Chapter Text
Chan thinks something in his brain is broken tonight. He’s been trying session after session, but company leadership hasn’t heard a single in any of the songs he’s pitched for weeks now. Too political, too adult, not catchy enough. All of his love songs come out way too obviously about Felix. He’s running out of things to write about — all of his inspiration is from topics the company won’t approve of.
But he carries on, trying again and again, searching for a sound that sticks, but he’s getting frustrated. He’s been trying to take better care of himself lately. He’s been spending less late nights at the studio and coming home to Felix instead, trying to sleep a normal human amount and spend more time with the person he loves. He’s felt a lot better overall, but it’s a kick to the teeth when the lost studio time comes back to bite him in the ass. It’s a give and take. He can put in less hours writing and recording, but when writer’s block hits him and he’s not making the most of the hours he has in the booth, the stress really starts to set in.
Chan deletes the tracks on his screen and swears under his breath, going back to the drawing board for the fourth time tonight. If the company would just let him write what he really wants, he could create something incredible. When he’s able to write purely with the group in mind, with his own artistic voice, with his ideas, he makes music he loves, but right now, when his goal is just to make something the company will like, he’s completely stuck.
He feels the beginning of a migraine coming on. He has nothing to show for the time he’s spent here tonight, meaning he has hours ahead of him before he can even think about going home. Maybe he shouldn’t have been turning in earlier after all. Both Changbin and Jisung have spent later nights in the studio the past week and made much more progress than he has. Of course, they’ve had productive sessions together, but as writers and producers, it’s important to have time alone with their own ideas, their own creative process. Except right now, Chan is the only one with nothing to show for his.
He rubs at his eyes and huffs, reaching for the half empty water bottle beside him and chugging the remainder in the hopes a little hydration might stop the migraine, but the ache behind his eyes is persistent, throbbing. He hates this. Music is the one thing he’s good at and when he can’t make his usual magic happen, he feels worthless.
He just needs to focus and grind this out. He can do it. He gave Jisung and Changbin strict instructions not to bother him tonight or intervene in any way. Knowing he’s had a bit of writer's block this week, he wanted to tough it out and prove he can crank out a good song on his own even if he’s having some creative obstacles. So far though, he’s only proving himself wrong.
What’s the matter with him?
He tries another beat and hates it.
He tries mixing a new sample he’d been keeping in his back pocket into something fresh and new, but none of it sounds better than the original.
He tries free styling and seeing what comes out if he just lets himself word vomit, but his mind goes blank after barely a stanza’s worth of lines.
He feels like crying.
Is he even worthy of being the leader? So much of Stray Kids’ fate rests in the hands of 3RACHA, but right now, Chan is hardly pulling his weight. Maybe he just isn’t good enough anymore. Maybe he should leave the bulk of the song writing to Jisung and Changbin this time around.
Chan tears a page out of his notebook and swears again, squeezing his eyes shut in a mix of pain and frustration as the pain in his head starts to pound in his temples. He’s so frustrated and angry with himself, he wants to throw a tantrum, like he’s a kid again, trying his fucking hardest to do his math homework and getting every question wrong anyways. What’s the point? Hot tears sting at his eyes and his only brief solace is the relief that he’s alone, that no one is seeing him like this. He’s honestly about to shout and swear just to get the awful angry feeling out of his system when a knock at the studio door nearly startles him out of his chair.
Are they fucking kidding? Chan does not want to be seen right now and he gave Changbin and Jisung incredibly explicit instructions to leave him alone tonight. What more does he have to say? Can anyone respect his space for fight fucking minutes? He stays glaring at the torn pave in his notebook, fists clenched as the door swings open and he snaps without so much as looking over his shoulder. “I need to be left the fuck alone right now, what could you possibly want?!” He seethes, the words still coming out much more harshly than he’d ever intend. It’s just the worst timing. He’s in a low moment. He doesn’t want to be seen and he asked his friends to stay away. Why can’t they give him that? Why are they here?
Chan whips around, glaring, only to freeze at the unexpected sight in front of him.
It’s not Jisung or Changbin.
Felix is looking at him, tears rolling down his cheeks, his expression a mix of shock and such gut wrenching hurt that Chan feels his heart plummet. His lips are parted as if he was just about to call Chan’s name, but was cut off by his outburst, leaving him hanging with the words caught in his throat.
“Felix-“ Chan stands, intent on rushing towards him to apologize a million times over, but Felix just takes a step back from him and sobs.
“Nevermind, leave me alone,” Felix cries, hastily wiping his cheeks and backing out into the hall. “I’m going away, just do your fucking work.”
“Baby, wait, please, please, I didn’t know it was you.” Chan goes rushing after him, stepping out into the hall and following Felix’s back as he heads towards the elevator. His heart is pounding and he feels sick to his stomach. Felix had already been crying when he opened the door. He’d come to the studio for a reason. He’d come looking for him and Chan had bitten his head off the second he opened the door. “Lix? Lix, please, I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
“You clearly don’t want to be interrupted, so just go back and forget I was here,” Felix croaks, reaching the elevator doors and hastily pressing the down arrow. The indicator above says the elevator is almost ten floors away, leaving him stuck waiting for it while Chan searches frantically for the right thing to say.
“I’m so sorry I snapped at you like that, jagiya, I didn’t know it was you,” Chan pleads. “Tell me what’s wrong. You came looking for me for a reason, yeah? Please, tell me whatever it is. I’m here for you, I was just… I-I thought you were Bin-ah or someone and I told them not to help me in the studio tonight. I would never yell at you like that.”
“I know you hate it when I cry like this,” Felix says and he looks so defeated as another sob escapes his lips. He’s keeping his head down, looking at his feet instead of at Chan. Chan sees a teardrop run down the bridge of his perfect freckled nose and drip onto the floor as he blinks at him, dumb founded.
“What?” Chan shakes his head. “Baby, where would you ever get that idea? I don’t hate it when you cry. I’m always here for you, why would I… Lix?” The elevator dings and the doors slide open, Felix rushing inside and punching the button for the ground floor like it’s offended him.
“I’ll deal with it on my own,” Felix sniffles, looking up so Chan sees his beautiful eyes turned pink and wet with tears before the elevator doors shut in his face and he’s gone.
He’s gone.
Chan spends a moment just blinking at the elevator doors, trying to compute everything that just happened in the span of less than a minute. Did that really just happen? It feels like one of his nightmares, the kind that’s more like a stress dream than any kind of surrealist horror. He’s always been so careful not to let Felix see this despised part of himself, his anger, the feeling that makes him feel like his dad when his temper used to scare Chan and his siblings. He didn’t even just raise his voice at Felix, he cursed at him. He chased him away when Felix was obviously coming to him with a problem.
