Chapter Text
It was sometime at the beginning of the new year when Gyuvin subconsciously decided to give Ricky one last test, one last farewell. Call it what you want -- perhaps it was just his body acting independently of his mind. Because since the start of their physical relationship, he had always gotten the feeling that their bodies, their dicks were separate creatures from them, seeming almost to love each other more than they loved each other. They argued day and night like cats and dogs, but their bodies never seemed to have anything but desire and craving for each other. Sometimes, he felt that if their bodies belonged to two different people, two people who didn't hate each other as much as they loved each other, they would have been united much earlier.
He found his feet leading him on the familiar route down the corridor, past two doors to Ricky's closed one. His heart was rushing in his ears, and he felt light-headed and dangerously bold, not like himself. He took a deep breath and raised his fist, knocking on the door.
The moment Ricky opened it, the words started tumbling out of Gyuvin's mouth, helter-skelter, the same words he had been trying valiantly to tell Ricky verbally and by text for the past month, but more. Yes, he knew he had fucked up badly, made a terrible mistake. He was that person who had done all of these things, but he was also this person now, the one Ricky had fallen in love with. He was completely different now, and it was Ricky Shen who had changed him. Everything he had ever said to, everything he had ever felt for Ricky had been true. He deeply regretted the person he had used to be, would change his past if he could. He wasn't a good person, not by a long shot, but Ricky made him want to be the best he could be. He brought out the best in Gyuvin. It sounded like a quote from a Nicholas Sparks novel, but it was true.
Ricky leaned against the doorframe, watched and listened to him quietly as he made a fool of himself, dashing his arms across his uncontrollably leaking eyes. His own eyes were dry and impenetrable. Gyuvin knew that it didn't matter what he said anymore, that it was too late. He just wished he had told Ricky when he could, when he still believed Gyuvin, how Ricky only deserved the most selfless of love, how he was the person in this fucked up world Gyuvin couldn't bear to hurt the most.
Ricky folded his arms over his chest when Gyuvin finally stopped blubbering and fell into a sniffling silence. "Are you done?" was all he said, tonelessly.
Gyuvin nodded, heart sinking like a brick in the ocean as Ricky started closing the door. Gyuvin quickly placed a hand on the edge to stop it. Ricky stared at him, his eyes hard as nails. "What else do you want?" he said, voice low.
Gyuvin shivered at his glacierlike eyes, looking longingly at the set of sturdy shoulders that he wanted so desperately to rest his weary head against, but he had to remind himself that they no longer belonged to him. Standing in his doorway, Ricky looked so heartwrenchingly beautiful and unattainable.
"I'm leaving," Gyuvin blurted out softly, the decision not even set in stone until he pronounced the words with his mouth, but once he said it out, he knew it was the right thing to do. For everybody. He had to clear up the mess he had created by disappearing.
Ricky's hand fell from the door. There was a protracted, thick silence before he said, equally softly, "So?"
"I want one last time," Gyuvin heard himself babbling breathlessly. "Just one night --" His voice choked up with fear of rejection. He didn't know what he was hoping for, if this would only fuck things up more but he was too far gone to care. He knew he had thrown his dignity away, knew from the way Ricky was staring at him incredulously, open-mouthed, his eyes filled with no desire, only disdain and disgust. He didn't know what else to do; he just hated the feeling that he was losing Ricky and couldn't do anything to stop it.
What he felt most regretful about the timing of the revelation was that it had come before he had been able to go all the way with Ricky, possess him completely and be possessed by him. It sounded like a cheap and shallow dilemma, but how could Gyuvin live with himself for the rest of his life if he went away now without even having sex with Ricky once? If his heart had to lose its other half, then goddammit, his body wouldn't without a fight. How could he accept that the unfairness of the fact that in just one day, he had lost Ricky's adoring, worshipful gaze for good? He had given himself airs, taken it for granted, but now he felt so bereft and abandoned. He had been taught a lesson for being so cocky, now reduced to his basest self, begging on his knees without a single shread of shame or self-respect for Ricky's cock.
"Get up," Ricky hissed furiously, closing a rough hand under his arm and hauling him to his feet from where he had sank to his knees and leaned forward to start mouthing Ricky's cock through his sweatpants. Ricky looked around the corridor quickly, then got in Gyuvin's face and spit out in a harsh whisper, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Please..." Gyuvin's voice caught in a sob. "Just once --" He was begging, but he had never wanted anything more, waited for it so long only to have it dangled tantalizing within reach and then jerked out of his grasp at the last minute.
Ricky's lips curled in a snarl, eyes studying him closely and clinically. "You want me to fuck you goodbye?"
"Yes," Gyuvin gasped, the words spelling out his very deepest desires. "Yesyesyes --"
Ricky dropped his hand from his arm, pity in his eyes. He looked at Gyuvin for a long time, before shaking his head sadly, with what sounded like regret. "Sorry. I don't want to. Not like this."
The words crushed Gyuvin like a pile of rocks dropped on his head, hit him like a bucket of ice water. His face burned. Had Ricky just rejected him, after Gyuvin had thrown himself at him, literally sent himself right up to his door?
"Are you scared?" he heard himself saying in a challenging, goading voice with shock. He watched Ricky's jaw tighten, his shoulders tense up. "Scared that your feelings for me will come back if you fuck me?" He didn't even know what he was saying anymore, just that he wanted to get a reaction, a rise out of him. A saying floated on his mind -- love and hate are sides of the same coin. Maybe he just wanted proof, a single shred of evidence that Ricky wasn't as completely neutral and unshakable as he looked, staring Gyuvin down and looking pissed as hell again, taking a step towards him.
He felt a thrill as Ricky grabbed the collar of his shirt, curling his fingers in the fabric. "There's nothing to be scared of," he enunciated, voice low.
"Then prove it," he breathed brazenly, feeling Ricky's hot breaths ghost over his lips, his eyes flickering down like clockwork as Gyuvin slipped his tongue out over his dry lips. Ricky dragged his eyes slowly back up to his, darkened with anger, seeming annoyed that he had been tricked. They were just one breath, one kiss away.
Ricky let go of his shirt, leaning back shakily. He dropped his hand and breathed a humourless, brittle laugh. He gestured to his body, grabbed his crotch unexpectedly.
"Did you want this so badly? My body?" His eyes gleamed as he didn't take them off Gyuvin's, working his fingers over the growing tent of his crotch.
"If this is all you wanted from me," Ricky said hollowly, letting go of his pelvis and pushing Gyuvin backwards, making him nearly stumble, in the direction of his room. "You could've said so." His voice deepened to a growl as they arrived at Gyuvin's room and Ricky reached his arm behind Gyuvin's back to open the door, bringing their faces breathtakingly close. "I would've given it to you." He shoved Gyuvin back, into his room. He struggled to catch his balance, but when he had regained his equilibrium Ricky had locked the door and shoved him onto his bed again.
Ricky looked down at him, eyes glimmering in the dark. He was breathing hard. "You asked for it," he said quietly, almost questioningly, as if trying to reaffirm Gyuvin's certainty, but he was probably thinking too much. "I won't be able to stop later."
Gyuvin was finding it hard to breathe too, almost panting. He had longed for Ricky to assert his dominion over him for so long now, and now all he wanted was for him to fuck Gyuvin insensate, fuck him unconscious, till every muscle of his body was deliciously limp and numb and every inch of his skin was branded by the invisible tattoos of Ricky's touches.