Chapter Text
Katsuki was a bad sub.
It wasn't self-deprecation, just a statement of fact. He didn't fit as a sub. The gods had been drinking when they stirred his personality and biology together and left him with a body in constant opposition with his brain.
The problem was, Katsuki wasn't bad at anything. He worked hard and with a combination of determination and fantastic genes, he was the best at everything he did.
So he would never forget the day he received his dynamic results.
He had known his whole life what his dynamic was, just as he had always known that he was going to be the very best pro hero one day. All Might was a Dom, just like every other great hero he knew (the top pro heroes anyway). Why would he be anything else? Nobody ever doubted his claim. Katsuki had a big personality that nobody would want to tame, a bad fit for a sub. He never gave any indication of being anything other than what he claimed to be.
So when the results of his final placement were placed on his desk. Well…
It had to be wrong. He was sure of it.His first instinct was that he had obviously been given someone else’s results. He read the top of the paper, expecting to find someone else’s name, like Izuku (who clearly couldn’t be anything other than a sub). But no, his name was at the top. Anger rose to his protection, as it always did, like it was his main support item.
Snatching the report off the desk he stood and walked out of the room. He ignored the teacher calling him back and stalked to the doctor’s office, the office that currently housed a state certified doctor who had been sent to their school to do their final tests. This was the last of the testing they did to know for sure, unless someone presented late. Technically this should be the deciding factor, the last assessment that erased any confusion or question to what their dynamics were.
So there was no way Bakugo Katsuki was letting her leave without getting his corrected.
Most of the other students were done and gone. A couple kids from another class (the last to meet with her presumably) ambled out into the hallway as he approached, smiling at each other as they laughed excitedly about their results. He could see one of their papers out of the corner of his eye as they passed by, “Dominant” at the top of the paper. Katsuki wanted to burn it.
He was surprised to see Izuku sitting in the otherwise empty row of chairs against the wall, a sunny row of windows overhead illuminating his troubled expression, slumped in the chair with his middle school uniform creasing from his crestfallen position.
Their class had been called in to take their tests hours ago. He wondered if they had screwed up Izuku’s results as well. He almost laughed at the idea of “Dominant” being printed across Izuku’s paper in his lap. Maybe the universe had once again decided to wrap their lives around each other (the way they always were) like an old ball of string he could never get untangled, and they had gotten each other’s results. That would explain a lot.
He paused in his plan to storm into the room, whatever was being discussed inside be damned, and glared down at Izuku (who seemed more focused on his own thoughts than on Katsuki for once). He wasn't a fan of the silent treatment, unintentional though it may have been. He was unwilling to admit or acknowledge how the nerd's presence always managed to dominate his attention, even when there were more important things he cared to focus on. Ignoring his presence felt like an intentional insult.
“They fuck up your test too?”
Izuku jolted and looked up at him. Katsuki was irritated to see him fold up the top of his paper on terrified instinct, crinkling it in shaky hands. He offered the blond a broken, awkward smile that in no way reached his eyes.
“Oh-Uh, I mean-well, no.” Katsuki groaned internally at the stuttering. He could feel his patience quickly fading as the nerd nervously tried to explain. “They just want to talk to me I guess.”
Katsuki raised an eyebrow. He wanted to rip the paper from shaky hands and force it out of him, forgoing the nonsensical babbling he couldn’t seem to grow out of, but he could feel the anxiety in the back of his mind telling him to solve his own issues first. So Izuku had the surprise of watching Katsuki uncharacteristically drop the issue without a word and throw open the door of the classroom instead.
He slammed the door behind him, because no way was he leaving it open with an over-analyzing nerd in the hallway, and smacked his paper down in front of the teacher with a, “The fuck is this?”
The doctor looked surprised by his audacity as she was interrupted from her discussion with another student, a girl who looked like she was about to cry. Katsuki could see the title “Switch” at the top of her paper (the rarest of dynamics), but he ignored it and focused on the doctor. She raised an eyebrow at him and glanced at his name on the paper to refresh her memory.
