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Sometimes it all got to be too much.
The ache in his chest from his mother being gone would stretch too big some days.
Some days, Theo really couldn’t be bothered to fight it.
Maybe that’s why, as he looked down into the gently swooshing water, sitting on the edge of the bridge, he wasn’t scared at all.
One push. That’s all it would take.
And then it would be over.
If anything, it almost sounded exciting.
It sounded like freedom.
“Potter?”
The voice forced a choked gasp to leave Theo’s lips as his head snapped around to look at Boris and Hobie.
He hadn’t even heard them show up.
He’d left a note. Because how could he not leave them some parting words? But apparently he’d taken too long.
Part of him wanted to jump right then, but he felt paralyzed.
Hobie was staring at him with pure caution, far too scared to make any moves.
And yet Boris was strutting over to him like it was just any other day, his wide, toothy grin on his face.
Theo couldn’t even speak as Boris pushed himself up onto the railing of the bridge and sat next to Theo, legs dangling off. “Are we jumping?” He asked casually.
He was just staring at Theo, like nothing was happening.
Like Theo wasn’t literally trying to kill himself in that moment.
Boris’ mouth quirked up into an almost smirk. “You are unsure?” He questioned.
But Theo still felt like his mouth was glued shut.
“Let’s go home Potter. I want to watch British movies and have you explain them.” Boris whined, tugging Theo’s arm gently like a child wanting attention.
Finally, Theo croaked out a response. “I’m American, asshole.”
Boris grinned. Clearly he’d been trying to get a rise out of Theo. “We go now?” He tugged on Theo’s arm again.
Theo didn’t respond, but he left Boris drag him off the edge and back onto the bridge itself, walking him to Hobie’s car. Hobie didn’t say anything, but Theo saw his hands shaking.
Boris babbled on about random junk on the car ride home. Hobie and Theo couldn’t find the energy to reciprocate.
The following week had been…tense to say the least.
Well, between Hobie and Theo. Boris didn’t even act like it happened in the first place.
Hobie walked on eggshells around Theo, and was so much more cautious about him going places on his own.
It was starting to get on Theo’s last nerve.
“I’m just going to the library!” He snapped as he shoved his coat on.
“Theo.” Hobie gave him a look.
Theo glared. “I am! I told you, it was impulsive. I was having a bad day. You can’t keep me locked here like some kind of prisoner.”
“I’m not.” Hobie protested. “I’m just being cautious. I’m sorry, but if you want to go somewhere then you need to be with Boris.”
Theo sputtered. “Why? Why can’t you go with me?”
“Ouch, Potter.” Boris teased as he stepped into the room, getting their attention. “You don’t want me around?”
Theo rolled his eyes. “You’re really making this about you?”
“Everything is about me, Potter.” He retorted cheerfully.
Hobie let out an exasperated sigh before looking at Theo firmly, speaking in a softer tone. “I tried to call out to you, you know.” Theo’s eyebrows furrowed. “On the bridge. You wouldn’t respond. Not to me.” He tilted his head towards Boris, who was busy rubbing Popchyk’s belly.
Theo frowned deeply, watching Boris for a moment before looking back at Hobie.
“Just…” Hobie sighed heavily. “Give me some time to…get over it, okay? Besides, do you really not want him to go? You guys go everywhere together.”
Theo knew he was right. He probably would’ve invited Boris along anyways. Just something about Hobie expecting him to be chaperoned really bothered him.
But it’s not like he didn’t earn it.
“After you, Potter.” Boris opened the door and gave a small bow, grinning wide.
Theo rolled his eyes but went through anyways, no energy for bantering.
They never made it to the library.
About halfway there, Boris suddenly declared he wanted to go somewhere else because the library was too boring.
And Theo’s been friends with Boris long enough to know he wasn’t above throwing a tantrum out in public to get his way.
So…they were going somewhere else. Theo had no idea where. Boris just insisted for him to follow.
So he did.
And that’s how they ended up back at the bridge. The bridge where Theo almost committed suicide only a week ago.
“Ah! The air here is so cool. Better than Vegas.” Boris beamed as he ran up to the railing, resting his arms on it and taking a deep breath.
Chills ran up Theo’s spine. “Boris why…why would you bring me here?”
“Because it’s nice place.” Boris shrugged. “We come here all the time.”
“But we haven’t since…” Theo hesitated. He and Boris haven’t even talked about it.
Were they supposed to?
Boris hummed a little, resting his chin on his hand and smiling over at Theo like a school girl listening to her crush tell a story.
“Potter…why is it you tried to kill yourself?”
Something painful and dark dropped into Theo’s stomach at those words.
Hesitantly, Potter approached the railing and set an awkward hand on it, refusing to look at Boris.
“I…I woke up from another nightmare…about my mom, and that day…” He swallowed hard. “It just…really hit me I guess, and I couldn’t take it.”
When Boris remained quiet, Theo glanced over to see Boris had an almost…angry expression? Honestly it was rather unreadable.
Then Boris let out a disappointed sigh. “Potter is such a twat.”
Theo did a double take. “Excuse me?”
“You miss your mother, so you try to die. You want me and Hobie to hurt like you hurt?”
“What?” Theo breathed. “Of course not-“
Boris raised an eyebrow. “Did you think we would not care? That we would move on like nothing?”
“Well no, but-“ Theo started.
