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Weak and exhausted, Renarin took his final steps forward. Following rumours and visions, it had taken weeks to track down the Midnight Mother to this dreary monastery in the mountains.
Father always wanted me to end up in the Ardentia...
He left Rlain outside the entrance, citing the ardents’ fears of Voidbringers, but he hadn’t actually asked the ardents. In truth, he didn’t want Rlain to see what came next. He had to do this alone.
May Rlain forgive me, he thought grimly. It didn’t seem likely.
Deep in the cavern under the monastery, he found Her. Primal, oily blackness seethed in front of him. It had been a year since he’d last seen her at the heart of Urithiru. The Unmade was bigger than he remembered.
Terrified, Renarin took a step closer. He could feel her boundless curiosity, and he could sense that should she probe his mind, she would destroy it in order to learn everything she could.
He had seen it. She would destroy him, but somehow the act of consuming him would destroy her.
He trusted the vision. Trusted that he was poison. Deep inside he knew he could be wrong, but somehow in his stressed, exhausted state, it felt right. He could lay down his burdens at the feet of the Midnight Mother and lose himself in her embrace. The sacrifice would be worth it.
Renarin could be a hero. All he had to do was lay down and die.
She drew him forward, another hesitant, trembling step.
“NO!” a voice boomed.
Then, light.
At first he thought he was dead, or in one of Dalinar’s visions. Renarin fell to his knees. Pure brightness surrounded him, and then a flash, breaking into thousands of rainbow shards sparkling violently.
Are we doing this? He asked Glys as his heart raced.
You will see! Glys answered gleefully.
“You CANNOT have him!” the voice bellowed, closer now. Sparkling flecks shimmered through Renarin’s closed eyes.
The Midnight Mother screamed.
Renarin hunched forward, covering his ears and hiding his eyes. It was all just too much.
“He belongs to one more powerful than you!”
Wait. Was that…Rlain? But…Renarin had left him behind to protect him. Renarin lifted his head, but the light was so strong…
“Yes. Yes, come closer,” Rlain called out to Confidence. “Fear the Lightweavers, but don’t fear the Truthwatchers. You want a vision of what you could be, hm? See yourself as a human? Have it, then!”
“No…” What if Rlain died instead? Renarin reached out, squinting, trying to see in the brilliant brightness.
The Midnight Mother let out a screech that blasted Renarin’s ears, threatening to pierce his brain itself. He collapsed, screaming along with the pain.
He spent an eternity in that moment.
Suddenly the sound and light cut dead, leaving his eyes throbbing and his ears ringing with the echoes of screams. He realized Rlain’s hand was on his back, tapping out the Rhythm of Peace.
Renarin opened his eyes. The Midnight Mother was gone.
“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not meant to be some sacrifice?” Rlain asked. He spoke calmly, but his hand was shaking. Renarin could tell when he was suppressing a Rhythm.
“It’s the best chance I have to be worth something,” Renarin mumbled, pushing himself up to sitting. His head pounded, and he stared at the floor. “That…what you did…that wasn’t supposed to happen. If I’d…she would have died.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t like what was supposed to happen. Maybe it’s worth just scaring her off again so you can live. We can find her again, but we can’t afford to lose you. You’re worth something just as you are, Renarin.” Oh yes, that was Betrayal underneath.
Rlain put out his hand. Renarin reluctantly let himself get pulled to standing, then forced himself to look at Rlain.
His face was striped with tears.
“Stop it,” Rlain said to Betrayal. “Stop doing this to yourself. Stop doing this to me. Think, Renarin. What would sacrificing yourself now do for the One? You would have snuffed out your future. What experiences could we have had, if you had died now? None!” He took Renarin’s shoulders and shook them. “Don’t leave me alone, storm you! I need you!”
“I—first off, how dare you use my religion against me, and—and…” Renarin’s mind raced. “Wait. You need me? You don’t need me. No one needs me.”
Rlain glared at him, then huffed a human snort of indignation. “Renarin Who-Was-Named-After-Himself! Literally no one in the world could replace you! I need you, not anyone else. I love you!” As he said it, his body lit up with Stormlight.
Well, Renarin could hardly deny the truth of that. The words shocked him like a bucket of cold cremwater.
Rlain seemed equally shocked. “Are you serious, Tumi?” he sputtered, holding his arms out. Resplendent in Light, vibrating with anger and indignation, Rlain was a glorious sight.
