Archive of Our Own

The club scene had become a second home for Hoseok at some point. Bright, multi-colored strobe lights flashed continuously into his eyes, burned in his eyelids no matter how hard he tried to blink them away. The bass from the music was like white noise as he watched the sea of bodies sway and rut against one another, eyes searching every night.

“Looking for somebody?”

Hoseok broke his gaze from the crowd and looked to see a man watching him. The man looked to be around the same age as Hoseok, his hair dyed platinum blonde. His clothes were sensual and fit the atmosphere, with rips and tears in both his shirt and pants. When he spoke again, his voice was soft but carried over the loud voices and music.

“I’ve seen you hanging around here every night for a while now. You always look like you’re searching for someone, even though you’ve taken a lot of guys home with you.”

“Keeping tabs on me then?” Hoseok asked, not really bothered by the observation. It was true.

The man shook his head, a smirk playing along his lips.

“Not intentionally,” he replied. “People talk and it just spreads, you know?” The man leaned in closer to Hoseok then, his breath warm against his ear. “I was just curious to see if we might have chemistry off the dancefloor tonight.”

Hoseok looked at the man closely. His skin was pale just like his hair, a stark contrast to his dark party clothes. The strobe lights reflected off his lip ring and earrings, and he was a little bit shorter than Hoseok, stopping around his shoulder. But it was his eyes that caught Hoseok’s attention: cat-like and observant but exuding mischief instead of mystery.

Hoseok smiled and took his hand, lacing their fingers.

“I think we just might. Does my new friend have a name?”

The man smiled shyly, a blush running down his face to his neck. How cute. “You can call me Bonhwa.”

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If you would have told Jung Hoseok a year ago that he would be club hopping and taking a stranger to bed every other night, he would’ve laughed with his whole body and soul. He didn’t see himself as a playboy; charming, yes, but not someone who went through others only for carnal pleasure. And yet that was exactly what he was doing right now – what he had been doing for the past year, since the break-up.

“So maybe I’ll see you tonight?”

Bonhwa stood at the door, looking at Hoseok. He wasn’t made up like last night, his neat hair now in disarray and pressed clothes slightly wrinkled. He still looked cute, a satisfied smile on his lips. Another man might’ve jumped at the opportunity for a second chance, but Hoseok wasn’t another man. All the curiosity and chemistry he had felt the night before had vanished, so he honestly wasn’t interested in seeing Bonhwa ever again.

“I don’t think so. I’ll see you around though.”

He didn’t bother watching the change in Bonhwa’s demeanor: from timid optimism to crestfallen irritation. He wasn’t the first man to have his feelings spurred by Hoseok, and he most likely wouldn’t be the last. As the door slammed loudly, Hoseok sighed loudly and put his face in his hands.

He never considered himself a heartless person, but there was no connection with his hook-ups. There never would be a true connection with his hook-ups. The feelings that stirred in his heart in the moment were only temporary.

This was all temporary.

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Yoongi still wasn’t sure how he’d gotten so lucky with dating someone like Hanwool.

Scratch that, Yoongi wasn’t sure how he’d gotten so lucky with dating again at all. He’d thought that he and Hoseok would be together for good, being high school sweethearts and all, but fate had other plans – plans that didn’t involve them being together forever like he thought they’d be. At least they ended on good terms; agreed to split or however you wanted to look at it.

It was difficult at first because Hoseok had been a constant in Yoongi’s life for nearly ten years – ten years of laughter, crying, arguing, talking, family get-togethers, living together, bathroom habits, love-making, anything and everything in-between – and then suddenly he was gone, had moved out because they were no longer dating. No longer together.

Which made perfect sense to Yoongi, mind you, but coming home to a silent, partially filled apartment after a hard day of work was more than jarring the first few days after the breakup. Hell, sometimes Yoongi found himself yelling for Hoseok to get something before remembering he was no longer around – that there was only one person in this spacious apartment now.

If he were being honest, Yoongi contemplated many times getting back together with Hoseok, saying fuck it to the breakup and just continuing with what they had. But then he learned from Seokjin that Hoseok had started going to clubs again with Jimin and Taehyung a month after they separated and that… killed any thoughts of getting back together again.

Because. Hoseok was a social butterfly, turning heads without even trying. His heart was as big and bright as his smile. He could find a new lover with little to no effort. Yoongi wasn’t like that. He didn’t enjoy going to clubs or hanging around big crowds for long periods of time. That was a Hoseok thing, not a Yoongi thing.

So it wasn’t a big surprise to hear that his ex-boyfriend was living his best life in the spotlight once again. Yoongi just wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon. He didn’t even know how to get back into the dating scene. It was always just him and Hoseok, together all the time and everywhere. How was he supposed to start over?

Enter Choi Hanwool, sudden but not unwanted.

Hanwool worked in the same music studio as Yoongi even though he worked in the finance department. They’d been introduced to one another by old lady Eunsook, who was not only the front desk receptionist but the resident busybody and gossiper (although she did all of this with everyone’s best interest at heart).

Somehow, she had put two and two together that Yoongi was now single (“You’ve become so thin, Yoongi-ssi! And so sad too! Aigoo, look at you! Let Aunt Eunsook help!”) and decided to play matchmaker, much to Yoongi’s chagrin. But when he met Hanwool the next morning after doing an all-nighter five days in a row, Yoongi was left speechless (and not just because he was completely exhausted).

Hanwool was handsome, with a bright dimpled smile and sandy brown hair neatly combed back. He was taller than Yoongi, his body broader and muscular as well. And when he greeted Yoongi, his voice was deep and soothing. His smile was also warm and inviting, even though Yoongi was sure he looked like Death warmed over thrice.

That was enough to make the music producer self-conscious, wishing he had at least splashed his face with water or something, but Hanwool didn’t seem to mind; if anything, he was endeared and impressed with Yoongi’s dedication to his craft, so much in fact that he asked him out for a coffee date right then ("At least let me make it up to you for showing up randomly, Yoongi-ssi. Just this once."). Yoongi couldn't really say no.

One date led to another, and then another, and before Yoongi knew it, he and Hanwool were really dating.

It wasn't a BAM-in-your-face type of getting together but more of a slow build-up: simple coffee dates became quiet (and sometimes extravagant) dinners; shy hand-holding turned into long, firm hugs before saying good-bye and good night; gentle pecks on the lips became intense make-outs on the sofa. Bit by bit, Yoongi's partially empty apartment slowly became filled with Hanwool's clothes, paperwork, and trinkets until Hanwool himself had moved in. But Yoongi didn't mind at all, because things had changed in such a good way.

Instead of flopping onto the worn sofa after a long exhausting ass day, Yoongi found himself being waited on hand and foot by Hanwool, who would get home earlier or have days off. Gone were microwavable meals or quick eats from 7-Eleven, all replaced by Hanwool's home cooking (always followed with a glass of soju).

Gone was the loneliness and silence, filled now with talks about work, plans for the weekend, and other topics that sometimes went on until the next morning. The bed didn’t feel as cold and spacious anymore because Yoongi had someone to wake up with again. It was like night and day.

When Hoseok had left, Yoongi was positive that he would be alone forever (or at least for a very long time). He hadn’t expected Hanwool to come into his life so early, to fit so easily. But Hanwool had, and he was perfect. Everything was perfect.

And Yoongi was happy.

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There was one “golden rule” with their breakup: don’t involve family and friends. That meant no one could pick sides or make one (or both) parties feel bad for the breakup or what they did afterwards, nor could they pressure Yoongi or Hoseok into getting back together again (no matter how badly they wanted them to work things out).

There had been some hurdles at the beginning when it came to their families – their mothers giving hopeful gazes when the holidays came around; their fathers awkwardly (but kindly) steering away from conversations that led to their past relationship; their siblings each pulling the “your breakup ruined the family dynamic and so I refuse to talk to you for [insert amount of time]” card (something that Dawon insisted on pulling on Hoseok anytime he pissed her off); both families “coincidentally” meeting at the same park or restaurant on either of their birthdays – but it was to be expected.

Hoseok and Yoongi had been together for so long that the Mins and Jungs practically saw themselves as one big, happy family. They still did, even though their beloved sons were no longer together.

Their friends appeared to follow the "golden rule" without much issue in their own ways. Sometimes that meant enduring Seokjin’s questions about why they really split when third-wheeling on dates with him and Namjoon, who would give an apologetic but piercing gaze from behind.

Other times it meant watching Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook struggle with any conversation if it meant mentioning either Hoseok or Yoongi and said person wasn’t with the group at the time. Overall, everyone seemed to find a happy medium with the new status quo, occasional slip-ups and all.

If Yoongi and Hoseok could move on, so could they. After all, Yoongi was now with Hanwool while Hoseok seemed content with his bachelor party life. They were cordial to one another when they met up, and they even still hung out around each other. They didn’t argue or bring up the past, instead supporting one another’s decisions. They weren’t struggling with the breakup.

Right?

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“Yah, why does my Hobi look so awful today?”

Hoseok couldn’t help but laugh at Seokjin’s blunt assessment as he sat down in their usual booth. He wouldn’t call his look “awful” per say, but he didn’t look his best either, his skin a little pale and his eyes tired (the dark marks underneath not helping much). He honestly wanted to stay home and lay down because he wasn’t feeling the greatest, but it had been several weeks since he last saw Seokjin and he missed their friend-dates at their favorite café.

“Aish, hyung, you flatter me. I’ve just been tired lately. Nothing too serious, I promise.”

“Partying too much then?” Seokjin asked, his gaze appraising. “Jimin did say you started staying later than he and Taehyung. I think you might have even out partied them, and they call themselves the Party Kings!”

“What can I say? I like to party hard.”

“And I like to hardly party.”

Both of them laughed then, their laughs carrying throughout the quaint shop. Hoseok enjoyed moments like this the most; it had been a while since he laughed like this. Meeting someone to sleep with for one night didn’t require much or any type of conversation usually, and Hoseok didn’t let them stay around long enough after to see if they had something in common besides a one-off in the sheets. But that was hook-up culture, wasn’t it?

“But really, Hobi. How are you?” Seokjin asked once they had settled down and placed their orders. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Nothing leaves this table unless you want it to. I swear to not even tell Namjoonie.”

“Hyung, I could never ask you to keep secrets from Namjoon,” Hoseok said. “Besides, I’m fine. I think I’m just a little tired from going out so much. I thought about staying home and taking a nap honestly, but I hadn’t seen you in a while.”

“Why don’t you just stay home tonight? It’s not like the club is going anywhere.”

“I don’t know. I just feel… weird, being home by myself.”

“Weird?” Seokjin repeated, brows furrowed. Hoseok nodded, thanking the waitress as she placed their pastries and coffees on the table. “Weird how?”

“I don’t know how to really explain it, hyung. It’s just… really quiet? I guess I was so used to living with Yoongi that it’s just weird being alone now. Like, coming home and having no one to talk to about my day or relax with… that kind of weird.”

“Hobi… You miss Yoongi, don’t you?”

“Miss him? Hyung, we still see each other and hang out.”

“Yes, but it’s not the same as when you were both together, right? Hoseok, you dated each other for ten years and lived together for at least seven of them. I’m sure suddenly living alone and being single is a lot to adjust to.”

“It’s almost been a year and a half, hyung.”

“So?”

“I should be used to it by now. I mean, look at Yoongi-hyung. He’s moved on.”

“Okay, but that’s because he met Hanwool. Before that, he struggled being alone too.”

