Archive of Our Own

1.

“Therefore in recognition of his brave efforts, the Federation does hereby grant command of the USS Enterprise to,” Admiral Archer paused and looked down at a sheet in front of him as he raised an eyebrow. He glanced up quickly at Jim before continuing, “Captain James Tiberius Kirk-McCoy.”

Now Jim had always had a good poker face. Growing up the way he did, it was important that he didn’t let people know what it was he was thinking, or what he had done and was hiding. Hell, Jim spent the entire first semester at the academy pretending to be the dumb blond that everyone assumed he was and got away with it.

It actually was part of what was going to make Jim into a good Captain.

So, even though it was a struggle, Jim kept his face impassive. As the voices raised into mumbles and as he watched his own crew look at him and Bones incredulously, Jim knew what he was going to do. He refused to let anyone think anything was wrong. He was Jim Kirk and he had since made it an artform to always pretend that everything was going to plan.

So, he smiled slightly and forced his shoulders back, walking calmly up the stage to the newly minted Admiral Pike, adjusting his uniform as he went. Jim shrugged his shoulders slightly at Pike’s stare.

“I relieve you, Sir.”

“I am relieved.” Pike only said three words but his tone and stare said so many more.

Jim grinned helplessly as he moved up the line of Admirals.

As he shook hands with Admiral Archer, Jim resolutely ignored the glint of humour in his eyes and turned to face the crowd. 

Jim wasted no time in locking eyes with Bones who looked a bit more pale than usual but otherwise calm. Jim slightly raised one shoulder and dropped the other whilst he grinned rakishly at him. Bone returned the favour by glaring at Jim, “We’re talking about this later,” his eyes seemed to scream.

Jim’s smile turned genuine as his eyes moved to look at the rest of the crowd as they applauded. He could see Sulu and Chekov laughing hard whilst Spock looked at them disapprovingly, and confusingly at Jim. Uhura merely lifted an eyebrow when she noticed Jim looking and he smiled wider. Jim could also see Scotty and Keenser apparently arguing about something as they looked between Bones and Jim. 

Jim had just become Captain, but looking at them all, he knew without a doubt who his crew was going to be.

-

“I was not aware you two were a couple.” Spock said, uniform pristine and hands behind his back.

“Aye, Sir, although it does make sense now.”

“Everyone always thought you two were together at the academy.” Sulu remarked.

Jim blanched at that, “They what?”

Uhura crossed her arms and tilted her head, “You denied it a few times, but you were always together, not to mention you acted like a married couple too.”

Bones tipped back his glass of whiskey as he grumbled, “I’m not drunk enough for this.”

Jim patted his back consolingly and ignored the others pointed looks as he tried to explain.

“We really aren’t together.”

Uhura scoffed, “You are apparently married though, Kirk-McCoy.”

Jim backtracked, “Okay obviously, we are married, but we’re not actually a couple.”

“I’m confused.” Chekov said as his eyebrows furrowed. 

“You and me both,” Bones mumbled, “I don’t think the Admiral would do such a prank but I’m sure I would have remembered getting married to this idiot.”

Jim ignored his taunt as he raised a hand to his chin. Suddenly it hit Jim, he slowly turned to face Bones and only said, “Summer holiday, second year.”

Bones frowned, “That Summer? We went to–” Bones froze in shock and matched the expression on Jim’s face. “There’s no way– we did not.”

“I can’t think of any other time, Bones. And remember that one night where everything was just a blur?”

The crew looked back and forth at the two, before someone broke in. 

“Would you gentlemen care to explain what you’re talking about?”

Jimw hurled around to face Pike as he wheeled his wheelchair up to the group.

“Pike!” Jim smiled wide, “What-what brings you here, huh?”

Pike gave Jim an unimpressed stare and Jim sighed.

“Well the summer of our second year, we decided to take a trip,” Jim fidgeted slightly at Pike’s look.

“A trip to where?”

Jim looked to Bones for help who only looked amused at Jim’s predicament; also waiting for him to answer. Jim glared at him, some husband.

“Vegas.” Jim finally pushed out. 

Pike facepalmed as the others started laughing.

Only Spock looked confused, “I do not understand, what is the laughing matter surrounding Vegas?”

Uhura took pity on him, “Well, Spock. Vegas is famous for a great deal of things, but shot-phaser weddings after drunken nights are one of its most famous attractions.”

Spock gaped in a Vulcan manner, meaning his eyes widened slightly.

“How drunk were you guys?” Sulu asked between laughs.

Jim could only sigh as Bones pinched his brow.

“It is not a major issue,” Spock pointed out, “You can simply get it annulled.”

Bones buried his head in his hands even further as Jim grinned and slyly said, “I don’t think we can qualify for annulment, actually Spock.”

The whole crew and Pike swung their looks between Jim’s grinning face and Bone’s red face that was still hidden in his hands.

Pike shook his head as Sulu whispered a quiet: “Oh my god.”

Jim put his arm around a still red but since emerged McCoy.

“But really, Spock’s right. It's not a major issue, we can just get a divorce. What do you think Bones, two divorces before you’re forty?”

Bones groaned and shook his head, before he turned on his heel and headed to the bar.

Jim grinned and turned to follow him, before Pike stopped him, “‘If that’s what you two really want, then you should do it soon, before you get shipped out.”

Jim scoffed slightly, “Yeah we’ll get right on it Pike, can’t ruin either of our reputation as single men.”

Jim ignored Pike’s sigh as he turned and headed over to his bitter half.

2.

They did not get right on it. Between both of their jobs they were far too busy getting the Enterprise ready to depart to think about their marriage. Truthfully they forgot about it, especially after it had died down a bit and people stopped making jokes that they both always ignored anyway.

Jim was busy choosing the rest of the crew and supervising the repairs of the Enterprise whilst Bones was too busy rearranging sickbay to his needs and apparently: “Whipping these idiots into somewhat qualified nurses and doctors.” As Bones often grumbled to Jim at their weekly drinking sessions they scheduled as meetings.

They had completely forgotten, and they would've kept on forgetting if it wasn’t for the event a week into the launch. They had just finished their first and easy mission of delivering supplies from Earth to a Federation outpost. 

They had just dropped off the supplies when an Ensign came onto the bridge with apparently a thank-you gift from the lead scientist at the post. 

The Ensign was looking down at his clipboard as he held a small box, he was also new. So new he hadn’t even been at the award ceremony and so new that he was determined to follow orders to the key. As such, the Ensign insisted that he had a delivery to make to a: “Captain Kirk-Mccoy.”

The Ensign jerked back as he watched his Captain face-palm so hard there was a resounding snap, he was even more shocked as he watched a majority of his senior officers break into loud laughter.

Jim looked up again and took pity on the Ensign as he stood to grab the package from his lax grip. The Ensign pulled himself together and hurried to the turbolift, shooting looks behind him.

Jim sighed as he fell back into the Captain’s seat.

Sulu turned around with a wide grin, “Did you forget something, Sir.”

“You’re fired, Sulu.” Jim deadpanned.

“Yes Sir,” Sulu saluted before turning back to face the helm to get back to work.

Chekov piped up, “I thought you were going to get an annul– divorce with the Doctor, Keptin.”

Jim sighed again as Chekov went bright red on his mix up. Now crew members who weren't there for the conversation buried further chuckles as they realised what Chekov’s words and face meant.

“That was the aim, Chekov. We just forgot.” Jim opened up the box and stared at the single flower inside. 

Jim startled at the voice coming over his shoulder as Spock looked down at the flower.

“It’s a Trilet, they are native to the planet we just came from and somewhat rare. It is a pertinent gesture of gratitude from the lead scientist.”

Jim stared at it. It lay on a thick bed of dark green leaves, its petals were a deep blue that would’ve been unnatural on Earth as it curled into sharp tips at the edge whilst there was a soft splattering of orange pollen in the centre. It really was quite beautiful. 

Jim shook himself out of his stupor and grinned, time to bother Bones.

Jim stood up suddenly and turned to the turbolift.

“You have the Conn, Mr Spock.”

As Jim walked to the turbolift, he heard Spock’s response.

“Try not to bother Dr McCoy for too long, Captain, he has work to do too.”

The doors closed on Kirk-McCoy’s outraged face as he looked at Spock's calm one.

-

Bones stared down at the flower, “Why are you here again?”

Jim sighed, “That really is no way to greet your husband after he got you a nice flower.”

Jim heard Chapel and M’benga’s aborted snorts and watched junior nurses and doctors alike look back and forth from the stoic and hardass CMO to the grinning Captain, not believing what they just heard.

Bones stared at Jim for a second before he groaned slightly.

“You’re not telling me we actually forgot, are you?”

“We sure did honey,” Jim took great pleasure in watching Bones’s underlings flinch as he said the pet name, and pointedly ignored Bones’s glare.

“Stop that.”

“Stop what, dear?” Jim looked innocently back and fluttered his eyelashes for good measure. 

He turned around to look at his watching crew, “Don’t call HR, we are technically married.”

Bones groaned loudly, glaring at Jim, “You know what. What are we meant to do now?”

Jim shrugged as he reached forward to take Bones’s hand and place the flower in it as he stared down in disgust. Jim turned and waved his way out the door before he could give it back.

“It’s no big deal, we’ll just remember to get a divorce this time round,” Jim turned around to point a stern finger at Bones, “But I am not splitting the ship in the divorce.”

3.

