Chapter Text
"Dude!" Tachihara screamed down the phone as soon as Chuuya picked up after breakfast.
Despite being the guest he found himself cooking for three useless grown adults. Yosano protested at being called that, saying she was perfectly capable of fending for herself. She was just excited to eat the famous Chuuya meal, apparently Higuchi had bragged about his cooking skills.
"Good morning to you too," Chuuya replied calmly, sitting at the sofa while the other three cleaned up. Well Yosano was cleaning up, Dazai was trying to help but only to look good for Chuuya as Ranpo had exposed, but speaking of the small genius he wasn't even attempting to help, just munching on snacks.
How does he still have room to eat??
"Good morning, whatever, why didn't you call me last night?" Tachihara whine. "I wanted to hear about how your date went- wait! Did you two sleep together! Is that why you’re only just replying! For real!"
"Shut up, you’re so damn loud," Chuuya grumbled, feeling a faint blush on his cheeks. "We may have..."
"Oh my god! You totally did!" Tachihara sounded like he was having the time of his life and Chuuya hated him. "Man, I can't believe you slept with him on the first date. Slut move, dude,"
"Shut your whore mouth," Chuuya rolled his eyes. "You're just jealous I can get laid,"
"Hey! I can totally get laid!"
"Sureeeeee,"
"I hate you,"
"I'm your favourite person,"
"Debatable,"
"Not really, I'm like the only person who can stand you,"
Tachihara let out a scandalised gasp.
"Excuse you! Plenty of people love me,"
"Sure they do buddy, sure they do,"
"Rude," a beat of silence. Then. "So how was it?"
"How was what?" Chuuya asked, despite knowing exactly what Tachihara meant.
"Sex with Dazai! Was it good?"
Chuuya reflected back on his night. Yeah, he thought, it was better than just good.
"Not bad for a fish," he replied, knowing full well that said fish was behind him listening to his conversation because he was a dumb mackerel with no boundaries.
"Not bad, huh?" Dazai spoke up. "Well, I guess I will just have to make it so you can't walk tomorrow morning~"
"Bitch please, I'm topping again tonight," Chuuya shot back. "Anyway, Tachi, I got to go,"
"Whattttt!" Tachihara tried to complain but Chuuya just hung up on him.
"He seems interested in your life," Dazai hummed as he sat down besides Chuuya.
"He's a nosy bastard with no life of his own," Chuuya grumbled back, putting his phone down.
"Haha, I've gotten like twenty texts from Atsushi-kun asking about last night, even Kunikida-kun sent a text," Dazai flopped backwards so his head was resting on the back of the sofa. "So nosy,"
"Doesn't Atsushi have that thing going on with Montgomery?" Chuuya pointed out. "At least he's got a life,"
"Yep, but Kunikida-kun is so chronically sexless that I think he'd explode if he saw a woman's bare chest," Dazai smirked. "He's not prepared to hear all about the nasty, dirty sex we had last night~"
"But you're going to tell him anyway,"
"Every last detail~"
He sounded way too happy while saying that. Annoying bastard.
Chuuya loved him so much.
"Well~ we aren't Kunikida, I would love to hear every dirty detail," Yosano declared, appearing behind them, clearly done cleaning up.
"Meh, I'm sure it's pretty vanilla compared to what I get up to," Ranpo shrugged. Chuuya blinked. What did that mean????
"Ranpo has a reputation for being... kinky," Dazai informed him, seeing his confusion.
"The stuff he comes up with during sex... it's creative to say the least," Yosano winced a little as she explained. So whatever Ranpo did was too much for even her.
"I've never heard any complaints," Ranpo shrugged.
"That's because you like to use a gag otherwise you complain they’re too loud,"
"And yet they always come back for seconds,"
"That's enough about Ranpo's sex life!" Dazai interrupted. "What if you traumatise Chuuya and he never wants to have sex with me again! Think about me guys!"
"Good. Suffer." Ranpo and Yosano both managed to say in sync.
They ignored Dazai's whining in favour of turning to Chuuuya.
"I think it's time we had the shovel talk," Yosano said, a glint of something in her eyes that made Chuuya gulp.
"Oh, definitely," Ranpo's grin was somehow worse.
"You do actually care about me!" Dazai was ignored again.
"See, Dazai is an idiot-"
"Hey!"
"But he's our idiot," Ranpo started. "So if you hurt him we will ruin your life. Welp that's pretty much all we have to say,"
"Yep, just be yourself, Dazai's the more likely one to screw this up," Yosano swatted again the pillow Dazai threw at her.
"I can't tell if I'm touched or offended,"
"Get over it,"
Chuuya looked at Dazai and then at Ranpo and Yosano. It was clear that they would make good on their threat, which was fine by Chuuya because he had no intention of ever hurting Dazai and if he did he would welcome whatever karma they brought him.
"Got it," he nodded. "If I ever hurt him feel free to ruin my life,"
Ranpo and Yosano exchanged a look. "We'll hold you to that," Yosano nodded.
A few days later, after Tachihara was told about the shovel talk Chuuya was given, he insisted on giving one himself. So here the new couple were, sitting in front of Tachihara and Akutagawa... for some reason.
"Why am I here?" Akutagawa demanded, looking like he would rather be anywhere else.
"Because! You're Chuuya's friend too!" Tachihara insisted. "So you also need to be here to threaten Dazai,"
"Am I supposed to consider them threatening...?" Dazai whispered to Chuuya. "I mean, I can maybe see Akutagawa being a threat, I feel he'd stab me with no hesitation. But Tachihara is... a little goofy,"
"I heard that!" Tachihara jumped up, looking offended. "I'm extremely threatening!"
"You couldn't threaten a five year old," Akutagawa informed him.
"I could too!"
And for some reason the group then found themselves on the street with Tachihara looking for a five year old to threaten. Chuuya was just trying to act like he didn't know them. He didn't feel like getting arrested today.
"Aren't you going to stop him?" Akutagawa asked, also looking ashamed.
Dazai, unsurprisingly, was egging Tachihara on. Chuuya suspected the only reason this was happening was because Dazai thought it would be funny as soon as Tachihara suggested it. He then did everything in his power to hype the redhead up until he ran out the door determined to find a small child.
"I would... but honestly I can't be bothered,"
"Fair enough,"
"If Dazai goes to prison I guess I'll do long distance,"
"Don't be ridiculous, Dazai won't get caught," Akutagawa had a point. Dazai wouldn't get caught. Tachihara certainly would though. "At least my life will be peaceful after the idiot gets locked up,"
"You'll miss him when he's gone,"
"I find the very idea of that repulsive," and it showed on the emo's face.
It wasn't until a small child actually did come along that Chuuya practically leapt over there to grab Tachihara before he could do something incredibly stupid. Dazai almost fell over laughing and Akutagawa took the opportunity to just leave.
With a disappointed sigh that this is what his life has come to, he dragged his best friend and boyfriend back inside.
"I hate my life,"
"Nuh-uhhhh~" Dazai sang. "You love your life because I'm in it!"
"Shut up,"
"Nah! I don't think I will!"