Archive of Our Own

01/05/20XX

Today has been increasingly strange. I’m unsure if something is odd about the position of the moon tonight, or if there are any reasonable explanations for the decisions I’ve made. I suppose I have quite a bit to recount, I’ll start from the beginning.

Tsukasa Tenma has been my sworn rival for years, ever since we first met on our opposing battlefields. Our kingdoms are at a constant war, seemingly never coming to any sort of agreement. He’s one of their best knights, from what I’ve gathered.. What a shame that is. It seems that knight has far too much confidence for his own good. By the way he acts, it’s as if he believes he’s superior to all those around him. It’s evident he doesn’t care for his kingdom or colleagues, he solely cares about his own fame and reputation. I personally can’t stand people with that sort of attitude.

He once told me that his kingdom would conquer mine, with complete confidence. 

I told him he’d never see such a day, as I’d be the one to kill him.

Tsukasa laughed, claiming he’d like to see me attempt such a thing.. And that he would also ensure my demise as well, so he would die a hero.

Was that truly all he cared about?

I suppose I subconsciously took that promise I made with him to heart. While the battle was ongoing, I noticed him out of the corner of my eye. The knight has an undeniable presence. His loud voice always makes himself known. He yells out to his fellow knights, standing as though he was their leader. His eyes glittered with determination, not even the snow blowing past could dull their glow. He always appeared unscathed, unharmed. The knight was untouchable, as he brandished his sword, it was undeniable the amount of skill he had. Whether or not he was going to attack me, I’ll never know.

One of our most skilled swordsmen quickly moved to catch him by surprise. An impossible task, as Tsukasa parried with ease and a grin. At this point, someone else attempted to attack me, so I lost track of their battle.

I caught a glimpse of three or four of our knights, all ganging up on Tsukasa and yet, that foolish smile wouldn’t leave his face. However, in a blink, the snow beneath them was dyed red as I lost sight of Tsukasa.

The four other knights raced back into the battlefield, though Tsukasa was not among them. I didn’t see him get back up. I was curious. I took my opportunity to dash over, but found nothing. It wasn’t until I followed a trail of blood down a slight cliff that I found him. He was nestled among the bushes, completely unconscious, but alive. It seemed those other knights had missed that.. Or perhaps they assumed since no one would find him here, it wouldn’t matter. He was bleeding a lot. The snow surrounding him was a dark crimson, a sickening sight. He wouldn’t be able to survive for long after losing so much blood.

Being left to bleed out with no sympathy was in no way the death Tsukasa had imagined. Especially since my promise would be broken, I wouldn’t have been the one to kill him. Looking back on it, I could’ve swiftly ended his life in that moment, but that would’ve been an even worse demise for the knight, if he was unable to even fight back. That's almost too cruel.

I wasn’t thinking properly. I must’ve been acting solely on adrenaline.

I gathered the knight in my arms and fled.

I cut through the forest so I wouldn’t be noticed, running as fast as I could to ensure I could help the knight in time. I ran all the way back to my village and went through the back door to not draw attention. I don’t wish to know what the consequences of bringing an enemy knight into our kingdom would entail.

I cleaned up the knight and checked on his injuries. He’s now resting in my bed, still unconscious. I believe he’s comatose, I’m not sure when he’ll wake, if ever.

He has a broken arm and leg, damage to his ribs, and head trauma.

I’ve treated it the best I can for now, using my magic to stabilize the wounds. I won’t know the extent of his pain or head injury until he wakes. 

I have no idea why I’m doing all this. I truly have no explanation. My head is spinning and I know if he does wake, he’ll likely be completely appalled and want nothing to do with me. Yet, I couldn’t just leave him there.

For Tsukasa, I believed our ending was set in fate.

It seems I was wrong.

01/06/20XX

Tsukasa woke up sooner than I expected. I was just putting together a small lunch, wondering how I was going to get nutrients to the knight, when I heard someone stir.

I rushed to his side, told him to be careful. I expected some sort of shout, a yell of shock and disgust. Instead, he said simply..

“Who are you?”

