowly lifted his drooping head. “…Wei-gongzi?”
“You’re a researcher, right? They’ve got one hell of a library up in the Heavenly Realm. This guy can vouch for that,” Wei Wuxian boasted, slinging his arm around Lan Wangji.
“Your reading speed will also increase,” Lan Wangji added. “It will prove valuable to your future endeavors.”
Mo Tao’s head was held high once more. “R-Really?”
Lan Wangji silently nodded.
“I bet it’ll help your research in ways you could only dream of,” Wei Wuxian continued. “Plus, it’s not like you’re stuck with the job forever. If you don’t like it, then you can just quit!”
Wei Wuxian casually smiled, while Xie Lian’s face paled - Ling Wen definitely wouldn’t like the sound of the word ‘quitting’. But as long as they could get Mo Tao where he belonged, he wasn’t going to argue.
He patiently waited for Mo Tao’s answer, desperately clasping his hands together as if in prayer.
Mo Tao took another look at the portrait on the wall before closing his eyes. He looked deep in thought, clearly trying to steady his uneven breathing. Contrary to what he’d said earlier, he didn’t really look like he handled change all that well.
But surprisingly, when Mo Tao finally opened his eyes again, they were filled with determination.
“Alright, I’ll… I’ll do it,” Mo Tao said resolutely. “I’ve seen what all of you are capable of. With the powers of a god, I’m sure that I’ll be able to help even more people!”
Mu Qing coughed.
“So, is anyone going to tell him…?” he mumbled.
Xie Lian laughed awkwardly. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Mo Tao that he was essentially being appointed to the Heavenly Realm to do paperwork - but there would be time to sort through that later.
“Thank the fucking heavens!” Feng Xin exclaimed.
It was as if the sun had just come out after a long week of torrential rain. A resolution was finally in sight, and he wasn’t going to let the agonizing situation drag out any further. He abruptly stood up and impatiently tapped his feet.
“Wei Wuxian, hurry up and do the damn transfer,” he ordered.
Mo Tao looked around, restlessly twirling his thumbs. “We’re doing it right now? But I… I haven’t even had time to prepare, and I still have a lot of cleaning to do around the house and-”
Hua Cheng, the other incredibly exasperated member of the group, swiftly cut off Mo Tao’s stream of babbling with a piercing glance. Mo Tao’s mouth slammed shut as if he’d been spellbound. He nodded obediently.
“Wei Wuxian,” Hua Cheng ordered, lazily tapping the table. “Let’s get this over with.”
But Wei Wuxian didn’t move. He was firmly rooted to his seat like he’d just been petrified. Slowly, he lifted his hand and pointed at himself. “Hua Cheng, I think I misheard. Did you just call me… Wei Wuxian?”
Hua Cheng was unimpressed. “I know you’ve got a few screws loose, but have you really forgotten your own name?”
“You’re not calling me a m-m-m…” Wei Wuxian trailed off, unable to speak the frightening word. Just saying ‘mutt’ would likely send him crashing to the floor.
“I didn’t realize you were so fond of my little nickname,” Hua Cheng said with a dangerous smile. “Don’t hold back. I’ll gladly keep calling you a mutt until your heart gives out, if you’d prefer.”
Though the two looked like they were exchanging verbal blows, Xie Lian knew better; this was an amazing development! It seemed that in Hua Cheng’s eyes, Wei Wuxian had been promoted from ‘parasitic’ to ‘tolerable’.
He lightly squeezed Hua Cheng’s arm and leaned onto his shoulder. “Thank you, San Lang. I’m really happy to see you two getting along so well!”
Mo Tao, silently watching the strange exchange, couldn’t help but tilt his head in confusion. This was considered ‘getting along well’?
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian said, latching onto his husband around the neck. “Spring is in bloom! Hua Cheng likes me!”
Lan Wangji’s eyebrow twitched slightly.
Mu Qing’s exasperated, and well-warranted, sigh filled the air. “Can we please get back on track? Hurry up and exchange spiritual energy so we can all go home.”