“Really?” Hoseok asked, trying not to sound too interested. This was news to him.

Seokjin nodded as he cut into a croissant. “He would call me and Namjoon every night because he needed someone to talk to. Said the same things you just did, about the quiet and loneliness. I think he just adjusted better because of Hanwool, but Hoseok,” he added, suddenly serious, “you need consistency. You’re never going to be comfortable being alone if you keep going out and sleeping with someone every night. It’s not good for you nor is it safe.”

“But, hyung, I use protection!” Hoseok couldn’t help but pout, feeling like a scolded child. “And it’s not every night. Just, you know, every other night. Besides, am I not allowed to have fun? To live my best life, now that I’m single?”

“Is this really your best life? Giving yourself away to strangers night after night, when you deserve so much better than that?” Seokjin asked, looking sad. Hoseok felt like sinking into his booth from his gaze and words. “I’m not judging you, Hobi. I just worry. I don’t want to see you get hurt from all of this. None of us do.”

“Don’t worry about me, hyung,” Hoseok said. “I really am fine. Would it ease your worries if I started dating again? Showed my new special someone to you and the gang? I can do that.”

“Only if you want to, Hobi.” Seokjin placed his hand over Hoseok’s, his palm warm and comforting against the cool tabletop. “We all just want you to be happy. Yoongi too.”

Yoongi too, huh?

Hoseok looked into his coffee. It was black and smelled strongly of cinnamon and vanilla – like when he and Yoongi lived together. He closed his eyes tightly, feeling a headache coming on. He didn’t want to think about his time with Yoongi, didn’t want to remember any of it. He wanted to go home – to their home – but he couldn’t. They weren’t together anymore. Yoongi had moved on.

“Me too, hyung, me too.”

Hoseok could move on too. He had to.

↺

If there was one thing Yoongi loved most in the world, it was music.

Whether he was listening to it or making it, music would always be an integral part of Yoongi’s life. It was his first love, after all. His family knew this, his friends knew this, and now Hanwool knew this. While Yoongi looked forward to going home and spending time with his boyfriend, he also couldn’t help but spend many nights holed up in his studio making beats or writing lyrics.

The company they worked for had started off small, barely scraping by, but now they were the most sought-after (something Yoongi took immense pride in). Sure, it was lonely sometimes, working from one morning to the next in succession, but Yoongi was in his element. Plus, Namjoon stayed with him most nights.

“I think if we move this sample to the intro, it’ll grasp listeners immediately instead of building up to the chorus.” Namjoon pointed at the portion he was talking about. “I know it’s a bit string-heavy, but I think Hyori can work with it. Her vocals would be a good fit.”

“Then maybe we can add some synth-instrumentals for the chorus instead,” Yoongi said, moving several pieces around. “It’ll be a different approach for her, but Hyori seems to like a challenge now and again. I hope she’s written her lyrics out so we can discuss everything better.”

There was a moment of silence then, filled by intermittent mouse clicks and the occasional hum from either Namjoon or Yoongi. They had been working on this current project for several weeks now, and while Hyori was kind and easy to work with, having to continuously go back and change every single part of the beat was becoming an annoyance.

For one, Yoongi and Namjoon hadn’t technically completed the song yet, and the second thing was that no lyrics had been written either. Neither had an issue working blindly – stuff like that happened in the industry – but that was one of the major reasons they were pulling all-nighters recently.

“So, how’s it going with Hanwool?” Namjoon asked.

Yoongi shrugged, still working through the song. “It’s going well. He’s been very understanding.”

“Really? I’m glad to hear that. I was worried that your work life would cause issues with your relationship, but I forgot he works in the same building as us. Finances, right? Sounds like fun.”

“I hate numbers so I think it’s boring,” Yoongi chuckled, “but Hanwool talks about it with the same amount of enthusiasm I do with music so maybe it’s fun? I was worried too though, about me working so late,” he added. “I thought for sure it would cause a rift between me and Hanwool, but he’s been really supportive. He makes sure all the house chores are done and that dinner is left in the fridge. Sometimes he even waits up for me, especially if we’re both off.”

“Sounds like a stand-up guy,” Namjoon said, smiling. “I’m really happy for you, hyung. You deserve nothing but love, and I’m glad that Hanwool’s been providing that and more. You seem happier.”

“Do I?” Yoongi asked, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. He couldn’t stop the blush filling his cheeks. “I mean… I feel a bit lighter and way less lonely. Hanwool has been… amazing. Incredible even. I never expected to meet someone like him on the first try after… yeah. Old lady Eunsook really came through for me.”

“She did, but I still think she’s very nosy,” Namjoon said, shaking his head. Yoongi laughed.

“She is, but it worked out in the end right?”

“Seems like it.”

Silence fell between them again, Yoongi continuing to work through their song. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the clock read 3:30 AM and sighed. He wondered if Hanwool was asleep right now, curled up on his side of the bed. Or maybe he was waiting up for him tonight, reading through some paperwork or one of his favorite novels? How many more late nights would Hanwool endure before he got tired and left?

Yoongi shook his head minutely at the thought. Hanwool didn’t seem the type to just leave for that reason, but then again, he had never dated someone that worked like Yoongi did. Hoseok had though, and he never complained either. He always waited up for Yoongi or even walked home with him and Namjoon on really late nights. Hoseok understood Yoongi’s work and passion, always inspiring him and pushing him to achieve his dreams. Hoseok…

“Have you… have you heard from Hoseok lately?” Yoongi asked suddenly. He didn’t look at Namjoon, but his hand had stopped moving, resting loosely on the mouse. He could feel Namjoon staring at him intently, and for a moment, Yoongi felt like he shouldn’t have asked.

“Yeah, Seokjin saw him a couple of days ago. Said he looked awful, but you know how dramatic Seokjin can be when describing people, particularly any of us.”

“Awful?” Yoongi repeated, anxiety balling in his gut. He hadn’t seen or heard from Hoseok in weeks, but he thought it was because he had been busy with dance classes again – not because he wasn’t feeling well. As if he’d read Yoongi’s mind, Namjoon placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and gave a small smile.

“Don’t worry too much, hyung. Hobi said he’s just been tired lately. Hopefully, he’s been resting, but Seokjin said he’ll be checking on him soon. If not him, I’m sure the kiddos will probably swing by too. Worst case scenario, I’ll check on him myself. Just leave Hoseok to us.”

You don’t need to worry about him like that anymore.

Even though Namjoon hadn’t said those exact words, that was the message Yoongi was getting from all this, and honestly, he knew that Namjoon was right. He and Hoseok were no longer together, hadn’t been for over a year now, so there was no reason for him to hurry and check on him, right? It would be weird if he were to up and visit Hoseok right now to make sure he was still alive (which he was not contemplating doing).

Plus, he had Hanwool now. Just because Hoseok and Hanwool were cordial with one another didn’t mean that they were truly okay with the current situation: Hoseok and Yoongi had ten years of history together while Hanwool and Yoongi barely had a year. Hoseok was the ex-boyfriend; Hanwool was the current boyfriend.

Even if Hanwool wasn’t the jealous type, it would be disrespectful to secretly see Hoseok, right? Cause Yoongi definitely wasn’t going to tell Hanwool he had visited him (if he visited him). It just didn’t seem right to do it now, but… it didn’t seem right to not visit Hoseok either. Because.

Hoseok was his first boyfriend. His best friend.

You don’t need to worry about him like that anymore.

Yoongi nodded then, trying to ignore the lump in his throat.

“Okay. Tell Hob – Hoseok… that hyung asked about him.”

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No matter how often he partied, Hoseok made it a point to make sure that his hook-ups and loved ones never met. It wasn’t out of shame or anything. There just wasn’t a reason to introduce someone that was only staying for the night. That, and Hoseok wasn’t looking for commitment right now; he just wanted to have fun and live a little. So he was more than surprised when he heard frantic knocking at his door one early morning.

His current bedmate – Minjun – groaned, burrowing further into the sheets.

“Who the hell is knocking at your door so early?”

“Dunno, but that’s your cue to leave,” Hoseok replied as he got up. He dug around for some sweats and got dressed, ignoring the strewn pieces of clothing from last night. “Make sure to get all your stuff because whatever’s left is getting thrown away.”

“Ah, so cold. Nothing like the man I met last night,” Minjun groused, getting up and fetching his clothes as Hoseok hurried out of the bedroom. The frantic knocking continued, so Hoseok thought it might be a neighbor alerting him of an emergency within the apartment complex until he opened the door. He blinked.

“Jimin? What are you doing here so early?”

“I’m here to check on you!” Jimin said, hugging Hoseok as he stepped into the apartment. “Well actually, we’re here to check on you. Taehyung’s getting some stuff out of the car,” he added. “Jin-hyung said you hadn’t been feeling well recently so since we were in the neighborhood, we decided to drop by.”

Hoseok grimaced as he heard Minjun’s muffled movements in the background, talking loud enough so that Jimin wouldn’t. “Ah, not that I’m not happy to see you guys or anything, but right now isn’t the best time. I just came back from a night out not too long ago and –”

“Hey, have you seen my wallet?”

Hoseok cursed inwardly as he heard Minjun make his way down the hall, his voice carrying throughout the apartment. He chanced a glance and was happy to see that the other man was decent at least. It was bad enough that Jimin and Taehyung were going to see one of his flings; seeing them nude would’ve been way worse.

“I thought it was in one of my pockets, but I didn’t feel it in there,” Minjun continued as he stepped into the kitchen, stopping when he saw Jimin. “Ah, why didn’t you tell me you had someone else coming over? I would’ve left sooner. Save you the embarrassment of having to explain yourself.”

“It’s not even like that,” Hoseok said, turning to look at him. Minjun was staring at him and Jimin with mild interest, as if trying to read their relationship. “Look, you left your wallet on the table. Please get it and go already.”

Minjun huffed then, snatching up his wallet and heading to the door. There was a moment of awkward silence as he shoved his shoes on, and Hoseok and Jimin moved further into the apartment to give him more room. As he walked out of the apartment, Minjun stopped and looked back at Jimin, his eyes narrowed.

“You be careful with this one,” he warned as he motioned his head towards Hoseok. “He’s a real heartbreaker.” And then he was gone, slamming the door behind him. Hoseok rolled his eyes and turned to Jimin.

“I’m sorry that you had to see that, Jiminie,” he said, pausing when he saw Jimin’s face. He looked like he’d seen a ghost, or at least something shocking. “Jiminie? What’s wrong?” The apartment door opened before Jimin could reply, Taehyung barging in with two bags of groceries in hand.

Hoseok was surprised to see him wearing a similar expression.

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“When was the last time we got to relax and cuddle like this?” Hanwool asked, pulling Yoongi closer to his side. Yoongi hummed as Hanwool kissed his cheek, settling in his embrace. They had just finished dinner – jajangmyeon with a side of kimchi and a glass of soju – and were now lounging on the sofa, feeding each other slices of tangerines. The television was on, its volume high enough to be heard but low enough not to disturb the peacefulness.

“I think it’s been about two months,” Yoongi said. “Maybe even three.”

That sounded about right. Even though Yoongi had pulled all-nighters back then, he’d made sure to at least have a few days off to maintain a work-life balance. But with Hyori’s big debut coming up and the studio trying to form two new idol groups, trying to maintain the balance right now seemed impossible. Hanwool groaned playfully, gently tugging at the hair on Yoongi’s nape.

“That’s much too long to be away from my lovely boyfriend.”