I immediately began to question him. I’m not trying to be arrogant when I say there was no way he wouldn’t recognize me. We’ve been rivals for so long, after all. It must’ve meant something was wrong. My assumption was correct.

Tsukasa remembered who he himself was, but nothing more.

He couldn’t remember me. He couldn’t remember anyone else in his life. He had no idea where he was, why he was injured, what his last memory was, his kingdom, his role as a knight, nothing.

And so, I explained it to him.

I told him he was a knight from a different kingdom, in a battle with my own kingdom. He was severely injured in that battle, and so I took him in so he could recover. That was all the truth, he deserved to know it.

However, I didn’t tell him about the nature of our relationship. I know that us being from opposing kingdoms would be worrying enough, wouldn’t that bit of information just confuse him further? I need to ensure he remains in my care until he recovers.

Tsukasa seems to be suffering from temporary amnesia. While it is temporary, with a severe head injury like his own, it’s hard to say how long it will last. I can only hope it allows him enough time to recover at least a little.

“Tsukasa,” I warned him as he attempted to move, wincing in pain. “You’re very injured, try not to move so much. If you need something, I’ll get it for you.”

He settled after I gave him that warning. “Thank you, ah.. What’s your name again?”

“Rui Kamishiro.” I answered, though I was worried the name may spark a memory in him. However, he just smiled at me. The brightest, most charming smile I could ever imagine.

“Thank you, Rui. Thank you.”

01/08/20XX
Tsukasa has spent most of his time resting, just as I advised him. He’s rather eager to walk again, saying he wishes to help with dinner or tidy the house, but I must warn against it. It seems he always wants to be doing something..

Tsukasa talks quite a lot, but I don’t mind it. It’s surprisingly nice to have someone to talk to. I haven’t gotten the chance to write much due to our long conversations. He’s currently asleep next to me, so I decided now would be a good time.

Last night, I was ready to sleep in my chair once more. I truly didn’t mind it, I fall asleep at my desk more often than my own bed anyway. However, Tsukasa seemed rather upset at that. He insisted I sleep in the bed, despite how I told him he needed it far more than me. The knight wouldn’t back down, saying I deserved it due to the kindness I showed him. That’s how we ended up with this compromise and are now sharing the bed. It was a little awkward at first, though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate it.

He’s sleeping so peacefully despite his injuries. I’ll have to sleep soon, as I don’t want to disturb him. Admittedly, it’s nice sleeping next to someone. It’s quite warm here. I’ve been resting much better than usual, though I wouldn’t admit it to Tsukasa. Even though he’s lost his memories, we’re still rivals. I’m sure he’d laugh at me once he regains them, if he’s not so embarrassed he leaves immediately upon waking up.

01/14/20XX

Today, Tsukasa was finally able to walk again. He hasn’t entirely recovered, not even close, but I could tell he was unable to sit and do nothing any longer. He can only talk about so much, after all.. And I was beginning to exhaust all my conversation topics. He’d begun to grow restless. I managed to find some crutches for him and stayed close as he got up. He can’t walk for very long or he’ll experience some discomfort and pain, but he wasn’t bothered by that.

He hobbled around the room with his crutches, before smiling brightly at me. His smile could truly light up a room, I felt my own heart grow warmer at the sight. He was so proud of himself, declaring he was such a great knight who could overcome anything.

I found his bold statements rather endearing today. Perhaps because he truly deserved to be proud of such an accomplishment. I’m not entirely sure.

I continued to guide him as he explored the house, but his determination allowed him to move quite fast. My house isn’t very big, with only the main room and the bedroom, but he seemed to enjoy seeing the rest of it. I couldn’t deny him such happiness, so I let him wander around, then wander around again. I could tell he was growing tired and guided him back to the bed so he could sit down.

Tsukasa was still quite energetic.. After a short rest, he wandered around quite a few more times before falling asleep right after dinner.

I’m proud of him today. I’ll perform a check-up on him tomorrow and see how his recovery is going.

