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Lan Wangji did not wake up that morning with the intention to confess. In fact, had he been asked if it were something that had been on his mind recently, he would have had to say no. He had not expected Wei Ying to show up with his sect leader to the conference in the Cloud Recesses, nor had he assumed he would be spending much time alone with him, even if that were the case.

But the day had not followed his expectations in any way until that point, so perhaps he should have somehow known. Wei Ying had of course spotted him immediately and made following Lan Wangji his task of the day. Somehow amused by this, his brother had told him that he should entertain this guest from Yunmeng, and freed him of his usual duties.

Years ago, Lan Wangji might have objected to it. Years ago, when spending time around Wei Ying had been the feeling of fire in his lungs and ants swarming under his skin. Back then, everything in him had protested it. The antithesis of so many virtues his sect valued highly, and Lan Wangji had gone and gotten himself completely bewitched by him.

Wei Ying’s smile, mischievous and almost too brilliant to look at, had cost him many sleepless nights. It had infuriated him.

But that was then, and now was now, and Lan Wangji’s feelings of denial and terror had been melted by the years, leaving behind only the complete adoration.

So it was easy for him to let himself be pulled by Wei Ying to wherever he wanted to go.

“Er-gege,” Wei Ying said, entirely too shamelessly, likely not even realizing how such a word would affect Lan Wangji. “Er-gege, why don’t you take me down to Caiyi town? We can make it back before curfew if we leave now!”

“Mn,” Lan Wangji replied. There were very few things he would deny him, nowadays. Lan Wangji had noticed, as he aged, that fighting the infatuation was akin to holding his breath in an attempt to suffocate; sooner or later, his base instincts would win that fight. Lan Wangji breathed and loved Wei Ying.

They left the other sects to the conference up the mountain. Wei Ying kept up the pleasant chatter as was his habit. Stories about Yunmeng and his siblings, as well as the constant teasing Lan Wangji was quite a bit better equipped to handle past his teen years. Er-gege, Wei Ying would say, and Lan Wangji’s ears would turn red, and that was all.

Wei Ying did not mean anything bad by it. That he was so unaware of his own effect was a source of endless frustration and exasperation, but nonetheless, his intentions were to be taken into account. Anyone would be hard-pressed to call Wei Ying malicious.

In Caiyi town, Wei Ying dragged him from stall to stall, using Lan Wangji’s money to buy them all kinds of foods Lan Wangji was too distracted to fully enjoy consuming. His eyes lingered on Wei Ying’s lips as they were in turn coated with sugar and chili sauce, and he couldn’t help but feel thankful for having this.

Despite Lan Wangji’s initial reluctance, throughout the years, Wei Ying had worn him down. And now they were here, in Caiyi town, by the lake, and Wei Ying looked beautiful with his hair tied and his sleeves rolled up and the focused expression on his face as he was trying to fish something out of the water by hand, even though Lan Wangji had told him there was nothing to be caught here in this shallow part of the lake.

It must have been some sort of momentary madness that caught him unawares. The smartest move would have, of course, been to write a letter. Explain the feelings in full, and present them in a form more easily digestible.

Instead,

“I love you,” Lan Wangji said, unbidden, and the words came out easier than he could have ever believed.

Wei Ying, who had been focused on staring at the water, turned to him with such wide eyes it should have felt comical if it weren’t for the lump in Lan Wangji’s throat. Then, the nervous laughter – “Hahah, Lan Zhan, I think I heard wrong just now – what did you say?”

“You did not,” Lan Wangji said, braver than he felt.

The smile flickered off, leaving only the wide eyes. The serious look on Wei Ying’s face did not suit him like the carefree expression it usually held, and Lan Wangji felt regretful, for a fleeting moment, for having put it there.

And then Wei Ying straightened, something terribly apologetic, almost frail in his eyes – and before he said the words, Lan Wangji already knew what the answer would be. Suddenly, the day that had so far felt very warm turned cold for him.

He would have held up his hand, but something was keeping him frozen in place. The realization, perhaps, that he would not get those words back now. That he’d put them out, careless like a child, and just as fragile when facing the realities of the world.