“Bakugou, I’m sorry but I’m going to need you to wait outside. I’m in the mid-”
“Shut up. What the hell is this? You know this is permanent right? You trying to lose your license or something? You can’t go around doing a half-assed job with something as important as someone’s fucking dynamic. What did you do wrong?”
Her eyebrows came up and she glanced at the girl. “Look, I really think we should wait so we can sit and talk this through. Give me just a minute here-”
“There’s nothing to talk about. Just fix it.”
“There’s nothing to fix,” she responded in exasperation, forgoing the conversation she was trying to have in the face of his stubbornness.
He felt his blood pressure rising, his palms getting wet as he became more agitated.
“Look at the fucking paper and tell me there’s nothing to fix. Like hell I’m leaving.”
The doctor let out a breath of exhaustion and ran a hand through her brown hair, turning back to the girl. “I’m so sorry about this. Can you step out for just a second? I promise we’ll continue as soon as I’m finished here.”
The girl definitely looked like she wasn’t ready to leave, but she was able to gauge that Katsuki wasn’t going to either. She stood up and took her paper with her, hurriedly stepping out before she could become the target of the crackling and popping starting in the boy's palms.
The doctor sighed once she had gone and rose to her feet, hand still running through her hair.
“Look, I remember your test. I know this is hard to accept, but I’m positive the results are correct.”
He felt a sinking feeling in his chest, as if someone had pulled out the floor from under him without him noticing. But he worked through it, in ardent denial, sure had no reason to feel that way. The doctor was clearly incompetent.
“Do it again,” he demanded.
The woman looked at him with an exasperated yet pitying expression and Katsuki wanted to set off an explosion in her face. “There’s nothing to redo,” she echoed her previous sentiment from before.
Katsuki felt his breathing start to pick up in a way he wasn’t ready to acknowledge. He had no reason to be afraid because there was no way she was correct. She was wrong.
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m not,” she said softly. It might as well have been a yell.
His chest was starting to hurt but he furiously pushed on. “Stop...” He paused and swallowed past sudden tightness in his chest that was completely unnecessary. “Stop jerking me around and just redo the test.”
She stared at him for a moment longer and turned to the desk behind her, grabbing some paperwork and bringing it over to him, along with a bottle of some blue liquid.
“The test we use isn’t like the other ones. When you’re young we do personality assessments, things like that. As you get older we have actual physical assessments to take. Your blood for example.”
She set the bottle in front of him, and he recognized that the papers she had placed before him showed the chemical reaction their blood was supposed to make with the contents of the bottle. Red for Dom, blue for sub, green for switch, a faded pinkish non-chemical reaction for normals (the most common for those with no dynamic). He could see his name in perfect kanji across the blue bottle.
“There’s no way it's wrong.”
Katsuki felt the world shifting around him, things that were supposed to be stationary beginning to warp at the corners of his vision.
“Bakugo, you’re a sub.”
He stood still for several moments, silent in a way he hadn't been for years, but his mind was anything but. She had to be wrong. She had to be. He had known what he was his whole life. How could some blood test know more about him than he knew about himself? How could his body be something that would be so in contrast to who he was as a person? It didn't make sense. What about being a top hero?
He’d never really acknowledged it out loud before, but he and the whole world were aware that none of the top heroes were subs. It wasn’t just that they were considered weaker, the ideas that people had about subs made it so much harder to work up any sort of corporate ladder. Subs were still a small and relatively misunderstood portion of society. Much newer than quirks. The prejudice was strong. Nobody wanted to work with a submissive. It would be so much harder to do… anything.
“Again,” he heard himself whispering, his voice a foreign entity to himself.
“You will get the same-”
“Again,” he said firmly, and this time he looked at her and made himself say a word that he wouldn't say again for years. “Please.”
She paused for too long, and then she let out a breath of anxiety and stated in a rushed tone, “Okay. Sit down here please.”