Chan’s eyes well up as the realization hits him all at once. This happened. He screamed in the face of the person he loves most in the world and he showed someone precious the ugliest side of himself. He backs up from the elevator and walks quickly down the hall back towards the studio, rushing to shut himself away, to hide from the world before someone can see him. His breath is picking up as he goes, sharp shallow breaths that seem to deliver less and less oxygen with each gasping intake.
His fingers tremble as he punches in the passcode and opens the door, shutting it tight behind him as his feet carry him past the desk and into the sound booth. He shuts that door too, isolating himself in the soundproof booth just in time to press his head against the wall and scream.
He hates himself. He hates that he gets angry. It’s bad enough that he hurt Felix, but the worst part of it all is that he scared him. He saw the startled look in Felix’s eyes, the way he was frightened, even if it was just a fleeting moment. Felix had opened that door seeking support from his boyfriend and he’d gotten screamed at.
He’s crying now, his vision bleary and his nose snotty as he hiccups, trying to take a deep breath, but coming up short. There was a time when Chan would make himself get through this alone — hyperventilate until he felt like fainting, cry everything out where no one could hear him, maybe even hurt himself a little if it would make the panic attack end, but he’s not supposed to do that anymore. Even though he feels like an asshole, like someone who doesn’t deserve an ounce of comfort from anyone right now, he pulls his phone out and texts.
To: Changbinnie
I’m sorry I know I said no one should bother me tonight
To: Changbinnie
But I fucked up really bad
He sniffles and lets himself out of the sound booth after sending the messages, wiping his eyes and trying to get a handle on his breathing when his phone buzzes.
From: Changbinnie
You okay hyung??
From: Changbinnie
I’ll be right there 🏃🏻 💨
Chan almost smiles, grateful for the way Changbin can make any heavy situation feel lighter, but he’s miserable as he drops onto the studio couch, scrubbing a tired hand over his face.
Why did Felix say Chan hates when he cries? He’s never thought that before. If anything, he just feels bad when Felix cries so easily, knowing it can sometimes embarrass him. But if anything, Chan always felt special that Felix would trust him with his tears. Lately, Felix hasn’t been crying all that much, which couldn’t be a bad thing, could it? It feels like there’s something big that he’s missing and he doesn’t know what it is. He can’t even ask Felix to talk to him about it because how the hell is Felix supposed to feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable with him ever again after Chan just cursed him out of the studio? Another sob bubbles up from his lips and he hopes he can stop his own blubbering before Changbin arrives. Unlike the angelic way his boyfriend tends to weep, Chan considers himself to be an absolutely hideous crier and he’s not keen on being seen mid-panic attack. But he’d promised Felix a long time ago that he’d always reach out to someone if it happened. He’s fucked up enough without breaking a promise to Felix on top of everything.
A heavy knock on the door sounds and Chan feels his stomach twist. He shouldn’t be burdening his friend like this, especially one of his members, someone younger than him even if they’re best friends. This isn’t Changbin’s job.
“Hyung? I’m coming in, yeah?” Changbin warns before he punches the password in and enters the room, shutting the door quickly behind him. He’s dressed in joggers and a black t-shirt, his hair natural and a little fluffy, face adorned with just glasses — his usual cozy style. Chan is relieved he didn’t interrupt him at the gym or about to go out.
“Um…” Chan’s mouth wobbles as he looks up at his friend. “Hey?”
“Hyung…” Changbin blinks at him. “What happened?”
“I-I um…” Chan shrugs his shoulders and sniffs, the lump in his throat aching as he tries to swallow it. “I think I might have made Felix hate me.”
“What?” Changbin laughs and comes over to sit by his side, throwing an arm around his shoulders and squeezing. “Hyung, Felix thinks you hung the moon. He fawns every time you even make eye contact with him.”
“I yelled at him,” Chan croaks, wringing his hands in his lap, feeling sick to his stomach even as Changbin rubs his back. “H-He came by the studio and I was having a really hard time. I was angry, and I thought he was someone else, I… I-I just screamed at him, what’s wrong with me?” He’s crying again before he can stop it and Changbin is hugging him, guiding his head to his shoulder and squeezing tight.
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Changbin hushes. “Everyone fucks up sometimes. You didn’t mean it.”
“I scared him.” Chan sniffles, letting Changbin’s shirt absorb his tears. When was the last time he let someone see him cry this way? Not just being emotional on stage, but when he’s a shaky mess of raw nerves, breath hitching, stuttering on his words. “He ran from me, h-he left.”
“You just made a mistake, hyung, it’s alright. You just snapped at him when he came in the door?”
“I didn’t even hear him put the code in, the door just opened and I thought someone was barging in.” Chan lifts his head and wipes his eyes. “I said something like I need to be left the fuck alone, what do you want?” His mouth wobbles remembering the look on Felix’s face. “I mean, if that had been you or Hannie, that would have been so fucked up to yell at you guys like that too. I don’t know what came over me, I had just been having such a shitty session and I was down on myself, I just…”
“You snapped.” Changbin shrugs his shoulders. “You were frustrated and someone came in at the wrong time. It happens to the best of us. Remember when I was all tired and cranky and totally bit Sung’s head off?”
Chan nods his head. It had sucked the air out of the room when it happened. Jisung is similar to Felix — emotionally at least. He had looked shocked and gutted and burst into tears at Changbin’s raised voice, apologizing over and over while Changbin practically fell over himself to take it back. They’d made up quickly, Changbin apologizing vehemently and taking Jisung out for ramen to decompress after. “You guys were fine.”
“Yeah, but I was still an asshole for a second. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything wrong, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t make me an awful person. At the end of it, me and Sungie were actually closer.” He claps Chan on the back, rubbing a little between his shoulder blades. “You messed up, but you’ll apologize, and I’m sure Felix will understand. You can make it up to him.”
“I don’t know.” Chan feels his mouth wobble. “It feels deeper than that, he looked like he was already crying when he opened the door. I-I think he was coming here because he needed me and I ran him off.”
“Did he tell you why he came?”
Chan shakes his head. “And now I’m worried sick. I don’t even know if he’s okay.” He wipes his eyes again and hiccups, hoping that someone else intercepted Felix to check on him, give him the comfort and support Chan completely denied him tonight.
“Hm.” Changbin pulls his phone from his pocket and fires off a quick text before pocketing it again. “Jisung will check on him. He’s good with Felix when he’s upset.”
