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It's been six years now, and he still remembers. How could he forget? This was one of those things that even the brightest shrine of heaven nor the deepest pits of hell could ever allow you to forget.
He remembers.
He remembers it being dark, cold and loud, the sound of harsh seas entangling with the brutal wind and causing an endless assault of waves to attack the pathetic dinghy he rode in.
He remembers being furious, terrified and in pain. There was so much pain. The anxiety inducing madness spiking from coming into unexpected labor, and there had been absolutely no one around to help. He had been abandoned. The only thing he had useful aboard the dinghy was a towel. Yes. A towel. And that was it. That was all he had.
He remembers feeling as if he were physically breaking apart, anger and despair coursing through him from the fact that he had been forgotten by that no good, bounty drunk Dragon. The same Dragon who had the nerve to call him his wife, to impregnate him and promise him a good life, and then when things got rough, what did he do?
He threw his nine month pregnant wife into that dinghy, detached it from their ship in which was being attacked, and never came back for him. Crocodile wasn't stupid either, he knew that Dragon was powerful enough to come find him, defend him, and take care of him and their child... But he never did.
He remembers losing blood. Lots of it. His body throbbing and numb as he laid flat in the tiny boat, Luffy wrapped within the towel and clutched safely in his arms. He was happy. He was so happy. Dragon may not have came for him, but their child was born. He was born healthy and loud and beautiful, with a head full of fluffy black hair and the biggest, most adorable wide eyes.
And then...
Then he remembers washing up on shore. There are pirates waiting on him. Evil pirates with no empathy and no remorse. They loath Dragon, and they're obsessed with money. Dragon has the biggest bounty known to humankind. And they know that the son of such a wanted man will do well selling in the black market.
He remembers screaming in ferocity and might, his abilities nothing but weak blows against the sheer mass of enemies he was faced with. The blood loss was effecting him too greatly. He could barely focus.
He remembers someone grabbing Luffy. They grab him but he holds on tight. He won't let go. He refuses to let go. Someone grabs him and cuts his face but he still will not let go. He cries. He screams. He begs for his son not to be taken away. And above all he still won't let go... Until finally.
They cut his left arm off. And Luffy's loud, petrified screams grow further and further away.
-
"Croc-san..." He hears, his chest vibrating with a deep groan, "Croc-san, are you awake?"
"Mm," Crocodile finally comes to, his eyes creaking open tiredly. Automatically he feels like a million pounds, his body stiff and exhausted as he blinked numbly at the room before him.
"Did you have a bad dream?" Asked one of the softest, most sweetest voices known to bananagator kind.
Straightening himself out and relaxing in his chair, Crocodile tilted his head and gazed down at his tiny, personal, blonde haired chef, "Of course not. I never have bad dreams. What made you assume such a ridiculous thing?"
Sanji, nervously fiddling with the saucer and mug he held, shrugged and explained, "You were whimpering, an-and I remember Cora-san saying that when Law whimpers in his sleep, it's because he's having a bad dream. So... Were you having a bad dream, Croc-san?"
Ah, so he was making noise in his sleep? Jiminy cripes. Crocodile smiled softly and lifted out his one good hand, gently patting his small chef on the head. "If it was a bad dream then I don't recall having it. Must be thanks to you, eh? You did a good job waking me up," The sound of Sanji's bashful giggles warmed his heart.
Sanji and Reiju were among some of his most well behaved kids and he was happy to have adopted them. That heartless typhoon Vinsmoke Judge was too cruel a tyrant to raise precious buds like these- that and his nostrils were so big it looked as if he could snort an entire ocean in one go, and if that wasn't terrifying enough a reason not to kidnap his kids, Crocodile didn't know what was.
"Here," His little, eight year old chef lifted up the mug and saucer, "I made you hot chocolate! I know it's your favorite, so I thought it would make you feel better."
Crocodile, still feeling like a barbell, grinned at his chef, his broken heart pulsing with love and appreciation. Sanji was always trying to cook small things for everyone, constantly seeking praise, criticism and growth. He even prepared meals for all their rodents and pests that came and went- which is also why there were strict 'Do not kill any mice or I will kill you' signs all around the house.
