Chapter Text
Felix knows he’s always been a bit of a cry baby. He tries to pretend it’s something he embraces, that he isn’t ashamed of feeling his emotions and he’d rather be quick to tears than one of those unfeeling macho types. It’s true to an extent, he doesn’t think there should be anything wrong with boys crying and he especially wants fans who look up to him to know it’s okay to cry.
But he hates it sometimes.
He hates how noticeable it is when his feelings are hurt, how he can never hide the way his eyes start to well up and his mouth wobbles before he can bite his lip to stop it. He cries when he’s angry, always making himself look oversensitive and unreasonable as he tries to articulate his feelings. He cries when he’s happy, which isn’t as embarrassing as other circumstances, but he still feels insecure about it — especially when it takes him a long time to get it together. He cries at movies and at especially sentimental Subaru commercials, at weddings, and at funerals, during arguments, and when he’s overwhelmed by love for his boyfriend, friends, or fans. He just cries a lot. It makes him feel immature and embarrassed, but he really can’t help it.
Chan is the one that makes him feel less ashamed of it. Of course all of the members have helped and none of them were ever cruel to him over his tendency to cry easily (except for Woojin who’d seemed to delight in pointing it out every time Felix felt a lump in his throat). Jisung helps too, being an easy crier himself. But Chan is the one that has made him feel the most okay about it. Chan is the one that pulls him into his arms when he’s hurt or afraid and tells him to cry it out as long and as hard as he needs to. He’s the one who notices Felix tearing up at something silly and laughs, only teasing him good naturedly as he tells him it’s adorable that he feels so much so intensely. He holds him and kisses him and tells him it’s alright, helps him calm down, helps ground him, always promising time and time again that he isn’t put off by Felix’s tears, that he isn’t judging him.
It was through all that reassurance that Felix came to accept this part of himself at all, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s embarrassed and anxious about crying for stupid reasons. When he feels that way though, he goes to Chan. His best friend turned boyfriend always knows what to say. Chan is his person, his home, his safe place. He’s the one person Felix truly trusts with all of his heart to never judge him for his tears.
He’s already having a shitty day. He made a mistake in the choreography last night of their brand new song — it was only their second time performing it in front of an audience. He’d gotten the parts mixed up somehow and while he caught up quickly, his mistake left him out of formation with the others, making it insanely obvious that he’d messed up. Chan and the others had assured him it was fine — what’s a few seconds out of place in a two hour concert? But it gnawed at him and he hadn’t slept well because he was too busy overthinking it. On top of that, Chan had spent the night in Changbin’s hotel room working on music, which was fine, but Felix could have used their usual cuddling.
They had to get up at five a.m. to catch their flight and Chan had seemed a little on edge in the lobby. He didn’t appear to have slept much at all, but he wasn’t the kind of sleepy where he would pout and lean his head on Felix’s shoulder. He was the sort of tired where he didn’t have the energy to speak much, just sort of kept to himself, and went through the motions of checking out and piling into the van that would take them to the airport. It wasn’t like he was being mean or cold or anything, but Felix felt a little bad not being able to help much.
Still he sat next to Chan in the back of the van and guided his head to his shoulder anyways, pressing a soft kiss into his hair. “You okay?” He asked, voice low as he gave Chan’s knee a squeeze. As much as Chan takes care of him (and everyone around him), Felix likes to take care of him too. He doesn’t often care for himself well. “Did you get any sleep?”
“‘m okay,” Chan mumbles, nuzzling his cheek against Felix’s shoulder, eyes shut. “Didn’t really sleep. Couldn’t figure out this one part and it was driving me nuts.”
“Hyungie, you can’t pull all nighters on the road.”
“I know, I know, but I’ll sleep on the plane,” Chan sighs and presses a lazy kiss against the side of Felix’s neck. It’s a small act of affection, but it does relieve Felix that his boyfriend is only cranky and sleep deprived, not upset with him. He wishes he could shake that constant anxiety of someone being angry with him, but he’s gotten better at it.
They file out at the airport, putting on their best smiles for the cameras despite their tiredness, waving to fans waiting outside. The company’s security detail escorts them inside and Felix does his best to ignore the press of the crowd around them, keeping his head down and walking between Chan and Changbin. Being surrounded by the members helps as they make their way through the public portion of the airport towards the security line.
He really hates this part. It’s right between where the public can gather and the closed off section of the airport limited to only those with airline tickets departing soon. They’re still visible and there’s still cameras flashing as they line up and wait to be called to present their passport and ID. Today feels slower than ever.
Felix lingers behind Chan and pulls out his phone, trying to ignore the wall of noise not too far behind them as fans call out to the group from the barricade. Mindlessly, he opens TikTok only to see a video of himself on his ForYou page. It’s not an uncommon occurrence, he actually really likes to see the silly edits and compilations stays post online. This one though isn’t posted by a fan. It’s a close up of his mistake from last night, the video looping over and over, little arrows drawn to point out where he is and where he should have been.
His heart catches in his throat. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s certainly nothing career threatening, but seeing the video and how clear the mistake was when he already felt so shitty about it… It has over a hundred thousand likes. The caption is something nasty about the group being talentless, which Felix would typically ignore, but he’s the face of that accusation. People are saying Stray Kids as a whole are a talentless group and his mistake is the example they’re using to prove it.
He feels his face heat up, the prick of hot tears welling up in his eyes. Please not now, not while they’re still in public. There are so many cameras on them.
Quickly, he shoves his phone in the front pocket of his hoodie and reaches to tug on Chan’s sleeve. “Hyung?” He croaks, stepping close with the expectation of comfort, but when Chan turns to him, he just looks exhausted.
“Lix?” He sees all the signs right away — Felix’s flushed face, his eyes big and watery, lower lip quivering. He’d probably known right away when Felix’s voice wavered calling out for him. Felix is already reaching out, thinking Chan will take his hand or just pull him close until they get through the security line. Instead, Chan brushes him off, shutting his eyes for a moment like it’s the only way to keep from rolling them before he lets out an exasperated sigh. “There’s still cameras, can you keep it together until we get through?”