Katsuki sat numbly but stubbornly in the chair in front of the desk while she went to the door and let the two people outside know that she would need a few more minutes. Katsuki was reminded that Izuku was one of the two and faintly hoped that the little nerd’s curiosity was kept at bay by the girl sitting beside him and that he wasn’t pressed against the door listening.
He mentally scanned their conversation and was relieved they had only actually said the word once but anxious all the same that it may have been heard. The thoughts went in and out of his mind in an instant as he waited anxiously for the doctor to return. He would never admit to the sick feeling in his chest while he waited.
He sat still, continuously unlike himself as she pulled out her needle, drew more blood, and went back to her tests. He was quiet, unsure of how long he sat in frozen silence until finally she walked back in front of him again and, without any words or fanfare, set a blue bottle in front of him.
Katsuki stared at it, feeling a void of darkness he hadn't known existed pull all emotion from his body as his life collapsed around him.
In one moment his every dream was suddenly more unattainable. Humiliation at the very insinuation of the expectations of his dynamic crawled into the corners of his mind, empty hollowness as he wondered how he would explain it to anyone.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
Katsuki rose to his feet, snatching the paper from her desk and leaving immediately, the print “Submissive” crushed in his shaking grip.
Izuku watched him go and for once didn’t stop him. Katsuki never asked to see his paper.
Katsuki didn't tell anyone about his results initially. He was afraid if he acknowledged it out loud that it would be real. That whoever he told would tell other people. That eyes of pity would land on him. That he would have a harder time getting into UA. That his mom would be disappointed. That the idiots that currently hung off his every word would look down on him the way they looked down on everyone else they perceived as weak.
And he was not weak.
He found himself over-analyzing interactions with classmates that were Doms as everyone else received their designations, trying to process his desires and see if he did in fact have any sub traits. He never recognized any within himself and questioned if all subs felt the way he did. If stereotypes against them were nothing but stigma, or if he was just broken in some way.
He still hung out with the Dom students and the normals and the odd switch. Subs he kept away by several emotional yards. Izuku tried to approach him several times after their brief interaction at the doctor's office, and Katsuki's already volatile reactions to him became worse. Less angry and more panicked, masked with condescension to hide the fear as he rendered a picture of his superiority to those around him.
He wasn't like Deku, and the thought of being perceived as such made him tremble with rage. It didn't help when he discovered the secret Dom code on accident, forced to sit through all the private conversations that were somehow universally acknowledged to never say in front of subs. It was like pulling back a curtain to a room he was never supposed to be in. Like wandering around a VIP area for his favorite hero and hearing them talk bad about him without realizing he was there. All he wanted was to be on their side, to be able to laugh and separate himself from the jokes.
But the jokes were never funny.
About a month after he received his dynamic, out in the dusty schoolyard, a sub said a casual good morning to him. The kid hadn't deserved the reaction he had received, had barely acknowledged Katsuki at all, but it had been a bad day. He sent a blast in his direction reactively, and walked away while the boy behind him sat in the dust of the open sport area. It wasn't meant to be bullying, just an angry overreaction, but the Doms and normals that were drawn to him like flies snickered at the sub as they walked around him and kicked at his prone body as they passed. With the boys trailing behind him, Katsuki hurried into the school as casually as possible to escape the scene of what he had started.
It wasn't until they were in the safety of the classroom, teacher not yet present, before they started talking. Katsuki sat down at his desk and propped up his feet on top, chair tipped back and body tense as the rants started before the teacher or any subs could hear.
“Well his dynamic result was definitely accurate,” one of the blond Dom's started, plopping down on the seat across from Katsuki.
“Did you see the look on his face?” One of the other students snickered, sitting down in front of him. “He wasn't even upset. He probably liked it. Bet he would have groveled at Bakugou's feet just to hear a command from him.”
“Have you tried a command yet?” the blond asked him.
“Once on my cousin.”
