Archive of Our Own

Jade-colored hues stare blankly at the flickering fluorescent light of the kitchen, dark-rimmed eyes skimming the empty cupboard in a strange, detached sort of way. Another wave of fatigue washes over him and he tightens his fingers around the handle, eyes slipping closed as he waits for the light-headedness to pass. A loud growling sound cuts through the silence of his kitchen and he pries his eyes open to glare at his stomach in betrayal.

Okay, the cupboard is empty. Got it. That's fine Jason listlessly thinks to himself.

Before long he's shuffling over to the fridge and kneeling in front of it. Maybe he'll have better luck?

Fat chance.

Jason makes a last-minute attempt in sifting through the barren object. Reaching around every corner, every crevice, shelf, everything. Trying to see if he might've missed something - anything that at this point wasn't horrifically expired. Only to sigh. Short-lived hope quelled upon finding that he hadn't missed a single item and that there genuinely just wasn't anything to eat. He had nothing.

''Course,'' He muttered brazenly. Only to lean back on the heels of his feet as Jason finally separated himself from the admittedly pathetic fridge.

Jason takes to heaving himself up- abdomen painfully empty. It protested growling at him angrily but Jason didn't take heed of his body's cry. Instead engrossing himself in his thoughts.

It'd been stupid of him to even waste an effort in looking. Food didn't just appear after all. He should've known that more than anyone from living within the depths of Crime Alley throughout his childhood.

Jason's jaded hues flickered elsewhere as his incessant tirade of thoughts continued. He was entirely at a loss of what he should do right now. Jason didn't know how to solve the on growing problem or how to ease his hunger. He hadn't stocked up his safehouse before he'd left on a series of missions. He'd gone on numerous ones. Taking out powerful crime lords as he went and eventually, he'd been gone for so long that the missions blurred together.

But now Jason was paying the price of having been foolish. He'd forgotten to replenish his food source and now by the time he'd gotten home, there was nothing edible to eat. To make matters worse he couldn't fix it. Not easily at least Jason couldn't just go out and buy anything subsequential. He didn't have the funds.

There wasn't a way to remedy the situation. Least' not one that Jason could conjure up. It seemed that he was just out of luck considering that he'd already 'confiscated' the crime lord's drug money that he'd taken down. But it'd gone towards rent as well as other necessities. And what was left of it? Yeah, that was a rather measly amount and it was strictly reserved. Jason wouldn't delve into it- refused to. 

So there's that. Newsflash his estranged father wasn't an answer either. Counting on Bruce for anything was unheard of. It went without saying that Jason would, in fact, rather die than ask his estranged father to aid him.

The morbid sensational hunger that Jason felt was fine. He kept reassuring himself of the sickening fact. He was fine. He'd gone far longer without meals as a child and while the Lazarus pit hadn't yet played a factor into his body at that time it didn't matter.

Jason would just have to deal with it. At least until he could scrummage up some money.

_____

And deal with it Jason does. He loses track of the last time he'd had a valid and filling meal.

It isn't until their next mission that Jason realizes maybe he's dealing with more than he can handle. That there's a faint possibility that he isn't as okay as he'd originally thought he was. The day is a series of dodging the black spots that threaten to dim his vision. It's exhausting. He can't help but wonder if he'd bitten off more than he can chew.

He'd taken out at least a dozen of his opponents. They lie discarded and unconscious across the floor. Jason steps forward managing to dig the heel of his foot into an enemy's hand- before it all goes wrong.

His head is swarming pulsing as the hunger stabs in swift strikes. He lurches forward staggering and very nearly toppling over

''Jason,'' Dick says before a frown marred the otherwise soft features. ''Hey, Jay- you alright there?''

His brother's hands attempt to reach out in an effort to steady him. Falling short as Jason defensively shrugs. Dick's brows crinkle in doubt.

''I'm fine,'' Jason utters shortly. Before brusquely murmuring a - ''No names on the field. Remember?''