Felix pauses, retracting his hand as Chan turns away from him to move forward in line. He feels like his heart is being squeezed in his chest, the tears welling up quicker as he blinks his eyes to try and drive them back. Chan doesn’t even look back to check on him, he just keeps moving. He bites his lip hard and follows the members forward in line, balling up his fist to dig his nails into the meat of his palm.
Don’t cry, do not fucking cry. You’re so pathetic. Even Chan’s embarrassed of you. Why can’t you handle anything? He’s sick of dealing with you all the time.
There’s a lump in his throat that aches when he shuffles up to the attendant, handing her his passport and ID, answering in a low voice when she asks his birthday. He hurries forward when he’s cleared and joins the other members, stepping close to Jisung instead of Chan. He was hurt enough by the stupid video of his mistake, but now, he feels completely crushed. This was Chan unfiltered, twenty-four hours of no sleep, little patience left. He hadn’t been worried or concerned when he saw Felix about to cry, he had been annoyed. This whole time, Felix thought Chan really didn’t judge him for being so sensitive, but has it been an annoyance all along? How much does Chan usually want to sigh and roll his eyes at him when he sees him being a stupid fucking cry baby about something?
“Felix?” Jisung asks in a quiet voice, ducking his head to see his face. “Hey, are you okay?”
Felix presses his lips into a line and nods his head. If he opens his mouth, he’ll start weeping like a little kid.
“Whoa, hey, what’s going on?” He frowns in concern and reaches for Felix’s wrist. “You look like you’re about to-“
“Don’t,” Felix croaks, sniffling a little and blinking his eyes some more. “I don’t want to cry. Chan seems mad at me and I’m afraid someone’s gonna see, I-I…” His mouth quivers.
“Bokkie.” Jisung sticks out his lower lip in sympathy, reaching back to pull Felix’s hoodie up for him, fixing his hair a little underneath it. “You don’t have to talk about it, don’t worry. Just stick by me.”
“Could you sit with me for take off?” Felix hates how pathetic he sounds asking, but Jisung at least won’t be mad at him if he starts to cry. “I know you want to sit with Minho-hyung, but-“
“Of course.” Jisung slings an arm around Felix’s shoulder and squeezes, walking with him to follow the group as Seungmin, the last in line, exits the security checkpoint. “Minho-ah can sit with Seungmin. He loves bothering him on long flights. Or he can sit next to Channie hyung and give him shit, what does he have to be mad at you for?”
“Thank you. Don’t worry about Chan-hyung, he’s just tired…” He leans into Jisung as they walk and tries again to swallow the feelings welling up from his chest. He’s grateful to have Jisung as they make their way to the gate. He’s just so hurt that he can’t reach out for Chan right now. He had looked at him like he was being such a nuisance back there and for the first time since first meeting Chan, he feels afraid that he sees him as someone too young and immature. Jisung rubs his back a little as they all walk to the gate and while he’s grateful for the touch, he feels pathetic for needing it.
He always sits next to Chan on flights too. They cuddle and hold hands during takeoff, leaning against one another to nap or sharing earbuds to watch a movie. Now he worries he’ll just annoy him. Chan needs to sleep anyways, not spend the flight tending to Felix’s dumb hurt feelings.
Jisung only leaves him for a minute and Felix blushes when he sees him whispering to Minho, having to explain that they can’t sit together because Felix needs him. Even though Minho nods in understanding, not seeming annoyed in the slightest, Felix feels awful. Why can’t he just take care of himself?
“Sungie, I’m sorry.” Felix winces. “You can sit with Minho-hyung. I’ll be fine.”
“It’s not a problem.” Jisung shrugs, elbowing him a little with a playful smile. “What, you don’t wanna sit next to your hyung? I’m a great plane buddy.”
“You are,” Felix answers with a weak smile.
Luckily, everyone is tired, so no one is doing much talking and no one seems to notice that he’s on the verge of tears. It hurts that Chan hasn’t said anything to him, hasn’t even glanced over his shoulder, but Felix tries to blame it on sleep deprivation. It must be exhausting to deal with a boyfriend who’s always weepy and sensitive over everything. He won’t bother Chan to take care of him today even if his feelings are hurt.
They file onto the plane after their staff have boarded. Felix nudges to the front of the group and walks ahead with Jisung, who ushers him into a window seat at the back of their section. Minho takes the aisle right across from them with Seungmin on his other side, so he can still be close to Jisung and Felix feels a rare pang of jealousy. He wishes Chan wanted to sit near him right now. He peers over the seats and sees his boyfriend mindlessly slide into a window seat a few rows up, Changbin sitting beside him. It makes his heart twinge — Chan doesn’t want to spend the flight with him. He didn’t look for him or anything.
“Lix, you look like someone just kicked a puppy in front of you,” Jisung says when Felix settles in his seat, his eyes all big and concerned. His voice is low so Hyunjin and Jeongin don’t hear them talking over the rumble of the plane engine. “What’s up?”
“It’s stupid.” Felix swallows, still determined not to cry. “I just… I feel really shitty about my mistake last night and when we were trying to go through security, I was feeling really overwhelmed. I tried to just go on my phone to drown out the noise, but I saw this popular TikTok someone made by replaying my mistake over and over and shitting on the group.”
“Oh.” Jisung sticks out his lower lip in sympathy, reaching out to squeeze Felix’s knee. “That sucks, Lix, I’m sorry. I know what that’s like. People make compilations of all the times I’ve forgotten the words to a verse or messed them up and they always get a ton of views.”
