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Nanami is standing in his kitchen putting away the dishes from dinner when he notices how quiet it is. It’s too quiet. Normally the thought would give him peace, but these days it fills him with dread. Gojo has an uncanny ability to know exactly the moment Nanami relaxes into the quiet, and he always appears to disturb it. Tonight is no different it would seem, as he feels the familiar burst of cursed energy as the man in question teleports into the living room behind him in the open planned kitchen. The feeling grows stronger as Gojo walks up behind him to wrap his long arms around his waist and plants a kiss to the nape of Nanami’s neck, just under the short hair of his undercut.
“I’m home Kento~” is breathed out in a singsong against his skin.
Nanami almost allows him this, the pang in his chest longing to lean back into the embrace before he catches himself. What a foolish thought process, he feels anger boil to the surface and attempts to squash it down, removing Gojo’s hands from his body as he takes a step away to glare at him.
“How many times have I told you to stop doing this, this is my home not yours, stop coming by whenever you feel the whim. Also again, refrain from such inappropriate displays of affection, we are not together, I thought I made myself clear that we are colleagues and nothing more.” Nanami struggles to keep the irritation and hurt out of his voice, he can feel his left eye twitching in anger as he stands in front of Gojo, hands on his hips.
“Oh come on now Nanamin, you and I both know this is inevitable, I’m merely attempting to speed up the process.” Gojo replies smiling, blind fold round his neck, eyes uncovered, back leaning against the kitchen counter like he belongs there.
Maybe he does Nanami’s brain unhelpfully supplies, he has to put a stop to this now. They’ve been dancing around this for months now, this unspoken love between them, it has grown too familiar, too comfortable, and Nanami has foolishly let it go too far.
“Stop.” Nanami sighs out, one hand coming up to wipe down his face suddenly exhausted, “Please just stop, Satoru. This is not happening, I would ask that you kindly please leave me alone” he finishes, looking away from Gojo to stare down at the kitchen floor.
“Stop what Ken? I’m not doing anything, just came along to spend time with you is all, why is that so bad?” Gojo shifts to prop one hip on the counter, arms crossed over his chest, turning to face him more directly, one eyebrow raised in challenge.
“You know why, and I am telling you to stop. I mean it when I say we cannot do this.” Nanami sighs, eyes still on the floor.
“We can’t do what? Have our epic love story?” Gojo smiles lopsidedly.
“Exactly.”
There is a pause, Nanami didn’t plan for this conversation to happen tonight but here it is regardless, he can practically hear the cogs in Gojo’s head ticking, the room suddenly feeling far too small to contain the two tall men.
“Wait, what?” Gojo stands up straight, brows furrowed, it’s the first Nanami has really acknowledged the relationship between them. Typically he brushes it off, feigns irritation while still allowing Gojo to pester him. It’s their dynamic, Gojo pushes and Nanami relents, he thought they were making progress on that front, Gojo managing to slowly chip away at Nanami’s hard as steel exterior walls. It’s no great secret that they love each other, even if they’ve never said it aloud, it’s just simply an unspoken fact between them. “I’m not sure I understand, what’s changed?”
“Nothing has changed, I am just ensuring it doesn’t. If this continues on the way it is we will end up hurting each other, so I am asking you please to stop now.” Nanami states calmly, though he feels anything but, he turns to look up at Gojo meeting his eyes.
“I don’t want this to stop, I want us to be together” Gojo all but splutters out, “I know you want that too, why are you denying us?” Gojo isn’t even bothering to hide the hurt in his voice, he wants to plead with the stubborn man in front of him to let them have this.
“I don’t want this Satoru that’s what I am saying, this cannot continue.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why wont you let me love you?”
It’s as if time stops.
There are no sounds but their heavy breathing seeming deafeningly loud in the silence. The unspoken thing has been spoken, it cannot be unsaid, it’s out in the open now. Gojo broke the invisible rule, spoke their love into unflinchingly cruel reality, he’s asked Nanami now and the answering silence has him feeling as if he’s caught in his own infinite void.
Nanami grits his teeth, arms down by his sides now, hands curled into fists, knuckles white. He stares unblinking at Gojo who in turn stares right back, standing directly in front of him, hands which had abruptly halted in their gesture towards Nanami, to hug him, pull him closer or shake his shoulders in a desperate need to make him see sense, now drop to hang limply by his own sides. It is Nanami who breaks the silence first.
“Let you?” He grits out, “You are a grown man, I don’t get to let you do anything.”
“But you won’t let me love you.”
“You are free to do as you please, just as I am free to do as I please. You can love me all you want, however I am free to choose whether I want to be loved, and I do not.”
“So you are denying yourself love? For what reason?”
“You know just as well as I do how futile these endeavours are in this line of work. To ‘let’ anyone love me is cruel. I cannot stop your feelings Satoru, however I can stop you acting on them, this has to stop now.”