Dick isn't appeased. Nor does the elder seem the slightest bit phased by Jason's remark.

''Hmm,'' And suddenly Dick's tone sounds too accusing. Anger shreds in his gut upon hearing it and Jason's half tempted to just shoulder past his brother. Against all temptation, he doesn't. ''No, I know it's just that-''

Dick hovers. Fusses endlessly and Jason watches in confusion as his brother continuously invades and invades. Having seemingly no concept of personal space. Personal space never was a thing for Dick after all.

Jason winces. Hating that this is the closest contact and care that he's had in a while now.

''You're sure? You seem off. Not to mention you're really pale,'' Dick pokes and prods at Jason. Trying to get down to the bottom of this. ''You feeling okay?''

''Fine.''

''Jay?'' Dick's worrisome voice tries once more. Jason squeezes his eyes shut feeling an unexplainable sense of shame. He's a grown fucking man and he's what? Being babied by his older brother. Pathetic. ''Hey no. What's going on?''

But Jason can't even bring himself to care. He shakes his head, feeling dizzy, as his face flushes, the shame courses through him.

Filling up every crack in his exhausted mind as his thoughts assault him. And fuck, Jason really can’t deal with this with how goddamn empty he is—

''I said that it's nothing. Alright? Nothing is going on,'' He snaps.

Is it possible to be this hungry?

''And I said that obviously, something is,'' The elder retorts immediately. Tone flippant and snappish but concerned all the same. It's such a specific tone that only Dick can possess it.
''Jason. Look at me,'' Dick insists. Voice edged with something that Jason can't quite decipher. He thinks that whatever it resembles worry. But then quickly backtracks because Dick didn't worry. Not for him.

It hurts. The realization is painful and more emotionally invasive than he's willing to admit. And Jason knows that he's selfish. That his internal turmoils are too hard for even him to understand. But Jason wishes someone would.

Wants someone to acknowledge that for as much as Jason pushes and pulls away from people- it's not without reason. That he's always ripping himself away from everyone yet yearning for change- because Jason is scared.

So fucking scared.

Because maybe just maybe Dick wishes that his brother cared enough to worry. Maybe Jason wishes for just one person to be on his side and for that person to be his big brother.

''Hey—'' Cerulean blues suddenly scrutinize him. Taking in every expression, gesture, and movement from Jason. Calculating and desperate to understand. His fists clench on their own whim at his side. ''—tell me.''

Jason stills. Tensing as he mulls over his older brother's words. Dick is offering and providing help. His brother is offering a way out of the emptiness. An inevitable escape from the nothingness that hollows out the pit of his gut. If nothing else he knows that Dick is at least offering to be an outlet. Serving as someone to confide in. Offering the consolance that Jason discreetly desires.
So can't he take this chance just once? Can't Jason rely on someone this time? Every part of Jason's body screams at him. Insisting that he can't and shouldn't. Crying out the fact that Jason only has himself. His mind helpfully reminds him of the information by reminiscing on a certain crazed clown.

Against everything, Jason suppresses his thoughts. Wills them away and meets the elder's unbelievably earnest eyes. 

Yes. He can Jason thinks to himself. He'll come clean to Dick.

''Well,'' Just spit it out, Todd. Jason berates himself. Dick's fingers curl around his wrist in an attempt to keep him grounded. Rooted to the spot and unable to avoid the conversation.  ''I've been...''

Whatever words Jason was about to piece together no longer mattered. Seeing as he's unable to finish speaking.

''Nightwing. Need you on high alert now there's—'' Bruce's voice cuts out sharply through the static. Crackling to life through the comm system.

Jason stops listening. Completely shutting down feeling mechanical as he tunes the voice out.

''We'll talk later,'' Dick pledges. Eyes remorseful.