“Yeah, it just… it bummed me out and there were still so many people and cameras around, I got really anxious, so I tried to reach for Channie, but…” Felix feels his eyes well up and stops talking, pressing his lips together as he swallows them back. God, it’s such a tiny thing. His boyfriend took a bit of a tone with him and didn’t dote on him for crying, so now Felix can’t even talk about it without getting choked up? He’s so pathetic. He takes a deep breath and leans back in his seat, dragging the window shade shut, so the sun is out of his eyes. “He was all annoyed. He asked if I could just keep it together and then he turned away and totally ignored me.”
“He did?” Jisung frowns. “That doesn’t sound like hyung. Shit, I’m sorry Bokkie, that was mean of him. He’s probably just tired, you know?”
“I know.” Felix sniffs once and blinks his eyes a few times. “I’m just being sensitive. He didn’t sleep at all last night, he’s basically a zombie, but…
“But you reached out for him and he turned you down.” Jisung nods in understanding. “It’s okay to be upset by that. I worry a lot that I bother Minho with my panic attacks sometimes, but if I started having one and I went to him, it would really hurt if he turned me away.”
They both buckle their seatbelts as the plane starts to slowly move away from the gate and the pilot announcement crackles over the loudspeaker. It’s a six hour flight that most of them will sleep through. Felix is secretly grateful he’s still sitting next to Jisung, who will cuddle him a bit. He has trouble sleeping on planes.
He spends the majority of the plane ride fading in and out. He hugs one of Jisung’s arms and naps or rests his head against the window with Jisung’s head on his shoulder. In one of his bleary moments of awakeness between dozing off, he sees Chan get up, yawn, and stretch before drowsily nudging his way past Changbin. He walks down the aisle in Felix’s direction, probably just towards the bathroom, but Felix lifts his head instinctively, expecting a glance his way.
Chan doesn’t. He yawns again right as he passes Felix’s row, walking straight by him and Jisung to the small cabin bathroom at the end of the aisle. Felix hates how his heart sinks. What’s wrong with him, desperate for just a moment of eye contact? It can’t be healthy. Chan is still half asleep anyways, so what is Felix expecting? When he hears Chan coming their way again, he doesn’t expect anything this time, keeps his head down instead of craning his neck back. Then there’s a gentle tap on the top of his head.
“Hey.” Chan offers a sleepy smile, leaning over Felix’s seat from the empty row behind him. “Sorry, I knocked out right away. Are you getting any sleep?”
Felix blinks at him a moment. He must not even remember that he’d been on the verge of tears last time they exchanged words today. Maybe Chan was just really that exhausted? It doesn’t change Felix’s hurt that Chan is clearly much more annoyed with his tearful tendencies than he’s been letting on, but he feels a little better that Chan hasn’t been purposefully ignoring him. “I’ve been in and out,” he says back, unable to resist smiling a little as Chan’s fingers thread through his hair, scratching his scalp a little. It’s the casual easy affection that Felix is used to — a complete departure from the tired face that had seemed so annoyed by him before.
“I didn’t even notice you weren’t next to me until I got up to pee. I’ve apparently been snuggling with Changbin for like three hours.”
Felix snickers a bit, enjoying the gentle fingers still carding through his hair. “Sorry, I just thought I’d let you sleep.”
“Without my Lixie bear?” Chan asks in a fake baby voice that makes Felix roll his eyes and gag at him. He glances over at Jisung who is pointedly letting them be as he watches a video on his phone. “I’m probably just going to sleep some more, but we could shuffle the seats around if you wanted to come sit next to me.” He glances around to make sure no stray flight attendant is coming before planting a kiss on the top of Felix’s head. “Only if you want to.”
Felix’s heart softens, touched that Chan woke up wanting to see him, relieved that he isn’t annoyed or put off. He has his doubts that Chan really isn’t exasperated with his sensitivity in general, but it feels good to know he isn’t upset with him. “Yeah, I’ll come.”
They tap Jisung on the shoulder and orchestrate a shuffling of a tired Changbin into Minho’s seat, who then slides over to replace Felix next to Jisung. Felix gives Jisung a quick thank you squeeze for being there for him earlier before following Chan to his row.
Chan ushers him in to the window seat and sits down beside him, pulling out the blanket that was handed out to passengers and spreading it over the both of them. “Comfy?” He asks, tucking Felix’s hair back behind his ear before planting a kiss on his cheek.
“Mhm.” Felix tucks himself under Chan’s arm and rests his head on his shoulder, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne. Chan’s morning routine is so set in stone, he does it on autopilot no matter how tired he is, always dabbing a scent of something behind his ears. The smell makes him feel warm and cozy. They cuddle so close when they sleep together, he’s come to associate Chan’s smell with that feeling of being right on the edge of sleep. That or sometimes it makes him crazy horny. Depends on the context. “Do you feel better?” He asks as he nuzzles his face into Chan’s neck, shutting his eyes. “You were cranky.”
“Was I?” Felix can hear the frown in his voice. “Sorry, I was so out of it.”
Out of it enough that he couldn’t mask how he really felt. Felix files that away for later and tries to focus on the fact that regardless of whether or not it revealed a larger problem, Chan didn’t mean to be cold to him earlier. He came and found him, wanting his company as soon as he was a little more present. So Felix says, “don’t worry about it,” and presses a few lazy kisses against the side of Chan’s neck just because it’s close to his lips. It’s so much easier to fall asleep with Chan’s arm around him, he’s already drifting off.
“Wake me up if you need something, kay?” Chan whispers as he rests his head against Felix’s. “No more zombie Chris.”
“Okay.” Felix laughs and reaches over to thread their fingers together, the edge of his anxiety finally softened by the return of his boyfriend’s usual caring demeanor. “Love you, hyung,” he says because it’s what they always say before they go to sleep at night. The hurt in his heart seems fully soothed when Chan kisses his forehead and murmurs a soft, “I love you too.”
He’ll just work harder on not getting on Chan’s nerves with his crying in the future. For now, they’re okay.
It’s nothing he can’t fix.