“Your cousin? That's weird man.”
“Shut up, I was just trying it.”
“What happened?” A third boy, a normal, interrupted.
“He did it. Fell down on his knees and then cried like a fucking baby. It's not like I made him. It was just a command. If he didn't want to do it he should have just said no.”
“Always the Dom's fault right?” One of the other Dom's jumped in, throwing his bag over his chair and sitting down on top of the desk heavily. “Not all subs are that weak. If they can't resist commands they shouldn't be in public in the first place. It's not everyone else's job to adjust everything they do for them. They want to say they're just like everyone else and then get mad when they crumble at a couple words.”
Katsuki felt sick, his stomach rolling as the conversation circled him with the boys talking like hunters that hadn't yet recognized he was prey. He wanted to agree, wanted to echo his own anger towards dynamics with them, but listening to the way the Doms talked when they thought no subs were around was unsettling at best and terrifying at worst. Buried thoughts rose without his consent. What would happen to him if he heard a command? What if it happened around this group? Could he resist?
Anger had always been Katsuki's friend. It was his protector. His defender. His voice of communication. The more anxious he became, the more prominent anger grew beside him, like an old friend keeping him safe. Slowly the fear became enveloped by faultless fury.
He wasn't weak. Of course he could resist a command. He wasn't like the sub earlier, wasn't like Deku or any other worthless wannabe. He was strong and powerful and he was going to be the number one hero. His dynamic wouldn't change that. Maybe what they were saying did apply to some subs, or maybe the Doms were just assholes, but it wouldn't apply to him.
“Did you hear Mr. Yamada's a sub?”
“What?! No way!”
“Think we could get away with a command on a teacher?”
“Dude-”
“Nothing bad, man. Just like a better grade or something you know? Besides, they like it right?”
“I'm pretty sure Mr. Yamada's partner is Ms. Watanabe. She's a Dom for sure. She'd probably get us suspended.”
“Damn that sucks.”
Katsuki tried to ignore it, the way his fury begged to boil over as the Doms didn't even consider backing down from bullying an actual adult until the idea of another Dom telling them off came up.
“Dude, I heard Midoriya's a sub too.”
“That's not a surprise you idiot.”
“Explains a lot. Probably a masochist too with the way he follows you around,” he nodded to Katsuki. “Hey, that's probably why he's obsessed with your quirk. I saw him drawing you in one of his notebooks,” the Dom snickered.
Katsuki swallowed, feeling his heart beat too loud in his chest and his palms get wet. It was a fairly normal reaction when Izuku was brought up, but this felt different. He was uncomfortable with the transition of the conversation but unable to decide how he was supposed to feel about it. Conflicted was probably best. On one hand, these were all things he might touch on himself if he started bullying Izuku on an off day. On the other, after hearing them talk about taking advantage of subs in ways he wouldn't, it felt weird. Disturbing. Personal.
Malicious.
“Bet he's got a whole section on how you could use it on him. Probably got notes on all the Doms. I wouldn't put it past the creep and all his stalking.”
He took a measured breath, hearing little sparks in the air before he felt them on his palms. Mention of Izuku usually caused him to snap but his throat was too tight to speak for some reason and he wasn't sure what he should say on a topic about himself. He could feel himself being pushed towards some kind of edge he wasn't sure how to label.
“Whatever,” The brunette interrupted, looking at Katsuki's hands while the others gave each other nervous glances, saving everyone in the group by moving on before he could snap. “You know Hanako?”
“The-The upperclassmen?” One of the Doms asked, turning from the little trails of smoke rising around Katsuki's arms to try to focus.
“She's a sub too.”
“What?!”
“No she's not!”
“Don't lie man.”
Katsuki let out an angry breath at the explosion of noise around him, the excitement of the Doms palpable.
“She doesn't have a Dom right?”
“You should talk to her.”
“She'd never talk to me.”
“She's a sub . It'd be easy.”
“It's not like her whole personality is going to change.”