“I know and I’m sorry,” Yoongi said earnestly, looking down at his half-peeled tangerine. He knew Hanwool was teasing, but he couldn’t ignore the guilt twisting in his gut. “Just because I have many projects to work on, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work harder to spend more time with you. It’s not fair to you, Hanwool, and I promise to do better.”

And he meant that, trying to crunch in as much time during the day so that he could at least spend some evenings at home. Hanwool had already spent too many nights sleeping alone, but even when (or if) Yoongi came home at a reasonable time, he was too exhausted to do anything else, passing out on the sofa the minute he walked through the door. Hanwool was just as busy in his department, but he always made time to get things done for Yoongi. Made time to do things with Yoongi. He deserved better than this.

“Hey now, I know what I signed up for,” Hanwool replied, wrapping his arm tighter around Yoongi. “You’ve always been dedicated to your craft. It’s one of the many reasons I fell for you. I would never ask you to change that about yourself. We’re adults. We’ll figure it out.”

“Aish, how did I get so lucky to have someone like you?”

“Old lady Eunsook,” Hanwool said and they both cracked up at that, folding onto each other. The answer was just as truthful as it was a running gag to their relationship at this point, but Yoongi knew that he owed Eunsook big for this. Had she not introduced Hanwool to Yoongi, there wouldn’t be moments like this: them laughing and cuddling on the couch, their fingers sticky from the juices of several tangerines. Yoongi fed Hanwool the last piece, chuckling when Hanwool sucked his finger into his mouth.

“You said you were off for the next few days right?” Hanwool asked. Yoongi nodded. “I think we should work on some things around here then. Things that I don’t think can wait.”

“Oh?” Yoongi asked, curious. “Things like what?”

“Well,” Hanwool began, running his hand lazily up and down Yoongi’s waist. He kissed him on the cheek again. “I think we need to get… reacquainted after not really seeing each other for months.”

“Oh yeah?” Yoongi shivered as Hanwool slid his hand under his shirt, his palm hot against his skin. He couldn't hide his smile, moaning softly when Hanwool started peppering kisses along his neck. "How do you – ah – wanna do that?"

↺

Sex with Hanwool was great. He was a passionate lover that never left Yoongi wanting, his touches tender and knowing.

“Am I hurting you? Should I stop?”

“A-ah, no…”

Yoongi opened his eyes. The room was dark, save for the lights coming from outside. Yoongi blinked rapidly until his vision adjusted and saw Hanwool staring at him. He looked worried, his brows furrowed. He had stopped thrusting, his cock still inside. It was hot and pulsing, and Yoongi couldn’t help but clench around it. The sensation was grounding and brought him back to reality – he was here in bed right now, with Hanwool. He was having sex with Hanwool.

Yet when he closed his eyes, he saw –

Yoongi shook his head, digging his nails into Hanwool’s back. Even with the tell-tale signs of tears starting to form, he didn’t close his eyes – he couldn’t. If he closed them, he wouldn’t be in this room, wouldn’t be in Hanwool’s arms anymore. A sob escaped Yoongi’s mouth, his body shaking from the force of it. He wanted to hide now, to disappear because he was ruining the moment.

“Yoongi?” Alarmed, Hanwool gently pulled out and enveloped Yoongi in his arms. He pressed comforting kisses along his face, his thumbs gently wiping away stray tears. The warmth and reverence Hanwool showed only broke Yoongi more because he didn’t deserve comfort, not when he was the problem.

It was like this: Hoseok was Yoongi’s first everything and had been, for a time, his only everything. So it was understandable to Yoongi that he had thought about Hoseok the first few times he and Hanwool had been intimate together. But then a year had passed, and Yoongi still found himself imagining that it was Hoseok making love to him instead of Hanwool.

“I’m fine. I’m fine,” Yoongi repeated, more to himself than anything. He took deep, shuddering breaths until his body went lax against the sheets. He closed his eyes and covered them with his hands, pressing his palms into his sockets. “It was just… intense.”

Hanwool hummed his assent as he reached for the covers they had kicked to the end of the mattress. The heat of the moment had since died out, replaced by the coolness of the room. He covered Yoongi up and laid next to him, rubbing his side gently. Yoongi was grateful to feel the warmth of his hand through the sheets. Embarrassment burned through him as he dropped his hands from his face.

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for.” Hanwool grabbed Yoongi’s hand and kissed the top of it. “We haven’t had sex in a while. I should’ve started slower, so I apologize for that. Hey now, no tears,” he added when he saw Yoongi’s eyes. “We have plenty of time to get reacquainted, remember? Besides, I’m happy just lying here with you too. I’m happy no matter what we’re doing as long as we're together, Yoongi.”

“Hanwool…”

Yoongi closed his eyes as Hanwool kissed his hand again. He willed his mind to not think about lean, sun-kissed limbs entangled with his own; to not think about bubbly laughter and the heart-shaped mouth it came from; to not think about soft brown hair that he used to run his fingers through, that he pulled on; to not think about the person he’d been with for years up until now.

He willed himself to not think about Hoseok.

↺

Whenever Hoseok and the others met as a group, they usually hung out at Jin and Namjoon’s place. There wasn't a particular reason for it; everyone just agreed that was the hangout spot for their group gatherings. So it was a surprise to see a message from Yoongi in their group chat one morning inviting everyone over to his and Hanwool's place.

“Hyung, you came!”

“Of course I did,” Hoseok said as Jungkook barreled into him, hugging him tightly. “You know I’d never miss out on seeing my sweet Jungkookie!”

“Yah, you spoil him too much,” Seokjin said from his spot on the sofa. Hoseok could see that he was in the middle of a board with Jimin and Taehyung, who were both looking at their cards to decide the next move. “We haven’t been able to finish one round of this game because he keeps jumping up to hug anyone that comes through the door!”

“Jin-hyung is just mad because he’s losing,” Jungkook whispered loudly. “I’ve been trying to help him, but he keeps getting a losing hand. I guess the Seokjin luck has run out.”

“I’m not losing, you brat. I’m letting you win!”

“Is that what you’re calling it?”

The room erupted in laughter as Jungkook released Hoseok and made his way back over to where Jin and the others were sitting to continue the game. Hoseok made his way over to the kitchen, placing the bag of pastries he brought from the cafè onto the countertop. He looked around and was surprised to see that everything was pretty much the same since the last time he’d visited – when he was getting the last of his stuff to move out. That’d been a year and a half ago.

“If you’re looking for Yoongi, he’s out on the balcony with Namjoon-ssi.”

Hoseok turned to see Hanwool enter the kitchen, carrying several plates. He placed them gently in the sink and turned on the water, reaching for a rag and some dish soap. Unsure of what to do, Hoseok watched quietly as Hanwool washed the dishes. The quiet was more inviting than awkward.

If he were being honest, Hoseok liked Hanwool. He was friendly and welcoming, never imposing on their group dynamic or gatherings unless he was invited (which of course he was). He was also attractive and straight-laced, but most importantly, he made Yoongi happy. That was all that really mattered to Hoseok here – Yoongi’s happiness.

Even if he was no longer the cause of it.

“How have you been, Hoseok-ssi?” Hanwool asked as he rinsed suds off one of the plates and placed it in the dish rack. “I heard from Yoongi that you’d been feeling unwell a few weeks ago.”

“Ah yeah, I was just a little tired from so many late nights, but I’m feeling much better.”

Hoseok rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly self-conscious. He didn’t think that Yoongi would talk to Hanwool about him so candidly (not that he thought he wouldn’t talk about him or anything either but still). Hoseok wondered briefly for a moment if Hanwool was aware that he had been going to clubs often since he and Yoongi broke up. And then he wondered why that mattered now. Hanwool didn’t seem like the type to judge him for his life choices, and even if he did, it didn’t matter.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Hanwool said as he placed the last plate in the rack. He grabbed the dish towel and dried his hands before turning to look at Hoseok. “Are you still teaching dance classes?”

“Here and there. I've been teaching more adults than children, but I think once summer starts it’ll be the other way around. How’s your job going?”

“Not too bad. With the studio growing and some of our idols getting more recognition, I think our company will really be taking off soon.” Hanwool smiled with pride, folding his arms. “I’m really proud of Yoongi and Namjoon-ssi. They’ve worked so hard to get to this moment.”

“Yeah,” Hoseok agreed. “They always said they wanted to get big in music. All those late nights and early mornings were going to add up eventually. I know they’ll go very far no matter what happens." He gave a slight bow to Hanwool. "Thank you, Hanwool-ssi.”

Hanwool blinked, surprised. “What for?”

“For supporting Yoongi-hyung. I know you've spent many nights alone because of his work and knowing hyung, he probably felt awful about it." Because he used to feel just as awful about it when he was with Hoseok too. Always apologizing for the all-nighters whenever they'd walk home together, afraid that this would be the cause of a breakup (and funnily enough, it wasn't). "You could’ve left, but you didn't. So thank you."

“Yah, Hoseok-ssi, you don’t have to thank me for that!” They both laughed as Hanwool rubbed his neck in embarrassment. “Yoongi is so hardworking – you all are. Anyone that would bail on someone striving to live their dreams doesn’t deserve that person. I only want Yoongi to be happy.”

“He is,” Hoseok said, thinking he really is. “You make him happy, Hanwool-ssi.”

Both of them fell silent after that. Hoseok glanced around the kitchen again, not sure what else to say. He thought it would be awkward, standing here with Hanwool alone given the circumstances. After all, he had lived in this same apartment with Yoongi for way longer, had known him personally and intimately for way longer, but he was surprised to feel comfortable and even welcomed in Hanwool’s presence. Maybe Hanwool was just that kind of person. Or maybe it was something else entirely.

“Hoseok-ssi.” Hanwool was staring at him imploringly now. “Please make sure to take care of yourself from now on. You’re very important to Yoongi.”

Hoseok laughed a little. “We’re all very important to Yoongi, Hanwool-ssi.”

“Yes, but it’s different with you, Hoseok-ssi. You’re special.”

Before Hoseok could say anything else – ask Hanwool what he meant by that statement – the other man had gotten his keys off the counter. “I’m going to run some errands. I’ll be back later.” Then he left the apartment, closing the door behind him. Hoseok decided to head back to Jin and the others.

They appeared to be finished with their game, the board and pieces no longer on the table. Jin was huddled against Namjoon, both of them talking amongst themselves, while Jimin was showing Taehuyng and Jungkook something on his phone. They all looked up when Hoseok walked in, and he knew from the look that they were giving him that they were about to have a group meeting. He also had a feeling he knew what they wanted to talk about.

“Where’s Yoongi-hyung?”

“He’s still outside,” Namjoon said. He shared a look with Jin and then glanced at Jimin and the others. There was an air of hesitancy around them before Namjoon sighed and closed his eyes. “Hoseok. Jimin and Taehyung told us what happened when they visited you.”

“We’re sorry, Hobi-hyung,” Jimin said, looking apologetic. “We should’ve told you we were coming over first, but we hadn’t seen you in a while, and when Jin-hyung said you weren’t feeling well –”

Hoseok shook his head. “You don’t need to apologize, Jiminie. I’m sorry that you had to see that. I usually don’t keep company overnight like that so –”

“Wait wait wait. Hyung, why are you apologizing?” Taehyung looked confused. Hoseok blinked.

“For seeing one of my flings? Isn’t that what this meeting is about?” When everyone shared another look, Hoseok blinked again. He was so sure that they had wanted to talk about his playboy lifestyle, but based on their expressions, that didn’t seem to be the case. At least, that wasn’t the biggest thing they wanted to talk about.

