Chapter Text
Lily was sitting in her room staring blankly at the open document on her laptop. She knew that she really should work on this essay, but it was hard to get motivation since winter break had just started. She pulled up Spotify and spent another ten minutes procrastinating and making a playlist that in theory would motivate her to push through. Instead, it led her to an idea for her sister for Christmas and she clicked over to browse for something that might be in stock locally. She’d been discouraged by her lack of ideas, but this wasn’t really new because Petunia was picky, and Lily had come to suspect that she would hate anything that Lily gifted her, even if she would have actually loved it from someone else.
Her head snapped up and all thoughts except for Remus fled from her mind.
Snuffles was running into her room and he didn’t even have time to nudge her hand before she had grabbed her phone, frantically told Siri to set a timer, and ran towards into the hallway before letting Snuffles go ahead of her since she didn’t know where Remus was. She ended up in the living room and dropped to her knees beside her best friend who was luckily already laying down and wasn’t close to anything that could harm him.
Need anything? She signed to him, and noticed the glassy, distant look in his eyes, and knew that she would get no response.
She took a deep breath and reset the timer since the seizure hadn’t started yet, and there was nothing to do but wait. It couldn’t have been longer than a minute before the shaking started and she took a deep breath. No matter how many times she’d seen this, it never got any easier. Sometimes it felt like the visual was branded on the back of her eyelids, never far away. Of course, she would never change anything about her friendship with Remus, things weren’t always easy, but he was worth every single painful thing, every medical crisis. And it wasn’t a one way street either, Remus has been through her side through battles with anxiety, the drama with her family, and the whole business that she always felt like was her fault at their last school. He’d follow her without question, just like she would for him.
It was just so unfair everything that Remus had to juggle, and Lily often daydreamed about finding Fenrir and making him pay for it all, but she knew that wouldn’t be a good idea nor really change anything.
She glanced at the timer on her phone, and it was only at one minute. It was always surprising how slowly time could seem to drag on when you were watching a medical crisis like this, praying for it to stop and feeling so helpless to it all.
At two minutes, Remus made a guttural sound and Lily wished that she could just hug him and fix it all. But nothing could help, it just had to play out. If only life were easy enough that a hug could magically change any situation, but she would settle for it being a solution for this one particular problem. He went quiet whenever the clock ticked past three and she strained to listen. Thankfully, he was still breathing, and she let out a sigh of relief. She had never seen him stop breathing and hoped that she never would, but it always niggled at the back of her mind, terrifying it what it could mean.
For a few seconds, it seemed like the seizure was going to end but because nothing was going her way today, it only intensified.
At four minutes, Lily couldn’t help but start crying while simultaneously stopping herself from laughing hysterically. Her Spotify was still playing in the background, and Celebration had just started playing. It was such a sharp contrast to the medical crisis in front of her eyes, that she wanted to scream. She briefly considered tossing her phone against the wall, but that wouldn’t stop the song from playing, and she very much needed to keep watching the time.
She was getting extremely nervous because five minutes was the dreaded number. The time when she needed to call for help because a seizure lasting that long could cause lasting effects. And she knew that Remus always lived in fear of any more changes to his health, and she was right there with him. He’d be no less loved, but it would make everything more difficult for him.
Five minutes was the number where it was dangerous.
Five minutes was a place she never wanted to be.
She’d been there before when Hope called for help, but she’d never been alone, and feeling the weight of responsibility. She knew that it wasn’t her fault, that nothing she said or did could stop this, but it was still heavy. She suddenly felt like a little kid as the clock clicked to 4:59.
She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed to a god she wasn’t sure that she believed in that she would open her eyes and Remus would finally, miraculously be still.
No such luck.
She fiddled with her phone, dropping it from her sweaty hand twice before she managed to dial 911.
It felt like it rang forever even though it couldn’t have been but a couple of seconds. Her memories of speaking to the operator were hazy as well as when she dropped her phone for a third time because it was shaking so badly in fear and relief when the spasms finally slowed. She ignored the voice on the phone for a minute as she felt his chest rise and fall, and then placed her fingers at his pulse point. She said 5 minutes 23 seconds aloud, hoping that would help her remember or that the person on the other line would hear. She then focused on counting.
She finally picked her phone back up and relayed the numbers of stats and seizure length to the nice lady on the phone, and watched dazedly as Snuffles settled on a limp Remus. She was of course glad that the seizure stopped, but the lifeless looking body of her best friend when they finally did cease was un-nerving in its own way.
At long last there was a loud knocking on the door, and while she didn’t want to leave Remus on the floor alone, she also knew that having their door broken down wouldn’t be ideal. The lights flashed as they must have also pressed the doorbell designed to alert Remus since he couldn’t hear knocking. She led them back to Remus, answering their questions the best she could, and watched him being loaded onto a stretcher and an oxygen mask placed over his face. As they started an I.V. she led Snuffles to his cage, and gave him a pat on the head. She knew that he wasn’t happy that his human wasn’t well and he wasn’t able to follow, but she knew that she couldn’t take him to the emergency room or in the ambulance. She trailed after them, quickly locking the door, and didn’t really give them a chance to tell her no before she climbed in after them.
