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Jacob hadn’t thought about how the holidays would feel after everything. He’d only had a few months to adjust to being a wolf, and less to losing Bella. Now, with her heart stopped, and his life irreparably changed, the holidays felt like they were something of the past.
He was exhausted. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept a full night through. When he did manage to sleep, memories and nightmares always jerked him awake.
Jacob was restless. The snow had started to fall a few night prior to Christmas Eve, and it made the world cold. He might not be able to really feel it, thanks to the supernatural warmth of his body, but he felt frozen to the bone despite it. The snow would wet his paws and fur when he ran through it while on patrol. He hated it. He wasn’t even sure why they bothered to do patrols anyway. It’s not like the vampires were around anymore. Bella wasn’t around anymore.
The thought jerked a chain wrapped around something in his chest. He felt like giving up. Not dying, no, he would never do that. He just felt like giving up on trying. Lying in his bed for the rest of his life sounded like a nice alternative at that moment.
Jacob turned his head enough so that he could look out the window beside his bed. He could see large, fluffy flakes of snow falling slowly. He thought of how pretty Bella would look with flakes stuck in her dark hair and eyelashes. Her large doe eyes, still a deep brown, staring up at him, warming him up from the inside.
Bella would never gaze at him with brown eyes again. They were a dark red, now. The first time she had opened them, after being changed, he had nearly gasped. They were so startlingly different from her human eyes that his wolf went off the rails for a moment. She had changed subtly, but each difference had made him weep when he finally shut himself in his room, that night. Her face was smooth, lacking blemishes. She wouldn’t blush again. She wouldn’t trip. She wouldn’t cry. Bella Swan was gone, replaced with Bella Cullen, the vampire.
Christmas didn’t feel right without her. He could so fondly remember spending the year before with her. He could recall in perfect clarity the way she laughed at him eating all of her cinnamon rolls before dinner had even started. Jacob wouldn’t get to kiss her underneath the mistletoe. He wouldn’t get to give her a gift. Or watch her slip in the snow.
His heart had been wrenched in two, and it felt like his soul was following suit with each day that passed. The holidays only made it worse.
Jacob frowned, and decided he would go outside, for some fresh air. He walked past his dad, who was sitting in the living room. If Billy had called out to him, he was far too out of it to hear him. When he was finally outside, he collapsed into the snow, rolling onto his back.
Jacob missed Bella with everything he was. He missed being a normal teenager, and celebrating his favorite holiday with her. He just wished she hadn’t actually turned. Jacob wished she would call and tell him, “I’m coming home to you,” as if nothing had happened. He wouldn’t get that, though.
Jacob closed his eyes, letting the cold flakes melt in the air above him, and softly rain down on him. He savored the feeling, trying to draw in slow, deep breaths. Every day felt like a chore to him. Every day since the wedding. Every day since he found out that Edward had accidentally changed Bella in a fit of passion. Each day that Bella couldn’t call because she was still recovering and coming to terms with being changed early, it tore him apart.
Why would Christmas be any different? Why would she call now?
“Jacob?” He could hear his father call him from the front door. Billy sounded so much older, with weariness tinging his voice. Jacob worried idly about him as Billy called for him again. “Jacob. Phone call for you.”
Jacob frowned, but rose from his spot on the ground. The snow beneath him had melted, and he was now soaked. He wasn’t sure who would call him, but he figured it was better than sitting and doing nothing. Christmas was the next day, and he only had the Pack and family gathering to go to.
Jacob squeezed his father shoulder as he went inside, picking up the phone from where it was resting on hold.
“Jacob here, who’s this?”
“Jacob.”
It was her voice. Soft, and serene, and different, but it was her.
“ Bella,” he whispered, near reverently.
“Oh, Jacob,” She said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t call until now. I haven’t been anywhere near a landline until just last night, but I figured you would have been asleep.”
Jacob’s chest swelled, and although everything still hurt, just hearing her voice was wonderful.
“It’s okay. I understand. Doctor Vamp explained that you wouldn’t be able to contact me for a while. It’s not your fault.” Although a very tiny part of him blamed her, he knew that what happened wasn’t actually her fault. It was never what she wanted.
“I’m doing better now. Haven’t hurt anyone. Other than Edward. Hit him so hard that his nose broke clean off about a week ago.” There was an edge of hurt to her voice, but it was cleared away with a soft laugh. “Carlisle says I should be able to visit in a couple of weeks. You’ll have to come to us, though, since I’m not allowed on the reservation anymore.” There was real hurt in her voice there, and he could understand why. It had been the first decree Sam had made, even though her change hadn’t been intentional. It was the deal for not killing the Cullen's then and there.
“I’ll do that. Still having trouble in paradise, though?” Jacob couldn’t hide his bitterness, even though he wished he could.
“Oh, Jacob. You know why I can’t be there. I’m plenty angry at him, but this is the situation now.” She was calm in her gentle let down of him, as she always was. Even though she loved him, in her own way, the situation made it impossible for them, now. (Jacob’s wolf would always disagree, it didn’t matter that she wasn’t human anymore. He had been wrong when he said he would love her until her heart stopped beating).
“I miss you,” he whispered, his head braced against the wall, eyes closed. He wanted nothing more than to hold her, right at that moment.
“I miss you, too,” she said. Love laced her words, and he could think of nothing else. It soothed the ache, if only briefly.
“Merry Christmas, Jacob. I love you. I’ll see you soon,” she said.
“I love you too,” he responded, just as the tone went flat. She had hung up.
Jacob let go of the phone, and collapsed on the floor, his body leaned against the wall. He openly wept, tears flowing from his eyes, and his chest exploding in pain. Christmas would break his heart, for the rest of his life. And he was sure that each day would follow suit.