“Hyung, this isn’t about you having multiple partners. It’s the fact that your partners… They look like Yoongi-hyung.” Jimin said all this slowly as if he couldn’t believe that Hoseok hadn’t noticed. When Hoseok didn’t react – because how was he supposed to with this sudden information? – Jimin shook his head in disbelief, looking guilty. “Did you really not notice?”

“Well, not really…”

And he hadn’t. He just chose partners that appealed to him – partners that had cat eyes, pale skin, pouty lips and were a bit shorter than him. Yeah, thinking about it now, most of them did resemble Yoongi a little bit but. It wasn’t intentional – maybe a bit coincidental or even ironic. But it didn’t mean anything, right? There was nothing wrong with sleeping with people who just happened to look like your ex-boyfriend, right?

“I don’t think it’s a big deal,” Jungkook said. He was looking at Hoseok in a way that should’ve been comforting, yet Hoseok felt anything but comforted. A little stupid, maybe. Definitely irritated and embarrassed, but not comforted. “Hobi-hyung’s allowed to have preferences.”

“He’s literally sleeping with Yoongi look-alikes,” Jin said, frowning. Namjoon choked on his spit while everyone else stared in shock. Hoseok was speechless. Jin looked at everyone. “Am I wrong? We’re all thinking the same thing! Preferences or not, this isn’t healthy for Hoseok at all!”

“Jin-hyung, you didn’t have to say it like that –”

“Hobi-hyung’s allowed to have preferences –”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this here? Yoongi-hyung is right outside –”

“If not now, then when? Are we all just going to let Hoseok keep doing this –”

“I need some air!”

Hoseok hurried to the balcony before anything else could be said. Namjoon called out to him but he stepped outside, slamming the door behind him. He felt like he was going to throw up or explode if he stayed in the room any longer. Felt that he was being analyzed too suddenly and judged too harshly. Felt like he could never hide or run away. The cold winter air was welcoming on his hot skin, biting but soothing at the same time.

“Did something happen?”

Yoongi stared at him with wide eyes. He was leaning against the railing, his phone held loosely in his hands. In his hurry to escape Jin and the others, Hoseok had completely forgotten that Yoongi was outside too. Hoseok wondered if he had heard any of their discussion. He shook his head and came over to the railing, leaning over it too. They stood beside each other, watching people walk back and forth along the streets. It almost felt like old times.

“Hanwool-ssi told me that the company is taking off,” Hoseok said. He didn’t look over at Yoongi, choosing to focus on one of the buildings in the distance. Yoongi hummed next to him, looking in the same direction. Hoseok wondered if he was looking at the same building too.

“Yeah. Hyori-ssi’s debut date is getting closer, hence the phone calls.” Yoongi held up his cell phone. “She’s just nervous and needs moral support, but I know she’s gonna do well. She’s worked so hard to get to this. We all have.”

“All those late nights and long hours really paid off. Just like I said they would.” Hoseok looked at Yoongi then, smiling softly when they made eye contact. “I really am proud of you and Namjoon, hyung.” Yoongi blushed, averting his eyes.

“Yah, it’s because you all supported us so much no matter what, you know?” Yoongi knew this to be a fact. He and Namjoon always talked about how the only reason they were able to push through so many all-nighters and crazy deadlines was because of the understanding and support Jin and the others gave them throughout the whole process. “Without that, Namjoon and I’d probably still be working through pipe dreams or something.”

“That’s not true! Besides, we all know what we signed up for.”

Yoongi chuckled, shaking his head.

“You sound just like Hanwool. He said something similar,” he added when Hoseok gave him a confused look. “About knowing what he signed up for when I apologized for working so many long nights. I’m grateful that he’s been so understanding and supportive.”

Hoseok nodded. “Hanwool-ssi seems to be a good fit for you.” The words came out easily enough because they were true. Since he’d started dating Yoongi, Hanwool had been nothing but doting and loving. Even Hoseok couldn’t find fault in him. “You definitely seem happier, hyung.”

“Geez, have you been talking to Namjoon too?” Yoongi tucked some of his hair behind his ear, trying not to blush. “I mean… yeah, I guess I’ve been really happy lately. Meeting Hanwool has been a big blessing. I was afraid after we… after what happened, that I’d struggle with finding someone else, you know? Someone that’d understand me and accept my work habits like you did – like you do. I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone like Hanwool so soon.”

Yoongi smiled wanly, eyes showing a mixture of emotions. The confession was bittersweet, the words feeling heavy on his tongue even though they’d left his mouth. Even though Hanwool was so good to him, so good for him…

Hoseok pulled him close, rubbing his back gently. They stayed like that for a while, both in their own little world. It felt surreal, being where they were right now – together, but not together. When they had agreed to break up, a small (maybe not so small) part of Hoseok believed that it was necessary. Painful, but necessary.

And yet, he also thought it was temporary.

“Yoongi-hyung… I think – I think we should take a break from each other,” Hoseok said suddenly. He had stopped rubbing Yoongi’s back, his hand resting in the center. He gripped at Yoongi’s sweater, trying to anchor himself. His words sounded jumbled and foreign even to his own ears.

“What?” Yoongi stared at him, his eyes wide. It would’ve been comical if it were any other situation, but Hoseok felt his heart breaking at the sight instead. “Why?”

“Because you’re happy with Hanwool-ssi, and eventually I – I’ll find someone else too. It would make sense that we’d stop being so close over time yeah? So let’s just start now.”

“Don’t say that, Hob-ah. Seriously.”

“But I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Even if you are, I would always make room for you in my life. You’re special to me, Hoseok.”

“I can’t be that special anymore, Yoongi. Not when you have Hanwool-ssi.”

“Why do you keep bringing up Hanwool in all this? We’ve been friends for over ten years!”

“And we dated for most of it! Don’t you think it’s unfair to Hanwool-ssi to be in the middle of what we used to have?” Don’t you think it’s unfair to you and me, he wanted to ask but his throat was too tight to get the words out.

“So what? You just want to – to throw away years of friendship? Years of us being together? We barely even see each other now, Hob-ah!”

“No, hyung. We just – we can’t keep dancing around each other like this. I can’t keep dancing around us like this. You’re in a relationship – have been for a little over a year now. You can’t love me like that anymore.”

“Hob-ah, please. Please.” Yoongi shook his head. “I could be with Hanwool for the rest of my life, and you… you could find someone new too, but that doesn’t matter. None of that matters! Hyung will always lo –”

“Yoongi.”

Hoseok and Yoongi pulled away from each other, their eyes wide as they looked behind them. Hanwool was standing at the doorway of the balcony, looking at them. There was a strange expression on his face and for a second Hoseok worried that he might’ve overheard their conversation until he smiled.

“I was wondering if you were still out here,” he said as he stepped out onto the balcony with them. Hoseok could see Jin and the others laughing and talking, playing another board game. “I don’t want either of you to stay out too long though. It’s quite chilly out. Wouldn’t be ideal to get a cold so soon, right?”

“R-right.”

Hoseok watched as Yoongi’s shoulders slumped, all the tension leaving his body. As the older man made to step away from him, Hoseok grabbed Yoongi's arm. When Yoongi looked back at him with fearful and curious eyes, Hoseok held his face gently. If he didn't do this now, he knew he'd never be able to.

“Yoongi.”

Hoseok rubbed his thumbs soothingly under Yoongi’s eyes. He smiled sadly when the older man closed them. Yoongi grabbed Hoseok’s wrists gently, not stopping the motions. Hoseok felt moisture under his thumbs, ignoring the prickling sensation in his own eyes. He pressed a soft kiss to Yoongi’s forehead. If his lips were trembling, neither of them said anything.

“Hob-ah.” Yoongi’s plea came out soft and small. His grip on Hoseok’s wrists tightened, knuckles white. Small tremors went throughout his body, his breath coming out fast. His eyes remained closed. “Hob-ah.”

Hoseok shushed him gently and removed his hands from his face. He slid them into Yoongi’s, lacing their fingers together. Hoseok knew that the scene was intimate, especially with Hanwool standing there, but he didn’t care. Yoongi was his everything – had been his everything for so long.

And now, he was letting him go.

Hoseok squeezed Yoongi’s hands tightly, their fingers brushing against each other as he slowly pulled away. Yoongi didn’t stop the sobs that wracked his body, his face contorted in agony. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly as if to shield himself from the separation. He still refused to open his eyes. Hoseok stared at him for a while longer before turning away. He walked over to Hanwool and bowed to him.

“Please take care of my hyung, Hanwool-ssi.”

Hoseok ignored the break in his voice, stepping back into the apartment and closing the door before Hanwool could reply. It was quiet now, Jin and the others staring at him.

“Hoseok –” Jin started, but Hoseok shook his head. There would be time to talk about what had transpired, but right now wasn’t the time. Right now, Hoseok just wanted to be anywhere but here. With a bow to everyone, he quickly gathered his things and left.

The trip back home was a blur, but before he knew it, Hoseok had stepped into his apartment. He closed the door gently and leaned against it. For a moment, he just stared ahead at nothing. Then the weight of what had happened suddenly crashed onto him, and he couldn’t stop his tears from falling.

↺

The club down the street from his apartment was different from the usual clubs Hoseok had gone to. The music was softer and the lights dimmer, and even though people were dancing amongst each other, there wasn’t a lot of rutting and grinding.

It was a tame, almost romantic setting, but Hoseok felt anything but romantic as he sipped idly on his whiskey. He stood away from the crowd, sitting in a quiet corner. Even with all the noise around him, he was stuck in his own world.

It’d been a few weeks since the talk on the balcony – since he had actually talked to Yoongi. He eventually explained to Jin and the others what happened: how he suggested a break and Yoongi’s reaction to it.

Jin and Jimin took every moment of their day to check on him while Jungkook and Taehyung sent funny pictures and memes. Namjoon just assured him that if he needed a shoulder to cry on, he would always be there.

Though there was a group feeling of unhappiness, Hoseok was grateful that everyone was understanding of his decision.

“You look like you could use a friend.”

Hoseok looked up from his drink and almost choked. The man standing in front of him looked just like Yoongi, except he wasn’t Yoongi. He couldn’t be. Yoongi didn’t have a reason to go clubbing – didn’t have a reason to see Hoseok – and yet, this person could’ve passed as Yoongi’s twin.

The man raised an eyebrow. “Is there something on my face?”

“No, I’m sorry for staring.” Hoseok shook his head. Maybe it was a mixture of alcohol and sentimentality that was making him see Yoongi everywhere all over again. He placed his glass down on the table and stood up, extending his hand towards the other man. “I’m Hoseok.”

“Seulgi,” the stranger said, taking Hoseok’s hand and shaking it, “and before you say it, I know it’s more of a girl’s name. You can guess what my parents wanted.” They both laughed. “So, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around here before. Are you new here?”

“To this club, yes, but I’ve been to others.”

“You sound like you have a lot of experience in clubbing.”

“Not really. I haven’t been out in a while.” And it was true. Since stepping away from Yoongi, Hoseok wasn’t interested in going out and seeing other people. Instead, he threw himself into teaching more dance classes whenever he wasn’t being pulled around town by Jin or Jimin. It gave him time to clear his mind and adjust to the change.

"I see.”

