Chapter Text
"That Nakahara has a really nice ass,"
"Agreed,"
"Huh?"
Ranpo and Yosano both turned to Dazai with matching faces of exasperation.
"Don't act like you haven't noticed, Dazai," Yosano rolled her eyes like he was a child, a really annoying child. So rude! How dare his oldest friend treat him like this!
"Well, of course I noticed," Dazai huffed, closing his book now that he was actually expected to be part of the conversation. "I'm just confused where this is coming from,"
"You two have been spending a lot of time together," Ranpo pointed out, more interested in his lollipop than the conversation.
"We're friends, that's what friends do," Dazai blinked, confused at why his friends were trying to hint that there might be more to their relationship than that. "There's nothing more between Chuuya and me,"
"This dumbass," Yosano groaned, collapsing back into the sofa she and Ranpo were occupying. Dazai was curled up on the armchair besides them, he was reading peacefully until they decided to interrupt his quiet time and push whatever nonsense they're insisting on now.
"What did Dazai do now?" Kunikida walked into the room holding the tray of hot drinks. They were all in Dazai's living room, well he supposed it was also Ranpo and Yosano's living room also but they lost that privilege when they started hinting at whatever delusions they're imagining.
"I didn't do anything!" Dazai protested, only to be ignored.
"He's in denial," Ranpo blatantly lied because Dazai was not in denial about anything, thank you very much!
"Ah, is this about Nakahara-san again," Kunikida nodded, sitting down on the other armchair opposite Dazai.
The brunette huffed, reaching out to grab his hot chocolate, and taking a sip. "Ack! It's hot!"
"Of course it's hot, you idiot," Kunikida shook his head dismissively before turning to the other two in the room. "So still no progress?"
Rude! Everyone was being extremely rude today!
Usually he would just turn back to his books and sulk but this conversation was about him! It was basically illegal for him not to listen.
"I figured Nakahara would've made a move by now, what's keeping him?" That was Yosano being extremely stupid. Obviously there was no such feelings between him and Chuuya, they were just very good friends. Nothing more.
Dazai would know if Chuuya liked him like that, he's not oblivious.
(Somewhere in the university dorms.
"So any progress with Dazai?" Tachihara questioned. Chuuya placed a pillow to his face and screamed.
"I don't get it! I'm putting out all the signals, I don't know what more I can do except throw him on my bed and act out every one of my fantasies on him!"
"Dude, I think that counts as sexual harassment,"
"Ya think!"
Anyway, Dazai clearly does not know anything about Chuuya's feelings. We're really earning the Oblivious Dazai tag here.)
"Anyway what's the deal with you, Zai?" Yosano suddenly declared, turning to him.
"What now?" Dazai sighed, resigned to his fate of having insane friends. Maybe he should call up the Yokohama Psych Ward and have Yosano readmitted, it would save him from this conversation and she has clearly lost it. Ranpo and Kunikida would be right at home in there too, probably.
"You're such a manwhore, how come you haven't made a move on Nakahara yet?"
"For the thousandth time, we're just friends!" Dazai ran his fingers through his hair, trying to hold back the urge to strangle his oldest friend. "I'm not going to mess that up for a one night stand, I actually like having him around,"
"Oh please, we've slept together," Yosano dismissed his claims with a wave of her hand.
"You have!" Kunikida spluttered, baffled by the new discovery- oops did he just drop his cup on the floor?
Meh, the blonde would probably clean it up, heaven forbid any of the actual three residents of the apartment actually did any cleaning.
"You didn't know?" Dazai frowned, it wasn't exactly a secret.
"You both agreed that Kunikida would be a pain in the ass about it, so agreed to keep it from him," Ranpo helpfully reminded them.
"Oh right!" Dazai and Yosano nodded at the same time.
"You two have slept together?" In typical Kunikida fashion, the man made made a big deal out of nothing, looking between the two in shock. "How? When? Was this just once? Have either of you slept with Ranpo?"
"Gross!" Ranpo gagged. "Unlike these two I have standards,"
Once again Dazai and Yosano shrugged. They were both of the opinion that sex was sex, it didn't mean anything if you didn't want it to.
"We tried inviting him one time, he looked so disgusted it actually hurt my feelings a little," Dazai whined, leaning back dramatically into the sofa.