“Just give her a command then,” one of the guys laughed, as if the words were a joke. Always a joke. “What's she gonna do, tell you no?”
“Will you shut the fuck up?!”
Katsuki finally exploded. The room became quiet around him.
“Bakugou!”
Katsuki stilled, stiffening, eyes swiveling to the teacher that had just arrived.
“That language is not acceptable or appreciated. Neither is your bullying. Go to the principal's office. Now.”
Some of the kids near them snickered. For a second he wanted to yell at the teacher. They were the ones calling subs weak. Just because he made them feel the way they wanted him to feel didn't mean he was being a bully. He hadn't done anything wrong. She was obviously reflecting some of his other behavior onto this situation but no teacher would believe him if he told them anyway.
He growled and stood up, stomping past the little teasing sounds of enjoyment from other kids.
A few minutes later he was sitting in the office with the principal's hard glare on him. “Bakugo, this is the...” he glanced down at a paper on his desk, “...seventh time, I've had you in my office in the past month. What's going on?”
“Nothing,” he ground out, glaring at the wall.
“The kids are saying you're lashing out more than usual. Something change at home?”
Katsuki rolled his eyes. “No, nothing's 'changed at home.' Everything is fu-fine.” He caught his cursing just in time.
“You got the last of the testing for your dynamic about a month ago, didn't you?”
Katsuki stiffened, chest suddenly too tight to breathe.
The man sighed and picked up his paper. “Not everyone likes thinking about their dynamic. If you're having a hard time wrapping your head around it, our school counselor is always avail-”
“I'm not fucking talking to anyone.” The words were pushed out so quickly, and on such panicked instinct that he didn't manage to censor himself.
“Look, I get at your age that Dom's can kind of be a lot.”
Katsuki’s head spun. He suddenly felt like throwing up, his heart racing way too fast to be healthy. He opened his mouth to say something but the principal beat him to it.
“But I still expect my Dom students to be well behaved. It's not an excuse.”
Katsuki blinked at the spot on the wall he had been focused on and turned to him in confusion. Why was he talking about the asshole Dom students? He should be telling them to fuck off-
All of his breath left him at once as he realized what was happening. The principal wasn't referring to his classmates.
He was referring to Katsuki .
Relief and confusion warred with each other inside him. His mouth opened slowly, not sure what to do or say, but the principal continued, putting his paper file away with no suspicion whatsoever.
“I know it can be hard to process the new hormones and all of that aggression. It's an adjustment, but if I start having you called in here for using commands on kids I'm going to have to take actual disciplinary action. You get that, right?”
Katsuki was just staring at him. There was no speculation on the face of the older man. No doubt. His mind was running at full speed, leaving him breathless. He could correct the misunderstanding, or…
When the educator looked up and raised an eyebrow, Katsuki swallowed and forced himself to answer.
“That won't be a problem.”
His reputation preceded him in every way a reputation could.
Classic aggressive alpha type, they said. Overbearing Dom. The kind of Dom that gave others a bad name. That's what they told him.
He never actually said that he was a Dom after that, but he had been saying it all his life. He watched people make the assumption and not question his childhood confidence and couldn't bring himself to correct anyone, wasn't sure if he wanted to.
When people said “We know what Bakugou is,” he didn’t correct them. Obviously Bakugou Katsuki was a Dom. Why would anyone question it? His own parents didn't ask to see his paperwork the first day he came home, and later he was grateful. They assumed he was exactly what he had expected he would be, and he didn't dissuade them from it.
His dad did look a little surprised and concerned initially before he dropped it. If there was one thing he could count on his dad to do, it was to follow his mom's direction. To fold eventually under her intensity. It was just more evidence to Katsuki that he didn't want to be a sub. He wasn't about to dedicate his life to some bullheaded Dom and lose his entire personality. (He felt a little guilty for those thoughts. His dad was a good father, all things considered, but he couldn't help reflecting some of those feelings onto him.)