“Right, right,” Wei Wuxian said. He reluctantly pried himself away from Lan Wangji and stood up, beckoning for Mo Tao to follow him.
The two men faced each other, eyes clear and unwavering. To the others, it was an eerie sight - as if Wei Wuxian had pulled his own reflection out of the mirror and given it life.
“If you shake my hand, I’ll be able to transfer your godhood back,” Wei Wuxian explained. “It’s actually a lot easier than you might think.”
Lan Wangji watched over the doppelganger duo like a hawk; there would be no surprise kisses, hugs, back massages, or foot rubs - not on his watch.
“A handshake,” Lan Wangji firmly reminded his husband. “Nothing more.”
Wei Wuxian laughed out loud, desperately holding himself back from reminding his jealous husband that Mo Tao was technically his half-brother. And at that moment, he was extremely grateful that they’d settled on a handshake over a kiss.
With a firm nod, Wei Wuxian stretched his hand out; Mo Tao confidently grabbed on. And then he held on. And then he kept holding on. And then, he didn’t let go.
“...Isn’t this just holding hands!?” Mu Qing shouted.
“No,” Lan Wangji swiftly replied. “This is a handshake.”
That deliriously addictive power that had pumped through Wei Wuxian’s veins gradually flowed out of his fingertips like water, leaving his body as naturally as it had come in.
And just like that, he gave up his brief taste of godhood.
But still, he smiled. It was a mixup; it was never supposed to happen. And it wasn’t like he was truly-empty handed. The charms, the battle, and even the brief chance to use a sword again. The memories alone were a precious gift.
Mo Tao stood in perfect stillness, clutching onto Wei Wuxian’s hand tightly. His face softened when he looked up and stared into the eyes that looked so much like his own. With a kind smile, he gingerly lifted his other hand and placed it on top of Wei Wuxian’s, a humble gesture of gratitude.
His hand didn’t stay there for long, though; shivers ran up his entire spine when he met Lan Wangji’s piercing gaze, and he reflexively yanked his hands back as if he’d been burned.
“So?” Xie Lian asked, anxiously swaying back and forth. “Did it work? How will we know it was a success?”
“Mo-gongzi, why don’t you test out your new powers?” Wei Wuxian suggested, twirling his hand around. “The palm torch is my personal favorite. All you have to do is-”
But Mo Tao was already gone; he’d nosedived into his bookshelf, pulling out a well-worn text.
Slivers of his shimmering eyes barely peeked over the top of the page, and he excitedly exclaimed, “Y-You were right! This is fantastic! My reading speed really did -”
Before he could finish his thought, a thunderous crack boomed.
The world around Mo Tao began to shake violently, knocking over his immaculately organized shelves. A mystical, magical light split through the ominous clouds and smashed through the roof, wrapping Mo Tao in a blinding aura.
Like he’d been sucked into a powerful vortex, Mo Tao was suddenly lifted off the ground and flung through the ceiling and into the sky with impressive force. His desperate cries pierced the air, slowly growing fainter and fainter until they dissolved into nothingness as he ascended all the way to the Heavens.
The room fell silent. A few broken planks plummeted to the ground with a thud.
Xie Lian was too stunned to move, even though he'd experienced the same thing before - and three times, no less. Hua Cheng grabbed his stupefied husband by the shoulders and pulled him back just before a crumbling piece of the ceiling could bonk him on the head.
Wei Wuxian laughed out loud.
“I think it worked.”
***
The group congregated outside the remnants of Mo Tao’s fractured home. With Mo Tao’s ascension, the dark, looming clouds were immediately lifted. The sun shone bright in the sky, basking the group in a comfortable glow. The oppressive fog was gone, and in its place came a refreshing breeze.
Xie Lian pulled out his coin purse and left several coins just inside the entrance to Mo Tao’s home, mumbling, “Hopefully this will cover the damages…”
When he emerged, the rest of his companions were standing still, staring up into the vast, cloudless sky.
Among them were two martial gods, heavily caked in a crusted Binu sludge - his two trusted former servants who had gone out of their way to help him, again. Though their stench was still quite rancid, Xie Lian didn’t falter and casually approached the duo, a soft smile on his face.