*****
Felix sets a goal for himself. No more crying in front of the guys, especially Chan, unless it’s something seriously worth crying over. It’s okay to tear up when their fans do something touching for them. It’s okay to cry if someone’s died. But he needs to get a grip. If he keeps sniveling over every little thing, how is Chan going to put up with him? Chan is always taking care of everyone, putting all the members before himself, running himself ragged to meet their needs before he even thinks about his own. Felix is his boyfriend, he should be taking things off of Chan’s shoulders, not making him deal with it every time he gets choked up over something. If that means he needs to hide away for a few minutes to cry it out by himself then fine, but hopefully, with enough practice, he can just stop crying so much in general.
He stops watching sad dramas to start. The romantic ones especially always get him sniveling and even though Chan has always cooed and called him cute when he saw him teared up over a cheesy tv show, Felix is sure that he won’t find it endearing forever.
He filters his social media more. Even though he enjoys lurking a bit in the fandom spaces to see all of the positivity, he painstakingly goes through all of his feeds and blocks key words having to do with himself and the group to avoid seeing the kind of hate or criticism that could potentially hurt his feelings.
He honestly does a pretty good job of mitigating emotional triggers and over a week goes by without him getting all teary eyed over something. Physical triggers are… more of a challenge.
In dance practice, he does everything he’s supposed to. He stretches even more than he has to before dancing, is careful and intentional with his form. It’s during the cooldown of all things that Felix twists his back just so and a flash of pain nearly brings him to his knees. His herniated disk is an injury that feels like all or nothing. Most of the time, he can’t feel it at all, but when something tweaks, it hurts so bad, he almost cries out. He manages not to make a sound and carefully rises to his feet, sweating as he balls a hand into a fist to keep quiet and slips out of the room while everyone is getting water and chatting.
He hurries into the bathroom across the hall and shuts himself inside, leaning against the door and gasping with the sob he’d been holding in. Fuck, he detests this injury and the way it can sneak up on him. It hurts so bad and it means he has to get those injections in his back again whenever it flares up this way. He puts a hand over his mouth and cries out what he can’t hold in, wondering if he can ask Chan to come with him to the upstairs clinic like he usually does or if that would be too needy. What if he gets choked up when it’s time for the needles? They scare him and they actually hurt a good deal. He wants to hold his boyfriend’s hand, but he doesn’t want Chan to see him crying over a treatment other people don’t blink an eye at.
In the end, he washes his face to hide that he’s been crying and texts Chan that his back is a little tweaked, so he’ll be going to the clinic before heading back to the dorm with everyone else. Chan texts back almost immediately, asking if he wants him to with and Felix thinks for a long minute before insisting he’s alright. He needs to do things on his own and Chan is probably tired after practice. He should get to rest instead of dragging himself up to the physical therapy office just to hold Felix’s hand.
So Felix goes on his own. He doesn’t leave the bathroom until he’s sure he doesn’t look like he’s been crying and then he carefully makes his way out to the elevator. He’ll have to go back for his dance bag and things when his back isn’t spasming, but he takes deep breaths and gets himself to the clinic. If he sheds a tear or two from discomfort when he’s face down with needles in his back, no one sees it but the doctor. Sure, a big part of him wishes he’d just caved and asked Chan to come with him, but it’s over fast enough and he isn’t in so much pain.
He goes back down to the rehearsal floor to pick his things up from the studio and makes his way home to the dorm. He’ll probably wash up and change then maybe go over to the other dorm to spend some time with Chan now that he’s not about to burst into tears from how fucked up his spine feels.
Surprisingly, Chan is already there. He’s freshly showered and dressed comfortably, a black apron tied snugly around his waist as he sets out two plates of kimchi fried rice. On the living room couch, Jisung is snuggled up with Minho, the two of them already eating. Everyone else seems to be scarce, probably napping.
“Hyung?” Felix sets his things down by the door and smiles when Chan turns to greet him.
“Hi baby, how are you feeling?” Chan’s smile is warm as can be as he turns off the oven and pads up to Felix, leaning in to kiss his cheek hello. “You kind of ran off, were they able to fix your back up?”
Felix melts, so full of relief that without him having some kind of tearful episode, Chan is still concerned and caring. He’s getting support and he didn’t embarrass himself by crying. Maybe his system is better like this, taking the comfort Chan already offers so willingly without being such a cry baby on top of it and asking for more. “Yeah, it feels a lot better now. The spasms were just pretty sudden, so I wanted to get it done right away.”
“Did they do the injections?”
“Yeah.” Felix winces and Chan frowns, looking even more concerned.
“Baby, you should’ve told me. I would have come with you — I know how much you hate those.” Chan tuts and tucks Felix’s hair back behind his ear. “Were you okay?”
“I was okay.” Felix leans in and gives Chan a kiss just to thank him for being so sweet, ignoring the wolf whistle Minho makes at them from the sofa. “You cooked?”
“Yeah, sit down and eat before you go shower. I can work on your back a little when you’re out.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.” Chan leads Felix to one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter and sits him down, putting a plate and a glass of water in front of him. “Eat up,” he says and then proceeds to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen while Felix eats.
He really feels touched, knowing that Chan still sought him out. Maybe he isn’t as much of a burden as he thinks he is, but it still seems worthwhile to keep from crying in front of him. This way, Chan can show up in the ways that he wants to.
He showers as soon as he’s finished eating, running the water extra hot and sighing at the relief it gives his sore muscles. His back feels much better. It had sucked going through the treatment by himself, but he’d gotten through it hadn’t he? No big deal.
Felix towels off and makes his way to his room post-shower to find the lights already dimmed and Chan waiting for him. There’s a towel spread out on top of the bed and another over the pillows, lotion on the night stand.
“Down.” Chan cocks his head towards the towel on the bed and grins. “On your stomach.”