Wei Ying bowed to him, so respectful that it made Lan Wangji taste iron on his tongue. “I’m very honored, that Lan Zhan would hold me in such high regard, but – I don’t like men like that, so –“

He could hear Wei Ying talking more, hurriedly, like explaining the reasons for the rejection would make it sting any less. But Lan Wangji could not focus on anything but the unexpected feeling of loss. He did not know why he was surprised by it this way: had Wei Ying not expressed these sentiments before? Once, when they’d been younger, Lan Wangji had chastened him about flirting with people he did not truly care for. Wei Ying had said he wasn’t flirting with Lan Wangji, so why should he care?

Had there ever been a moment he’d thought Wei Ying could perhaps mean something by his behavior? The Er-geges, the casual touches, the bright smiles? Had he thought any of it meant anything when Wei Ying did not single him out with it? He’d seen Wei Ying flirt with merchant girls. He’d seen Wei Ying smile at countless other people.

Here, Wei Ying was still talking, but his sentences were tapering off, clearly not knowing what more to say.

“I am sorry,” Lan Wangji said, a bit nonsensically. Perhaps it was an apology for the inconvenience of these feelings. For dragging the mood down.

“No, don’t be,” Wei Ying rushed to say. “I’m – flattered! Very flattered, Lan Zhan, anyone would be!”

Lan Wangji did not know what to say. It was difficult to meet Wei Ying’s eyes, and the feeling might have been mutual. Instead, he turned to look at the sun, lower in the sky than he’d realized.

“We should head back to the Cloud Recesses.”

“I – yes. Yes, of course.” Wei Ying licked his lips. “Ah, you know what – I forgot to buy something. You go on ahead, alright?”

Lan Wangji did not call him out for the obvious lie and only nodded. He even felt a bit thankful for it. In the end, it was easier this way.

-

The rest of the conference Lan Wangji spent meditating. Unlike other times in their youth, when he’d done some intentional avoidance, Wei Ying didn’t seek him out now. Lan Wangji’s first thought was that he was now uncomfortable in his presence. He immediately felt guilty for such a thought – Wei Ying was far more likely to do so out of respect, to give Lan Wangji some space to lick his wounds.

He did, or at least attempted to.

The disappointment of it was curious. No matter how many times he told himself that the answer had been much expected, it did not seem to help with the low ache within him. Wei Ying didn’t want him. A few days ago, that thought was only a possibility; now it was a certainty. He wanted Wei Ying, but Wei Ying didn’t want him.

(He wanted Wei Ying, but Wei Ying didn’t want to be wanted by him.)

It was pain, at first. Deep, searing pain in his chest, the result of a decision he would have made sooner or later, but desperately wished had done later. Ridiculous thoughts whirled in his mind the weeks after the conference was over. If only he’d waited until a year later, perhaps Wei Ying could have grown to like him in such a way. Perhaps, if he’d waited, he himself would have grown out of these feelings.

They did not disappear, was the thing. Not even after being rejected; not even after having licked those wounds raw so many times they did nothing but throb and bleed, unable to close. His regard for Wei Ying stayed, no matter how many times he told himself it was a useless effort.

A useless effort – he did not believe that, either. Wei Ying did not owe him love, and loving Wei Ying was an unavoidable consequence of knowing him. No matter how many nights Lan Wangji spent swallowing the disappointment, he could not stop it. And after the worst burn of it had lessened, when the humiliation of rejection didn’t sting quite as bad, he would admit to himself that given the choice, he would not stop loving Wei Ying even now.

He had wasted too much of his youth in pushing against it. He didn’t push, now. Not against the disappointment, nor against the love.

In a few weeks, he realized how inadequate his picture of the full situation truly was.

In Lanling, a banquet was to be hosted in some high-ranking cultivator’s honor. Lan Wangji attended with his brother, expecting to see Wei Ying for the first time in weeks, both dreading and desperately looking forward to it.

He hadn’t realized just how much he should’ve been dreading it.