Lily watched the numbers on the screen and listened to the sirens as they made their way to the hospital. The paramedic flitted around and she didn’t have the focus to figure out what he was doing, even though she would probably have a general idea if she did pay attention. She just knew that Remus was still not moving, but the heart monitor was beeping steadily and his chest was rising and falling, so there was of course, reassurance in that.
She snapped to attention when the back door opened and they started unloading him. She waited until it was clear and trailed after them. Once they passed off the information and Remus was transferred onto a gurney in the ER, a nurse asked who she was.
“Lily Evans. I’m his best friend,” she answered, but immediately regretted it. She should have gone with fiance, sister, anything else really. But she wasn’t used to this. The waiting room or if he were admitted, but this in-between was usually where Hope was present and in control.
“Do you have an immediate family you can call? Or we can look it up,” the nurse asked.
Lily felt like an idiot, she knew that there was something she should have done, and Hope had even literally just crossed her mind.
“I’ll get in touch with his mom,” Lily answered. “Just remember, and tell all the staff that he is deaf. He only communicates with ASL.”
The nurse simply nodded, and led her to the waiting area and said to let someone know when Hope arrived or answered.
Lily thought that this should be an easy thing. Call Hope and she would show up and take control, hopefully leaving Lyall at home as she did so. But the phone rang for what seemed like an eternity until the voicemail picked up. She considered leaving a message but decided to call back in a few minutes. Yet, the same thing happened three times over the next ten minutes. She glared at her phone and decided to bite the bullet and dialed Lyall. She hated the man, but she knew that Remus needed someone. But his went straight to voicemail, and she pressed the end call button with a bit too much force. She wracked her brain on where they could be or who else she could get in touch with before she remembered that the two had gone camping for the week and she groaned in frustration. They must not have service right now, or no way to charge phones.
She went to the desk and updated them on what she knew and asked if there was any way she could go back. She wasn’t surprised when she was told no, and made her way back to the seat she’d been at before. It was fairly crowded around her, and she felt a pang of empathy that others were also stuck in this place and unwell on an otherwise beautiful day that had turned so dark for everyone in here waiting. One elderly lady was laying across a bench, moaning. A little girl sucked her thumb and clutched her other arm to her chest while her mother sang songs to her. A teenager was a few seats down from her and muttering quietly to himself. Lily sighed and decided to mind her own business instead of playing guessing games that really wouldn’t make her feel better anyways.
She pressed the call button for Hope again and hesitated before leaving a message.
“Hey, it’s Lily. I had to call 911 for Remus, he had a long seizure. I don’t know anything right now, because they won’t let me be with him. But I think he’s okay? Call when you can? I know you probably don’t have good service, but… Just call. Or come, please,” Lily couldn’t think of what else to say and knew that panicking over the phone wouldn’t do any good, especially since she didn’t really know what was happening through those doors.
It was probably about an hour of her sitting there, trying to distract herself with games or reading when she heard it.
“No! I’m leaving.” It was Remus’ voice. Slurred but loud.
She jumped up from her seat, because she couldn’t remember the last time she had heard Remus speak. It was just something that he didn’t like to do. When he did, he didn’t have the best volume control, understandably, but this was a scream, and something that had to be intentionally loud.
“Sir, you can’t. Sir, you are going to fall. If you’ll just…” Lily heard several people talking at once, and she wanted to pull her hair out in frustration. She tried to open the door, but it required a keycard or buzzing in.
“Ma’am, you can’t go back there,” a voice from behind the desk told her.
“My friend. He’s deaf, and they are trying to talk to him. He’s upset and confused,” Lily said, pleading with her to understand and just let her in.
“Hold on, I will get a nurse,” she said, sympathetically.
“Mr. Lupin, stop. Don’t put your hands on anyone else,” another voice came through the door, it was muted, but clear enough.
Lily’s heart dropped.
Remus was post-ictal, confused, and these people didn’t know or had no choice but to keep talking to him. Remus could barely lip-read a couple of words in a few sentences on a good day, and this was decidedly not. He couldn’t concentrate, he wasn’t himself, and she had no idea if the extended seizure had affected anything cognitively.
They must have moved from in front of the door, because she could no longer hear anything, but her heart was still racing and she felt helpless. She knew that they were medical professionals and were aware he’d had a seizure. Realistically, they probably hadn’t had time to call in an interpreter, but she’d been right here the whole time. That meant over an hour of which they hadn’t been able to communicate with him, except over the computer or writing things out, but he couldn’t always even respond to sign much less read and type when the post seizure fog was intense.
“Hi, are you with Remus Lupin?”
“Yes, I still can’t get in touch with his parents, they are camping. I heard him though? He’s deaf, and he can’t understand you. He’s probably confused all around. Maybe I can help?” Lily rambled.
“Yes, he’s very agitated. He was trying to leave and push an orderly. We had to sedate him,” the nurse explained.
“You–what? Did the orderly touch him?” Lily asked.