His mom was proud, something about him always taking after her and all that. He couldn't begin to process the idea of correcting her and what the reaction to that would be. Would she be upset? Disappointed?
The lie had been started, however unintentional, and it built and the stress that came with it continued to grow too until correcting people felt impossible. It was in every part of his life now. Bakugo Katsuki was a Dom, and to correct that was so much harder than if no one had ever assumed he was one. Maybe, if someone had asked, he may have considered answering honestly. But nobody ever did, and telling them they were wrong about him felt like so much heavier a thing to do.
Katsuki played the part perfectly, mostly because he didn't have to change anything. He just stayed who he was. And when a certain little green haired sub came along and reminded him of all the things he hated about being one? Well, Katsuki made sure his childhood 'friend' knew exactly how he felt about a quirkless sub looking down on him.
Izuku was everything subs were stigmatized as. Everything he hated in himself he saw in the wide eyes of someone way too fucking forgiving. He cut him down and the idiot came crawling right back. Loyal and shit too, more sub traits. He started worrying he may even see him as a potential Dom, and that just made the panic worse.
It would be a couple years before Izuku would cause him to re-evaluate how he saw subs in general. A couple of years before he would realize how tainted his perception of the sub was by all of his misconceptions. A couple years before Izuku would start beating him at all the tests and exercises that he was already beating all the Doms at. More time still before that defensive exterior would be torn down by dedicated loyalty he had used to hate, forcing him to see his own biases and stop looking down on the subs around him. None of that processing would make the internalized prejudice towards himself go away.
He ignored any draws towards submission, an expert at gaslighting himself after years of practice. In the absence of relationships, he began to create a system instinctively. He refused to acknowledge what was happening. Spicy foods and mountain climbing gear became rewards. Extra cold showers, acting out in class for consequences, pushing a little too hard in training, (and then in hero work as he got older) became punishments. He created a space where he could be good, and feel good for his accomplishments without anyone interfering. He managed his own needs.
He learned to hide, to play the part too well, to the point that he almost believed himself that he was a Dom. That the doctor had been wrong and all the personality assessments as a child had been correct in assuming his future dynamic.
In rare moments of hope or self-disillusionment, he attempted to push out the dominance he observed from others, but it always made him feel like he was stepping into skin that wasn't his own. Uncomfortable and dehumanized.
Izuku was approached constantly. Katsuki could understand it on some level. The nerd had all the features of a stereotypically attractive submissive, the exact opposite of him. He was agreeable and kind with big eyes, affectionate with an eagerness to please. He was strong but soft in ways strength rarely manifested. Beautiful but still handsome.
Katsuki marked off his irritation as jealousy that Izuku fit so well into his dynamic and then became angry at the idea of envy over something he didn't even want.
He also thought the people approaching him were kind of stupid in expecting a soft, malleable, docile submissive out of a man he had learned had a backbone made of hardened steel. The audacity they had to approach Izuku and see him as a two dimensional object to sleep with was embarrassing. None of them really saw Izuku, just a relatively cute package labeled 'sub,' and that just made him hate them more.
Izuku was also surprisingly good at taking charge of his classmates when needed, directing them with his razor sharp analysis skills of everyone's individual quirks. The things he had been made fun of in elementary and middle school became his superpowers, to the point that Katsuki wondered if he had ever needed a quirk at all. On some level, during honest moments with himself, he started believing Izuku had been right all those years ago when he had said he could be a hero even without a quirk.
The worst part, the part Katsuki hated the most, was how his body reacted whenever Izuku did take charge. It didn't make sense, since they were both subs, and that just made it worse. Because of course his submission, triggered by not one other single person, would react to another sub.
As he worked through the anger, he was forced to face the emotions that had been hiding behind the facade. But he didn't know how to put words to them, let alone process them. He watched in awe and wonder as Izuku learned new aspects of his quirk, training his body to do things that didn't even seem human at times. He watched the way the man smiled and took time to talk to kids around hero work, skilled at communication in ways Katsuki couldn't seem to grasp. He watched his eyes darken in terrifying defensiveness as power emanated from his very core before the worst of villains, especially in defense of his friends.