“Feng Xin, Mu Qing. What will you do now?”
Still staring up into the expansive sea of blue in the sky, Feng Xin answered, “Your Highness, we’ll go up there and handle things with Deputy Mo. He’s probably pretty damn confused right about now.”
Mu Qing nodded. “Since we’ve straightened things out, I don’t think Ling Wen will be too pissed at us. She ended up with the real Mo Tao, after all. And this one actually knows how to do his damn job and won’t burn down her temple,” he said, giving Wei Wuxian a side glance.
“Are you sure about that?” Wei Wuxian called out, gesturing towards the broken, charred building behind them.
“...Still, it won’t hurt to do a little damage control. We’ll make sure things don’t get out of control,” Feng Xin added. “Don’t worry about it, Your Highness.”
Though their words seemed kind and genuine, they both really just wanted to wrap everything up and go home. Out of everyone, the two martials gods had arguably endured the worst fate of all. The once repugnant smell of Binu sludge was starting to grow familiar, to the point that they almost didn’t even notice it anymore - that, or their noses had lost all sensation.
As the two spun on their heels and prepared to leave, Xie Lian called out to them once more.
“Thank you both. For everything,” he said, a sincere smile plastered on his face. “We would’ve been in serious trouble without your assistance.”
“...Really, gege? If I recall correctly, all these two did was cry and moan the entire time?”
Feng Xin glared at Hua Cheng’s smug face before glancing back at Xie Lian, or rather, Xie Lian’s boots. He didn’t dare make eye contact as he awkwardly mumbled, “You’re…welcome,” as if it was a foreign language that he’d never spoken before.
And after a few brief moments of tense silence, he quietly added, “...And take good care of the fish.”
Xie Lian’s face paled. Without the reminder, he probably would’ve forgotten all about the two fish who had been helplessly left behind at the inn.
“R-Right, the fish…Will do…” he replied.
Before the two martial gods could dart off into the sky, Wei Wuxian lightly jogged to their sides. He moved to wrap his arms around their shoulders but instantly stopped himself when he caught a glimpse of the lingering slime. Instead, he held his hands up for a couple of high-fives.
“Thanks for the help!” he said cheerfully, still patiently waiting for high-fives that would likely never come. “You guys aren’t half-bad. Next time we meet, let’s go for a little less bondage and a little more alcohol, alright?”
Feng Xin slapped Wei Wuxian’s outstretched hand away.
“Why do you have to make everything sound so damn filthy?!” he shouted.
With another exaggerated sigh, Feng Xin pinched his forehead. “Listen, I don’t have the slightest fucking clue why, but His Highness seems to like you… So, I’m not going to say you two can’t keep screwing around, or whatever the hell you do when you’re together. That said, alcohol is definitely off limits! His Highness can’t handle it.”
Wei Wuxian chuckled. “Believe me, I know.”
“Good. Wait - what?!” Feng Xin yelled, spinning around. “Your Highness, what does he mean by that?”
It was Xie Lian’s turn now to avoid eye contact like the plague. He stared up at the sky and muttered, “It was a one-time event. I promise I’ve learned my lesson…”
At that moment, they looked less like a prince and his former servant and more like a parent scolding his naughty child. Smoke practically bellowed out of Feng Xin’s ears, and he looked ready to embark on an hour-long lecture about the dastardly evils of alcohol and Wei Wuxian.
Instead, he threw his hands up and muttered to himself, “You know what, I’m not going to deal with this today. I’ve had enough. I’m going home...”
With that, he dramatically bounded and leapt into the sky, comfortably riding the divine winds all the way back to the Heavenly Realm.
Mu Qing tsked a few times - he too had a few choice words for Xie Lian and his mischievous friend, but he opted to look the other way.
“Wei Wuxian,” he said, folding his arms. “You’re… Well, you’re a freak.”
His harsh words didn’t deter Wei Wuxian in the slightest; he proudly slinked forward, poking his finger into Mu Qing’s scowling cheeks. “And?”