01/16/20XX

The check-up went smoothly yesterday. He’s recovering well. He talked to me the entire time.. He even got me to begin speaking about my magic. I don’t usually speak to others about it.. After all, many see witchcraft as dark magic, which admittedly, I have engaged in myself. Especially for certain battles..

The Tsukasa I knew would’ve scoffed at my magic, just like everyone else. Except this time, he was excited. He kept asking questions, wanting to hear more, wanting me to show him certain spells and potion recipes.. For whatever reason, he was in absolute awe. No one has shown so much interest in my magic before..

Despite that being yesterday, it still hasn’t left my mind. Perhaps that’s why I was rather lenient with Tsukasa today. I needed to go out to the town and purchase some more items. Not only were we running low on food, but I needed certain herbs for Tsukasa’s medicine as well. Tsukasa quickly asked if he could come along.. I knew he was bored of being trapped in the house, so I agreed. I wrapped him up in a cloak, he wasn’t wearing his knight armor or anything discernable, but it would be quite the issue if he was recognized as not being from this kingdom. Ensuring he could still easily use his crutches, we left for the nearby town. I stayed close to him the entire time, but he didn’t even seem to grow tired.

He was very helpful. Tsukasa advised me on new recipes and tried his best to help collect items for me, though I told him not to stray too far. I didn’t want him tripping or getting knocked over. However, if he wasn’t hindered by his injuries, I believe I could’ve gotten my shopping done twice as fast with his help!

After the shopping, I wanted Tsukasa to get some rest before we walked back home. I took him to a cafe I like to go to sometimes and we had dinner together. We talked the entire time, so much that I nearly forgot to eat. After spending so many of my dinners alone, it felt wonderful to eat alongside someone… Tsukasa is an especially easy person to speak with. I suppose I never got the chance to talk to him casually like this before.. I never realized how truly kind he is. He’s enthusiastic about so many things, and always appears engaged whenever I talk. He gives me this attentive look.. With his usual smile..

His smile is gentle, yet so bright.. I can’t bring myself to look away.

I impulsively asked him if he’d like to go out like this again. He happily agreed.

I’m quite happy too. I can’t wait for our next dinner together.

01/30/20XX

I apologize for not writing as much these past few days, though I suppose the only person reading this is myself, so I have no reason to apologize. I haven’t been feeling compelled to write recently.. I’d usually write whenever I learnt new spells or had any thoughts I wanted to share, but I’ve just begun sharing these thoughts with Tsukasa. It’s actually quite nice to have someone you can share your thoughts with who will actually reply and speak his mind in return.

I suppose that’s sort of how a friendship works..

It may be strange of me to admit this, but I have been genuinely enjoying Tsukasa’s company. Spending every day with him has been lovely. I continue to help him with his recovery and we’ve been going out into the town every few days, just to get out of the house. He does give me my alone time when I request it, which is how I’m writing this right now. I haven’t told Tsukasa about my journals, but considering their private nature, I don’t think I ever will.

After all, if he is to read them, he’ll find out about our true relationship. I’m dreading the day he regains his memories, the day he finds out.. I know he’ll leave. He’ll be disgusted and leave, calling my magic twisted and evil.. That’s how the Tsukasa I knew would react.. The Tsukasa I thought I knew..

The more I speak with him, the more I can’t believe it. The Tsukasa I knew before.. Is that Tsukasa’s true personality? Or did I just misinterpret his behaviour? Judge him before I could even get to know him better?

Though, that’s the way everyone treats me. I’m quite the hypocrite, if that’s the case.

I don’t want to lose the Tsukasa I know now. Though, perhaps I won’t have to. Perhaps this is the true Tsukasa.. If so, I’m incredibly lucky to have gotten to know him.

02/20/20XX

It’s been some time since I first took Tsukasa in. He’s recovering well. His arm has completely healed while his leg and ribs are certainly on their way to full recovery. He’s begun to move around more and has been much more cheerful. However, it doesn’t seem like his amnesia has cleared up yet.

I’ve attempted to ask him a few questions to see if he’s regained any of his memories, even the slightest bit of progress, but he said he hadn’t. When I tried to ask more, he seemed to get slightly irritated with me, so I left it alone. I’m sure this must be frustrating for him. We decided to go for a walk around town, I hoped it would help him calm down and luckily he returned back to his usual self rather quickly.