Before, when they saw each other in these social gatherings, Wei Wuxian would wave at him, shout his name, smile and laugh and try to get his attention. He would stick to Lan Wangji’s side for the entire time, dragging him with him to places that had not been expressly closed off from visitors but seemed unwise to go to nonetheless, and send him glances over the hall whenever it was necessary to attend the events.

Lan Wangji loathed the fact that there was a ‘before’. Now, the shift from before to after felt drastic, cruel in its changes.

Across the courtyard, Wei Ying noticed him. No shouted “Lan Zhan”, nor the accompanying laughter and a waving hand. Instead, an uncertain smile and a slight bow, like to an acquaintance and not a friend.

Lan Wangji, momentarily frozen, could not react. Next to him, his brother was frowning. He had noticed this recent mood of Lan Wangji’s, of course, but had not managed to wheedle out a word from him. There, an explanation. Lan Wangji wished he wasn’t so obvious.

He bowed back, his chest hollowed out.

“Is there something going on between Master Wei and you?” Lan Xichen asked later, once they had settled to their seats.

“No,” Lan Wangji replied.

What could he say about it, that would give his brother something to fix? He would try. Lan Xichen, with his endless optimism, tended to believe these kinds of situations were possible to solve.

The minutes ticked by in a haze. Lan Wangji did not look at Wei Ying, all too aware of the fact that should he be caught, the implications were different. That Wei Ying would now see the desire for what it was, and feel discomfort. Lan Wangji kept his gaze down, extending no insignificant amount of willpower into it.

He glanced up only once. Habits were hard to break, especially the ones that felt like a reflex. Wei Ying was already watching him, a slight furrow between his brows that smoothed out once their eyes met.

Lan Wangji turned away.

Later, he was already heading to his room to turn in, when Wei Ying caught him.

“Lan Zhan!” he said, and rushed to his side, like Lan Wangji might make a break for it.

There was a polite distance between them, now. Before, Wei Ying would have plastered himself to his side, hanging off his arm like he’d somehow suddenly forgotten how to keep himself upright and needed desperately something to hold on to.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan replied, and without conscious effort, pulled himself straighter, a tad further away. Giving Wei Ying the space he deserved.

A difficult expression flashed past Wei Ying’s face, but in the end, his usual smile tugged the corners of his lips upward. “Are you already turning in? Lan Zhan, you can’t do that! We didn’t have the time to chat before the banquet at all!”

At a loss, Lan Wangji only stared at him.

Wei Ying, still keeping his distance, shifted from one leg to another, like he wasn’t fully certain what to do with his body now that he wasn’t going to invade Lan Wangji’s personal space with it.

“You know – you know I still –“ he started, sudden hesitancy in his voice. “I mean, we’re still friends, aren’t we, Lan Zhan? Can I still be your friend?”

Lan Wangji blinked. He hadn’t known it would be something left up to his judgment, for him to decide. Perhaps Wei Ying was not aware of the depth of his feelings, the enormity of them. To have Wei Ying a part of his life in any way would be something to be thankful for.

He nodded, and the relieved smile on Wei Ying’s face unknotted something in Lan Wangji’s chest.

“Good, Lan Zhan, I’m so relieved,” Wei Ying sighed. A treacherous part of Lan Wangji expected a touch on his shoulder, a devilish smile. He only got a bit more shuffling. “Let’s go take a walk, shall we? I need to tell you about what happened in Yunping city last week!”

Lan Wangji nodded again, and off they went. The place where Wei Ying would have normally grabbed him to drag him along tingled with a phantom touch.

And as they talked, as he walked with Wei Ying and listened to his stories, he felt desperate to ignore the changes. Each time Wei Ying danced farther from him rather than closer, each time he passed an opportunity to say something shameless, each time his mouth shaped around flirtatious words only to bite his tongue at the last moment.

Lan Wangji felt like he was looking in from outside of his body, at the sudden distance between them. There had rarely been a conversation where Wei Ying didn’t comment on his looks or his other notable qualities. The sudden lack of compliments was as jarring as missing it was humiliating. Then, Wei Ying had only ever pushed him to feel things in the extremes.

He tried to feel grateful for even this. Yet, much like in their youth, he had very little say in how he experienced Wei Ying’s actions.