Mu Qing swatted his hand down and spun around, but not before Wei Wuxian caught a glimpse of the tiniest little blush on his face.
“Even though you’re a freak… You’re not that bad. But stay the fuck out of the Heavenly Realm from now on,” Mu Qing added, as if giving a compliment without peppering it with an insult was a severe blow to his pride.
With that, he lazily waved his hand and took off.
With the two screeching martials gods gone, the mortal realm became relatively quiet again. Things were slowly beginning to return to a semblance of normal.
On weary, unsteady feet, Xie Lian wobbled towards the sweeping cliffside and immediately collapsed to the ground, nearly melting into a puddle of Binu sludge himself.
“I-It’s over… It’s finally over,” he mumbled deliriously.
Wei Wuxian laughed and plopped down right next to him, slinging a comfortable arm around his friend’s slim shoulders.
They were a striking picture together - one cloaked in white, the other donned in all-black, both wrapped in dazzling golden rays of light. Peeking out from their sleeves were two vivid red bracelets - the common thread between them.
“Lian-gege,” Wei Wuxian said, leaning into Xie Lian. “We’ve been through a lot together, but this might have been our craziest adventure yet. How the hell are we gonna top this?”
“I really hope that we don’t find a way to top it,” Xie Lian replied. “I think I’ve taken several hundred years off my life with this mishap...”
Wei Wuxian laughed easily, squeezing his friend’s shoulders a little tighter. His vibrant voice rolled off the weaves of grass around them, a comforting sound.
“But it all worked out in the end, didn’t it? Just like you said it would,” he replied with an honest smile.
“I suppose so,” Xie Lian said, smiling as he turned to look at his companion.
The man was like a magnet for mischief, yet he handled every devastating force that came his way as if it were the tiniest trifle in the world. And in his confident, comforting presence, Xie Lian couldn’t help but relax.
“Hopefully the real Deputy Mo will do alright up there. You’ll have to keep me posted, alright?” Wei Wuxian cheerfully said. His booming voice quieted slightly as he added, “Wait, I guess that’ll be a little tricky from now on, huh…”
Even Xie Lian’s sparkling eyes dimmed a little bit. “Ah, that’s right. I suppose now that you’re no longer a god, we won’t be able to use the communication array anymore…”
Wei Wuxian had only used the communication array for a day, yet it had quickly become his favorite invention. He mentally committed to figuring out how to design something similar when he returned home.
Just for fun, Wei Wuxian tapped his forehead and mumbled Xie Lian’s password one more time, knowing full well that it wouldn’t work.
Surprisingly, it worked.
Though Xie Lian’s lips weren’t moving, Wei Wuxian could hear him speaking in his head as clear as day. He couldn’t fight the inevitable smile spreading ear-to-ear on his excited face.
Lan Wangji and Hua Cheng, who had been silently standing behind the pair, graciously putting aside their burning tempers to give the two friends a chance to chat comfortably, sensed that something was going on behind the scenes.
“Gege? What’s going on?” Hua Cheng asked, casually strolling to his husband’s side.
“Apparently, Wei Wuxian has some lingering side effects from being a god,” Xie Lian answered. “The communication array seems to be working just fine.”
Xie Lian was truly confounded, though not displeased. In a sense, giving up one’s godhood was no different than banishment; they’d be stripped of all their powers, left to their own devices as a mortal.
Just how had Wei Wuxian managed to retain a little piece?
“You really are something else,” he whispered with a smile.
“Man, it’s just one surprise after another today!” Wei Wuxian said, laughing heartily. He swirled his palm around a few times, but expectedly, his trusty palm torch was nowhere to be seen.
He then hopped over to his husband. While he gave Lan Wangji a few pecks on the cheek as a distraction, his mischievous hands grazed over Lan Wangji’s hips, pinching him slightly before quickly unsheathing Bichen.
When Wei Wuxian had wielded Mu Qing’s sword earlier, the heavy blade felt lighter than a feather. Yet Lan Wangji’s sword, despite being the smaller of the two, felt like a sack of iron in comparison; he could barely hold it steady, let alone swing it around.