I’m sure once he gets his memories back, I’ll know.

I’ll know as.. he may not be the same Tsukasa I’ve spent this past month with.

We spent the rest of the night playing a new board game Tsukasa found when wandering through the shops. I’m actually quite good at it, much to Tsukasa’s dismay. Despite all the times he lost to me, he seemed to have a lot of fun.

In truth, I let him win the final round. Seeing that smile on his face made the loss worth it. In fact, it was even better than winning.

Tsukasa is quite affectionate when he sleeps. I’ll often wake in the night to find his head resting on my chest or with his arms tight around me. He always seems embarrassed about it when he wakes up, but I don’t mind. There’s something so comforting about it. I insist that I don’t mind it because I truly don’t want him to stop.

Perhaps tonight, I’ll hold him in my arms and hope he understands how comforting such an embrace is.

My thoughts and feelings are truly all over the place. I’m not sure what to think. I spend each day with Tsukasa, not knowing when I’m going to lose him. For whatever reason, I’m deeply afraid of that. I’ve recently been falling asleep with the same thought in mind.. Though it may be cruel of me, I truly hope Tsukasa never remembers our past.

I’m afraid I’ll miss him too much once he’s gone.

03/14/20XX

The snow has begun to melt as the air grows warmer, bringing changes along with it. That’s the essence of spring. New beginnings and changes in life.

For Tsukasa, his injuries have healed a significant amount. He’ll still have to take it easy for a few months, likely no more knightly tasks and battles for some time, but he’s able to move around on his own with minimal pain or discomfort.

For me, I’ve grown rather solemn.

Spring isn’t the season for such a mood, with all the new plants beginning to sprout and my garden finally able to be tended to. Yet, I can’t help it. I know my time with Tsukasa will be coming to an end soon, but it pains me to think about it.

It’s selfish of me, but I want to stay with him for longer. I want to treasure this warmth he makes me feel. I want him to smile at me the way he does each and every morning for the rest of our lives. I want to continue this peaceful life alongside him.

I can’t recall the last time I’ve lived such a life. I haven’t thought about our next battle, our next assassination. I haven’t been making poisons or practicing spells to kill opposing knights in a single motion. That’s not something I wish to do anymore. I couldn’t care less about climbing in the ranks. In fact, I’ve ignored so many letters from them, I may as well have been kicked out already.

I was so alone before meeting Tsukasa. I engaged in this violence, this dark magic, believing it would lead me to a place where I could belong, but I was wrong. This is where I want to belong. Here, by Tsukasa’s side. With my sun, my stars, the light in the dark sky that surrounded me, guiding me forwards.

I wish I could tell him. I wish I could explain to him how much he means to me, how he makes me feel, but.. You could say I’m far too nervous to share such personal thoughts.

Besides, Tsukasa seemed rather quiet today. It’s strange for him to act this way, but I decided to leave him be. We cooked a simple dinner together and ate in a comfortable silence. I told him that tomorrow should be warmer and we can start preparing our garden for the spring season. He nodded and said he was going to bed early today.

I’m worried that something’s wrong, but he’s already gone to sleep. I should let him rest. I’ll ask him tomorrow if I notice anything odd about his behaviour. I truly care for Tsukasa, perhaps more than I should. I want to ensure he’s happy, even if that means inevitably letting him leave me behind.

03/15/20XX

Our day began with Tsukasa and I waking up in each other’s embrace once again. Seeing that soft smile on his face, I knew Tsukasa must’ve been feeling better.

The temperature had grown warmer, just as I had predicted. After a small breakfast, we headed out to the garden, beginning to plant the new seeds for the year. Everything seemed to be going as normal. Until I realized I only had space for one type of flower, not the two we had picked out before. I turned to Tsukasa, asking him if he had any preference for which ones we should plant this spring.

He beamed and answered without hesitation. “Well, the tulips, of course! They’re my sister’s favourites!”