In defense of him.
Unfortunately for him, he didn't know how to work through anything without anger, had never been given space to properly identify and process his feelings on a good day. Izuku knew it too. It took him till after they graduated high school to realize that many of their fights were just Izuku giving him a space to feel. He hated the underlying affection that blossomed in his chest, completely beyond his control, with any secret care Izuku took for him.
He didn't know what to do one day in high school when Izuku actually said yes to a date with an upperclassman. Katsuki understood that those of them with dynamics were supposed to date, but both he and Izuku were ignoring the advice together , and that was comforting in a way he hadn't noticed until it went away.
He was aware of the shift in their interactions in a way his classmates deemed obsessive. He found himself angry and irritable at having to battle for the sub's attention as it was split between him and the man's partners. Even with Izuku's eyes still lighting up every time he came into a room, he found that he completely and illogically hated every single one of them.
Katsuki finally decided that two could play that game, competing in a bitter battle where he was the only player.
It was a game he lost.
His resolution was over almost faster than it started, his high school trysts brief and disappointing. He hated how he felt afterwards and couldn't understand what he was supposed to be doing differently.
Only one time he made the mistake of accepting the advancements of a switch upperclassman, who he had thought was a sub. The experience had left a bitter taste in his mouth. The boy had tried to initiate physical intimacy between them, something he was in no way interested in. And when he had argued, the switch used a command on him.
He threw it off easy enough, angry and defensive and sending the boy running. But when he had left, Katsuki felt like he was falling through a dark hole, physically being pulled towards something like depression he didn't have a name for.
He decided right then that he never wanted to experience that feeling again. He had been right all along. Submission wasn't for him and his biology hated him. It had been an accidental experience with his submission and commands, but he learned that he didn't even respond to commands right on the inside. Wasn't he supposed to like it?
He knew subs were disappointed by his efforts too and he hated being bad at leading. He was good at everything, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't overcome his biology.
He found himself growing angrier and more unstable the more time passed, the harder he tried to fit into the role people expected from him in relationships. He couldn’t understand what the Doms around him were doing differently. Eventually he stopped trying, knowing how it would end for both him and his partner, tired of reminders that he wasn't good enough.
He changed tactics, focused on himself and increasing his skills, let the pride over his talent and hard work fill him with self worth and pleasure instead.
Overcompensation in class went unnoticed since he was already so far ahead of so many other students. Nobody noticed when he pushed a bit too hard and consequently preened a little extra under any praise sent his way. A hand on his back from a Dom would make his skin crawl even as it calmed the raging in his head. A sub kneeling next to their Dom in common spaces made him feel both angry and envious. He was sickened at the lack of self respect, and he wanted to walk up and kick the subs up off the floor, tell them to their faces how weak they were presenting to everyone. He didn't understand why he still felt longing when he saw them, so of course, he buried the terrifying feeling away.
Somehow the subs that were humiliating themselves for others' amusement were good and, for not demeaning himself, he was bad. But he didn't want to abandon his personality for a compliment. It was a horrible thing to witness and he couldn't imagine doing it himself just to experience some praise.
It wasn't until one day, after an especially awful and exhausting evening during his last year being a student intern, that he understood why subs did it.
He stumbled into the common room late after everyone else had already gone to sleep, his whole body heavy, and ended up leaning on the counter and staring at the wall until he lost track of time, so tired he couldn't get himself to get food or walk to bed. He was pulled out of his stupor by Izuku some time later, arriving back from his internship even after Katsuki.
“Kacchan?”
Katsuki looked up to find the boy staring at him, looking just as tired in a ridiculous shirt adorned with a random word in katakana, though he was approving of what were probably now considered a fairly pricey pair of Golden Age All Might pajama pants.