“Weird. Looks like the communication array is the only thing I can still use. Not that I’m complaining, though. Lian-gege, now we can talk anytime we want!”
“Wonderful,” Hua Cheng said sarcastically.
At the sight of his husband playing around with Bichen, Lan Wangji panicked and hurriedly snatched it out of his hands, giving him a strange, reprimanding look.
“You are no longer permitted to touch Bichen.”
Wei Wuxian smiled, flashing a flirty grin. “I just wanted to see if I could swing it around a few times. Hanguang-jun, just what did you think I was going to do? Hmm?”
“...Shameless.”
Xie Lian didn’t fully understand what was going on, but he could sense some strangely sensual undertones in the other couple’s conversation. With a loud cough, he dissolved the awkward air and changed the subject.
“So? What will you two do now? San Lang and I still have to go back to the inn and grab the fish,” Xie Lian said with a heavy sigh. “Do you want to come with us?”
Wei Wuxian cast a quick glance at Lan Wangji before replying, “Nah, we better get back home. We’ve already been gone for a day. Gotta get back before Lan Zhan’s uncle comes home and keels over at the sight of the portal.”
With a wink, he patted his pocket and looked at Xie Lian, adding in a hushed voice, “I’ve still got Hua Cheng’s you-know-what. I’ll use ‘em to draw up a new portal and get us back home.”
“R-Right, that makes sense… Ah, but what about your gifts?” Xie Lian added. Aside from the two goldfish that Xie Lian had nearly forgotten about, there was also a giant tower of alcohol and a stuffed dog waiting for them.
“You can keep that c-c-creepy toy,” Wei Wuxian said, shivering at the terrifying mental image. “And I’ll pick up the alcohol the next time I come over.”
He preemptively lifted his hands to prepare for the attack he knew was coming. Surprisingly, there were no chopsticks, rocks, or balls of fire thrown his way.
Wei Wuxian cleared his throat and repeated, “I said, I’ll pick up the alcohol the next time I come over!”
He snuck a few glances at the Ghost King who was clearly unamused but still wasn’t attacking back.
“I heard you the first time,” Hua Cheng replied. “Are you saying that you want me to break a few of your bones?”
“Well, no, but… I’m kinda shocked,” Wei Wuxian replied. “I was under the impression that you hate when I come over.”
“I do. More than anything else.”
“Exactly! So, why aren’t you crushing me into dust right now?”
“Because I’ve realized that, much like a weed, no matter how many times I crush you under my boot, you will keep coming back.”
Though Hua Cheng’s words were pointed, like barbed daggers to the chest, Wei Wuxian beamed brightly as if he had just been granted godhood again. He eagerly ran in circles around the menacing man, the picture of a lost dog who’d just been reunited with its master.
“San-ge, San-ge!” he shouted. “Are you finally giving me your blessing? Can I keep coming over?”
He pushed his luck a little too hard - Hua Cheng finally snapped and kicked him to the ground. Scowling, he said, “There are two conditions.”
As he was scooped up into Lan Wangji’s arms, Wei Wuxian tilted his head and asked, “Huh?”
“First condition,” Hua Cheng said, his face as dark as a looming stormcloud. “Never call me by that revolting address ever again.”
“Alright, alright,” Wei Wuxian said with a big smile. “What’s the other one?”
“Use the damn communication array before you barge into our shrine again,” Hua Cheng replied seriously. “And if gege doesn’t answer, then that means he’s busy; don’t even think about coming over.”
“Lian-gege,” Wei Wuxian said with feigned innocence, “you told me that you’re always free these days. What kind of things could keep you busy enough to ignore my call?”
A bright blush flamed over Xie Lian’s cheeks, and he elbowed both his smug husband and his grinning best friend.
“San Lang is right. This is probably the best way to handle things from now on. Wei Wuxian, we’ll contact you before we visit the Cloud Recesses, as well. Best to avoid any more uncomfortable scenarios…” he said, the blush on his cheeks growing even brighter.