“Channie.” Felix pouts even as he unwraps his towel from around his hips and hangs it on the hook of his closet door. “You don’t have to massage me. Really, aren’t you tired?”
“I like taking care of you. Trust me, putting my hands all over your naked body is not a chore.” Chan gestures again to the towel and Felix blushes, walking up to the bed and obediently lying face down, arms folded beneath a pillow to cushion his head. They’re not home alone or anything. He can hear the distant sound of a movie in the living room and Seungmin gaming in the bedroom next door, so he wonders if Chan wants to fuck after the massage. Felix sort of hopes he does. They don’t have a ton of sex when the dorm is packed, but he’s no stranger to clamping a hand over his mouth while Chan fucks him stupid.
Chan shucks his joggers, leaving him in just a pair of clingy boxer briefs as he grabs the lotion and crawls onto the bed. As if he does this every day, he swings one leg over Felix’s hips and takes a seat right on his ass, pumping some of the lotion into his hand. “Tell me where it hurts and where it feels good, okay?”
“Okay,” Felix whispers, biting his lip as strong hands smooth the warm lotion up his spine, the pressure gentle.
Felix could care less about the actual health of his back at the moment. He loves being touched. He loves when Chan scratches his back or plays with his hair, keeps a hand on his knee, or holds him close. He shivers at the first touch, eyes fluttering shut as Chan’s hands work him over. “There’s good,” he sighs when the heel of Chan’s palm presses down just below his shoulder blade. “Mm, hyung…”
“Right here?” Chan gently kneads the muscle and Felix hums his satisfaction, relishing the warmth where their skin meets as Chan works out the tension.
Quietly, Chan finds all the places his hands can soothe and gets to work, massaging out any hint of stress until Felix is lax and tranquil underneath him. He slides his hands up his sides, bending over to kiss along Felix’s shoulders, up the back of his neck until he shivers. Then he moves downward, sliding back, so he can access Felix’s thighs, his ass.
Felix giggles the first time Chan grabs his ass and squeezes, but his dick starts to stiffen when lotion-slick hands glide down, skimming along the sensitive insides of his thighs, easing his legs further apart. He sighs, letting Chan know he feels good as those hands slide back upwards, teasing him with the prospect of being truly spread open.
“How do you feel, baby?” Chan asks, his voice gentle, like he’s ready to accept any answer at all. If Felix said he wanted to go to sleep, Chan would wipe down his skin to get rid of any excess lotion and tuck him right into bed. Felix doesn’t want to go to sleep.
“Mnn, I’m hard,” he whines quietly, shifting his hips a little to rub himself against the towel beneath his hips. “Want you.”
“Yeah? How do you want me?”
“Don’t make me say it.”
“But I love when you say it.” Felix can hear the grin in his voice without having to turn his head. “Plus, I can’t read your mind, Lixie,” Chan teases. “I don’t know which way you want me unless you say it.”
“…Could you fuck me like this?” Felix asks in a quiet voice, still shy every time Chan wrangles him into dirty talk. Deep down, there’s a whole world of kinks Felix would be down to explore if he could just get over how mortifying it feels to say things out loud.
Chan makes a pleased sound and grabs Felix’s ass with both hands, spreading him properly and sighing at the sight like he’s admiring a painting or a landscape and not an incredibly embarrassing part of Felix’s body. “Can you keep quiet?”
Felix nods his head and keens, arching his back and lifting his hips into Chan’s touch. He can feel Chan’s eyes on him, his gaze burning. The pad of his thumb brushes over Felix’s hole and he shivers, fingers curling into the bed sheets beneath him.
“Stay right here for me,” Chan says, pulling away and sliding out of bed to fetch the lube and a condom from the bedside drawer. Felix wasn’t going to ask him to wear one, but he appreciates that he won’t have to shower a second time. He watches as Chan drops his underwear, biting his lip at the sight of his cock, already stiff just from massaging him. Felix takes the opportunity to position himself a little better, keeping his head on the pillow with his arms folded beneath as he rises up on his knees.
“Pretty baby,” Chan teases, ducking down and planting a sweet kiss on Felix’s lips. “Tell me if something hurts, okay? Be careful with your back.”
“I will.” Felix reaches a hand out to curl around the back of Chan’s neck and pull him in for another kiss, sighing softly against plump lips as his tongue brushes Chan’s. As much as he likes the position he’s currently in, he loves kissing Chan. It makes everything around them fade away, his mind becoming singularly focused with the tender way their lips press together. “Love you,” he whispers, pulling back from the kiss only because he’s eager for Chan to get behind him.
“Love you too, Lix,” Chan says, his smile as genuine as ever as he nuzzles their noses together and gives Felix one more peck on the lips before going to get in position.
Chan doesn’t get to work right away. He settles on his knees between Felix’s legs and then lies over him, kissing the freckles along his shoulders and ghosting his lips along his neck to make him shiver. Only when Felix starts to whine and squirm does he slick up two fingers and gently work him open.
Felix keeps quiet, but he allows himself a low groan when Chan’s fingers insist on massaging his prostate dead on. He’s grateful for the towel underneath him, his dick untouched, but practically dripping. He always gets messy when he’s really aroused, something he’d been insecure about, but that Chan claims is sexy. When Chan scissors his fingers, focusing more on stretching him, his other hand comes around to wrap around Felix’s dick, playing with him to distract from the discomfort.
“Channie hyung,” Felix sighs, just wanting to say his name as Chan’s thumb rubs deliciously around his tip, stirring a heat deep within him. He feels so relaxed and warm, his body worn out from a long day of practice and then molded by Chan’s deft hands. The fingers inside him feel welcome, stretching him a way that feels satisfying rather than painful, always so careful. He hears the tearing of foil, pouts when Chan’s hands leave him, so he can roll the condom on.