Jim, Spock, Uhura, Bones and three security officers were on a mission.

Pike had assigned them to come to the planet Qhel for a diplomatic mission.

The Qhel’s had been introduced to the Federation before but were wary of joining. Now it was Jim’s job to convince them it was a great idea. 

The brass were pushing for this in particular due to the planet’s natural source of dilithium. All said there was a lot of pressure being placed on Jim, especially as he and his crew were still new at the game. 

To get this deal would further cement not just to the Admiralty, but to the whole Federation that Jim was no longer that twenty-two year old who walked into bars looking for a fight. 

This led to Jim doing a lot of research on the planet, in hopes of not insulting anyone. Uhura had helped him with compiling the information but unfortunately Jim hadn’t had the opportunity to go through it in full, as the mission had been last minute and he spent a majority of the two day journey dealing with a problem in engineering.

Jim could only hope that he had learnt the most important information and be glad that he had somebody like Uhura by his side. He found himself being particularly grateful for his communications officer as she stepped forward in his stead to perform the complicated greeting that he would've mostly certainly messed up. 

Jim watched them communicate in a tongue he did not recognise and observed the Qhel who was Lady Lyons, ruler of the planet. Ultimately, the Qhels looked a lot like humans although they had tails and sharp teeth, along with markings like that of a cat in their hair. Jim also noticed they were being quite…rude with Uhura. 

Uhura didn’t seem bothered by this treatment, but Lady Lyons only replied in curt answers and was looking over her shoulder rather than right at her as her tail flicked back and forth.

Eventually, Uhura nodded back to him at the end of the greeting even as the Qhel remained impassive and gestured for him to come forward. 

“Are you connected?”

Jim’s brain fizzled and he turned to look calmly at Uhura, silently requesting a translation.

“On this planet Captain,” Uhura began, “a Qhel child only becomes an adult once they are married. Until such a point, a Qhel child has a rather…limited voice in society.”

“ Ah ,” Jim thought and looked around at all the now obviously paired up Qhels, “ Single people are not taken seriously .” 

This was obviously a major problem, if Jim was going to be able to make any headway with the Qhel, he needed to be taken seriously. Jim felt a mild panic, it was bad enough that most people already misjudged him because of his age, he didn’t need them to judge him for being single as well.

Uhura cleared her throat, “Captain.”

Jim’s vision centred on her again and he watched as she tilted her head in Bones’s direction.

That was correct, they had forgotten again. Bones frowned at Jim as he watched his face split into a wide smile.

Jim turned back to Lady Lyons, “Yes I am married–connected, my Lady.”

Lady Lyons finally met Jim’s eyes and smiled, revealing sharp fangs.

“That is gracious news, may I inquire as to which of your crew it is?”

Of course she expected it was one of those near him. From what Jim could tell, the Qhel were fiercely codependent.

Jim’s smile stretched on his face as he turned to look at Bones who looked exasperated.

He reached out a hand and Jim could see how hard it was for him to not let out a sigh. Bones stepped forward like the good husband he was to stand hand in hand with Jim.

“Lady Lyons, may I introduce you to my husband and CMO, Leonard McCoy.”

Bones nodded in greeting as Lady Lyons swung her arms wide in joy, “What an auspicious pairing, you compliment each other well.” She tilted her head, “Though I dare say you seem... incomplete”

Jim ignored the slightly ominous words, “Thank you, my Lady.”

Lady Lyons stuck her hand out behind her to bring forth her partner. She was dressed in fine green robes that accentuated the dark brown markings in her hair.

“This is my connected, Lady Kyrn”

Jim inclined his head and squeezed Bones’s hand. 

“Pleasure to meet you, my Lady.”

Lady Kyrn smiled softly and bowed to Jim and Bones before looking back and nodding at a young Qhel.

The young Qhel approached holding two crowns made of flowers. One was composed of blue flowers, the colour of a Spring day like back in Iowa. Whilst the other was the deep orange of leaves in Autumn.

Jim looked at the approaching Qhel as they stopped before them, kneeling after Uhura hissed it at him as he dragged Bones down with him.

Jim calmly accepted the blue flower crown being placed on his head and internally sighed in relief as Uhura nodded in approval.

Lady Lyon stepped forward to address Jim, “Captain please accept this token of our people. On our planet our elite class wear these crowns as a symbol of their power. Hence we have gifted this one to you, in honour of your role as Captain, and presented one to your connected for his link to you.” The Qhel stepped back with a bow. 

She was telling the truth and Jim noted all the Qhel wearing varying flowers, some even had it braided into their hair instead when it was long enough. Lady Lyon and Kyon appeared to be the only ones wearing purple flowers whilst others wore green or blue and orange like Jim and Bones.

“Thank you for this honour and your hospitality my Lady.” Jim returned the bow smiling as Lady Kyrn nodded approvingly. He may have missed the part about the importance of marriage in his briefings, but not the respectful bowing part.

As Lady Lyon turned to begin leading them on a tour of their palace, Jim turned to grin at Bones. 

Jim’s eyes caught on the orange in his hair as it brightened like a halo around Bones’s head and he thought of sunsets in Georgia. He couldn’t help but stare at Bones, before he shook his head and sighed tugging on Jim’s hand to keep him moving. 

-

Overall, the talks went well. Jim managed to convince the Qhel’s to join the Federation and to provide dilithium in exchange for the Federation’s protection and access to trade routes.

Jim couldn’t help but think part of the success was due to how he and Bones sold their relationship. They didn’t go crazy, they were still at work, but they followed the Qhel’s cues for the PDA. Often this just meant hand-holding, or arms around shoulders or kisses on the cheek. Bones and Jim didn’t really care, they did most of this stuff anyway even as the others had a little laugh at their expense.

Jim actually had a few things to bring up with Uhura. At the party celebrating the end of the peace talks he had asked her why she did not warn him of the marriage thing. She replied that she had not realised he wasn’t able to read the entire briefing, and thought it of no consequence anyhow as McCoy would be there.

“The best thing,” Uhura said smugly, “was that it wasn’t even a lie. Who knew your inability to get a divorce would come in so handy?” 

Jim had walked away after that, hands thrown in the air but not before he heard her say, “and it’s not like you had much issue in going all the way with it.”

Jim’s ears burned as he walked back over to Bones.

“You alright Darlin'?” Bones asked, eyebrows raised.

Jim reached over and stole his drink as Bones put an arm over his shoulder to draw him close.

“I need less insubordinate crew members,” Jim grumbled.

“If you’re talking about Uhura, you probably deserved it.”

Jim tilted his shoulder in agreement as he sipped from the glass, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Bones laughed softly and reached up to adjust Jim’s crown which had fallen slightly and which they had been expected to wear everyday the past week of negotiations.

Jim grinned at the action and ignored Uhura’s smug grin across the room.

As Jim looked further around the room he noticed a lot of his crew members (who had come down for the final party, leaving only a skeleton crew on the Enterprise) staring at him and Bones.

Jim thought it best to ignore it, chalking it up to seeing two superior officers showing PDA.

He shook his head and told Bones he was going to get another drink.

As Jim walked up to the bar, he greeted Spock. Spock had been great this entire trip. Jim’s whole thing was charming people, but he had to admit it was nice to be able to rely on someone who wouldn’t mess things up when he needed a break or when he faltered.

“Captain.” Spock nodded.

“Hey Spock, enjoying the festivities?”

“Indeed Captain, as is the rest of the crew it seems.” 

“Yeah,” Jim looked at a group of crew who turned to whisper to each other whilst throwing looks back over at him and over to… Bones?

“Hey Spock.” Jim fidgeted with his glass, “Have you noticed the crew being a bit odd toward me? And Bones?”

Spock arched an eyebrow, “I have noticed that on average they look at you and Doctor McCoy five times more than normal.”

“Right, Right. You don’t know what’s going on do you? Is it because people heard we’re married but we aren’t really and–actually they know that dont they? Is it the PDA then, because that is coming from a place of professionalism, so I’m really hoping those looks don’t mean, ‘We need to talk to HR.’”

Spock blinked heavily at the end of Jim’s tirade as Jim started back a bit desperately.

“Jim,” Spock started slowly, “You do not need to worry. That is not the issue.”

“Then what is?” Jim exclaimed and lowered his voice as it attracted more attention, noticing as eyes lingered on him. He repeated in a whisper, “There is an issue, but what is it?”

Spock looked very much like he had swallowed a lemon.

“Captain, as you know Vulcans do not lie, and they believe that not addressing an issue directly is only illogical and pointless.”

Jim nodded at his words.

Spock’s eyes flickered to the top of Jim’s head, “You look highly aesthetically pleasing with your flower crown, Sir.”

“What?” Jim asked, eyes wide, “What does that mean?”

“Your flower crown accentuates both you and Doctor McCoy, a majority of the crew have taken notice.”

Jim’s mind spluttered. 

“Spock, are you– are you seriously saying that the crew is looking at us so much, because they think we look…good?” Jim’s voice got quieter towards the end, looking around paranoidly at his crew.

“I thought this would be a usual occurrence, Captain. Thus I do not understand your disbelief.”

Jim stared at the Vulcan, had he really just…?

“I mean sorta, Spock,” Jim ran a hand through his hair, “but not like this, on this level, by our crew.”

“What did the hobgoblin do to ya?”

Jim turned around in shock and grabbed Bones by the arms, ignoring sighs from a close group of crew.

“Bones.” Jim stated seriously.