If Dick is annoyed at the interruption the elder doesn't say as such. But Jason knows. Jason watches as his brother glares at the comms. Before flicking cerulean eyes back to Jason, expression breaching the edge of helplessness. Dick’s fingers reach out and curl around his arm, giving him a little reassuring push. Before turning around.

Jason watches his brother go. Gazing at the retreating acrobat with emotions that are indecipherable even to him.

Yeah, yeah they'll talk later.

Except for the fact that that's not entirely true.  Because for Jason talking with Dick later doesn't come.  Later is instead met with darkness as he promptly passes out on the way home.

Dick's troubled screams are lost upon Jason as his brother cradles his unconscious and too-thin body. Frantically demanding help.

______

Jade hues dance behind the curtain of his eyelids. Until Jason eventually finds the strength to will them open. Thick eyelashes flutter as his vision adjusts.

His brother's too-loud and far too-shrill voice is the first thing that Jason registers amongst the hazy cloud of consciousness. Jason slides a palm down his face as Dick's elusive voice reaches his ears. Slightly muffled from being barricaded in another room.

''—Should have known, should've realized,''

Huh?

''How did I not see what was happening—''

Oh. Oh, Dick's talking about him. Why?

''—You couldn’t have known. Jason went out of his way to hide this...''

It's Bruce. His mind begrudgingly makes the connection. And suddenly Jason knows where he's at right now. The Batcave Medbay itself. Because where else would he be? With how much he just loves anything bat-related.

Bitterness tinges at him.

''Yeah, he sure as hell did that's for sure. But even then that shouldn't matter. Not when I'm his brother!'' Dick shouts. Voice erratic and furious in a way Jason hasn't quite heard in a long time now. He can't help the unsolicited eye-roll that escapes him at Dick's remark.

It's just such a Dick thing to say. Leave it to his brother to shoulder any and all blame.

''What kind of person doesn’t realize that their baby brother is starving?! It's clear with the weight he's lost that this has been going on for months, Bruce- I'm not talking days, weeks, but MONTHS! And I didn’t even notice...''

He wasn't even supposed to be hearing this.

Unexplainable dread filters into Jason's abdomen. Suddenly wanting nothing more than to leave- Jason needs out of here. He takes in the IV, the machines surrounding him with their steady thrum as they admit fluids into him. Jason exhales, taking in everything before he tugs his arm. Trying to rid himself of the IV.

The efforts however are thwarted in the form of Dick Grayson.  The MedBay doors pull open and in the exhausted form of his brother strides in. Instantaneously Dick is at his side sucking in a heavy breath.

''Jason—'' Dick utters. As though it were a prayer. The elder's arms reach out to push Jason's restless form back into the medical bed. He hisses as Dick's fingers unknowingly skim over a bruise. His brother freezes before detaching the touch from his injured body. And shit did Dick always look that distressed?
''You're awake. You weren't expected to wake this early. How are you feeling?''

''I'm,'' Jason pauses hearing how hoarse his voice sounds. Swallows and tries again. ''I feel fine. ''

''Oh is that right?'' Dick chides snarkily. Jason deadpans. ''Well excuse me if I don't believe in or agree with your definition of fine. ''

Silence.

''Look—'' Dick’s voice is rough, guilt-ridden, and more than a little upset. ''I can't- I can't do this. At least not right now. Why didn't you tell me, Jason?''

''Was I supposed to?''

''Yes, you were supposed to!'' Dick sputters out in disbelief.

''Oh,'' Jason enunciates simply. ''I guess I thought that it would just go away on its own.''

''Go away on its own? What's that supposed to mean?''

''I don't know,'' And he really doesn't. ''The hunger, headaches, fatigue. All of it I guess.''

''Why would it just go away? You weren't eating nearly enough as you should've been for a while now.''

''Because I thought I could handle it. I went even longer without food before Bruce-''

Jason pauses. Because Dick looks unsettled. More so than he could've expected. The elder's face is blanche and devoid of color. Cheeks alight in anger. The acrobat admittedly seems more than a little peeved and Jason doesn't know if he wants to tread the line of Dick's temper just yet.