“Hah, fine. Sounds good to me,” Wei Wuxian replied with a wink. “As you know, Lan Zhan and I keep ourselves very busy.”
Before the conversation could get derailed even further into territory he definitely didn’t want to touch, Hua Cheng swiftly linked arms with Xie Lian.
“Gege, shall we? You know, the Lantern Festival is still going on tonight. Perhaps we can make the most of this strange situation and enjoy ourselves for a little bit longer.”
Xie Lian smiled, leaning into Hua Cheng’s shoulder.
“Yes, sounds good,” he replied, before locking eyes with Wei Wuxian once more. “I’ll look forward to our next visit. Stay out of trouble in the meantime, alright?”
He spoke sternly, despite knowing full well that his words would fall on deaf ears. Surprisingly, he didn’t mind anymore. And secretly, he looked forward to hearing all about Wei Wuxian’s wild tales in the future - tales that would surely rival the most vivid storybooks.
“Alright, alright,” Wei Wuxian agreed easily enough, waving them off with a smile. “Have fun, you two. And remember - our room back at the inn still has the soundproofing spell on it!”
At his side, Lan Wangji bowed deeply. “Until next time.”
Hua Cheng surprisingly met Lan Wangji’s respectful gesture with a strange smile. “Lan Wangji, I look forward to seeing your progress on taming that one. If your efforts are unfruitful, there’s still time to go back and buy a leash.”
“Yes,” Lan Wangji replied seriously.
Xie Lian and Wei Wuxian exchanged pointed looks before bursting into laughter. With every visit, their goodbyes became shorter, easier. There was no fear or dread in parting any more - only anticipation and gratitude.
With another casual wave, the Scrap Immortal and his Ghost King leisurely trailed down the hillside, arms comfortably linked together. Wei Wuxian watched over them silently, until their figures shrunk and completely faded from view.
“Lan Zhan, I don’t get it,” Wei Wuxian finally said, crossing his arms. “Did Hua Cheng eat a poisonous mushroom or something? I feel like he’s being extra generous all of a sudden.”
“He is grateful to you,” Lan Wangji answered calmly.
“Huh? Hua Cheng? Grateful?” Wei Wuxian said with a loud laugh, patting his husband’s broad shoulder. “Lan Zhan, maybe you’re the one who ate something funny!”
But Lan Wangji’s serious expression didn’t falter, and he responded with, “You saved Xie Lian today. Therefore, Hua Cheng is grateful to you.”
“Lan Zhan, since when are you and Hua Cheng on such good terms? How the hell would you know what that guy’s thinking?”
“...Because I felt the same way when he saved you,” Lan Wangji answered, staring into his husband’s bright eyes. With a stern expression, he reached out to pinch Wei Wuxian on the cheek. “Do not do something so foolish ever again.”
Mischievously, Wei Wuxian darted out his tongue to lap at the large hand squishing his face. Lan Wangji blushed and pulled his hand away, giving his playful lover a light slap on the behind before wrapping his arm around his waist.
Wei Wuxian silently taunted him back by playfully reaching out for Bichen once more. But as soon as his hands slid across the icy cold hilt, his bright smile wavered.
“Wei Ying, are you alright?” Lan Wangji asked.
“Hmm? Why wouldn’t I be?” Wei Wuxian replied, though his darkening expression betrayed the cheerful words leaving his mouth.
“You have lost your godhood. You… will be unable to wield a blade again.”
It didn’t take Wei Wuxian long to find his soft smile again. “Never say never, Lan Zhan! You and I both know that better than anyone, right? Maybe I’ll get there one day. In the meantime, you’ll just have to keep protecting little old me. Isn’t that right, Hanguang-jun?”
Lan Wangji smiled softly. “Mm.”
“But, that said… I wish we could’ve tested out my powers a little more. Maybe there are some other perks to being a god,” he said, tugging at Lan Wangji’s waistband. His heart stirred restlessly at the sight of the blush rapidly spreading up his husband’s neck.