-

Time continued to pass in the ‘after’ of the confession. Lan Wangji kept finding new ways to feel a sense of wrongness. He could not take a hand to himself and think about Wei Ying anymore, not when he now knew the thought would have likely disgusted Wei Ying. All thoughts of him colored by this desire now felt as criminal as they had the first time he’d felt them; now forbidden not by the rules of their sect but by the knowledge of Wei Ying’s opinion.

Almost two months after the confession, Wei Ying sent him a letter. There was an offhand mention of a pretty merchant girl. Lan Wangji had always been too quick to succumb to jealousy, but this time, the temperature of it felt cold rather than hot, a chill that traveled past his core to his stomach, nauseating him. One day, Wei Ying would have a wife. One day, Lan Wangji would watch him have a family, children of his own.

Lan Wangji would be happy for him, then. Now, he couldn’t quite get there. Selfishly hung up on his own disappointment, the loss of the tentative wishes of a domestic future he had not realized he’d been harboring.

He knew Wei Ying had written the letter in an attempt to reach some level of normalcy. To send a message that read nothing has changed between us in different words. The only problem with that was the fact that everything had changed, and as long as Lan Wangji’s chest felt like an open wound, there was no going back.

His reply was even shorter than usual. He faced difficulties finding the words.

His brother stayed worried. He was perceptive; the next time they left for a conference, he could see the physical distance between Wei Ying and Lan Wangji. He was also considerate; he only offered Lan Wangji more opportunities to be alone in peace, not having to talk to anyone. He did not ask about it.

Wei Ying had grown agitated in their time apart. The circling that used to happen only hand’s length away now happened farther but was twice as restless. Unlike right after the confession, when Wei Ying had approached him carefully and spent only a while with him, now it was impossible to go anywhere without Wei Ying being there.

Lan Wangji would have cherished the attention if it hadn’t been such a bittersweet experience. Wei Ying’s focus so fully on him, yet the smiles had a nervous edge, and the looks thrown his way were long, searching.

It was obvious that Wei Ying was, after all, bothered about it. He was bothered knowing that Lan Wangji felt that way towards him, and he was bothered that he could not be unbothered about it. It was evident from the way he behaved.

“– and the peacock was so awkward about it, too! Shijie looked happy, though, so I didn’t say anything.” The recount of the Jin heir giving Wei Ying’s sister a gift had kept him chattering for a while now. He’d found Lan Wangji and pestered him into going on a stroll with him, and Lan Wangji, unable to deny Wei Ying anything, had agreed.

Wei Ying had tripped over his words a few times, trying to avoid saying anything that might allude to confessions or romantic feelings, which was ridiculous considering the topic. That Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli had more luck in love, in these past months at least, did not make Lan Wangji feel much of anything. Wei Ying’s discomfort did.

“He’s just so embarrassing,” Wei Ying groaned. “Shijie deserves so much better! What is a gift like that, anyway? What will she do with a ladle that’s adorned with jewels? It’s like he heard she likes cooking and the only thing he could think of was making sure that she’ll be responsible for someone choking to death on a diamond!”

“Mn.”

“If I were to give someone I like a gift, it would definitely be something I knew they would enjoy,” Wei Ying stated.

He did not show emotion outwardly, but the comment, once again, made Lan Wangji feel like he was the one choking on something. Perhaps realizing his words too late, or noticing something in Lan Wangji, Wei Ying cut himself off before saying whatever was going to come next.

Once, the follow-up would have been relentless demands to know what Lan Wangji would gift a pretty girl he fancied. Now, Wei Ying forced out a bit of laughter before moving on to another story, leaving Lan Wangji bereft.

It was moments like these that their interactions were made of, nowadays. Pitfalls and unease. Perhaps Wei Ying had not realized how often he truly had talked about romance with Lan Wangji before until the topic became a danger zone.

They happened to pass a group of young maidens a few moments later, both halting at the corner as they heard Lan Wangji’s name mentioned.

“– so handsome, isn’t he?” one of the girls said, and the others giggled. “Though he does seem a bit cold!”

“Don’t say that, meimei!”

“Yes, Hanguang-jun only needs to come across someone who can melt that icy exterior,” one of them added wisely.