"Why thank you, my little itamae-chan," Crocodile took the specially made mug and brought it to his lips, effortlessly taking a drink and immediately feeling his blood sugar spike in less than half a second. Sweet. Too sweet. His brows furrowed as he forcefully tolerated the insane amount of sugar that overwhelmed the rich, creamy chocolate flavor. Diabetes, here he comes!
"Is it good?" Sanji gasped in excitement.
Feeling like he had just drank half a cup of pure sugar, Crocodile swallowed and expertly hid his sugary grimace with a pleasant smile, "Yes it is, but you made it too sweet again."
"Aw..." Sanji went slump in dejection and bowed his head, mumbling quietly, "I'm sorry, Croc-san."
Chuckling fondly, Crocodile set down his drink and bent forward to scoop the little blonde into his lap, "Why apologize for the chance to grow?" He gazed down at him with nothing but fondness, "All chefs experience criticism. That's how you learn."
Sanji, perking up at the encouragement, grinned and stood up in his large, adoptive mother's lap, "Yosh. Can you tell me why it tastes bad?"
"It's not that it tastes bad," Crocodile took another sip, his brain rattling like an over-fed train, "It's just too sweet. I feel like my body is fixing to explode from a sugar overdose."
"Are you gonna be alright?" Sanji covered his face in horror at the thought of Crocodile exploding from a sugar overdose, "Do I need to get Mingo-san?"
"And what's he gonna do?" Crocodile laughed, "'Scare' the sugar away? Ha, good luck with that."
"He could," Sanji hummed, "Some times he looks really, really scary. Remember when he made Usopp pee himself?"
"Don't remind me," Crocodile rolled his eyes.
"Has Mingo-san ever made you pee yourself before?" Sanji asked, his big, dark eyes blinking in pure, genuine curiosity.
Crocodile tasseled his hair with a huff, "I don't get scared."
"Really?" Sanji blinked at him, seeming concerned all the sudden, "But... Your dream-ah."
"It was just a dream," Crocodile pulled the blonde haired boy close to his chest and wrapped his arm and hook around him, his broken heart pounding in shattered pain inside his chest.
He hugged Sanji, thinking about how much he loved him- about how much he loved all of his adopted kids- and how he would never ever allow anything bad to happen to any of them. Sure some of them were tiny, evil, diabolical little shits, but he loved them. He already lost one child. He refused to lose anymore.
"I don't get scared," Crocodile mumbled while whispering inside his own mind, 'I'm always scared of losing any of you.'
Sanji whimpered and hugged him back. Crocodile was big, strong and safe, and he always gave the best hugs. If he said he wasn't scared then he would believe him but... The thing is... Crocodile hadn't looked 'scared' when he had that dream.
He looked 'sad'.
"Oiii, Sanji, oii!"
"Eh?" Sanji jerked and Crocodile lowered his arms, the both of them looking in the direction of the hallway.
"Sanji!" Usopp came sprinting into the small library, panting as he immediately hollered, "You gotta come quick. Baby 5-chan just found a nest of opossums by the trashcans, and they look hungry! Come on! Let's go feed them!"
"Aw, yosh," Sanji's cheeks grew hot and pink in excitement, and he looked to their mother with a happy grin, "Excuse me, Croc-san."
Tasselng the blonde's hair, Crocodile chuckled and carefully went to place him on the ground, "You boys be careful now."
"We will," Both Usopp and Sanji chanted as they began taking off down the hall together.
"Usopp?" Sanji asked once they were a good distance away.
The six year old looked to him with confusion at his off tone, "Hm? What is it? What's wrong?"
Sanji couldn't help but to frown, "Does Croc-san... Seem 'sad' to you?"
Crocodile sighed and slouched back in his chair, his eyelids feeling just as heavy as his body. He stared at the ceiling, recalling how, ever since they had saved/adopted Kid and Killer two weeks ago, he had been non-stop thinking about his one biological child. The child he had lost. Luffy. For six years now he had been searching the entire East Blue, endlessly looking for hints, signs or clues.
Six years he had been looking, waiting and dreaming. Every day he drifted off countless times, imagining what his son must look like, what interests he had, and how he would act underneath the wing of his biological mother. Was he okay? Was he safe? Gracious... Was he even alive?
The poor thing had been kidnapped by heartless, money-hogging thieves. Who knew what happened to him since then. The only thing that led Crocodile into believing that he was still alive was the fact that Luffy had never been handed over to the navy- a goal those thieves promised they would achieve, and yet... No Luffy, no prize money.