Lan Wangji leaned down and whispered into his ear, his low voice sending shivers down Wei Wuxian’s spine.
“...I am still a god for the rest of the week.”
Wei Wuxian wrapped his arms around Lan Wangji’s neck, now dangerously red, and whispered right back. “Junior Official Hanguang-jun, that reminds me. There’s something else I’d like you to try for me…”
***
Lan Wangji, with his remaining week as a god, was easily persuaded to cast the soundproofing spell on every building in the Cloud Recesses that Wei Wuxian could think of.
In the end, however, while it did help during their nightly romps, it served a greater purpose: shielding the entirety of the Cloud Recesses from Wei Wuxian’s frequent, lengthy calls with Xie Lian.
There was a strange caveat to using the communication array without full godhood - Wei Wuxian had to speak aloud, as if he were talking to Xie Lian face-to-face. Which ended up serving in his favor, else all the Lan Clan juniors would have to watch the delirious man laugh maniacally and smile to himself in perplexing silence - at least, more often than usual.
“So, how are the kids?” Wei Wuxian asked over the array.
“Well, not great, I’m afraid. Creamy seems quite jealous,” Xie Lian replied candidly. A bright laugh echoed on the other end in response.
“Makes sense! He was raised by Lan Zhan, after all,” Wei Wuxian said. “Did something happen?”
“I caught him dipping his paw into the fish tank the other day. If I had come home even a minute later, I think he would’ve eaten Goldy. And Fishy is clearly still recovering from the trauma of witnessing it all firsthand.”
“Huh, that’s odd. I thought rabbits didn’t eat meat?”
“I suppose Creamy is a carnivore.”
Wei Wuxian snickered. “That makes sense.”
“…Because he was raised by Lan Wangji?”
“Exactly,” Wei Wuxian said with another laugh. “Anyway, let’s talk about serious business. How’s Deputy Mo faring up in the Heavenly Realm?”
Xie Lian paused for a moment. “Ah, I didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?” Wei Wuxian asked.
“…He quit.”
“He quit!? What the hell happened? It’s only been what, a month?”
“I don’t know all the details, but it sounds like he had a pretty rough time,” Xie Lian admitted with a heavy sigh.
“How so?”
“Well, several of the other officials were quite smitten with him, and they kept teasing him about his ‘husband’. And apparently, word spread quickly among the Civil Officials about Deputy Mo’s, uh, passionate encounters with his Junior Official. It made him quite uncomfortable.”
Wei Wuxian laughed out loud, practically rolling over. “My bad!”
Xie Lian continued his wild tale with, “Ling Wen also found out about the burnt merits and scolded him pretty heavily. When I asked Feng Xin and Mu Qing about it, they said they never actually bothered to tell Ling Wen about the swap… She still somehow thinks you two are one in the same.”
“Wow, so much for the help that those two so boldly pledged,” Wei Wuxian replied sarcastically, snickering faintly. “Anyway, Ling Wen must still be pretty damn tired. How the hell did she get the two of us mixed up?”
“I’m guessing that she thinks you have some kind of split personality…”
Wei Wuxian cackled, not expressing a single shred of remorse for the situation he’d created for his poor counterpart.
“Anyway, at the end of the day, Deputy Mo said he’d just rather practice medicine than be a god,” Xie Lian added. “He did strike a deal with Ling Wen, though. He agreed to stay for a bit to help in exchange for keeping some of the benefits when he returned to the Mortal Realm - namely, the reading speed.”
“Well, sounds like it all worked itself out in the end!” Wei Wuxian happily replied.
“I suppose so. At the very least, I was able to avoid another banishment… Anyway, the position is open again. Ling Wen is looking to fill it as soon as possible.”
Wei Wuxian immediately misunderstood, allowing his presumptuous self-confidence to take over.
“He he he, I bet she’d be pretty damn happy to have Deputy Mo's ‘other personality’ come back up there. Too bad for her, I’m in pretty high demand. My time isn’t cheap. She’d have to make the deal pretty damn enticing to win me back!”