Seulgi sat down next to Hoseok and took a sip of his whiskey. The action didn’t throw Hoseok off as much as he thought it would. Most of the time his potential bed partners just introduced themselves and led him out the club, so this was new (and, if Hoseok were being honest, he kind of liked it).

Seulgi placed the drink back on the table and leaned closer to Hoseok, eying him closely. It was a strangely scrutinizing stare for where they were and Hoseok felt himself move in his chair self-consciously. Seulgi smiled. It was gentle and inviting.

“Why don’t you keep me company tonight? I could honestly use a friend too.”

↺

Seulgi was a breath of fresh air compared to Hoseok’s past flings.

Where everyone else wanted to leave the club once they learned Hoseok’s name, Seulgi grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the dancefloor (“Listen, I’ve been wanting to actually dance all night and you look like you’re the only one here who can fucking do that!”). And they did dance, laughing and letting their bodies do the talking until their limbs were thrumming from adrenaline.

When Hoseok thought that they would grab a taxi and take a ten-minute ride to his place, Seulgi surprised him by saying he wanted to walk (“I’ll be too keyed up in a closed-in space. Besides, we can eat at the 7-Eleven or something!”). So they walked to Hoseok’s apartment, hand-in-hand, and shared a fruit sandwich, while enjoying the quiet streets.

Even their chemistry in bed was better. Where the others had moaned too loud and exaggerated their pleasure, Seulgi let Hoseok know what felt good to him and what didn’t. He was more affectionate and intimate, kissing and holding Hoseok close whenever he got the chance.

They also laughed a lot, something Hoseok had never done with his past lovers. It was always about chasing after carnal desires, so having sex with Seulgi was different. Almost like having sex with –

“Well. You’re definitely a treat in bed,” Seulgi said when they had finished. His skin was flushed and shining with sweat. Even though he was trying to catch his breath, his eyes sparkled in satisfaction. “I haven’t had a dick like yours in a long time. Maybe never actually.”

Hoseok smirked at the compliment as he reached for the sheets and covered them up. His body was still warm and tingling post-orgasm, heart thumping in his chest. No matter how many compliments he had received from people he slept with, they never really affected him like they did now.

He felt comfortable around Seulgi, even a little shy. He thought back to when Jin told him he needed consistency in a relationship and wondered if he could possibly have that now.

“I do have one complaint though.” Seulgi's sigh broke Hoseok's train of thought as he curled up in the sheets. His blissful expression had dampened slightly, a pout now gracing his features. “You have god-awful sex etiquette!”

“Wh-what?” Hoseok blinked, suddenly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean your bedroom manners are horrible!” Seulgi complained loudly though he glared at Hoseok playfully. His eyes twinkled with something akin to humor. “Don’t you know that you should never moan another lover’s name out during sex? All you said was ‘Yoongi this, Yoongi that’. I know our names are kinda similar, but come on! I have feelings too, you know?”

“Oh my God.” Hoseok covered his eyes with his hands. He could feel his skin burn with shame and embarrassment. He did call out Yoongi’s name multiple times, but he thought that Seulgi wouldn’t hear it over everything else. It explained all the reactions from the past – all the cold or sad stares from his bedmates when it was all over. Not only was he a distant lover; he didn’t even leave Yoongi out of the bedroom. “Oh my God, Seulgi, oh my God…”

“Well at least you have the decency to feel guilty,” Seulgi laughed, and Hoseok felt him rub his back comfortingly. He had expected the other man to be angry (rightfully so), but instead, he chose to tease him and lighten up the situation. Seulgi really was different.

Quiet fell between them, Seulgi tracing lazy patterns up and down Hoseok's back before he pulled away.

“So. Tell me about him.”

“Huh?” Hoseok dropped his hands and looked over. Seulgi was looking up at him with mild interest. He had pulled the sheets up to his neck and snuggled into the bed. “You want me to talk to you about Yoongi?”

“Of course, seeing as you kept calling out his name and all that. He must be really special to you.”

Must be, Seulgi had said, not must’ve been. Hoseok said nothing, resting against the headboard. He hadn’t even really talked about Yoongi and the breakup with Jin and the others deeply. Not because it had ended badly, but because Hoseok didn’t want to think about or acknowledge it.

He had chosen to run away from their joint decision, only to be confronted with it in bed with a complete stranger of all things. But somehow he felt comfortable spilling his feelings to Seulgi.

“Yoongi-hyung… is my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about two years ago, but we dated for ten pretty much.”

Seulgi whistled. “That’s a really long time to be together. Why did you split?”

“... We decided to see what else was out there.”

And that was it really. There hadn’t been a nasty fight or fallout – in fact, Yoongi and Hoseok had been very happy together throughout their entire relationship. But then one day, Yoongi pointed out that maybe they should take a break and see what else was out there since they had been together for so long (“Look at Jin-hyung and Namjoonie. They dated other people before really getting together!”).

Hoseok really didn’t want to do it; he was happy with Yoongi – loved him and was in love with him – but a part of him understood where the older man was coming from. Even with all their happiness, there was the underlying fear that one day one of them would look back and regret not exploring their options. So here they were.

“That’s a crazy reason to break up,” Seulgi said incredulously. He swatted at Hoseok when he laughed. “I’m serious! If you were both so happy and in love, why would you want to see what else is out there?”

"I guess hyung just didn't want us to wake up one day and regret not exploring our options.”

“Uh-huh,” Seulgi drawled, eyebrows raised. His face was torn between intrigue and doubt. “And how’s that going for you?” Hoseok sighed loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. Even though Seulgi resembled Yoongi the most out of all his trysts, he was starting to sound a lot like Jin at the moment.

“Well, hyung has been dating someone else since we broke up, and I’ve been here living my bachelor life to the fullest. But if it's any consolation, hyung is very happy now," he added. Hoseok tried not to look too bitter, but between the afterglow and Seulgi's scrutinizing gaze, he didn't bother to hide his true feelings at this point.

"And you're sure about that?" Seulgi asked. Hoseok nodded. "You're really sure about that? He told you that he was very happy?"

"Well not exactly, but I know he's happy," Hoseok said, feeling defensive. He had wondered time and again if Yoongi had been really happy with Hanwool, but he never thought too hard about it. He didn't want to give himself hope or tarnish a good thing for his hyung. "His boyfriend is a great catch."

"And you're not?" Seulgi was running his hand up and down Hoseok's thigh gently now. He slid closer, enjoying the body heat. When Hoseok didn't reply, he continued. "Look, I don't know you at all, but you seem like a great catch yourself. I also think you should talk to Yoongi." Hoseok looked at him, surprised.

"Talk to him? Why?"

"Because he might not be as happy as you say he is." Seulgi rolled his eyes when Hoseok continued staring at him, as if having to explain this was more hassle than helpful. "Sure, he's happy with this new guy, if he's as great as you say he is, but what makes you think that he doesn't regret the breakup? How do you know that he's truly happy?"

"Well. Because he – he's moved on," Hoseok said softly, but Seulgi shrugged.

"So? You've been with multiple people, but your heart is still set on him. You called out his name during our time together. You're telling me, a complete stranger, all about him and your breakup. Do you really think that he hasn't thought about you? That he doesn't think about you?"

Hoseok pursed his lips in thought. If he were being honest, he used to wonder if Yoongi thought about him a lot, especially when they first broke up. He thought about the older man often enough – wondered what he was doing and who he was talking to; wondered if he was taking care of himself after working so many overnights; wondered if he was really happy with the breakup, if he was really happy with Hanwool.

“Even if he does, what does it matter? He’s been with Hanwool-ssi for a year and a half now.” Hoseok looked over at Seulgi and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I even told him that we should take a break from each other because we’ve both moved on.”

Seulgi hummed in thought. “And how did he take that?”

“Not too well,” Hoseok said. He closed his eyes and could vividly remember the distraught expression on Yoongi’s face as he walked away. “He said that I was special to him. That he’d always make room for me, even if stayed with his new boyfriend for the rest of his life.” That he would always love me.

“Well, I really think you should talk to him.” Seulgi sat up now, the sheets falling down to his waist. He leaned against Hoseok and grabbed his hand. Hoseok smiled a little when they laced their fingers. It was funny how this moment reminded him of all the times he spent with Yoongi. “If you’re telling me all of this from your point of view, imagine how he must feel. I'm not saying wreck his current relationship or anything but just… talk to him.”

“... All right. I’ll talk to him.”

A moment of silence fell between them again before Seulgi suddenly cleared his throat. There was a shyness about him now, his bangs falling into his eyes as he ran his hand through his hair. His voice came out soft and small, so unlike his usual boisterous and confident tone from earlier. His lips had a slight pout again, and he did everything in his power to not make direct eye contact.

“So, I'm usually a one-and-done type of guy, but. You’ve been an amazing partner, Hoseok, bad etiquette aside. I was wondering if you'd like to go another round… one last hurrah, you know? And then maybe… maybe you could escort me back to the train station and say a proper goodbye, like a true gentleman?"

Hoseok looked surprised, his mouth agape. Then, he smiled softly.

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

He knew that Seulgi was right: that his heart was set on Yoongi – that it’d always be set on Yoongi because. Yoongi was his first love, his best friend, his everything. No one could ever compare, no matter how much time had passed.

Yet as he reached over and touched Seulgi’s face to bring him forward for a soft kiss, he couldn’t deny the feelings here. That maybe, in another place or another time, he and Seulgi could’ve been something more. But he wasn’t Yoongi, would never be Yoongi.

And Hoseok was fine with that.

↺

Yoongi had been dreaming about Hoseok lately. Actually, he dreamt about the other often. Most of the time those dreams would be a memory of an event or something silly – dreams that would make Yoongi wake up with a smile. But ever since their talk on the balcony, Yoongi’s dreams of Hoseok had been bleaker. Sadder.

They always started off the same: with Hoseok saying they should take a break from one another. Then it would either end with him walking away or both of them arguing until Yoongi woke up in tears. And that was the worst part of it all – that he always woke up crying from these dreams.

It was hard enough trying to make his face presentable when he went to work or outside, but there was always the fear that he would wake Hanwool because of his crying or worse.

Yoongi’s eyes snapped open, his breathing heavy. His heart thumped erratically in his chest, vision blurry from unshed tears and suddenly being awakened. He rubbed his eyes roughly as he tried to calm down, inhaling and exhaling deeply. The bed dipped slightly and Yoongi turned to see Hanwool sitting on the edge of the bed. He stared at Yoongi, his expression unreadable. It made the older man feel nervous.

“Hanwool?” Yoongi sat up and rubbed his face. He felt himself calming down, the remnants of the dream fading away. He looked over at his boyfriend. “Are you okay? Did I – did I wake you?”

Hanwool shook his head and smiled. He reached over and rested his hand on Yoongi’s thigh, squeezing it gently. “No, I’ve been awake for a good minute. I was just watching you sleep. You’re usually up before me or not here, so I thought I would appreciate the view before we started our day.”

Yoongi spluttered as Hanwool laughed, blushing heavily.

If Hanwool could say something like that then maybe nothing bad had happened. Maybe he hadn’t heard anything weird. Maybe Yoongi had been able to keep the dreams to himself so far. He let the other man pull him out of bed to lead him to the kitchen.

↺

“Let’s congratulate Hyori-ssi on a job well done on her successful album release! We hope that she continues to succeed in all her future endeavors in the company.”

The staff room filled with applause as the manager handed Hyori a bouquet of flowers. She accepted them and bowed deeply, first to the manager and then to everyone in the room. When she spoke, her voice was steady though her eyes shined with emotion.