Chan nods, grateful for Changbin’s intervention even if he feels guilty for creating such a mess that others are having to clean up. He feels the panic lessen, knowing someone is checking on Felix. “Maybe he’s the best one for Felix to go to anyways… He said that he knows I hate when he cries and I have no idea where he got that from.” He sighs and finally takes a successful deep breath in, filling his lungs to the brink, holding it in, then blowing it out slowly. He’s getting a handle on himself.
“What do you mean?”
“I followed him down the hall just saying I was sorry and that he could talk to me and he… He said ‘I know you hate it when I cry like this.’” Chan frowns, trying to pick out any other clue in the memory. Why would Felix say that? He’s never had a problem with Felix crying. In fact, he loves that he’s sensitive. It helps him remember that it’s okay to cry, to be vulnerable, to not be strong and tough all the time. “I don’t know why he would think that.”
Changbin bites his lip.
“…Bin?”
“I might have an idea?” Changbin winces. “Ah, Jisung can’t keep a secret to save his life. It was just a small thing.”
“What is it?” Chan feels his chest tighten. A secret? Did Felix say something?
“I think it’s possible Yongbokkie got in his head that his crying is embarrassing.” Changbin sighs and shakes his head. “Look, don’t beat yourself up. It was seriously a really small mistake, but according to Jisung, a few weeks back… Bokkie was tearing up at the airport and you just did an all nighter, so I think you were just half asleep, but I think you told him to keep it together in front of the cameras or something like that? So he sat with Jisung-ah on the flight until you woke up a little more and his feelings were kind of hurt about it. You guys were totally fine though, I remember switching seats just so he could cuddle with you and stuff.”
Chan feels sick. He doesn’t remember that in the slightest. He told Felix to keep it together for the cameras? That doesn’t sound like him. He would never mean to say that to Felix if he was crying. “I said that?”
“Something like that? I’m not entirely sure, but it’s my best guess as to where Felix might be coming from with the crying thing.”
“I am literally the worst boyfriend in the world.”
“Hyung.” Changbin rolls his eyes. “You are not. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, I’m saying this so you and Lix can work this out. Nobody’s perfect. People hurt each other’s feelings by accident all the time, you just need to talk it through.”
Chan feels his lips quiver again. “He won’t want to talk to me now though.”
“Just let him cool down a little. You guys will be okay.”
“I feel like the worst person in the world.” Chan deflates and leans into Changbin again, sniffling as his friend squeezes his shoulder. “Sorry for wrecking your night.”
“My night’s not wrecked.” Changbin claps him on the back and stands up, cocking his head towards the door. “You’re not getting anything done right now, so let’s go get ramyeon or something, yeah? On me.”
Chan’s eyes start to well up again, touched.
“Okay you are not allowed to cry over ramen, hyung.”
*****
Felix feels like his heart is being twisted in his chest, tears blurring his vision as the elevator doors close. It’s still racing, pounding hard from being startled by Chan’s outburst on top of the awful sting of being turned away by him. He’s crying too hard to hold back and he doesn’t know what to do or where to go. He just knows he doesn’t want to be seen right now.
He’d taken a leap of faith in going to Chan tonight. He’d trusted that even if his boyfriend was busy working, that he would care if Felix was hurting, that he would be there for him. Felix had convinced himself his insecurity was unfounded only to have it proven completely true. He’d opened that studio door fully believing that he would be able to fall into a warm hug and have Chan reassure him, but instead, the person he loves most had screamed in his face.
Logically, he knows Chan thought he was someone else. He knows that he shouted before realizing it was Felix standing in the doorway, but it proved that Chan was busy and that his intrusion was a burden, that his crying was a nuisance. He feels so humiliated, like a scolded child as he wipes his eyes and hurries out of the elevator.
He rushes out of the building, head down to make the walk back to the dorms. Maybe he can just shut himself in his room and cry it out without bothering anyone else. God, Chan must be sick of him.
He walks as quickly as he can without drawing attention, fumbling with the keys to the front door of the dorm and saying a silent prayer that the living room will be empty. When he gets inside, by some miracle, there’s no one in the living room or the kitchen to see him before he shuts himself in his room.
Felix falls onto the bed and buries his face in the pillow, letting out what he was holding in and sobbing as much as he needs. The sound is muffled enough that he’s confident no one will hear him, so he cries instead of resisting or suppressing the urge. It feels like his heart is being squeezed in his chest. His dad took something that he was proud and confident in and made him feel embarrassed and ashamed. His boyfriend bit his head off when he went to him for comfort and reassurance. Is he just a burden to everyone? He doesn’t even want to try reaching out for anyone else in this moment. He’ll only annoy them and eventually all his friends will start resenting his stupid blubbering and oversensitivity just like Chan. One of the worst parts of this feeling is that he’s angry too. He’s angry that Chan snapped at him like that when he was vulnerable, when he needed him, but at the same time, maybe Felix deserved that. Maybe he’s too needy, too annoying, too sensitive. Who wouldn’t snap at him eventually?
The sound of the front door opening startles him, making him raise his head from the pillow and listen nervously as foot steps approach. Did Chan follow him back to try and apologize more? He’s honestly not ready for that yet. He’s hurt and he’s too insecure to let Chan see him crying even more.
A light knock at the door makes Felix flinch.
“Bokkie?” Jisung’s concerned voice comes from the other side of the door. “You in there?”
Felix’s mouth wobbles. Jisung came to check on him? Did Chan text him to? “Yeah,” he answers quietly, wiping his eyes as he gets out of bed and shuffles up to the door.
“Can I come in?”
Felix opens the door, mouth wobbling when he sees the genuine worry in Jisung’s eyes. He came to see him even though he knew he was probably crying his eyes out and being dramatic. “H-Hey, hyung…”
“Oh, Lix…” Jisung steps into the room and throws an arm around Felix’s shoulders, guiding him back to sit on the side of the bed. “Binnie hyung texted me that you and Chan had a fight. You want to talk about it?” He keeps the arm around Felix’s shoulders and doesn’t pull away when he starts to tearfully recount what happened. He just listens, rubbing Felix’s back and humming to show that he’s listening.
Felix tells him about the call with his dad and about how he’s been trying really hard to cry less in front of people since the incident at the airport. He talks about how nervous he’d been to go approach Chan for help after his dad made him feel so awful over the phone and how Chan had reacted when he walked into the studio. Jisung nods his head in understanding, never invalidating a word Felix says, letting him calm down at his own pace as he speaks.
“I think there’s something it might make you feel better to know about Channie hyung,” Jisung says, leaning back on Felix’s headboard and gesturing for him to come sit next to him.