“Besides, don’t they say that outwardly cold people can hide a very fiery nature? Don’t you get the feeling that he would be a very passionate lover?”

“A-Xiu!” the others laughed, scandalized.

Next to him, Wei Ying was more still than he’d ever seen him. Lan Wangji could not look at him at all, could barely focus on anything besides his own stiffness, the mortification.

He wanted to assure Wei Ying that he was not – that there was no need to worry. That even if his feelings ran deep, and the fire that Wei Ying set aflame was all-consuming, he needed not to worry. Lan Wangji would never act on those feelings.

But perhaps it was not worry. Perhaps it was disgust, over the prospect of being the person to whom Lan Wangji wished to direct his supposed passion.

He was too cowardly to look at the expression on Wei Ying’s face. He could already see the redness that had risen from his neck to his cheeks, their flustered embarrassment shared by the both of them but only visible on him.

Before they could hear more and make the situation turn somehow worse than what it already was, Lan Wangji turned around. And Wei Ying, in his clear discomfort, did not call after him.

-

Lan Wangji could not find his peace with it. Wei Ying’s letters kept coming even more frequently, full of precious details about how he’d spent his days, and Lan Wangji wondered how much of it was Wei Ying’s wish to show kindness. He had been the one to ask Lan Wangji whether they could keep their friendship, but perhaps that, too, had only been for Lan Wangji’s benefit.

It was an obvious trait in him, the tendency to be self-sacrificial this way. Protecting others’ feelings at the expense of his own. Because Wei Ying did wear his own feelings on his sleeve, it was easy to know how difficult he found the situation.

Lan Wangji found it unbearable to have caused this unease in him. It had been going on for too long, the strain between them.

Yet, he could not let go. He could not tell Wei Ying to leave him be. He was selfish, and cherished whatever he could get, whether it be a friendship without the touches and compliments he was used to.

So in his next letter, Lan Wangji chose his words carefully.

He did not lie. Lying was forbidden, and he would not do Wei Ying the dishonor of being completely dishonest. Yet to save his feelings, to make him stop wallowing in the apparent guilt, Lan Wangji phrased the sentences with intentional vagueness.

About what I said to you months ago in Caiyi town – please forget it. There is no need for you to feel concerned over those feelings anymore.

While it was not purely a lie, as Lan Wangji truly meant every word he had written, he still made himself do handstands as a punishment for it later. He knew how the words would be taken, and what the implication was.

He was encouraging Wei Ying to make an assumption. Leading him to believe there were no feelings anymore where there used to be an abundance of them. He wished for Wei Ying to read the words and finally feel calm and unbothered, to gain back the levity he’d been so good at holding on to.

It took a while for the answering letter to come. Enough time passed, in fact, for Lan Wangji to wonder whether Wei Wuxian felt disinclined to continue their friendship now that Lan Wangji was not seemingly in such a pitiful state anymore. But in the end, the letter came.

While it was superficially the same kind of letter Wei Ying had sent before, the tone of it felt strange, as if listening to a melody with every other note just barely off-key. Wei Ying talked about the things he usually did; he praised his sect sister, bemoaned the treatment from his sect leader’s wife, and made fun of Jiang Wanyin.

At the end, he only added, my memory is already so bad, Lan Zhan! You don’t need to ask me twice.

Lan Wangji did not know if it was projection on his part, but somehow, the words rang a bit hollow.

-

Despite his desperate wishes to see Wei Ying again soon, now that he hoped to have erased some of the unease between them, the man did not show up for the next big event. It was a banquet at Qinghe, where most of the prominent cultivators were expected to come.

Only Jiang Wanyin was attending with his father, and for some reason, he kept sending heavy glares in Lan Wangji’s way. It would not have been unusual, but this time there was no Wei Ying standing next to him, which often was the cause of such displeasure from the man.

His brother noted the absence of Wei Ying as well. This time, instead of letting Lan Wangji withdraw, he pulled him along, as if leaving him alone would have made his sour mood worsen. Truthfully, Lan Wangji did not care whether he was sitting alone by his table or standing next to Lan Xichen while he talked pleasantly to whichever cultivator happened to come to greet him.