“I would like to thank everyone for giving me a chance to prove myself and make this album. I know it hasn’t been easy, but we all worked so hard to get here and I cannot express how much I appreciate it. I would also like to personally thank Yoongi-ssi and Namjoon-ssi for being there for me every step of the way. I know you both worked many long nights to make sure everything was perfect and for that, I am forever grateful. I can’t wait to see what we pull off next!”

Yoongi and Namjoon nodded as the room filled with applause once more before everyone either broke off to talk to one another or headed to the buffet table. The atmosphere was brimming with excitement and ease even though it was pouring down outside, and Yoongi let himself be swept up in the celebrations.

It had been a long time coming, months and months of preparation along with long nights of tweaking and creating the right sounds and lyrics so that Hyori could get the recognition she deserved. That and it solidified a good standing for their music company overall. The future was starting to look brighter already.

“Did you come alone, hyung?” Namjoon asked as he took two flutes of champagne offered by one of the attendants. He motioned for Yoongi to follow him and found a table that was further away from their coworkers so that no one would eavesdrop on their conversation. Yoongi nodded as he sat down. He accepted the champagne flute and set it down on the table.

“Hanwool said he had to run some errands for his department first and told me to go ahead. He said he’d come in later and drop by before the party ends.”

That was a couple of hours ago, and as he looked around, Yoongi still hadn’t seen Hanwool yet. But he wasn’t too concerned; the celebration had just started, employees from multiple departments slowly making their way in and out of the room. Namjoon hummed at that, taking another sip of champagne. He set his glass down and looked at Yoongi closely.

“How have you been, hyung? Honestly?”

Yoongi didn’t reply immediately, fiddling with his glass. Then he sighed heavily.

“Honestly, Joonie? I’ve been feeling shitty since… since Hoseok stopped talking to me.”

“Wait. You haven’t heard from Hoseok since our group hangout? That was about a month ago!”

“I know.” Yoongi gripped the flute tightly. He looked pained and exhausted as he thought about his ruined relationship with Hoseok. “I – I texted him a few days after he left, to check on him, but he… he never replied back. Still hasn't replied back. I guess he really was serious about taking a break."

"Yoongi…" Namjoon reached over and placed his hand on top of Yoongi's, squeezing it gently. It killed him to see his hyung like this and not be able to do anything about it. But he also understood where Hoseok was coming from and why he did what he did. There weren’t any winners in this situation. Yoongi shook his head, smiling sadly.

“I understand why he did it. I mean, it must be weird to hang around someone you used to date for so long and they’re dating someone else right? It was probably stupid of me to think Hobi and I could continue being best friends like we were even though we’re seeing different people. But it’s hard, Joonie, it’s so fucking hard. Hobi was always there for me, no matter what. And now – now he’s not even talking to me.”

“Yeah, but I promise it’s not because he hates you or anything bad, hyung.” Namjoon squeezed Yoongi’s hand again, holding on a bit longer. Yoongi’s hand remained limp in his grip. “I’m certain that Hoseok didn’t want to do this either, but… you understand where he’s coming from right? You’ve been with Hanwool-ssi for almost two years, but Hoseok hasn’t been with anyone exclusively at all. Why do you think that is?”

Before Yoongi could respond, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, both he and Namjoon smiled at Old Lady Eunsook. She was carrying a champagne flute and a plate of food from the buffet table. Giving a warm smile of her own, she squeezed Yoongi’s shoulder lightly.

“Oooh, I’m so proud of you both! You’ve done so much for the company already, but I can’t wait to see what else you two have up your sleeves.”

“Ah, Eunsook-ssi, you flatter us,” Namjoon said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“But it’s true! It’s just a shame that Hanwool-ssi couldn’t come to celebrate with us. Especially with you, Yoongi-ssi,” she added, giving a sympathetic glance to Yoongi.

Yoongi raised his eyebrows.

“What are you talking about? Is Hanwool not coming?”

Old Lady Eunsook blinked, surprised. “He didn’t tell you? He called out about an hour ago. Said he wasn’t feeling well. Aigoo, I hope he feels better. Well, you be sure to look after him when you get home, Yoongi-ssi. And try to stay healthy as well.”

Oblivious to the tension and confusion, she walked away from their table to mingle with other coworkers. Namjoon started as Yoongi abruptly stood up and quickly left the room, matching his stride to keep up.

“I’m confused. I thought you said Hanwool-ssi had to run some errands first?”

“He did,” Yoongi said, frowning. They turned left at the end of the hall and headed toward the elevator. “He seemed fine this morning. We had breakfast and everything – damn it, I should’ve brought my phone with me!”

“Hey, hey, let’s not panic.” Namjoon pressed the UP button and escorted Yoongi onto the elevator. Thankfully, it was empty. “I’m sure if it was an emergency, Hanwool-ssi would’ve reached out to someone here if he couldn’t reach you. So don’t freak out, okay?” Yoongi didn’t answer, instead pressing the button to the floor of their studio. “Hyung, seriously, everything will be okay.”

“I’ve been dreaming about Hoseok.”

Yoongi’s voice came out softly, but with the silence in the elevator, it was practically equivalent to a shout. Namjoon blinked at the sudden confession – because to another person, it did sound sudden – but he knew better. Yoongi never said anything randomly; he might’ve given random facts or details, but his hyung always spoke with a purpose. Everything he said meant something.

“What?”

“I mean, I’ve always dreamt of him now and again,” Yoongi continued as if he hadn’t dropped a bombshell. He was looking down, suddenly interested in his shoes and the elevator floor, “but that made sense because we were together then. We’ve been broken up for almost two years now, and I still dream about him, Namjoon.” Yoongi looked up then. His eyes were wide and filled with guilt. “I still dream about him. I still think about him. I still… I still miss him. And that’s fucked up, right?”

“No, hyung, it’s not,” Namjoon said, trying to placate him but Yoongi shook his head.

“It’s fucked up, Joonie. It’s fucked up because I have Hanwool and Hoseok… Hoseok deserves to live his own life. He deserves to find someone to be with, that’ll make him happy. I’m just selfish,” Yoongi said, grimacing. “I’m just selfish, even though this was all my idea in the first place.”

“Hyung –”

The elevator came to a stop and before the doors could barely open, Yoongi hurried out with Namjoon following close behind. What should’ve been a quick walk down the hall seemed to take forever in Yoongi’s mind, multiple thoughts going back and forth. Why hadn’t he brought his phone with him? When had Hanwool started feeling unwell? He looked fine this morning – was he just pretending to not worry Yoongi because of the celebration? Why hadn’t Yoongi noticed?

Stomach twisting in knots, Yoongi picked up his phone and woke it up. He sighed audibly with relief when didn’t see an influx of texts from Hanwool. He glared weakly at Namjoon when he heard the other man chuckle from behind.

“I take it that Hanwool-ssi didn’t send a ten-page message talking about how much he’s dying and how much he loves you?” Namjoon asked as he flopped onto the sofa. Yoongi shook his head as he sat down in his chair, checking his phone again.

“No, there’s actually no texts – oh wait, there’s a voicemail from him.”

And that was odd. Hanwool had never left Yoongi a voicemail before; he’d always preferred to text or talk to him in person if the older man didn’t answer the phone. Giving Namjoon an apologetic look, Yoongi turned away and played the message. When the silence stretched for longer than a minute, Yoongi thought that maybe Hanwool had forgotten to hang up but then he heard his voice. It was uncharacteristically quiet and hesitant.

"... Yoongi.

I know you're busy with the celebration so I don’t expect you to listen to this message anytime soon.

By the time you hear this… I'll be gone. It’s for the best, you know? I promise it’s not your fault or anything – it’s just… I never stood a chance, did I? Against Hoseok-ssi. I knew he was special to you, but I don’t think I realized how much – and that’s okay! I swear it’s okay, Yoongi. I would’ve never come between the two of you. And yet somehow… that’s exactly what happened.

I don’t know if you ever knew but… you called out to Hoseok-ssi in your sleep. You always have but… I don’t hold anything against you for that, Yoongi. You and Hoseok-ssi dated for a long time. It would’ve been stupid of me to think you would easily forget him or not think about him but… I think a small part of me thought I could – that I could make you forget about Hoseok-ssi and focus on me. I know it was stupid and selfish but I – it’s just – ever since I met you and took you out for coffee that day… it’s always been you for me, Yoongi. It’s always been you.

But… what you and Hoseok-ssi had – no, what you both have… it’s special. You know it, he knows it, everyone knows it. Your relationship is special. That time on the balcony… that’s when I really realized it, and not just because I heard you both talking. It was the way you looked at him – and how he looked at you.

I can’t compete with that, Yoongi. Hell, I probably never could so… we’re done.

Please don’t be sad and don’t blame yourself. I really enjoyed every moment with you, and you made me happy. Really. I just want you to be happy – truly happy … and if Hoseok-ssi will make you that happy then I want you to go back to him. Talk to him, Yoongi.

Thank you for everything.

… I love you.”

The phone dropped from Yoongi’s hand and onto the floor, but he didn't acknowledge it. His eyes stared ahead at nothing, a loud roar ringing in his ears. Hanwool was gone.

Jumping out of his seat, Yoongi ran out of the studio. He could hear Namjoon calling after him, but he didn’t stop running. He took the stairs instead of the elevator, his heart pounding heavily in his chest.

Hanwool knew and now he was gone – that was all his mind thought as he dashed through the lobby and outside into the downpour. The phrase turned in his head over and over again, but it seemed unreal. Hanwool knew all along how he felt about Hoseok and never said anything. He just endured it and loved Yoongi with all his heart and now he was gone. He was gone.

Yoongi struggled to unlock the apartment door for a moment before bursting in, soaked to the bone. He used to joke about how convenient the distance between his apartment and the music studio was, how he could always run back and forth if he needed anything from home – it didn't seem to matter now.

"Hanwool? Hanwool!"

Yoongi checked and rechecked each room, trying to find any sign that Hanwool was around. But there was nothing: no trinkets, no clothes, no finance books, no work papers, nothing.

Hanwool really was gone.

Dazed, Yoongi made his way back to the kitchen. His clothes were heavy from the rain, sticking to his skin and leaving puddles on the floor but he didn't care. Hanwool had really taken everything and left. He had really left.

"Hanwool…"

Yoongi leaned against the entryway of the kitchen and hugged himself. He wanted to scream and curse, to throw things, but he felt completely numb. Even if he destroyed everything in his apartment, Hanwool wouldn't come back. He hadn't left a trace of himself behind. It was like he'd never lived with Yoongi at all.

With a shaky sigh, Yoongi turned to leave but saw something that caught his eye. On the counter sat a tiny black box with a little note under it. He could see a bit of Hanwool's handwriting on the note.

Stomach churning, Yoongi hurried over and picked up the box. He gripped it tightly and took several deep breaths. He knew what it was without even having to open it. Hanwool had hinted several times that he'd love to gift a ring to Yoongi and now –

Yoongi dropped the box as if it'd burned him and reached for the note instead. He dropped it several times because his hands were trembling so badly, barely able to make out the words through his tears.

But Hanwool's final words were there, neatly written in the center of the paper:

Because I want to spend my forever with you.

↺

"Has anyone heard from Yoongi?"

Jin's brows furrowed as everyone shook their heads. They had decided to meet as a group after a couple of weeks of trying to reach Yoongi but to no avail – no matter how many calls or texts anyone sent, the older man refused to read or reply.