“What, what’s going on?” Bones was starting to look panicked, so Jim turned and gestured to Spock to explain.

“I was just explaining to the Captain the reason for all the stares tonight.”

Bones blinked, “Because he looks pretty, right?” 

Jim gaped at Bones, “What?”

Bones crossed his arms and looked at him like he was an idiot, “It's those baby blues darlin’, they look charming on a usual day but now you got a matching set of flowers on your head.”

“Are you really saying they bring out my eyes?” Jim crossed his arms back at him

Bones scoffed. Jim bristled. 

“You’re one to talk, I wasn’t just asking Spock about the looks at me, I was also asking about the looks at you.”

Bones went slightly red, “Yeah, so what?”

“So what? I don't know,” one of Jim’s arms gestured through the air, “the orange in those flowers really suits you?”

Bones face palmed, “Jim, what are we even doing?”

Jim froze, “I don’t know.”

“It would be best if you just ignore it, Captain. The crew will get over it.” Spock interjected.

“Yeah Darlin’, don’t deprive the crew of their show, I didn’t take you to be a cruel Captain.” 

Jim glared at Bones before reaching up to take off his crown. Jim looked around as he heard the groans and mutterings. He stumbled back into Bones’s a little and he steadied Jim with a hand at his side as Janice Rand came stalking up to him. She grabbed the crown and pushed it back on his head, Jim floundered before he thought to push the rim of the crown back up so he could see. Rand stared at him sternly.

“Don’t even think about it, not for the rest of the night.” Rand’s eyes shifted to stare at Bones, “You as well.” Bones only raised his hands in defeat.

She nodded at both of them before she stalked away to be congratulated by a group of crew, including Uhura. Who kissed Rand’s cheek and wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Did that really just happen?”

“Yes Captain,” Spock sipped at his tea.

Jim tilted his head and eyed him, “You know Spock, I reckon you could be equally distracting if we got you a crown.” 

Jim laughed as Spock's head snapped to face him and look at him as though asking him to dare.

It was only after Bones looked at Spock, tilted his head, and said, “I think the green would look good,” that Jim spit out his drink and Spock blushed green.

4.

Jim didn’t feel this much dread when he was about to go onto the Narada on the rescue mission for Pike. Speaking of which, Jim had gone to the man with his predicament in a non Admiral-Captain capacity and felt only slightly soothed as he had nodded sympathetically but ultimately was unable to do anything. The Enterprise was the nearest ship.

Jim gulped subtly as he nodded to Scotty at the transport controls. Jim felt something push into his side and he looked over at Bones. 

Bones tilted his head. Jim nodded back, it was not going to be pleasant at all, but Jim was no coward, nor was he really afraid, This was just going to be all kinds of uncomfortable.

As the Captain of the USS Turton materialised on board Jim moved forward with a grin to shake Captain Percy Faraday's hand. Jim liked this Captain, he was older than Jim and more experienced but he had never once patronised Jim when talking to him. He was able to acknowledge that Jim, whilst new, was no idiot either.

It was only as another figure materialised that Jim’s smile felt stretched thin. He remained looking at the other Captain and greeted him, whilst ignoring the other figure.

“Thank you for the assist, Jim.”

“More than happy to help, Percy.” 

Jim moved to introduce his crew.

“This is my First Officer Spock,” Spock nodded in greeting and Jim gestured at the transport console, “our Chief Engineer, Montgomery Scott, and our CMO, Leonard McCoy.” 

Jim couldn't help but notice the jerk of the head to Percy’s right to stare at Bones, he felt slightly unnerved.

Percy nodded at each introduction and gestured to a woman to his left.

“This is my First Officer, Amelia Brown, and,” Percy grinned wide, “I’m fairly certain you know my Chief Engineer.”

Jim held a smile on his face but it was small and it hurt to keep in place. 

“Right of course,” Jim laughed jerkily as he turned to face Winona Kirk.

Jim was almost considering it, saying some variation of “Hey mum.” 

But as he noticed how even all these years later–after almost ten years of not seeing each other–she still could not look him in the eyes.

Jim had been told constantly growing up, how much he looked like his father, even when he wasn’t older than ten. Jim could remember, at memorial events, how he looked up at larger than life photos of his dad and be confident of how he would look when he was older. 

To be almost the same age as his dad was when he died, Jim knew most people wouldn’t be able to see a difference between the two. 

His mother should be able to, should know the two of them enough to separate them into all the ways they were different. 

But his mother had never learned, she was actually the most unaware, as she had always seen a ghost in Jim’s place.

Jim couldn’t blame his mother for missing his dad, he was the love of her life. But he could blame her for doing what his dad had done–choosing to die for another.

She couldn't even look him in the eyes, and Jim didn’t feel like being an adult here. 

So his smile stayed frozen on his face and he stood tall and sternly, “Lieutenant Kirk.”

His mum jumped at his voice and he raised an eyebrow, at least now he knew his father and him had the same voice. 

Percy looked between the two quizzically, his First Commander even had to move over to nudge his mother.

She swallowed deeply and looked over Jim’s shoulder.

“C–Captain Kirk.”

That’s right, now that Jim was Captain, he was in the exact position his dad was when he died, maybe his mother worried he was only so much closer to fulfilling some prophecy that said all Kirk’s die when they become Captain.

Jim stared at her for a few moments more, knowing that his gaze was often piercing with those blue eyes he got from his father. He then turned to Percy and gestured to the door.

“If you’ll follow me, the sooner we begin the meeting, the sooner we get your ship fixed.” Jim looked over to Bones, “Dr McCoy, confer with the Turton’s CMO and determine what medical help they need.”

Bones nodded silently as he watched Jim smile serenely to such an extent it was tense. 

Jim watched as Spock and Bones exchanged looks and at how Scotty and the Engineering crew shifted nervously.

Percy looked confused and slightly unnerved but nonetheless nodded, he walked out of the room with Jim following closely behind. 

He didn’t spare a glance back.

-

“We can spare some of our engineering crew to assist in repairs and give yours some respite.”

The USS Turton had encountered Klingon warships. Whilst they had been ultimately successful, they had still incurred sizable damage and significant loss of life to such an extent that the Enterprise was hailed to provide assistance.

“That will be much appreciated Jim, with your assistance and the supplies you brought, our ship should be operational in a week or so, from there we’ll go to a Federation station.”

Jim nodded, it was a solid plan. The meeting had gone smoothly. Like Jim said, Captain Faraday was a good guy and they had mostly handled the discussions between the two of them. However when opinions of Percy’s Chief Engineer were needed, the response was always aimed at anyone but Jim, even if he was the one to ask the question. 

Everyone had pretty much realised that he and his mother weren’t on the best of terms, but they were all professional enough to move around the topic. Although at times, Jim could see Amelia Brown stare at his mother incredulously at her behaviour, whilst Percy just looked oddly at Winona.

“The Enterprise will also provide accommodation for as many as we can take due to the damage to your ship.”

It really didn’t sound like a good idea to be living on a ship that essentially had a lot of holes in it and a lot of malfunctioning life support systems. Often you just had no choice and had to be extra careful, but right now it could be somewhat avoided with the Enterprise's help.

“That’s a good idea Jim,” Percy looked down. “I think it would be a great idea for some people to get off board, a lot happened there.”

The mood turned sombre, the USS Turton had lost a third of its crew. A loss on a Starship was never easy, but a third meant that practically everyone on board had known someone who was now gone.

“I’ll get my Chief of Security to sort accommodation out with yours and my Chief Engineer will be more than happy to go over repair strategies with you, Lieutenant Kirk.”

Jim looked to his mother as he said this, mostly just to prove how grown-up and professional he could be.

Winona continued to look down, which, seeing as that could be considered insubordination, forced Amelia to nudge his mother, hard. She jerked to look up and accidentally made eye contact with him. She went pale and she clutched her arm rests, unable to look away.

“Winona, are you alright?” Percy asked worriedly as his Chief Engineer went catatonic.

Jim laughed softly and shook his head, Winona flinched. 

Percy and Amelia looked over at him and it clicked. Jim only stared back at them as they floundered, almost daring them to try to penalise him for existing, just as Frank had done before.

The room slunk into silence. Eventually Jim sighed, being the bigger person as he often was in these circumstances.

“As we have sorted out our next plan of action, I think it would be best if we get to it. We can report back on our progress this time tomorrow.”

As soon as Percy had nodded his assent, Winona stood suddenly and rushed from the room. Amelia and Percy exchanged a look before Amelia went to follow her. 

The rest of them stood and Percy opened his mouth and closed it. 

Jim sighed. 

“It’s best to just ignore it. It should only be for a week.”

Percy brows furrowed but he still had not found words. He nodded and turned on his heel to go out the door. 

Scotty also rose from his seat and shot one quick look at Jim before exiting with a quiet, “Captain.”

Jim stared after them and watched the closed door.

“Captain?”

Jim turned to face his First Commander by his side.

“Spock.”

“Are you.. Alright?”

Jim laughed sharply, Spock's features went taunt.

“Believe me Spock, I’m never the one most hurt by that encounter.” Jim stood and walked to the door but stopped when Spock spoke.

“I am a Vulcan, Captain, and as such I believe emotions to be illogical.” 

Jim’s fists clenched. 

“But I am also half-human, and my mother was one of the few things I allowed myself to admit to care for.” 

His eyes burned.