These events had rarely any meaning to Lan Wangji if Wei Ying wasn’t there. His earlier suspicion about the strange tone of Wei Ying’s letter had proven correct with the suddenly dwindling correspondence.

He would not have cared, even if Wei Ying was still restless in his presence. He just wanted to see him.

When his brother talked to Nie Mingjue, the sect leader’s younger brother kept sending nervous glances in Lan Wangji’s way. He would have guessed the man was aware of his disposition if it wasn’t for the fact that Nie Huaisang had always acted in this way around him.

Though, for some reason, the man seemed to be wanting to say something this time around. Unfortunately for him, Lan Wangji was in no state of mind to put him out of his misery.

But after a while of awkward shuffling, Nie Huaisang managed to open his mouth. “It seems Wei-xiong didn’t show up…”

Lan Wangji kept his eyes away, though nodded out of politeness.

“That’s too bad,” the man continued despite the cold reception. “I think he would have enjoyed a party. I’ve heard he’s been in a bad mood lately.”

Despite himself, Lan Wangji turned his sharp eyes on him. “Wei Ying’s in a bad mood?”

“Oh, it’s just something I’ve heard, I really don’t know anything about it,” Nie Huaisang immediately said, waving his head with wide eyes.

Impatient, Lan Wangji just continued glaring.

“Jiang Cheng just mentioned it, I could be wrong too,” Nie Huaisang babbled, increasingly nervous.

“Why?” Lan Wangji asked. He would have gone to Jiang Wanyin, had it not been obvious that the man would rather stab him than have a conversation. The feeling was somewhat mutual.

“I don’t know, I really don’t know!”

With his hands now joining the waving motion, Lan Wangji gave up on trying to get more information from the man. Nie Mingjue was already turning to him, in any case, telling him to stop the wiggling and stand like a man.

Though when Lan Xichen and he moved to other people, Lan Wangji could feel Nie Huaisang’s eyes still on him, and something about it made him wonder whether the man really knew as little as he pretended to.

The thought was quickly forgotten, as Lan Wangji’s thoughts drifted back to Wei Ying. Whatever was going on with him, he at least hoped to hear about it in the next letter.

-

In growing agitation, Lan Wangji waited to hear from Wei Ying. No letter came, though, in the days after the banquet. He considered sending one of his own, but in the fear of being overbearing, decided against it. He had been the one to send the last one; perhaps Wei Ying hadn’t found the time to reply.

Somehow, there was a deep hollowness still carving room inside Lan Wangji. He had entertained, for a fleeting moment, thoughts about getting back the easy camaraderie he’d once had with Wei Ying. Returning to the time ‘before’.

Ridiculous. Lan Wangji had not fully realized the extent to which he had ruined things.

Adding to his gloom, he was made aware of a rumor that had been circulating about himself recently. They seemed to appear and reappear at regular intervals, ranging from scandals to happier, completely made-up news. He mostly ignored them. No matter how strict a sect was when it came to gossip, there would always be some.

The topic hit a sore spot this time, however. Someone had invented a story about him having accepted a proposal, and that the Cloud Recesses would host a wedding in the upcoming spring. This time, the news apparently came from a reliable source, which is why the servants in the Cloud Recesses seemed quite sure it was truly going to happen.

The one silver lining in all of it was the fact that Lan Wangji had been suffering from this extremely bad mood for months on end, so no one took note of his frown deepening just that much more.

He did not mean to wallow. It was merely that he found himself unable to do much else.

And then things truly came to a head one morning, when Lan Wangji was making his way to the Lanshi to bring his uncle some paperwork he had finished for him. He stopped in the middle of the yard when the flurried noises reached him.

“– you really can’t just march in like that, please, Master Wei, we have to announce your arrival and notify the sect leader –!”

Lan Wangji’s heart almost stopped in his chest. He turned to see Wei Ying, surrounded by a few guards and servants, clearly trying to stop him in his rush to get somewhere.