“This is why people say you can’t keep secrets, you know,” Felix teases through his sniffling, crawling up to lie next to him. “What is it?”
“You know how you’ve been hiding your crying and everything from him?” Jisung raises an eyebrow. “Which I think the record should show I advised you against.”
Felix rolls his eyes. “Yes.”
“I think Channie does the same thing when he feels angry.”
“What do you mean?” Felix frowns. He’s seen Chan angry before. He certainly saw it an hour ago.
“I think it has something to do with his dad, I don’t know, but he seems to get really guilty and ashamed when he feels angry.” Jisung shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not something he’s told me explicitly, but whenever he gets mad or frustrated, even if it’s not at us or it’s totally justifiable, he gets super apologetic. He goes off by himself to calm down and he seems especially on guard about it with you, like he thinks he’ll scare you or that you won’t trust him if you see him angry.” Jisung pushes his hair out of his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I might just be reading into things too much, but I think you guys are both assuming how the other person would perceive your feelings rather than just talking about them.”
“I didn’t know he was doing that.” Felix stops and thinks, trying to recall the last time he saw Chan mad. He guesses Jisung is right. Sure, he’s seen him a little cranky or frustrated, but Felix hasn’t seen him lash out or snap or raise his voice since their earliest time together when Chan was panicking about any of them being cut in the survival show.
Chan did tell him a little about his dad. He says that he worked on it a lot and really changed, but it was mostly after Chan was out of the house. When he was younger, his dad was a really angry person it seems. Chan had once mentioned to Felix that he never wanted to be a man like that, someone who can only communicate anger and not his other emotions. It makes sense. But did he do something to make Chan feel like he had to hide away whenever he felt angry? Sure, Felix is pretty sensitive when anger is directed towards him, but otherwise, he thinks he would be there for Chan. He’d help him calm down, let him vent, talk it through. Does Chan know that?
“He doesn’t need to hide that from me,” Felix says, his heart heavy with the thought of Chan feeling the need to spare him from his own emotions. “He scared me earlier because he yelled at me, but just being angry isn’t a crime. I’d be there for him no matter what he was feeling.”
“And I bet he would say the same thing to you about your crying.”
Felix crinkles his nose. He hates when Jisung makes sense — it’s so rare too.
“And not that it excuses anything and you don’t have to forgive him for yelling in your face like that tonight, accident or not, but he’s probably beating himself up for it like crazy.” Jisung shakes his head. “You guys are so self punishing.”
“…Is he okay?” Despite his hurt, worry curls in his gut.
“Binnie’s with him. I’m sure he’s fine, but I’m sure he also feels terrible for yelling at you.”
Felix pouts. Even if he has every right to be hurt and upset, it pains him to think about Chan being so harsh on himself. Maybe they should talk… But there’s so many people around in both dorms and he doesn’t want to have a heart to heart in the studio. It’s getting late and it’s dark out, maybe it wouldn’t be too risky to go walk by the river? “Do you think he’d talk if I reached out?”
“Of course. Chan would probably, like, juggle flaming bowling pins if you just asked him to.”
“Okay, he’s not that whipped.”
“Oh, yes he is.”
Felix rolls his eyes and cuddles close to Jisung as he pulls out his phone, chewing on his lower lip as he drafts a text and hands it to him for approval.
To: Channie 💕
I’m sorry I ran off so fast. Can we talk?
Jisung nods and sends the text for him, laughing when the three little dots pop up immediately with Chan’s typing. “Here, he’s already texting back.”
From: Channie 💕
Don’t be sorry, I’m so sorry for yelling at you like that!! Of course we can talk, where do you want to meet?
From: Channie 💕
I’m so so sorry, Lix..
From: Channie 💕
I love you
Felix’s eyes water the tiniest bit at the words, already feeling soothed just knowing that Chan cares his feelings were hurt. He texts back without hesitation.
To: Channie 💕
I love you too. Can we go to our spot at Han River?
From: Channie 💕
I can come right now
To: Channie 💕
Don’t run!!! I’ll see you in a few
Felix sits himself up and groans as he stretches out his arms. “Is it pathetic that this is our first big fight and it’s only lasted maybe an hour?”
“Gay,” Jisung says as he pulls out his own phone to text Minho about his impending return. “Are you feeling okay? I can stick around if you want.”
“Go back to your date night, hyung.” Felix walks around the bed and bends to give Jisung a big hug, squeezing until he makes a choked off sound that makes Felix giggle. “Thanks for checking on me.”
“Anytime,” he croaks. “Geeze, you’re stronger than you let on.”
Felix dons a hoodie to hide his face and leaves the building with Jisung, parting only when he turns in the direction of the river to go and meet Chan. The Han River is long and expansive, dotted with parks along its edges, food stalls, and attractions. Not far from their dorms though, if they walk along the river past the park, they come to a rock garden, shielded from view by an implanted bamboo forest. During the day, plenty of people will wander through the stone path, exploring the riverside area, but at night, it’s almost always empty. The cool stone of the walkway makes for an easy alert system too — footsteps are audible and the bamboo shields them from sight — plenty of warning before anyone could come across them.
Thus, their perfect spot. Tucked away, near the center of the garden in its own little alcove, is a stone bench you can’t see until you turn a corner and face it directly. It’s one of the few places he and Chan can kiss in the open air, can have truly private conversations.
Felix half expects Chan to beat him there, knowing him, but he’s the first to arrive. He listens carefully as he walks through the garden, but he doesn’t hear any other voices or another pair of footsteps. The wind is a little more biting than he anticipated, cutting through the thin cotton of the hoodie he’d chosen. By the time he reaches the cold stone bench, he’s shivering, crossing his arms over his chest and hugging himself as he waits. He hopes this conversation goes well because he could really use Chan’s body heat right about now.
Barely a minute goes by before Felix hears a hurried pair of footsteps on the slate flagstones. He’s relieved to find that his heart flutters at the sound. He’s happy to hear Chan approaching, not anxious or afraid, even if they’re still technically having their first fight.
Chan rounds the corner to the alcove, his nose pink from walking fast against the cold wind, eyes looking sore like he’s been crying. “Sorry, I came as fast as I could without running.” He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair, glancing nervously at the empty spot beside Felix like he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to sit or not.
“Come here.” Felix pats the space beside him, letting Chan sit down before he reaches his hand out.
“Shit, you’re cold.” Chan frowns and takes Felix’s one hand in both of his, bringing it up to his lips to breathe out against it and warm his fingers. He leans in like he’s about to kiss the back of his hand before he seems to catch himself, blinking sadly up at Felix instead. “Baby, I’m so sorry for yelling at you like that earlier, I don’t even know how to tell you.”