Namjoon shared a look with him before looking at the others.

"Yoongi's been working on projects at the studio,” he said. “I only know that because I've overheard the higher-ups talking about him, but ever since Hanwool left, hyung's been working from home. He won't answer any emails, texts, or phone calls, and when Jin and I tried to visit last week, he wouldn't come to the door."

Namjoon’s words hung heavily over them.

"He's taking the breakup really hard, isn't he?" Jimin asked quietly. He held both Taehyung's and Jungkook’s hands, rubbing his thumbs in slow circles. Jungkook made a frustrated noise and squeezed Jimin’s hand. Out of everyone in the group, he was taking the situation the hardest and no one could blame him.

To say that they were blindsided by the whole situation was an understatement – not only had Hanwool suddenly broken up with Yoongi and moved out of the apartment, but he had also quit his job at the music company and moved away. He had basically removed himself from Yoongi’s life completely.

The only reason Jin and the others had found out about the breakup at all was because Yoongi’s brother had texted them everything when he had found out – and that was a week after Hanwool had officially left.

Hoseok just stared listlessly at the table, holding his phone loosely in his hands. He had a gut feeling as to why Hanwool suddenly left Yoongi, but he couldn’t really understand why the other man did what he did. He had pulled away from Yoongi to prevent something like this from happening, and now the older man was suffering for it anyway.

It wasn’t fair, and the whole thing made Hoseok so angry that he became numb to it. What could he do? He hadn’t spoken to Yoongi in over two months, and he doubted that he would want to hear from him now.

"Hoseok. I think you should reach out to Yoongi,” Jin said. Hoseok looked up at him. Jin was staring at him with concern like the others, but there was a knowing gleam in his eyes. “I know you haven’t spoken to him in a while, but you might be the only one he’ll talk to at this point.”

“How can you be sure about that, Jin-hyung? Like you said, I haven’t spoken to Yoongi in a while,” Hoseok said. He rubbed the back of his neck out of habit and closed his eyes. The last message he received from Yoongi was a few days after the balcony incident, but he never replied to it – he didn’t have the heart to. “Do you seriously think he’ll want to hear from me now? Especially when it’s probably my fault that Hanwool left him?”

“Hold up, what?” Namjoon said. His eyes were wide with surprise, and it didn’t help that Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook had the same expression. If he hadn’t confessed something serious, Hoseok would have laughed. “What do you mean it’s your fault?”

“Probably, Joonie. He said probably,” Jin corrected him, patting his thigh. “But yeah, what did you mean by that, Hobi?”

Hoseok sank down a little in his seat as everyone waited for his response.

“... I think Hanwool overheard our conversation on the balcony,” he said, looking down at his phone. “When Yoongi was about to say that he’d always – always love me, Hanwool interrupted us. He had a strange look on his face… but then he smiled like nothing had happened so I thought maybe… maybe he hadn’t heard anything but now that he’s — yeah.”

“Hyung, I’m sure that’s not why Hanwool left,” Taehyung said, but Hoseok shook his head.

“It wasn’t just that. I – I kissed Yoongi on the forehead in front of him, and we – we held hands. It was – it was like a goodbye, you know? We’d been together for so long in everything and I didn’t want that to ruin what they had. I did all of this so that Hanwool and Yoongi wouldn’t break up, but they still did anyway… and looking back it just seems like it’s my fault now.”

“Hobi…”

Everyone looked at him sympathetically, but Namjoon was staring at him thoughtfully.

“Hoseok, do you really think Hanwool left just because of that?”

Hoseok blinked. “Yeah? I mean, what other reason would he have left?”

Namjoon shrugged, still looking thoughtful.

“Maybe there were other things happening between him and Yoongi that we weren’t aware of? Maybe what happened between the two of you was more like a catalyst instead of the actual cause? I’ll admit that I didn’t know Hanwool super well, but he doesn’t seem like the type to just abruptly leave for something like that. He knew you were special to Yoongi.”

“Even at the expense of their relationship?”

And Hoseok couldn’t help the look of sadness and regret at the thought because if he really was the cause of Yoongi and Hanwool’s breakup – he’d never forgive himself.

Namjoon gave him a wan smile.

“I honestly can’t answer that, Hoseok. I just want you to know that it's not all black and white.”

When Hoseok’s expression didn’t change, Jin and Jimin got up from their spots and sat next to him. They each took one of his hands and held them. Hoseok appreciated the warmth from their bodies, the tension in his own slowly easing away.

No matter how he looked at it, he felt responsible for Hanwool leaving Yoongi – it just made the most sense. But if what Namjoon said was true, then there was more to the story.

“Please talk to him, Hobi.” Jin squeezed his hand gently. “I know Yoongi really misses you and would want nothing more than to hear from you. Please try and reach out to him.”

Hoseok looked at everyone once before nodding.

“Okay. I’ll – I’ll reach out to him.”

↺

Contrary to his promise to Jin and the others, Hoseok didn’t immediately reach out to Yoongi.

In fact, he still hadn’t reached out to him even though it’d been several days since their group meetup. Not that he didn’t try – he had plenty of messages drafted in his inbox and several scenarios in his head – but he was scared.

Scared that Yoongi would ignore him back, or worse, really end their friendship because Hoseok had technically ghosted him too. But he also knew that was stupid thinking on his part because Yoongi was better than that.

It was Hoseok’s own guilt holding him back.

“How long are you going to keep doing this?” Dawon asked. She looked a mixture of curious and irritated as she watched Hoseok take a sip of his Iced Americano.

“Keep doing what?” Hoseok asked innocently, even though he already knew the answer. It was the reason that his sister had dragged him out of his apartment under the guise of a “sibling day”.

Dawon looked unimpressed.

“How long are you going to keep being a coward and not message Yoongi? Don’t you think you’ve let him wait long enough? That, and I know you really miss him. You haven’t stopped looking at your phone once since we stepped in here. It’s really annoying honestly.”

Hoseok almost choked on his drink. Dawon was right, but he couldn’t help it. He really wanted to message Yoongi, but he also didn’t know what to say. It was bad enough that he was practically being hounded by Jin (and gently pushed by the others) on whether he checked on the older man or not. In retrospect, this was a perfect opportunity for Hoseok to talk to Yoongi, to make things right – but Hoseok was Hoseok.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok turned his phone face down but kept his hand on it. “I want to talk to Yoongi – really,” he added when Dawon raised an eyebrow, “but I don’t know if he’ll really want to hear from me now…”

“How do you know that? Did Yoongi say he didn’t want to talk to you?”

“Well no, but I haven’t replied to his messages or checked on him in a while.”

“So? If that’s the case, I think Yoongi would be very happy to hear from you now.”

“Dawon, it’s not that easy –” Dawon suddenly slammed her hand on the table, making Hoseok jump. He looked around quickly and was glad that she hadn’t caught the attention of anyone in the shop. “Are you crazy, slamming your hand down like that? We’re in public, Dawon!”

“And you’re being really dumb, Hoseok!” Dawon glared at him. “You say that you want to talk to Yoongi and check on him, but right now you’re making so many excuses on why you shouldn’t talk to him. I find it hard to believe that you really care about him at this point.”

“Don’t say that," Hoseok said. He didn’t bother to hide the hurt look on his face – he’d done that long enough. "I care about Yoongi deeply. You of all people should know that!”

“Then act like it.” Dawon’s glare morphed into sympathy then. “Look. You’re so busy beating yourself up about the little things that you’re not seeing the big picture. Hanwool left Yoongi – it doesn’t matter why now, he’s gone – and Yoongi’s been dealing with all of that plus his own feelings alone. He probably could use a friend right now.”

“But everyone else has tried to reach out to him,” Hoseok said quietly, and for some reason, it sounded like a weak argument. The look on Dawon’s face solidified the thought. “What?”

“Hoseok… you’re such an idiot,” Dawon huffed, but she was smiling softly as she placed her hands over his. “Don’t you get it yet? We could all reach out to Yoongi every single day… but the only person he really needs to hear from is you.”

↺

Hoseok had decided to reply to Yoongi’s texts first – no answer.

Then he had sent all his drafted text messages – no response.

He’d even tried to call several times during the day – all sent directly to voicemail.

So now he was here – standing in front of Yoongi’s apartment late at night, the key to the door hot in his hand. Hoseok wasn’t even sure why he’d never given it back after moving out (or why Yoongi never asked for it back either), but as he let himself in, he was grateful to have it at all. There was a high chance that Yoongi probably wouldn’t come to the door at this point, even for him.

“Hyung?” Hoseok stepped inside and closed the door gingerly behind him. He was surprised at how dark and quiet the apartment was as he removed his shoes and made his way into the kitchen; it was eerie, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. “Yoongi?”

Hoseok turned on the light and gasped. Dirty dishes were piled in the sink, and the trash bin was overflowing. Clothes were strewn about the kitchen and around the apartment along with torn sheet music. Hoseok shuddered, his skin crawling at the sight. He’d always been big on cleanliness, but this was alarming.

Yoongi had never let the apartment get like this, no matter how busy or tired he’d be.

Suddenly feeling uneasy, Hoseok hurried out of the kitchen and stumbled through the mess. He peeked into each room down the hall, including the closets, but there was no sign of Yoongi among the rumpled bed sheets or disarrayed set-ups. It was like he had vanished.

“Yoongi?” Hoseok practically ran into the living room, his heart racing. If anything terrible had happened to Yoongi, he'd never forgive himself for taking so long to reply. “Yoongi!”

“Hob-ah…”

Hoseok nearly jumped out of his skin as he looked over at the sofa. Yoongi was slumped on it, a comforter wrapped loosely around him. He looked small and frail, his skin unhealthily pale against the lights that shone from outside. Though he wore a placid expression, Hoseok could see the heartache in Yoongi’s eyes as he sat next to him.

“I’m here, Yoongi,” Hoseok said quietly. He grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together. Even Yoongi’s hand felt lighter in his grasp, but it was still so warm. Hoseok squeezed it gently. “I’m here now.”

Yoongi leaned into him immediately, desperately seeking warmth and comfort. It eased Hoseok’s worries about whether or not Yoongi still wanted to see him, but it also hurt him to see his hyung this way – to know that he was the cause of Yoongi's pain as much as Hanwool.

“Hob-ah… Hanwool is – Hanwool is gone. He's gone. He's gone!"

Yoongi hiccuped pitifully as his body started to tremble from the force of his sobs. He didn't bother to wipe away the onslaught of tears, his eyes rubbed raw from weeks of crying. The sight broke Hoseok's heart. He'd seen many emotions of Yoongi but never like this.

Yoongi was devastated.

“Yoongi…”

Hoseok embraced him tightly. He felt his shoulder dampen from Yoongi’s tears, but he didn’t care, wrapping his arms tighter. Hoseok would hold Yoongi forever if he had to, would let his arms be the foundation that kept the older man from completely falling apart.

He knew he should say so many things – that it wasn’t Yoongi’s fault, that Hanwool was foolish for leaving him like this, that Hoseok was stupid for pulling away – but instead, all he said was, “It’s okay, hyung, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise.”

↺

The night sky was beginning to tinge with orange from sunrise by the time Yoongi had eventually cried himself to sleep, his body slumped against Hoseok’s. His tears had dried at some point, leaving tracks along his blotchy cheeks.

Hoseok continued to rub his back soothingly, staring out onto the balcony. He was surprisingly awake even though he’d been up all night, but he figured that was because his focus was on taking care of Yoongi.