After the entire incident, the revolutionary army found him and took him back in, but Crocodile refused to take part with them any longer. Once he was healed enough, he looked Dragon straight in the eye and asked him what had happened, and all he would say is that it was better this way. There was nothing that they could do. Luffy was gone. And that...
That enraged Crocodile. It enraged him so much that he attacked Dragon, ended their marriage, had Ivankov change his gender, and gave himself a new name. And then he set off by himself, determined to rebuild his strength and find his lost child. Screw Dragon. Screw the revolutionary army. They were all a bunch of backstabbing pansies. He didn't need them.
Six years had passed since then, and in that time he had achieved becoming a warlord, had remarried to Doflamingo, and had now adopted eleven stray kids.
Doflamingo and those eleven little knuckle heads were the only things that kept him going all these years. During his missions trying to find Luffy, he had come across them instead. Like him, they were all broken, traumatized, and sad in their own unique ways, but they were powerful, strong and determined, and he stood up to be exactly what they needed him to be.
He found Usopp at Syrup Village getting assaulted by Captain Kuro, and had saved him. Doflamingo had brought home Baby 5 out of sheer irritation from her following him around all the time. Corazon saved Trafalgar's life. Crocodile had found Ace and Sabo wandering the jungle alone and had offered them a real place to live; surprisingly they followed.
Then the three of them- Crocodile, Corazon and Doflamingo- saved Robin from that exploding island. Zoro had been a lone wolf with a sword at age seven, malnourished, hungry and 'lost'. Crocodile, who seriously loathed that dishonorable Vinsmoke family, had selfishly taken to kidnapping Sanji and Reiju himself- hey, it's not kidnapping when the kids' lives depend on it, is it?
No matter what, Crocodile would never regret taking in his adopted, miniature monsters but... Some times he couldn't help but to think about 'him'. His one biological, lost child. Luffy. And it was beginning to take a toll on him.
If for just one moment, he internally begged, he could hear his voice- just hear it and know that he was alright, that he was alive and that there was a chance that Crocodile could still save him. All these failed searches were beginning to drive him mad because... Because he was worried that all this failure meant that Luffy wasn't alive, and that he would never get to experience life with his one biological child.
"You've been sulking a lot here recently."
Oh great. More nosy, concerned family members. Crocodile almost unleashed a wind-storm of sand that would block the doors from anyone else trying to get in. "Give me a break. I'm tired," He grumbled, his heavy eyelids sliding closed.
"Should I be concerned?" Asked Doflamingo, his tone malicious and mocking as usual, "You haven't smoked a single cigar since this morning. For you that's practically a record."
"I said it once and I'll say it again: I'm 'tired'," Crocodile sighed, feeling like a liquid part of the chair he was reclined in.
Doflamingo came to a stop in front of him, his aura as energetic and devious as always. His mostly pink and white clothing were an eye sore to Crocodile, but today he somehow appreciated the unusually bright attire; it made him think about Luffy and if he possibly loved pink just as much as his father in law did. If only he could find out, but...
There was a possibility he never would.
Doflamingo gazed down at his husband and took him in. Crocodile wasn't being his usual self here recently, and Doflamingo had a growing suspicion on why that was. He wouldn't press for answers or explanations. Crocodile was an adult, and he trusted him enough to tell him about his own problems whenever he was ready. Whatever was going on right now, Doffy just hoped that it would pass soon. He couldn't stand seeing his significant other in this state.
"What's this?" Doflamingo went to grab the mug sitting on the side table, "A concoction from our little itamae?"
"Yep," Crocodile smirked and looked up at his husband with pride and casual joy, "And I'd say he did a pretty good job this time. You should give it a try."
Doflamingo, looking idly untrusting, spectated the man sitting before him thoroughly before slowly bringing the mug to his mouth and taking a drink. "Hmp!"
Crocodile grinned big and laughed whenever Doflamingo's cheeks bulged and his body automatically tensed up. He could even see the blue slivers of his eyes from his loosened glasses. And now the diabetes can rightfully seize his lunatic husband. Yippee! "Haha! What's the matter, eh? Too sweet for you?" He mocked.
Forcefully swallowing the mouthful he had, Doflamingo nearly crushed the mug as he glared down at that no good, sneaky, lying son of a... "You think you're mighty clever, don't you?" His temples throbbed with irritating pressure.