“And if my mother weren’t able to look me in the eyes, I don’t think I could act as casually as you, in the same circumstance.”

Jim looked upward. 

“The difference, Spock, is you would feel like that because your mother was a mother to you. You’d care if that changed,” Jim turned to face him with fire burning all over, “I don’t care, because this is normal, this is a constant I could always rely on even in the middle of the unknown.” Jim gestured out the window at the twinkling stars.

“It may be normal, but you still experienced the absence of a mother.”

Logic, Jim was sick of fucking logic. 

“I don’t need a therapy session about this Spock. I made my peace with it a long time ago. There is no point in wishing for something that will never happen. It is what it is.”

Jim looked to the black expanse outside his window, rather than at Spock, unable to stare anymore at that piercing gaze that reflected his thoughts back at him, asking to draw them out.

“Very well Captain,” Jim looked up as Spock approached, “You know more about the situation than I.” Spock stopped hovering on the threshold. “Although may I say, your mother made a monumental mistake the day she decided not to know you.”

Jim smiled, his first genuine one in a while. He walked forward and bumped clothed shoulders together. 

“Thanks Spock, you really are just a secret sap aren’t you?”

Spock raised an eyebrow unimpressed.

“I do not understand, Captain.”

“Oh come on, all you said, it was pretty sweet, and even, dare I say… emotional?”

Jim clasped his hands together in mock adoration and nodded at a passing ensign.

“Even if such a thing occurred Captain, since it happened without witnesses, I dare say no one would believe you.”

Jim let out a shock of laughter that seemed to please Spock.

“Well, not just a secret sap, but a sneaky one too!”

-

Jim walked into med bay and made a beeline for Bones. 

“Honeybun!” Jim said in a mock sing-song voice grinning when Bones sighed deeply.

“Please stop.”

“Never.”

Bones looked Jim up and down, Jim was tempted to ask if he was checking him out but decided against it as Bones had a full supply of hypos behind him.

“You’re more…cheerful, then I was expecting.”

Jim shrugged as he followed Bones into his office as the door shut behind them.

 “Yeah well, it wasn’t going great, believe me. But after, Spock actually said some stuff that made me feel better.”

“The hobgoblin did?” 

Jim twirled in the chair across from Bones, “Yeah I know right, not what you’d expect but he said some really sappy and helpful stuff.”

Bones shook his head but decided to go along with it, “So you managed to sort everything out?”

Jim knew Bones wasn’t talking about his mother and him.

“Yep, we’ve got a game plan, should maybe take a week then their ship will be able to get back to a base by itself. You?”

“The other CMO basically had things sorted, but I lent a few nurses to help out.”

Jim nodded as Bones reviewed files on his PADD.

Jim twirled and looked around the room, it was filled with grisly but informative medical posters.

As Jim stared at a diagram of the human heart he said, “I think Percy and Lieutenant Brown got the general picture by the end of it.”

“Oh?” Bones said, looking up.

“Yeah, the whole thing was awkward but then she looked at me and well, ya know.”

Bones nodded sympathetically, “I’m sorry Jim.”

Jim waved a hand offhandedly, “Really it’s okay Bones, I resigned myself to losing both parents a long time ago.”

“Doesn't mean she isn’t still a ridiculous bitch.”

Jim laughed, Bones had always been particularly salty about Jim’s mother ever since he found out about her treatment of her son, which was to say, practically non-existent.

“Yeah, true. I honestly thought she might be able to drop it since we’re in a professional capacity, but no. It was so bad I think Brown was considering a full dressing down right then and there.”

“What I would've paid to see that,” Bones sighed dreamily. 

“Yeah, I mean, I know losing dad would’ve been hard, but… it’s been almost twenty-seven years.”

“It’s terrible, but some people are just never able to let go, even if it means hurting everyone else around them.”

Jim nodded and fiddled with a pen on Bones’s desk. 

“Either way, sometimes you just have to move on, be an adult or a professional or a parent.”

Jim pushed back from the desk.

“Oh well, it is what it is sometimes.” Jim stretched as he stood, “Anyway, I need to get back to Bridge, see you for dinner?”

“See you then,” Bones said, watching after his friend.

-

Jim was laughing over dinner with the rest of the senior crew when he saw Spock go stiff across from him. Both he and Bones looked behind them to see Winona Kirk, along with the rest of her senior crew entering the mess hall. 

Right. Their mess hall was broken and Jim said their crew was welcome here. Darn him and his big mouth.

Jim and Bones turned back round to face Spock. They all looked at each other.

“Your mother is here.” Spock eyebrows said.

“I can't believe she dared to show up here, on our ship,” Bones’s grimace said.

“I’m so fucking done,” Jim’s hand through his hair said. 

The rest of the crew was looking between the three of them.

“Oh shit,” Jim whispered slowly and they all reacted by inching closer as though they were trying to hide secrets, “Am I expected to invite their senior crew over?” Jim looked frantically at Spock, hoping he could get away with not doing it. It would be the polite thing to do, but Jim really didn’t want to do it.

Spock said nothing which was answer enough, Bones on the other hand was vehemently against it.

“Nope no way, they can just take a table for themselves. It's not a big deal.”

“What,” Uhura hissed at them, matching their volume, “is going on here?” 

The three of them flinched slightly and shifted to look at Uhura who looked expectedly back.

“Well? What’s wrong with Captain Faraday? I thought you liked him?”

“It’s not him I have a problem with,” Jim muttered.

Uhura was still confused and she, Sulu and Chekov looked back through the other group. Scotty, having been there for the introduction, could already guess.

“Don’t all look,” Bones whispered, “That’s drawing too much attention.”

It was pointless anyway as Chekov gasped suddenly.

“Vait, I’ve seen her pictures before. Keptin, is that not your mother?”

“Oh yeah,” Sulu said, “she’s always been in the picture for the Kelvin memorial next to..” here Sulu trailed off as he remembered who he was talking to, Jim raised his eyebrows as he awkwardly cleared his throat.

“Why are you hiding from her, it’s your mother?”

“I’m not hiding,” Jim straightened before immediately ducking again when he caught the sound of her voice.

Uhura looked pointedly at him. Jim sighed. This was his crew, he trusted them with his life, he could trust them with a few details about it.

“Look, we just have a bad relationship.”

The others stared back at him and Chekov tilted his head.

“We–look” Jim wiped sweaty palms on his pants. “You all know about the deal with my dad, yeah?”

There was a chorus of agreements around the table whilst Bones and Spock looked at him.

“Well, my dad was the love of my mum’s life and I guess it kind of broke her?” Jim sucked in a breath. “And I- well, I look a lot like him…”

Jim trailed off into silence unsure if he explained it correctly but he gathered they got the gist. Uhura’s hand rose to her mouth to cover mouth and Sulu breathed in deep whilst Chekov looked like he was in pain.

Jim wanted that look gone and tried to joke, “It’s no big deal honestly, it just makes family reunions a little bit awkward.”

None of them looked like they were amused by him and he couldn’t blame them. Even though he had spent a majority of his life lying to himself that it didn’t matter, it had only gotten harder to pretend when he only became more and more aware of how his mother acted around him. It was part of the reason he’d run away at sixteen. Well, that and Frank.

Jim sighed at their continued sad looks. He didn’t want that, he didn’t like pity.

Jim turned to escape it and waved when he and Percy made eye contact.

He was a Captain. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t hide from his duties.

“Jim, are you sure?” 

Jim shrugged, “we’ve got a job to do, time to show hospitality to our guests.”

His crew all sat up straighter and narrowed their eyes as if preparing for battle. Jim huffed a laugh at them, he had the best crew.

“Captain Faraday.” Jim greeted and nodded at his crew. “Please, join us, there’s plenty of room.”

Faraday laughed, looking like he had forgotten the earlier awkwardness, “Thank you Captain.”

Faraday’s senior crew arranged themselves around the Enterprise’s crew, as they shuffled around to fit at the long table.

Jim was focused on his food but noticed his mother trying to make her way to the furthest point from him, but Amelia Brown actually took his mother’s arm and despite protests, led her to sit a few seats away and opposite from Jim. Jim raised an eyebrow at his mother, then at Amelia, who only shrugged and sat down as though daring him to speak.

Jim accepted this. He wasn’t the one with a problem, it was his mother. Speaking of, she was staring at her food, poking it with a fork, refusing to look up at anyone, even if it was in the opposite direction of Jim. 

Jim noticed his crew as well as a few of the USS Turton looking between him and Winona. Her crew must’ve pegged something as wrong considering mother refused to look at son. 

This is what Jim always wanted, an awkward family reunion with all his colleagues thrown into the mix. Boy if only Sam was here, then he’d also have the brother who abandoned him here for the show.

Jim only plastered the same smile he had one from before and turned to Faraday who was one of those looking.

“So, Captain, where are you from?”

Faraday lit up as he launched into a story about his home town in Britain, which was bitterly cold but had only increased his love for adventure due to the foggy hills he lived near.

Soon the whole group was in conversation with each other. Winona was even drawn into a conversation herself but still she refused to look towards Jim.

“And then Jim blew it. After spending the whole semester faking being a dumb blonde, he was a bit late to class and in his frazzled state he made the mistake of taking one look at the board before giving the right answer.”

Jim blushed slightly as Faraday and his CMO, Jones laughed.

“You almost had it Kirk.”

Jim could only shrug helplessly as they continued to laugh at his expense.

“So you two have known each other for a long time? Since the academy?” Jones questioned.