And then Boris pushed himself up onto the railing.
“Boris?” Theo started warily. “Boris what are you doing?”
“Potter thinks he can die when he pleases. I do the same.” Boris explained nonchalantly, swinging his other leg over the railing.
“BORIS STOP!” Theo shouted, eyes wide in panic.
But Boris pushed himself off anyways.
For a second Theo couldn’t even breathe, he couldn’t blink. He couldn’t do anything.
But Boris had held onto the railing with one hand, and swung back around, grabbing the railing again and pulling himself up and over it. “I kid. I kid.”
Theo’s jaw dropped as Boris brushed his hands off on his jeans, like nothing happened.
He glanced at Theo and a grin started to form on his lips. “You should see the look on your face, Potter.”
Theo slapped him.
Boris stumbled a little, but didn’t overall look that surprised.
“That was a shitty thing to do.” Theo choked out, tears burning his eyes behind his glasses. “Do you have any idea how much you just scared me right there?”
Any amusement faded from Boris’ face as he stared Theo down. “Do you?”
Theo froze where he stood. “…What?”
“You don’t care about my feelings. Why would I care about yours?”
Theo felt like there was static in his brain. “You think- Boris of course I care.”
“You do not!” Boris exclaimed suddenly, making Theo’s eyes widen. “You were going to kill yourself a week ago, Theo.” Theo flinched at the lack of nickname. “All you left was lousy note.”
Theo felt a rush of anger. “AND WHAT ABOUT YOU!? YOU DIDN’T EVEN MENTION THIS FOR A WHOLE WEEK. YOU JUST PRETENDED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, DID YOU EVEN CARE THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG!?”
Boris clicked his tongue in irritation, crossing his arms. “I didn’t want to upset you.”
Theo scoffed, feeling the tears begin to slide down his cheeks. “Yeah? And how’s that working out for you?” He croaked out before turning his back to Boris to walk away.
“I read it.”
Theo froze in his step, choking out a gasp. His hands trembled as he turned back to Boris.
He wore a guilty expression. “That night…I dug it out of trash. I read it.”
“How could you do that!?” Theo hissed, cheeks burning. “I said not to read those! That is such an invasion of my privacy!”
“It was addressed to me.” Boris protested.
“WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE DEAD!” Theo fumed. “IS THAT WHY YOU BROUGHT ME OUT HERE? TO TALK ABOUT- TALK ABOUT THE LETTER?”
Boris looked down. “Not just the letter.”
“I can’t believe this.” Theo shook his head. “I’m not talking about it. You weren’t supposed to read it in the first place so you can just deal.”
Boris looked at him desperately. “Potter, we need to talk about it.”
Theo started to walk away. “No. We don’t.”
Boris followed. “You said…you think about me…all the time.”
“I’m not talking about this, Boris!”
“That you think about Vegas…”
Theo’s hands balled into fists as he walked faster. “Stop it.”
Boris quickened his pace to keep up. “That you think about the kiss-“
Theo spun on his heel and grabbed Boris by his shirt angrily. “Are you just making fun of me now!? What is this!? Some stupid joke?”
“No joke.” Boris shook his head softly, looking down to meet Theo’s eyes. “No joke, Potter.”
“I know you don’t like me.” Theo choked out firmly, fresh tears forming in his eyes. “You only kissed me because you didn’t think you were going to be able to follow me. You thought we were saying goodbye.”
Boris paused, before nodding. “That is true.”
“So why are you making me do this?” Theo whimpered, his hand gripping Boris’ shirt tightened. “Are you trying to hurt me?”
“Potter, I thought I was going to lose you. I kissed you because I would hate myself if I didn’t.” Boris explained softly. “I thought…you were pretending it did not happen.”
Theo’s eyes widened. “You think I was trying to act like nothing happened? Boris I’ve literally been unable to sleep thinking about it and what it could’ve meant.”
“Well I know that now.” Boris joked weakly.
Theo let go of him and scoffed. “Always ready with a joke, aren’t you?” He snapped, ready to walk away once again.
“When I saw you on that bridge, my heart stopped.” Boris confessed in a soft voice.
Theo met his eyes, waiting for him to continue.
Boris crossed his arms; a nervous habit. “I would have, you know.”
“Would’ve what?” Theo’s eyebrows furrowed.
“Jumped. With you.”
The sincerity in his voice made tears fall from Theo’s eyes.
“Why?” He whispered brokenly.
Boris smiled, and suddenly leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Theo’s lips, a kiss Theo felt too frozen to truly reciprocate.
It suddenly felt like they were back in Vegas all over again.
Breaking the kiss, Boris spoke in a near whisper, face hovering close to Theo’s.
“Why do you think I’m here in the first place, Potter? The only place I want to be is with you.”
Theo hiccupped, shoulders beginning to shake.
Boris’ smile faded, and Theo swore he saw his eyes grow glossy. “Stay, Potter. Stay here with me.”
Please.
Theo hugged Boris tightly as sobs wracked out of his body. Boris ran a hand through his hair, muttering words in different languages in a gentle tone; words of comfort.
He’d never admit it, Theo already knew that, but he felt Boris shaking too.
He really was just as scared.
When Theo finally calmed down from his crying, the first thing he did was reach his hands up to Boris’ face and pull him into a kiss.
And in that moment, Theo thought to himself, that maybe this, this, is worth sticking around for.