Wei Ying, as always, looked beautiful, though this time there was something wild in his appearance as well. It was clear that he had hurried here; he was flushed and unkempt in the way that spoke of travel made in haste. When he spotted Lan Wangji, the frown on his face cleared, and he shouted, “Lan Zhan!”

Snapping out of his shock, Lan Wangji motioned the guards to step away. Seeming thankful to be dismissed, the men went back to their post.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said, walking to him only barely faster than the rules would have allowed. Wei Ying did not seem to care – he ran the last few steps and took a strong grip on Lan Wangji’s sleeve as if preemptively preventing him from running away.

As if he could have when Wei Ying seemed to be in such distress.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying said again, barely catching his breath. “Whoever you’re engaged to – don’t marry them!”

Just like that, the ground below Lan Wangji shifted. Out of balance and grateful for the hold Wei Ying had on him, he merely stared.

The man didn’t let Lan Wangji the time to recover from the bemusement. “Do you hear me, Lan Zhan? You can’t marry someone else!”

“Someone else,” Lan Wangji repeated, and yet the words still didn’t make much sense.

Wei Ying shook the sleeve he had in his fist, his beautiful face scrunched unhappily.

He lowered his voice as he continued, still hurriedly, like Lan Wangji was going to silence him at any minute, “I know I – I know I rejected you, before, but that was a mistake, Lan Zhan! I know I’m too late and you don’t care about me like that anymore, but please, do you think there’s a way for you to love me again?”

Floored, Lan Wangji blinked. “You...you don’t…”

“Ahh! I was so stupid, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying groaned, looking truly miserable. “I thought I was so sure about that, but immediately after, I just...I thought I just didn’t want to lose your friendship, and that’s why I had all these weird feelings.”

“Weird feelings,” Lan Wangji parroted flatly.

“We couldn’t be the way we had been before, and I tried to be really respectful, but Lan Zhan, I was truly miserable when I couldn’t treat you the way I did back then!”

It was as if the words Wei Ying was saying did not fully register in Lan Wangji’s head, the suddenness of his appearance and the underlying nervousness creating a fuzzy filter over anything trying to reach his reason.

Wei Ying had been…sad over the growing distance between them?

“I haven’t been in love before, so I didn’t know that’s what it was! I didn’t think I was a cutsleeve, you’re just so amazing I thought that’s what everyone thinks,” Wei Ying said, the words rolling off his tongue like pebbles down a mountain in an earthquake. “But Jiang Cheng told me I was insane! So I had to think about it, and I just kept getting more and more confused.”

His brows were furrowed, but the look was intense like he could make Lan Wangji understand just through his will. It was impossible; the conversation was moving too fast, and too much of the information was contradicting what Lan Wangji thought he’d known.

“But then you told me that you weren’t in love with me anymore, and I was…” He cast his eyes, as if ashamed, before turning to look back at him with more intensity. “Lan Zhan, I was so crushed about it. Isn’t that so selfish of me? And I tried really hard to stomp those feelings away, but I think you’re the love of my life so that’s impossible, and now you’re getting married, and I couldn’t just let you do that without letting you know and – and –“

Speechless, Lan Wangji could do nothing but stare. These words, everything Wei Ying was saying – had Lan Wangji hit his head? To hear such things out of that beloved mouth, he was surely hallucinating.

That Wei Ying had somehow realized he was, after all, in love with Lan Wangji – was it not something a feverish mind might come up with after months and months of agony?

Growing impatient with his silence, Wei Ying stepped even closer, determination suddenly clear in the way he squared his jaw.

“Kiss me!” he demanded, and Lan Wangji felt a bit dazed.

“What?” he managed to gasp.

“Kiss me, you should kiss me,” Wei Ying continued, with the same resolution. He was so close. His breath was hitting Lan Wangji’s mouth. “If you kiss me, maybe you’ll see if you can still love me again!”

“Wei Ying, I –“

Not waiting to hear what Lan Wangji would have said, Wei Ying surged up and closed the distance between their lips.

Whatever thoughts Lan Wangji had managed to gather so far were dissolved with that kiss. Wei Ying’s mouth was hot against him, clumsy and desperate in a way Wei Ying himself rarely was, and Lan Wangji could not have thought it any more perfect.