''And you shouldn't have!'' Dick finally blurts out. ''Okay, Jay? You shouldn't of had to.''

''Okay,'' Jason agrees. Before tacking on a ''But I did.'' for good measure.

Dick doesn't react. Or rise to the bait. Only groans. And to be frankly honest Jason doesn't even know why he's still talking or why he feels the need to overshare. But he is.

''It wasn't so bad at first. Y'know' I was living comfortably enough. But then the price of food just kept going up and I couldn't just not keep up with my safe houses. So I just cut back on food a bit, distracted myself with missions.''

''So what— what are you saying? That you just didn't eat? Jay, do you even realize how much weight you lost? On top of the fact that you didn't have any to lose?''

''It's not like I wanted to!'' Jason snaps back. ''Okay? You think that I wanted to go hungry? Because if you think that then you're wrong. I didn't. It's just that not all of us can be the golden boy Dick. Unlike you, I don't have Bruce to fall back on when times get tough. I couldn't afford it.''

A heavy silence reigns once more. And for a moment Jason relaxes not expecting a reply to even signal his statement. Until Dick groans exaggeratedly. Forehead colliding with tightly clasped hands.

''Fuck,'' Dick curses. Seeming utterly and truly stressed. ''God damn you, Jason. I can't believe you.''

Jason's eyes widen. He's about to retaliate forming a retort and actively readying it already when Dick speaks once more.

''You truly don't trust me, do you? Do you really think that little of me?''

Jason blinks. And then opens his mouth, falls short, and chooses to blink again. Because that's all that he can consciously think to do. Out of all the things he could've expected it hadn't been for his brother to look so hurt.

This is what they did. Jason had just assumed that Dick would send a barrage of colorful insults back and leave it at that. Not whatever this is-

''That you don't think that I would've prevented you from going hungry? You'd seriously rather starve than ask for my help?''

Would he?

Jason ponders for a moment finally strewing together an answer.

Maybe once Jason thinks but not anymore.

''Nevermind,'' Dick sighs out. ''I need you to do something for me, Jason,''

''What?''

''Promise me—'' Dick chokes out desperately. ''That if something like this happens again, you’ll tell me. If you ever need anything Jay I don't want to be left in the dark about it. I'm your brother.''

Jason doesn't provide Dick with an answer. At least not with a verbal one. His brother's eyes never leave him awaiting a reaction. And finally, Jason sucks in a breath, closes his eyes, and despite himself nods.

______

There's a period of time where Jason begrudgingly has to recover in the MedBay. He hates every minute that he's trapped within the Batcave. And had made escape attempts frequently. They always end with Dick dragging his sorry ass right back to recover. Damn him.

Eventually, however, Jason's recovered enough to leave the MedBay. He's thrilled at the fact and relishes in being allowed an escape. Consequently enough his elder brother follows him to his safehouse like a lost puppy.

Frankly, he isn't even sure why his brother is insisting on being here. He isn't doing much anyway. He's tired. Jason can't help but lay comfortably sprawled out on his couch. The television resounds throughout the room, Jason to be honest is just about asleep when his stomach growls.

His brother is up in an instant trying to find phone numbers for carryout and delivery places. Jason wholeheartedly protests.

 ''Stop that. Just– just let me take care of you for once, alright?''

Visibly astounded Jason doesn't have an answer for that. Doesn't even know how to respond.

''Great,'' Dick remarks smugly. ''Anyway, Is pizza okay? You need to eat– I owe you more meals than I can count anyways.''

Dick pauses. And apparently, his brother has come to a realization as the elder's eyes narrow in question.

''Buying food and eating with you is,'' Jason admits. Voice aloof with sleepiness. He isn't even consciously aware of what he's saying as sleep threatens to overtake him.
''Important n' it's nice- I like doing it.''

Dick positively beams.