"Right, there was no need for you to pull that face, a simple no would have sufficed," Yosano elbowed Ranpo in the side who hissed at her like a feral cat.
"I needed to make my opinion on the matter known so neither of you would ever try again," the feral cat crossed his arms, still eyeing Yosano unhappily.
"S-s-s- making love should only be performed with someone you love and intend to marry," said a very red faced Kunikida.
"You said making love? Are you a child?" Ranpo laughed and ouch, Ranpo calling someone else a child. That had to sting. "Wait no, rhetorical questions are rude, Kunikida you're a child,"
"Spoken like a true virgin," Yosano grinned.
"Give Kunikida a break," Dazai sighed, speaking with a completely serious tone. "It's impossible for him to make love with someone because he already has that stick up his ass,"
As the three spawn's of Satan cackled and poor innocent Kunikida who had the misfortune of befriending them spluttered out his defence, Dazai couldn't help but think about his friend's incessant delusion about his nonexistent love life.
Did he find Chuuya attractive? Yes. But it was impossible not to! With that fiery red hair that matched his explosive temper that was oh so adorable, the way his face reddened so easily, whether he was embarrassed, angry or happy, his sharp canine teeth that just added to his appeal and made his grin so much sharper. There were those freckles, Dazai had to hold back to urge to trace them across his face, kissing them gently, the way Chuuya deserved to be treated. Then, there was his body, he was sculpted like a Greek God, well defined biceps and a very noticeable six pack that Dazai couldn’t help but notice when Chuuya reached for a high shelf and his shirt lifted slightly- not that he was looking! That would be creepy. Okay, maybe he was looking a little, and maybe he almost drooled at the sight- but the point is Chuuya was just his friend. A friend with electric blue eyes that can jump start even Dazai’s cold, dead heart when they focus on him.
Not to mention his ass!
But it didn’t matter, Dazai wasn’t going to ruin a friendship over a one night stand.
As the topic moved on to easier things Dazai tried to ignore the little flutter in his stomach at the thought of Chuuya. Maybe he was getting sick?
“What movie should we watch?” Yosano asked, picking up the remote. They had briefly debated going to a bar for some drinks like normal teenagers would on a Saturday night, but the four were so comfortable that getting up and going out seemed like too much work.
“It can’t be a detective movie, Poe and I are supposed to watch some on our next date night,” came Ranpo’s muffled response as he munched on popcorn.
“Haven’t you seen like every detective movie by now?” Yosano raised her brows at the other man. Ranpo shrugged.
“He said he found some really obscure ones not even I’ve seen,”
“I don’t feel like anything serious anyway,” Dazai chimed in. “Let’s watch something fun!”
“Like Mama Mia?” Kunikida suggested.
“I watched it the other day with Chuuya,” Dazai vetoed.
“You’re saying you doin’t want to rewatch it now?” Ranpo gasped like he has just confessed to murder. Actually that might be more forgivable than not wanting to rewatch Mama Mia.
This started a debate over how long you needed before you could rewatch a movie after seeing it, which spiralled into a debate over what the best movie of all time was which lead to a completely irrelevant debate over food.
In the end they settled on watching How I Met Your Mother, season 4 obviously because the earlier seasons weren’t as good. They made it 5 minutes into an episode before Yosano started complaining about Barney and Robin’s divorce.
“It just shouldn’t have ended like that, you know!” She complained, waving her beer bottle in the air. Oh yeah, they didn’t go to the pub but you don’t need to be out to have a drink. Just like the like that day drinking is bad. Just rules boring people invented.
“That’s what the alternative ending is for,” Ranpo was busy eating a bag of crisps and not drinking, making him the only sober person currently as Dazai had managed to convince Kunikida to drink. He can be very persuasive.
Yosano turned the TV off in a fit of rage, Ranpo then took control of the remote and put on Spy x Family instead. No one complained about this. Dazai then commented how is Kunikida lost the rat tail- sorry he meant ponytail he would look a lot like Loid.
After that Dazai doesn’t really remember much because Yosano got out the shots.
When he woke up, he realised he was not alone.
He was not in his bed and laying besides him, naked, beautiful red hair spread out on the pillow was Chuuya.
What the fuck?