“I know you are.” Felix scootches closer to him on the bench, reaching out to tuck a stray piece of hair back behind Chan’s ear and letting his touch linger.
“I really didn’t know it was you.” Chan’s voice is unsteady, uncharacteristically quiet. “I shouldn’t talk like that to anyone, but especially not you. I just had the worst writer’s block tonight and I was feeling so frustrated and so bad about myself. Honestly, I thought I was about to cry and then the door startled me and I totally lashed out.” He shakes his head at himself, squeezing Felix’s hand. “I can’t forgive myself for making you cry like that. You looked so…” He stops and sniffs, looking at Felix with big brown eyes, impossible not to melt into. “Lix, you deserve so much better than that.”
Before saying a word, Felix takes his hand away and offers his arms instead, holding them out for Chan to fall into.
Chan hesitates a moment, glancing at Felix to quietly ask ‘are you sure?’ before his lips tremble and he lets himself surge forward to hug Felix like it’s the last he’ll ever get. He locks his arms around his waist and buries his face in his neck, breath hitching once as he squeezes tight. “I love you so much. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he croaks and for once, Felix hushes him. He kisses the top of his head and rubs his back through his jacket, all the things that Chan does for him when he’s crying, when he needs someone.
“It’s okay, Channie, it’s okay,” Felix murmurs, nuzzling his nose affectionately into his hair. “Everyone messes up sometimes. I’m not upset. I love you too.”
“I thought you might hate me.”
“I could never hate you.”
“I was so mean to you.”
“Snapping at me once doesn’t negate the thousand times you’ve held me just like this.” Felix squeezes him to emphasize his point, smiling softly when Chan squeezes him back. It’s rare to see Chan truly vulnerable like this. He’s always trying to protect everyone, to look out for everyone but himself. Their fearless leader. But right now, he’s just Chris. He’s the boy Felix loves and Felix doesn’t want him to hate himself for one mistake. “It’s okay,” he repeats, holding Chan tight until he’s ready to lift his head.
“What did you mean when you said I hate it when you cry?” Chan asks, reaching again for Felix’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “I don’t feel that way at all. I always want you to come to me when you need to.”
Felix winces. Having to say it out loud, it does feel a little dramatic in retrospect, but… “A few weeks ago at the airport, I was freaking out a little bit. I know I shouldn’t have been looking, but I saw this mean thing online about a mistake I made on stage and we were getting rushed by all these cameras. I reached out for you and you kind of just shrugged me off?” Felix sighs. “It was honestly nothing. You were half asleep and you had just done an all nighter. I don’t think you even remember this, but I kind of got in my head that maybe my crying was kind of… embarrassing.” He shrugs his shoulders. “I can be really sensitive and it has to be a burden on you when I’m getting all blubbery over nothing all the time. It can’t be attractive.”
“Lix, I’ve never felt embarrassed about your crying, are you kidding?” Chan actually laughs and reaches up to cup Felix’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb. “Baby, do you have any idea how much I admire you for that? God, I was raised on all that ‘boys don’t cry’ bullshit and it made it so hard to express myself at all. Then you come along and make it look so easy. I love how you feel everything so deeply. You’re special for that. You help me be better.”
“Really?” Felix nuzzles his cheek into Chan’s palm, letting out a long breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. “I didn’t want you to think I was childish or something.”
“You’re not childish.” Chan shakes his head. “You’re braver than I am, holding stuff in all the time just to avoid dealing with it.”
“Yeah, about that.” Felix knocks his knee against Chan’s. “Are you hiding from me whenever you feel angry about anything?”
Chan narrows his eyes. “Han Jisung…”
“You should know better by now.” Felix giggles and kisses the side of Chan’s nose. “He didn’t tell me anything you told him, but I think his theory was right. Do you think I’ll be afraid of you or something? You don’t have to hide that from me, hyung. Sure, I’ll be scared if you yell at me or something, but if you’re just angry and upset? There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Now it’s Chan’s turn to wince. He looks away, suddenly enraptured by the raked pebbles of the zen garden beside them. “I don’t want to be an angry person.”
“You’re not an angry person, but it’s normal to feel angry sometimes. It’s okay to feel that way.”
“I guess, but…” Chan shakes his head. “When Dad was angry, it didn’t matter if he wasn’t mad at one of us. It put the whole house on edge. It made Luke and Hannah scared and my mom would just be walking on eggshells. I don’t want to make people feel that way.”
“Well… I take it your dad would probably stomp around the house huffing and puffing and stuff right? Cursing under his breath, waiting for someone to give him a reason to lose his temper at them?” Felix isn’t a stranger to how men their fathers’ age act when they’re pissed off. He’d never been afraid of his dad, but he knows how uncomfortable it felt when he was in a bad mood.
“Yeah, a lot like that.”
“That’s different than just talking about how you feel, than just feeling your emotions, even if that emotion is anger.” Felix runs his thumb in little circles over the back of Chan’s hand, smiling softly when he turns to look at him again. “You don’t have to hide that from me, okay? I know I cry a lot, but I’m not actually made of glass. I want to be here for you just like you are for me.“
“Well now you’re gonna make me cry,” Chan says with a roll of his eyes, leaning into Felix’s side and resting his head on his shoulder. “I’ll try not to hide it from you anymore… Thanks, Lix.”
“You don’t have to say thank you. You’re not a favor.”
Chan smiles, recognizing his own words. “Do you want to tell me about what was wrong before I yelled at you? You looked like something happened.”
“Ugh.” Felix groans and tilts his head back against the bamboo. “Our dads are just on a roll I guess. He called me and made me feel like shit about the shoot I did for W Korea. He said I need to dress more like a boy and stop giving people the wrong idea.”
Chan rolls his eyes hard. “Seriously? You came out to him. He knows what he’s implying when he says that shit.”
“Mhm, but he pretends it never happened.” Felix clucks his tongue and shrugs. “But honestly it’s whatever. I’m kind of all cried out and I’m not gonna let him ruin that photoshoot for me. I was really proud of it.”
“You should be, it was great.” Chan brings their joined hands to his lips and follows through on the kiss this time, pressing his lips against the back of Felix’s hand. “I’m sorry he said that to you.”
“It’s alright.”
“We should frame that photo of you in the mini skirt and give it to him for Christmas.”
“Oh my God.”
“Or get your whole family some of those cringey rainbow pride pajamas and see if he catches on.”
“Channie.”
“I could also challenge him to a fight? One on one, me and Mr. Lee.”
“Shut up,” Felix cackles, falling into him as Chan slings an arm around his shoulders. “You’re so dumb.”