Renarin barked a laugh, then another, and then found he couldn’t stop. The weight of their travels, the stress, the weeks of dread… “I’m so sorry,” Renarin gasped between peals of laughter.
Rlain crossed his arms and hummed to Annoyance, shaking his head. “Let’s get some food in you. Storming man.”
Soon they had gotten out of that dreary building and into the sunlight. Renarin realized with a blink that it was barely afternoon. Had he gone a full day without eating?
They sat down with some rations, side by side on a large rock overlooking deep foothills, rivers, and distant peaks. As he ate, Renarin felt the wind, watching the clouds fly past like his old Windrunner aspirations.
Now that the moment had fully passed, he felt like Cabine, one of the Ten Fools. He’d really lost himself in that childish feeling of uselessness. He should know he’s not a burden. Most days, he did know. The Midnight Mother had really gotten into his head.
That, and forgetting to eat. Storms, he’d have to do better at that. “I feel more like myself with some rations in me,” he said.
“Yes, you’re looking much more…rational,” Rlain said to Amusement.
“Thanks…for saving me.” Renarin poked around, looking for a stone. “So, um. Your hard truth is that you love me?”
Rlain flopped back onto the rock, arms up, and heaved a sigh. “I guess. I thought it would be hard for you to hear.”
The best stone he could find was still too sharp. Renarin tossed it. “It is, actually. I never thought someone would love me. Could love me. It changes everything.” Anxiety crept up under his skin. “I’d have to change who I am…”
Rlain rolled towards him. “Hey,” he said, grabbing Renarin’s forearm solidly. “You don’t have to change anything. Except maybe your suicidal rampages.”
Renarin huffed a laugh. Who would he be if Rlain were always there beside him? Maybe it wasn’t about change. Maybe it was about just letting himself be. That would be easier. After all, Rlain was already beside him.
As if in a stained-glass vision, he saw himself standing tall, side by side with Rlain, holding hands. Feeling confident in saying what needed to be said. No more scratching glyphs in the walls when no one was looking. No more standing at the edge of the scholar’s rooms. He could be the odd one out, and be at home there, if Rlain were odd with him.
“So when you said I belong to someone more powerful, you didn't mean Honor or Odium, did you?” he asked.
A hum to Reconciliation. “I meant me,” Rlain said. “It was a bit presumptuous.”
“Well you were more powerful than her…” Renarin slowly started to smile, scootching closer to Rlain.
Rlain leaned in with a grin, looking at Renarin’s lips. “I wasn't so sure at the time.”
“Well, maybe you were right. About everything. As usual.” Renarin flushed, realizing what Rlain might mean with that look. Hope surged within him as he looked around Rlain’s face, checking for more clues.
The listener waggled his eyebrows in an exaggerated way. “Careful, I could get used to hearing that.”
Renarin giggled, and Rlain snuck in close to kiss Renarin on the cheek as he laughed. Still giggling, Renarin took Rlain by the beard and drew him in to kiss on the lips.
Renarin had wondered whether he’d like the way Rlain tasted. He certainly liked the way he smelled. As their lips touched, Rlain's taste complemented what he already knew about the man—rich, complex. Mushroomy? He closed his eyes to really focus, and tasted hints of umami and belonging.
They pulled apart, both grinning, Rlain humming to Joy. Renarin craved more of him, though his heart was already full to bursting. He looked down and touched Rlain’s forearm carapace. The best texture. He could hardly dare believe it, but the way Rlain had glowed… “I love you too,” he said, fingertips tracing the marbling.
Then he looked at his own chest. “Nothing from you, Glys?”
Glys was silently amused.
“Nice to know it wasn't that hard to say,” Renarin joked, glancing back up at Rlain.
“Your hard truth is still coming,” Rlain said seriously. “After all, you'll have to tell your father we’re courting.”
“Actually, I don’t think it’ll be that hard to say, if you’re with me,” Renarin said. He stood, feeling a weight fall from him. Looking out over the vast landscape, he felt as though the One had given him another chance. Rlain was right. Renarin was unique, and unique experience was all it took to be of value to the One.
He hopped off the rock lightly, then offered his hand to Rlain. “Come on, let’s go, so I can tell him,” he said, bouncing on his heels. “Before you change your mind.”
Rlain accepted his hand and jumped down after him. He hummed to Skepticism. “We can take all the time in the world, then.”
“In that case, we’d better keep tracking the Midnight Mother.” Renarin looked at their clasped hands, and it felt right, all the way to his core.
Then, together, they took a step forward into the future.