“Oh yeah, we met at the start of first year when Bones vomited on me in the shuttle on the way there. Twice.” Jim laughed as Bones turned red, revenge was sweet.

“When did you get married?” a soft voice spoke from a few chairs opposite Jim. 

Jim startled and choked a little, partly in shock at the question and who had said it.

“Sorry?” he said as Bones thumped him on the back.

The whole table silenced as they looked back and forth between the two.

“I heard in the news, your name–it's now Kirk-McCoy.”

Screw Jim’s life.

“Oh. Yes.” Jim cleared his throat, “We kind of are.”

“Kind of?” Winona asked, eyes on the wall behind him.

“Well it’s kind of a long story, and kind of an accident?”

“Oh. Well. I’m sorry I missed it.”

Jim blinked. There’s no way she was being serious.

“It’s no issue,” Jim spoke slowly, “It was a very, very small affair.”

Winona nodded before looking back at her food, at Amelia and then she got up and walked out the door. Jim stared after her. He looked at Amelia and considered. Had she forced Winona into this? 

Jim didn’t need that. Not now. He needed that when he was seven and crying over a skinned knee and his mother couldn’t hold him without breaking herself. 

He needed that when he was fifteen and he was coming back from Tarsus IV, a place his mother had sent him to in the first place. 

He needed his mother because it was impossible for his dad to be there. He needed her to hold him and comfort and encourage him and tell him he wasn’t a waste of space.

He didn’t need her to be a good mother now, not when he had already learnt how to be on his own. He was angry at Amelia for interfering and he was angry at his mother. Although he had long since stopped expecting anything, he was angry that the first time his mother actively spoke to him in years, was because her commanding officer pushed her into it.

Jim was done. He could feel twenty seven years worth of anger and sorrow pushing to the surface. He was pissed at himself for feeling like this and pissed that he was feeling like this when he was on the Enterprise and supposed to be at work.

But if Winona could get away with being unprofessional and curt to a superior officer then Jim didn’t really care anymore. 

He shook his head as he realised he’d been staring at Amelia for a while who was starting to look uneasy, he looked towards Bones who had nudged him to reality. He placed down his fork and politely excused himself from the table.

“I’m sorry, I have some work to attend to.” He kept his tone level even though it probably didn’t matter. Everyone would guess it was a lie. 

Still, Jim kept his back straight as his hands swung by his side. He walked down the corridor, nodding at the crew as he went. Jim ducked into a conference room and asked the computer there about the whereabouts of Lieutenant Kirk. Jim didn’t know what he’d do if she had already gone back to her ship but no, there she was, alone in the observation room. Jim turned on his heel out the door.

Jim could see her through the window, staring at the stars that she left him for, the stars that they both loved. The door banged open and Winona jumped in shock. She whirled around to see him and went pale again.

Now that Jim was here, he didn’t know where to begin. Everyone always thought that Jim Kirk was a hothead and maybe he was. But not for this. Jim had an entire childhood that had beat into his mind that this was something that Jim should avoid. 

So the door slammed shut behind him and they stood in silence.

-

Surprisingly Winona was the first to speak up.

“Have you heard from Sam?”

Jim grimaced, “I haven’t seen or heard from him since he left. Don't even know if he’s alive or not.” 

Winona shifted and Jim narrowed his eyes. Usually talking about death and a Kirk was enough to set his mum off, so:

“You’ve spoken to him recently,’ Jim’s voice was flat. Sam had left him. But he came back for their mother. The very one who married the man that drove him away. 

Jim couldn’t understand it. They used to be close, but maybe now–maybe Jim was just a reminder of a bad time to him too, just like he was for their mother. Not a reminder of Frank, no, but of Tarsus. Jim couldn’t blame him. 

It seemed like Jim was marked for death and destruction ever since he was born into it.

Winona looked around the room and bit her lip as she nodded.

“Well?” Jims hands went wide and she flinched, “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine.” Her fingers were twitching, “He’s met someone.”

“Well as soon as I find him, I'll remember to give my congratulations.”

“You met someone too.”

“That’s complicated, like I said it was an accident, we didn’t mean to get married and we’re not actually together.”

Winona seemed to exhale in relief and for the life of him, Jim could not understand why.

“Are–are you relieved?”

“No. I just–I thought you had gotten married.”

“And you were, what? Happy that you didn’t miss me getting married for real?”

Winona shook her head and nodded, as if she didn’t really know for herself.

“Are you serious?” Jim hissed with burning venom. “You couldn’t even bear to come tuck me in at night, but you would’ve been upset at missing my wedding?”

“I just- I wanted to be able to see him happy again.” Winonwa’s voice had dropped off into a near whisper.

Jim was shocked. Like really fucking shocked. He didn’t know where she had even gotten the audacity.

“Well.” Jim forced out, teeth clenched, “Maybe if you had actually put in some effort, you could’ve seen him happy a lot more.” 

Jim started to stalk forward. Winona still couldn't look him in the eyes and Jim felt a wave of anger pass through him.

“You still can’t look at me?” JIm’s voice cracked.

Winona clenched her eyes tight.

“You can’t bear to see such hatred for you on your husband's face, huh?”

Winona recoiled.

“I bet it was different at the start,” Jim was shaking all over, “You couldn’t look at me because I was just a fucking reminder, but now. Now you won’t look at me because you fear your husband would’ve had a reason to look at you like I do!”

Tears leaked out of Winona’s still closed eyes.

“You know I have spent most of my life, sorry for existing. I have spent it keeping quiet about how much it hurt that my own mother,” Jim’s voice cracked, “couldn’t bear to look at me, or hold me, or love me, because you had already used up all that love on a dead man.”

Winona let out a cry and Jim stopped a few feet away from her.

“I’m not going to say some crap about how what happened made me into the person I am today. It did, I guess, but I hate that it had to be that way. I am angry. And I’m tired.” Jim looked down at the blurry floor.

“I’ve made my peace that you won’t change and even if you did, it wouldn't fix anything.” Jims’ chest ached, “That is why, Winona, I don’t want anything to do with you. And I think you’ll have no problem with that.” 

Jim turned around but he was hurting, and he wanted to hurt her even though it would never measure against his twenty seven years of pain. 

So, before he exited he said, “You won’t get to see him happy ever again.”

He slammed the door open, as he heard Winona’s knees crack against the floor and her sobs break out of her chest.

-

There was someone at his door.

“Go away.”

Jim was off shift and there was no alert so whoever it was could go away and let him rot in his self-pity.

Another ring.

“GO AWAY.”

Another ring. 

“FUCK OFF.”

Suddenly the door opened and Jim groaned as he realised who it could only be. 

And lo and behold, Jim was right. There was Bones and Spock in all their scruffy hair and pointy eared glory.

“You know if someone doesn't answer the door after three rings, it's probably time to take the hint.”

Bones scoffed and shoved Jim over to sit against the headboard and Spock sat gingerly on the side of the bed. 

Jim huffed and glared at the both of them as he pulled his blankets higher.

“What do you guys want? This better be good.”

Bones gave him a look that said he wasn’t buying any of his shit.

Jim sighed.

“It was nothing.”

“You did talk to your mother after you left, yes?” Spock inquired

Jim dragged his hands over his face, “Yes okay, and it was a really shitty idea.”

Bones shrugged, “Not exactly, not if you got all of your shit out against her.”

“I kind of did. Apparently she's had contact with Sam even though he hasn't spoken to me since I was fifteen and then she was kind of relieved when I told her we weren’t actually married because she was sad that she had missed it because he wanted to see him happy one last fucking time,” here Jim had thrown his arms up in exasperation, “And she still wouldn’t look at me. I also told her that dad would be looking at her with disgust too and that I wanted her to fuck off and to never speak to me again and how she would never see him happy again.”

“Wow.” Jim looked out from under his hands at Spock and exchanged a look with Bones

“Wow?”

Spock nodded, “You handled the situation admirably and put the Lieutenant in her spot. It sounds like you did a good job.”

“Good job for telling my mother to fuck off?”

“In this case, yes, Jim, she deserved it, so good job.” Bones kicked back on the bed and brought an arm around Jim as he sat up.

Jim began to laugh, he was soon laughing hard and at some point he started crying. Bones pulled him into his chest and allowed him to sob all over his shirt. 

When Jim was finished he sniffed and looked up to see Spock offering a tissue. 

“Thanks.”

“It is of no consequence, Captain.” Jim grinned, understanding his meaning. The three of them lapsed into silence 

“Now we actually have a reason to have a wedding, JIim.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yep, for the reason of explicitly not inviting Winona Kirk.”

Jim laughed and then eyed Spock. 

“It would really stick it to her though, if she missed not one wedding but two.”

Spock arched an eyebrow but agreed easily enough.

“If I must, Captain.”

“Jim, Spock. Jim is fine.”

“If I must, Jim.”

5. 

“As a celebration of the union between our Planet and your Federation, I wish to present to you, Captain, my son.”

Jim was confused but watched the young Ophi descend the stairs behind Leader Mone, the green robes standing out against his dark purple skin. Maybe Leader Mone was just a proud dad?

The Ophi came to a stop before Jim and bowed.

“It would be an honour to join together with you, Captain, in a sign of the union of our two groups.”

The Ophi’s tone was flat and he looked down at the ground with his face pinched.

“Union?” Jim questioned in a quiet voice towards the boy.

“I believe he means marriage, Captain.” Spock said quietly from over his shoulder.