“That means you have a dumb boyfriend.” Chan pouts. “That’s embarrassing for you.”
“You’re the embarrassing one.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know, aren’t you still the dumb one in this scenario? You’re making me lose track of my own burn.”
“Maybe I’m smarter than you think.” Chan wiggles his eyebrows and Felix grabs the collar of his jacket, yanking him into a kiss before he can say something else stupid and funny that will make him snort. He shuts him up instead by pressing their lips firmly together, humming happily into the kiss when Chan relaxes against him and kisses back.
Felix remembers how cold he is, coiling his arms around Chan’s neck as their lips open and close, meeting over and over again in kiss after kiss. He sucks Chan’s lower lip into his mouth and treasures the soft sound he makes in response, pushing one hand up into his hair and gripping. It’s the best kind of kiss. It’s the kind that makes his brain feel slow and honeyed, his heart beating hard, but not fast, like it’s syncing up with Chan’s, like they’re so perfectly in tune with another that they’re becoming one and the same. Chan’s lips are pillowy soft and warm, the perfect antidote to the biting cold air.
His dick twitches with interest, but Felix pays it little mind as Chan licks into his mouth, makes him purr as he runs his tongue over the sharp points of his teeth. If they were in private, this is when Chan’s hand would slide between his legs and tease his cock through his pants, always making him hard and messy before he even lets Felix undress. Felix is craving his hand already, squirming a bit as his hips try to roll against nothing.
“Needy,” Chan chuckles when he pulls back, just barely, his breath still a soft puff against Felix’s lips. “You want me to touch you?”
Felix puts on his best pout and nods his head, giving Chan’s head some little scratches as extra incentive. “We had a big fight, don’t we get to have make up sex?”
“As long as you don’t mind certain roommates overhearing.”
“I’ll send a courtesy warning text,” Felix says, leaning back in to peck Chan on the lips, then on both cheeks, then one more time on the tip of his nose. “Can we?”
“Of course.” Chan leans in and nuzzles their noses together, an absolutely obscene display of affection that makes Felix smile and giggle a bit at the cheesiness. He loves when Chan is cheesy. “Are you okay though? After all that?”
“Are you?”
Chan nods.
“Then so am I.” Felix shrugs his shoulders and pulls away only to slide his phone out of his pocket, firing off a text to his fellow dorm occupants that he’s sorry in advance, but Chan will be coming over for a little ‘couples time.’
Minho is at the other dorm with Jisung, so he spares him, but Seungmin sends a vomiting emoji in response, and Jeongin reacts with a thumbs down. They’re fine.
They untangle themselves from each other and reluctantly leave the zen garden, holding hands until they exit the cover of the bamboo, but it doesn’t stop them from walking close the whole way. When they can’t hold hands, they walk pretty much shoulder to shoulder and every time Chan nudges him with his elbow, it’s like he’s squeezing his palm.
They walk hurriedly through the cold air, giggling when they stumble a bit or trip over their own feet. Chan keeps Felix close, rubbing his arms for him to keep warm when they have to stop and wait to cross the street only to take off again the moment they have the go ahead.
Back at the dorm, Felix yanks Chan inside and gives a cursory glance around. No members in sight. The two youngest are probably in their rooms and he’ll have to beg their forgiveness later, but Felix has mind blowing make up sex to have and he’s too worked up to feel too much shame over it. He drags Chan by the hand into his bedroom and locks the door, sighing when he finds himself immediately pressed up against it.
“Let me warm you up, baby,” Chan murmurs as he buries his face in Felix’s neck and begins to lavish it in warm kisses, chasing the chill of the night air away.
Felix lets his eyes flutter shut, biting his lip as he widens his stance to allow Chan’s hips to press flush against his own. His neck is so sensitive, he gets butterflies every time Chan kisses it or even just nuzzles against it. He shivers when Chan nibbles on his ear, rolling his hips needily.
“You’re so cute,” Chan snickers, sliding his hands up Felix’s shirt to hold his waist, squeezing.
“Don’t tickle me.” Felix pouts, which only prompts Chan to kiss him, sucking his lower lip into his mouth in a searing kiss that make him moan, knees weakening at the scrape of Chan’s teeth. He’s so hard already, his dick stiff and messy with pre-come as he grinds unsubtly against Chan. “Hyungie, fuck me,” he whines when he’s released from the kiss, tugging childishly on the hem of Chan’s shirt. “I need it.”
“Oh, you need it?” Chan grins. “Will you die if I don’t give it to you? Will you burst into flames?”
Felix bats his eyes, sticking his lower lip out again ever so slightly. “No, but I’ll be sad… don’t you want to cheer me up?”
“Don’t play dirty.” Chan’s smile softens and he gives Felix another kiss, tender this time, just the firm press of their lips. “I’m gonna take such good care of you,” he whispers, punctuating the statement with another soft touch of his lips, his breath a soft puff of air against Felix’s mouth when he speaks again. “Take your clothes off and get in bed,” he says, bringing a hand up to brush Felix’s hair away from his face and back behind his ear. “I want to warm you up.”
Felix’s whole body hums as he nods his head and gives Chan one more kiss before he’s released, stepping away from the bedroom door and stripping out of his clothes. Chan goes to fetch what they need from the bedside drawer and Felix pulls back his covers to crawl underneath, giggling when he peeks out at Chan, fully naked, but holding the duvet up to his shoulders.
“You’re so fucking cute.” Chan sets the lube and a condom on the nightstand and shakes his head, smiling. The tips of his ears are pink.
“No outside clothes in the bed,” Felix says the moment Chan turns towards him. It’s a pretty lax rule in his bedroom, but he wants to watch Chan undress, wiggling his eyebrows just to make him blush.
“You’re a perv, you know that?” Chan teases as he shrugs off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor as he toes off his shoes. He pulls his shirt off over the back of his head and shakes his hair out, flashing Felix a wink just to make him laugh again. His stripping is utilitarian, removing anything that could become a layer between them. There’s no need to build anticipation when they’re both so eager, so in need of each other’s touch. He crawls under the covers and lies over Felix, weight on his elbows, bodies flush together in the pocket of warmth they’ve created beneath the blankets.
Felix hums happily against Chan’s mouth, wrapping his arms around his broad shoulders and lightly scraping his nails down his back just to feel him shiver. Their hips move together now, grinding slow, but hard as their tongues brush and their lips open and close with kiss after kiss. Any lingering chill from the night is gone. Felix is a low fire beneath the mantle, the curling wick of a long lit candle, soft, warm, and full of light. It feels so fitting when Chan nuzzles against him and murmurs, “ready for more, sunshine?”