Xie Lian could hear the smile in Wei Wuxian’s voice on the other end, and he could practically see him smugly perched with his legs on the table, head held high.
It made it all the more awkward when he had to break the news.
“She wants Lan Wangji.”
“…Huh?”
“Ling Wen said that Lan Wangji would make the finest Civil God to ever grace the department. She wants to hire him.”
For once, the call went silent.
After a few tense moments, Wei Wuxian shouted back, “Tell her she’ll have to fight me for him!”
Before things could get even rowdier, a low, even voice suddenly burst into their transmission.
“Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan! Nice timing,” Wei Wuxian chimed. “We were just talking about you.”
“Good evening, Lan Wangji. I hope you’ve been well,” Xie Lian said politely.
He bowed respectfully even though they couldn’t see each other, knowing very well that Lan Wangji was probably doing the exact same thing.
Xie Lian wasn’t surprised to hear Lan Wangji’s voice on the other end. Like his husband, Lan Wangji had also strangely retained the ability to enter the communication array even after becoming mortal again.
The power worked in Lan Wangji’s favor, as he often had to forcefully jump in and wrangle Wei Wuxian out of his endless calls.
“Good evening,” Lan Wangji said dutifully. “However, I am afraid the call will have to end here.”
Xie Lian could hear an exaggerated puff at the other end of the line; Wei Wuxian was no doubt pouting like a child.
“Lan Zhan, what the hell are you talking about?” Wei Wuxian moaned.
“It is already Hai time. Come to bed, Wei Ying.”
“Nah, I’ll pass. Lian-Gege and I are just getting started. Just go to bed without me. I’ll try to be quiet so you can get some sleep.”
“…No.”
Xie Lian could hear faint rustling and hushed whispers on the other end, followed by a loud thump.
“I-Is everything alright over there?” he asked warily. Before the other two could answer, a fourth voice entered the array - one that sounded incredibly irritated.
“I’m adding a third condition,” Hua Cheng’s booming voice ordered. “You have to limit each call to 15 minutes at a time, once a month.”
“That’s way too damn stingy!” Wei Wuxian yelled back, followed by a few more grunts. Xie Lian perked his ears; it sounded like Wei Wuxian was struggling desperately against some kind of restraints.
“I agree with Hua Cheng. The proposed time allotment is adequate,” Lan Wangji calmly replied.
“Lan Zhan, whose side are you on?! Lian-gege and I can’t even get through our greetings in 15 minutes!”
“That’s your own fault,” Hua Cheng replied. “You clearly have quite a bit of free time on your hands. Make use of it and learn how to control your tongue.”
“Hua Cheng,” Wei Wuxian replied, clearly smirking, “this tongue of mine gets plenty of practice as it - mrrghhh!”
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said in a dark voice, “That is enough.”
“Um, are you both OK?” Xie Lian timidly asked. He heard more sounds of thumping and rustling before Wei Wuxian’s panting breath gasped out, followed by a hurried, panicked slur of words.
“Lian-gege, help! Help, help, help! Send help! I’m gonna choke to death. Lan Zhan’s bullying me again! He’s gonna suffocate me to -”
His voice was cut off once more, followed by Lan Wangji’s heavy, exasperated sigh.
“Wei Wuxian, if you keep acting out like this, I’ll revoke your call privileges altogether. Do not take my kindness for granted,” Hua Cheng snapped back, speaking like a parent scolding his child.
“Mhhmhmm,” Wei Wuxian obediently replied, his voice muffled beneath Lan Wangji’s large fingers.
“Gege, let’s go. It’s time for bed,” Hua Cheng continued in a soft, buttery-smooth voice. His tone immediately darkened as he changed targets. “Lan Wangji, I trust that you’ll deal with that boy.”
“Mm,” Lan Wangji confidently replied. A veiled shriek echoed in the background.
“G-Goodnight, Wei Wuxian,” Xie Lian whispered, “and good luck...”
With that, the communication channel cut to a close for the night - but certainly not for the last time.
And though Wei Wuxian’s accidental ascension was gradually becoming a distant memory, the brilliant memories lingered.