Crocodile could only smirk, obviously amused, "No, of course not... I 'know' I am."
Doflamingo shoved his glasses up his nose with a middle finger while aggressively setting down the mug, "Very funny. No thanks to you, I'll be awake for the next ten years. Good luck surviving me in bed."
"You say that as if we actually have a bed," Crocodile gave him a pitiful yet pleasant stare. "How are the little scrap-heads doing? Are they getting along well with the others?"
"You've asked that a million times now," Doflamingo sat down on the armrest to his left, "And I think you know the answer."
Crocodile leaned his head back, his eyes rolling closed whenever big, warm fingers gently caressed through his slightly messy hair, the blunt digits massaging his aching scalp in such a way that made his chest rumble soothingly. "I just want to ensure that everyone is alright."
"Well in that case I'd say there's nothing to worry about. Asking the same question every five minutes is sure to provide you with all the information you need," Doflamingo sarcastically remarked, his hands going to rest on his husband's stiff, knotted shoulders. "You look miserable. When are you going to learn how to take better care of yourself?"
"I take care of myself well enough already," Crocodile went back to grumbling.
The answer makes Doflamingo want to huff a laugh and point out the obvious lie. Crocodile didn't take care of himself. How could he? He was always so busy going out on missions and taking care of their kids that they barely got any alone time for themselves. All of his energy went into searching for his lost treasure while constantly making sure that the treasure he already had was thoroughly safe and taken care of.
Doflamingo wasn't blind. He knew that Crocodile was depressed. Often after missions that resulted in failure, he got in these deep, down moods, his thoughts lost in time and his attention fixated on the walls. He wouldn't eat much either, simply too uncaring about himself to do anything self-beneficial.
"You can fool yourself and our kids all you'd like," Doflamingo bent down and cupped his husband's face, mumbling softly, "But you can't fool me."
...
"Why would Croc-sama be sad?" Usopp frowned while cradling two baby opossums in his lap, "He looked happy this morning. In fact he said he was so happy that he had to take a nap to 'renergize, haha!"
Sanji broke off some bread and tossed it down to the momma opossum, his lips unconsciously drawn into a frown, "But I saw him having a nightmare, and he was acting different. I think... I think it's because he's sad."
"But Croc-sama says he doesn't get sad," Baby 5 stated, confused.
Sanji nodded at her, "I know, but he keeps sleeping in that chair by himself and he doesn't eat much anymore."
Near the stairs to the garden they were in, Ace bowed his head and clenched his fists at the discussion he was overhearing. Apparently he wasn't the only one who noticed it. Their mother was acting strangely; over-sleeping, staying in rooms all by himself, not eating, staring at the wall, and not being as active. Ace knew all too well what was going on, and it just about broke his heart.
"Maybe he's just tired," Usopp suggested, remembering how their adoptive mother often said that he was exhausted whenever he seemed down or inactive.
Sanji, having heard the excuse as well, lowered his head and whimpered, "I guess..."
"He's not tired," Spoke the ever firm, hard-to-approach Ace who slowly came walking up to the opossum group, "He's depressed."
"Eh?" Baby 5 blinked curiously at the freckled kid, "Depressed?"
"What does that mean?" Usopp asked, wincing whenever the scary eight year old came to a stop beside them.
"It means he's sad. Like... Sadder than sad. So sad that it's not fun to do anything anymore. Eating, playing... You don't want to do any of it," Ace explained, staring down at the friendly, happy opossums, bending down to examine the one nudging against his foot, "I thought only kids could get depressed, but I think Croc-sama is proof that adults can get sad too."
"He's that sad?" Baby 5 whined, tears forming in her eyes, "What're we gonna do?"
Ace, picking up the baby opossum and handing it to Sanji, stood straight and shook his head. "I don't know..." He gazed at the ground, thinking back to how depressed he used to be before Crocodile found him and Sabo living alone in the forest like miniature monsters.
It might have been over a year ago, but Ace remembered every little detail of his own depression vividly. The constant guilt, shame and regret from being born, always wondering why he was still alive, always feeling lonely, misunderstood and unwanted. He used to beat people up to prove that he was capable of something great, to prove that he wasn't weak and that these emotions weren't getting the better of him, but in reality those emotions were all that he had become.