“Needy,” Chan chuckles, slicking himself up and spreading a little extra lube around Felix’s entrance to ease the way. He doesn’t tease him much, maintaining the relaxation he’d created with the massage rather than getting Felix too keyed up. He puts his strong hands on Felix’s hips and lines up, sighing when he nudges inside.
Felix stays lax, humming in content as Chan slowly eases in, pushing forward than backing up an inch or two only to push in deeper. He repeats the process until he’s flush against Felix’s ass, allowing himself a quiet moan under his breath that makes Felix’s heart flutter. He loves knowing he can make Chan feel good. God, he feels so perfectly full. The stretch is just right, making him feel it, but not enough to hurt. The pressure on his prostate makes him yearn for more and his dick is hanging hard and heavy between his legs, just begging to be played with. “You can move, Channie,” he sighs, shutting his eyes and curling his fingers in the bedsheets just to hang on to something. “Won’t be too loud, I promise.”
“I’ll find some place special to take you soon,” Chan murmurs, his voice breathy and low as he starts to rock his hips, shallow thrusts at first to test the waters, but they’re enough that Felix has to bite his lip. “Some place nice and private where you can be loud for me.” He picks up the pace, pulling Felix back against him by the hips to make him meet with each thrust of his own.
“Wanna be loud for you so bad,” Felix breathes, each snap of Chan’s hips sending sparks of pleasure through him. Fuck, he would love the freedom to just make as much noise as he likes. He wants Chan to know how good he feels, wants to be able to whimper and moan without worrying about someone overhearing. He whines with his lips closed to keep the sound muted as Chan sets a pace, fucking him steadily with practiced precision. Felix relishes the sensation of Chan’s fingers pressing into his hips, occasionally sliding over to the curve of his ass. He knows Chan is resisting the urge to spank him. He loves to smack his ass in this position, but the sound would be too loud, would give them away. The guys probably know they’re fucking in here, but especially as leader, Chan is pretty adamant about minimizing the effect their relationship has on the members. In moments like this though, Felix feels so good, he’s almost tempted to throw caution to the wind, to let them hear whatever sound makes it through the walls.
His flexibility makes this position comfortable and easy, the towel soft under his knees, his back arched enough to give Chan perfect access without it hurting. His whole body is warm, skin already heated from the friction of the massage, and now burning as he presses a hand over his lips to stifle his sounds.
“So beautiful like this,” Chan grits, struggling to keep quiet himself as he pumps himself back and forth in the tight heat. He smooths one hand up Felix’s back, always touching him in some way outside of where they’re joined, always reminding him that they’re doing something more than just fucking. “You have no idea, Lixie, fuck.”
Felix whimpers against his hand, toes curling. He’s so weak for Chan’s praise. He remembers when he was a trainee and Chan would push him harder than the others, trying to assure his debut. He remembers how hard it had been to take his criticisms, but also how elated he’d felt to win his compliments. Chan’s praise is addicting. It’s hard earned, but Felix earned it. He earned Chan seeing him as someone he could love and Felix intends to keep it that way — no more fucking up how far he’s come with petty crying fits over nothing at all.
He’s starting to feel close, stuck on the precipice without anything touching his dick, but just when he’s about to break and ask Chan to touch him, a hand reaches around.
“Hyung,” Felix gasps when Chan takes him in his hand, his hips twitching to try and simultaneously press forward into his boyfriend’s fist and back against his cock. He’s trapped in the best way possible. He can feel his orgasm just within his reach and he has to avoid the temptation to chase it. Instead, he shuts his eyes and covers his mouth in anticipation, relaxing completely and trusting Chan to bring him over the brink. The moment he gives up control, allows himself to be fully overtaken by Chan’s touch, he comes with a muffled sob against his palm. He feels his body tense and contract around Chan inside of him, his cock shooting wet ribbons of come over the towel beneath him, some landing on his abs, some smearing over Chan’s fist. He trembles everywhere, toes curled, and thighs shaking as wave after delicious wave rolls through him.
Chan only fucks him harder, faster, chasing his own release as the rhythmic tensing of Felix’s muscles around him becomes too much to bear. He comes with a cut off groan that sounds almost like a whine with the way his closed lips stifle it, followed by a series of soft little noises that escape him as he rocks his hips into Felix along a locked-in rhythm. Felix loves the sound. He loves when Chan is vulnerable with him, when he gets to see how good he feels. They’ve only tried it a few times, but on the rare occasion Felix has gotten Chan to try bottoming, he’d made the softest most precious little sounds the entire time. Felix wishes he had them recorded just so he could play them on repeat, listen to his strong responsible hyung fall apart on his dick. He feels a twinge in his spent cock just at the noises Chan makes now, sighing in content when he stops thrusting.
Chan stays still, letting Felix relax around him, stroking his back as they both come down and catch their breath. He traces little patterns, connecting the dots between Felix’s freckles until the ticklish sensation makes him giggle. “Cute,” Chan says before giving Felix’s ass a gentle pat and easing back to pull out slowly. “Turn over for me, love.”
Felix obeys, rolling onto his back and smiling up at Chan, dazed with his eyes half lidded, feeling warm and perfectly sated.
Chan disposes of the condom in the small trash can near the bed and takes the baby wipes from the nightstand drawer, cleaning himself off before coming over to Felix. This part used to make Felix feel embarrassed. As soon as they were done having sex, he’d run off to the bathroom to clean himself up even if his knees were still wobbly. Now, he’s more than content to lie back and let Chan take care of him. Chan cleans off his stomach and wipes down his inner thighs, carefully cleaning off his dick and sticking his lower lip out in sympathy when the oversensitivity makes Felix wince.
Once they’re both cleaned up, Chan has Felix roll off of the towel, tossing it in the laundry hamper before finally crawling back over him.
