Archive of Our Own

 Way too many smartasses who need to call pest control in these comments. I’ve actually been within shouting distance of the Batclan on a couple of occasions, but my single one-on-one encounter was with the Second Robin.

[[For those not up on their Batclan Lore, it’s pretty much accepted at this point that there’ve been multiple people going by the name over the years. It’s hard to tell exactly how many because of the whole masks and leaping around rooftops thing, but there’s been four main ones most everyone agrees on. I personally call them Parkour Robin, Shitkicking Robin, Intense Robin, and Sword Robin. Or First, Second, Third, Fourth.]]

  So I was about 14 and going through the standard Crime Alley teenager delinquency phase of petty crime and fucking around. On the night in question, fucking around was taking the form of hanging out by an alley entrance and keeping an eye on foot traffic to make sure no one was coming along who might cause trouble while a group of older guys from my high school traded duffle-bags with a group of older guys from a different high school. It was the standard “Oh hey, we’re going to go hang out, why don’t you come hang out with us older kids and be cool. First, though, we gotta stop off and do this one little thing and we could really use a patsy who can’t run as fast lookout, because you’re cool” thing.

  This was my fourth run as lookout actually, and apparently the older kids thought I had a good eye for the difference between some guy speed-walking down the street because he was late for dinner and didn’t want to get mugged vs some guy speed-walking down the street because he was ready to put the beat-down on kids selling ditchweed to each other on his turf. I had that shit down pat. Look left. Act casual. Look right. Act casual. Repeat until you're told it's time to head out.

  Now, as I said, we were a bunch of highschool kids selling each other ditchweed and bathtub LSD, so it never even began to cross my mind that I needed to include look up into my routine.

  There’s this particular sound sequence you get from a Batclan takedown. There’s this kind of snapflutter like with a flag in the wind. A muffled whumph of impact. Then the *thud*grunt*faintweaze* of someone hitting the floor. Real distinctive.

 ((I’m just realizing how weird it is that I’ve got that sound recorded to sense memory considering how rarely I’ve been in a position to hear it. Creepy.))

 Anyways, I hear that behind me. I startle, turn around, and there’s Shitkicking Robin straitening back up after landing right on top of Other High School’s Big Guy (the one who stands behind Deal Making Guy and looks big at you) and knocking him out on the ground. And even before I process what I'm seeing, the fucker's leaping forward and gutpunching our high school’s Big Guy and sending him down too.

  And the rest of us are just standing there frozen because, what the fuck?? We’re a bunch of teenagers trading each other pills that’re probably fake anyways, why the hell is there a Robin all of a sudden? Shitkicking Robin makes some sort of smartass comment that I cannot remember for the life of me, but it was enough to get both of our Deal Making Guys rushing at him all pissed off. And Robin just does this back-kick flip and snaps Frankie’s jaw against his skull like the pisschump he is, and then everyone else is rushing in to throw punches because why the fuck not at this point, I guess.

  I mean, I didn’t. Partially because I was already like half an alley away from what was going down. Keeping watch at the entrance and all. Second: It’s fucking Robin. Any of those guys, really. They go around punching giant cannibal alligators and murder-bots in the face, what the hell was a 14 year old going to do?

  And also, I have to say this for everyone who hasn’t been there for something like this, it is fucking mesmerizing watching those people fight. I like fighting and I like mostly naked men going at each other, so my friends don’t get why I’m not much into wrestling or MMA, but if you’ve ever gotten to watch a Batfight you'll understand that shit can’t compare. Like, it was just a bunch of high school kids who didn’t know what they were doing, but you got that dude just doing this boneless serpent twist and bend around three different guys’ fists, does a limbo-tilt under a swing, turns it into a back-flip over one of the duffel-bags, grabs the bag as he goes, lands on the shoulders of a fourth dude, wraps legs around throat and flips the both of them back into the pavement, swings the duffel bag and uses that momentum to sort of spin himself off before the guy he knocked down hits the floor, and the bag goes right into the gut of guy #5, sending him spinning into guy #6.

  Like, that’s the move that burned itself into my mind the most, but that was just a part of a whole chain of crazy acrobatic tricks and brutal body-slams. Two guys standing in front of each other going punch-punch-kick doesn’t come close no matter how short their shorts are.

  So it’s ten seconds later and everyone else is on the ground and Robin’s straightening up completely untouched (because why wouldn’t he be at this point) and he turns, and I realize that I’m the only one left standing and he’s still in asskicking mode. So I turn to make a fucking run for it. No way I’m going to try and punch someone who just flipped a dude a foot taller than both of us into a dumpster, you know? But I’m having a fucking freakout by this point and am tripping over my own legs. Near as I can figure, Robin was aiming a flying kick at the back of my knees to buckle me down on the ground kneeling-like, but I hadn’t moved as far as he thought I would by the time his foot reached me, so I got hit in the small of the back, and instead I got shoved forward and my head bounces off the alley wall.

  Corner of the alley, really. Like, right on the corner of the building. The brick building. And mainly this one brick that sort of stuck out a little. Right between the eyes. Pow!

  It’s how I got my scar! Big ol nasty divot right across the third-eye with some nice groddy brick texture if you’re looking up close. Makes me real easy to pick out of a lineup, which is one reasons I try so hard to never be in one.

  So obviously, my memories of the immediate aftermath are a little fuzzy. Pretty sure I tried asking him for an autograph. I mean he was my favorite vigilante out there, even before he kicked my ass.

  I didn’t get an autograph, but I did get an apology patch up of my head-wound, and a little mini-lecture along the lines of “You really need to give this shit up. You know what happens to kids who go around doing crime in Crime Alley? They wind up like this.” and he just gestures at himself top to bottom. “You don’t want that to happen, trust me.”

  So I'm bandaged up, and I'm noticing his arms are real nice (this is back in the days when the Robin costume didn't cover the arms or legs and boy is that noticeable when you've got him kneeling right next to you all worked up from kicking ass) and going "Oh hey, I think we're about the same age!" in my head, and I'm about to do some sort of cheesy "So, hang out here often?" sort of bullshit when what I thought was the weird gargoyle-saint statue on top of the bodega building stands up and there’s suddenly these white glowing eyes looking down at us, and this fucking ‘Black Metal Singer gargling acid’ voice growls “Enough. It’s time to go.” And R2 just gives me this overwrought “You see what the fuck I mean?” look and shrug and then he’s zipping up the side of the building and both of them are out of sight.

 The dufflebags and half the guys were gone by the time I looked back down, and I took that as my sign it was time to get the fuck out of there.

  Never really hung out with those guys again, which turned out for the best considering where they've all ended up since. Got my lovely "Finding Out" scar to look at in the mirror every day to remind myself what happens if you go Fucking Around in Gotham. Honestly, probably one of the coolest nights I've ever had.

  Oh and hey! Fun Fact! This is also the exact same story I use for "How I Realized I'm Gay"!

8.3k Reply Share Report Save