The boy made slight eye contact with Jim before he nodded, brow furrowed in what Jim recognised as anger.

Jim forced a slight smile on his face.

“Crap,” he thought, sometimes there's never a good way to tell someone you’re not interested when that could lead to insulting them and destroying weeks of work. Jim racked his head for an excuse.

“Leader Mone,” Jim sucked in a breath, “You honour me and the Federation with such a generous offer as your own son,” Jim nodded to the Ophi before him who stared blankly back.

“But I am a starship Captain, I must travel.” Jim swallowed, “A lot. It would not be fair on your son.”

Leader Mone shook his head, “No fear, Captain, Jace would be more than happy to accompany you everywhere you go as is his prerogative as husband.”

Jace did not look happy and Jim’s heart went out to him.

“That is an admirable thought, Leader Mone, but I do not think it would be fair to ask such a thing of him.”

Leader Mone looked like he was starting to get frustrated with Jim.

“That is a non-issue Captain, this is an honour in our culture.”

“And I would never wish to insult you, Leader Mone, but, this is where there is a difference in our culture. We don’t…” 

Just hand over people as gifts? Take away someone's right to choose who to be with?

Jim could point out a lot of things wrong with this but none that would smooth over the situation.

Jim could start to hear murmurs around the room. Nobles were whispering behind their hands and Leader Mone looked seconds away from motioning to his guards for Jim and his crew to be seized.

Jim was saved from having to finish his sentence, as an advisor pushed through doors as they opened with a bang. He approached Leader Mone and bowed before coming to talk into his ear.

Jim watched as his face changed through several emotions from shock to anger.

“Captain.” Jim looked at Spock who nodded towards the guards who were slowly circling them.

“Let me handle this,” he whispered.

“You have misled us, Captain.”

“Pardon?” Jim inquired as he truly had no clue what was going on, looking towards Uhura for clarification but she only shook her head back at him.

“You entered into a negotiation with us when you knew you were not free to provide the sacred bind upon our words.”

Jim stood still, “Yep, no. Still have no clue what youre talking about.”

“You are not free to bind with my son as a show of your Federation’s goodwill because you have already given yourself to another. These records do not lie.”

“Oh Fuck,” Jim thought and glanced quickly back at Bones who stood clutching his tricorder. He was still married, and apparently that meant he had misled people who had very deadly phasers pointed at them.

“Look,” Jim tried, “I was not aware that upon the fulfilment of this treaty I would enter into a marriage. It was not in any of our briefings.”

Uhura stepped forward to his side, “The Captain nor the Federation meant any harm, in studying the traditions of your planet it was never identified that your tradition of a union meant marriage.”

Leader Mone stared down his literal beak nose at Jim.

“This is still a grave insult, Captain. To apologise and repair our relationship, you must atone through blood to prove the sincerity of your apology.”

“What?” Bones exclaimed and shoved back the phaser that pushed into his back at his words.

Jim looked back at him as he was opening his mouth and shook his head sternly. Bones mouth clamped shut, though he looked anything but happy about it.

Jim had no choice. It wasn’t even a matter of the treaty anymore, if Jim messed this up it could mean the end of his life and his crew. 

Jim looked at Bones and Spock and Uhura and the two security people who clenched their fists by their side as they stood unable to do anything.

“I will do what I must, to prove my sincere regrets, Leader Mone.”

“Very well,” Leader Mone nodded at the guards and two came forward to drag Jim towards Leader Mone. The others pointed phasers at his crew as they cried out in protest.

“Don’t,” Jim called out to them, “Don’t do anything.”

Jim was forced to his knees in front of Leader Mone and his hands were tied behind his back.

“Through your willingness to provide blood, Captain we recognise the honesty of your apology. To fully atone for your disrespect, I, as the head of our society, will draw blood to replenish the honour you took from us. 

Leader Mone drew from his belt a sharp and jagged knife. Jim didn’t think leader Mone was going to use that to draw a little sliver of blood on Jim’s hand. 

Jim stared at it as he heard exclamations behind him. He could hear Uhura screaming no over and over again. Spock was continuing to defend Jim’s actions and Bones was shouting vile things he was lucky they were ignoring. 

Jim looked over his shoulder and was glad to see the security officers holding Uhura and Bones back, huffing a laugh as one officer covered Bones’s mouth he would not like that. Jim looked towards Spock and saw him standing with his fists clenched, looking like it was taking all his control not to use his strength. It would’ve been pointless and therefore illogical.

Jim could do this, it wouldn't be the first time he got stabbed, and this time it would actually resolve a diplomatic incident. Pike would be so proud. 

Jim stared to the front and dug his nails into his palms as he felt a wetness pool there. 

The dagger glinted in Leader Mone’s hand as he held it back.

“It’s really dramatic to stab someone.” Jim thought privately as the arc of the dagger slowed almost to a stop, “ it’s a lot of blood, surely a simple cut would suffice.”

Jim was debating the pros and cons of atoning by stabbing when pain flared in his abdomen. 

Leader Mone balanced a hand on Jim’s shoulder as he pushed the blade in slowly. Jim’s mouth opened in a gasp but no sound came out.

“There, Captain,” he began jovially, “All is resolved, I look forward to the new relationship between the Federation and Ophi.”

“Fan-fucking-tastic, glad to help.” 

At least that was done, and nobody would be able to say that Jim fucked up, or not put in his all. He’d even resolved a major issue after Starfleet didn’t give him all the data needed.

“The things I do for Starflee t.” Jim thought as his body went numb.

Pike couldn’t even yell at him, although he probably still would. He didn’t like it when he got stabbed.

Jim was patting himself on the back for a job well done when his vision went white as he felt the knife being pulled out, its jagged edges ripping through him.

Jim dropped forward as soon as Leader Mone let go. He curled up on his side and tried to bring his hands up to protect his head but they were caught.

Jim thought he could hear Leader Mone.

Hands started to touch him and he thrashed weakly for them to get off as they pulled him onto his back.

“Shh, Jim, it’s just us.” Jim’s eyes cracked open slightly and he saw red as a cool hand trailed in his hair.

“You’ll be alright Jim. Spock gets us back up there now.”

“Yes Doctor.”

Jim looked around, everything was too bright but he saw three red blobs floating and two blue ones. Jim centred on the blue. 

It had always been his favourite colour. It had always calmed him, whether it belonged to the sky, or the ocean or a uniform. Jim latched onto the blue as one hovered above speaking into a comm and the other shoved pressure on his already painful middle.

Jim gasped out in pain and shifted to get away. Hands continued to brush through his hair and grabbed the side of his face as he felt something soft brush against his cheek.

“Jim, don’t, it's just me, I’m trying to help,” one blue figure looked at another, “call medical, tell them to meet us in the transporter room.”

“It is done, Doctor. Lieutenant Scott is locking onto us now.”

Jim felt a tingle all over his body, he wasn’t sure that was a good thing, until the walls of the Enterprise shimmered into view.

“Dear god, what happened down there?”

“Doesn’t matter right now, where is medical?” 

Footsteps rang out, but they sounded as though they were getting further away, even as more people entered.

“Get him on the stretcher. He needs surgery.”

Jim felt hands on his. He felt weightless and saw blue below black eyes. 

His back thumped on something hard and someone’s hands pressed down. They pushed hard as if though they were desperately trying to push his blood back in.

Jim’s head lazily drifted to the side as he saw red on the floor.

‘No..” Jim gurgled as he tried to push the hand away but his were being held down, “Atone–atone.”

The world was shifting and changing around him.

“No Jim, stop. You have already atoned.” 

Hazel's eyes stared down into his and Jim stared back.

“Is that the Captain?” 

Wind blew against Jim’s face and he shivered.

“Is that blood?”

Jim felt something drip down his sides. 

“Almost…hold on.”

Jim was starting to hear holes in the sounds around him. 

“Hah, holes, like the one in me.” It was a weak joke but Jim chuckled anyway watching as shapes turned above him.

“We’re…you’ll be…Jim.” 

Jim’s abdomen wasn’t hurting anymore but now there was something blocking his face. 

Jim blinked slower and slower.

-

Jim blinked slowly as his eyes adjusted to his surroundings. He looked down to see white on his torso and felt scratchy sheets below him. As he heard beeping and smelt antiseptic he knew he was in the med bay. Jim looked around and saw others in beds and nurses and doctors walking back and forth.

Jim looked to his side and saw an empty seat. He looked to the other side and saw… another empty seat. 

Jim frowned. 

“Captain, you’re awake.” Jim coughed and tried to sit up as he watched Chapel come up to him. She looked down at her comm before she frowned at Jim and gently pushed him back down.

“Don’t bother. You need your rest.”

Jim blinked lazily back at her and looked back to his right.

Chapel sighed at him. “We sent them both off to bed. You’ve been asleep for three days and they haven't moved an inch in all that time.”

Jim arched an eyebrow, “Sent..them?” he forced out as his throat felt weak and his voice was but a whisper. 

Chapel shrugged, “Sent them? Sedated them? Tomayto, Tomahto. Although I do think the Commander wormed his way back to work. Leonard had to concede though; a pesky trait of a human, needing sleep and all that.”

Jim grinned at her and patted her hand as she checked his IV, “Good…job.”

Chapel smiled at him, “Well someone had to take control whilst you were out, Captain.”

