Work Text:
PRESS COVERAGE
By GreendaleHumanBeing
for the JeffDean Fanzine
TOP FRUITIEST EMAILS LEAKED FROM EVERY SINGLE GREENDALE EMAIL LEAK:
Greendale Gazette Mirror Inquirer
Mildred Pierce, Queer Studies Major, Theoretical Spanish Minor
And now, the number two gayest email from our favorite fixer Frankie Dart to new staff psychologist and former tenured student, Britta Perry.
2.
From: [email protected]
Subj: RE: Medical Cards for Students???
Britta,
I think you’re doing such a wonderful job assisting students with their mental health struggles. I would like to kindly ask you to stop smoking with them during sessions, this would go against the contract we signed with the D.A.R.E. officers that own half of the Language Arts building. However, I can look into the potential for some seminars on the benefits of Medical Marijuana that could assist students with sign-ups. Medical weed is much more regulated. Besides, we’ve been taken to court too much in the past to try prescribing drugs to students again.
Also, could you please pick up some more oat milk on your way home today? I ran out this morning.
Xo
Frankie
Whew, can you FEEL the heat here? This is the most emotion I’ve seen from Administrator Dart in writing. I know because I read ALL of her emails.
It’s going to be hard to follow Frankie’s raw Virgo passion. Greendale’s fruitiest duo, Dean Pelton and Professor Winger, previously thought to be dating until they re-announced their relationship status via awkward press event, have taken the number one prize with this heated exchange below:
1.
From: [email protected]
Subj: My office after class ;)
Hello Jeffrey,
I hope you had a restful night of sleep after our night in ;) Pink Flamingoes is one of my favorites—thanks for watching it with me <3 I noticed you got up to use the restroom during the chicken parts! Did you not enjoy the film? I guess I should have warned you about some content…
So sorry for the hickeys too, I think the concealer I let you borrow should cover them just fine :) No offense to your concealer or anything! Mine just has SPF in it too.
It’s so unfair of you to show up to campus in one of your suits. I’ve told you to warn me in advance so I can prepare myself! But I know you’re just doing it to tease me ;) I can’t wait to get my hands on you again…
I’ll be waiting for you in my office when your mock-trial wraps up for the day. I kept my Justice costume in case I’d ever get the chance to live out this one fantasy of mine…I’ll fill you in when you get here.
<3
Craig
P.S. Could you please stop taking my good leather gloves when you’re doing the O.J. reenactment? Finding them covered in fake blood is NOT good for the libido…
Of note, Professor Winger never replied to this hornt up email, but sources say the Dean’s calendar was mysteriously booked up the rest of that afternoon. When pressed for comment, Dean Pelton’s secretary informed our editor that the Dean and Professor Winger were “putting together school-funded furniture from IKEA for the Swedish Culture Festival” all afternoon and well into the late evening.
Turn to page 3 to find out which IKEA furniture you are based on your personality…
AS THE MOON ENTERS CANCER EXPECT SCORPIOS TO GET WET
Greendale Horoscope and Stock Exchange
Ahmed Corban-Miller, Astrology Major, Economy Minor
Cancers it’s your time to shine. With such a watery season ahead of us, I highly recommend you water-dominants stop investing in deep-sea travel technology. The stars say the ocean is not meant for the human mind to comprehend. However, if you wishy-washy fish, crabs and scorps want to dive deep, I recommend turning inward. Look at your inner circle, look at your lover and ask, “Why do you want to make love to me?”
Scorpios be prepared to experience pleasure as you’ve never felt before. The recent email leak is showing us exactly how flexible other water signs can be for each other—inside and outside of the bedroom. Don’t let the idea of plumbing the depths scare you. On the other side of this daunting task is a release of tension so large it could cause a cataclysmic reaction. Don’t worry, it’s good. Afterwards, you’ll be thoroughly ruined for any other sign.
Aries and Virgo are heating up. In the backseat of cars, the pull-out couches they’re staying on at their friends’ place and, embarrassingly, Words with Friends. Keep your outdated multiplayer gaming apps OUT of the stars and your emails (looking at you, Words with Friends freaks!). The stars are serious business, while your emails are purely for our entertainment. I think Aries should not invest capital without thinking deeply about their decision. This market is brutal, and Virgos know more about this money stuff than hotheads anyway.
If I didn’t mention your sign, it’s because your emails weren’t juicy enough.
Try better next time.
Turn to page 111 for your angel number and lucky stock portfolios…
EMERGENCY PRESS CONFERENCE IS SUGGESTIVE BUT UNSURPRISING
Greendale Gossip and Technology Daily
Grogu Michelle, Journalism Major, Gay Law Minor
Another day at Greendale, another campus-wide email leak. In a failed but adorable effort to get ahead of our brave, dedicated student journalists, Dean Pelton held a press conference for the first time in over a week to address the content of his emails. To no one’s surprise, he had a frowning Professor Winger shoulder-to-top-of-head with him at the podium. The pair of them standing erect at the podium had everyone in the crowd imagining them together somewhere less vertical.
“I’ve gathered you all here today to discuss my, ahem, relationship with Professor Winger.” The Dean began hesitantly into the mic, looking sidelong and up at Winger for support from under his eyelashes. It was a sweet and simpering look. Like the cat that got the cream. Or, if you’ll pardon my blue journalism, the Dean that got the cream.
Leonard, a divisive older student who fought on behalf of the Viet Cong during his second stint in the armed forces, cupped his hands then shouted, “GAY.”
Professor Winger directed the mic up (and up) to himself, “I’m bisexual, actually.” He said this confidently. Dean Pelton smiled dreamily up at him before turning an admonishing look towards Leonard. Next to me, Helga St. Gemme of The Greendale Backpages asked if they’d feel flattered or offended if someone used their email sexts to write a romance novel. Professor Winger slapped his palm to his face while Dean Pelton looked thoughtful and considering.
“Craig we are not selling the rights to our private sext emails.”
“I thought we agreed on Steam-ails. It’s spicier.”
“Stop writing this down!” Professor Winger shouted at the crowd of journalists once he remembered he was in the middle of a press conference. Amateur. The crowd was tittering. Journalists were shouting over each other until one brave hand shot up from the sizzling crowd.
My OWN.
“Professor Winger, haven’t you two been dating since the Softball Fundraiser for Gay Bus Drivers?”
I halted all proceedings with my earth-shattering question. Professor Winger and Dean Pelton exchanged a series of complex facial expressions and eyebrow raises. I could see the other journalists in the room wishing they had asked the question first. All of them seething with jealousy at my professional prowess and journalistic integrity. Dean Pelton frowned, adjusting the mike to reach his mouth well below where Professor Winger had it situated. I feel I should disclose that I am not a size-queen rather, a realist.
In his panicked and reedy voice, Pelton exclaimed, “It’s complicated, okay! God! Do other Deans have to explain their relationships to the entire student body and faculty like this?”
At Dean Pelton’s outburst, firsthand IRL evidence of the bratty bottom we know and love from email-leaks past, Professor Winger wrapped a huge arm around his shoulders. Pelton snuggled into his side.
“That’s all for today.” Winger said with finality. His hand looks ready to crush the mic. More shutters click and hands shoot up.
Dean Pelton caught his breath, snatching the mic and standing on his tiptoes. He shouts, “we’re dating for real now, okay! Deal with it!”
As the two left the podium, recently graduated ex-student, Abed Nadir shouted, “cut!” And chased after the two with a large camera crew.
Turn to page 7 for the insider information about Abed Nadir’s newest documentary…