“Hi.” Felix grins up at Chan, relishing in the sight of his bare face and natural curly hair. His face is still flushed from the pleasure and exertion of sex and Felix feels so fond, it’s like his heart is a tender bruise in his chest. He loves this boy so much. Chan takes care of him so well, how could Felix ever ask for more? Shouldn’t he take care of Chan too? He combs his fingers through Chan’s hair and watches him nuzzle into the touch. “My handsome hyungie,” he coos when he leans in to kiss the side of Chan’s nose. He always talks about how he thinks it’s too big, but it’s one of Felix’s favorite features. He always makes sure to give it a little extra love.
“Does your back feel okay?” Chan asks, a sweet smile on his face as Felix continues to press soft kisses to his cheeks, his jaw, the corner of his mouth, fingers still stroking his hair the way Chan likes.
“Everything feels perfect.” Felix pulls him down with a hand on the back of his neck and melts into a kiss.
He could do this forever. Even without the covers, he’s so warm with Chan on top of him, skin to skin all over as they kiss again and again. These aren’t the hurried eager kisses of foreplay, these are the languid indulgent kisses of the afterglow. They kiss slowly, the rhythm gentle as an ebbing tide, back and forth. Felix cherishes how close he feels to Chan in these moments, how special it is to be able to connect to him this way. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he ever lost this.
“I love you,” Felix murmurs, sliding his hands up to cup Chan’s face and giving him one more cute little peck on the very tip of his nose. “Thanks for taking such good care of me.”
“I didn’t do anything special, Lix. Making love isn’t me taking care of you, it’s something we do together.”
“I know, but you cooked me dinner and you cleaned me up and you’re just…” Felix pouts. “You’re so good to me. I’m worried that I don’t return the favor enough.”
“None of this is a favor. I love you, so I want to do these things. I love being close and spending time with you.” Chan smooths the hair out of Felix’s face and kisses his forehead. “You’re not a favor, little one. You’re the best part of my day.”
Felix’s heart flutters and he curls his arms around Chan’s shoulders, pulling him down into a hug and forcing him to finally let his weight rest against him. He squeezes tight when Chan nuzzles his head cutely into the crook of his neck, pressing a few kisses there that make Felix hum in delight.
Maybe he is overreacting. Maybe it’s okay to cry in front of Chan over little things if he needs to. Maybe he’s being too hard on himself. He’s still worried about annoying him, seeing that exhausted and inpatient look that he got in the airport, but it’s hard to imagine the sweet boy in his arms turning him away again. Felix can work on reducing his crying, but… he should have a little more faith in Chan. He should trust him.
They eventually put on a minimal amount of clothing and put a movie on, Chan agreeing to stay the night rather than go back to his own room. For the first time in a while, Chan actually dozes off first. Halfway through the movie, his head is on Felix’s shoulder, his breathing deep and even. Felix is honestly touched. Chan is such an insomniac that for him to fall asleep early with him is pretty meaningful. He turns off the TV and gently maneuvers a half-awake Chan into lying down, giggling when Chan immediately snuggles into him, throwing an arm over his waist and hiking a leg up over his thigh before falling right back asleep.
Felix holds him close and kisses the top of his head, relieved to see him sleeping properly for once. He makes a new resolution — he’s going to keep trying to quit being such a cry baby, but the next time he really can’t hold back his tears, he’s going to go to Chan like he used to. He trusts him too much to assume the worst.
*****
Felix makes it another two weeks without feeling the need to run to his boyfriend with tears in his eyes. It helps that the tour is over, that even though they’re still sleep deprived and busy as hell with comeback preparation, they have more of the comfort of routine and the extra emotional toll of jet lag and performing isn’t weighing on him. He’s still resolved not to hide it if he really needs comfort, but so far, he’s been fine. Chan has even been especially loving lately — not that he wasn’t before, but he’s just been sweeping Felix off his feet the past couple of weeks. He’s been coming to sleep with Felix more often, cutting back a little on his all nighters in the recording studio. He’s been really cuddly and affectionate, holding his hand often, kissing him more in front of the guys. He’s always been doting and affectionate, but lately, Felix just feels like they’re in such a good place.
It’s late in the evening and Felix is unwinding by himself, grateful for a little time to rest and play video games. Chan is in the studio and he said he would be there until late, but that he’d still come over and sleep with Felix afterwards. Felix is glad he’s been doing that more. Chan sleeps better with him than by himself and Felix doesn’t mind at all when his sleepy boyfriend crawls into bed with him at any hour of the night. He’s in a good mood, feeling relaxed, sore from practice but not so sore that he’s in pain. He’s thinking of asking the rest of the guys in his dorm if they want to watch a movie together when his dad calls.
He looks at the contact photo on the screen for a long time, wondering if he could let it ring out, text back later saying he was rehearsing, but a pang of guilt makes him pick up the phone. His family never sees him anymore, what kind of son is he to screen their phone calls? Or at least his dad’s… He loves to hear from his mom and his sisters, but sometimes with his dad…
“Dad, hi!” Felix answers with a little too much added enthusiasm, cringing at himself as he takes his phone and flops down onto his bed. “I just finished practice, how is everything?” He listens patiently as his dad rambles about this and that — yard work and his sister’s college applications, the weather, and the news. Their calls always start out this way and Felix stays relatively quiet as he listens, wondering when the inevitable turn in conversation will come. Eventually, there’s a long pause on his dad’s end of the line.
“I uh… I saw that big magazine spread you did. Your mom brought it home. What is it, V or something?”
“W,” Felix says, his chest already tightening with anxiety. “It was W Korea.”
“Yeah that’s the one.”
“Did you… like it?” He asks carefully, hoping for once that despite the progressive fashion and feminine image he’s once again put out for the world to see, his dad will at least pretend to have enjoyed it.
“It was… interesting.”
“Oh.” Felix’s heart sinks. “Yeah, um… It was. I had a lot of fun doing it.”