“What, our lives are short and so we shouldn’t bother? Is that it? What about our lives are short and so we should seize every opportunity? I know what we feel for each other is real, why wont you let it happen?” Gojo’s voice is raised, he desperately needs Nanami to understand, this is not how he pictured this conversation going all the times he envisioned it.
“Because when I die it will break you!” Nanami yells out, normally so composed and sure of himself, he finds he cannot contain this despair. “That is the bottom line. It is cruel for either of us to even entertain the notion, you are the strongest so you will live on. I am not and I will die. It could happen at any time. Tomorrow, next week, a year from now, any time in between, and if we cross this line it cannot be uncrossed, and when I die you will be hurt.” He pauses to take a ragged breath, “You cannot tell me you won’t be.” He finishes in almost a whisper, the fight drained out of him.
Gojo can feel his eyes welling up with tears he refuses to let drop, this time he doesn’t stop his hands in their desperate attempt to grasp at Nanami, clutching at the mans hands he brings them close to his chest cradling them.
“That may be so Kento, but consider the fact I will be hurt regardless. I love you.” He sniffs, bringing one of Nanami’s hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to the strained white knuckles, “I love you Kento. Whether I act on it or not, I will still love you, and if there comes a time I cannot protect you and your time is up, I will be broken regardless.” He’s said it once now and finds he can’t stop himself repeating it, almost like a plea, like maybe Nanami just needs to hear it a few times and everything will be fixed, then they can stop this painful discussion. “You are not protecting me by not acting on this, you are denying us love in the meantime for no reason. Can you tell me honestly that you wouldn’t have regrets if you died without ever knowing what we could have been? What we still could be?”
Nanami wrenches his hands out of Gojo’s grasp, “Don’t you throw that at me, we all have regrets, it is inevitable, sorcerer or not. If I die and know I am leaving you behind a broken man I could curse you, I won’t have that I refuse.” He turns his face away from Gojo and exhales shakily.
Gojo cups his face turning Nanami to look at him once more, “I’m the strongest Kento, did you forget? What is a measly curse to Gojo Satoru, regardless of where it comes from? I can take them all on, I would take your curse gladly.” He brushes his thumb against the sharp cut of his cheekbone and tries for a smile.
“You can’t say that, don’t you say that to me.” Nanami whispers into the space between them, closing his eyes, brows furrowed in anguish, he desperately wants to nuzzle into the palm on his cheek, lean up to close the space and press his lips against his.
“Kento I love you, please let me in.” Gojo presses their foreheads together.
“Satoru I can’t, please don’t make me do this.”
“I know you love me too, tell me you love me, we can do this, we both want this, please” Gojo all but whimpers, eyes squeezed shut to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks, hands cupping Nanami’s face holding him close.
“I… I’m sorry Satoru, in another life I could, but I cannot in this one.” Nanami breathes in deeply, the smell of Gojo invading his senses, before he opens his eyes and steps away.
“Kento… Tell me you love me. Please.” Gojo stands trembling before him, eyes wide uncaring of the tears now. He needs to hear it, frantic craving to at least just hear it said once, he feels like his skin is flayed open, soul on display, so vulnerable in front of the man he so desperately loves. “…Kento?”.
“I’m sorry.” Nanami turns away, his back to Gojo as he takes a steadying breath in. “I think you should leave, Gojo-san.”
Gojo feels like he’s been slapped in the face, hearing “Gojo-san” from this man again is like he’s been plunged into ice. He takes a staggered step back as if the name has physically damaged him, maybe it has, breath hitching in agony, “Excuse me?”
Nanami glances in his direction over his shoulder, not quite able to make eye contact, “I think you should leave.” He states clearly, resolute in his decision, leaving no room for debate.
Gojo runs his trembling hands through his hair, before letting out an almighty dejected sigh. He crosses his arms, nods sharply to himself before looking at Nanami once more, “Fine. If that’s what you want. But I will be back, I won’t let you go Kento, that’s not happening. I am not giving this up.”
Nanami can’t even look at him, can’t bear to turn around and face the man he loves, he lets out a sigh of his own and resumes putting away the dishes from earlier, back still to Gojo. He feels the sudden burst of cursed energy once again as Gojo teleports out of his house. He notices how quiet it is, and he sags against the counter trying to control his breathing. It’s too quiet. When the first anguished sob is ripped out of him he tries to push it back down, hands desperately gripping the counters edge, before he drops to his knees and lets the gasping sobs escape him. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s cried like this, if ever. As time passes the pained cries subdue into quiet sniffs and sighs. He leans his head back against the counter utterly exhausted, arms wrapped loosely around his knees hugging himself, unconsciously self-soothing.
“I love you too, Satoru.” He whispers to no one, all alone sitting on his kitchen floor.