“You okay?” Katsuki just nodded at him, but he didn't move. When he stayed stationary, still zoned, Izuku slipped behind him to get to the fridge, his hand passing over Katsuki's neck to cup the back of his head in an instinctual comforting motion. He felt some of the stress leave his shoulders, not aware enough to worry about why. When he just continued to stand in silence, Izuku changed tactics and closed the fridge, grabbing a bag off the counter with cookies in it and putting one in his mouth to free a hand. With one arm free, he placed his other on Katsuki's lower back and started to steer him out of the kitchen.
They were both exhausted, neither thinking too much about what was happening. The hands on his body were causing much more of an intense reaction than anything he had experienced with any random Dominant. All he could think about was how long it had been since someone, anyone, had touched him, and how his stress finally seemed to be ebbing away.
It wasn't until they reached the couch and Izuku directed him with a kind but firm tone to sit down and told him he was doing so good , that everything clicked into place so rapidly he could almost hear the sound.
He gasped, coming back to himself with terrifying speed, and realized the fog that had fallen over his mind wasn't all exhaustion. That what he was experiencing wasn't horrible or demeaning or uncomfortable. And yes Izuku was a sub but of course his body would respond to him because of course the nerd made everything complicated between them.
He stilled, cheeks reddening and limbs suddenly heavy with the impact of Izuku's words reverberating through his head. ' You're so good.'
At the same time he came back to himself, Izuku seemed to realize he was directing him around the room. His chest expanded with a gasp and he pulled back his scarred hand, holding it up in the air awkwardly and looking at the sub with wide eyes, bright and piercing through the darkness. His limbs tingled and felt heavy like he was somewhere far away from them, and loud silence stretched between them.
He knew it wasn't Izuku's fault, knew his body was responding to the direction regardless of the sub's dynamic, but that just made it all worse... because he felt good, warm and heavy like liquid pleasure had been poured down his throat. It was the first time submission had ever felt that way.
There was no shame or humiliation, nothing to fear. He was safe with the hero, like always, like he had never deserved. He was treasured with him, like he had been ever since they were kids. He didn't deserve Izuku's love and forgiveness, but he had it. He had never earned the way the man looked at him, but he knew without a shadow of a doubt in that moment that he would never be more cared for or seen or loved than he would be with Izuku.
He was surprised by the yearning that reared up in him so fiercely it hurt, and he was off the couch in panic, ignoring calls of his name while he raced back to his room before Izuku could stop him.
He went to bed hungry with his heart pounding, pushing all thoughts of Izuku and domination and gentle, shameless submission out of his head.
He wanted and he knew he wasn't allowed to. He was weaker than he had ever imagined in the face of something he had never known he wanted. His body had lit up in pleasure, his mind finally peaceful for the first time in years. But Katsuki was a Dom to everyone and he needed it to stay that way.
He was fine. The best student in school. He was meeting his needs and accomplishing his goals and he was the best at everything he did, so clearly his efforts were working. He didn't need to be good when he was the best.
Besides, Katsuki knew no Dom would ever want to deal with him. He was too loud. Too demanding. Too headstrong. Too big. Just too much.
Which was just as well, because he didn't want a Dom either. Up until that moment he had never had a good experience with being a sub. It had only ever happened with Izuku.
And Izuku was submissive.
'You're so good,' the soft voice echoed in his mind, the feeling of being praised settling over his every limb with warm satisfaction, like light being shined on his soul. He could still feel the outline of hands touching his neck and body.
And he was good. He knew he was.
Just not the way subs were supposed to be.
So he put the thoughts away on a shelf where they couldn't hurt him and buried them under plans to be a pro-hero.
For just a minute, lying in the dark with no one to shame him, he allowed himself to imagine he was good in the way Izuku had meant. That the hand on his neck and words from his rival's mouth had been etched with the intention to own him, to take care of him.
To keep him.
He was aware that belonging to someone would never be something he experienced and he was fine .
He was.