“Can’t exactly send this one to the grandparents though, can we?” His dad says with a chuckle, but the grain of truth in his question is all too evident in his tone. “For the next one, are you sure they can’t tone it down a little? I mean, kid, all these skirts they’re putting you in and all the makeup… Can’t you tell them to dress you more like a boy?” He laughs again, but Felix knows that’s just his way of keeping his criticisms masked. He hates it. He hates the magazine shoot just like he hates it every time Felix shows his femininity or mentions his queerness.
He’d told his parents he was gay in high school and his mom and sisters accept him, though his mom sometimes is a little awkward talking about it. His dad, on the other hand, seems to pretend it never happened, like Felix is still going to bring a girl home one day. They don’t know that Chan is anything more than a great friend to him. Chan worries about breaking the news to his own parents that he’s in love with a boy. They’re just not there yet.
“Well, you know, I kind of just wear what the stylists pick out,” Felix mumbles. It’s not entirely a lie, but he was the one that requested the skirts. He’s the one that pushes for his image to be more androgynous. “I thought it looked really cool.”
“I just would like to share your success with the rest of the family, but these photos aren’t exactly appropriate.”
Tears sting at Felix’s eyes. He was really proud of that photoshoot. He’d gotten to play a big creative role in it that he usually doesn’t get to and he was so happy about being given the freedom to play with his gender expression a bit. “I… I didn’t think it was that bad,” he swallows and hears the exasperated sigh on the other end.
“Just try not to dress like a girl so much, okay? Think about your grandmother.”
“Dad, it’s just-“
“Felix.” His voice is serious, the pitch low and Felix can practically see his concerned expression through the phone. “I know you think that you’re… that way, but you aren’t in Australia anymore. If people in your industry think that you’re…” He lets the silence fill in the blank. “You could lose your whole career. You could take all your friends down with you. Photos like this are just broadcasting the wrong message about you to the world, so tone it down, okay? We don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”
Felix’s mouth wobbles as hot tears fill his eyes. He holds the phone away, so his dad won’t hear him sniffle as he fights to swallow the lump in his throat. As soon as he can speak evenly, he brings the phone back near his face. “Okay, Dad,” he answers, feeling the first tear roll down the side of his face, but he won’t let his voice give it away. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, kid, we’re very proud of you. I’m just looking out for your best interest.”
“I know.”
“Everyone’s looking forward to seeing you at Christmas, you know.”
“Me too.” Felix swallows, trying to tamper the hurt in his chest. This is how his dad reacts to an androgynous picture of him in a magazine, what will he say when he finds out about Chan? Will he hate him? He knows that he shouldn’t care, that his dad’s homophobic opinion shouldn’t mean anything, and also that in terms of ignorance, he still has it really good compared to others. Some people get thrown out on the street when they tell their parents they’re gay. Felix’s dad just… feels ashamed of him for it. And that hurts. It hurts more than he thought it would even though his father has been this way about it the entire time. Some part of Felix always thinks he’s going to come around. “I um… I gotta go wash up and help with dinner. I’ll talk to you soon, Dad.”
“Alright, talk soon.”
Felix mumbles a goodbye and hangs up, throwing his forearm over his eyes as he lets out a quiet sob. Fuck, he had been doing so much better at crying less, but this shit with his dad always gets him. He just feels like such a disappointment no matter what. He’s always tried to be a good kid. He always had good grades and he never got in trouble. He kept his faith and had been active in church his whole childhood. He knows his parents were disappointed in him when he left for Korea, but he proved himself and they’re glad that he did it now. But no matter what he does, he’ll still be gay. Their only son is still going to be a queer. If it was just his mom and sisters, he would feel okay, but with his dad, how can he ever tell them about Chan? He has someone he loves so much that makes him so happy and he can’t even share it with his family.
He wipes his eyes and snivels, sitting up and looking hesitantly over at his shoes. Chan is nearby in the studio. The dorms are adjacent to the company building, Felix could be with him in five minutes if he wants to. Should he go?
He told himself that he would go to Chan if he was crying about something real, something a normal person would cry about. That’s what this is, isn’t it? Ugh, he feels like an embarrassment to his whole family. He feels like his dad will never be proud of him unless he marries a woman. He feels broken and ashamed and guilty for being a bad son no matter how illogical he knows it is. This isn’t just him being sensitive, he really feels like sobbing and he shouldn’t have to feel that way alone.
He’ll go to Chan. He’ll go to the person he loves most in the world and trust that he’ll be met with comfort and understanding even if Chan is a little busy when Felix arrives. Plus, Jisung and Minho are together at the other dorm and he doesn’t want to burden his straight dongsaengs, Seungmin and Jeongin, with all of his daddy issues. He needs his boyfriend, his hyung, his best friend.
Felix runs a hand through his hair to neaten it and slides out of bed, toeing on his shoes and grabbing a beanie for the cold. Chan had left his hoodie on his desk chair the night before, so he takes that too, tucking his hands into the kangaroo pocket and breathing in the familiar scent of him.
He grabs his keys on the way out and does his best to contain his emotion. He just needs to hold it in for a few minutes. He trusts that when Chan sees him, he’ll be able to let it all out in the comfort of someone he feels safe with. For now, he just needs to get to him.
Felix walks quickly out of the dorms and through the brisk night air, watching his feet as he goes, swiping himself into the company building and making a beeline for the elevator closest to the entrance before someone can recognize him and say hello. His stomach hurts with anxiety and the lump in his throat aches from the effort of holding everything in as he shuts himself in the elevator. He hates the effect his dad has on him, how a little scolding and some mild disappointment makes him want to curl up in a ball, but it just hurts him. He’s so far from home. He wants to know his family is proud of what he’s doing over here, but apparently, he’s just an embarrassment.
The elevator rushes him up to the fourteenth floor where the recording studios reside. At this time of night, there won’t be many people around other than producers and idols like Chan who shut themselves in a sound booth to work all night long.
As he steps out into the empty hallway and looks down at where the door to 3RACHA’s studio room is, he takes a deep breath.
He’s sure Chan will understand.