He moved on instinct, deepening the kiss with a faint noise and pulling Wei Ying tighter against him by his slim waist. The light buzzing in his head was made of pleasure, the fact that the love of his life was the one in his arms making the dreamlike moment feel somehow even more surreal.

He wanted to devour Wei Ying. He wanted to keep him in his hold like this, never let him squirm out of his reach again. There had been too much time between their last touch and this one. Lan Wangji made up for it with enthusiasm.

Somehow, with Lan Wangji’s strong reaction, Wei Ying seemed to melt in his arms, his legs growing weak as he put more of his weight on Lan Wangji.

They had to separate for air at some point, panting against each other’s lips. Wei Ying’s eyes were wide, frenzied. “S-see? We’re great at that! We’re so good at that, Lan Zhan, clearly you should marry me instead.”

“I am not getting married,” Lan Wangji blurted, finally getting enough sense back to his head to clear the obvious misunderstanding.

Unfortunately, this made Wei Ying stiffen against him.

“...Ehh?”

“It is only a baseless rumor,” Lan Wangji said, eyes scanning his face to not miss any sudden change of heart. 

Wei Ying blinked owlishly at him. “So you’re...not getting married.”

“No.”

The dark eyes of his love turned their gaze inward as Wei Ying internalized the words.

“And I, um, stormed here for nothing?” he asked.

For nothing. Lan Wangji would have shaken him, had he not been so elated. For nothing, as if he had not in mere seconds turned the colors of Lan Wangji’s world vibrant again. For nothing, as if what Lan Wangji had finally understood of the conversation wasn’t everything his aching heart needed to feel whole again.

“No,” he said with severity. “Wei Ying, I love you.”

There was a flash of uncertainty he never wanted to see in Wei Ying’s eyes again. “But you said…”

Ah. Lan Wangji swallowed, before he replied hoarsely, “That you should not worry about it.”

There was a long moment of silence as Wei Ying processed his words, clearly thinking back to the letter. Then, he groaned and laid his forehead against Lan Wangji’s shoulder. “Lan Zhan! I can’t believe you, you cunning man! Do you know what you put my heart through? Do you know how devastated I was?”

As if only then realizing what he’d said, he grew stiffer, stealing a glance of Lan Wangji’s face with clear guilt.

“Ah. I’m...Lan Zhan, I’m sorry. I...understand if you can’t be with me like this, after all that,” he said, the words quiet. “I’ll give you space, but – Lan Zhan, I won’t give up on you, just so you know! I’ll wait for you until you’ve forgiven me!”

This ridiculous man. Lan Wangji wanted to kiss him again, to shut him up. How he could ever think that Lan Wangji would do such a thing, now that he had his entire world in his hands?

“Wei Ying,” he only said. “There is no need.”

Wei Ying looked at his face seriously for a while, as if searching for dishonesty. In the end, he did not seem to find any, as he relaxed, his head once again falling on Lan Wangji. Burrowing deeper into his embrace, Wei Ying sighed, “Lan Zhan is really too good. How can you forgive me so easily?”

“There is nothing to forgive,” he stated resolutely.

He would not lie and deny the ache of the rejection, or how deeply the ‘after’ had cut. But he did not need Wei Ying to apologize for what he thought had been the right answer at the time. Not now, when he had the new ‘after’ to cherish.

Suddenly, Lan Wangji was fiercely glad of the ridiculous rumor that had brought Wei Ying here. The thought of him even having attempted to move on from his feelings for Lan Wangji was painful enough.

Wei Ying laughed, then, with giddiness he had not heard in a while. It worked like a healing salve, nourishing Lan Wangji’s bruised heart.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Wei Ying chanted against the collar of his robe. “Lan Zhan, I love you so much. I don’t want to be the way we were ever again, okay? I want to touch you all the time and tell you everything that’s happened to me and flirt with you so outrageously you have to use the silencing spell on me to stop yourself from combusting!”

Placing a gentle kiss on his temple, Lan Wangji hummed.

“I love you,” he replied, and the way Wei Ying smiled at him made saying it out loud for the third time ever made him feel grateful for the first one as well.

-