Jim turned to the door as he heard footsteps. Jim’s heart monitor started to beep faster and he watched Chapel looking back at it and at Jim as he smiled wide at Spock.

“Hey…Spock.”

“Captain.” 

Spock looked as well put together as he usually did but his eyes were tight even as they gleamed and his hair was slightly askew in the way it only did when he had been running fast. He walked to Jim in a few wide steps, his hands resting near Jim's on the bed.

“How are you?”

Jim opened his mouth to respond before he heard more footsteps, Jim looked to the door and his heart rate spiked up even more. Jim turned a slight bit flushed as he saw Chapel stifle a laugh and watched a few others in the room stare at Jim in consideration.

Jim had shared a room with Bones and saw him at his best and worst; but Bones generally never left his quarters without looking pristine–except maybe with a scruffy beard and hair. Now however, Bones stood in loose flannel pants and a baggy shirt Jim had gotten for him that had a saw and bones image on it. His hair was also askew and it was evident he must have rushed here as soon as he got the call. Jim was shocked he’d remembered to put shoes on.

All in all, he looked–and he would absolutely kill Jim for just thinking like this– adorable. All his hard edges were now soft, showing the Bones that few were lucky to see. Jim didn’t think he was the only one who thought this as he saw the crew–including Spock- looking appreciatively at Bones.

The ends of Jim’s mouth twitched, “what's the rush Bones?”

Bones stopped and pulled himself together, rolling his eyes, “Nothing, except the idiot who got himself stabbed finally waking up.”

Jim rolled his eyes back at Bones, who was going over his vitals and checking his abdomen gently, despite his words. He frowned at Jim’s flush and pressed a hand to his forehead. Jim tried to think cool thoughts and eventually Bones leaned back with a huff. 

Bones looked over at Spock across Jim. 

“He’s going to be fine, especially since he’s finally awake and already being horrible.”

Spock nodded seriously as Jim stared in disbelief. He looked down the bed at Chapel who laughed at him behind her PADD.

“ He is right here. Shouldn’t you be updating him on his health?”

Bones and Spock stared down at him.

“No.” they said simultaneously and Jim was now officially creeped out.

Bones smiled slyly, “I am only updating your power of attorney about your medical status.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “and I am merely discussing your status with my fellow power of attorney.”

Jim bit his lip and shrunk at their combined stares. 

“That was a really fun thing to find out by the way, whilst in the middle of saving your life.”

“I mean–you can always reject it, if you want..?” Jim’s voice drifted off as Spock and Bones resumed looking at him as though he were an idiot.

Eventually Jim couldn’t take it, “What actually happened? I remember getting stabbed and stuff, but how bad was it?”

Bones sighed, “You lost a lot of blood and there was massive damage to your intestine and liver which I and M’Benga managed to repair in Surgery. You were then unconscious for three days, giving your body time to recover.”

Jim nodded “And what about Ophi? I remember Leader Mone saying everything was atoned for. So it should be sorted now.”

“Sorted?” Bones exclaimed, “They stabbed a Federation Captain.”

Jim waved a hand lazily, “Cultural differences.”

Bones shook his head, “the Admiralty can’t just let them get away with that, cultural differences be damned. Pike in particular laid into the Ophi from what I heard.”

Jim flushed as he turned to Spock for further explanation, looking away from Bones’s knowing smile.

Spock stared steadily back at Jim, gazing all over his face before responding, “Although the Ophi considered the situation resolved, Leonard is right. The Federation can not allow one of their own to be injured. Not to mention the Federation’s further contention with the Ophi’s tradition of essentially trading off their people in marriages.”

Jim nodded as he conceded to this, although he was still rather frustrated that their hard work and his stabbing would be for nothing.

“As a relationship would still be highly beneficial with Ophi, the Admiralty decided to send a speciality diplomacy team to try and educate Ophi on our cultural differences and to ease them into picking up general rights. For now, the treaty is on a hold.” Spock cleared his throat, “The Admiralty also wished for me to extend apologies for their mistake in their data.”

Jim sighed hard and banged his head slightly against the bed, “It’s not their fault. It’s just frustrating that we spent weeks down there for no reason and I got stabbed for nothing.”

Bones' face was pinched as he looked at Jim. Jim tilted his head in question but he just ignored him and looked away as Jim frowned. He looked towards Spock who was also staring at Bones, his posture stiff.

“I probably owe Pike a call then. When can I get out of here?”

“You lost a massive amount of blood.”

“Yes I remember that part, Spock, all the blood atonement and stuff.”

“You went through major surgery.”

There was an odd quality in Spock’s voice.

“Don’t really remember that part, but yes.”

Jim looked back and forth between the two of them. Usually Jim could read them like the back of his hand. Spock was particularly hard at first, but he had his tells and Jim had spent the past year learning them. 

They were both a mixture of angry and sad. Jim didn’t like that, he wanted to lean forward and wipe that look off their faces with a hand on their cheek. But his arm was heavy and his eyes were drooping, Jim looked in slight betrayal as he watched Bones remove a syringe from his IV. 

Jim was aware of a hand on his arm and a jolt through his fingers before he drifted off, without an answer to his question.

-

“You’re mad too.”

Pike closed his mouth before he even started as he tilted his head and watched Jim’s face from its position resting on his fist.

“Spock and McCoy?”

Jim sighed and pushed back from the desk as he ran a hand through his hair. “Yes. They've been helping with my recovery but there's just been…” Jim’s hand rotated in the air, “a distance, ever since I woke up.”

“I don’t blame them.”

Jim looked up at Pike and saw him clutching his hands together as he studied them.

“Pike?”

“I wasn’t even there, Jim, I wasn’t watching you die and even I’m a bit messed up over it.”

Jim’s face felt hot.

“What?”

Pike looked up, realising Jim's shock.

Rolling his eyes, Pike said, “Oh honestly Jim, this can’t be news to you. The things I let you get up to and you think I don’t care for you?”

Jim shifted in his seat and looked at Pike's shoulder.

“Jim?” Pike's voice was soft.

Jim shook himself, “it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve almost died.”

“That doesn’t make it any better,” Pike told him gently.

“But, I’m fine now. Why does it matter?” Jim looked at Pike desperately, hoping he could answer all his questions.

“You are, and that is a major relief, but,” Pike looked out the window on his side, “It’s hard enough getting the sight of blood and someone gasping for breath out of your mind, but when you know the person–care for them…”

Jim stared at Pike, it wasn’t that hard. Jim had to put skin stretched over bones and bullets through heads out of his mind every day. People died. 

Pike shook himself and looked at Jim, who was staring silently back. 

“And I’m guessing you were rather callous about it?”

Jim shifted uncomfortably at Pike's knowing look.

“You need to talk to them, Jim. This distance is a side effect of caring about a person who doesn’t seem to care about themselves.”

“I’ve just–” Jim fidgeted, “It’s never mattered before.”

There were always more important things. Jim was fine with that, he never had to matter before because he could take care of himself. Those who were incapable of taking care of themselves mattered more.

“Before you met them?” Jim nodded, “I’m sorry, Jim.” Jim looked up, startled, “I’m sorry that you didn’t have someone for it to matter to before, but you do now. And it's a good thing, not a bad thing.”

Jims returned Pike’s soft smile.

“Thank you Pike.”

“No problem kid.”

Pike adjusted himself and sat up straight.

“Now, onto the yelling part.”

Jim groaned.

-

Jim sat up straight in bed where he was sequestered for the next few days. His body was still weak from the trauma.

Bones walked in first, here to check up on Jim’s health. Spock would be along soon after the end of his shift to check up on him as well.

Jim bit his cheek as Bones began in silence.

They both looked up as Spock entered and Bones nodded at him.

Spock walked forward and stood by Jim’s bed, hands crossed behind his back.

Jim let him stare at Jim all over as if trying to make sure he wouldn’t disappear.

As Bones pulled back to begin to leave, Jim’s hand struck out to grab his wrist.

“Wait.”

“What is it? Are you okay?”

Jim nodded at the questions and waved his hand 

“Yes, yes. I just want to talk to you guys, before you go.”

Bones and Spock exchanged a look before Bones lowered himself to Jim’s bed and Spock remained at his side.

Jim stared at his hands as he began to fidget.

“Captain, are you okay?”

Jim huffed a laugh, “Jim is fine Spock.”

Spock nodded and waited for him to continue.

“Look,” Jim sucked in a breath, “I don’t really know where to begin, but I realise that you guys have been somewhat mad at me?” Jim’s voice went slightly high towards the end.

Bone stared at Jim, “Of course we’re not, Jim.”

“No.” Jim pushed, “You are, and it’s okay, it's understandable. I didn’t really understand why at first, but then I talked to Pike…”

“What did you talk to the Admiral about, Jim?” Spock asked softly.

“About how maybe, being so callous about almost dying isn’t the greatest thing..?”

Bones ran a hand through his hair, “Is that a question Jim, or a statement.”

Jim paused, before he firmly stated, “A statement.”

Bones nodded, “Well, he’s right Jim, it is really fucking shitty.”

“Indeed.”

“I mean you tell us to not do anything when you’re about to be STABBED.”

Jim flinched at Bones' shout.

“It was quite infuriating, Jim.”

Jim stared incredulously, “There was nothing you could do!”

“Still, Jim. We had to stand back and watch as this madman impaled you, god,” Bones ran a hand down his face, “we could see it come out the other side of you.”

Jim blanched, “What? No?”