Hoseok sighed softly. They needed to talk about so many things once the older man woke up and got his bearings, but there were other pressing matters to tend to first.

Hoseok carefully laid Yoongi back onto the sofa, covering him with the comforter. Then he stood up and stretched before looking around. He knew that it would be a couple of hours (maybe even more) before Yoongi even budged – plenty of time to clean house.

And that’s what Hoseok did.

He started in the bedroom and down the hall, throwing all the clothes in the wash and trashing any sheet music that was blank (he stacked any written pieces on the dresser). When he got to the kitchen, he emptied the trash bin and washed all the dirty dishes. It was as he wiped the countertop that he noticed it – a ring box and a crumpled note.

Hoseok didn’t open the box – it wasn’t his place to and it didn’t take a genius to know what was in it – but he did open the note. He read it and sympathized with Hanwool.

Even though he was aware of Hoseok and Yoongi’s past and current feelings for each other, the other man loved Yoongi earnestly and fiercely until the end, and Hoseok couldn’t hate him for that. He’d never hate him for that.

He gently folded the note and set the ring box on top.

When Hoseok finally made his way back into the living room, sunlight was shining through the balcony door. Yoongi was still asleep, curled up on the sofa. His expression was lax as he snored softly. He had kicked off the comforter at some point in his sleep. Smiling softly, Hoseok covered him back up.

It didn’t take as long to clean up the living room compared to the rest of the apartment, so when Hoseok finished, he decided to go ahead and make a simple breakfast – french toast and diced fruit.

As the aroma of cinnamon and coffee beans wafted throughout the apartment, Hoseok found himself pondering what he was going to say to Yoongi when he woke up.

Would it be too weird confessing everything all at once? Was it something that they were going to have to talk about in bits and pieces? More importantly, would Yoongi even be happy to see him now that he had rested?

“You’re really here…”

Hoseok turned from the stove to see Yoongi staring at him from the entryway. His hair and clothes were mussed, but his eyes were bright with awe and wonder as he made his way over. He leaned against Hoseok like he did the night before, lolling in his warmth and company.

Hoseok heard him sigh softly and smiled, any nervousness fading away. They stood like that for a while longer, Yoongi resting against him while he finished making breakfast.

They decided to eat in the living room, and Hoseok was secretly happy that the atmosphere wasn’t awkward or heavy as he and Yoongi dug in, sharing two plates. Neither spoke, instead choosing to enjoy the food and the comfortable silence.

Sunlight spilled into the room, the clear blue sky a nice view after everything that had transpired. Hoseok was so engrossed in the peace and eating that he almost didn’t hear Yoongi when he spoke.

“Hob-ah… we need to talk.”

Surprised, Hoseok looked over at Yoongi. His face was blank, but there was a determined gleam in his eyes. Hoseok was glad to see that the color had returned to the older man’s face somewhat and that he no longer looked exhausted and overwrought. He nodded.

“Yeah. We really do need to talk.”

“But first, a shower.”

Yoongi sighed loudly, smacking his thighs twice before standing up. He moaned and groaned dramatically as he stretched, smiling when Hoseok laughed at him. When he was satisfied, he made his way out into the hall and turned around.

“You can use the guest shower if you want or wait for me to finish. I know you didn’t bring a change of clothes but you can wear some of mine. They’re clean,” he added as an afterthought.

“Well since they’re clean,” Hoseok echoed, wiggling his eyebrows playfully. Yoongi chuckled and then left for the bedroom. When heard the door shut and the sound of the shower, Hoseok got up and made his way to the guest room.

He couldn't deny that he was anxious – they had two years' worth of things to talk about after all. But as Hoseok stood under the jet of hot water in the shower, he also felt ready.

Ready to talk about whatever Yoongi wanted to talk about, ready to hear whatever Yoongi had to say, and ready to tell Yoongi exactly how he felt after all this time.

↺

Yoongi was waiting on the sofa when he returned.

Hoseok figured maybe it was the emotional breakdown along with some rest and food because Yoongi looked like his usual self now, save for his hair being fluffy from towel drying. In fact, he seemed to even be in better spirits, his back straight and eyes focused.

When Hoseok came over and sat down beside him, he averted his gaze shyly and a slight blush started up his neck to his ears. He flexed his hands repeatedly a few times before resting them on his thighs. Hoseok watched him quietly.

"Hyung, I… I'm really sorry. About Hanwool-ssi and – and everything else," he said. When Yoongi looked at him, confused, Hoseok motioned between them with his hands. "Even though I stopped talking to you so that you could focus on your relationship, I also did it because… I was scared and hurt and tired. But I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't fair to you and now Hanwool-ssi –"

"Stop, Hob-ah."

Yoongi folded his arms and sighed. He looked both relieved and troubled as he closed his eyes. Hoseok didn't say anything else, letting the older man get his thoughts together. He tried his best not to fidget but the longer they sat in silence, the more anxious he started to feel. It didn't sound like Yoongi was upset over his apology – in fact, it almost sounded like he didn't want one.

"... It's not your fault that Hanwool and I broke up. We'd been having issues for a while now. Probably – probably since we started dating actually." Yoongi opened his eyes and looked at Hoseok. They were bright from the sunlight and something else. "It's my fault. Even though I had suggested the breakup between us… I couldn't forget about you, Hob-ah."

"What?" Hoseok gaped, eyes wide. Yoongi averted his gaze again, choosing to take an interest in his hands. He continued talking, clenching and unclenching his fists as he spoke.

"It was hard at first, you know? I mean – we’ve known each for such a long time and we dated for just as long, so I knew I wouldn’t easily forget you like that but I – I tried very hard to forget about you… to let you go. Especially when I learned that you were going out again because – you were free and I knew that you would find someone else eventually. You’re just that kind of person, Hoseok.”

Yoongi shook his head, smiling sadly.

“I didn’t think I’d ever date again so soon or at all, really. You were the only one for me, even though I suggested we separate in the first place. Then Hanwool happened, and he was perfect in every way… but I still couldn’t forget about you. I saw you everywhere I went, even in my dreams. I thought about you all the time when I was with him, even when we were intimate. You were just – there and I – no matter how hard I tried to push you to the back of my mind, you just kept coming back. It got worse after the balcony incident and then Hanwool leaving just… made it more real. I can't forget about you, Hob-ah. I could date many people and still end up here because… it’s always been you. It – It’ll only be you."

Hoseok stared at Yoongi, speechless. All the words he had planned to say vanished completely from his mind and off his tongue. He had always wondered how Yoongi felt after the breakup – about whether he missed him or thought of him or if they would ever get back together again – but never had the courage to ask aloud. A small part of him feared that Yoongi would say no.

“Yoongi –”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same,” Yoongi said. He still refused to look at Hoseok. “Like I said – I suggested the breakup. Just because things ended between me and Hanwool doesn’t mean you need to be here. You don’t need to watch over me or anything. Hyung will be okay.”

“Yoongi –”

“I understand why you wanted a break. It was selfish of me to think that I could have you in my life constantly even though we were seeing other people. But it hurt so much, Hob-ah, so fucking much. Cause it’s like – one moment we were talking all the time about anything and everything and then you just pulled away. Hell, you didn’t even respond until now… but I get it. I truly fucked up, and I’ll understand if you still don’t want to talk to me anymore after this.”

“Yoongi!” Hoseok shouted, startling the older man. When he was sure that Yoongi was looking at him – eyes wide with surprise and a bit of fear – he continued, “Please just – stop talking and listen to me now, okay?”

After a moment, Yoongi nodded, giving him the floor. There were so many things swirling in Hoseok’s mind, he wasn’t sure where to start. He felt that if he opened his mouth, nothing but word vomit would spill out but – he started talking.

"I hate that we broke up, but I hate myself more for agreeing to it in the first place. I was happy with what we had – what we have – but part of me also understood where you were coming from. Even though I was against it, I went along with everything anyway. I thought it would be temporary – that we'd realize we were both being stupid, but then Hanwool-ssi happened and I just… started seeing other people."

Hoseok stared at Yoongi meaningfully.

"Again, I thought the breakup was temporary, but… no matter who I met and slept with there wasn't a connection. I didn't feel anything and I didn't see them again. There wasn't a point, you know? They weren't you, and I – it's not like I could forget you either. All my partners looked like you, one way or another. So, you weren't the only one still thinking about us."

Yoongi suddenly grabbed his hand, surprising both of them. The older man looked down at their connected hands with wide eyes before glancing back up at Hoseok.

They both shared a coy smile, their hands moving tentatively as they intertwined their fingers. Hoseok let the warmth from Yoongi's hand encase his own, squeezing gently. Even though so much had happened, it was like nothing had changed.

He let out a shaky breath.

"I regret it, hyung. I regret letting you go – letting us break up – but I'm also sorry that things didn't work out between you and Hanwool-ssi. I know that he loved you a lot but… a part of me is also glad that it's over because now – now we can try again. I want us to try again, Yoongi."

"Wh-what?" Yoongi was floored. He had expected Hoseok to make a heartfelt confession of sorts, but that was it. He never thought that Hoseok would want to try again – that he regretted the breakup just as much as Yoongi did. "You'd get back together with me even after… after everything?"

"We weren't together, Yoongi. Whatever you did with Hanwool-ssi won't change my mind. I wasn’t exactly celibate either, you know.” Hoseok tilted his head. “Do you think less of me though? For sleeping with other people?"

"No!" Yoongi said quickly. He squeezed Hoseok's hand hard for emphasis, making the younger man laugh. "None of that matters to me. I'll always love and want you, Hob-ah."

"Then that's that,” Hoseok said simply. All the fear and anxiety he had felt had transformed into a giddiness and ease that was pouring out of him in waves. Yoongi felt the same. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against the older man’s. “Let's try again, Yoongi. Please?"

"Aish… you make it sound so simple,” Yoongi said as he playfully rolled his eyes. He spent a moment looking back and forth between Hoseok and their connected hands before sighing shakily. When he spoke again, his voice was small and disbelieving. “Can it – can it really be so easy?"

“It will be,” Hoseok answered. He squeezed Yoongi’s hand in reassurance. “Things have been difficult between us long enough. We deserve it easy this time, right?"

Yoongi nodded and, before he could stop himself, pecked Hoseok on the lips.

It had honestly been a reflex – Yoongi used to always kiss Hoseok whenever he gave words of comfort or encouragement when they were dating – but that was then and this was now.

They stared at each other, wide-eyed and surprised.

Then, Yoongi tried to save face, snatching his hand from Hoseok's hold. His face had become a deep shade of red that ran from his face down to his neck. He covered his own mouth as he tried to sink into the cushions of the sofa, mumbling frantically.

“I’m sorry, Hob-ah, I’m so sorry! Hyung really didn’t mean to do that! We haven’t been together for two years and I – why why why did I just do that? Aish, we just – we just patched things up and now this and – and I promise you that I didn’t mean to –”

Hoseok reached over and removed Yoongi’s hand before pulling him into another kiss, cutting off the frantic apology. He knew that the older man hadn’t meant to kiss him, but the simple action had opened the floodgates of his desires. He had waited long enough, and he wasn’t going to wait any longer.

When he realized that Hoseok wasn’t going to stop or push him away, Yoongi melted into the kiss, grabbing onto his shoulders tightly. A wave of passion and arousal washed over them, tongues touching and hands wandering. A hum of satisfaction escaped both of them when they eventually pulled away for air.

Neither said a word, sharing the same starstruck gaze.