As soon as those words left his mouth, Tsukasa seemed to realize he had made a mistake. His eyes widened as his smile dropped.

I didn’t know Tsukasa had a sister.

Tsukasa didn’t know that either. At least, he didn’t seem to before.

“Tsukasa..” I spoke slowly. “Your.. sister?”

Tsukasa’s eyes met my own, yet he seemed frantic. “No..! Just forget I said anything!”

“You’ve regained your memories.” I replied, matter of factly. I was certain of it. And from my words, I could see Tsukasa begin to panic even more.

I didn’t want to see him so fearful. So instead, I gave in to my own fear first.

I quickly turned and raced back into the house.

Tsukasa followed, I knew he would. I didn’t stop him, a part of me didn’t want to stop him.

“Rui..” He said. I always loved hearing him say my name, but this time was different. I trembled, terrified of what he would say next. Terrified of the rejection, the truth, the hatred.

“Rui, I recovered from amnesia yesterday.” Tsukasa admitted. While I was surprised, I quickly acknowledged how his statement made a lot of sense. “I.. I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why?” I asked, finally turning to face him once more.

“Because of our relationship in the past..! I wasn’t sure what to do.. I suddenly remembered all the terrible things we did and said to one another. I felt ashamed! And full of regret!” Tsukasa kept his gaze fixed on me. I didn’t even glance away for a second. “Especially after the kindness you showed me these past few months.. Once you realized I had recovered, wouldn’t you send me back to my kingdom? Back to where we’re enemies?”

I was silent for a few moments, processing these words. I was almost in complete disbelief. “You thought I would send you back?”

I shook my head. “Tsukasa, I was only afraid of you regaining your memories because.. I believed you would leave me the moment you remembered.”

“Did you..?” Tsukasa seemed to be just as surprised. “No, I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t. I just thought you’d still hold a grudge from back then.”

I felt myself relax, stepping closer to Tsukasa. “No.. I realized that I had completely misjudged you in the past. The Tsukasa Tenma I’ve grown to know is.. one of the best people I’ve had the fortune to meet. I’ve enjoyed this time with you, Tsukasa. More than anything.”

There it was. That gentle smile that lit up Tsukasa’s face like the first shooting star of a meteor shower.

“I was quite mistaken too.” Tsukasa laughed. “You’ve treated me with nothing but kindness and acceptance. I owe you all of my gratitude for this.. I owe you my life, Rui. If it weren’t for you, I..”

His voice trailed off as I recalled his fragile body, lying alone in the crimson snow. No one on the battlefield spared the dying knight a single glance. While I was unsure of my motive then, I know it led to this moment now. I wanted to save Tsukasa, but he ended up saving me.

“I owe you everything, Tsukasa.”

“Everything? No.. I haven’t done anything to warrant-”

“You showed me how beautiful life can be. No matter how simple.” I interrupted him, but I needed him to understand. “Making dinner together, going shopping, sleeping, even gardening.. I enjoy it so much more with you. Before this, I believed myself to be cruel and heartless. I did what I was told, not caring what harm I caused. I was convinced I would kill you someday, but I was instead compelled to save you. In doing so.. you saved me.”

“I’ve been living alone here for so long.” I admitted. “I lost most of my dearest friends due to the path I went down.. I don’t want to live like that anymore.”

Tsukasa drew closer to me, I grew tense, but the moment he took my hands in his, I felt nothing but warmth and reassurance.

“Rui.. I’ve lived so happily here with you. I want to continue living here with you.. In peace.” He gently moved his thumb against the back of my hand in circles. “Working as a knight.. I believed I could be doing something good. Protecting the people and helping others.. But we did nothing of the sort. Engaging in so many pointless wars and battles, we made the townspeople fear us. We didn’t solve conflicts, we started them.”

Tsukasa shook his head, grimacing at the sickening memories running through his mind. “This town is sweet, with so many kind people.. I want to remain here. I want to protect them, like a true knight should. No more wars.. No more pain..”

He chuckled, looking up at me. “I may be asking too much, but..”

“I’d be honoured if you stayed here.” I replied. “I’d love it.. so much..”