Of course he is.
Slick fingers open Felix up easily, his body showing no resistance, an eager invitation as Chan preps him. It’s not hard to stay quiet yet, his whimpers stifled by Chan’s lips against his own, the kisses interrupted only by sweet whispers of praise. He works his fingers back and forth until the stretch is comfortable then turns his attention to Felix’s pleasure, kissing down his neck and letting his teeth graze the sensitive skin as he massages his prostate.
“Chris,” Felix breathes, eyes fluttering shut and head tipping back. “Fuck.”
Chan’s lips curl up. Felix has largely grown accustomed to censoring his cursing in English to protect his idol image, but when he lets himself go during sex, the habit returns. He swears like a sailor when Chan touches him the right way.
“Right here, yeah?” Chan smirks and Felix rolls his eyes even as his back arches with pleasure.
“You’re such a cunt, you know you’re right on it.” Felix lets out a sigh and spreads his legs wider under the covers, giving Chan room to work. His dick is hard and messy, smearing pre-come on his tummy as Chan finger fucks him, his lips never leaving some part of his skin. “Fuck, fuck, yes,” he gasps when Chan kisses up to his ear, nipping at the lobe as he pulses mercilessly right on his prostate. “Channie, please, please, I don’t need more prep,” he whines. “Fuck me, I need it. Need you close, need you inside-“
“Shh, shh, I got you,” Chan hushes, lifting his head and kissing Felix’s lips, soft and gentle as his fingers slow inside of him. “Gonna fuck you so good, yeah? Gonna fill you up, make you feel so good.”
Felix pouts and even bats his eyes up at him, rolling his hips needily against Chan’s hand. “Then do it now.”
“You’re a menace.” Chan snickers. “I don’t want to hurt you, baby.”
“You’re not gonna hurt me, give me your stupid dick before I die.” Felix groans for dramatic effect, ready to pitch a tantrum if he has to when Chan reaches for the lube, still laughing under his breath at Felix’s neediness.
He takes his fingers away and sits back on his heels, giving Felix the perfect view as he rolls the condom on and slicks himself up. Felix licks his lips at the way his abs tense, how his cock stands hard and full. He wants him inside so bad, he whines anyways, spreading his legs wide and propping himself up on his elbows. He feels so empty without Chan’s fingers and he wants him close, wants his kisses and his dorky compliments whispered in his ear. The few feet between them right now is too much.
“Channie-“
“I’m right here, little one,” Chan says, his smile warm as he sets the lube aside. “Be patient.” He crawls back over him, hips setting between Felix’s legs, his dick nudging against his inner thigh and his face coming back within kissing distance.
Felix takes advantage, cupping Chan’s face in his hands and shoving their lips together as he hikes both legs up over his hips. “Put your dick in me right now and I totally forgive you for ever even raising your voice at me today.”
Chan frowns. “I don’t think that’s the healthiest-“
“I’m kidding! Just fuck me, fuck, please, please, please,” Felix pleads, bordering on babbling when Chan reaches down to align himself and shuts him up by pushing forward enough to give him the tip.
Felix bites his lip and whimpers, hands clasped behinds Chan’s neck as he looks up at him, relaxing his muscles. It’s tight, but not painful, the perfect amount of stretch to be satisfying. The breach always makes him gasp, but Chan swallows the sound, moaning low in the back of his throat as he sinks himself into the snug heat. He clutches Felix close like something precious, something someone might take from him, careful not to cling too tight, but still so protective, guarding. He pushes into Felix with his thighs and abs tensed in restraint, resisting the temptation to bury himself inside in favor of easing into him at a pace that won’t cause discomfort. Felix has topped him a few times before just for fun. He knows how powerful the urge is to give in to pure instinct, to buck his hips wildly and fuck with abandon. Chan never abandons his caution in this position. He kisses Felix to soothe him, distract him from any ache as he carefully backs himself out and pushes in deeper, repeating and repeating until he’s fully seated, until Felix’s hips are open, his body relaxed and pliant with the slow but quickening rhythm.
“Channie hyung,” Felix whimpers, looking up at him with his lips parted, freckled face flushed as Chan fills him with every thrust. It feels so impossibly deep. He slides a hand between them and presses on his lower abdomen, shivering when he feels the subtle bulge against his palm whenever Chan pushes in.
“You feel me right there, baby?” Chan coos, kissing over Felix’s ear between whispered words. “Here.” He slides in deep, his hips flush against Felix’s ass. “Press down.”
Felix does and watches Chan’s eyes flutter shut, grinning. “You can feel that?” He presses down harder on himself and Chan rewards him with a moan, the sound low and rumbling. “I love when you’re inside me like this,” he murmurs, turning his head to kiss down Chan’s neck as much as he can reach. “Makes me feel so close to you, so special.”
“You’re so special to me, Lix, you have no idea.” Chan takes a deep breath and braces one hand on the headboard, Felix’s heart skipping at the implication. If Chan needs leverage it’s because he’s about to fuck Felix so hard and fast, they’ll slide right up the bed if he doesn’t grip something.
Felix keens in anticipation, holding onto Chan’s shoulders and scraping his nails down his back when it begins. He can’t stay quiet once Chan starts to fuck him at a brutal pace, breathing hot and heavy into Felix’s neck as he snaps his hips. Every breath Felix takes is a gasp, intermingled with whining swear words and Chan’s name, his mind too fuzzy to come up with anything else and his lips too loose to be silent. His dick is trapped deliciously between them, sliding against Chan’s abs, the perfect friction as he lets himself be fucked into the mattress. He used to think that when sex was fast and rough, there’d be some sacrifice of intimacy — surely it couldn’t be as emotionally intense as slow lovemaking, but Felix has found he feels incredibly close and connected with Chan even when they’re fucking like rabbits.
When the sex is slow and sensual, he loves that too, but he’s more aware of everything. As good as it feels, he has a clearer head. But this? When Chan fucks him absolutely stupid? Felix can hardly control the sounds that come out of his mouth or the way his body reacts at all. The messy way his dick smears pre-come between their bodies in this pressed together position, the way his voice goes higher pitched and breathy, how his thighs shake, how his toes curl. He scratches Chan’s back to hell without even realizing it. He gives up control completely to Chan, trusting that he’ll be given pleasure in return, and Chan gives it to him.
Felix can’t imagine trusting anyone else enough to do this to him. He can’t imagine letting anyone else inside his body, as close as he can ever possibly let somebody in.