Running into Crocodile had been one of the best things that had ever happened to him and Sabo. Instead of treating them like useless, rotten, low-life thugs, he accepted them as they were and offered them a family filled with care and acceptance. He supported who they were, their beliefs, their dreams and who they wanted to become. Ace never understood why Crocodile had been the only person to understand exactly how they felt, but he thinks he knows now.
"Let's gather everyone in ani-Kat's room," Ace more or less ordered, "We meet in eleven minutes."
...
"Oiii, who stinks!" Kid growled dangerously while covering his nose.
"Yeah who was that? It reeks!" coughed Baby 5, her tongue sticking out in repulsion.
Robin tilted her head and frowned a bit, saying softly, "It's making me feel... Dizzy."
While the petrified, sweaty stink bomb known as Usopp fought his hardest to keep on a straight face, Ace crawled into the large, pillow fort they had made on Katakuri's giant guest bed. He was the last one to go in, dutifully closing the blankets behind him before sitting down on the bouncy mattress.
"Is this about Croc-san?" Trafalgar asked, confirming the answer through shared eye contact with the freckled kid.
"Ace says he's depressed which means he's really, really sad," Baby 5 exclaimed.
"And what's he got to be so upset about?" Trafalgar strictly asked Ace, "He's an adult. He's not supposed to get depressed."
"Adults get sad too, you know," Robin stated softly, "In fact I've read that they get even more sad than us. Kuma-sensei says that some times they even pretend to be happy so that their friends and family don't catch their depression. It's like a cold."
"Does... Does that mean Croc-san is only pretending to be happy around us? He's been lying this whole time," Sanji nearly began to cry.
"That bastard..." Kid balled his fist and shook a wrench at the ceiling to their pillow fort, "How dare he lie to us."
"He's not lying to hurt us," Reiju explained, her voice just as equally soft as Robins, "He's lying to protect us."
"How is 'lying' supposed to be protecting us?" Zoro asked, his head tilting in ignorance.
"Because that's what adults do," Reiju looked to Sanji while remembering their mother, "And it's why we never see them get depressed. They're trying to be strong so that we don't have to be. They hide their pain and suffering so that we don't have to experience it too. Even though it doesn't feel like it... There are some parents who love their kids and are willing to do anything for them, even if it means... They suffer."
"So does that mean Croc-san really is depressed? But he's hiding it from us so that 'we' don't get depressed?" Sanji asked, still a bit confused. But it was beginning to make sense.
Ace, Reiju, Robin and Trafalgar all nodded.
"So what're we supposed to do?" Zoro crossed his arms, arguing a strong point, "We don't know anything about curing adult colds."
"Well, I was thinking, and... Each one of us was depressed when we first got here, but Mingo and Croc-sama cured us," Robin smiled at each one of her brothers and sisters, "They knew why we were sad and they helped us. Maybe that's how we can help Croc-sama."
"Hey, you're right, Robin-chan," Usopp lifted up his fists and spoke proudly, "As honorary leader of the Usopp pirates, I hereby command all of you to go and make Croc-sama happy!"
"And who made you boss?" Kid barked causing the youngest to duck and squeal in fright.
Baby 5 agreed, "Yeah, you're too chicken to be a pirate."
"Hey, I'm the greatest pirate I know-"
"Probably because you're the only pirate you know," Kid laughed and bumped fists with Baby 5.
"If we're being honest, we really don't know what we're doing," Trafalgar admitted quietly while looking at the older, more intelligent kids of the bunch.
"Yeah Ace... What do you want us to do?" Sabo asked, desperate to help but too uncertain as to how.
Ace, with his head still bowed, gazed at the sheets, his voice a quiet mumble, "I don't know..."
"Why don't we start by finding out why he's sad?" Robin suggested, sharing an agreeing nod with Reiju.
"Depression happens for a reason," Reiju nodded, remembering how her and Sanji's biological mother didn't truly start growing depressed until the surgery was done to alternate her pregnancy. In that situation, it had been her children's lost humanity that drove her into depression. "We need to find out what Croc-san's reason is."
"But what if he doesn't tell us? He 'lies', remember?" Zoro pointed out.
"Then we'll just have to try harder," Ace stated and stood up on his knees, beckoning everyone's attention, "Listen up. Here's what we're going to do."