“Thank you, Rui.” His voice trembled as he pulled me into a tight embrace. I didn’t let go. I didn’t ever want to. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

I wanted to tell him that I was the lucky one, but when I thought about it.. We both were. We are both so lucky to have each other. I’m so glad I trusted myself on that cold winter day. I’m so glad I have Tsukasa.

After some time, we went back to our garden. We planted the tulips Tsukasa suggested as he began to tell me about his sister. He spoke about himself, about the past he couldn’t remember until now.. and I ensured I gave him all of my attention. 

04/12/20XX

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. Having Tsukasa by my side has been wonderful and we’ve been living peacefully since he’s decided to stay.

A few days after he recovered from amnesia, he decided to visit his kingdom. After all, everyone must’ve believed he was long dead.. They deserved to know that he was okay. He insisted upon me coming along, even though I knew they wouldn’t be happy to see a member of the opposing kingdom had taken their knight. Still, he said he wanted to introduce the person who saved his life to his friends and family.. Tsukasa is quite persuasive when he’s being so flattering, so I finally gave in.

The trip to Tsukasa’s kingdom wasn’t a long one. However, there wasn’t much to see during the walk. Most of the nature between our two kingdoms had been destroyed in those countless battles. I took Tsukasa’s hand in mine as we walked and despite everything, we tried to appreciate whatever was left. Once we arrived, everyone was so happy to see Tsukasa. So happy that I was barely even questioned about where I was from or who I was by the knights at the gates. We were simply ushered inside as the knights called nearly everyone in the kingdom to announce that Tsukasa was safe. 

I felt a bit awkward at first amidst the reunion, but once Tsukasa told them what happened, I was the one receiving endless praise. I said I only wanted Tsukasa to be safe. Some actually did recognize me from the past, including Tsukasa’s sister, Saki. She was quite wary of me being so close with her brother now, I certainly can’t blame her. She pulled me aside and gave me an entire talk on treating her brother right. I assured her that I would. Now I’m even more compelled to ensure Tsukasa’s happiness. I want to bring endless smiles to his face, exactly how he does for me.

Tsukasa told the knights he was quitting. I was surprised by his boldness, but he was decisive. He requested to keep his armor though, saying he was going to start a new force, to protect the townspeople whenever they were in need, instead of fighting pointless battles. After explaining his case, he was able to take it with him. I think the head knight truly took his words to heart. I hope they reconsider their past methods. On our way back home, Tsukasa said he wanted to start his patrol that night. I could tell he was excited, so I remained encouraging. Admittedly, I was a little worried due to his injuries that still felt all too recent. I told him he still had to be careful, but he said he wasn’t planning to fight, just try to get to know the area. I agreed, knowing Tsukasa is a skilled and capable knight. I just can’t stand to see him hurt again.

While I attempted to remain calm, my worry just got worse once Tsukasa left that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He hadn’t done any training in a while, he still hadn’t fully recovered from his previous injuries, and he had no way to call for backup. I ended up convincing myself something was going to happen to him and raced out to find him. He was alright, of course, but could sense my nerves. He asked if I wanted to join him on patrols, to which I agreed. It’ll take me some time, but I’d love to see Tsukasa in action again. His skills are truly magnificent.. It will be wonderful to finally work alongside him and not against him.

I’ll be asking Tsukasa to speak to the kingdom court about his new idea of a knightly order focused on protecting the town. I believe his idea is a good one and I hope to see him succeed.

Living together with Tsukasa has been perfect. I feel as though we’ve only grown closer since. I haven’t even had time to write before sleeping, since the moment we get into bed, we’re in each other’s arms. I managed to tell Tsukasa how much I enjoy being so close.. I believe that’s why he’s become less embarrassed about it. I’m glad. I fall asleep so quickly in his embrace, even when I wish I could stay awake a little longer.. savoring the quiet moment between us.

My feelings for Tsukasa are strong. I’m not sure what they are exactly, but I do know that I want to stay with him forever. I want to be close with him. Perhaps even closer. Whatever it is.. I have endless days with Tsukasa to figure it out.