“Just trying to guide him back to bed, Mr. Lupin wasn’t harmed,” the nurse explained. “He was slurring and stumbling and we couldn’t tell if that was his baseline or not, but were afraid that he was going to fall.”
She couldn’t decide if she was furious, if she could understand where they were coming from, or if she was just overall frustrated. Probably a mix of all three. Remus was a beanpole, but he was still tall, and he probably hadn’t liked or understood being stopped from leaving.
“He’s not violent,” Lily said quietly.
“I understand. But he was angry and he did push a staff member. But ultimately it was for everyone’s safety.”
“Can I see him?” Lily asked through gritted teeth. She could be understanding, but that was also her best friend. And he was her priority.
“Will you feel safe?”
“Yes, of course. Remus has never hurt me. Or anyone really. Besides, I can interpret for him when he wakes up. I’m guessing you haven’t found anyone?”
“No, not yet. Someone is working on it. But we had to stabilize him first,” the nurse explained gently.
“Did something else happen?” Lily asked.
“I will get the doctor to talk to you soon, okay? Let me take you to his room.”
“Please, just tell me what you can,” Lily said.
“I have to let the doctor decide what he can tell you since you aren't your immediate family, until we get permission from him or them to discuss everything.”
Lily nodded, and took a seat beside Remus. She knew that the nurse was doing the best she could, but Lily just wanted to know. She wanted Remus to wake up and be fine. She wanted Hope here. But she was the one here now, and she was going to do everything she could.
She grabbed Remus’ hand and squeezed it lightly. There wasn’t a response, but that wasn’t surprising. She’d just hoped it would be like a movie or TV show. The little finger twitch, or the groan. That would have been a lovely thing. Instead, there was silence in their little cubicle and the sounds of beeping and moans of pain, the sound of controlled chaos of the medical field. And she at least took comfort in the fact that it was calm in here for now, and that meant that Remus was stable.
They ended up taking him for a CT scan while he was sedated, which was maybe for the best if he woke up and was still agitated, because this meant that he would be still and they would get quality images. They also took more bloodwork and then it was the waiting game. She’d tried to call Hope a few more times, but knew that once she was able, she would call or be rushing here.
It was another couple of hours, and she’d noticed that he was moving a bit, even though his eyes remained closed, and thought perhaps the sedatives might be wearing off. The doctor hadn’t told her anything besides he was stable and they were waiting for results, and for him to wake up. Lily had somehow managed to nod off when she felt a persistent poking on her arm.
Her head snapped up and she was relieved when she locked eyes with Remus. He shot her a little grin, and his eyes were mostly clear.
Hospital? Remus signed
Long seizure. Lily answered, her signs simple, slow and emphasized as usual after a seizure.
Fuck.
Yeah, fuck. Hope, Lyall camp? Lily asked.
Remus stared at her for a few long seconds then nodded. Am I okay?
I think? Dr. only tell little. Me not family.
Bullshit. Remus answered, letting his head rest completely on the pillow, but eyes trained on her.
Not official, Lily argued and Remus just shrugged.
Me get nurse, back one minute.
They went through the process of Remus signing a HIPPA release for Lily and after the nurse took his vitals and did a neuro check, she promised to get a Dr.
CT show no new damage. White blood count high. Maybe infection. Keep overnight at least. Lily did the best to shorten the whole conversation down. She felt a little guilty but she also knew Remus and could guess that is what he would want right now. She could give him more details later and they would probably pour over his electronic chart later to make sure that nothing glaring was missed.
Hope finally called and then showed up later that night after they had already transferred Remus to a room. He’d mostly been sleeping since, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. But Lily still couldn’t help worrying that she’d handled something wrong.
Hope wanted to stay the night, so Lily came back the next morning to send her home for a shower and Hope wanted to update Lyall. Lily wanted to strangle the man, which wasn’t unusual, but she just couldn’t understand or get used to the fact even though it had been like this for years, how he could just not show up. How he couldn’t be there for Remus.
How you today? Lily asked Remus when he woke up.
Good. Tired. I need to talk to you. Remus signed. His eyes were clear and his signing was back to usual, not choppy and slow.
Lily couldn’t help but worry he was upset about something from yesterday. She just nodded, throat tight.
Ma told me they didn’t let you come back. And I was confused and pushed someone? Remus said.
Yeah. I wasn’t pleased.
I want you to have medical power of attorney. To make my decisions if I can’t and be able to be with me. I love Ma, but she also doesn’t get me like you do. Remus told her.
Are you sure? Lily asked, tears welling in her eyes.
Of course. You’re like… The other half of my soul? The friend part. I don’t wanna repeat the kissing fiasco. Remus made a face at that, and Lily laughed. But really. Will you?
It would be my honor, Remus, Lily answered, wrapping her arms around her best friend, a feeling of peace finally settling over her for the first time since yesterday morning.
She’d done the right things. Remus trusted her with his life, with his decisions, and wanted her there in the hardest times.
He’d called her the platonic other half of his soul, and she really couldn’t think of a better way to put it.