The pleasure is overwhelming, the constant friction and pressure on his prostate driving him wild, filling his whole body with heat. Not to mention the constant low moans from Chan when he fucks him this hard — Felix treasures the vulnerable sounds of pleasure Chan lets him hear.
It’s all so much. Felix was so hurt earlier thinking that Chan didn’t care about his feelings, but of course he does. This is his person. He would trust him with anything in the world — his body, his secrets, his heart. His vision is getting bleary, fat tears welling up in his eyes as a sob of pleasure falls from his mouth.
He’s crying.
Everything feels so good and so overwhelming, his body doesn’t know how else to react.
“That’s it, baby, let it out,” Chan whispers, kissing the tear tracks from Felix’s cheeks. “You feel good? Does anything hurt?” He slows his hips for a moment, but Felix whines, digging his heels in to his lower back until he resumes. “So yes?” His laugh is breathy, face pink and hair starting to curl with the sweat of exertion when he smiles down at Felix.
“So good,” Felix breathes, eyes fluttering shut, which only squeezes out more tears. He can’t take much more. “I’m gonna come, Channie, fuck, fuck, please make me come.” There’s a tension growing in him, a bow string being pulled so tight, he feels like he’ll snap in half if it isn’t loosed.
“Shh, I got you, baby, I got you.” Chan kisses along his jaw as he reaches between them and wraps his fingers around Felix’s cock, hard and hot to the touch, pulsing with need. His touch is slick from Felix’s own mess as he jerks him off in time with the rapid pace of his hips.
Felix says a silent prayer that any members in the vicinity have headphones on because he isn’t able to help the loud whines coming from the back of his throat. His body is trembling, the wave of pleasure threatening to crest. It’s so much that he’s equally tempted to run from it as he is to chase it, but Chan doesn’t give him a choice. He knows what he needs.
“I know you’re right there, baby, it’s okay,” Chan says with a breathy laugh, hips starting to stutter. “I’m right there too. Let me see you come, baby, you look so fucking pretty when you come.”
“I… I-I’m… Fuck!” Felix cries out and sobs, head tipping back as he babbles, “I’m coming, I’m coming, fuck, Chris don’t stop, please, please, don’t stop, isso good, so f-fucking good, hnngh, nnn.” He devolves completely into whimpers as he spills between them, hot and wet against the skin of their torsos, clinging to Chan like a life line as tears roll down his cheeks.
Chan fucks him through, groaning in his ear as he reaches his own climax, sent over the edge by the sight and feel of Felix’s. He pants Felix’s name, only relenting when Felix sighs underneath him. He buries himself to the hilt and finally lets his weight drop a little, tucking his face into Felix’s neck to catch his breath.
“Channie,” Felix breathes, rubbing his back and grinning stupidly up at the ceiling. “Holy shit.”
“Maybe we should fight more often.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Kidding, kidding.” Chan chuckles and lifts his head, pressing a warm kiss against Felix’s cheek then nuzzling his nose against the spot. “You’re really pretty when you cry, you know.”
“Yeah?” Felix’s heart softens. “It’s not unattractive?”
“Of course not. I mean, I don’t like to see you sad, but fuck, you look so gorgeous and when you cry in bed, I just lose it. Happy tears, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Felix smiles, running a hand through Chan’s hair to tame it a little, admiring his cute nose and his dark eyes. “Happy tears.”
“I love you so much.” Chan shakes his head as if he’s in disbelief, leaning in to give Felix one more gentle kiss on the lips, tender and lingering.
They part carefully, Chan soothing Felix’s wince when he pulls out. He discards the condom in the trash can by his desk and gets a clean hand towel from the closet, gently wiping Felix down before himself. He discards the towel in the hamper and rejoins him in bed, pulling Felix right into his arms, pressing kisses into his hair. “Hey, sweet boy,” he sighs and Felix can here the smile in his tone.
“Hi,” he giggles, nestling into Chan’s chest and lifting his head to press a few feather light kisses along his jaw.
“Feel good?”
“Feel great.” Felix breathes in a deep breath of Chan’s cologne and relaxes full into his touch. “It felt really good to just kind of… cry like that with you. Everything just felt so good and overwhelming, I couldn’t help it, but you didn’t make me feel like it was… weird, I don’t know.”
“I would never make you feel bad about crying during sex,” Chan chuckles, stroking Felix’s back up and down with the tips of his nails. “You looked beautiful. It just meant you were feeling a lot and, shit, way to boost my ego.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Fucked you so good, you cried, huh?”
“Shut up,” Felix laughs, nuzzling his face into the crook of Chan’s neck. “It was pretty good, but don’t get carried away. I cry easy.”
“And I love that about you,” Chan says with a firm kiss to his forehead. “You feel so much and you express it so easily. I still can’t believe I ever made you feel insecure about that… You can always come to me, okay Lixie? No matter what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to keep being sorry.” Felix presses his lips to the side of Chan’s neck, listens to the soft sigh he makes at the touch. “I trust you, hyung. You didn’t lose that.”
“Are you sure? After the way I made you feel, I’d understand if it took a little time for you to fully-“
“I trust you, Channie,” Felix repeats and hugs him tight as he says it. “And I’ll forgive you completely… if you get your phone and order me spicy ramen.”
“You drive a hard bargain, babe.”
They spend a few more minutes basking in the afterglow, sharing slow kisses, enjoying the simple pleasure of being skin to skin with one another before they pull apart to make themselves presentable. Chan, ever adverse to clothing, takes a clean pair of boxers from his drawer in Felix’s dresser and fixes his hair a bit. Felix just pulls on some black sweats and calls it a day, dragging Chan out to the living room to cuddle on the couch and order their food.
Once ramen is ordered and a good trashy tv show is on, Felix kicks his legs up in Chan’s lap and lays down, smiling to himself as his boyfriend’s hands rubs soothing circles over his bare stomach.
They both raise their heads at the sound of the front door opening, Felix blushing as Minho walks in with Jisung in tow.
Minho looks from Chan to Felix then nods his head. “Ah, I heard you guys had a big fight or something. You two it out okay?”
“Sung-ah!” Felix groans. “Do you tell him everything right away?”
“Of course he does.” Minho frowns and puts a possessive arm around Jisung’s waist, making a show of it as he leans in and nuzzles their noses together, making Jisung giggle. “Don’t you, baby?”
“I’m kicking you both out of the band,” Chan says and Jisung flips them both off before blowing Chan a kiss.
Minho whisks him away to his own bedroom and Felix rolls his eyes at the two of them as he snuggles back into Chan. He loves them to death. He also wants to beat them up a little bit. When he looks at Chan, they both smile dumbly and shake their heads.
“We can not tell Jisung anything.”