Spock looked at him sadly, “Yes, Jim. You then stopped moving…”

“You were so still, you’re never still.”

“Then you fell forward.”

“You were bleedin’ a lot. I'm a doctor, when I say it was a lot, I mean a lot.”

“We didn’t know if we could get to you in time but then when we did get back to the Enterprise.”

“You weren’t responding, on the floor talkin’ about atonement and the crew–”

“The crew watched as their Captain bled onto the floor of their ship.”

“And then the surgery. It took hours and litres of blood because you were almost empty of it. You coded on the table. Twice.”

“Then you woke up after days.”

“And you were cracking jokes and already pretending like nothing had happened.”

“If you thought that wouldn't mess us up– if you thought we didn’t care–”

Jim looked back and forth at the two of them as they talked. Bones was holding tight to Jim’s bed and there were tears in his eyes. Spock’s fists were clenched at his side and his eyes were gleaming.

“I’m sorry.” Jim started and stopped. He looked at McCoy’s dishevelled form and at Spock angling his face away. “I never wanted to hurt you, I just– I don’t know how else I am supposed to react.”

“To almost dying? Your natural reaction is just to not care?” 

“No! I do care. Look,” Jim took a deep breath, “I’ve always had a weird understanding of death, I mean, hell,” Jim threw his hands in the air, “I grew up being told that being a hero means dying. And at that point death just seemed like some glorious thing.”

“But not anymore?” Spock asked, eyebrows narrowed.

“Not anymore, it changed– after–” Jim hesitated, Bones knew from his medical records but they had never talked about it, Jim didn’t want to. But as Jim looked at the both of them, shedding tears for Jim, he knew he could and that he would.

“After Tarsus.” Jim stared at them watching their reactions, Bones jerked his head and held an arm close. But Spock, Spock actually lurched back, eyes wide he looked at Jim. Jim waited, for pity, for disgust or something else, he didn’t know, but all Spock did was pull himself together and nod.

Jim continued.

“After Tarsus, I almost died so many times. I watched so many people die, I even–I had to…”

“We understand Jim.”

Jim’s eyes were shut tight, of course they did.

“After that, death just seemed inevitable, it was constant and I just didn’t want to keep dwelling on it. If I died, I died. If I didn’t, I would still die, just later. It didn’t matter.” 

A hand touched his and one landed on his shoulder. Jim opened his eyes to stare at the both of them.

“We understand Jim. We don’t actually blame you for feeling that way or reacting like that.”

“It still…hurt to witness you like that and have you act so callously about your life, as if it were worth nothing. But we understand.”

“We care about you, hell, I can’t speak for the hobgoblin but I love you.”

Spock’s eyes softened, “Indeed.”

“I know.” his voice cracked, “I did, I mean– I do too. I just, I don’t know…”

“Don’t know what, Jim?”

“What–what to do with it.”

Bones tilted his head, “What to do with love?’

Jim just nodded.

It was Spock who spoke up, “You don’t need to do anything with it. Just accept it.”

Jim smiled a small but genuine smile, then he laughed and leaned forward to yank Bones into his lap and a shocked Spock on top of him. 

He wasn’t fixed, one evening couldn’t fix years, but he felt better. 

He was glad that he could now think back on those nights in his childhood when he had wished to the stars in the sky for someone, anyone to care, and be able to know that he had been answered.

He looked at Bones and Spock and smiled. 

He thought of Uhura, Sulu and Chekov and Scotty, and laughed. 

He thought of all the crew on the Enterprise and he thanked Pike softly.

Jim smiled crookedly at the two of them, watching as Bones’s eyes narrowed at him.

Starting to get uncomfortable, Jim spoke up, “What, Bones?”

Bones tilted his head in consideration, he looked at Jim and he looked at Spock.

“Fuck it.”

Bones leaned forward and kissed Jim. It wasn’t their first one, no, but it was the best, this meant something new. Jim gasped in shock as Bones pushed Jim into the bed with intensity Jim clutched at Bones shirt as he lost where he was for a moment. Jim was only just pressing forward to try and get some power back before Bones was moving away, Jim frowned and reached but Bones pulled back, and Spock took his place. 

Spock’s kiss was more gentle, he lifted Jim’s chin slightly and pressed their lips together. But when Jim opened his mouth slightly and pushed for more, Spock turned his head slightly and kissed Jim hard. Jim’s hand went to Spock’s shoulder as his hand shifted to Jim’s hair to angle his head.

Jim was breathless and he distantly watched Spock pull back to press a kiss to Bones, he watched the way Bones grumbled but ultimately sunk into the kiss.

Jim blinked as they parted, returning to sit next to him casually as they were before.

“What?” he said, voice quiet.

Bones shrugged and looked around Jim’s room casually, “Don’t tell me you didn’t like Jim, even you couldn’t pull off a flat-out lie like that.”

Jim blushed red, he was still breathless and reeling from what just happened. 

Spock sat straight on the bed next to Jim, hair too pristine after he just kissed the life out of Jim, “There's no issue, Jim, not if you liked it,” Spock looked up slyly from under his bangs, “Which I’m sure you did.”

Jim buried his burning face in his hands. Jim used to be a playboy, he was meant to be suave and casual in the face of kissing, but this was different. This actually mattered. This wasn’t just sex.

“Oh honestly, darlin’. We are married,” Bones started as he threw a hand onto Jim’s leg, “It’s basically expected for god’s sake.”

Jim narrowed his eyes, at Bones, “Spock isn’t married to us yet.”

Bones shrugged, looking over at Spock, “Something that needs to be remedied I guess.”

“You do want to stay married?” Jim swung around to look at Spock, “you want to get married?”

Spock nodded, “yes, Jim.”

Jim nodded and turned to look at Bones.

He sighed and shifted, “I never really ever planned on gettin’ married again anyway, not after Jocelyn. But this, I don't know,” Bones leaned over to take Jim’s hand, “this is nice.”

Jim nodded as he looked at their joined hands. He looked at Spock as he smiled at Jim and moved forward lightly to touch the tips of their fingers together. Jim felt a jolt of something warm in his chest.

“Okay,” Jim said, “this is nice.”

+1

Jim sipped at his drink as he looked around. He could see his crew dancing all around, laughing, talking and drinking. 

He smiled as he watched them enjoying themselves on their shore leave.

As Jim lifted his glass, metal glimmered on his finger.

“What’s a pretty thing like you doing all alone?”

Jim rolled his eyes at the wholly unoriginal come-on before he turned to glance at his right, looking at a human male wearing a V-neck that was way too low and glancing to his left at another wearing way too much Body Spray.

“Waiting for someone, and no it is not you.” Jim interjected before either guy could reply with another cliche.

“Well, whoever they are, they’re lucky, and obviously not here yet. So why don’t you buy time by talking to me?” V-neck said, placing a hand next to Jim’s head on the wall.

“Because you’re doing this in the hopes of getting sex I am not giving.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that sugar.” Body Spray moved forward, caging Jim in on the other side, “I can be very persuasive.” 

Jim was wholly unimpressed, and chose to ignore the guy. He stared around and watched members of his crew pointing in his direction. Jim wasn’t worried about this, most were probably just eager to watch the show. Hell, so was Jim.

“Oh, come on, baby.”

Jim looked at V-neck and stared directly into his eyes, he smiled sweetly for a second before he dropped the pretence.

“Fuck off.'' The man jerked back at the venom in Jim’s voice and stumbled back even further as Jim stepped forward to continue, “Stop bothering me before I rip that smirk off your fucking face.”

The man stared back in fear as the red light danced across Jim’s face, painting drips of red on his bared teeth.

The man was an idiot, they both were. As soon a Body Spray guy spoke up, V-neck straightened again, confident in their numbers.

“Stop being so rude, we’re trying to be nice but you won’t even talk to us?” Body Spray leaned in close, hand aiming to cop a feel. 

All of a sudden his hand was stopped with a tight grip. The man winced in pain and stared around in shock before he went flying, crashing against the floor.

Jim looked over at V-neck to see a tall figure crowding him into the wall.

“You heard our husband. Fuck off.”

Jim came forward to stand by Spock’s side and Bone stepped back next to Jim.

V-neck only stared back in shock. Jim shrugged and sipped his drink.

“Told you I was waiting for someone.”

Jim, Spock and Bones watched as security came over to hoist up V-neck and Body Spray and drag them out the door.

“Hey, they're the ones who attacked us! Take them out.”

As the security guards passed one turned to grin at them and smiled, “Enjoy your night, Captain Kirk.”

Body Spray’s head jerked up and he looked back at the hero of the Federation who stared steadily back under the now normal lights.

V-neck went pale as he and Body Spray were dragged out the door.

Jim watched his husbands appreciatively as they glared at the men.

They both noticed him looking.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Jim said nonchalantly, “That was just real hot is all.”

Bones groaned and Spock flushed slightly even as he stood, back straight, hands grasped behind his back.

“Come on, let's go.” 

McCoy leaned forward to drag Jim out by the collar as Spock followed.

Jim leaned over to place his glass on an empty table and smiled back at his crew in the club that had gone silent during the commotion.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, kids,” Jim thought about this for a second, “And probably don’t do anything I would do either.”

His crew only laughed at him as he went shaking their heads as they went back to their drinks.

Jim kept smiling even as Bones slammed his back into the wall behind the club and kissed him hard. And he kept on smiling as Spock came to take Bones’s place, pulling on Jim’s hair to tilt his head back.